December 29, 2022
Revolutionize Relationships In 2023
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Let’s start 2023 on the right foot with some easy strategies for happier, more fulfilling relationships of – all kinds. Jess and Brandon share; 7 simple resolutions ranging from the sexual to the practical.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Revolutionize Relationships In 2023
Participant #1:
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I’m your co host Brandon Ware, here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Last one of 2022. Wow. 2022. Done. There you go. Oh, how was your year? It was good. Are you surprised that I said good? I know Brandon’s response to everything is good. Like, we had the most delicious meal last night. Our friend took us for wow. Yeah, that was great. That was really okay. The wagyu it was great. Okay. That’s an extreme response for Brandon, but every time we cook something delicious, he’s like, yeah, it’s good. You’re not a pleasure to cook for wow. You are correct. You’re not a pleasure to eat with jazz. No, I didn’t mean it that way. But you don’t even mean no, I get it. If you cook for me or my family, we’re like, oh, my gosh, you guys are so good. You’re making noise while the food you’re like, what is happening over here, man? But, yeah, no, I generally respond with it. Yeah, it’s good. Okay, so was this a good year for you? Yes, it was. Okay. I’m asking that because there’s some key findings that came out of the Ipsos Global Advisor Predictions goal for 2023, and I want to look at some other predictions and talk a little bit about the topic at hand today, which is resolutions to revolutionize relationships in 2023 and beyond. But before they got to the predictions for 2023, they offered a very brief 2022 in retrospect, and 73% say this year was a bad year for my country, which is down 77% from 21 and down from 90% in 20. So we’re seeing improvement, although 73% saying, this is a bad year for my country is pretty high. This is a global survey, by the way, and the range was from 44% in Saudi Arabia, so the most positive in the lower to 87% in Hungary. And 56% across the globe say that this year was a bad year for me and my family, which is down only 2% from 2021 and down considerably 14% from 70% in 2020. So overall, we’re still seeing negative perception, and in the predictions I’ll go over in just a moment, we’re seeing pessimism, but it’s all of those negative trending in the right direction. Exactly. So the negativity is trending down. So I wouldn’t say this year was a bad year for me and my family. I guess I’d fall into the 44%. Yeah, I would agree. I feel the same way. I mean, again, perspective challenges, like, what are you up against? But for me personally, I thought it had a good year for me and my family, and there was some stuff that happened, too, and 2022 for me flew by. Yeah, I agree. Wow.
Reflecting back now on the entire year, it whipped by, and maybe because there’s so much happening globally. Like, when you think back as to the news that hit at the beginning of the year, it’s hard to believe that it was a year ago. I don’t have a reference right now. You could put me on the spot, but I’m trying to remember major, significant events that happened in January. Well, a year ago today, it was the big was it Omar Crown breakout? Not today today, but around this time in North America. Yeah. And so in Canada, for example, things started to shut down in January again. People were kind of not locked in, like you were always allowed out of your house, but I think schools were closed, and it was just headaches for parents and for people with kids at home and for people trying to do their jobs and just simply survive. So we’re in a different place than that in North America. And I know it’s not the same for everybody around the world, but predictions for 2023 so obviously a lot of these predictions have to do with what’s happening in the economy. And expectations for the economy are expected to worsen in 2023. And the negativity toward prices increasing, toward inflation, toward interest rates rising, toward unemployment. So expectations that these things will fall in a negative direction are very, very high. Very, very high in terms of the environment. 65% of people expect more extreme weather events next year than this year. 57% think 2023 will be the hottest year on the record in their country. 45% expect a natural disaster to hit a major city in their country. Yeah, I don’t think that’s any surprise, given the trend of weather. Yeah, it’s a lot. 48% think that it is likely oh, I don’t even know why I’m going here, but that a nuclear weapons will be used in conflict somewhere in the world in 2023. So this is 34% from last year. So and this feeling has increased by more than, I think, 10% in 25 of the 31 countries that were not surprising. Ah. Followed in this study. Now, moving to something maybe a bit more interesting, nearly half of us 47% expect a space rocket to be launched en route to Mars in 2023. What? I’m just thinking, who’s going to be on it? Can we send that guy on it? Do we have a choice? There’s a few people I’d like to put on that ship. 39% expect space tourism service to offer moon trips to launch in this year. And 27, this is really interesting to me. 27% expect a brain implant to restore lost memories in 2023. I know it’s the future. I didn’t do any research on how close we are to that. I mean, we don’t even have male birth control now. We can restore memory. We do. You just cut it off. Okay, listen, that’s not my problem. Not against it. So the interesting thing is the outlook for 2023, there is optimism that next year will be a better year than this year. That has actually fallen from 77% to 65%, and it’s at a ten year low. So optimism that the global economy will be stronger next year has also fallen. Obviously, we see what’s happening in the markets. We don’t have to be real analysts to figure that out. So I don’t know. I know, I just thought I’d lift your spirits. So I was thinking about what people are expecting for next year, and I’m curious what you are most looking forward to next year. I’m looking forward to continued social gatherings and travel. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I’m looking forward to some new exciting work opportunities. I’m looking forward to spending time abroad. I’m looking forward to a lot of things, and that’s going to be a part of one of the resolutions we talk about. I’m definitely looking forward to work. Like, I just I’m so happy to be back at work giving workshops and giving speeches. That’s super excited. And then more on from a global perspective.
