June 15, 2023
Q&A Quickie: Passing Gas, Snooping & Ex-Lovers
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- When is it okay to pass gas in front of a new partner?
- Is it ever okay to snoop in their messages?
- Should you ask about their past?
- When should you introduce kids to a new partner?
We don’t have their answers, but we share our imperfect thoughts on your “when is it okay to…?” questions.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Q&A Quickie: Passing Gas, Snooping & Ex-Lovers
Episode 321
You’re listening to The Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and Relationship Advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:14] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co-host Brandon here with my Love. The other half, Dr. Jess.
[00:00:20] Jess O’Reilly: Hey. Hey, today’s a quickie.
[00:00:22] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I love quickies.
[00:00:22] Jess O’Reilly: You do love a quickie. Just get it over, wham. Bam. Thank you, ma’am.
[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: Yeah, just when there’s time constraints, I’m down.
[00:00:28] Jess O’Reilly: All right. So we are, we’re on the road this week, so we’re gonna keep it kind of short, but I think it’s an interesting topic. I’ve been trying to kind of group together some of the questions that come in for the podcast thematically, and today is about timing.
[00:00:41] Jess O’Reilly: Relationship milestones. So when is it okay to fart in front of your partner? When is it okay to introduce kids to a new partner? When is it okay to snoop on your partner’s phone, et cetera, et cetera. I’m sure you have some thoughts on those. I do. Uh, but before we dive into that, I wanted to quickly talk about a study that’s sort of relevant, not sort of extremely relevant to you and me, and, uh, let’s make it about us.
[00:01:06] Jess O’Reilly: This is a study outta Michigan that found that one in five adults do not plan on ever having children.
[00:01:13] Brandon Ware: I found that number very high initially when you said it to me. 20% seems a lot higher than I I, I think the general population, but again, this is representative of the entire. Us?
[00:01:24] Jess O’Reilly: Well, yeah,
[00:01:24] Brandon Ware: that it’s a sample.
[00:01:25] Jess O’Reilly: So this is a sample out of Michigan. But what they said in the study is that the, it’s a state whose population is representative of the US more generally in terms of demographics. So it’s a, it’s a, it’s a good sample and so they consider it nationally representative and 20% not having kids. Now, that sounds really high, but if you look around us, especially in our closest friend circle, so many of us don’t have kids.
[00:01:50] Brandon Ware: I mean, I, I, the last studies in Canada that I read, I think our birth rate was neutral. Without immigration, we would be alright. It might actually be negative, but I think we’d be [00:02:00] du our country would be shrinking.
[00:02:01] Jess O’Reilly: Shrinking. Yeah. And our land is just like massive. We need some people. Well, we’re bringing a lot, which is great. We need people to come in and, uh, yeah. Cuz you know, jerks like us aren’t having kids.
[00:02:11] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:02:12] Jess O’Reilly: It’s interesting because this is a huge topic and we’re not gonna, you know, spend forever on it. Maybe we can do a full episode on it. But there definitely, for me as a woman, I do think I’m seen as selfish for not having kids. I don’t know if you, you probably don’t get that as a dude. I don’t know.
[00:02:25] Brandon Ware: No. As a, as a dude, I, I don’t feel like I’m judged. I think women, I see it, I hear it from people around us when we were younger, where they would ask you, when are you having children? It was, it was kinda like, well, it’s the default. When are you doing it?
[00:02:38] Jess O’Reilly: People still tell me. They’re like, it’s not too late. It’s not too late. Like, I can still get tickets to the Hot Beyonce concert slash half kids. Like. They’re like, no, it’s not too late. You can still go, you can go online. You can like,
[00:02:48] Brandon Ware: could we go to Beyonce though instead?
[00:02:50] Jess O’Reilly: We could definitely go to Beyonce instead. You know, it’s. It’s, it’s a hard one because we always planned on having kids. Yes. Uh, it was always in the books. Like, I love kids. I worked with kids. Uh, we have a lot of young people in our lives. Like I feel like I have some honorary children and a couple of my cousins,
[00:03:06] Brandon Ware: I had chores lined up for the children to do. I mean, I was ready.
[00:03:10] Jess O’Reilly: I’m like, babe, sort, sort through the garage. No, no, no. When we have kids, the kids are gonna do that.
