September 29, 2022
Better in Bed: 15 Oral Sex Tips
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Boost your sexual confidence and pleasure with some very specific tips and techniques for hotter oral (clitoral edition). From the “cross-my-fingers” to the “pussy pocket,” Jess shares 15+ approaches to hotter sex in this quickie episode.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Better in Bed: 15 Oral Sex Tips
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey. Hey. I hope you are in a good mood already to be put in a good mood because I’m in a good mood right now, mostly because of the topic I’m going to be tackling today. This is better in bed. 15 oral tips and techniques for hotter pleasure, greater excitement, intense orgasms. All for the vulva and the clitoris. And we are just going to dive right in. I’ve got 15 tips for you today. I think some of them are practical, but many of us need the reminder and some of them are a little bit more technical. Some specific moves and techniques you can try if you want to pleasure yourself or pleasure a partner. I mean, you can’t do all of them on yourself unless you’re super flexible with your ribs and your ABS and your tongue, but I’m sure you can make do. So let’s get started. I’m going to run through these 15 tips. I think it’s a bit of a quickie episode today because I am heading out on the Desire Cruise to the Greek Islands and Turkey as well. And I will not have the WiFi on the ship that’s strong enough to actually upload a podcast. I’m doing it before I go on my own because Brandon apparently has his own job and I can’t afford them. So here we go with 15 oral tips and techniques for the clit and the vulva. So, number one, if you are going down on a partner, regardless of gender, this applies across the board. It doesn’t matter what your gender rules are, what your gender identity is, get yourself turned on, okay? So focus on your own pleasure while you go down on them. I think good lovers, generous lovers, sometimes hold themselves back by being too hung up on their partner’s reaction, by being too hung up on the technique, by being too into being good in bed. So kind of counterintuitive. But focus on yourself. So get yourself turned on. The more you enjoy yourself, the more your partner will enjoy the experience, the more you’ll follow the natural rhythm of their body, of their hips, rather than getting hung up on their specific response or a specific outcome or whether you can do a specific technique. So how do you do that? How do you get turned on? Maybe you fantasize, maybe you touch yourself. Maybe you rub yourself. Maybe you insert or wrap a toy, whatever, around your body. Make sure that you are aroused while you go down on them. And this is also going to help them, especially folks who have evolva have probably received negative messages about our genitals, right, growing up and into adulthood. It doesn’t taste good, it doesn’t smell good, it doesn’t look good. It doesn’t look like a Barbie, it doesn’t look like a porn star. And of course, it is not your job to undo all of the damaging effects of sociocultural conditioning. But if you show appreciation and admiration for their evolva, it can really help them to relax and be more present. So if you’re turned on, they’re going to pick up on it. If you compliment them and be specific and genuine, they’re going to relax. If you breathe, oh, my gosh. Just take a big deep breath in right now and out. I didn’t want to breathe too hard into the mic for you, but, yeah, if you just breathe and let your sounds flow, let your noises just emanate without inhibition, let your breath come out loud, let the slurps and the chomps or whatever it is you’re doing down there, let the sounds emanate totally freely, you’re going to get more turned on. They’re going to get more turned on. So that’s, number one, focus on your own pleasure. Number two, we switch over to them. Get to know their body. All right? Get to know the clitoris. Because so many people still believe that the clitoris is that little tiny peasized bump at the top of where the lips meet. And that’s not the clitoris. That’s only the head of the clitoris. The clitoris is a big, beautiful beast that is both internal and external. It gets erections. It fills with blood. It has the same parts as a penis, homologous parts. It has a head, it has a shaft, it has boreskin, it has corporate cavarnosa. Those are the sort of tubes that fill with blood. So it gets to rack. It’s got the corporate spongiosum, which is really that sensitive spongy tissue that, for example, in the penis culminates in the head there. So get to know the entire clitoris. So the little bump that you see at the top, in the middle, right where the lips meet, that’s the head of the clitoris. Over top of that head is a little foreskin or a hood. In behind, where you can’t see it, is the shaft or the rod of the clit that gets those nice boners. And then inside the body, where you’ll never be able to see them, are the legs and the bulbs of the clip. And in sort of simple terms, you can access the bigger bulbs and legs of the internal clit through the labia. And this is why for so many people, it feels so good to just rub and grind on the outside. It’s not necessarily about Shonda’s. Inside body is not an oven, okay? You don’t just turn those knobs up top and I’m talking about the boobs and then slide stuff in. You are going to want to play with the full outer parts because that’s how you’re going to get pressure against the entire clip. And yes, you can play against the head of the clit, but please don’t just ring it like it’s a doorbell or you’re calling the elevator or you’re pressing it in a DJ booth unless they say they’re into that. All right. Now, everything I’m saying is only in general