September 8, 2022
The Most Common Sexual Fantasies (And How To Talk About Them)
Jess and Brandon discuss research – related to the most common sexual fantasies — from threesomes and group sex to sex with older partners and more. They also share a bit about their own fantasies, and Jess talks about the fantasies she hears about from clients. Finally, they share strategies to open up to your partner(s) about your most intimate fantasies.
For further reading on fantasies, check out these links below:
- What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy
- Is it my overactive imagination. The effects of contextually activated attachment insecurity on sexual fantasies
- Sexual fantasies and viewing times across the menstrual cycle. A diary study
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
The Most Common Sexual Fantasies (And How To Talk About Them)
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I’m your co host, Brandon. We’re here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, are you ready to talk sexual fantasies? Are you in a fantasy mood? Like, I know you’re not in a great mood today. What? I’m not talking about I’m in a great mood. You’re not cranky, but you’re something that rhymes with cranky. Okay, yes, I might have been somewhat irritable earlier today, but that phase has passed to a new phase. I’m in a great mood now. You keep telling yourself that. Yeah, exactly. Okay, sexual fantasies. All right. Do you have a lot of them? No, not right now. When did you have a lot of them? Between the ages of twelve and probably 22. Do you think it was an age thing or do you think it was a lack of sex? I think it was both. Probably a lot of the first point there. Actually, no, it was the latter. It was definitely the latter. What am I talking about? Let’s be real. You met me at 23. I did. That’s why I had a lot of fantasies before because I didn’t have that much sex. Well, you had that year in between, I guess, 22 to 23 where you had a lot of sex. No. Yeah. I don’t know. Anyway, no. Super awkward. Yeah. I’m kind of like stumbling over my words because as a teenager, I fantasize a lot. Did not have a lot of sex. What did you fantasize about? Inanimate animate objects. The chair, the lamp, grass. Wind you up. A grass. You know what? Maybe I should say these are the things that got me going at the time. Oh, you didn’t fantasize it. But rubbing up against them. They were just things that caused me to think sexual thoughts. So what were the sexual thoughts when you eventually got there? I’ve always been somebody who’s been more interested in fantasizing about non celebrity people. It was always attainable. People. No, really? It was never. People would be like, oh, I love to get with I’m going to date myself when I start talking. Are you going to say? Carmen Electra? No, I wasn’t going to say cartra. I thought you’re going to say Carmen Electra. Cindy Crawford. You really are old. Yes, I know, right? She’s beautiful. She is. But my point is that friends that I was around would be like, oh, so and so, or this movie star or that person. And for me it was like, that’s never going to happen. Why would I fantasize about that as opposed to fantasizing about somebody that I knew or somebody that I hang on. Work. Were those realistic? No, they weren’t realistic either, but they could be more realistic. In my head, it was more about the encounters that I think I had with those people. I could reflect back on, and that would kind of get the motor running. All right, cool. Now it’s awkward for you. I am feeling awkward. I kind of like the feeling of being awkward with you. Okay. Now, to make more awkward, what do you fantasize about? Now I fantasize about I’ve had fantasies about multiple partners. I’ve had fantasies about just random people where there’s no emotional connection, where I don’t think about the build up or, like, meeting someone and having a conversation with them and then getting to know let’s just do it. Do you talk to them? Do you get to know them? No, there’s no talking. Okay. Is that a key component in my fantasy? Yeah, it would be. No talk. Okay. And do you fantasize about your reaction to them or their reaction to you, or is it it would be more their reaction to me. My reaction to them would be aroused. Okay. I don’t think about how I’m reacting. I think more about how they’re reacting to me. How do you want them to react to you? Neutral, positive indifference. Okay, let’s do it. You know what? In my fantasy, they’re like, let’s just get this over. No, for real, though. I’m desired. That’s what it is. Yeah. They want me. Sometimes the environment is exciting. Again, I don’t fantasize that much. So you’re putting me on the spot, and I’m trying to think about what I’ve last perhaps fantasized about. I do fantasize about things that we have done in the past. When we made that whole meal kit. Yeah. When we went and got the mail together. Yeah. You make it like we have a mailbox. We walk to the mailboxes attached to the door. We went to get mail. Yeah. Those are the things that I fantasize about. And yeah, I think, really, it’s about being desired for me. Okay. All right. So there’s research on fantasies. Not that I’m here to psychoanalyze you, but what we’ve found I shouldn’t say we I wasn’t a part of the finding, but what the research has found is that our fantasies reflect how we’re feeling.
