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Sex with Dr. Jess


April 15, 2022

Emotional Seduction: The Core Erotic Feeling

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How do you need to feel in order to get in the mood for sex? Relaxed? Loved? Safe? Desired?

Your core erotic feeling (CEF) is the feeling you require in order to get in the mood for sex, and it can revolutionize the way you approach pleasure, seduction, and sex.

If you or a partner; have trouble getting in the mood, or if you find that erotic touch often isn’t enough – this episode will help youbetter understand the emotional-erotic connection, so you can have all the hot sex you desire.

If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Emotional Seduction: The Core Erotic Feeling

Emotional Seduction: The Core Erotic Feeling

Intro: [00:00:00] You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.

Brandon: Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I’m your co host Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess.

Dr. Jess: Hey, hey, I’m excited for the topic today. Amazing. We are talking the erotic emotional connection.

We’re going to be talking about your core erotic feeling. And to me, this is the most interesting, meaningful, impactful piece around sex because I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, every human experience is emotional. Every experience, every interaction, every transaction, every conversation, everything intimate, anything that involves a human being is an emotional experience, right?

It’s, and, and we, we [00:01:00] see this in business all the time where if you make someone feel important, if you make someone feel valued, if you make someone feel as though they’re a part of something, right? That buzzword of community. Everybody’s always, you know, all the brands are talking about creating a community in order to sell you things.

When you make people feel something that they want to feel, they want more of you. So that could be super simple, like going into a restaurant and being treated like you belong there, right? Being treated like a regular, being told welcome back, um, being prioritized in some way. It makes you want more and more of that.

Similarly, when brands effectively create communities online. where, you know, you feel like you’re a part of a social movement, or you feel as though you found people who understand you, then you keep coming back for more. And so we get this in business, we get this in marketing, we get it in relationships as well.

Of course in relationships we’re always talking about feelings, but I think so often it gets left out of the bedroom, out of sex, right? We talk about like, how to touch somebody, the words to say to them, [00:02:00] how to But what underpins almost all of that? is the emotional piece, right? So if you’re dealing with loss of libido, or maybe you’ve lost an interest in sex, maybe you’re dealing with differentials in desire, maybe you have struggles to get in the mood, maybe you don’t know how to seduce someone.

If we begin with the underlying feelings, they’re looking to experience. I think it becomes so much easier than figuring out, like, oh, do I put my hand here? Should I put, you know, 20 percent pressure? 30 percent pressure? Forget the physical and start with the emotional. And that’s what we’re gonna talk about today.

Your core erotic feeling. And your core erotic feeling is the emotion that you require in order to get in the mood. So, before we dive into that, I want to shout out our sponsors, adamandeve. com, who have been making us feel really good. In fact, people have been all over the discount code, so they’ve extended it yet again this month.

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to save a whole bunch. Alright, so, to the core erotic feeling. Seduction and pleasure and sex are not just about what you say and do, it really is about how you feel. Now, you can’t control your feelings, you can’t control a partner’s feelings, you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, but if you want to seduce yourself or seduce somebody else, you can certainly affect the way they’re feeling, right?

The way they respond. And so this concept is one that we explored in our book, Marla, Renee Stewart and I, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. So I’m going to be pulling from that today, and kind of going through how to understand your own core erotic [00:04:00] feeling as well as your partner’s. And I do think that once you understand your own core erotic feeling, once you understand your partner’s, Sex just gets so much easier.

And then, we don’t just want to make sex easy, we want to make it like exciting and fun and fulfilling and full of passion, or whatever feeling you’re looking to experience. Then we’ll move on and we’ll cover this next week into your elevated erotic feeling. So we’ve got to get the core erotic feeling sort of out of the way.

So when you think about Seducing somebody else. Let’s start there. When you approach your lover, do you make them feel sexy? Do you, when you look at them, do you make them feel desired? When you, when you kiss them, do you make them feel like, you know, it’s playful and fun? When you touch them, are you making them feel loved?

Do the words that you use evoke feelings of nervousness or playfulness or safety? Do your actions lead to them feeling powerful, or the opposite, subjugated? Um, do they, do you help them to feel relaxed? Does your body language put them at ease and help them to de stress? Does the language you use help them to feel more confident or empowered?

