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February 17, 2022

Quick Connection Exercise for Couples

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Want to boost connection & appreciation in a matter of minutes? In this episode, we work our way through this short activity, One Thing I Love About You. You can try it with a partner or anyone else you love. It’s simple and you can power through it in a few minutes if you keep things short and sweet. Use these prompts to get started:

• One thing I love about your body…
• One thing I love about your voice…
• One thing I love about your energy/aura…
• One thing I love about your touch…
• One thing I love about your personality…
• One thing I love about your character…
• One thing I love about how you interact with others…
• One thing I love about how you treat me…
• One thing I love about your…

This exercise is excerpted from The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay: Techniques & Strategies for Mind-Blowing Pleasure by Jessica O’Reilly & Marla Renee Stewart. This book is full of advice and activities designed to help you better understand and communicate sexual needs, desires, and values. Order your copy here.

 

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Updated – Quick Connection Exercise for Couples

Intro: You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

Brandon: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co host Brandon Ware here with my always lovely other half, Dr. Jess.

Dr. Jess: I’m just here celebrating man. I’m celebrating you. It’s your birthday. It was yesterday.

Kind of a big deal. Yeah, such a big deal that I was out of town for work and just flew in this morning. That’s all good. Made you come pick me up. Not made you, but you came to the airport at 6 a. m. I’ve been up since I guess the equivalent of 2 a. m. here and we’re feeling good. I’m, I’m actually feeling fine.

I’ve got the adrenaline rush because I just have started another speaking tour. I’m finally feeling like I’m getting back to work. Pretty excited. We are going to do a quickie podcast on that note. Yes. Because we have, I have another flight to catch. Yeah, which is great. A farther flight off to an exciting place for other work [00:01:00] prospects.

So, and Brandon’s joining me. Mm hmm, looking forward to it. In Barcelona. Barcelona. You have a friend in Spain. Brandon has a, the equivalent of, I guess it’s the modern day pen pal. Yes, I have a pen pal. I do. But they, what do you, explain what you do, because I think it’s really cool. I

Brandon: went onto a website where you can communicate with other people who are trying to learn your language.

So I’ve been trying to learn Spanish for years, and I’m off and on and off and on, and I think speaking the language is a great way to learn it. So I went on and posted a message, and Jose, who lives in Spain replied, and we’re now great friends. And the communication is slow and

Dr. Jess: steady. So you, you meet with him.

Yes. 30 minutes. Is that what it is? Yeah, 30 45 minutes and we chat. And you spend half of the time speaking English and helping him with his English and then he spends half the time. I spend half

Brandon: the time screwing up his English and then he spends, I know I ask you questions. Brandon called

Dr. Jess: me into the room the other day, he’s like, what’s a past participle?

Yeah, I was

Brandon: like, I don’t know, that’s just not right.

Dr. Jess: But you know how to say it, you just don’t know the names of the parts of speech because you’re cooler than me. [00:02:00] Yeah, exactly. Alright. Great. With that said, we’re going to dive into our conversation today. As I said, it’s going to be a quick one and this is The Lover’s Inquiry from The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay, which I co authored with Marla Renee Stewart.

And I really feel so good about this book because I think it’s not just chock full of you know, I think meaningful theories and some case studies and examples, but also exercises that people can do on their own or with a partner. And yeah, I wish, you know, as an author, I don’t know how much I can say here, but you know, depending on which publisher you have, that’s kind of how much circulation your book gets.

And I just think that this book is well, how do you say it? It’s like fighting below its weight class. It’s punching below.

Brandon: Punching. I think that’s what it is.

Dr. Jess: It’s kicking below. Anyhow, really cool book. Please do check it out. There’s links in my Instagram. It’s on all the big sites as well as check your local bookstores.

Before we get to that, need to shout out our sponsor AdamandEve. com. They’ve extended the 50 percent code this [00:03:00] week. So 50 percent off almost any single item plus free shipping and a bunch of free little gifts for you too with code DRJESS50 ( 5-0) DRJESS50 Everything from latex wear to lingerie to strap ons. to butt plugs and everything in between, because there’s a lot of space in between, I guess.