So, for example, if we’re feeling insecure, we may tap into fantasies that kind of boost our self esteem. So, for example, that feeling of being irresistible, I don’t know if that’s a part of it for you. That validation of being wanted might be. Again, I haven’t really thought about it, but that’s, again, being wanted. Yeah, but I don’t know if that’s an insecurity that I have or just or just a desire. Yeah, like a high five. So hold on. I’m naked in this fantasy, and somebody’s just high fiving me. That’s the end of the fantasy. That’s a neat shot. That’s the money shot. Well, this is not a fun fantasy. I’m standing in a room now, naked, and somebody just high fived and walked out. Do you remember when we saw that couple high five in the middle of sex? Yeah, I do. That was pretty awesome. That was the thing. All right. So when we’re dealing with anxious attachment, we may actually tap into fantasies that are less affectionate and create more distance between a fantasy partner or even hostility. So it’s interesting you said you don’t want to get to know them, you don’t want to talk to them because of hostility. Don’t want to talk to anybody. Seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now. Everybody, I think a lot of us are dealing with just kind of emotional exhaustion. Some of us. I’m already feeling a little tired from socializing so much. I thought you were going to say from talking to me right now and hearing my fantasy. No, I have that fantasy, too, where I don’t talk to someone. They just kind of do it. There’s no talking. The key is there’s no talking. I’m picking up on a no talking theme. Is this what you want from me? Present company included. So I think that’s kind of interesting. There’s a researcher, Dr. Garrett Bernbaum, and they are doing research on attachment styles and anxiety and how it may interact with our fantasies. Not that you have to have all of your fantasies explained, but for those of you who are perhaps in the field and are interested, you can take a Google for is it my Overactive Imagination? The effects of contextually activated attachment insecurity on sexual fantasies. Not the most sexy title, but if you want to dig in more to it, it’s in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. And then the other interesting thing, just kind of looking through the fantasy research, is that our fantasies not only change with our mood, obviously, but also with our cycles. So in menstruating folks, some studies, like, they’re kind of small samples, I just want to say, but they’ve shown that we have more fantasies, more fantasies altogether when we’re ovulating and we’re more likely to fantasize interestingly about men at this time as opposed to other women or genderqueer people or toys or other situations. But here’s what’s interesting to me. This is not my experience at all, but the study suggests that our fantasies become more emotional and less sexually explicit during our ovulation. For me, it’s more when I’m on my period. Like, I find I’m creating more emotional connection because I’m feeling weak and tired. Is that when you want me to talk? No. Put your hands on my back and rub deeply.
So if you want to take a look at some of those studies around ovulation, you can look for sexual fantasies and viewing times across the menstrual cycle. A diary study. So I promised we were going to talk about the most common sexual fantasies today, and I thought I would start with just what I see and what I hear. So I get to I’m back on the road, man. I’m going back on the road from, I think, September 6 to something like October 13. And I’m super excited for this because what it means is that I actually get to work with people and I love the clients that I work with and the groups that I work with. And one of the exercises I often do, especially in the really large groups where we can’t get everyone to open up and share, is I have them draw their ultimate sexual fantasy. Oh my gosh, mine would be so difficult to decipher. Poor fine motors. I have terrible find motors. Me too. And I draw mine, and mine always gets made fun of the most. But I don’t tell them it’s mine. Because what we do is I didn’t say mines, it sounded like mines. I didn’t say mine. So what we do, I got problems. No comments. We draw our sexual fantasies and then we crunch them up into a ball and we throw them all around the room. And then a minute later we open them up. So you never know where your snowball or fantasy came from. And we just kind of pass them around, we have a laugh, we try and decipher them. And so I’ve done this with probably, I don’t know, 3000, 5000 more. I love this exercise. I’ve seen you do it and it’s amazing because people throw it at each other because you can see the look on people’s faces when they’re trying to decipher somebody else’s drawing. And if you were trying to decipher my drawing, you’d be like, person tree ice cube. It’s funny you say that because mine always gets called a pony or a donkey, but it’s not. It’s a person. They’re on their hands and knees. Okay, I’m revealing here. So anyhow, I get to see all these fantasies and then some people actually will label them in writing because a types, they’re like, no, I want to clearly communicate what it is I’m trying to say here. So overwhelmingly, the absolute top fantasy that comes up in every single group all around the world. And I mean, it doesn’t matter if it’s a big western city like New York or if I’m in Beirut, it doesn’t matter. Always threesomes and group sex. It is the number one fantasy I personally hear about. It’s the number one fantasy we decipher in this drawing exercise. And it’s the one about which people have the most questions. And if you’re a listener of the podcast, you know that we have definitely talked about threesomes and how to talk about threesomes. The short version is if you’re interested in threesomes, I always encourage you to get really