April 9, 2022
Sissification, Fetishes & Chastity Play
- What is the appeal of sissification?
- How do you introduce kinky play to a partner?
- What are the 7 types of sissification?
- How can consensual humiliation become erotic?
Sexologist & psychotherapist Carlos Cavazos (pronounced Kuh-Voss-oh’s) joins us to share his experience and perspective on kinks, fetishes, gender-bending, and much more! Check out Carlos’ The Naughtylicious Sex Podcast, and learn more about his practice at Counseling By Carlos. And don’t forget to give Carlos a follow on his Twitter account!
Thank you to our sponsors AdamAndEve.com. — use code DRJESS to save 50% off almost any item + get FREE gifts & shipping.
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Sissification, Fetishes & Chastity Play
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your cohost, Brandon. We are here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, are you ready to talk fetishes? I am. Do you know anything about specification? I absolutely do not. Or chastity kinks. I could infer as to what chastity kinks might be, but I’d love to learn from somebody who knows a whole lot more than I do. We’re going to be doing just that. We’re going to be talking about even understanding our kinks. Like, why are we into what we’re into? I’m hoping we’re going to delve into kink and fetish play as potential avenues for healing, for working through restrictive trauma, that relates to sex, that relates to eroticism, that relates to our identity, especially to our gender, especially when we think about things like specification. And we’re going to be talking with a fabulous personality in just a moment. Before we get to them, a big thank you to Adam and Eve.com for their continued support of this program. Code Doctor Jess at Adam and Eve.com gets you 50% off almost any single item, plus free shipping. And I think they’re throwing in something like ten free gifts. Some of them are little gifts. Yeah. That they wrap up and some videos, all that jazz. Adam and Eve.com code, Dr. Jazz. All right. Are you ready to get into it? Let’s do it. All right. Joining us now is sexologist Psychotherapist, host of the Naughtylicious Sex podcast, Carlos Cavassos. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, thanks for having me back. Now, last I saw you, we were in Austin.
That feels like a gazillion years ago. Yeah. Your YouTube channel, as Carlos has taken off. I saw you hit the million Mark just the other day. Yeah, it was doing really good. It was doing so well. And then it was recently removed. And then it was recently removed for sexually gratifying content. Yeah, exactly. Which is so crazy to think that when I met you here in Austin, the channel had just kind of started, and then it just kind of started blowing up. And right before I got removed, it was getting constantly, like, lots of views, lots of subscribers. So it’s kind of crazy that I just suddenly got an email saying as Carlos, your channel has been removed from YouTube for sexually gratifying content. And I’m like how everything I do is very educational and informative and comedic. There’s nothing that would be sexually gratifying, but I think problem lies in the bias of whoever is watching the content. Right. So, like, I was explaining to someone, a video of someone painting their nails might be like, okay, it’s just a video of someone painting their nails. But to someone who’s into feet, that would be like, very sexually gratifying. So I was kind of like at the mercy of whoever decided to watch that video or whatever videos were flagged or anything, because there’s no nudity. There’s really not much on there except just talking about things that maybe people find offensive or disturbing, or maybe they’re disturbed because they’re turned on by it and decide, like, you know what? This shouldn’t be on YouTube because it’s making me horny right now. Absolutely. I mean, I think about that word, gratifying. What do you want on YouTube? Sexually off putting content. Sexually stressful content. Like, it’s so sad. Even if it had said sexually explicit. Of course, I don’t believe we should be censoring everything explicit. But gratifying, that just seems like such a beautiful word. I want my food to be gratifying. I want my connections to be gratifying. I want my work to be gratifying. Of course I want my sex to be gratifying. Very gratifying. This is so sad.