[00:03:14] Brandon Ware: I mean, I bought an iPad to take care of them. I had chores lined up. I mean, of course I’m joking, but we had all the plans and the works. I, I was ready to be a parent,
[00:03:22] Jess O’Reilly: and then our decision changed. Right? Yeah. I, I don’t know how old we are. Were, I guess we were in our thirties. Yeah. Things changed and, uh, life changed. Mm-hmm. And life is grand and I have no complaints. I do find that there, not only is there the judgment around like, oh, you’re selfish, but I think even for you as a guy, there’s this idea that like, well, your life is easier.
[00:03:40] Brandon Ware: Absolutely.
[00:03:41] Jess O’Reilly: Do you think your life is easier, maybe. You know, that’s a great question. I think in some ways it is. Mm-hmm.
[00:03:45] Brandon Ware: I think when I hear about people who don’t, who have children who don’t sleep. Mm-hmm. Um, and the, the sac, I don’t, I shouldn’t use the word sacrifice, but the, the decision that they’ve made to have children and how it impacts their free time.
[00:03:58] Brandon Ware: Things that they, they can’t [00:04:00] allocate the same amount of time to, whether it’s, you know, spending time with friends, going out, uh, going to the gym, whatever it is. Mm-hmm. I think in a lot of ways, yeah, that, in that respect, it is easier.
[00:04:10] Jess O’Reilly: You don’t have that responsibility.
[00:04:11] Brandon Ware: I don’t have that.
[00:04:11] Jess O’Reilly: We don’t have that pon now, we did have, I gotta say, and I don’t wanna get into the details of it cuz it’s personal, but having my dad in our home for 12 years has been definitely an interesting experience where, you know, it’s not like we’ve ever had privacy. Um,
[00:04:25] Brandon Ware: no.
[00:04:25] Jess O’Reilly: And there’s been responsibilities about like, getting home or for me liking meals and financial responsibilities, which is not the same obviously. And also not the same payoff in terms of like, Love and growing up and watching them blossom. I, I, I do think it’s important, you know, when I say, is your life easier?
[00:04:41] Jess O’Reilly: I think there’s this desire to act like my life is harder. And I think as Westerners with a lot of privilege, we tend to do that. Like I think it’s kind of built into our culture. I don’t feel like my life is hard. I feel like a lot of the things that I take on, cuz I have a lot of family responsibilities, and then you obviously we work for ourselves.
[00:05:00] Jess O’Reilly: Those are my choices and I don’t really see them as sacrifices. I see them as choices. But I do hear a lot of parents talk with the word sacrifice.
[00:05:07] Brandon Ware: Do you think it’s also your outlook? Because you have a very positive demeanor, you have a very, um, appreciative and grateful approach to life. And even when I see you doing things that are challenging that you don’t want to do, I think you still do them with a, a grace, with, um, with an appreciation for life.
[00:05:24] Brandon Ware: So do you think that this approach that you have is more just your outlook on life about. You know, life being easier.
[00:05:31] Jess O’Reilly: I don’t know. Well, I mean, I don’t think I can discount all the privilege I have, right? Mm-hmm. Like more than a roof over my head.
[00:05:38] Brandon Ware: Yes.
[00:05:38] Jess O’Reilly: Um, the capacity to do lots of different things, whether it’s like with my body or my mind, the fact that I have, I have parents in my life, I have you, I have good people.
[00:05:48] Jess O’Reilly: I, I don’t think it’s just outlook. I don’t think that that hurts because there’s people with a lot more than me mm-hmm. Who don’t have that outlook. So I think it’s, I don’t know, maybe a, a balance of both. But what I wanted to get at here, [00:06:00] so this, this study by the way, is published in close p l o s one journal and, uh, particularly interesting is the finding.
[00:06:07] Jess O’Reilly: And so this is where, why I wanted to talk about it for us. And oh my gosh, how are we gonna make this a quickie? Cuz this is such a big topic, the finding that childless couples have no more regrets later in life than parents, which really contradicts I think a commonly. Believed or cited concerned. And I, I have to admit, I have a fear that I’m gonna regret it.
[00:06:30] Jess O’Reilly: Not because it’s in my heart, not because it’s in my body or my soul, or, but it’s in implanted in my mind by the people who say it to me by a culture that has so strongly, I think laid that messaging upon me that you’re gonna regret it. People have said that to my face. I mean, people in my family and taxi drivers.
