April 21, 2022
How To Intensify Sex: Elevated Erotic Feelings
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Take your pleasure to the next level by exploring the emotions that intensify the experience. Your elevated erotic feelings (EEFs), can heighten physical pleasure, psychological thrill, emotional fulfillment, intimate connection, spiritual experience, and much more. In most cases, no physical technique or position can compare to exploring the emotional dimensions of pleasure, so this week, we dive deeper into the emotional-erotic connection.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
How To Intensify Sex: Elevated Erotic Feelings
Participant #1:
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, Sex and relationship advice you can use Tonight welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co host, Brandon. We’re here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, we are talking feelings today. How are you feeling? Feeling good. What does that mean in your body? How does good feeling up in your body? Good. Feels relaxed. Good. Feels a little excited about maybe what the future holds for the world. For you today. I hope for everything. Oh, God. World’s on fire. We all need that hope. Yeah. So that’s how I feel. How do you feel? I’m a little antsy today. I’ve got an evening flight. I prefer to fly in the morning and just, like, get it done, go where I’m going unpack. So I always feel a little antsy because I don’t feel like I can get quite as much work done when my flights in the evening. But we’re going to be talking more about feelings and specifically your elevated, erratic feelings today. Before we dive into that, a big thank you to Adam and Eve.com for continuing to sponsor and support this podcast. Be sure to use Code Doctor Jess to save 50% off almost any item, plus free goodies, free shipping. All that jazz on everything from good vibes to lingerie to latex to butt plugs and everything in between. And there is a whole lot in between a butt plug and lingerie. So Adam and Eve.com code Doctor Jess. All right, last week we talked about your core erotic feeling, which is the feeling you need to get in the mood for sex. It is indispensable to sex. For most of us, we have some sort of emotional needs or need. We need met. It doesn’t mean that every time you feel your chorotic feeling that you automatically want sex, but it makes sex possible. And now we move on to the fun stuff, your elevated erotic feelings. And those are the feelings that take sex to the next level. They’re the feelings that make sex more intense in a specific way. So it could be related to physical pleasure. It could be about psychological thrill. It could be about emotional fulfillment. It could be about intimate connection. It could be a spiritual experience or any other benefit that you personally associate with sex. And the reason we’re talking about feelings is that no matter what we do in bed, no matter how I touch you, no matter what position we engage in, no matter how quick it is or how long it is or how fast it is, all of this is underpinned by some sort of emotion. And my emotional needs are different than Brandon’s. Emotional needs are different than your emotional needs. But emotions are so highly personal and intrinsic and essential to every single interaction, to every single sexual and nonsexual experience.
Again, it is hard to fathom that the feelings that make sex exciting for me are not going to necessarily be the feelings that make sex exciting for Brandon. And so if you’re going to have sex with yourself, it’s super exciting to explore all the different emotional underpinnings. But if you’re going to have sex with a partner or partners, you definitely want to get to know their elevated erotic feelings. Now, unlike your core erotic feeling, which is probably fairly specific and enduring over time, you’re likely to find that your elevated erotic feelings are more varied. You can have many of them, and they can change from day to day. Like, I can be really in the mood to be subjugated today. And if you were to play with that feeling with me tomorrow, I might be irritated by it. I might be offput by it. It might even make me angry. It might make me feel really, really bad about myself, which is why these are kind of ongoing conversations. So before sex or during sex, you probably check