August 2, 2019
Bringing Fantasy to Reality: Public Sex
Jess & Brandon address a listener who wants to “convince” his wife to fulfill his fantasy. They discuss the appeal of public sex and how you can build upon your fantasies in a safe way and incorporate your partner.
Please see some summary notes from this podcast below:
I may be weird but I want to have sex in public. How can I convince my wife to fulfill this fantasy?
Public sex carries an element of risk, which can heighten excitement, desire, passion and intimacy — if you balance this risk to ensure personal safety. I often suggest that the formula for a lasting relationship involves cultivating so much love, safety, trust and respect that you can engage in non-sexual behaviours and/or explore fantasies that are a little risky. Having sex in public is one example of an activity that can heighten passion without huge risk as long as you consider your local laws.
Not everyone consents to watching or hearing you have sex, so be mindful and respectful of others’ boundaries. If you go shopping with your younger sibling or child, you don’t want to hear a couple having sex in the next fitting room. If you go for a walk with your grandmother, you don’t expect to see a couple getting it on behind a tree. You can experiment with elements of public sex without exposing yourself to non-consenting parties. Consider the time, place, lighting and other logistics as you explore this fantasy. A public park or parking lot at 3am likely provides less privacy than it does at 2am.
But you don’t have to have sex in front of a crowd to benefit from the thrill of public sex. Consider the following strategies to enjoy the risk and reward without reaping negative consequences:
1. Have sex on your own property — on the balcony or in your yard (in the dark), for example. You’ll enjoy the thrill of being outdoors and the threat of being watched or caught, but you can control the degree of exposure and slip back inside at any point in time. Be sure to turn off the outdoor and indoor lights so that your neighbours won’t be able to see you in action.
Other semi-public options include the car, single-stall restrooms and fitting rooms.
2. Expand your definitions of sex. Don’t get hung up on P-V intercourse. Time and space won’t always allow for all types of sex, so get your quickie on using your hands, lips, tongue and even toys — consider a wearable toy like the new We-Vibe Moxie. Wear it while shopping and give your partner the reins of control (using the remote control or the WeConnect smartphone app).
3. You don’t have to “finish”. Obviously there is no universal finish line for sex, but oftentimes, we become focused on reaching orgasm as the ultimate goal. Instead of striving to climax in a public space, consider getting started in public with dirty talk, discreet touching, sexting, rubbing through clothing under the table and other activities before moving into a private space to follow up.
4. Go to a sex club or event where on-site sex is permitted. You can enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism without the risk of violating others’ consent.
This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Bringing Fantasy to Reality: Public Sex
00:00:05 – 00:05:00
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice. You can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr Jess podcast. I’m brandon where here with my lovely partner Dr Jess. Hey Hey how’s it going. I’m great thanks. It’s it’s a vacation week for us. Yeah I feel like the countdown has been on. I’m ready I know I think everyone thinks we’re always on vacation. I know I love that but hey we are are going now and we’re here on a real vacation and it’s been it’s been a little bit of a hectic ride. I was in San Diego last week and New York in San Diego was such a cool project. I was working on. I can’t share any of the details but I was working with biofilm. The parent company of Astro broke glide lubricants on product innovation and idealization and it was such an interesting session for me. I’ve never done anything like it and it was two very full very draining but really exciting days of you know coming up with new ideas in addition to that you also had that read at Ama Ama that blew up and I gotTa tell you that one answer that that one answer to the question about if what was it if God created in his image wise my g spot in my ass and what was your response because treasure hunts are fun. Treasure hunts are fun. I love that that’s your highlight from the A._M._A.. So a little the context on read it they have asked me anything sessions and I hosted an ask me anything session also with Astro Glide last Friday and it blew up we actually made the front page of Reddit which is a pretty big deal and I didn’t haven’t gone back and check to see how many comments there were but if I take a quick quit repeat right now. I don’t know about thousands but they were definitely over. Thousands of people asked me a lot of questions and I couldn’t keep up right now. There are about sixteen hundred comments comments on there and I love that the one question Brennan remembers is the Treasure Hunt One because I took a lot of time with these questions I crafted these really long answers on on everything from porn addiction to how to deal with you know deviant attraction and deviant desires and I use the word deviant in cultural sense. We were talking about reporting. We were talking about safer sex. We were talking about communication but Brandon’s favourite one is the treasure hunt in your but will you’re very scientific for clinical very professional and I’m sitting here looking at the answer envisioning a pirate yard ’cause treasure. Is Your Hunt certified. I did have a pirate mind. Sometimes when the questions get repetitive or you know a little bit silly or even really heavy. There’s as a part of me that just wants to write forwards A. and A. L.. Do you mean four letters words words. I wrote him right out the H.. ’cause I’m Canadian