[00:06:50] Brandon Ware: Yeah.
[00:06:50] Jess O’Reilly: Like li literally people who don’t know me, don’t know me from a hole in the wall, but they’re like, you’re gonna regret it. You’re gonna regret it. And still to this day, they tell me that. And, and sometimes people look at me, I think with, um, sadness,
[00:07:02] Brandon Ware: can I,
[00:07:02] Jess O’Reilly: or like, like, I’m missing out. And I, I do, I’ll have to admit I do worry about it.
[00:07:07] Brandon Ware: But I, I also think it’s interesting because I hear that too. You’re gonna regret it, probably not as much as you, but imagine if you turn the table for just a second. And you said you had children’s, wow. You’re gonna regret it,
[00:07:17] Jess O’Reilly: but, but we do,
[00:07:18] Brandon Ware: you’re gonna regret it.
[00:07:19] Jess O’Reilly: Know there, you know, there is some data suggesting that like, you know, life satisfaction and relational satisfaction is adversely affected, not permanently, but for a significant amount of time in terms of correlation with kids.
[00:07:29] Jess O’Reilly: That doesn’t mean that kids are doing it. And I think we’d be like, Super happy if we had kids and I feel like we’re super happy without kids and you know, but I do, I gotta tell you, it gets into my head when I hear it everywhere, right? In all the messaging that I’m gonna regret it. But then I do have to stop and think about, like, I think this is per very personal folks, but the, the richness of my life.
[00:07:48] Jess O’Reilly: Like I have you, I have. All these people in my life that I love so deeply, people who bring me so much joy and love and support, and like, I can name them, you know, like in the presence of Mike and Denise and Steven, [00:08:00] I feel so loved. Mm-hmm. And like, I, I’m kind of brought to tears even saying those words right.
[00:08:04] Jess O’Reilly: In the presence of my mom and Luigi. Obviously with you, with some of my very close friends. And so I think it is, I think life is about relationships. That’s why I do the work I do.
[00:08:13] Brandon Ware: Yeah. And I’m, I’m banking on robots taking care of me when I’m older, so I’m gonna get metal legs and you, you know, like hopefully I can, uh, you know, Keep moving forward.
[00:08:21] Jess O’Reilly: Maybe you can just have some of my loved ones. Sure, sure. But if, if life is about relationships, I don’t think it’s about specific types of relationships. Like I, I love that I have this particular relationship with you, but I don’t think it needed to be, you know, romantic or sexual or this type of intimacy to have.
[00:08:37] Jess O’Reilly: Still a close intimacy. So I, I’m just putting that out there. I probably should have done a whole episode Yeah. On this finding that childless couples have no more regrets. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t childless couples with regrets. Mm-hmm. Or child free, I think, I think we call ourselves child free music.
[00:08:50] Brandon Ware: This, is that what it is?
[00:08:51] Brandon Ware: I don’t know. I dunno. We
[00:08:52] Jess O’Reilly: just don’t have kids. Um, and I will say, and I’m not, this is kind of a vulnerable thing for me, that in be feeling judged for not having kids. I also think that some people don’t take my perspective as seriously because I don’t have kids. And I’ve had people say that I’ve received that in feedback forms from my sessions.
[00:09:07] Jess O’Reilly: They’re like, well, what do you know? You don’t even have kids. And it’s absolutely true. I do not know what it is like to have to, to raise kids. I, however, I don’t teach from my own perspective. I generally teach from data. I generally teach from findings. Like yes, I share my perspective and I hear that a lot.
[00:09:22] Jess O’Reilly: They’re like, well, you guys are happy cuz you don’t have kids. The reason we have a good relationship is, yeah. Cuz we don’t have kids. And I just wanna say there are people out there with thriving happy relationships with kids because they still prioritize their relationships.
[00:09:33] Brandon Ware: Hmm. Yeah, no I agree with, you know, I agree. That’s it.
[00:09:36] Jess O’Reilly: Alright. You wanna talk about passing gas now?
[00:09:37] Brandon Ware: No, I don’t, but let’s do it.
[00:09:40] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So I got this question about when is it okay to pass gas in front of a new partner? And I’ll start with, you know, there was a study that found that women. Takes seven and a half months before passing gas. Um, but I think it really depends on how much time you spend together.