curious about why. So for you, for example, you’re interested in group sex. What is it that appeals to you about it? Yeah, it goes back to being desired from somebody else. Perhaps that validation. Now that I’m thinking about it, something new. Multiple hands, multiple, those are things that come to mind right away. Is there power in it? Because it’s such a common depiction in porn. And there’s this notion that especially for hetero men, do you fantasize just about two other women, or do you have a so? Yes, it would be like multiple women. And the power thing doesn’t immediately come to mind, but I’m sure that it’s there subconsciously. I’m sure that there is. I would agree. No, I’m curious because I think so many people think they want to have threesomes or be involved in group sex because it’s so commonly depicted in porn. But we’re not always thinking about, like, okay, so what actually appeals to me about it, like, what you said really makes sense because I know you, and it’s that validation of being wanted. And for other people, it’s the physical overwhelm. For other people, it’s the taboo. For other people, especially people in couples, in monogamous relationships, it’s about going through something intense and perhaps dangerous together. And I think that I don’t think you have to always understand your why for everything, but I think it can be helpful with fantasies to understand your why if you’re going to be communicating it to partners or partner so that you can kind of talk about, okay, so what am I excited about? What am I hoping to get out of it? What are my concerns? What are my hesitations? What will I do if it doesn’t turn out to be what I thought it might be? Because so often with threesomes, when I see couples, and one is more gung ho and keen to go from the onset, and the other is a little bit, perhaps more trepidacious once they get into the scenarios, sometimes those roles switch reversed.
Yes. And for the person who is really keen in the first place, it can feel like just like a hit to the gut that this thing that they perhaps felt they were not pressuring, but guiding their partner toward that was maybe their thing isn’t actually that pleasurable for them and their partner’s, driving an unexpected pleasure out of it. And that role reversal can be sometimes a bit of a challenge. It doesn’t have to be, but for some people, it really is. I would agree with that. I think some of the circumstances that I’ve been in, when it actually unravels, it’s more unnerving, and then I’m not enjoying things as much as I think I might have thought I would. Also, the other thing that I find just is the visual stimulation of that also is something that really I closed my eyes tight. Tight. I want no control. That’s the other thing. Some people want to lose control. Some people want to be the center of attention and adoration. And any of those desires that underpin your interest in a threesome or in group sex, I start with threesomes because they’re just more manageable, right? Like 30 toes instead of 40 toes or 50 toes or 60 toes or whatever. 62 toes. I determine all sexual experiences by toes in the room, feet in the room. So that is just by far the most common one I hear about, followed by kinky sex and BDSM. So anything like to do with domination and submission, a little bit of rough sex. That one always comes up. And then number three, I’m kind of going to combine this one. The theme is anything that involves change, challenge, or risk. So we see a lot of drawings of sex on a beach, sex on a boat, sex on a plane. So a change of location. And then what comes up, not in the drawing exercise, but in other parts of the workshop is sex with a new partner. Either a stranger or someone they know. So when you talk about sex with a random person, are you talking about someone you can actually see or imagine or envision? Or are you talking about more just scenario? I run into someone sorry, you said with a random person. What do I vision? No, it’s usually just a totally random person. It’s like I might be walking down the street and then something will cross paths with somebody or walk by someone, and then I will fantasize I’ll think about that person for a split second. Okay, so they’re not made up in your mind? No, they’re not. You don’t have that kind of creativity. You can’t draw a person. You can’t imagine a person. Not at all. Too many donkeys if you start doing that. All right. I don’t know if any of that surprising to you. Yeah, definitely. Always learning something new about top fantasies. For me, thinking again about the why is really interesting. It’s like, why do I want that? What about that situation? And then that might take me down another road and maybe I’ll come up with another fantasy. Or maybe you’ll come up with some other situation that might surprise you or me in terms of a fantasy. Yeah, and it’s not that I think you have to be super analytical about it. I just think that it can help to break it down into parts. Like, for example, if you want to have a threesome because you really want to be adored, you want to be desired and irresistible, then you can still play with that feeling in so many other ways, even if threesome isn’t accessible to you today. And then I wanted to add, I guess, a fourth or fifth fantasy that comes up a lot in my work. And it’s not in the groups that I work with. And obviously the groups I work with are diverse in that they are located across the world, but they’re not diverse in that they are all either entrepreneurs or CEOs because they’re parts of these organizations I tend to work with. So I mean, of course I work with different types of groups, but those are the ones that I’m most booked and busy with. So the other one that comes up in emails because I receive email questions and IG questions these ones pertain specifically to swinging and caught in the or watching a partner with someone else.