A and E. N. E. H. E. L.. I wrote him right out for somebody because they were yeah because has it just went on and on and how you can check out that A._M.. Ama on Reddit it’s called National Orgasm Day is next week to celebrate Dr Just Astro Glides resident didn’t sexologist is here to answer your questions Ama <hes> it was really interesting and it’s <hes> it’s cool to do some of those those public Q._N._A.’s because it gives you an idea and let’s Kinda. Take a pulse of where people are at what’s on their minds speaking of public. What’s on the docket for today? Oh good one brandon and you should smile. He’s so happy so this is a quickie because we’re on vacation and this person asks. I may be weird but I want want to have sex in public. How can I convince my wife to fulfil this fantasy? My question is how public is public well. I think that it depends on that’s that’s what my kind of advice or insight center around. How can you make it public but also make it safe now? Whenever somebody asks me? How do I convince my partner? I WanNa begin with the reminder that you don’t really convince your partner. You can present you can offer you can propose and and then you have a dialogue to see if it’s a good fit and you know public sexism common fantasy carries an element of risk and of course risk heightens excitement and desire and passion Russian and even intimacy and that only works if you balance the risk to ensure personal safety and I was thinking about risk last week while I I was in San Diego I was with Justin Les Miller who is also a sex researcher and author of a quite quite a popular book on sexual fantasies. Tell me what you want.
00:05:00 – 00:10:01
He’s been on the podcast in the past talking about sexual fantasies and Kolding and he and I we worked together for years. I’ve probably worked with him for at least seven years but I’ve never met him in person so it was really cool to connect and after our session with Astra Glide we went for a quick hike and we kind of got pretty personal talking about our own relationships chips. Our own sex lives in one of the things we were talking about was degree of desire for risk so I’m definitely in need of more risk than you. Would you say that’s true. I’m I’m a little less risk adverse. I your risk adverse less risk a I misheard you know I’m I’m not as risky as you. You’re not as big of a risk taker. No I’m not even ever almost died in a desert alone on a hike. This is mind-blowing Gopher hike in an hour later. You realize you’re not on the trail in you’re in the middle of the desert it’s true I got stuck out there for a few hours just outside of Red Rock Canyon Dan in the desert he near Las Vegas nuts. It’s funny now but it wasn’t funny. At the time I was all by myself and I got lost for really early a couple hours so I got to the point where I was building. Little Index shucks little piles of rocks so that I could recognize Found a cyclist and he kind of set me back on the track but yeah I ran out of water. I my cell phone was dying so I’m not suggesting that that’s a good thing I I do regret that decision but I’m here to tell the story and I definitely don’t take those types of risks if I can avoid them anymore. I’m a little bit more careful when I’m hiking about not hiking alone but if even if we just go to overall life and then also to sex I think I have a higher desire for risk than you. You know degree and that doesn’t mean that it’s better or worse we just have different risks seeking thresholds in personalities end when when it comes to public sex often the thrill is about risk so you’ll want to consider how much risk you desire versus how much risk your partner desires to that you can find a balance once and you know. I I talk often about the fact that the formula for a lasting happy exciting relationship involves cultivating so much love so much much safety so much trust so much respect you you build that as your foundation that everything is so safe that you can actually do things yes you can engage in behaviors that feel risky or in fact are risky because you have that foundation in public sexist sort of an example of not only one way to inject that passionate your relationship in excitement again but also it’s an example of how you have to balance on safety with risks so you know you can get in trouble for having sex in public. There are places you shouldn’t be doing it. I think it’s really important to remember first and foremost that not everyone when can sense to watching or hearing you have sex you’ve got to be mindful and respectful of other people’s boundaries so for example if you were to go shopping with your your child or your younger sibling. You don’t want to hear a couple having sex in the next fitting room. If you go for a walk with your grandmother you don’t expect to see a couple of getting it on behind a tree in a park and so you have to experiment with elements of public sex without exposing yourself to non consenting parties so you want to think about the time the place the lighting being other logistics as you explore this fantasy because you know a public park or parking lot at three a m is not the same as going going to a playground at two in the afternoon so growing period. I’ll play around three a M listen. I’ll be clear I’m not suggesting you break any laws. That’s up to you to figure out I have have no legal background and so I think the first piece here is to remember that you do not have to have sex in front of a crowd in order order to have public sex in order to benefit from the thrill so there are strategies. You can undertake to make sure that you are safe. You have that foundation of safety but it also also feels risky so for example you might just have sex on your own property on the balcony or in your yard in the dark and you’ll enjoy the the thrill of being outdoors and the threat of being watched or caught but you can also control the degree of actual exposure. You can always slip back inside at any point in time. No Pun intended attended right and if your partner is one hundred percent into this this might be a good balance or four ray because you can get it on for a few minutes out there and then you can slip flip back inside work. Your partner’s not interested you can engage in Solo sex outside. That’s true again being mindful that you do never you never want to expose yourself to non consenting parties because I think when people think of Solo sex outside they think of being flashed or being harassed and you don’t want to be doing that in you know that’s that’s. It’s just there’s no humor there.