Does your approach to them make [00:05:00] them feel safe, being vulnerable? And when you initiate sex, do you make them feel surprised or excited? Does spending time together make them happy? And I’m, I’m kind of going through all the ways you. Interact with your partner with all these different feelings and that’s because the way we feel about sex is so Individual and the feelings we associate with sexual desire and arousal and pleasure and fulfillment vary so greatly from person to person So when we talk about your core erotic feeling, the feeling that you require to get in the mood for sex.

It’s going to vary from person to person. So some people find that they’re in the mood when they feel really relaxed. Others actually have to have sex in order to relax and find that they want sex when they’re actually stressed out. But my observation with regard to the erotic emotional connection is that your core erotic feeling is so intrinsic to you and so essential to your own sexual experience that you cannot fathom that it’s different for other people.

So if I need to feel really, really stressed in order, not [00:06:00] stressed, well maybe, if I need to feel really, really relaxed, for example, which is a really common one to get in the mood for sex, I can’t imagine that someone else would be in the mood when they’re stressed, but that’s because my experience is so Intrinsic to me.

So some people desire sex when they’re feeling confident and powerful, and others actually find that they’re most in the mood when they feel safe enough to be the opposite of powerful, to feel vulnerable. And so, if you’re gonna be good in bed, if you’re gonna be good for yourself and good for a partner, if you’re gonna be good at seduction, Your approach and your skills have to be adjusted according to the emotions that you and your partner or partners associate with sex, right?

If you want to meet someone’s sexual needs, you have to understand their emotional needs as well, in and out of the bedroom. And hopefully you have lovers who, who do the same for you. So We don’t have a surefire gimmick or a quiz to identify your core erotic feeling with precision. And so what I thought we could do now is kind of [00:07:00] talk through some of the questions, the prompts you can use to start contemplating your core erotic feeling.

And so, Brandon, I think you already know. your core erotic feeling, because we’ve talked about this before, but you know, some possibilities, some common core erotic feelings. People might be in the mood for sex when they feel happy, or powerful, or confident, or desirable, or sexy, or loved, or safe, or honored, or relaxed, or stressed, or challenged, or at risk, or empowered, or subjugated, playful.

Energized, or serene, or excited, or rested, or calm, sexy, comfortable, nervous, daring, inspired, passionate, liberated, any of these feelings could be your core erotic feeling. And there may be one that jumps out at you right away, but it may take you some time. to kind of figure out what that core erotic feeling is.

Like, you might want to ask yourself, well, do I need to feel relaxed? Do I need to feel loved? Do I need to [00:08:00] feel honored? Do I need a sense of challenge? And you can kind of think about what puts you in the mood for sex. When you think about, okay, when I fantasize, how am I really feeling in that fantasy? If I think back to a peak erotic experience, how did I feel in that experience?

Like, what was the emotion that kind of underpinned it? So, babe, okay, let’s talk about you. Let’s. That’s true, because I just went off there, and I’m running out of breath.

Brandon: All right, well, you gave everybody every single possible Feeling that they could have. Oh, no, I didn’t. There are more. Yes, I know. But I’m just saying, lots to, lots to contemplate there.

So I, what’s your question?

Dr. Jess: No, you go ahead. I know what you want to say. Your core erotic feeling is what?

Brandon: I think we all know this. It’s, I have to be relaxed. Right. But, as you

Dr. Jess: everybody, everybody knows.

Brandon: Well, we’ve talked about my experience before, and, and I think I’ve reiterated a number of times. Yeah, I need to feel relaxed.

I need to feel calm and, and just relaxed. But, as you were mentioning all these things, I was thinking, it [00:09:00] does depend sometimes on the situation. Like, it depends, like, I enjoy feeling desired. And I was thinking about that just while you were talking about the last time we had sex and, and thinking I got very aroused by the idea of feeling desired.

But generally speaking, it’s relaxed. So it can change from day to day situation to situation,


Dr. Jess: Yeah, it could. I think that you might be differentiating, though, between your core erotic feeling and maybe an elevated erotic feeling. Is that the next talk? Yeah, so this is just a theory, folks. And a theory is a place to start a contemplation and start a consideration.