terms. Of course, everybody is different. Every person is different. Your partner knows their body best. I don’t know their body. I don’t want to get to know their body. So there is no technique or piece of advice or tip that can compare to open communication. So obviously, you want to talk to your partner and elicit feedback. So get to know the clutoris. And generally you’re going to want to rub all around the vulva. So just a reminder, the vulva is everything on the outside. The vagina is what’s on the inside. And you can simply just rub those lips to get the internal erectile tissue of the clit to give it a boner. So that’s number two, really get to know the clitoris. And I should mention that I have an entire video course on oralpleasure for the [email protected]. So if you want to learn more with visual AIDS, you can check that out happiercouples.com. It’s called Mind Blowing Oralclatorial Edition, and you can save 25% off with code podcast. In those videos. I’ll show you the clitoris, show you a little model of the clitoris. You can really understand what I’m saying. All right? So number one, turn yourself on. Number two, know the clutoris. Number three, know that every person is different. Every vulva is different. So please do not do what worked for a previous partner and assume that it’s going to work for a current partner. Don’t make assumptions. Instead, ask for feedback. Follow their lead and their guidance. And I bring this up because I get so many questions from folks who say, oh, something’s wrong with my girlfriend or my wife or my partner. It worked for everyone else. I never had any complaints before. Listen, this isn’t about you. It’s not your deficit if they’re not having an orgasm. It’s not your deficit if they’re not enjoying themselves. But it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re broken either. They may just be different. And like I said, these are questions that come in all the time. So I’m not overstating this. So please just remember that every person is different. Number four, make noise. Your lover wants to know that you are enjoying yourself, so let those sounds flow. Breathe deeply. Moan if you like it. Allow your sounds of enthusiasm and pleasure to just vibrate across their body. I notice that people hold their breath, that they stifled their sounds when they’re nervous, when they’re excited, when they’re focused on technique. And as soon as you get really into it, and this goes back to number one, as soon as you’re really turned on, you let it go. And I say that I notice because I’m in the fortunate and I think exceptional position where I actually do go places where I see people having sex, right? So heading out on the cruise, I go down to the resorts and people have sex all around. And I’m not taking notes or anything, but there is this tension that exists in the beginning when people are nervous and they’re holding back their sounds. And then once they get into it, they start to let those sounds flow really freely. So go ahead and make noise. And again, all of these actually apply regardless of gender. I mean, we’re going to get in some techniques that are specific to genitals, but making noise goes all around. And if you’re receiving oral, regardless of gender, please make noise. Your partner wants to know that you’re liking it, that you’re enjoying it, that you’re into it. You don’t have to exaggerate, you don’t have to sound like a porn star, but breathe a little bit more deeply. Just try five deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth and see if that shifts how you’re feeling in your body and your willingness to kind of just let your guard down. Number six. I mentioned the clitoris and people get quite hung up on the clotoris. But of course, there are other really hot body parts. So if you are going down on your partner, first of all, consider exploring other parts of the body first. Or reach down with your hands and kind of trace them against their thighs. Or reach up and rub your hands down the sides of their chest and pay attention. In French aflante, it means fork. So the fork in the road where the lips meet at the bottom can be very, very sensitive to the very, very bottom center of the labia. Play down there and use your hands and your fingers simultaneously while you use your mouth, your lips, your tongue. You can take your fingers and kind of draw a gentle figure aid over the outside of the vulva, getting the head of the clip at the top, working your way around the lips and then culminating at the bottom with a little extra love to La Fochette. You can draw a nice heart around the outside with your thumbs and you can do a little shimmy over foxt at the bottom. You can use any of your body parts to play down there, but do pay attention to the bottom part. You don’t get only hung up on the clip at the top. Number seven. And here we start to get into some techniques. As you roll them up, you don’t want to go straight for the goods. Instead, you’re going to genuinely want to build slowly and centrally and erotically. And a great way to do this is with breath kisses. So breath kisses are taken from the kamasutra and all you’re going to do is breathe kisses over all of their sensitive spots. So their neck, your spine, their inner arms, their hips, their thighs, their pubic mound. And when you breathe these kiss, you are simply kisses. You are simply hovering your lips as close to the surface of their skin as possible, but without letting them touch. So they’re going to get the warmth, the moisture, the closeness, the intensity, the intimacy of your lips, but without physical contact to begin with. And if your partner says, no, I don’t like it gentle, I don’t like it slow, I’m too ticklish, that’s fine. Of course. Heed what they’re saying and