00:10:01 – 00:15:24
No I was thinking more about somebody on their private balcony partaking in a little solo afternoon delight where no one’s GonNa catch you so. Maybe I take that back. I think the evening might be better. At least it’s darker was that I’m not gonNa tell you specifics what I’m saying is and this this applies to all fantasies whether it’s having sex in public or having a threesome with fairies in the forest you often have to pick out pieces of that fantasy as opposed goes to expecting to live that fantasy out in its entirety so you might for instance have sex in the car or in a single stole restroom or in a private fitting room and I think think it’s also important to remember that if you’re going to have sex in public please expand your definitions of sex do not get hung up on one type of sex where that whether that’s Penis Zimba Jonah or penis and mouth. Maybe there’s no penises at all you know time and space don’t always allow for every type of sex so get your quickey on using your hands your lips slips your tongues and even toys and in fact we just came out with a new toy called the moxie and it’s a panty vibe you can wear it in your panties and it has a little magnet on the outside to hold it in place and you know you can give the remote control where the APP over to your partner so they you have the reins of control so first of all consider your own property. Your semi public areas consider the time the place the lighting expand your definitions of sacks and remember this to you. Don’t have to finish meaning. You don’t have to have an orgasm. I know there’s no universal finish line for sex but I think a lot of people get pretty hung up on reaching orgasm Gaza as the goal but instead of striving to climax in a public space why not consider just getting started in public with like dirty talk awkward discreet touching or sexting or rubbing through clothing under the table and other activities and then you can go back to your private space for the ones that require you’re more bodily contortions getting naked and all that fun stuff at an finally if you’ve done all these things or they’ve worked out for you or you. Just don’t don’t want to take the risk because again. We don’t want you breaking laws well. We don’t want you getting caught but Goodwa sex club. Go to a place for public sex. This is allowed and you can enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism without the risk of violating anyone else’s consent now that doesn’t mean you can do everything and anything everywhere everywhere in a sex club but you figure out the rules and what’s allowed and you ask questions and what I love about a sex club is that many of them actually have private rooms. Yeah you can be watched or you can watch or be watched and you and I have slipped into private rooms for example. We went to a private room at Miami Velvet. Do you remember that club. It was near the airport in Miami. I remember and it wasn’t so private was it somebody busted in and then I had to four one push him out or shut the door. It was actually really weird. Yeah it’s actually a very bad example and an example of of very very poor etiquette etiquette in fact a consent violation at a sex club and I would say that this is more exceptional than normal but I think it’s important to talk about the exceptions because when we talk about wrote fringe sexual behaviors fringe sexual identities so for example public sex or people who have sex it’s sex clubs or kink. We tend to only talk about these topics in an idealized way and in fact they’re not perfect when we say kink is consensual. Yes good kink is consensual but within the community there are consent violators because there are human beings and so this person. This wasn’t a kinky person. I’m just using that as an example because we often talk about Qingchen I the ideal ways as well within the community but this was a lifestyle club meaning it was many people who are in non monogamous relationships <hes> open relationships swinging swinging relationships. I would say it was a lot of swingers and this night single men were allowed and this guy kept knocking on the door and we kept locking closing it and I think I it did lock it but for some reason he was able to open it and he kept opening it to the point that I remember you. Stood up and put your hand on the door and kind of yelled at him. It’s unfortunate into because these spaces really allow people to expand their horizons and we are focusing on something that maybe wasn’t the most positive experience but in in that case we had been somewhere a private room. We’re just you and I were meant to be and that violation. It was irritating <hes> pity it was and I had to say something and once I said something <hes> the problem resolved itself but the fact that I had to on multiple occasions was what was difficult right so the rules in a sex club are the same as the rules outside of a sex club. You don’t do things without one hundred percent consent. You don’t do things and then ask later you ask ask I and so it’s true we are bringing up a a specific violation and it’s scary because you were there in your two hundred pounds but I imagine imagine if if I had been with a female partner or not that there aren’t women who are as big as you but a little one like me and it can be very intimidating and scary and it might sour and color our experience in a way that we might never wanna go back now.