It’s not an answer to, you know, people’s problems or an answer that’s going to guide you in all the right directions. So my theory is that there is an emotion that is so at the core of your emotional erotic connection that In its absence, you can’t possibly get in the mood for sex. It is the feeling that absolutely must be there to get you in the mood.

That’s your core erotic feeling. [00:10:00] Your elevated erotic feelings, which we’ll get into next week, are the emotions that make sex even more enticing, even more exciting, even more intense. And for many people, your core erotic feeling is rooted in some sort of sense of safety. right? Or validation. And for many people, your elevated erotic feelings can actually be rooted in something a bit risky or subversive.

That is not 100 percent true because we’re talking about human feelings here. And so we can identify patterns, but if it doesn’t resonate with you, that’s okay. You’re perfectly fine. You’re perfectly normal. Um, you may be exceptional in some ways, but there’s nothing wrong with being exceptional. You don’t need to go digging into the root of that exception.

When I use the core erotic feeling as a framework to help people understand what puts them or puts a partner in the mood for sex. It’s not meant to, you know, explain everything about that person. Like if your core erotic feeling is that you, you know what, I’m in the mood when I’m stressed out, you don’t need to go looking into your childhood and figure out, you know, all of your stress triggers [00:11:00] or anything like that.

It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It’s just what you’ve come to associate with arousal and eroticism and pleasure. So, the reason I’ll challenge you a little, only because I know you, Brandon, on a fluctuating core erotic experiences, I would say that, and I, I don’t want to speak for you, I want you to speak for yourself obviously, but I would say that you need to be relaxed in order to get in the mood, and if you are relaxed, that’s when you can tap in to those other feelings.

So for example, if you felt very desired, but in a high stress situation, and probably, no, not a little bit of stress, like I think you can handle a little bit of stress, but a high stress situation where maybe you felt threatened or something you value felt threatened, that being desired would probably not be as exciting or enticing.

It would kind of be, it might, you might find that it’s over rode, is it over rode or over ridden? It would be kind of knocked out by the need to be relaxed, would that be fair? I

completely agree with you. And you know what? I’ve heard you talk so much over, geez, I feel like the [00:12:00] last 10 or 12 years about this idea of core erotic feeling versus elevated erotic feeling, and I would completely agree with you.

I have to be relaxed. Once I’m relaxed, I feel different feels. So yes, and you’re spot on. If there was a situation where I felt very stressed, I could be desired by whomever and I, it would be squashed. It would totally, I think it would, it would be hard for me to focus on enjoying the moment.

Well, and I think you’ve had that experience too, right?


Brandon: definitely have had that experience where it’s very high stress

Dr. Jess: and I did

Brandon: not feel in the

Dr. Jess: mood. So you were able to identify that in order to get in the mood for sex, You need to feel relaxed. And so I’ll just kind of put it out to you, dear listener, because I’ve been reading, watching Bridgerton this week, dear reader, to think about some of these prompts.

So how do you want to feel before you have sex? What tends to put you in the mood for sex? How do you like to feel during sex? And how do you [00:13:00] tend to feel after sex? And if you can kind of just jot down Some thoughts around those four questions. I think it’s a good place to start. I also think that just hearing some of the common core erotic feelings, you might find that one jumps out at you, like the common ones that I come across.

And I’m so lucky in my work because I get to talk to kind of different people every day. It’s not, you know, like I’m in clinic seeing the same people every week. I hear so often that people want to feel relaxed. They want to feel desired. Many people want to feel Many people want a sense of novelty and challenge, so they want to feel challenged.

And then we get into all these other feelings that may be core erotic feelings, but may be more aligned with elevated erotic feelings. And so, once you’ve come to identify your core erotic feeling, it becomes your job to kind of make changes and shifts in your lifestyle. So that you can actually support this feeling.

So, it’s not [00:14:00] necessarily your partner’s job to make you feel that feeling. Sure, they can be a part of it. But if you want to feel this feeling, I say it’s your job, but if you don’t care about getting in the mood for sex, that’s also okay too. Like, you don’t have to have all the sex. But if you wish you were in the sex, in the mood for sex more often, You can think about, okay, here’s my core erotic feeling.

What do I need to do to lay the groundwork to allow myself to feel this way? How do I make space for this specific feeling in my life? So you might ask yourself, okay, let’s say your core erotic feeling is you want to feel sexy. Okay? So you might say, okay, so what daily activities make me feel sexy? How can I bring more of those into my life?