[00:09:54] Jess O’Reilly: And some people say that it brings you closer together and others see it as a sign that [00:10:00] you’re no longer trying.
[00:10:01] Brandon Ware: You know what I’d love? I’d love to create an art exhibit. A video art exhibit of the first time somebody passes gas in front of their partner. Is it a big one? Is it a small one? Is it one like, oops, that snuck out? Or was it just like seven and a half months of gas pent up?
[00:10:14] Jess O’Reilly: Is there some sort of
[00:10:15] Brandon Ware: let it out?
[00:10:16] Jess O’Reilly: Is there some sort of like color foam that shows that they’re passing gas?
[00:10:19] Brandon Ware: It’s very modernist. Um, it’s very effusive. Uh, no, but
[00:10:25] Jess O’Reilly: this is a, this is a weird question. Not weird. Sorry. I don’t mean it to, it’s a hard question because this is a natural bodily function. Right. But it’s not always. A pleasant one. So you know, if you, even if you’ve been together for years, I think it’s also still okay to be considerate of your partner, right? Like, you know, you pee, you poo, you blow your nose. They’re natural and unnecessary, but you still don’t do those things everywhere in front of, you know, everyone and everything whenever you kind of feel like it.
[00:10:50] Jess O’Reilly: Right?
[00:10:50] Brandon Ware: I agree. And I, I think, so my answer to you, when is it okay to pass gas? You should do it whenever you want. I’ve been holding it for 22 and a half years. I’ve been trying so hard, and you know what I’m,
[00:11:01] Jess O’Reilly: that’s why your burps smell like farts
[00:11:03] Brandon Ware: so great. It manifests itself on the other end. But I do think that there’s, my outlook on this is if I’m so comfortable, I remember being a teenager, being my twenties and.
[00:11:13] Brandon Ware: Some of my friends who were dating, um, who were dating would fart and then hot box, what do you call it? Dutch oven, you know, where it’s like they fart in the bed and then they like would pull the covers up over so that everyone got to enjoy Oh my God. Their brew. And I’m, and I’m just like, when I look at our relationship, I don’t.
[00:11:29] Brandon Ware: I, I don’t, I feel awkward saying this, but I’m like, I don’t wanna be like, Hey, come and smell my farts. Hey, this is something that I just, you know, came outta my butt and it was like, smells not so great in my opinion. And come and smell it with me.
[00:11:41] Jess O’Reilly: Why do people act like it’s like a, a form of intimacy?
[00:11:46] Brandon Ware: I don’t, I don’t know.
[00:11:47] Jess O’Reilly: I like, now this is separate from people who actually enjoy farts cuz we have talked about fart fetishes before. And I think that’s super cool. That’s something that if you’re actually into, then you can discuss and you can play with and you can enjoy. But, you know, many people [00:12:00] don’t have a fart fetish.
[00:12:00] Jess O’Reilly: Like I don’t have a fart fetish, meaning I, I, I don’t even like, Farts. They’re not on the list of the things that I enjoy with like red wine
[00:12:07] Brandon Ware: and if we’re talking out loud, nor do I. So crop dusting in our house is not something that I’m going to enjoy if you decide to do it tomorrow.
[00:12:14] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So I think we are weird because we generally still don’t purposely fart in front of each other. I’m not saying we never do, but like I, I will admit, I kind of go outta my way to not purposely. Let it rip in front of you. Yeah,
[00:12:26] Brandon Ware: I agree.
[00:12:27] Jess O’Reilly: But I think people would think we’re very weird. So don’t, don’t hold us up to any proper standard. We suck.
[00:12:32] Brandon Ware: I spend a lot of time just for no reason walking outdoors.
[00:12:37] Jess O’Reilly: Where are you going for a walk?
[00:12:38] Brandon Ware: For a walk for, you know, like seven seconds.
[00:12:41] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So when do you pass gas in front of a new partner. I wonder if a lot of people wait until you’ve sort of traveled together for a few nights in a row. You shouldn’t hold it and let it be uncomfortable, like that’s not healthy for you.
[00:12:52] Jess O’Reilly: But I mean, I think sometimes you can make an effort to step away. I guess if you can’t, you can go ahead and let it rip. Let’s be honest, I farted in front of you early on. Do you remember it was an accident?