consider physical grounding. So when something feels ticklish or too gentle, it can be uncomfortable. It can make us feel like we’re floating. It can make us feel unsafe. So if you take another body part, like your hand, and ground them so that there’s some firm touch, for example, against one thigh while you breathe breath kisses over the other thigh, it can create that grounding sensation that applies anytime you’re doing something gently. So start with breath kisses. Take your time. Explore the whole body. I’ve talked about it before that if you want to have full body pleasure, if you awaken the nerve endings across the body, if you draw circulation across the body, and not just to the genitals, eventually when they have an orgasm, they’re going to feel it in all those spots that you touched or stimulated or breathed upon earlier. That was number seven. Okay? So number eight, we’re going to move on to the pussy pocket. So I love, love, love this technique. I think it’s a great starter technique to rile them up. I also think it’s a great finishing technique to get them right off. For this one, you’re going to place the palm of your hand on their pubic mound. So that’s the venous mound. It’s that flush of skin above the vulva where the hair grows. And then you’re going to fold all five fingers over the lips, over the vulva, and you’re going to just kind of create some tension there. So what you’ve done is you’ve kind of created a nice pocket around the vulva. You can try this on your knee right now, right, super simple. Your palm goes on the top of your knee and your fingers fold over to the lower part of the knee. And you’re going to rub there or press, or just kind of gently create a little bit of friction there. You can slowly increase the pace and the pressure. You can follow the rhythm of their hips. If they’re relaxing, their hips will start moving. And then this is, I guess, number nine with the pocket, you can move into the pulse, where you gently create a pulse, a press and release sensation. You can also do this upside down. So if you find yourself already down between their legs, you can put the palm of your hand against their vulva and then your fingers over the pubic mound. So there’s no singular way to do this. It’s just an idea to help you create that warmth and put pressure all around the vulva. So you’re kind of stimulating the full clitoral complex, both what you can feel on the outside and what you can feel on the inside or what they can experience on the inside through the labia. You’re going to pulse there. As they get more riled up, you might start breathing all around their vulva. You might try the circle, the clip move. So that’s simply taking your tongue and teasing it around the edge of the head of their clip at the top, just kind of teasing in a circle or an oval. You can also do that with your finger and some lube. Anything you can do with your tongue, you can do with your finger and lube as well. And then you can alternate so that’s the circle, the clit and then you can try the flat tongue. So you circle around a couple of times. Then you stick your tongue out and wide and you press it all along the length of the lips. So you’re just kind of pressing a flat tongue along the outside. And then you might shift your head from side to side like you’re saying no or up and down like you’re saying yes. With that firm flat tongue to build pressure. And then if you want to release some of that pressure or you want to play with some penetration, you can try the tongue tube where you roll your tongue into a tube and you either slide it over the head of the clit or you slide it right inside of them if they want. A little bit more firmness, a little bit more girth, a little bit more pressure. You can try the Cross my Fingers, where you simply take two fingers like you’re telling a lie and you’re crossing them, right, and you gently insert them into the vagina and you rotate gently from the wrist so you’re not scooping around, you’re not actually moving your fingers. All the movement comes from the wrist. So again, two fingers crossed. I actually like to use three as well for a little bit of grip there. You slide inside and you gently rotate and all the while you’re making noise, you’re breathing, you’re enjoying yourself, you’re admiring their body, you’re taking them in. Maybe you’re looking them up, looking up into their eyes. If their eyes are open or if they have trouble relaxing or you feel self conscious because you know you’re trying something new, you can always blindfold them so that they can really tune into the sensations. And it also reduces, I think, any pressure on you to look a certain way or perform in a certain way, knowing that they’re not watching, moving on, you can try the nose job. So in the beginning, I always recommend you go really slowly, really gently, like the pressure is a barely there feather light touch. Especially when you first start the pocket. Maybe when you do the circle, the clip, maybe you try the W with your hands in a flat w and you slide up and down the vulva in that W shape, barely touching, with lots of lube. As you can probably tell, a visual aid would be nice. So if you are again interested in the courses, Happyercouples.com, there’s a full course. And you can save with code podcast if you want to see the videos as well. Okay, so you’re going really slowly in the beginning. Maybe you’re using the w or the pussy pocket or you’re pulsing or you’re circling around the clit. And then as they get more and more aroused, they’re going to need something to grind against. And ultimately that something is your face. And so that’s when you’re going to try the nose job. You’re going to get your nose in there and you’re not going to be afraid because vaginas don’t bite. 