What daily activities detract from feeling sexy? So how do I push some of that out of my life? How do some of my fundamental habits, like sleeping and eating, affect this feeling? Can I make any little adjustments? When do I feel this feeling? When do I feel sexy, right? Who are the people that support me in feeling sexy?

What are the messages? that I receive that make me [00:15:00] feel sexy, and that’s where identity comes so significantly into play. And what kind of systems do I have to dismantle? What shame do I have to work through in order to feel like I deserve to feel sexy, to make space for that? What messages do I need to address that detract from my capacity to feel sexy?

And once again, I’m just using sexy as an example of a core erotic feeling. What

Brandon: if the activities that you engage in that detract from that choroidic feeling are chores.

Dr. Jess: Well, then you can set limits on that. You can set limits. It’s like,

Brandon: you know what? Putting it in the garbage detracts from my sexiness.

So I can’t, I’m sorry,

Dr. Jess: I can’t put it in the garbage. Well, actually, I think, I know you’re joking, but I think there’s a valuable conversation there where so many people don’t feel sexy because of the roles that they play. Like, especially when I think about parents and. Mothers in particular will say after I’ve been treated like kind of a machine that birthed this kid And then I’m feeding it with my breasts and then [00:16:00] I’m taking care of this child all day And it’s all baby talk and my partner starts calling me mama instead of by my name or instead of babe like they used to Or there were all these messages that tell me that I’m not allowed to be a mom and enjoy the kinky sex that I’ve always enjoyed, or I have to prioritize my kids over myself to the point that I’m exhausted.

How, at the end of the day, am I supposed to feel my core erotic feeling, which is feeling sexy in my case? That is a huge challenge, and that’s why So much to do with sex has nothing to do with sex, right? So much to do with sex has to do with our lifestyle. So for example, maybe you need to cut out the baby talk with you and your partner.

Or, and I’m just making, you know, some examples here. Maybe you need some sort of a transition time between being co parents and getting into the bedroom. And this actually can apply whether you have a co parent or not, maybe you’re a single parent and at the end of the day you just want to masturbate but you can’t even bring yourself to do that because you’ve been in that mom or dad or parental role all day and it’s exhausting so you’re [00:17:00] joking about chores but actually simple things like chores Your job, all your community or familial responsibilities can absolutely detract from the capacity to experience a core erotic feeling.

Brandon: So here I am trying to be witty and you’re dropping knowledge bombs on me. But I mean, in terms of helping, say, if your partner feels this way, would it be safe to just say, you know what? take on some of those responsibilities so that the other person isn’t burdened with them 24 7. I mean, it seems like a very simple thing to do to help your partner feel more of that core erotic feeling.

Dr. Jess: For sure. If you told me that taking out the garbage and you had to take out the garbage every single night detracted from getting in the mood for sex, then I would want to take it out sometimes. Or I’d like, we’ve got like, you know, kids next door who will take the garbage out for us probably. for, for a toonie, which is a 2 coin up here in Canada.

You know, actually kids are expensive these days.

Brandon: Yeah. I was like, I don’t know what kids you’re getting. It put it in the trash for two bucks. But back in

Dr. Jess: my day, I would have taken out the garbage for a nickel. Well, that’s

Brandon: because you could have gotten three chocolate bars for a nickel

Dr. Jess: in your day. I was not alive in the [00:18:00] fifties.

So, uh, yes, but there are things that, that we can do. And actually, even in that joke, we think about financial privilege and how, if you do have a little bit of money, you can get a little bit of help. with some of the things that detract from getting in the mood for sex. So all of these things are intermingled and really layered, and we need to talk about them and we need to think about them.

And so if we continue to go through some of those reflection questions, you know, about daily activities and fundamental habits, I think that another important piece is to really think about, okay, when is the last time I felt? this core erotic feeling. So if we stick with the example of feeling sexy, when was the last time I felt sexy?

What were the circumstances? And how can I replicate those circumstances? Um, what thoughts or attitudes do I hold that make me feel sexy? And how do I hold myself back from feeling sexy? And what can I change moving forward? So this is actually a lot of work, right? So first you have to figure out, okay, how is it that I want to feel in order to get in the mood for sex?