[00:13:01] Brandon Ware: Absolutely. Remember, because I remember when it happened, I was so shocked, and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have made a big deal at it, but I was like, we were walking near your mom’s house. On the street. On the street. And then he announced to everyone and I was like, what just happened? What the, what the f I was like, did that really happen? And I made such a deal of it. I was like, I, I’m like this beautiful woman just did that. And I’m like, I love you so much.
[00:13:23] Jess O’Reilly: You’re lost the words, but hang on.
[00:13:24] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. I think this is probably why I’m traumatized and don’t fart in front of you. Yeah, there you go. All right, let’s, we’ll get a psychologist to call in on this one and, and tell us what’s wrong with us. You know, I’m, I mean, I know people don’t like to hear it, but it’s ultimately what, what works for you?
[00:13:36] Brandon Ware: Yeah, right. Of course.
[00:13:37] Jess O’Reilly: Like, and we shouldn’t be embarrassed about what our bodies do.
[00:13:39] Brandon Ware: Agreed.
[00:13:40] Jess O’Reilly: But Brandon embarrassed me and gone forever.
[00:13:41] Brandon Ware: I thinking is funny and I’m sorry, but I, I don’t think it’s bad. I just. Think it’s funny when it happens.
[00:13:47] Jess O’Reilly: Okay, next question. When is it okay to snoop on their phone or their laptop?
[00:13:53] Brandon Ware: Never. Why are you snooping?
[00:13:54] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah,
[00:13:54] Brandon Ware: if you, there’s a bigger issue here that needs to be addressed. If you’re snooping, if you feel like you need to snoop,
[00:13:59] Jess O’Reilly: if you’re [00:14:00] wondering something, I think ask them. Don’t snoop. I don’t think any good comes from going behind. Their backs, right? I think sometimes we snoop because we’re nervous or we’re insecure, or we’re untrusting.
[00:14:11] Jess O’Reilly: And I think we have to look at ourselves first there. Like, why am I feeling this way? What from my history, what are my scripts that are making me feel this way? And so you kind of look at your own role and then once you’ve looked at your role, then I think you could talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, um, and maybe they can help you to feel better.
[00:14:28] Jess O’Reilly: But I do think you have to. Take care of yourself first. Having said that, sometimes I think people are just curious.
[00:14:35] Brandon Ware: Oh, I agree with that. I think there’s
[00:14:36] Jess O’Reilly: like, do not walk by my stuff and see something pop up and you’re curious. I.
[00:14:40] Brandon Ware: And you know what I do ask? I know that I ask, I think it’s also in how you ask.
[00:14:45] Brandon Ware: That’s very important. If I’m, if I see something pop up on your phone mm-hmm. And I don’t know who it is. Mm-hmm. The way I asked you that question is gonna determine how, in my opinion, how effective the conversation’s gonna go.
[00:14:56] Jess O’Reilly: But are, do you ever really care?
[00:14:57] Brandon Ware: No.
[00:14:57] Jess O’Reilly: Like, are you ever really worried?
[00:14:59] Brandon Ware: No. And I think that’s it. I think that there is, uh, a level of trust in this relationship that when something pops up from somebody whose name I don’t know, or if you’re sitting there having a conversation, laughing, snickering or whatever, smiling as you do. Because everyone, just for reference, Jess’s face is so representative of how she’s feeling when she’s, I’m gonna videotape it and show everyone, cuz when she’s having a conversation via WhatsApp or text message, she’s smiling and laughing and then all of a sudden, 30 seconds later, her, she’s like, frowning and sad.
[00:15:29] Brandon Ware: And I, and I looked at her and I said, what is going on right now? It’s like you’re having a full blown conversation. But I do think that, um, yeah, I mean, I’m, I’m curious. Absolutely. But I, I feel like there’s a level of trust in this relationship that I feel comfortable asking you. Who are you chatting with?
[00:15:45] Brandon Ware: Who are you chatting about?
[00:15:46] Jess O’Reilly: I have access to your phone.
[00:15:46] Brandon Ware: Yeah .
[00:15:47] Jess O’Reilly: I also, like, I put my face on your password to open up your iPad. So if I wanted to go into your messages, I suppose I could go into your messages. You don’t have access to mine cuz of the type of work I do.
[00:15:57] Brandon Ware: No,
[00:15:58] Jess O’Reilly: but you know, you, you could access, for [00:16:00] example, my Instagram account. I think you have access to that,
[00:16:02] Brandon Ware: I’m sure.