So really, really common ones. And then the research actually reflects some of what I’m seeing. And it’s interesting because I was looking at this research study and this study had around one 10 participants, I believe. And I’m thinking, okay, so it’s going to be probably more representatives than what I’m dealing with, but I’m really dealing with volume. I’m hearing from so many more people over time. But this study kind of dug into what are people fantasizing about? And what they found is that when they give them a list of fantasies, people have fantasized about pretty much everything. 62% fantasize about having sex in a public place. And I think this makes sense because this fantasy kind of combines the risk of getting caught, the potential of performing and balancing exhibitionism and voyeurism, there’s the power and excitement of breaking the rules. And it could be anywhere. Like it could be a place where you feel really comfortable or it can be a place where you feel a sense of risk. So I think it fulfills kind of both sides of the coin. 59% have fantasized about being dominated. And some people indulge in the power exchange itself. For others, the thrill of being dominated is actually tied to escape from reality, right? Being dominated allows us to escape from life’s everyday responsibilities and relinquish the pressure to perform for me because I definitely am super into being dominated. I just don’t want to take any more responsibility because I feel like I spend all day every day kind of in charge of things and making decisions. I feel like it’s one either micro or significant decision after the other. Not just for myself personally, for us, for my family, for different people that I feel responsible for. And so at the end of the day, I definitely love the idea of being dominated. I don’t know about you. Have we talked about dominance and submission publicly? I’m not sure if we have. It’s not something that I ever fantasized about. I don’t know, it’s just not where my mind goes. Being submissive. You mean being either one? I know that the dominant theme comes up when you talk about having threesome or group sex or anything like that, but I think because I’m not consciously thinking about all this is one of the things that I’m looking for that makes me feel great. But I don’t ever think about a situation where I’m being super dominant. It’s more about pleasure aspect. But I really do like the idea of going through all of these processes because I feel like each one of these if I understand why it’s easier to start that conversation about what your fantasies are. It’s like I want to feel this way in this relationship and this is why I’m fantasizing. But what I’m fantasizing and then that way. You could maybe take that role on and fulfill that fantasy for me.
Well, it’s interesting that you say you don’t fantasize about being dominant, but do you feel you’re dominant? I feel like you always are. Not outside the bedroom. Hold on. Which one are we talking about right now? Being dominant in bed? Yeah, I feel like I am dominant in bed. But you don’t classify it as a fantasy. That’s interesting. No, I think because I’m just being kind of quote unquote myself. I don’t visualize myself as being the dominant person in sex. So we’re just working this out here. Yeah, clearly. It’s like I’m talking myself through this. No, me, too. I think it’s interesting, though, that not that I think I’m dominant outside of the bedroom, but I do think there’s a bit of a role reversal with us in bed. Yeah, I would agree. That allows us to escape. And it’s maybe not as obvious. Is it obvious to you? No, it’s not, actually, now that we’re talking about it. Yes, it is. But if you hadn’t brought it up no, I wouldn’t think about it that way. We should really talk. Yeah, we should. Okay. What about sex with a much older partner? Do you fantasize about that? No, I don’t. But I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it like I have. Like when you were young, you mean? Yeah, even more recently. Like even five years ago. Like within the last five years. I’ve definitely thought about that. What triggered that? I think it was a trip that we had to desire where somebody was just exuded confidence. And I really remember that as being something where it resonated with me. I was like this woman, she’s, like, super confident. She owns everything, and I found it very attractive. And you associated that with her age or she just happened to be older. She happened to be older, yeah. I mean, again, we’re talking through and working through this right now, but I would say that was probably a trigger. That was something that kind of inspired that thought process, that fantasy. It’s interesting, I guess, just the exposure to all these options or scenarios or people can get us out of not just our comfort zone, but what’s been prescribed to us. Because if you just watch, say, for example, one type of porn, or if you just look at messages in mainstream popular culture, those themes don’t always come out. Yes. There’s, like, the Mrs. Robinson thing and the song Jesse’s Mom now who’s dating themselves. Yeah. Really? I don’t fantasize about someone older. I’ve never really thought about age. I mean, I fantasize about a much older person all the time. That’s you because you’re, like, 700 days old. But 41% of people have fantasized about having sex with someone much older. And I think it’s interesting because I think in many ways, this fantasy sort of defies cultural norms that tie beauty and sexual prowess to youth. And I think the desire to have sex with an older partner is it’s really interesting, like, that desire to perhaps be taught or led or guided. And we know that that genre of porn, like, it’s called MILF porn, which doesn’t always make sense, but it is what it’s called is a really popular, sometimes the most popular category, and it’s not necessarily about a mother figure, but even though it’s called milk porn, is really about that capacity that someone can show you something, perhaps, that you never could have imagined. And we live in a world where senior sex is, so I think it’s really rendered invisible or it’s mocked in Western culture. But sexual desire for an experienced partner seems to be strong. 41%.