in with yourself and with your partners to figure out what they’re in the mood for. Right? It may not be a conversation where you’re like, okay, do you want the anal today? Do you want the thumb in the butt? Do you want two fingers in the badge, or do you want four fingers in the vague? It doesn’t have to be specific like that. But I’m probably going to ask you questions like, do you want this? Do you want that? Do you want it here? Do you want it faster? Do you like this? We solicit a lot of feedback when it comes to the physical, and we don’t do the same when it comes to the emotional. And so that’s really what I’m encouraging via the exploration of the elevated erotic feelings. Now your corotic feeling, as I mentioned for many people, is rooted in comfort and validation. It’s not always the case, but many people report that they need to feel validated or loved or safe or cared for or relaxed or desired or sexy in order to get in the mood for sex. On the other hand, for many people, the elevated erotic feelings are often tied to feelings of discomfort. Right? And so this isn’t always the case. Some people actually get really turned on by intimacy and closeness. Like if you’ve ever kind of made love, so to speak, that intensity of being tied to someone, of being connected to someone, of feeling understood and heard and seen, can be very powerful. And that’s not necessarily about discomfort, although for some of us, that is also about discomfort because of trauma history and because feeling close and feeling intimate can actually make us uncomfortable. That’s sort of another conversation. So what I thought we could do today is talk a little about examples of elevated erotic feelings. Brandon, I was thinking that you could help walk us through how you’ve discovered some of your elevated erotic feelings. Last week, you talked about the fact that your core erotic feeling generally involves feeling, like, comfortable and relaxed. I would agree. And you mentioned that you also are really turned on by being desired. Like that’s one of your elevated erotic feelings. Yes. How did you discover that? I discovered it when people started expressing desire. Like, as I got older, I think I started paying more attention to it when you got older and hotter anyway. But even when we first met, we worked in the nightclubs, and that was the first time that I remember people expressed desire for me where I noticed it.
You mean when me and when Carlos and I fought over you? Yes. And there were a few other instances where people hit on me or approached me, and it was just new to me. And I liked it. I did. Because I guess you went through most of high school and College feeling lucky if someone was interested in you. Is that a fair? Absolutely. High school, most definitely. And then that kind of parlayed its way into my experience in University College, where, yeah. Nobody expressed any interest. And frankly, I didn’t turn it around and tried to seek it. So when it happened, it just happened. So there was never that expression of desire from another person towards me. So when it happened, the first few times, I remember thinking, I like this. This is great. So that’s kind of how it started to be. The object of desire can be a very exciting thing. And it is so tied again to identity and how the world sees you. Right. So I think in the straight world, women are seen as objects of desire oftentimes. And men are expected to kind of show their appreciation, show their adoration, show their desire. So many straight men never get the chance to feel desire. And then I think that we also have to think about all of the ways in which we prescribe what is desirable. Right. Are you supposed to be a certain age, a certain body type, a certain skin tone? There are so many people who are excluded from being desired. Right. People who have disabilities are often used kind of as the butt of jokes instead of being painted in this desirable light. Okay. So you discovered that you liked it when people hit on you and then kind of in your sexual journey and your fantasy journey. I think you discovered a little bit more. I did. Do you want me to elaborate on that? I could see by the way you looked at me, you were just going to end it. Yeah. I was just going to say yes. Well, I’m curious because we’ve explored this together. I know you want to feel wanted.