00:15:24 – 00:20:02
I want to say that’s not typical for example. We’ve been in private rooms at oasis. Aqua Lounge never experienced anything like that. Even in public spaces at most clubs people are very open in their communication. They’ll even if you’re on a bed. They’ll come and say. Can we join you and you might say no. Yes join in or you might say yeah. Go ahead and take that half of the bed or you might say shirt sure join us but no touching so there are different ways to have public sex and even group sex without touching new partners. You’re I think there’s this idea that if you go to those established missiles clubs it’s just going to be absolute mayhem and and craziness and it doesn’t have to be it’s nice if it is sometimes sometimes is it is crazy yeah but you’ve said a number of things that I think really resonated with me the idea of having for years you’ve been talking about having that foundation having that security within your own relationships so so that when the idea does come up one of your one of the partners in a relationship does express a desire in interest that level of security is there that you you can if nothing else just have the conversation and when you brought this to my attention years ago. I thought that’s really what it is is. If you have this foundation Shen you can start exploring new ideas and even if it just stops there at least you’re comfortable engaging that dialogue that may open in your mind to a few new interesting exciting ideas and in this relationship you and I also like very much the the idea of of the man being the more risk taking person and I have to kind of own it that I’m not in this relationship and you know I’m okay with that. Do you know what we call him. We call him captain safety other say GRANDPA. We also call them grandpa be because he likes dried fruit route and safety third safety third third except when it comes to safer sex practice safer sex hiking safety fourth worth. Did I ever tell you recently that I was born church and as I was watching interesting intersection intro yeah and I was walking to my Spanish class. Oh La Amigos. I’m GONNA stop there because that’s about what I know and you know classic Spaniels Camino. I don’t know of locked. Muccio and I can’t conjugate in the past tense only in the presence of the exactly but as I walked to my class at seven o’clock in the evening or seven thirty there was a couple behind a church partaking in little mid evening delight and <hes> I it was caught me off guard and I kinda just Mosey owned by. What were they doing. He was sitting on a just on a bench and feeling her. It was grabbing her okay. She was sitting on his lap facing him trying to get a visual here you it was it was escalating real quick she he was he penetrating her. I think it I I didn’t stick around to make it weird. I just kept watching to my Spanish class but I’m pretty sure that it escalated to that rather quickly. I’m thinking about our lives and the wildest places we’ve had sex yeah. We’ve done some crazy stuff the even just the riskiest place for sure and I don’t know if you’re gonNA agree with me on this. What you’re GonNa do not recommend you try. Yeah we were young and dumb. We are on the Gardiner Expressway. which is our highway here three freeway and I guess you were driving having that’s kind of embarrassing to not embarrassing but that’s dangerous? It’s just straight up. I would never recommend that to anyone know when it was terrible for you. Wasn’t it well. It was great but it’s hard to concentrate. When that’s going on in your driving on the highway I should have pulled over immediately. There was nowhere to pull over to downtown on highway no and it was after a late night out nighttime. Okay because Brennan doesn’t really drink grasso fairly really I did and I think that’s what happens you quickly in the mood and I wasn’t exactly stopping you but I there wasn’t a turnoff that I could get two quick enough and <hes> yeah. I would not recommend that but it was certainly probably the riskiest thing that we’ve ever done but but I thought you didn’t really like it like I was just.