Here’s an interesting one. Those who have fantasized about a partner who is much younger than themselves but legal, like, still legal. For women, it was 18%. For men, it was 57%. Do you ever think about age? No. Do you think it’s because you’re, like, kind of in the middle? Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t talk about that. But I don’t know. It’s not like you’re at an age sorry, I want you to talk yourself out of this. Please continue. I’m at an age you’re at an age where you could date someone quite a bit younger, or you could date someone quite a bit older, and it wouldn’t maybe feel like you’re kind of in that mid range. Okay. Am I calling you middle age? I think you are. I don’t even know how you define middle age. Shall we look that up? No, I’d rather just stay oblivious. Or would you like to debate what generation you are? Brenda and I have been talking a lot about what classifies as different generations. Sorry, what are you, a geriatric millennial? Change the subject. I’m a centenarian gen z. You’re the Gen Zen. What am I, gen X? No. Aren’t you Jack? What am I, a boomer? Am I a boomer? No, you’re not a boomer. You’re like Gen Y millennial cusp because you came of age around the millennium. Like, you were 22. Right? I was born in the no, but you were 22. That’s sort of that coming of age. You know what? Somebody’s going to message me about this. Somebody tell us. Okay, so sex with a random person, which you and I have both spoken about, about 61% of us have fantasized about that. So that’s a very popular 156 percent have fantasized about having sex with a star or a well known person. Now, that doesn’t work for me. Now, I will say people can get me going. I would never okay, so when we watch Lawn Order with Ventricle, I know you’re talking about Mr. Brad. I’m like, how is this man so good looking? He is a good looking man. How is it his skin? I want to make a skin. Beautiful skin. Cut a lot of cuts today. He just has such beautiful features and sometimes he wears marina. Is marina a word for North Americans? It means tank top. Yeah. Tank top in law and order. Like the early ninety s. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. So I would never actually fantasize I thought you were going to say it was Lenny. I thought Lenny, lenny Brisco was your guy. I would never fantasize about having sex with Benjamin Brat because again, I need some realism. I’m very boring and lack creativity, but just seeing him gets me excited and primes me. I understand. Very handsome man, very handsome. But I wouldn’t fantasize about having sex with him per se. I could try. Okay, I’ll try. Okay, fine. Next time we’re having this dress,
hopefully everybody knows the Law and Order theme song. OK, this one is interesting. Wearing clothing associated with the opposite sex in an erotic sense. 6.9% of women fantasize about this and 10% of men. So I wouldn’t fantasize about like I wear all types of clothes. Like I wear your clothes, I wear my clothes. So I don’t see it in an erotic sense. But many people do associate items, clothing items, underwear, shoes with the erotic, and I think that’s really cool. So I love these studies because it shows that 6.9% to 10% doesn’t sound that high. But when we’re talking about 7 billion people with fantasies, were you saying that the opposite gender’s clothing or is it with the wearing of this specifically is about the wearing of oh, because I was going to say shoes, for sure. I love you and a nice pair of shoes, but the idea of me wearing them, that is not going to okay. You would not last a second in my shoes. No, I would not. I would fall and I’d fall down and I’d be singing the Law and Order song. Hang on, I’m starting to fall down in high heels now because we just haven’t worn heels as much over the last little while. I had to wear heels yesterday on set and I was like, oh, I better feel really careful walking in these. I’m out of practice. I got to get back to it. Or maybe I don’t. It’s not good for your back, not good for your toes. Okay, so this is an important piece. 30% of us, all genders, have fantasized about forced sex. And I actually think this number would be higher if it weren’t for the self censorship of thought. Another study actually found that the number is higher for women closer to 50%. Kind of thinking about being forced into sex. And I think we often stymie our sexual thoughts because our fantasies kind of conflict with our real life values and expectations. So obviously nobody wants to be forced or raped in real life, but it’s a common sexual fantasy. I’m not telling you anything new because we derive pleasure from the feelings of how whatever you. Associate with being forced, whether it’s submission or victimization, aggression, desire. And this has been talked about many times before by many people, that rape fantasies aren’t an indication of a mental health issue or real life desires. The mind is simply a safe