Like, which feeling is absolutely essential? And let me just say that just [00:19:00] because you feel a feeling, let’s say my core erotic feeling is, oh, I need to feel sexy. That doesn’t mean that every time I feel sexy, I’m gonna be in the mood for sex. It’s not a guarantee of sex, it is just a prerequisite. that you experience that core erotic feeling or CEF, save myself some breath there.

So once I’ve figured out, okay, here’s my core erotic feeling, here’s the lifestyle adjustments I’m willing to make in order to make space and welcome that feeling into my life more, then if I have a partner or partners, I might also ask them for support. I might say, hey, I kind of figured out that When I feel like sexy and desired I’m more in the mood for sex and so here’s what I’m looking to feel Here’s why I want to feel it because it puts me in the mood and then I’m gonna get really Specific about how they can make me feel this way because honestly, I feel like if I came to you and said Oh, I want to feel sexy.

I Think I would have to be specific.

Brandon: Yeah, I definitely think you need to be You’d need, you would have to be specific because you want to feel sexy? Cool.

Dr. Jess: And I think [00:20:00] you just come up to me with your like, hey girl.

Brandon: That’s exactly what I was saying. I was

Dr. Jess: like, hey girl. Whereas I’m definitely a words person, a verbal person, an auditory person, and I would want to hear specific things and you are nothing close to a mind reader.

I’m giving you a hard time, but one thing I’ll say about you is even if something doesn’t come naturally to you, I know you’re super willing to learn. Even when something is awkward and uncomfortable and you feel silly doing it, you push through. So if I were to say to you, I want to feel sexy and you can make me feel sexy by kind of describing every part of my body that looks appealing to you, then I think you could do that, right?

And I think I might need to give some guidance around like, okay, I don’t like you to call it my cookie or I don’t like you to call them honkers or like, I’m joking again. But what we have to realize is that if we want other people to be a part of our process. If we want other people to be a part of, you know, getting excited with us and enjoying something [00:21:00] sexual or erotic or pleasurable, we have to be really specific about what we want.

I’m not saying I need to give you a play by play, and there’s gonna be learning. There’s definitely gonna be a learning curve, and I think you have to have a sense of humor about it as well.

Brandon: But doesn’t that ha doesn’t that kind of these same principles apply to other things? Like, I immediately think about my work, and the way I want something done by some of the people that work with me is I need to train them.

And I don’t mean, I just need to give them direction and once I’ve given them direction I give them the autonomy to also do things that work. And then I reap the benefits of that being done properly and well and I enjoy it.

Dr. Jess: In a way that works for you. Exactly. Right, and it’s the same thing when it comes to sex.

So you happen to manage one company and there are thousands of companies, Brandon’s in real estate, so there are thousands of other real estate companies in Toronto. Hundreds of thousands around the world.

Brandon: Yes. Hundreds of thousands in

Dr. Jess: Toronto. How many realtors are there in the 000 in the GTA. Exactly.

But, and so, if that assistant, for example, or administrator, were to go work for another realtor, and do [00:22:00] things the way you trained them It may be a fit for them and it may not and so obviously that makes perfect sense in business. The same applies when it comes to sex and so I think exploring this core erratic connection is just so valuable and we’re only talking about the beginning stages.

We’re just simply talking about getting in the mood for sex. We’re not even talking about mind blowing sex yet but again this is super relevant because so many people are coming to me with loss of libido, losing interest in sex, these differentials and desires. Difficulty not getting in the mood, not knowing how to seduce their partner.

So we wrote this whole book on seduction, and we dedicated a section just to the emotional. Because yes, we can share techniques, and we can share dirty talk, and we can share toys, and we can share positions, and we can share oral tips and tricks. But those pale in comparison to making your partner feel what it is they want to feel.

Now, Brandon mentioned that. His core erotic feeling is that he needs to feel relaxed. I use the example of [00:23:00] wanting to feel sexy and desired. But again, any core erotic feeling is perfectly fine, perfectly legitimate. Yours might be totally different. And I want to address the fact that there are some people who are going to say like, whatever, I’m in the mood no matter what.