I’m looking forward to see what kind of this next wave of activism brings because I think it’s been simmering, we’ve been fighting, but there is a mainstreaming of justice campaigns and dialogues that I don’t think we’ve seen before. And I’m just listen, I don’t even want to say I’m optimistic. I’m just hopeful that we see the fruits of that labor kind of come to fruition, put into practice, spread to broader groups. And that’s kind of my hope for 2023. I think it’s happening. I think that I can see more of it starting to show its head, I feel like. But then we also see regression, like a lot of people who moved into important positions to bring new perspectives in media, for example. And I won’t get into names, but across the States and across Canada, we’ve seen this kind of old guard come in and undo in a swoop, in kind of just one felt swoop, undo a lot of the positive changes. So I don’t even think I can say I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m just hopeful that that’s what we see. I’m sure that a lot of those changes also they’re mastered to the guise of layoffs as a result of economic hardships and things like that, as opposed to perhaps another agenda. There is another agenda underlying that. And in my field, we also have some kind of trends on the horizon. So one thing we’re really hoping for 2023 is better porn, more ethical porn. More people opting to pay for porn to ensure that the performers not only are paid fairly, but have a voice and are doing what they enjoy doing so they can enjoy the roles that they’re playing, just like other performers that we see on screen. So I’m hoping for more ethical porn, more people saying, you know what, I’m going to pay for my porn. We see changes in health tech, in the sexuality space as well. We see more options for at home testing, for STI testing. We see a huge mainstreaming of sexual pleasure. Right. Every big box store is now carrying Vibrators and this can be a good thing. Definitely there’s more product flooding in the market, so there’s going to be kind of the good, the bad and the ugly. And I do hope that people remember that their local shops have been selling and supporting you with these products for decades now, for many, many years, in spite of the pushback, in spite of neighborhood protests. So hopefully we’ll still go to the little people. I do like going to some of the local shops because the people that we engage with in those stores are so knowledgeable and they take the time and they explain everything to you as opposed to here. Up in Canada, A, we went I think I was in shoppers drugmarter, the equivalent of our Walgreens or CVS, and there were sex toys on the shelf now and I think there were. And I’m not going to get the customer service there that I’m going to get at some of the small boutique shops. So I do appreciate that very much. That’s a good point. And a lot of these boutique shops don’t just stand for selling and profit. Yes, of course they need to make a living and they need to turn a profit. But they’ve long been a part of justice movements related to reproductive rights and reproductive justice, and they’ve been gathering places for people who are trying to make change and guide and drive these movements. I mean, if I’m going to put something buzzing in my butt or strapped around my penis, I want that person to know very well exactly what it’s going to do and how it’s going to do it. No offense, but if you were just stocking milk or working the cash register, I don’t know that you necessarily have the expertise on that.