space from which to explore our edgiest thoughts. And the majority of us are very capable of differentiating between thoughts, which are fantasy, and reality, which we would actually enact in behaviors. And we are able to differentiate between these two. This is why we watch fantasy movies, but we don’t expect to be able to do or live those things in real life. And this is why we can fantasize and become aroused by a thought but not seek out fulfillment of a sex act that causes harm to ourselves or others. So yeah, those are some of the top fantasies and I think it can be really awkward to share fantasies, right, to talk about them. That’s why I use the drawing method in my classes. Or you could just use this podcast. Absolutely. Let’s do it together and laugh at my lawn order fantasy. Right? Laugh at, not laugh with. I think in the end we’re just all really afraid of being judged and rejected. And I think the drive to avoid rejection is really ingrained in our survival instincts. And those feelings of rejection are really, really tough. So I think so many of us don’t tell our partners or anybody about our fantasies. So I think it’s important that we kind of start talking about them. We talk to each other about clearly not every yes, but when we’re in bed we tend to talk about fantasies. Less so at the kitchen table sort of thing, but more we weave out fantasies. I know what some of your fantasies are and I know how to kind of evoke the feelings. And I guess that kind of takes me to how I would begin a discussion around fantasies. I would really start with the feelings like how is it that you want to feel in your fantasies? Not so much who is it with? What are you doing? Unless you’re comfortable starting there, then by all means. But if you’re a little nervous, it’s really like what are you looking to feel? What helps to get you in the mood? What experiences do you associate with pleasure? What peak erotic memories do you share perhaps with a partner or partners? What scenarios get you going? Because if you look at some of the research, there’s too much to kind of cover all of it. But they begin with the fact that 90% of people fantasize with romantic feelings in their sexual relationships somewhere around I’m kind of aggregating the numbers because they separated it by genders here. But somewhere around 84% have fantasized about oral.
The vast majority as well have fantasized about sex in an unusual place. The vast majority say that atmosphere and location are important in sexual fantasies. So talking more about the scenario without giving away every single detail if you’re not comfortable and then getting into your why, right? Why is it important, why is it exciting? What motivates you to have sex? What motivates you in this fantasy? What meanings do you attach to it? So I think that’s kind of a good place to start. Obviously. Yeah, you can share this podcast. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I think that all the media we consume creates great opportunity for just starting conversations. So whether you’re watching a show on a streaming service or you’re reading a book or you’re reading an article, I think it’s a good opportunity to just talk about characters, talk about interactions, talk about the scenes and kind of how they make you feel. I think it can also really be helpful to just talk about your dreams more generally, not just the sexual ones, but if you talk about all your dreams, then when you bring up your sex dreams, it can feel a little bit weird. And I think sex dreams, usually, I don’t know about your experience, but the things I dream about sexually, 80% of them aren’t even arousing, but they’re just somewhere in my head mixing up. I’ve had some weird ones recently. Tell me where. No, I’m not going to tell you. I am not going to tell you. We turn this off. I’ve had some gory ones. Yeah, I mean, I’ve had gory ones, but I’m more concerned about people judging me based on what I dress. Well, but that’s the thing. We dream about all these different things that are mixed together, but if you can start just kind of talking about them, you’re likely to dream about sexual encounters that might appeal to you in some small way. Right. And I think it can be good for conversations. And then, really, when you have these conversations, I think it’s about digging deeper than yes and no. So if I share a fantasy with you, hopefully your responses tell me more. Right? That curiosity. You’re so good at remaining curious. I’m not. I’m like, okay, what’s the solution? You’re like, no tati. No tati. But yeah, I love that. Tell me more. Or even, like, thanking me for being open to sharing or letting some of that tension out by saying, I’m glad. I’m glad you told me that, even if it makes you uncomfortable, even if it’s not something you’re into, to be able to say, like, that’s a lot. But I’m glad you told me that. I think that’s a nice kind of way to react. But then also, as you said, getting curious about why, what is it that appeals to you? Not why does that appeal to you in a judgy way. But yeah, tell me more about what appeals to you, and then if it doesn’t appeal to me, if you’re a hard yes and I’m a hard no, I’d like to also dig into my note and say, okay, so let’s go to threesomes, because that’s the most common one that we keep hearing about. So a threesome really kind of scares me. It feels like it threatens kind of the foundation of our relationship or as reason makes me feel like maybe I’m not enough and that’s hard for me to swallow. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It doesn’t mean you have to fix things. It doesn’t mean you have to get rid of that fantasy. It doesn’t mean that I get to delineate all the boundaries in this relationship, but that’s just how I’m feeling in this moment. And I might feel differently in a day, in a week, in a year. And I’m open to this conversation and I think admitting when you don’t feel uncomfortable. So if you say I have a hot fantasy of a threesome and I’m like, oh, that feels like really rough for me, for me to say I’m really uncomfortable with that, but I want to keep the conversation going as opposed to just shutting you down with kind of no way, no how, end of conversation. So I think getting into my no. So the why of your yes, but also the why of my no is really important. So I might say, I’m afraid that you don’t even want me there, you just want to have sex with someone else. Or I’m afraid that you’re going to like having sex with someone else more. And again, go deeper than that. Okay, so what would happen if you liked having sex more with someone else? How would that actually affect, I don’t know, our love for each other, our commitment to one another, our lives together, everything we’ve built? Would it shake its foundation? Should I get more comfortable with that? Or is it something that just feels way too threatening to me? And also, if you’re hearing the why of my no, it might change the way you feel about pursuing something. Now, I should quickly add, and I should have said this from the get go, but if you listen to the podcast, you know, I say this all the time, that just because you fantasize about something doesn’t mean you want to do it. Actually, just because you fantasize, sometimes you don’t want it to happen.
Right. When you think about that threesome scenario that you just mentioned, there is a lot that goes into the before, the during and the after of that third person in the threesome. I mean, I’ve heard you talk about it. I’ve heard Luna talk about it, where it’s like, keep in mind that that’s somebody else who has needs, that has desires, that has feelings. Right? So sometimes the fantasy for me is where I wanted to stop because talking about it might get me really aroused. But in real life, there’s just too many moving parts. Toes and toes. Of course. No, I’m glad you brought that up because if we are talking about threesomes. We do have to talk about couples privilege and unicorn hunting and this idea that we have to prioritize our relationship and just focus on each other and we’re the priorities. Why is that third party not a priority? Right? Why is that other human being not also a priority? And why are we seeing a third person with whom we want to connect in a very intimate way, at least physically, intimately? Why are they seen as an automatic threat to the relationship? Right? Like, what else do we need to explore there? So I think just starting to talk about your fantasies. Whether it’s the age of people having sex with someone older. Or having sex in a different place. Or doing something a little kinky. Or doing something a little rough. Or talking about multiple partners. Or going to a sex club or cacoding or watching your partner with someone else. Whatever it may be. Or spanking. Whatever your fantasies are. Hopefully they just lead to rich conversations. My experience is that they inevitably lead to better sex. Agreed. All right. Agreed. We’re going to stop there. You had your mouth open like you had some pearls of wisdom, but no, it was probably a verb. Thanks. Okay, I think I’m out of practice. Folks, thank you so much for listening, for tuning in, and big thanks to our sponsors, AdamandEve.com. Please check out AdamandEve.com. They have everything from latex ware to fun, kinky stuff, to all your vibrators and of course your butt plugs. Even some blow up furniture if you want to try new angles and doggy style. All that jazz. Adam and Eve.com code. Doctor Jessdr J-E-S-S will get you 50% off almost any single item, plus free shipping at Adam and Eve.com. All the goodies to get the fantasies rolling. That’s right. Thank you for chatting today. Thanks for putting me on the spot. I appreciate that. Thank you for listening. Wherever you’re at, have a great one. You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve roof Your Life.