I don’t care if I’m tired, mad, sad, glad, frustrated, angry, stressed, no matter what, I’m in the mood. And I would suggest, again, just based on observation, I’m not the gospel here. I would suggest that it may be that your core erotic feeling is really taken care of. And so I’m sort of in that camp where I think my core erotic feeling is feeling loved and, and safe, right?

I kind of see those two overlapping. And the truth is I always feel loved and safe with you. That doesn’t mean I always feel loved and safe with everyone, but with you, I always feel loved and safe. And it’s kind of amazing that my core erotic feeling, I’m lucky, is so tied in this relationship to what we’ve cultivated together.

However, my core erotic feeling being [00:24:00] taken care of and addressed and kind of like, no matter what’s going on, even if we’re fighting, even if I’m frustrated, you know, even if I’m in a super bad mood because I’m on my period, I feel Loved and safe. But, but, but, but that does not mean I’m always in the mood for sex.

In fact, having my core erotic feeling taken care of is really good. ’cause it means I can get in the mood right kind of anytime, but it also can get a little bit boring, right? Like, so I feel loved and safe and I never wanna feel unloved, , or unsafe in the context of our relationship or real life. But I think that’s why my elevated erotic feelings are so rooted in the opposite.

I think that’s why I like the risk, I like the danger, I like the fear, I like the threat, I like feeling inadequate, not so much unloved, but I love feeling not good enough, and I do believe it’s because that CEF is fully taken care of. So for people who are saying, I’m always in the mood, I don’t care, it may be [00:25:00] that in the context of your life, Not necessarily just in the context of a specific relationship, but overall, the feeling that you need to feel to get in the mood for sex is something that you generally feel.

Like it’s, it is your baseline. And so for you, you probably don’t have a partner who feels the same way. I, it’s very, very rare. I never, almost never see a couple where both of them are like, Oh yeah, I’m always in the mood. Although it happens. For you, you’re gonna wanna really, um, learn about your partner’s, or part, multiple partner’s, core erotic feelings.

Or you’re going to want to tap into the elevated erotic feelings. Uh, and that’s where I think I, we can have so much fun with sex. Like, that’s why we can do kinky things. That’s why we can move into spaces that might feel threatening because that core erotic feeling has been addressed. And I’m actually kind of glad that in the beginning you brought up the fact that you like to feel desired.

And I do think that if we parse it out, yes, you like to feel desired, but it’s not necessary to sex for you. And that’s the difference between an elevated erotic feeling and a core erotic feeling. So the elevated erotic feelings [00:26:00] are just feelings that take sex to the next level and you can have lots of them.

Your core erotic feeling is absolutely essential to getting in the mood for sex and really enjoying

Brandon: it. Yeah. And when you differentiate between those two, I absolutely agree. I mean, I would say that the relaxation has to be there because if I don’t, then the other feelings just pale and like they, they don’t have the same impact.

And I think you really hit the nail on the head. It’s like, I’m stressed, if I’m super stressed and that other feeling is present, it doesn’t matter because I’m way too stressed to enjoy. Yeah,

Dr. Jess: and actually I think stress is a, or de stressed, because you need to feel relaxed, is a great example of how to use some of these prompts that we will also include in the show notes.

You know, so what daily activities make you feel relaxed? What daily activities detract from that feeling? How do fundamental habits like sleep and eat affect this feeling? What adjustments can you make? When do you feel most relaxed? So you can use that, that kind of example of all of those prompts to work through any of these feelings.

And then it really, to me, puts the responsibility with you. Like it’s not my [00:27:00] job to seduce you by relaxing you. Sure, I can be a part of it. And of course I want to help you relax, but it is your job, right? way that I can make you relax if you have been on your phone super late, if you’re in the middle of a deal, if you’re talking to people who stress you out, if you’re not doing the things that like, for example, I know you need to exercise, you like to eat well, you like, you like to be on a regular sleep schedule.

Those are the things that help you to de stress and none of those is a lube or a sex toy or a technique or anything I can say or do

Brandon: to you. Yeah, and a lot of those things that you’re just saying, I mean, I think about my routine and And just leading up to when, you know, I, I am relaxed. It’s, it’s like, if I’m turning off all my devices, if I’m stretching, if I’m just breathing, if I’m chilling out, when you and I get together, honestly, I am in the mood or I’m, I’m more inclined to be in the mood as opposed to, okay, I’m on my phone, let’s hang out now.