00:20:02 – 00:25:01
I just got mine and then hopped off too. Many things going on yeah. I’m trying to think of about other wild places. I know the woods and the woods is especially wild for Brandon for us because we live in the city where such city slickers so. We’re like what tree more than six trees. It’s a forest for us. Yes certainly on the beach. We’ve never done it in an airplane. No I feel like it’s just not not too much you don’t you you should rent one of those planes and go up and cleese do you don’t go in small planes. That’s the other thing. Is You know yeah. Let’s get an I’ve been at a two seater airplane before and not my cup of tea no plus. We need a pilot in a two seater. I don’t think we’ll ever do it in a commercial airliner for two reasons. I don’t want to get arrested. <hes> I mean a little arrest isn’t the end of the problem come on their air marshals. Are they even real cops. Mio probably be teaser. D- No I would be the one tasers for sure but number one. I wouldn’t do it in the bathroom because they’re too dirty so on emerets in the shower room so on Emirates Airlines. I have points to upgrade the next time I fly if a seat is available to have have have a shower and you should come for that trip but you only get five minutes of water in the shower. It’s plenty. Rican dude a couple of two to three times so I don’t think we’ll ever do it in an airplane unless it’s a private jet and if anyone wants to donate their private jets to our mile high fantasies brandon doesn’t have a mile high fantasy. You do not love flying not my favorite method of transportation and is there any place. You’d like to try. <hes> you know what there’s something really nice. It’s just about being alone and on the beach. I don’t like just being outside in the outdoors. I don’t necessarily need anyone to be around. There’s something <music> very liberating about just the ocean breeze and being outside and not caring. I think it’s because you’ve never experienced sandy vagina yet. Yeah I had sandy but sandy different yeah yeah so I like the idea of a beach too but I really desire kind of spoiled told me with their big beach beds because they’re built up on four posts and there’s not really any sand in there. It was also like ten twelve years ago yeah now. The beaches too crowded to really get it on yeah and in the ocean I think is is a fantasy for a lot of people only thing is all that salt water and the water washes away your application and if you’re at desire you could do it in on their rooftop the rooftop of their <hes> the Jacuzzi area. They have all those beds up there. People are engaging. Yeah we did it once. There and you got a round of applause. I didn’t even know people were watching okay. We’re taking it back to us but this is not about us. It’s about this person who wants to have sex in public so just to recap be aware of all consenting parties including people who can see in here. You consider half one foot in the door one foot out the door so your balcony car singles tall restrooms consider non penetrative sex other types of sex ex- don’t get hung up on orgasm and really if you have the opportunity. Please go to a sex club. Just be smart. Be Safe. Be Aware of people around you so that you’re not like you said <hes> imposing your activities on them unknowingly end because this question began with how do I convince my wife just again really want to reiterate that you present presented to your partner and please pull out the elements of the fantasy that actually appeal to do you like the idea of being watched. Do you like the idea of getting caught. Do like the feel of the <music> you know brees on your skin because you can have some of those elements without having sex in front of a crowd grew yeah so always looking at the thematic elements of your fantasies indices and the underlying feelings. I find will not only help you to better convey what it is. You’re looking forward to your partner but I think also increase the likelihood that they’ll say yes because they don’t have to say yes to the full scenario but two elements of it alone. We’re GONNA stop there because this was a quickie. Thank you so so much to desire resorts for your ongoing support of this podcast and I just want to clarify that I do sometimes bring up my experiences at desire in the organic flow of of the podcast but that’s not because they’re the sponsor. It’s actually because my experience at desire has been so central yes S. so central to shaping our relationship and sex life and it’s not the resort per se. It’s the experience of being in a space. That’s so different than what you’re are used in everyday life so the conversation around desire is organic but also they are sponsor so check them out at desire experience wherever you’re at.
00:25:01 – 00:25:16
I hope you have a great one. We’ll be back next Friday with a new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.