[00:16:02] Jess O’Reilly: Cause that’s not, I’m sure nobody’s, nobody deserves privacy. Not deserves, but you can’t expect privacy when you randomly message me on Instagram.
[00:16:09] Brandon Ware: I also, in, in our relationship, I don’t have anything that I feel like I’m hiding from you. I’m not saying that I don’t have things that I don’t feel comfortable talking about with you and things like, things along those lines.
[00:16:19] Brandon Ware: But if you were to look in my messages, if you were to look in my email, I don’t think that there’s anything there. I know that there isn’t anything there that I feel uncomfortable with you reading.
[00:16:28] Jess O’Reilly: Well, I think that’s sort of a line between privacy and secrecy. So I think humans have a right to privacy.
[00:16:33] Jess O’Reilly: Like I need, I want privacy because I want stuff that’s just mine. I don’t need you asking me questions about every single little thing, and you also don’t have to tell me. But it’s not secrecy where I’m like, oh, you can’t see this. Mm-hmm. Right. So I think that there’s, I know that could be a little bit semantics for some people, but I do think, you know, you wanna respect their privacy, but also what is the purpose of secrecy?
[00:16:52] Jess O’Reilly: So if you’re feeling the need to snoop on their phone, I think ask yourself why. Look at your role first and then turn to them. Mm-hmm. But I mean, I guess if it boils down to you don’t trust them, it’s really not about snooping, cuz what are you hoping that you’re gonna find out that they’re doing something you don’t want them to be doing?
[00:17:07] Jess O’Reilly: And I think that. There’s no sense in just finding that it’s really about having a conversation. Cuz what are you gonna do when you find it?
[00:17:12] Brandon Ware: Well,
[00:17:12] Jess O’Reilly: are you gonna leave? Are you gonna blow up? Are you gonna be like, ha, I caught you? Is that, is that the type of person you wanna be with?
[00:17:18] Brandon Ware: And, and, and in addition, what happens from that point onwards?
[00:17:21] Brandon Ware: Are you always gonna be thinking that you’re gonna go into their email to check in and make sure that everything’s on solid ground? Mm-hmm. I think that the conversation. That’s required as opposed to opening up that can of worms where you’re going behind somebody’s back every week or month, or to check in and make sure,
[00:17:37] Jess O’Reilly: and then you become dependent on that.
[00:17:39] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Agreed
[00:17:39] Jess O’Reilly: Behavior. Right. The only thing that makes you feel secure is that you attenuating your anxiety, attenuating yours with a behavior that probably you don’t feel very comfortable with if you’re writing to me and asking about it.
[00:17:52] Brandon Ware: Yeah. And how would you feel if the person on whom you’re snooping knew what you were doing ?
[00:17:57] Jess O’Reilly: Yeah. So talk to each other man. Yep. [00:18:00] When is it okay to ask about number of sexual partners? Uh, why does it matter? I don’t know. I mean, I, I think it’s okay to ask. It’s in the past. I think you can use it to, to learn and maybe have conversations about values and history. Yeah. I guess you’re thinking that it’s a judgment thing.
[00:18:15] Brandon Ware: I want, I, I asked that question. I want to know. I do. Mm-hmm. Like, I, I wanted to know how many partners you’re with, and I’m sure you wanted to know how many I had been with and. I don’t, I mean, I think it’s a comfort level. Mm-hmm. I think it’s a sec. It’s a, it’s a personal, it’s security. It’s, am I, am I secure enough to ask you and know that whoever you’ve been with before you, you’re right now choosing to be with me.
[00:18:35] Jess O’Reilly: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:36] Brandon Ware: Um, and you know, That’s, it’s fine. However many partners you’ve been with is what you’ve been with.
[00:18:42] Jess O’Reilly: I think it’s also tied to like notions of purity or shame or, and gender and, and maybe intimidation, right? If you’ve had a ton of partners and I’ve had one, maybe I’m going to feel intimidated. But I think that, again, these are the beginnings of conversations.
[00:18:57] Jess O’Reilly: They are not the conversation in and of themselves. Because if I, if I ask you how many partners you’ve had, and you say 62, well, I’m gonna start to tell myself a bunch of stories about that number. Maybe I could get a better understanding as to, you know, why is that number so low or so high or important to you?