And, you know, no, the feeling of wanting to be sexual is not there.

Dr. Jess: And so that’s why I just, I think this conversation is absolutely essential as a reflection individually, and then also [00:28:00] with, with partners. So, I thought that it would be helpful to share some real stories of people’s core erotic feelings.

So I have some from the book, From the Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay, that I thought I would read you from these various people. Their names have been changed, their ages are I don’t think we changed the ages. So, Donna who’s 29 says, in response to her core erotic feeling, I just need to feel relaxed.

I cannot be thinking about work or kids or family or anything else that stresses me out. So what I’ve learned is that I have to cut myself off from work a few hours before we go to bed because if I keep checking emails, I’ll still have my head in the work game and sex is never gonna happen. So that’s sort of like you, right?

Boom. Feelin it. All right. Jazz, who’s 31, says, My girlfriends and I have talked about this, and so many agree that we want to feel desired, like the object of desire. If you make me feel sexy, I’ll probably want you too. I know you are going to tell me that I have to make myself feel sexy, and I know you’re right, but really the thing that pushes me over the edge to [00:29:00] actually have sex is when my lover lets me know that they really want me.

And that’s a super common one. Ah, that’s somebody from one of my workshops, actually. Okay, Lalani, who’s 30, says, I’ve always had a strong sex drive, but once I’ve been with a partner for a few months, I tend to lose interest. I think it has to do with being comfortable and knowing that I can have them. I guess I like the chase, and that’s why the core erotic feeling concept makes sense to me.

I need to feel some sort of challenge in order to really want sex. If there’s no risk, I’m just not feeling it. This is such an important one because we hear this all the time, like you’re into someone and then a couple weeks, a couple months, a couple years into the relationship, you just don’t want sex with them anymore.

And I do believe that for some people this is tied to the core erotic feeling of wanting to feel challenged. Now, does this mean you need to move on to someone who creates a challenge for you to get? Not necessarily. Once you’re able to identify that core erotic feeling, you can look for ways. to inject challenge into the relationship [00:30:00] in ways that work for both of you, right, depending on whether you’re a monogamous or maybe you have a non monogamous relationship.

I, I think you can absolutely make this work. And as someone who really, like, I really enjoy a challenge too, uh, we know that there are ways you can play with fantasy and role play and inject this without having to, you know, just move on from relationship to relationship every couple of months. Okay.

Paolo, who’s 27, says, As a straight guy, I don’t really have the same opportunities to feel hot or desired. Even saying this sounds cheesy, which reminds me of how gendered our expectations are when it comes to sex. Yes, yes. My girlfriend gets it everywhere she goes. She’d probably say it’s too much, which I totally get.

But for me, No one really tells me that they want me and with all of my exes our sex life was really reflective of gender stereotypes so they expected me to come on to them since I’m the guy. It would always get to the point that I’d be frustrated or bored because I never got a chance to feel desired and I was always the one dealing with a rejection, something we talked about recently.[00:31:00]

The framework of the core erotic feeling makes things clearer for me. I want to be wanted and my girlfriend can make me feel wanted. Just by looking at me, touching me, complimenting me, and flirting. That’s how I want to be seduced. I do the same for her but in a different way because she wants to feel challenged.

It’s actually a good fit but we will switch it up because I know what it’s like to always be the seducer and I don’t want her to get bored. I love that insight.

Brandon: That’s. Great, Paolo.

Dr. Jess: Insightful. Okay, here’s another relaxed and de stressed one. Toby, who’s 38, says, I definitely need to feel relaxed and de stressed.

That’s the key to seducing me. Help me to relax. Help out with some of the tasks around the house. It’s not seductive in a sexual way, but it is a part of it. When my partner helps with dinner, dishes, or even organizing our finances, I can feel relaxed and get in the mood for sex, whether I’m being seduced or doing the seducing.

So that kind of goes back to the practical piece that you brought up. Okay, Juliana, who’s 40, says, If you really want to seduce me, you need to make me feel, ooh, taken care of. I do not want to be tasked with responsibilities [00:32:00] or feel pressure to perform in any way. I just want to feel like you’re willing to take control of the situation so that I can relinquish my need to be in control.