Right? Well, actually, I remember this big campaign by I can’t remember one of the local drug stores that didn’t sell all the additional items like cheese and milk and cameras and all that jazz. And they were saying, don’t you want to get your prescriptions? Do you want to buy your prescriptions in the same place that you can buy Mozzarella cheese or something like that? It was kind of in the beginning when these drug stores started becoming more like mini grocery stores. And I think we could say the same for Vibes. Listen, I’m not against Vibrators being in drug stores or in department stores. I think it’s amazing and I’ll be a part of it. But also, let’s just remember the local shops while we’re at yeah, and then I’m sure that there are also people in those big shops that know a ton about these toys. Really? You think that’s the onboarding training from Walgreens? No, I don’t, but I’m just saying I’m sure that there’s somebody out there who knows 100 times what I know about sex toys and works at one of those stores. That’s true. Okay. They’re going to be the exception as opposed to the rule. All right, so I’m looking forward to 2023. I’m now regretting that I kind of went over that survey data. But I do think it’s a reminder that no matter what’s going on and no matter what other people are thinking and no matter what the predictions and what’s going on in the markets as well, we have an opportunity to plan for the upcoming year and to have an outlook and to make our own resolutions. And you don’t have to call them resolutions. They can be commitments or strategies or explorations or curiosities, but I’ve got seven simple I’m calling them resolutions. You can call them whatever you want for better relationships in the upcoming year. And the first one is to plan for pleasure. And what I mean by this is to plan your year from now. I don’t mean you have to plan all the way to September, but start carving out time now for your relationships, for pleasure, for connection, for downtime, for non work time, with friends, with family, with partners, with lovers, because we put so much effort into planning our work calendars, our kids calendars, but not our own, right? And I think we wait for things to come up, and then all of a sudden, it’s June, and all you’ve done is work 60 hours a week.
So I was talking I’ve been seeing this in Happy Couples, and I was talking to a couple the other day and asking them what their plans were for the holidays. And they went on to tell me about some of the fun plans they had for January, for February and for April. And I thought, oh, that’s so cool that you’ve planned all the way ahead to April. And what she said to me was that she said, if we don’t plan ahead through the cold, miserable winter of Toronto, we kind of have nothing to look forward to or time gets away from you. Like, her partner runs a big company, and she also works for herself, and so they just need to carve out that time in advance. And it made me think of this other couple that I worked with a long time ago, and this couple was they were hella busy. They were actually both CEOs. They were both super active in their communities. They had children. They were very, very socially engaged. And every single month, they block one weekend with no commitments. So one weekend a month, that is just for them. And if you get a wedding invitation for June and it falls on their weekend, that’s fine. They’ll go to the wedding, but they’ll block a different weekend, and they commit to that from the very beginning. What does that weekend look like? Did they say what they do? Was it? Saturday. Morning to Sunday. Evening. Is it Friday to Monday? It was starting Friday night. Friday night. Just get in the mood. No. And it might be just relaxing and doing nothing. It might be going on, like, a little mini vacation. It might be that they’re going hiking. They were kind of outdoorsy people. Europeans like to be outside and explore new things, and they would go up to the mountains. So just think about what you can plan ahead. Obviously, people have different schedules, different work expectations, different resources, but if there’s any pleasure you can plan for your life, do it right now. And I was thinking about ours. So we’re with family now into January, and in February, I’m super busy with work. But I’m hoping that my kind of speaking tour that lands around Valentine’s ends before my birthday on the 18th, I’m hoping, and we’ll end up someplace nice together. In March, my dad turns 80. So there’s going to be some stuff kind of planned around that. In April and May, I have bookings in different places, so hopefully I can add a day on and we can meet up or something like that. I have a request for a booking in Asia in June. What about my birthday? Oh, so your birthday I booked. Yeah. Brandon’s birthday is February 12, and the week leading up actually, the two weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day are my busiest time of year, so poor guy. I’m never around. But we can celebrate your birthday. We celebrate another year in 2024. When are you turning 45? 2024 in a couple of months. Oh, shoot. I don’t even know your birthday. Is 45 a big birthday? It is for me, it is. Every year is a big no. Okay, hang on. Now. I’m going to look at my calendar and see. Yeah, let’s free it up right now. Right now? No, I have something on your birthday. Out of town. This is all I can do, babe. I’m sorry. You can come, though. It’s someplace really fun. Is it? And really hot. Maybe I’ll do that. I mean, everything is really hot in comparison. Toronto. But think about what you can plan ahead, whether it’s like a dinner with friends or a weekend where you get to go into your goblin mode. You know? That’s my favorite word. Whatever it is that floats your boat.