First of all, you are very desirable in every way, not just physically. And I want you to get to feel all of that, to get to enjoy all of that, to derive pleasure and derive confidence and feel power or feel excitement or feel thrill or feel threat or whatever it is you want to feel in being desired. I guess we can probably talk about the fact that it probably went to a next level when we went to desire resort. So those two words happen to match. But desire resort was probably one of the first times when people were very forward with you about wanting to have sex with you. Yes, they were very forward and reflecting back. I don’t know how appropriate all the advances were, but at the same time, because I was able to deflect and because I didn’t feel threatened physically or I was able to, I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy some of it, for sure. The attention. Yeah, the attention. The fact that somebody else desired me. It was novel. It was new. I mean, I know that you desired me, and I very much appreciated that you acted on that feeling when we first met. But other than that, as I said, just kind of going back to it, it hadn’t really been something I’d experienced much of. So, yeah, it definitely got ramped up when we went there. Okay, so fast forward many, many, many years later, you still really find this feeling a turn on. Like, it’s something you like to talk about. It’s something you like to be told. I don’t want to get too personal. We have our limits on what we share. Yes, we do. But you like to hear about it and not in a harassing context. It’s not like you just want to receive random messages from people. But I’m curious why it’s such a turn on. Like, what does it feel like for you? Is there power in it? What is it that appeals to you about being wanted? Great question. I don’t know that I’ve thought enough about it. I think there’s a degree of validation in it. There is definitely a feeling of power status. I would imagine that there is. I haven’t really unpacked all of the reasons behind, but those are definitely the first two things that come to mind. And to be clear, you don’t have to unpack it. Nobody has to unpack it. Like, just feel what you feel. If it feels good, go for it. I think that being desired is a fairly accessible, elevated, erotic feeling. Like, I think most people can kind of admit, hey, it feels good for somebody to want me, and it can feel very powerful. It can feel lots. It can feel validating. I know that many people love to feel adored. That’s another common one I hear about worship. And so there’s all these layers of desire. Like, I want you worship, where I can get specific about what I appreciate about you and what I’m willing to do to get some of you or to please you. And that’s where everything we do, every fantasy, every role play, every kinky play, has an emotional underpinning. And that’s why I like to talk about these elevated erotic feelings.
So for folks out there to identify your elevated erotic feelings, we have some prompts and kind of some questions that you can consider. So first and foremost, I usually recommend that you try to recall an intensely pleasurable sexual experience, like just whatever first comes to mind for you. Like when I even just say that out loud. I have one that comes to my mind. You have one that comes to your mind? Yes. I can tell from your eyebrows right now. Okay, so when you think of this intensely pleasurable sexual experience, give us a brief summary of it. Starry sky, four post bed people around. We’re together. Do I need to continue? I remember. I think I know what night you’re talking about. Okay, so we were up on this Jacuzzi bed, and it was by the sea, and there’s people all around, but they’re not a part of what we’re doing. We’re on our own little private bed. Okay. So how did you feel physically? Kind of before. During maybe after this experience? I would say before I felt a little bit nervous. And the feelings that come with that during, I definitely felt relaxed. And I can remember what I was focusing on, which was you, us. And then after I continued to feel relaxed, I’m trying to remember how I felt after again, I felt excited, as opposed to feeling nervous at the beginning. I think when all was said and done, I was excited. I felt very happy. So there was an exhibitionist piece to this, right. Because there were people around. They could see us, but they were kind of from afar. It was a consensual environment. By the way, folks, you can’t just go have sex anytime you want because other people around you aren’t consenting. But this is a place. This was at Desire, right? Like, we were at desire. Riviera, Maya. Okay, so I’m thinking about your coronatic feeling. You need to feel kind of safe and relaxed, and I’m guessing that because we were together, you had that taken care of. Yeah, I would agree. I think because the focal point, as I had said, while during the focus, was just us, everything else kind of faded into the background. And although I knew that it was there, it added this additional layer of this heightened excitement. But when I really came down to it, it was just focusing in on us. Was there nervousness because there were people around? Of course there was. Sorry, you’re asking me. And yes, there was definitely nervousness. Okay. And I think initially it was anxiety producing nervousness, but I think during it was an excitement, nervousness. It went from something that was not necessarily concerning but didn’t feel as good initially, like just general nerves to excite what was happening. So you’ve talked about a lot of different feelings there at the core. At the base, we’ve got that you’re feeling, like, safe and relaxed because we’re together and it’s a safe environment. And then all these other feelings come in, like the nerves. What do you associate with exhibitionism? What do you mean exactly? You like a little bit of exhibitionism, which I don’t think you would have discovered or you wouldn’t have predicted it before you got into it. No, not at all. Not at all. I mean, that was an accidental discovery and, yeah, again, I enjoyed it. And again, it was exciting and I’m trying to think, what else do you like that people were admiring or watching? Yeah, I think so. Again, all of that was just corollary. It was secondary to what was actually happening. So it was like I was enjoying what we were doing and then everything was heightened because all the other secondary feelings were a little bit in the background. Yeah, it was great. So kind of to recap here as we’re walking through your potential elevated erotic feelings. We know what’s at the base in terms of safety and comfort. But then there was nervousness, there was a sense of risk, there was the potential for admiration through exhibitionism. And so I think on the surface, you never would have thought, oh, you know what would turn me on? Taking a risk.