Well, I hope you get back online. I know you have a big following with the Naughtylicious Sex podcast, so folks can definitely listen there, but are you fighting to get back on? I am. It was kind of funny because it happened maybe like two weeks before I was supposed to go on a week long vacation to Mexico. And in the online world, a week is like a month. The minute I found that out, I was like, I had just been working on starting that podcast. And yeah, I feel like the minute I went into fight or flight mode and I do everything myself, so I edited a whole show, I did all the artwork, I did everything, and I put it out, like within a week of being removed from YouTube, I was on everywhere with the Naughtylicious Podcast and I actually titled the episode that you can’t keep a real bitch down, right? Because if someone tries to knock you down, you just got to keep going, even if it’s too gratifying. Which is crazy, because that week I was like super depressed and so depressed that I finally watched for you, which everyone was telling me like, oh, you need to watch it, you need to watch it. But the work that I do a lot of times is very intense and that show always looked a little too Moby for me, but I was finally in the right headspace or the wrong headspace, whichever way you want to look at it, to actually watch it. And it was just so shocking that it’s so hyper sexual. And then it just got me thinking about how the culture, everything’s just so sexualized and so over the top and you can watch all these things for entertainment, but then when you’re trying to learn about how to do it safely, you get removed from YouTube. So it’s insanity. That absolutely is something to think about. The gratuitous sexuality and nudity and sexualization of teenagers who are 15, 1617. Yes, I acknowledge that they are actors who are, I don’t know, 19, 2021 or however old. They are, I don’t know, 30. Yeah. Remember the old 921 with Steve? What was his name? Ian Zerring. That guy must have been 46 when he was playing a high school character. Him and Andrea. Him and Andrea. Yeah. Do you remember Andrea? The gymnast ones. So, folks, if you haven’t watched Euphoria on HBO, it’s a story of addiction. It’s a story of coming of age. It’s a story that is just peppered with sexual scenes anchored by sexual scenes and really hyper sexualizing, I think especially a female body mostly, thankfully, a lot of penis, but not as much. Not erect penises, right? No, unfortunately, none of that. Well, isn’t it interesting, though, that there are all these pity shots, like close ups of these all different types of boobs, and those nipples are a wreck, but they show the penises in a very different way. And so you’re right, we can watch that for entertainment. We can opt in and out of that. But the educational side gets censored. Actually, a few months ago, my podcast was also taken down and I had to go fight with Apple. And I think it was down for about a week or so before we got it back up. I didn’t even stress. I was like, listen, if this is the end, this is the end. I’m not going to right. You got to roll with it. Right? I’m too old and tired to be fighting with all these people all the time. But I’m really thrilled that you are entering the podcast space. I’m thrilled that you’re here with us today to talk about some topics that we haven’t really talked about before. So we’re going to talk about Chastity Play and Chastity Fetishes as well as Sisification. So hot right now.
I said to you earlier, what’s hot right now in the fetish world? Now you talk about Kinks. And this morning I was on a call with a women’s underwear retailers. So they carry over something like 1400 different pairs of unique underwear. So couture brands from Italy and France and all over the world, I think they might be the biggest underwear retailer site. So it’s adoreys.com adorees. And they shared that a significant proportion of their clients are straight men who enjoy wearing women’s underwear for the sensation, for the subversion, for the beauty, and that they don’t necessarily want to bend gender in other realms. Like they might be wearing their suit to the office, but wearing women’s underwear underneath. They might be at the gym pumping iron, but be wearing a thong underneath. Now, first, I want to acknowledge that, of course, gender is not binary and so underwear is not for women or for men. But the fashion world and most of us, let’s be honest, still tend to divide it along those lines. So is this something you’ve run into in your practice where people don’t have an interest in bending gender in other realms but do love the underwear piece. Yes. So with specification, like I was telling you earlier, it’s a huge chunk of my current work. I always did like sex coaching and just couples counseling and stuff like that. But with YouTube, I had started doing videos on certification and like cross dressing and stuff like that. So I’ve been doing a lot of work with individuals and couples who are either just starting out with specification and just trying to figure out how that’s going to work in their relationship dynamic or fighting through the shame that comes with a kink like specification and forced feminization, which we will definitely talk about. But I’ve noticed that there’s just so many different reasons of why people get into it that I even identified seven types of disease. Okay. Can you back up for us?