92% of vaginas have no teeth. You don’t have to worry about that. And as you kind of pull them into you, you can slide your nose right inside of them. You can nod up and down because if you touch the tip of your nose, it has a really kind of nice texture. So you can press your nose around the head of the clit, against the clit, all the way down. You can slide it into the vagina, just into the very shallow entrance right there. You can nod your head from side to side. No, just like you did with the flat tongue. You can roll your head around in circles so that you really get the pressure of your nose against the vulva there. And breathe deeply, make sounds. If it’s a little bit slurpy, that’s okay. You can start sucking just right there. You can open your mouth wide and suck slowly and centrally and then build. As the pressure builds, you can increase the intensity, increase the speed, increase the suction, but get your nose in there, get your chin in there, get your cheeks in there, roll all around and get your face wet. All right? That rubbing and grinding allows them to rub the entire external and internal components of the clitoris against you. And for many folks, this is how they get off with that rubbing and grinding and pressure and then moving on to our last few. If you want to kind of increase the intensity in a way that is more likely to lead to orgasm for many people, you’re going to let your mouth vibrate, all right? So you’re going to talk with your mouthful. You’re going to tell them they taste so good that you want more of it, that you can’t wait to taste them, that they’re delicious. Anything you can say they’re going to get those vibrations from your voice box. Or of course, use a toy while you’re down there, all right? Press a flat vibrating toy or a small little bullet vibe against their head of their clip while you’re working down below. Or you can go down on them and actually press a toy against your cheek so that they get those corollary rumbling vibrations via your lips and tongue, you’re going to want to put all these things together. And then finally as the arousal builds and you can feel them getting closer and closer, going to suggest that you slide your hands under their butt, pull them into your face and eat and slur and suck and lick kind of I call it the Hungry Hungry Hippo, where it’s just the animalistic tasting and enjoyment and connection and intimacy. And there’s something really fun about going down on someone because there’s power in going down, right? You’ve got them in your mouth, your teeth are there. There’s this threat. Not that you’re necessarily playing with it, but for those who are into it, it’s there. And at the same time there’s a form of subjugation because you’re at their service, you’re at their feet or down below. So there’s so much to play with. I guess that would be the bonus tip, which is to talk about how they feel about that power play, right? Do they want to feel like they’re in charge? Do they want to put their hands on your head and show you how to go? Or do they just want to sit back and take it with you in charge, maybe taking over control may be playing with whether or not you’re going to give them an orgasm. Maybe playing with any sort of physical intensity, whether it’s spanking or flicking or clamping or all the other kinky things you can potentially be into. So I think this is a good place to start and stop. You go start, I’m going to stop. Hopefully you’re going to try one of these techniques or something new or one of these approaches. Whether it’s the pocket or the breath kisses or the cross, my finger or the nose job or the circle, the clit or the flat tongue, none of them, none of them is a surefire move that’s going to lead to orgasm. I’m sorry. None of these techniques are universally desirable. So what they are are ideas to get you started so that you try something new. Hopefully ideas to get you started so that you have new conversations with a partner where you can talk about do you like this or do you like that? Do you like it slow? Do you like it fast? Do you want more? Do you want less? And just remembering that when you do communicate with someone, especially if you’re talking about sex during sex, most people are not looking to have a fiveparagraph conversation. If you say to me, what do you like? It’s very hard to put that in words. And in fact, for many people, they find that type of open ended question intimidating. Not everybody, but some people. So if you can ask those yes, no more or less here, there alternative questions, multiple choice. They’re probably going to be more responsive and you’re going to get more out of their response. So as you’re finishing them off, follow the rhythm of their hips that’s going to indicate the speed and pressure that they desire. Keep making noise, keep breathing heavily, keep enjoying yourself. And don’t worry about the specific outcome. Just enjoy the experience and the process and the discovery, because there’s so much to discover. These are just a small handful of techniques. And once again, if you want to learn more and if you’re interested in the visual AIDS, because we have a model who demonstrates on a Piece of Fruit Happiercoples.com, Mind Blowing Oral Clutorial Edition Code Podcast to Save 25% thank you for joining me today. Hopefully you’re going to go give some of these a try, or if not give them a try, at least start a conversation, because that’s what I feel my job is ultimately, is starting conversations that are ongoing and meaningful, sometimes uncomfortable, but hopefully fruitful in some way that kind of stands out. Hope you are having an even better one after going through these 15 oral tips and techniques. Wherever you’re at, have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.