It’s not that I want to feel dominated. If I had to sum it up in one word, I guess I want to feel catered to. Interesting. All right, maxiewhos33 says, I want to feel confident. I know what makes me feel confident and what erodes my confidence. On my end, I need to hang out with certain people like my older sister and avoid others like my younger sister.

I also need to practice yoga because it helps me feel more grounded and connected to my body. On my lover’s end, I just need her to show up for me. When she’s really present, I feel more worthy. I love these so much. I forgot about how much I love these. Okay, Afton, who’s 35, says, If you want to seduce me, make me feel important.

Make me a priority and really listen. I don’t like talking for the sake of talking, but if she really makes me feel heard, I feel more connected to her. So for me, seduction isn’t about how you [00:33:00] touch me, but how you interact during the day, at dinner, and in all the interactions that lead up to hooking up.

Yes. Okay, I like this short and sweet one. Lee, who’s 34, says, I want attention. Make me feel like the center of your world, and I’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand. Look at me, touch me, smell me, talk to me. Talk about me when I’m not around. If you are attentive, I feel sexy and that puts me in the mood for sex.

They know what they want. I love this. I’m so lucky because oftentimes I’ll talk about the core erotic feeling in the workshops and then people will kind of work through to figure out what their core erotic feelings are. And for me, it’s so exciting to watch people kind of switch from thinking they’re just gonna learn like a technique or how to use their hands or how to use their mouth or even a communication exercise.

Not that this doesn’t obviously involve some communication, but it’s actually pretty simple. Right? How do I want to feel? Let me make myself feel that way and you can help

Brandon: me. Yeah, but hearing what other people feel and what, what works for them, I think gives some context and gives some [00:34:00] examples for people to kind of build upon.

So for that reason, plug in the book. I think it’s great. Yeah,

Dr. Jess: I love it. I love it. I also, my observation, again, with the core erratic feeling is that it’s rather constant and enduring. That doesn’t mean like you have to pick one. Um, and it doesn’t mean that it can’t change over time, but my observation with people is that it tends to remain fairly constant whereas the elevated erotic feelings like the really exciting ones that you can play with that we’ll talk about next week they can change and they can really change according to how you’re feeling about yourself how you’re feeling with partners i know for so many people who menstruate they’ll tell me it changes with their cycle and i’ve personally observed that as well so we can talk about that next week So I think that’s a good place to start, not to start to finish.

I hope, I hope folks will use some of these, I think, reflections to just think about what your core erotic feeling is, how you want to feel before, during, and after sex, what you can do to make space for more of that core erotic feeling in your life, how to eliminate some of the hindrances to your core erotic [00:35:00] feeling, and then hopefully start a conversation with a lover, with a friend, uh, with anyone that I think could gain from your insight because, you know, I kind of made these observations and put this theory together, but I’ve learned so much more just from hearing from people who have put it in to practice.

And in the book, we actually use a case study with, with a couple. It’s funny because the, the names we chose were, I think, Brian and Jasmine in the book, the B and the J, like you and me. And they sound a lot like you and me, but it’s not you and me. It’s a totally different couple. Um, I should have just used us.

It would have been easy. But, uh, yeah, I really hope you will use. This concept to kind of explore your own erotic emotional connection and next week we get into the really fun stuff around the Elevated erotic feelings which takes sex to the next level and it’s nothing particularly complex But I think really valuable nonetheless.

So thank you, babe. Are you feeling relaxed?

Brandon: I am

Dr. Jess: Oh, that’s always what he says when I’m in the mood, uh oh.

Brandon: Is

Dr. Jess: it that I say uh oh? I’m [00:36:00] pretty sure that’s, uh, that was your response when I first met you. I was like, hey, are we hanging out? And you’re like, uh oh. What’s

Brandon: happening? I didn’t say uh oh, but I certainly didn’t respond with the words that you need to get into the mood.

Dr. Jess: That’s for sure. I was at a loss. Well, thank you for chatting. Thank you so much, folks, for listening. Thank you of course, to Adam and for their ongoing support of this podcast. Use code DRJESS50 ( 5-0) DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any item plus free goodies and free shipping. Adam and wherever you’re at, folks, have a great one.

Outro: You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.