[00:19:14] Jess O’Reilly: Or not important to you. Right. Because I don’t know, like I really don’t care so much how many people you’ve slept with, but you’re right. I’m naturally curious.
[00:19:22] Brandon Ware: When we first got together, I was definitely interested in how many you had been with and. Now, you know, obviously years have gone, have gone by
[00:19:29] Jess O’Reilly: Decades.
[00:19:30] Brandon Ware: Decades have gone by, and I’m not, I don’t care. I, I genuinely feel comfortable with how many I’ve had and how many you’ve had. And, you know, again, I think it, this ties into toxic masculinity. I, I, I think about what happens when the partner’s number is higher than you expect, or lower than you expect. Or how does it compare to the, your number?
[00:19:50] Brandon Ware: And again, why does that matter?
[00:19:52] Jess O’Reilly: I hate the language of body count. Oh yeah. Oh, I can’t stand it. I know. I don’t know. Do what feels good for you. Be kind to each other. Be nice. You know, [00:20:00] again, it’s this idea that, oh, you’re a bad person if you’ve had more partners. I’m like, what if you’ve had many partners and you’ve treated them well versus you’ve had one partner and you didn’t treat them well?
[00:20:08] Brandon Ware: Yeah.
[00:20:08] Jess O’Reilly: Right. What if you’ve had many partners and the sex was never good? There was never open communication. It was never like exciting and exploratory and mutually pleasurable, versus you’ve had one partner and you had an amazing. Experience. So I, I think numbers obviously quality over quantity anytime, but I get it.
[00:20:25] Jess O’Reilly: People are curious and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being curious. We’re naturally curious. You and I were talking about this before. Yeah. We were about like, what do people look like under their clothes? So it’s not that we want to see everybody naked. But there is this natural curiosity when something is secretive, when something is covered up.
[00:20:41] Brandon Ware: Yeah, I agree. I’m, I’m, I’m always, I, I find myself, I’m, I’m looking at other people and I wonder sometimes how do they, you know, how do they look? Or, and, and I’m, and I think to myself, why am I thinking this? Why does this matter?
[00:20:51] Jess O’Reilly: Because you don’t get to see, I mean, we probably get to see more naked bodies than many people, but we’re not like staring at the naked bodies when we’re No, I should be clear.
[00:20:58] Jess O’Reilly: I’m not being weird in naked areas, but I think we’re curious because it’s something that’s always covered up. Like if I was like, Hey, do you wanna see this picture of this tree? You might not be that excited. Yeah, I do. Because you see trees. Trees everywhere. Maple. I love a good Mabel. There’s nothing sexier than an oak.
[00:21:14] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Show me them oak picks.
[00:21:17] Jess O’Reilly: Okay, last question. In this quickie episode. Okay, this last one’s a serious one. When is it okay to introduce kids to a new partner? And they tell me a little bit about how they’ve just started dating and they have kids. So again, with all of these questions, I can share perspective.
[00:21:31] Jess O’Reilly: You know, with the farting one, I can, you know, share the data that one study said that women wait seven and a half months, but in the end, you’re the expert in your own situation and you’re also the greatest expert in in your kids, right? So I can share perspective. I mean, I think if you’re serious about a long-term relationship that might be.
[00:21:47] Jess O’Reilly: Time to introduce them. Maybe not when you’re just excited about a new partner, but when you’ve kind of talked a little bit about your future and what your relationship means, and also when you know that partner. Here’s my view. This is just my opinion. When you know that this new [00:22:00] partner is supportive of the role parenting plays in your life, like when they are really supportive of the fact that you’re a parent, I think.
[00:22:07] Jess O’Reilly: I think that’s really important. And I think again, more important than when is how right are you introducing with sensitivity? Are you keeping the first introduction, um, thoughtful and clear? Maybe a little bit brief if you think that it could be overwhelming for your kids. Like for some kids it’s no big deal and for some kids they might be resistant to it.
[00:22:25] Jess O’Reilly: They might be getting, you know, feedback or interference from another parent Who’s critical of the idea of you having a partner? Uh, I think so. If that’s the case, you need. The opportunity for some sort of, uh, a debrief session. And yeah, it really depends, I think, on how your child is adjusting to the fact that you might be dating again.
