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September 15, 2017

All About Sex Clubs!

Episode 28

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Sex clubs are becoming more mainstream. Jess shares her observations about sex clubs and chats with Fatima Mechtab who shares her stories (including one about a blowup doll!), tips and insights. Click here to find a sex club near you.

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A few additional notes on sex clubs:

Many of the couples I work with visit sex clubs to get their juices flowing. They dance, flirt, watch and leave without ever having sex or reaching orgasm. They use their experience as both fodder for intimate conversations (emotional) and as material for sexual foreplay. In many cases, the anticipation is hotter than the reward, which makes sense, as dopamine levels can be twice as high during the anticipation pleasure as when you experience the pleasure itself.

You don’t have to participate in any specific way and regardless of your specific desires, you’ll want to consider several questions and have ongoing conversations in advance:

  • How long will you spend at the club when you visit?
  • Will you have a drink? How many drinks will you have?
  • Will you dance?
  • What will you wear? Do you plan to undress?
  • How will you respond if you’re feeling uncomfortable? How will you ask your partner for support? How do you want them to respond?
  • What will you do if someone asks you or your partner to dance?
  • What areas of the club will you visit? (e.g. Will you go into the play rooms or just the bar?)
  • What excites you about visiting a sex club?
  • What concerns or fears do you have?
  • What’s your best-case scenario for your first visit?
  • What’s your perceived worst-case scenario?

Discussing boundaries and concerns in advance can help you to feel more at ease and ensure that you don’t have to make high-pressure decisions in the heat of the moment. Take your time with these questions and allow yourself to be vulnerable as the conversations unfold. There is no rush to visit a sex club — they’ll still be there next week, next month or next year.

Note: Many reputable sex clubs also offer tours for newbies, so check online or call ahead to find out what they offer in terms of tours and workshops. I may even be able to recommend a sex club tour guide like Luna Matatas or Spirt Sex Lab’s Evguenia.

I believe that seeing real sex between consenting adults who aren’t being directed by professionals can be helpful in creating a happy, healthy sex life. Porn is not intended to be a form of education, but we often use it as a learning model, as we have no other options. If you want to gain insight on other topics (e.g. football, cooking, crafting), you being by observing others. You don’t simply learn about the mechanics in a book or study the potential risks in school — you actually watch others performing the task on video or in-person. Why do we treat sex differently?

I studied human sexuality and sexual health education in school, but I didn’t learn much about the physical act of sex in the classroom. Luckily, I have derived great educational benefits from observing real live sex at sex clubs and resorts over the past 10+ years. Seeing real people with a range of body types engaged in a wide range of sexual activities not only makes me more comfortable with sex, but also with my own body. The first time I visited Desire Resorts and saw couples of all ages having different types of sex, my whole outlook toward my body, aging and sexuality changed for the better.

This, of course, does not mean that your experience will be the same as mine. If you’re not interested in visiting a sex club, that’s okay too. There are many paths to sexual exploration and fulfilment and you’re the ultimate expert in your own needs. You don’t want to pressure your partner to feel the way you feel, but hopefully you feel comfortable expressing how you feel.

Check out fellow Sexologist, Ashley Cobb‘s advice on sex clubs here.