You know what would turn me on? Being an exhibitionist? You know what would turn me on? Putting myself in an uncomfortable situation. Like, those are not things that would flow, obviously, to you. If you had described this situation before, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have been too uncomfortable to have had. I would have just been too anxious. So why did we. I mean, this is so long ago, I think everything. Yeah, it was quite a while ago, but everything unraveled so naturally. And because, again, I’m going back to the chorusic feeling now, thinking about it as we’re talking about it, but because I felt comfortable being with you and because I felt comfortable with the environment, I felt okay with the other. With the other elements that were happening. And then once I realized that I was okay with them, it just amplified the feeling, you know what I mean? Like, everything was kind of taken to the next level. But if you just said, you’re going to do, you’re going to do this, this is what’s going to happen all around you. And I would have been like, yeah, I don’t think I can do that. Why the hell would I want to do that? Well, I just would have been too nervous or too uncomfortable to even get started. So this really speaks to that core emotion being taken care of and then discovering that these potentially offputting or subversive feelings can be turned on, which kind of cements this specific theory. This doesn’t mean it applies to everyone. But if we go back to some of the considerations for folks who want to walk through their own elevated erotic feelings and kind of explore. So try to recall an intensely pleasurable sexual experience and then jot down how you felt physically before, during and after then jot down how you felt emotionally, and then kind of take a look at that list and think, is there a feeling that stood out here that I might connect to pleasure? Right. So for you, it was like the risk and the nerves. And so this kind of brings us to my second piece of the question, which is, are there any uncomfortable or surprising feelings that you have accidentally or just by chance associated with pleasure or arousal in the past? And if there are, I think these are often feelings to explore as potential points of excitation. So that’s kind of where we begin, like peak erotic experience. What did I feel in my body? What were the feelings? What do I connect to pleasure? Are there any uncomfortable feelings in there? Because if there are uncomfortable feelings, that’s probably where you want to explore. And we don’t have to get super cerebral about this. Like when you talk to about unpacking, you don’t have to unpack it. It’s just like, all right, I felt this thing. Let’s try it again. And then I think after that first time, because you’re describing what was one of our very first times doing something like this, like over a decade ago.
Oh, yeah. Well, over then you started doing more and more of that, which it’s not that there was an escalator or anything like that. And recently we’ve done less and less because it’s just like the circumstances of life. And then another question to consider is whether or not you find yourself in the mood for a specific type of sex or experience after intense conversations or intense experiences that are nonartic. Right. So, for example, can you recall a conversation and identify how you felt? Did you feel tense with your partner? And then it led to greater desire for a specific type of sex, or are you turned on by conflict? Do you experience a desire to allow the antagonism to seep into the bedroom? And I think this is an interesting one because I see this in clients all the time where you have an argument and then you feel desire for one another after you’ve come to a resolution. And I think we’ve experienced this right. When there’s not so much an argument, but just like an intense or vulnerable conversation where you kind of leave feeling like there needs to be this, I don’t know, like a physical output or a physical connection. Do you ever feel that? Yeah, I would say that when we’ve had intense conversations and I can think of a few instances where we’ve had disagreements and after a long conversation where there’s been, for me, resolution, I’ve felt more connected and I’ve wanted to have sex. And the sex is sometimes more intense. Yeah, definitely. And I was thinking, as you were just describing some of these other situations. Going back to that experience that I described, there was always the comfort of knowing that I could stop. And I think that that really also made me feel more comfortable. There wasn’t any sort of pressure. So I think that that reinforces the comfort, the safety element, the relaxation, because I knew at any point if I was uncomfortable that I could just stop. And I also had your support. Should I choose to do that, that makes sense. Going back to the core piece. Okay, so then the last piece I was thinking about and that I tend to use around uncovering elevated erotic feelings is just to think about, are there sexual scenarios or fantasies or experiences that make you uncomfortable? Are there any of these kind of fantasies or themes or sexual stories you hear about or scenes that you see in a television show that kind of trigger you, that make you uncomfortable? Because sometimes