[00:22:42] Jess O’Reilly: Maybe you’re still kind of going through a separation or a divorce. How are they reacting to that? Are they nervous that a new partner might replace their other parent or an ex? Uh, I think there are all these specifics that really. Way in more importantly than my perspective or any data that I could pull up, I mean, I can share my story.
[00:23:00] Jess O’Reilly: My mom introduced me to my stepdad Lu G when I was a teenager, kind of right away, I think like right when he came into the picture. And um, for me it wasn’t a big deal.
[00:23:10] Brandon Ware: I really, how could you not like Luigi?
[00:23:12] Jess O’Reilly: Oh my God, I have the best stepdad ever. Such a good dude. I’m so li and you know, I, I say the word stepdad, but he didn’t really play a huge parental role in my life cuz I was already like, I actually can’t remember how old I was, 15, 16 and I was about to kind of, I moved outta the house kind of young cuz I was obsessed with being independent.
[00:23:29] Jess O’Reilly: Not because I didn’t love being around them, but he’s just the greatest. And I was happy to have another kind of wonderful person in my life. I don’t think I ever. Like compared him to my biological dad. I mean, I’m sure, of course I’m human, I compare. But in terms of role, I never did because he never stepped into that role.
[00:23:45] Jess O’Reilly: So in my case, it was kind of no big deal. It was like, oh, here’s Luigi. He’s cool. He has a minivan. Sometimes he would drive me places. I learned to drive in that minivan and it was fine. But I mean, it’s gonna be different for a six year old. It’s gonna be different. If you’re going through a contentious separation, it’s going to be different.
[00:23:59] Jess O’Reilly: [00:24:00] Again, if you’ve got. An ex-partner chirping in your children’s ear. It’s gonna be different depending on the personality of your child. Cuz I will admit, and this I won’t get into, but I think my sister and I have different, very different personalities and I think our reactions were very different. And so I’ll just leave it at that, that it’s not even about the partner, it’s not even about you.
[00:24:17] Jess O’Reilly: It’s about knowing. Your child’s needs, and if you have kids, you know that each of those kids is very, very different. I agree. All right. We kind of run the gamut here from kids to passing gas.
[00:24:30] Brandon Ware: I’d like to say that the next time we do this, I’d like to have a round table of people to chime in. On when should I, or you know what I mean?
[00:24:39] Jess O’Reilly: Actually, folks, send us, send us your stuff. There’s a button on my website where you can record an audio note or you can just record it on your phone and send it to me and I’ll play it on the podcast because Yeah. B and I don’t have the answers. We have some thoughts and we have the mic. We only have three mics.
[00:24:54] Jess O’Reilly: How many people do you want at this round table? You want me to buy another mic?
[00:24:57] Brandon Ware: You know what, let’s just get a bunch of mics and we’ll go around and we’ll ha we’ll round table this up. And we’ll have a talk about holding your farts in.
[00:25:04] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. But yeah, and I know that we’re super weird about farts personally, as I said.
[00:25:07] Jess O’Reilly: So if you’ve got thoughts on when to pass gas in front of a new partner or an old partner, when to snoop on their phone, um, when to ask about number of partners or when to introduce kids to a new partner, even your own stories, I think they’re really valuable because I think kind of the qualitative storytelling can be, can be more valuable than the supposed, you know.
[00:25:25] Jess O’Reilly: Quantitative data itself.
[00:25:26] Brandon Ware: And the one thing I love is hearing other people’s perspectives. I like to hear what other people have to say because I’m willing to listen. Mm-hmm. And I, and I’m willing to also, you know, challenge my own perspective on any of these topics, not just passing gas.
[00:25:39] Jess O’Reilly: Please don’t send me the emails saying Brandon fart in front of Jess.
[00:25:42] Jess O’Reilly: Go ahead, send me those emails. Yeah, shoot us a message, record us a voice note. I would love that to play it on, on next week’s podcast. Uh, great to chat with you, babe. Yeah, great chatting with you. And folks, if you are looking for something that tingles, something, that vibes something that lubes up.
[00:25:56] Jess O’Reilly: Something that goes right up the butt. Something that plays on the outside something. Oh damn something. [00:26:00] Glacey something up. Leathery something rough. Something soft. Love honey.com. Love honey.ca. Love honey.uk. Depending on your location. Save on everything. Still this week they’ve extended the code. DRJESS15 . Happy shopping.
[00:26:12] You’re listening to The Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.