What is specification to begin with? So specification and force feminization is essentially a type of role play King where the person who is usually assigned male at birth, there are all genders in it, but it usually refers to that. And they are either coerced or forced or seduced into being more feminine or being in feminine clothing or doing things like commonly associated with femininity and kind of giving that manhood away to their partner. And when you say coerced or forced it’s with consent. So you’re playing exactly. Always role players. Yeah. You’re playing a scene where you’re pretending to be forced into something. Exactly. So this could be someone who maybe has always thought they looked through those websites through the adorea, Andrew, and they’re like, oh, that looks so great. I want to try it on. But they’re not capable to do it for whatever mental roadblocks that they have. And it’s easier for them to be like, you know, what if my partner forces me into wearing these panties, that kind of takes the pressure off me and I can just be like, okay, well, you know what? They’re making me do it and just enjoy it. Interesting. Okay. And so what are some of the popular activities so you mentioned that could be wearing underwear. And I want to actually take it back to of course, some of the folks who are purchasing underwear and wearing it under their clothes don’t want to necessarily get into society. They may just like the underwear for the sake of the underwear, which I think is so beautiful to me. It’s so powerful, so sensual. When I think about like, it looks good.
Yes. I think about Brandon in his suit where he looks smoking hot. I mean, I haven’t seen him in a suit in a long time because he’s always insured in a T shirt working from home. But I think about him in his suit, which he used to wear almost every day. And there being something really surprising under there, like a pink song or something Lacy. I actually think I never really thought about it until this morning. But I’m like, that’s really hot yeah. So I would kind of categor in the seven sissies that I identified. One of them is the bedroom Cissy. Okay. And that is more of the person who the lingerie just makes them feel sexy. So they may not necessarily like the humiliation aspects of it or the other sort of like chastity training or anal training or any of that other stuff. But just putting on that Penny or putting on that Garter belt or putting on that lipstick just makes them feel so sexy. And they love that. And it’s really popular right now. You’re like on Twitter, you almost see it, like, all the time now. People in, like, Lacy underwear or, like, Garter bells and stuff like that. And now there are companies that do it with the intention of sissies where the underwear is. It has a pouch, like a little Sissy pouch, but they call it useless clitdy at that point. Okay, so we have seven types of specification that you’ve identified. So the first is the bedroom, which might just be about wearing the lingerie and feeling that in their body. What are the other six? So the other would be the subservient tissue, which that one is more of. They may not necessarily be into it themselves, but maybe they have their partner who likes dressing them up. I have had a lot of women who just love dressing their husband’s up and their lipsticks and their panties, and they’re more of like an aiming to please their partner. So they go along with the certification journey because it’s something that turns their partner on and that handing over their manhood is seen as, like, the ultimate way of surrendering their power to their dominance. And then there’s also the humiliation safety, which that one is all about. Looking a hot mess. Put them in a cheap party city wig, smear that lipstick all over them and tell them that they look dumb. Make them stuck on a dildo while you’re making fun of them and inviting your friends over to laugh. So there’s that one. And then the helpless Sissy is more of, like a damsel in distress in a slutty little dress. I like to say where they like to act like we’re like, oh, no, I’m just such a dumb little girl. Like, oh, what am I going to do with this penis? And then the person will show them or walk them through like, oh, this is tactic. Or this is how you take this peg. And then the charm school Sissy, which is like, my favorite, is just, like, hyper feminine. They, like doing tea parties. And just like, you will see they love ruffles. So if you’ve ever seen people in fetish videos where they almost kind of look like a little doll with those roughly pink dresses and, like, the curly hair, that would be more of a charm school Cissy. And then the super popular Sissy maid, I never knew how popular it was until I got involved in this type of work. But there’s just something about the made outfit and serving their partner’s friends. It’s just a huge turn on for a lot of people in that King. And then the last one is the Sissy slut, which is like anything goes. I’ll take it all learning to siftygasm.