latent desire can hide within or overlap with discomfort. And you might be able to explore some of these scenarios and feelings in fantasy as opposed to reality. Right. And so, again, everything you see that feels exciting or feels maybe even off putting it doesn’t mean you have to explore it, but there might be elements of it you can pull out. And so with the elevated erotic feeling theory, it helps to explain why we can be turned on by such a range of feelings. Like, it helps me to understand why I like feeling jealous. I don’t want to feel jealous in real life, that doesn’t feel particularly good. It can be functional, it can be normative. But I’m not seeking jealousy. But maybe jealousy isn’t a complete description of one of my elevated erotic feelings. It’s more inadequacy. I sometimes like feeling not good enough because I like the excitement of like, well, I guess I need to find a solution here, right? I’m not going to keep being a try hard. It’s like, maybe I need to offer an alternative. Maybe I need to find this other type of solution. So I like the feeling of feeling inadequate. Do I want to feel inadequate in this relationship? Of course not. But when it comes to sex, in the safety of this relationship, I kind of love that. And many clients and I’ve tapped into this as well. Who like feelings of degradation, who like feelings of humiliation, who like to completely subjugate it and escape from reality. And so, again, talking about elevated erotic feelings creates these portals through which you can access fantasies without necessarily having to get into the nitty gritty. Like, for example, if I say I want to feel inadequate, that’s kind of broad, right? But I can use that as a conversation to kind of say to you, okay, here are the words I want you to use.
Here are the scenarios I want you to talk about. Here’s the role I want to play. Here’s the porn I want to watch. Here’s how I want to play it out. I always just think it’s a good gateway into figuring out what it is we’re going to do. Because if we start with the physical, I think we miss out on, first of all, the layers of individual nuance. Right? If I just say, okay, I want you to whip me. Okay. But why do I want to be whipped? Do I want to be punished? Do I want it to be because I’m a good girl and I’m getting what I asked for? Do I want it to be because I’m a bad girl and I deserve this? Do I want it to be because I want to relinquish all control? And I want you to take over physically, emotionally, psychologically. So you can see that just starting with the elevated erotic feeling conversation can lead to all these other conversations. Yeah. And I mean, I think as soon as you start exploring that, then other fantasies surface and other things that you can play with. And I’ll tell you, even thinking about things that I was uncomfortable with 1012 five years ago, knowing or having that choritic feeling met, I feel like I can play with some of those feelings and start to explore them even just on my own. Like, I don’t even have to share them with you. I can just think about them on my own and see how I feel. Does it turn me on? Does it turn me off? But I’m looking inside your brain right now. Are you thinking you’re probably pretty scared of what you’ve already found? That’s a really great point. You don’t have to share everything. You don’t have to explore everything. I just wanted to kind of share this theory as an option for folks to explore. And one thing I’ll say is that as you consider your elevated erotic feeling, you might start to get concerned that, oh, some of these feelings that turn me on and make sex kind of exciting and more gratifying are not feelings that I want in real life. Like, they make me uncomfortable. And I think it’s important to know that they may not align with your personal or political values. So you might thrive super obvious when you thrive on being independent in real life, but you have a strong desire to be super submissive when it comes to sex. You might have built a really mutually respectful relationship, but be turned on by consensual degradation. Right. And that’s perfectly normal. And we have to know that the desires and the feelings we associate with pleasure don’t have to reflect our real life ideals. And the person that I want to be on Saturday afternoon at Easter brunch with my family isn’t necessarily the role I want to play on Saturday night when I’m behind closed doors. And so you’re allowed to play these multiple roles. And I got a question yesterday from a woman who is interested in pursuing this specific sexual scenario, and she’s trying to reconcile it with also being a mother. But the thing is, you can be a loving, caring, devoted mother and you can enjoy tons of fun kinky play when you’re not with your kids, right. Like your kids aren’t there at that time. And you deserve to relinquish whatever shame is holding you back from trying out all these things. So I’m really hoping folks will consider their elevated erotic feelings. I think I mentioned that anecdotally core erotic feeling is often rooted in that comfort. And then the elevated erotic feelings are kind of about that discomfort. And then for some people, they’ll say to me, no, yes, that’s not the case. Love. And just like that intensity of feeling loved is actually what takes to the next level.