So, number one, plan ahead. Number two, I’ve talked about this before, but I haven’t talked about it in a long time. Can you commit to investing 60 seconds a day to connect and make your partner feel loved and adored and special? And we know that when you make someone feel important, when you make them feel special, they get this serotonin boost, right? You get a serotonin boost when you enact or receive kindness, when you laugh, when you socialize with loved ones. And we use it in business to try to draw customers in, make people feel important. And so can you do this in 60 seconds a day with a favor that sort of surprises them or catches them off guard or makes them feel appreciated. So it might be a gentle hand massage. What are some of your favorite 62nd favors? Yeah, I mean, my go to is the hand massage. Usually it involves massaging some part of your back or your neck or your feet. I find those easy. Also like to do things like, I’ll make you coffee throughout the day. It’s easy. It shows you that I care. I love the 62nd favorite thing because to me, growing up, it was all about these magnanimous sort of things that you did for your partner, and it’s like you did it once in a blue moon, these 62nd favors, it’s just little bursts of little bursts to show that you care, because you do. And then that builds momentum over time, which I love. So anyway, coffee, massages, bringing them fruit, I bring you a green juice. Cleaning off their computer screen, warming up their socks for them before they put them on in the morning, warming up their bed with the electric blanket. I’ve already talked about this. Best gift ever. Yeah, he plugs in the electric blanket before I get up into the bedroom. And it just every day I love being warm and I hate being cold, and it just makes me feel I squeal every day when I get in it. Now I’m like, it feels so good. I usually can’t hear you because it’s too cold on my side, the cold blacks out there. So any 62nd favor that you can do for them, like picking up a snack today, I put in a chicken patty for you. Yeah, that was great. It’s not like I cooked for you. I took the chicken patty that my mom put in my freezer, and I put it in the oven. It didn’t even take me 60 seconds, but it was the fact that you did it right, because I knew you were coming home. I was like, oh, I appreciate that. And yeah, I did. I appreciate it. Again, not discounting what you did, but it was a simple task, and it really went a long way for me. So just think about what those things are, and it might sound silly, but just write them down and then just kind of rotate through, and you’ll start learning what your partner likes and what they’ve what they really appreciate, and then those can just kind of grow that list. Absolutely. Like, it could be a chocolate on their pillow. What? Leave something on your pillow. Not a hershey. Hey, babe, that’s something for you on your pillow. No, not that. It could be a love note where you just kind of take a sticky. And I like the idea of putting it in their purse or in their briefcase or putting it on their sun visor in their car so that when they open it up at some later time, they find it socks. If you take their socks and put them on the heating vent or on the radiator so they can put on warm socks in the morning, any of these things will do super, super simple. So I would ask you to just think about can you, will you? Is it worth it for you to commit 1 minute a day, every day in January to making your partner feel adored? And this is the equivalent to me of dollar cost averaging. Rather than investing everything in the market in 1 minute, you’re doing it every single day. And I think that these small daily interactions and gestures go so much farther than any grand gesture. I’m giving it my guarantee. I guarantee this will help. Does anybody who guarantee, I guarantee, because no one cares what I guarantee. The Brandon stamp of approval. It goes a long way. It really does. It really is true. I think it’s a big part of why we function so well. 62nd favors. Here’s another one, here’s another one.
So, resolution number three. So these are just suggestions, all right? This one involves warning your partner. Or another loved one. When you’re in a bad mood, coming up with a signal or a code because so many problems occur because we just we get in a mood, right? And then our partners feel responsible or we blame them because they’re just there, or we take the brunt of it out on them, or they try to fix it when we’re not ready or willing and we still want to sit in our bad mood. Or we get into this pursue withdraw dynamic in which we expect our partner to fix our bad mood, leaving the pursuer feeling the person who’s a pursuer feeling alone, the withdrawer feels inadequate. There are all these different dynamics that occur just because sometimes you’re in a bad mood and I don’t know, you usually tell me when you’re in a mood and I kind of like it. I usually just tell you I’m like I’m in a bad mood. We can change it though, if you like. Curios I want to do a signal. It’s a tongue wag. It goes like really? That’s your bad news, because that’s going to make me smile. And that’s what you have to do if you’re in a bad mood, you have to go to let your partner know. And I think that there are so many benefits to this on both sides, both to the individual and to the relationship. So when you say it, when you say I’m in a bit of a mood, you acknowledge it and just naming the moodiness can actually attenuate some of the symptoms, right?