Okay. So these seven layers of specification, actually, I find it so fascinating, both personally and professionally. I love the escapism of some of these. I love the idea of gender is so prescriptive and I think so tough on men. Like when you think about heteroses men being told they have to be all of these things and then you get to dress up and host a tea party, it feels like. I know, right. Such an escape to me. And obviously that’s not me because I’m a woman. But I think about all the role play that is appealing to me is really about escapism. It’s about escaping from the pressure and the expectations and even some like for me, some of the perfectionism. So, Brandon, I’m curious what your reaction is to these types of assistance or if anything appeals to you or if you’re uncomfortable with it or if you’re off put. What are you thinking? Yeah, I think initially I’m not off put by it, but I think I’d just be uncomfortable with trying this out for the first time. I think I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m open to anything, but if it were to be introduced, I wouldn’t know where to begin. And yeah, I wouldn’t say I feel triggered by it, but I certainly feel uncomfortable with it. Anything that appeals to it appeals to you about it at all. I think the idea of being subservient to you is interesting. Maybe play with that a little bit and then perhaps seeing where that goes. Right. Using that as the entrance to this new idea and then playing with that. Yeah. And the thing I was going to mention is when you start, when you think of Sisification, it’s referred to a lot of Sissy training. Right. And that’s because there’s a whole system where you’re positively and negatively rewarded for doing something like putting on the panties or putting on the lipstick or whatever it is that your dominant want. There is a constant reinforcement of that behavior where you start feeling really good about doing it because it’s pleasing your partner and they’re giving you rewards, all the rewards. And these types of with any kind of kink. It’s kind of weird because rewards are sometimes punishments depending on the situation. Like punishment could be putting someone in a chastity cage. It could be a huge reward for someone. So you just got to make sure to talk with your partner and figure out what is a reward for them and what is a punishment for them. Yeah, that makes sense. What I really appreciate about this is that I always think that everything comes back to the feelings. Right. So it’s not about the underwear. It’s not about necessarily the way they look at you. It’s not necessarily about the physical act. It’s about how any of those things makes you feel. Right. Because every human experience is an emotional one.
And so, Brandon, I can kind of guess that specification isn’t immediately appealing to you, but you’re pulling the piece out around subservience. Right. And that is starting perhaps a new conversation for us because I definitely am more on the submissive side when it comes to sex, mostly because I feel so tired of being in control. It’s kind of like a classic pill as all this time where you’re just so busy running shit that at the end of the day you just want someone to run your shit for you. That’s exactly it. But I also love the power. I think back to the beginning of our relationship where definitely I was much more dominant. I was a different person then. I was a student. I was like bartending. And now I have a very different life, as you said, where there’s a lot of power in what I do, like standing on stage and holding a crowd, even just being asked to go somewhere. Like, I think about if a client is going to bring me all the way to Romania or all the way to the Philippines or wherever there’s some value in what I’m doing. There’s a lot of power in it. And then I think about my role in my family and the role among my friends and even the role in my community. I want no power. I want to let it go. As you said, tale is oldest time. Now you mention something else that’s really interesting and that’s chastity fetish play. So does this go for folks with penises and vulvas, or are you in specification? I guess it’s for the penis. Exactly. Right. I mean, it’s popular mostly with people with penises. I would say it’s very rare, but I think with most fetishes. Right. It’s very rare to have assist biological woman who’s really into fetishes, except the hyperspace Elia where they’re really into people who are committing crimes and stuff like that. But other than that, you don’t really see a lot of females being into it. Into fetishes. Really? I see it, yeah. I love it. Send them my way. I would love to talk about can we actually back up and talk about what is a fetish? Yes. So there’s a difference between a kink and a fetish.