So again, a reminder. And I know that maybe people get tired of me saying it, but I have to say it. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to human emotion, human behavior, human sexuality. It doesn’t matter if something occurs 999 times in a row. On the thousandth time, it might be something totally different. And it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. So wherever you’re going with those feelings, I just encourage you to think about what feelings make you a little uncomfortable when it comes to sex. What feelings take you over the edge? Oh, and a big one that I left out. What feelings cause you to lose control, where you stop worrying about, like, what your partner is thinking or how long you’re taking or what you look like, or whether anyone can hear you, think of a time where you lost control and just didn’t care. And I’m not suggesting that you always want to lose control and not care, but there is usually power in that emotion. And also think about when you’ve craved more sex, like when you’ve had sex and you’re like, oh, I want more of that. I want more of them. What is it that you felt right? Always go to the feelings as a starting point, not because you have to understand them all, but just because it can be helpful for future explorations and for communicating your desires to your partner. Super interesting stuff. I like exploring on my own and then coming to you. I feel like it’s a fun way to start thinking about things and seeing if you’re comfortable with it in a safer way. Right? Yeah. Because whatever I think rather than just blurting it out while we’re having sex or leading up to it or whatever, I’ve taken the time to think about it. And I know, okay, I played with this. I’m going to introduce it, or I’m going to try to weave it in a little bit and see if I still do like it. Right. Which is fun. Yeah. Because you might like it on your own and not like it with me and that’s okay. Yeah. And like I’ve said before, especially when I’m toying with feelings that are so subversive, I don’t like them all the time. I think I mentioned I hear this from so many different people, from women. Like when they’re on their periods, what they want when it comes to sex feels really different. Like for the days leading up and often a few days after and what we want when we’re ovulating can feel different again. It’s not all about procreation, just hormone levels. It also has to do with our relationships, our state of mind, what’s going on in our lives. Like, if work is a huge amount of stress right now, I probably don’t really want stress when it comes to sex. I want something else that allows me to escape. So I encourage you to let your mind wander. Let your bodies wander and explore all of the massive range of feelings that can be erotic with no pressure. Right? If you just absolutely love romance and connection and feeling love, that’s okay too. You don’t have to be kinky. Kinky isn’t better than vanilla you do you?
And while you’re doing you and doing your partner, I’m going to go back to Adam and Eve.com. If you’re shopping with them, please, please use code, Dr. Jess. I know many of you have been shopping with them and so they’ve kept supporting the podcast with this 50% off code. Dr. Jess. All right, Babe, we learned a little bit about you so you like to be desired. You also like a little bit of risk, a little bit of nerves. Do we miss anything? Apparently a little bit of exhibitionism. Totally do. You’re such a showman. Like, I know that you fade into the background a lot of the times but you love a mic. You love a stage. I do. You love to take your pants off. You don’t love to take you take my pants off. On that note, Brandon has the pants on. We’re going to wrap this up, folks, wherever you’re at. Thank you so much for joining us and have a great, great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.