Being able to express it and not feel shame in it. Because a lot of us grew up in families or had messaging reinforced around not being allowed to be in a bad mood, not being allowed to be angry or frustrated. So I think it’s a really positive thing to say and acknowledge it. Of course, your partner may be able to support you or soothe you or get out of your way, which is going to reduce tension and conflict in the relationship. And this doesn’t have to just be with partners. This can be with other family members, with roommates, with close friends. And then the third piece that’s so important is that I think it gives us permission to be in a bad mood. And I think I know I need that because I’m a real upper person and I’m happy and I’m full of energy, and sometimes I just want to be sulky for a little bit. That’s cool. And I don’t feel safe in all of my relationships to do that, like I definitely do with you, but I don’t have many relationships where I feel really safe just being like, I don’t want to entertain, I don’t want to tell jokes, I don’t want to drive the conversation. I want to sit here and talk. And that could be a cue for me. I could be like, hey, you feeling up for a hand massage? Have a little 60 seconds. Have a little, hey, I left some on the pillow for you upstairs. Why don’t you go look at it? I’m like, you take it all and make it sarcastic. Sorry. I’m being serious. This is my serious face. And then and then I was thinking as an extension of warning when you’re in a bad mood with a signal or a code, like the I think what goes hand in hand with that is the resolution or the commitment of all of us to differentiate from our partners emotionally. And I think many of us are good at doing this with friends. Some parentchild relationships have difficulty with that emotional regulation and differentiating. But when I say differentiate, I mean don’t take on your partner’s mood. Commit to not taking on your partner’s mood, not feeling responsible for it, and setting boundaries on what you can offer so you can be in a really bad mood. And again, I feel the pressure to try and fix it for you, but it’s not that I can’t support you, but I shouldn’t take on that bad mood. So this is different, though, just about from warning somebody to turn to different. This is the next point, right? Number four. Okay. Sorry, I was just getting the two confused. Brendan has one job, which is to count the points. Which number are we on? Numerous quarteroquato. So we’re on number seven. Yeah. And I noticed that sometimes around this time of year, because it’s the holidays and there are more people around and there’s just a ton of events and social, and sometimes you’re with people you’re just loving to loving being around. And sometimes it feels like you’re with people that you don’t love being around. And really, in a way, we can get really frustrated, and I noticed that we can kind of start complaining about it and then commiserate and then take on one another’s moods. Yeah, I definitely do the commiserating thing, so I need to stop. Well, it can also feel good to commiserate. It can feel good to know that someone that what you’re frustrated with feels validated by the other person. But when I say differentiate, I mean that when I come in and I’m in a bad mood, you’re able to function. I think that’s a bit harder for you because you’re used to me being happy. Yeah. It’s definitely something that I struggle with, and I’m obviously working on it right now. But I do like the idea of coming in and you being like, I want mine to be something cool, too. Okay. So we’re going to have different ones. I can only remember one new thing. Well, mine’s awesome. Did I do it? Yeah, that was great. Okay, I’m going to stick with the tongue leg. Okay. Moving on to number five. I was thinking that sorry, sir, what number again? Which number we have single? I was thinking that it would be fun to just share a new fantasy, a resolution to just commit to sharing something that you haven’t ever shared before. Right. Feel like you already have something in mind. I do. I’m not sure. Yeah, but I’m not sharing it right now. I’m not. Listen, I’m I’m telling you how to do it. I’m not going to actually show you because given my sexy eyes that no one can see right now because it’s embarrassing. Okay. Even better. I won’t feel embarrassed with you, but I’d feel embarrassed with everybody else. So then that’s our little secret.