So there’s a lot of women who do have kinks. Right. Which is just like there is something that you really enjoy that really turns you on that maybe most people wouldn’t think like, oh, yeah, that’s sexual or that sexy with a fetish, it’s more like it becomes more of something that you need to have in order to in the extreme cases, like to even get aroused. Like someone with a foot fetish, they will need a foot involved somewhere for them to actually get aroused. And someone with a foot cake, it’s like they would like it, but they don’t really need it, you know what I mean? So when it comes with fetishes, I think that’s probably where the studies talk about the women being not too into fetishes. I think it’s because they’re a lot more flexible with things. Yeah, that makes sense. Now, you’re an educator, obviously, on YouTube, but you’re also a psychotherapist. So how do you decide? Or how does a client or an individual decide when we could benefit from digging into our fantasies or kinks or fetishes and actually trying to understand them versus simply just accepting them and enjoying them? Because I often hear the big questions I get are, why am I into this? Why did I develop this desire? Why do I have this fetisher kink? And there’s so many theories as to the origins of fetishes. Right. Like early erotic associations or subversion of previous negative experiences. What do you come across in practice? When do we decide if we need to dig in and understand? And when do we decide if we’re like, no, man, I’m just going to enjoy the ride. Right? Well, as a psychotherapist, I talk to people when they’re not in a good place, right. So for the most part, they’re not coming where it’s like, oh, yeah, everything’s amazing. Let me talk to this therapist. So most of the times that I do start talking to people, there is some underlying issue that they’re trying to work through, and it’s usually like kink related. Right. And it’s usually shame related. A perfect example is the CIS male who was like, I really want to be feminized. I really want to put on a little dress and like a little diamond butt plug and feel sexy and get pegged or whatever. But I can’t do it, and I just can’t stop thinking about it. And I really want to do it, but I can’t do it. So it’s like working through that shame. They know that it’s there, and it’s been nagging them for a really long time, and they just can’t shake it out of their heads to where they’re thinking. I feel like I might want to engage in this in a healthy way just so I can stop the noise that’s in my head that’s telling me like, oh, you’re a sicko or how dare you want this? Or that’s twisted? Or it’s usually a lot of negative self talk that’s happening. And when we’re talking about this particular kink, where it’s for a CIS male. Right. Like being more feminine is usually seen as a negative thing. So to have society saying, you can’t, like pink or you can’t like sparkles or you can’t wear a dress or lace or whatever, and they want to do it, they’re like, why I want to do it, but the whole world is telling me that I’m sick for even wanting to do it. But there’s just something in me that really wants to just try it out. And it’s really just getting in touch with your feminine side. Right.
If it wasn’t for all those labels, people would have just been able to wear whatever they want and feel sexy without having to feel like, oh, my God, is there something wrong? Right. I guess it’s that sense of permission. Like, if you’ve given yourself permission and society has given you permission to explore, you probably don’t need to dig in. But when you’re burdened with that shame, it can be helpful to look at origins to overcome some of that shame. And that’s where a lot of the humiliation, too, kind of starts tying into it. So I have found that maybe they express an interest in things that were stereotypically associated with femininity, and then maybe they were shamed into it. It kind of reminds me there was this practice a long time ago. It was used as a form of punishment. It was called pedicoding, and it was basically like a form of punishment on boys. They would humiliate them by putting them in girls clothing. Right. And that was a form of punishment. And you kind of see things like that today, right? Like, oh, you’re crying like a girl and things like that. So maybe at some point they showed an interest in something more feminine and they got shamed or humiliated into it. And they work through that. Sometimes they just embrace it. Sometimes they work through it, sometimes with trauma, pain and fear. A lot of the times people work through it because instead of something that’s causing them pain, like humiliation, saying, like, oh, you look like a girl, and that was humiliating to them. If they erodedized that, it’s no longer painful. Now it’s exciting, now it’s enticing, now it’s erotic, and they can actually enjoy themselves and eroticizing that pain and they’re good. That’s such a beautiful transformation to take the trauma of gender prescriptions and play it out in something erotic, because I’m sure there are folks listening who are thinking like, this is so out there. Why would you be into specification? But I would be curious as to whether when we see specification as a potential mode of healing, I wonder if there’s any sort of increase given how strict our gender norms are and given how strong the consequences are for bending gender norms. Right. Even as you said, three years old, you reach for the wrong toy and someone makes fun of you. Right. And then six years old, you give someone a hug or seven years old, you cry because you fell and you’re shamed for those things. And I’m so curious if this could be a more popular mode of healing. So very interesting to me. Now, I had asked you about Chastity, and then I’m sorry, I took us off track so chastity, what does it involve? Chastity play? Chastity play is essentially putting on. Well, it usually involves putting on some sort of chastity device, whether that’s a cage, it could be anything that the person decides to use it. It could be mental. It’s essentially saying, I’m not going to be touching this penis until you give me permission to do it. So they lock themselves up in chastity, literally, like in a cage, and they give their key to the key holder, and then the key holder decides when they can be engaged, when they can finally masturbate, when they can finally orgasm with everything, with kinks and fetishes, everything is just so individual that for some people, again, with the whole being subservient, just handing over that my penis is yours now, you can decide when I use it or not. For other people, it’s more of that with the sicification at that point, their penis, especially with the humiliation aspect, their penis is no longer a penis because they’re a little Sissy. Now, it’s a useless cliti, so it should be locked up because there’s no need for it. It’s useless. Right? So if you want to find pleasure, you’re going to get pleasure from pleasing your dominance, or you’re going to get pleasure by learning how to orgasm Analy, like a little Sissy should and things like that.
So there’s a difference between doing it for the humiliation aspect, doing it to feel more in touch with your femininity, and then also doing it as a form of surrendering your power to your dominant or your key holder in that particular case. So many beautiful layers there, leading to a broadening of sexual Horizons when you think about anal training. Right. Perhaps being next on the list. Cysticasm, I would say that’s, like, the number one thing that people that reach out to me for coaching and for Sissy training want to know about is a cysticasm. How do I get the cycasm, which is essentially the hands free an orgasm. So a lot of the time I’ll kind of like, walk them through that or just give them my tips on how to do that. You’re probably sure now, how do you do it? Hands free. So it’s a process. Everyone can learn to orgasm in different ways. You really put your mind and effort, you can do it. And that’s why it’s so important. I always tell people, regardless of what we’re working on, is to masturbate with different hands, get used to orgasming in different ways, because then that’s how people are like, oh, I can never come from a hand job or I can never come in this other position because I’m always orgasming from here or whatever. Right? So the cysticasm is essentially that you’re just training yourself to orgasm in a different way. Now, of course, with someone with a penis, they do have that prostate, which is going to feel good and it’s going to build up the juices and kind of give you that grand finale. But that doesn’t take away from the years and often decades of training yourself to orgasm, especially when you’re masturbating. You have the hands down there, you’re doing the stroking motion, maybe pinching your nipples or tightening your legs or whatever. Each person does, and they need that to orgasm. Their mind can’t associate an orgasm with not touching their penis with a cysticasm. Maybe that’s with the help of a chastity cage. So you can’t even touch it if you wanted to. But it’s like you essentially are trying to learn to build up to where you only orgasm through anal penetration. So the way that I explain to people is ride a dildo or something, thrusting a little Bubb or something, like, really get down to it and just masturbate the way you normally would. Like, you’re stroking and you’re writing. You’re stroking and you’re writing. And then when you feel really, really close to orgasming at first, maybe like a second before you orgasm, let go and just keep writing it. And then the rest will push it out, right? At first it will start like maybe like half a second or they’ll let go and they instantly come. But then the next time, try for 2 seconds, 2 seconds before you come, let go, and just like, hop on that dildo or hop on that penis or whatever, and let that do the rest of the work. And then you just keep doing it until it’s gone to like a minute before. So at that point, you’re writing a dildo and you got into the headspace of like, this is what it feels like when it’s building up, and this is what the release is going to be like. And then they have that orgasm. Okay, so you are stimulating the prostate, or at least the stimulating.