Participant #1:
Now I’m in a bad mood. Ben and has been in a bad mood. Yes. I just want you I’m encouraging you to think about talking about something like something you’ve seen on TV that made you hot. Go back and listen to the fantasy podcast, which wasn’t too long ago, but if there’s something you’ve never told anybody about, tell a friend or tell a love or tell somebody who consents to hearing it, obviously. Good idea. And then number six numerous face. Brandon. I got it. Involves doing a weekly probe whoa, hold on. Really? To learn something new. Amazing. Yeah. Do a weekly probe. So I was thinking that it would be and this is something that I’ve done with couples in the past, where once a week, you each come up with some sort of a question that will lead you to learn something new about them. And so that’s great in a new relationship, but it’s also, I think, exceptionally useful in a long term relationship to have a conversation that’s new and different. And we talk about this all the time. I’ve talked about the dark triad of mundanity and relationships involving when your conversation becomes reduced to your work, your family and your schedules. We have to. Change the conversation. So if each of you, you can just Google it, like, interesting questions to ask my partner to seem interesting to them.
If you were going to be a dog, what kind of dog would you be? Oh, I’d be a big dog. Would you? Yeah, a big dog that people would snuggle. Oh, nice. Would you be a small dog so you could go in a purse? I don’t know. I think I probably have to write it down to think about it. That’s what I’m going to come back as, come back as a dog. I just want to be clear, that is not the type of question I was suggesting that I liked. Yeah. I was thinking more for example, what do you miss most about the first year of our relationship? I was thinking, what’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you? Well, I won’t answer that now. I know. Will you answer my question, though? What do you miss about the first year of our relationship? I miss the spontaneity of things, where you’d be out, we’d go out. And then it was like, hey, do you want to go to this? I don’t know, after hours, you want to go to another bar? You want to go do this? You want to go during the day? Do you want to go, let’s go away this weekend. I mean, I guess we kind of do that still. But there wasn’t as much structure and as much routine, so everything seemed like a surprise at first, you know what I mean? Whereas now I’m Captain Structure. But I’m so surprised to hear that because I feel like all I do is disrupt your routine. Yeah, I like it. I do. I think in the moment, I’m like, I don’t know if I like this. I’m not a good man. But no, I do remember just you’d be going somewhere, and then, like, let’s just go right and go down this road instead, or let’s go here, do this, or do that. Oh, so you liked pre Google Maps timing. Oh, my God. Yeah, I did not like that. You get lost all the time. Even that can be fun. And with me, you always end up in an alleyway. Like, wherever we go in the world, we walk really, really far distances, always in a dark alley. I remember this time I was coming, approaching from the rear. I was in Mumbai by myself, and I took a walk, took me all down alleyways, but there were lots of people around. Yeah, I did not blend in. There you go. So I don’t know if it was a good idea.
Okay, so you miss you miss the spontaneity? I’m not sure what I miss. I think I miss we didn’t do as much. Like, we are constantly on the go now. There are so many, I guess, commitments, but mostly I find them very fun, and I like to be what most people would consider over committed. But back then, we would stay in bed really late because we worked in the bar. We would get up at, like, one, two days. We wake up at, like, four, but we wouldn’t get home until 04:00 A.m.. 05:00 A.m., right? Yeah. Well, no, it’s not 05:00 A.m., but we’d go four. You used to work overnight in a club where you would get off the shift at, like, 08:00 A.m.. Oh, my gosh. I remember the sun would be coming up, and you’d be coming up, I have to put my gold shorts away. Come inside. He worked in these little gold booty shorts on his very first shift at Fly Night Club. That’s right. They were like, here’s your outfit. I was like, let’s do this. I did not bring the right shoes. They were tiny, too. They would have fit me. I don’t know exactly what to say to that, but yeah, okay, sure. Yeah. So that’s sort of what I miss anyhow. So that’s an example of a question, but it could be anything. We’ve done previous podcasts where we’ve focused on questions that you can ask your partner for intimacy, questions you can ask to reignite the sparks. You can use those as well. Just one at a time, once a week. No pressure. It’s like a couple minute conversation. And hopefully I can tell you, for example, for us, we won’t burn your ears with it, but it’s going to lead to more conversation. Yeah, even that it’s. Just a few minutes. That was fun. Had a couple of laughs. Remembered your gold short. Remembered my gold shorts and watching Law and Order reruns. Well, we’re still doing that. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Only with commercials. Yeah, no commercials anymore. Well, my biggest regret, because I think another great probe in question is, like, what’s your biggest regret from college? Or what’s your biggest regret from your teenagers? My biggest life regret is that we don’t have those gold shorts anymore. Yeah. I’m sure we could find some. Go Google pictures. Brandon ware bartender gold shorts. Really? I don’t think there are any of those pictures. No, because there weren’t camera phones back then, because I’m 90. But there are other pictures out there. Yes, because you were a model. Brandon was a model for Woody. So if anybody knows the old program, this podcast, you’re just giving away all my secrets, man. Okay. Talking about my left nipple. Do you want me to cut it? No, listen, I’m proud of that. That was good fun. So there was a bar called Woody’s, or there is a bar called Woody’s on Church Street here in Toronto, and that I think they did a bunch of filming for Queers Folk there. And Brandon was a model. I’m sure we’ve talked about this. You were paid dozens of dollars easily. I think I made, like, $40. And they’re still using the pictures. They’re very sexy. If you can go to Woody’s in Toronto and see those pictures, it might be worth your while. You might not recognize me anymore because it was many years ago. No, man, you look the same. You honestly look the same 20 something years ago. Anyway, you look the same. I mean, obviously you look older.
Participant #1:
Those are signals for bad move, not signals for triggered. We have to come up with different signals. I just want to make noises that your noise is so annoying. It’s awesome. Okay, finally we move on to number seven, brendan numero siete. Got it. Numerodos. No, not numero. Dose. Reduce technoference. So, 7th resolution. Is there something you can do to reduce the interference of technology in your life, in your relationships? And this applies across the board, whether you’re single or partnered, whether you’re monogamous or consensually non monogamous. We know that technology can enhance relationships, but it can also take a toll on connection, on trust, on compassion, on affection, on attraction, on all of the things that we’re looking to nurture in relationships. And we did a podcast on technoference not too long ago on strategies to reduce technoference. So you can go have a listen to that if you’re interested in exploring more. And I think that in that interview or in that conversation, we did an interview with one another to gauge how we feel about the role of technology in our lives. And I think it can be really useful. So just think of one thing you can do as a resolution to change the way technology potentially interferes in your life and your happiness, in your health and your relationship.
So it might be that you stop taking your phone into the bedrooms. It’s my favorite on the week. We never take our phone into the bedroom. I’ve committed to stop now. Again, we don’t take our phones into the bedroom. We do have an iPad that we want four inches, a four inch iPad. But we don’t but I don’t check my email on it. I don’t check my my messages, anything. I’ve turned off all the note locations and it really helps big time. And now it’s just a habit. My phone doesn’t go in the bedroom, just goes in the office. I noticed that you don’t seem to check your email first thing in the morning. No, I don’t. That’s a really good habit. I don’t have that habit. I immediately wake up to my email super important. So I need I wait at least. It’s a terrible habit before I check it. No, I’m just kidding. I do wait. And you know what? Even if it’s it’s 20 or 25, 30 minutes after when I start checking, I also make a habit of not responding. That’s the other thing I notice. You don’t respond to emails right away. Like, you sit, you have your coffee, you read the paper, but you’re not on your emails. I don’t want to say it’s a bad habit, but my habit is that I immediately respond to emails. My problem is that as soon as I start responding, there are other people who might be up at that time and if they’re going to start responding, you generally expect a response. So I’ve just gone to the habit of saying, you know what, I’ll read the email email, I’ll leave it unread, but I’m not going to respond and I’ll get to it when I’m going to start my day. I would say overall, I’m definitely an offender in terms of technoference. Like I like to be on my phone. I’ve mentioned before that if we’re in a restaurant, obviously if we’re at a table, I don’t check my phone. But I can’t wait for him to go to the bathroom so I can check my phone. I think you should go. So I do have a little bit of a draw toward it that I have to be mindful of. One thing I’ll say is over the holidays we were kind of at event after event after event and I wasn’t checking my phone. And it was super weird to come back and WhatsApp