When you said hands free, I thought no hands. So when you say hands free, you mean no hands on the penis. Hands on the penis. Hands on the penis. Okay, cool. So a prostate orgasm. Very interesting. What’s very interesting to me about all the things you’re talking about within the realm of specification is that the broad range of sex acts and approaches and interactions and roles you can play can be played with or without specification. Right? Like, you can have a prostate orgasm that is not considered a cystic orgasm. You can wear women’s Lacy underwear without the desire to be cystified. So some people will lean into the desire to play that role of assisting, and some people won’t. I think a really important question here is how do we ensure that when we’re playing with specification, that we’re not doing it in a sexist way? That’s kind of anti feminine that assumes that the feminine is inherently subjugated. Yes. So it’s really, really tricky because as a whole, you look at specification and force feminization, and you think it’s just so sexist. Right. It almost reduces women to being a helpless sexual object who all they do is make tea, serve a penis, and just, like, look pretty and talking to. I’ve interviewed a lot of dominatrixes. I actually got certified in a sex dungeon for one of my videos. And I always ask them, how do you work through that whole essentially, you’re humiliating someone for being feminine when you yourself are feminine, right? So they always tell me how important it is to one have that communication in the beginning of like, what is it that you’re into about this? What turns you on about this? Because when a person hears it, especially if they’re female identifying and they see a kink like this and they’re like, okay, Whoa, this is not what it means to be female at all. But maybe their partner just wants to get in touch with their feminine side and it has nothing to do with the stereotypical female attributes or anything like that. Or maybe they just, like, feeling humiliated and that’s just the way that they like to be humiliated. So what I would say is find out what it is that your partner likes about that particular kink, because it might not be what you think. And then, of course, if it is what you think, then that’s when you set up those boundaries, that may be what you’re into, but that’s not what I’m into. But as your partner or whatever, I do want to meet you halfway so we can engage in this, but it’s not going to be associated with female equals bad. Maybe I will humiliate you for not being as a badass female as I am, but not for looking female. Does that make sense? Yeah, it absolutely does. I think the context of the relationship makes all the difference. I think about no matter what I do with Brandon, no matter where we go psychologically, with kink, whether it’s humiliation, whether it’s offer me. I really like feelings of inadequacy, because the foundation of the relationship is the opposite of that. Because the foundation of the relationship really is being one another’s equals, feeling supported, feeling respected. I can play with really, almost anything. So really, really fascinating stuff for folks who maybe are curious about specification, especially if you’re feeling off put right now or if you’re thinking like, this isn’t for me, I want you to dig deeper. I want you to think, like, which part of this am I perhaps running away from without giving it a chance? So for folks who do want to explore this or introduce it with themselves or with a partner, where do we begin? How do we start that conversation or reflection, like, with any other type of tinker fetish that you have, it’s important to want to get to know yourself, get to know. I always tell everyone, identify what exactly you like about this particular King, and then identify what turns you on about it and why it turns you on. Because when you bring it up to a partner, we all have our own ideas of what a kink means and what a fetish is. And it might not be the exact same way.
Kinks and fetishes are not like one panty fits all. Everyone is different. So when you talk to your partner about it, you better have all the answers that they don’t even know about, answers to the questions that they don’t even have yet, because they’re going to have like, oh, you want to beat me? Does that mean that you’re just violent? And it’s like, no, what turns me on about that is like, you submitting yourself to me and trusting me. That’s what I like. It’s not like hitting you that I like. It’s that act of trusting me to a certain degree, right? So it’s figuring out what you like about it so you can explain it to your partner in a way that will make sense for them, because then they also got to figure out how to engage in it with you. Right? I’ll give you an example. So maybe there’s like, a partner, and he’s been watching, like, Sissy porn and thinking about specification for decades, and he’s just mustering up the courage to talk to his wife about it, and he finally lets her know, hey, I’m really into specification and forced feminization, and I really want to try that with you. And the partner is a little hesitant, but they’re like, okay, they don’t talk about it anything else. The partner is just like, you know what? Just look into it, and then we can try it. So the partner looks into it and maybe they see chastity or small penis humiliation, right? Like, your penis is a useless cliti now. But let’s say this person is more of a bedroom Sissy, right? They just want to feel sexy and lingerie and stuff like that. So the night comes, the moment comes. They meet their partner in the bedroom. Their partner hands over a pair of little pink Lacy panties, and they’re getting all excited. They’re like, they put the panties on. They’re just thinking like, oh, my God, Yes, I’m finally getting what I want. This is so exciting. And then their partner starts being all like, look at that small little penis. It’s so useless. Such a little clitdy. It’s not a real penis. And that person is not into that aspect of humiliation in this situation. All of a sudden they’re going to be like, Wait, no, that’s not what I want. It’s a huge turn off. And then that experience of, oh my God, I’m finally getting this release turns into a negative one for everyone involved. And then they’re not going to want to try it again if they have that negative experience. I always tell everyone, you want to make sure that any small steps you take are positive and good. So it makes it more likely that you and your partner who’s maybe not into it are more likely to want to continue engaging in it because it’s a good feeling, it’s a good outcome. That’s right. That makes sense that we really have to talk about these things specifically. I can’t just say, specifically, hey, I’m into being dominated and assume that that makes sense to Brandon. Or he can’t say, hey, I really want to explore specification, and that’s the end of a conversation. I think, especially when we’re uncomfortable with what our partners are into, we try and keep the conversations really brief, when in fact, the more uncomfortable we are, I think the more specificity is required in these communications. And so it really makes me think about how do we cultivate a relationship, an environment, a communication style that ensures that my partner can come to me with anything. Like, to me, that’s what makes for a great relationship.
Not that you’re into the same things, not even that you don’t necessarily engage in their fantasies, not even that you’ll meet them halfway, but just that you’re really open and creating an environment that’s judgment free. So that if Brandon comes to me with something that honestly, my first reaction might be super offput, I’m going to hold on, take a breath and say, I’m glad you shared that with me. Right? And I might even say, I’m not even sure how to respond. I could even say, I’m not feeling really comfortable with that, but I want to explore this discomfort. That’s on me. That’s not on you. I’m so glad that you were able to figure out what you’re into. And of course, my philosophy in life is that I don’t want to hold Brandon back from any pleasure. I don’t want to hold him back from any source of fulfillment. I feel like we’ve been together forever, okay? We were kids when we met and that these 20 years have flown by, and if I only get like 60 more years, it feels like it would never be enough. So in that short lifetime, I don’t want to hold them back. So it would really challenge people. However, you’re reacting to ideas of chastity play or cystification to use this as a learning opportunity or reminder. What is it that you want to create for your partner or your partners? Like, what are you trying to cultivate? And I think for all of us, it really is. We want to create an environment where we can be judgment free, where people can feel supported, and also where we’re creating space for every opportunity possible. And I know that’s really scariest, I think, especially in the context of monogamy. But if we can look at it as why, like, why do I want to hold them back from this? Where did I receive those messages? And that’s where I think someone like you comes in in such a great space to not only coach, but also as a psychotherapist to help us dig in and think about. Ok, so why am I so uncomfortable with this? Is it that what I’m desiring is problematic or is it the sociocultural norms have made it so problematic that it’s causing distress for me? So I absolutely encourage people to keep learning from you to follow along. Hopefully that asked. Carlos YouTube page will be back up soon. But in the meantime, people can find you hosting the naughtylicious sex podcast. You also have your website counselingbycarlos.com and I’ll make sure we’re tagging all of those things in the show notes for folks listening. I am going to shout out because I had this meeting this morning with adorice.com. Now I want to be really clear. Buying underwear for yourself or for a partner, regardless of gender isn’t necessarily tied to specification. But I really thought of Carlos when I was chatting with them and it’s adores adorees.com and I believe they’re creating a discount code for me and they’ve got the most beautiful options for underwear, regardless of your genitals, regardless of your gender identity, regardless of whatever gender you were assigned at birth. Beautiful, beautiful stuff from some couture brands of which I’m a huge fan. So adoreys.com code doctor Jess to save a little. So encourage people to go check that out as well.
Brandon, anything you want to add sounds so sexy. No, I thought that was great. I mean, lots for me to think about. I’m very happy to hear that some of the underwear that Carlos made reference to that’s very soft and silky also is supportive for those of us with penises because that was immediately where I went to. I was like I had soap boxers when I was younger and they were great. They were super comfortable. They felt great sometimes too comfortable if you get where I’m going out here. But the idea right now of having a little support, I kind of appreciate that. I’m just going to go TMI Brandon needs ball support. I do. I like some ball support. I’m just saying he likes being held in place. Carlos, thank you so much for being with us. I really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. An absolute pleasure. Thank you for listening. We’ll be back next week with a whole new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.