is all full up with messages and I had to apologize to friends and I didn’t know if they believed me that I wasn’t checking my phone because they’re used to my response being a little too immediate. I’m actually thinking this year, and this doesn’t sound like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me, I’m thinking of throwing my phone in the safe while we’re away for not the whole day, but just blocks of the day and putting it away for four or 5 hours at a time just so I don’t check it. That’s smart. I’ll just keep my iPad close during those times. Do you know what I did the other day for Instagram? Because I was on Instagram too much, I moved it off of my home screen into a folder and it actually deterred me from opening it because I think the either compulsion or the drive or just the mere act of reaching for my phone and pressing on the Instagram icon is so natural. But because I had to think about where it was because I didn’t know where it was. Caught yourself? Yeah, I would catch myself and be like, you don’t need to go on Instagram right now. And then my fingers started remembering like this folder swiped twice, bottom right, so I have to move it again. I just set mine on a time limit as to how much time and then it shuts it off and you can still go on. It’s just a reminder like, hey man, you’ve been on here for 15 minutes today or whatever. So do you really? It’s just a little nagging voice in the back of my head that’s like, maybe you should do something else. I have that 15 minutes warning as well. How often do you ignore it? Ignore for today ignore for today. It’s just one barrier. It’s one button I got to push. I don’t even know what I’m doing on there. But just think about technoference.
We’re obviously thinking about it, and yeah, I’m thinking that I want to minimize social media use, and I think it’s a great time right now for the next few days over the holidays, while things are a little bit slower to maybe I’ll stick my phone in the safe with yours. Do it. Okay. Who’s going to know the password, though? Somebody needs to know the password. I think I’ll remember the password to the safe. Yeah, but then we thought you meant you were going to lock it in and not know the password. Who would know the password to the safe? Some special person to come over. No. Like my cousin or something? Yeah. No, I’m not taking it that serious. Okay. Because also we know my cousins won’t remember it. There’s only one responsible one. Okay, we got a lot of things to work out. So to recap, we’ve got these seven simple resolutions. Hold on. Numero uno, plan for pleasure. So kind of carve out anything fun you can look forward to, whether it’s relational or whether it’s about something that you’ve been dying to do. Number two, can you commit 60 seconds a day to connect and really make your partner feel special? Number three, can you warn them when you’re in a mood? Can you make a commitment to not taking on your partner’s mood and really making an effort to differentiate emotionally because that can lead to happier individuals as well as happier relationships? Number five, will you share a deep, dark fantasy that involves an oak tree? That’s mine. That’s all I’m telling you. Oak tree? Yes. I’m not telling you more. I’ll tell you later. Number six, will you do a weekly probe to learn something new about them? And number seven, will you just think about one simple way to reduce technoference in your life? And that’s it for 2022. That’s a wrap on 2022. Wow. Bring on 2023. Bring on 2023. If any of you happen to be shopping over the holidays, I have a new partner with a new discount code, lovehoney.com. And if you’re in Canada, it will redirect you to Lovehoney CA. If you’re in the UK. And if you’re in the U, it will do the same thing. But love, honey, is an amazing company. They are the sexual happiness people. I’ve been working with them for ages. In fact, they sponsored the first season of my television show, intimately. You I guess it was earlier this year. Yeah, just earlier this year. And they have an amazing range of beautiful products from stuff that’s really accessible to things that are a little bit more high end. They had the Advent calendar that went viral over the holidays and sold out in a day. They’ve got really cool stuff, including the 50 Shades line. They have lingerie in all sizes, so you can go check them out. Love, honey. And you can save 10% with code. Dr. Jess Ten. So slightly different than all the other discount codes that are just Dr. Jess. It’s Dr. Jess ten. So do go check them out. And you may be listening at the very end of the 2022, or you might be already into 2023. Maybe your first priority isn’t listening to the Sex with Dr. Just podcast as soon as it’s released. But I do hope that 2023 is full of peace and love and happiness and prosperity, however you define it. Amazing. I’m looking forward to 2023 and beyond. That was my ending. I’m going to stop getting go. All right, Buzz. Happy, happy New Year. Have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.