There is. Maybe not a lot of space between the strap on and the butt plug, but they have nipple

Brandon: clamps. You mean, yeah, actual space, yeah, there’s probably not too much, but go have some fun.

Dr. Jess: Yes, adamandeve. com code DRJESS50 ( 5-0) DRJESS50. And so, let’s move into our lover’s inquiry. So this exercise is called One Thing I Love About You, and it’s in the section around So, emotional erotic connection.

So, you know, we’re trying to help people to understand the roles emotions play in sexual desire and arousal and pleasure and fulfillment, and give people exercises just to keep talking about what they want, what they don’t want, what their boundaries are. But this specific exercise is about appreciation and learning to [00:04:00] Identify what you appreciate, but also to verbalize it.

So, as usual, Brandon’s going to be put on the spot. Although you did read the book. This is the first one you’ve actually read. Cover to cover. Cover to cover. A couple of times when you were helping me comb through it. So this is One Thing I Love About You. And it goes through a series of things you love about a partner or a friend or yourself.

Most of them could be used platonically. I think maybe only, oh, no, I think you could appreciate anyone’s body. So here it is. One Thing I Love About Your Body is One thing I love about your voice, one thing I love about your energy, one thing I love about your touch, one thing I love about your personality, your character, about the way you interact with others, about how you treat me, and you can just go on and on and add your own.

Brandon: Is this, are you going to be firing these questions at me? Do I have to answer on the spot or do I get to, do I get to go into

Dr. Jess: detail? Yeah, we can just chat a little knowing that also we have a flight to catch. Yeah, for sure. So do you want to start or do you want me to start? Let’s do it. I’ll start. Okay.

So. One thing I love about your body [00:05:00] is, and I want you to like say the whole sentence because I think it’s good practice. One

Brandon: thing I love, oh, there’s so many things I love about your body, but right now this isn’t one thing. The one area that I love, I love your face. I love your smile. I love your eyes.

It just, there’s so much comfort I take out of it. There’s so much like there’s so, there’s support, empathy. It’s also, you know, you give me the sexy eyes, which I like too. I know. I mean, you’re not doing it right now. I am not. No. Right now you’re giving me the confused eyes.

Dr. Jess: Do I give you sexy eyes more than I roll my eyes?

Brandon: Yes, definitely. And I, I know people are like, that’s silly. You love her face. I’m like, I just, it just calms me down. I feel like when my heart is racing, I, and I think about your face and I think about, you know, and yeah, I’m stumbling over my words, but that’s what I, right now, that’s what I’m, I also love your

Dr. Jess: butt.

Thank you, . I love you. Okay. One thing, I love everything about your body. I, I love your arms. I love just like how big you are around [00:06:00] me, and it feels strong, and I don’t know, I just really like your arms. I always liked them when I met you, and I still really like them.

Brandon: Cool. I’ll

Dr. Jess: remember to keep working on them.

No, I mean, but I like them anyway. I just, I don’t know, they’re, I think because they envelop me. Yeah. And maybe, like, it’s not even about, like, size, but they just feel strong. You’re stronger than me, for sure. It’s a competition. Everything’s a competition. Everything’s a competition. You win. All right. Oh, I’ll go first on this one.

And I’m kind of scared for you to have to answer this one. One thing I love about your voice. It’s just that it’s so, like, so calming, so soothing. I’m totally an auditory lover, an auditory person. I’m very, very attracted to voices, which I’m sure people are thinking, Well, that’s ironic because your voice is so annoying, Jess, but It is what it is.

I really just love the tone of your voice. It’s often measured and calm and Oh, I also like kind of when you get mad. Really? Really? Okay. Not at me, but like when you [00:07:00] sometimes, because you’re so calm, when you freak out about something it’s kind of

funny.

Brandon: Yeah, usually over something stupid. Can’t believe the worms are in this thing!

The what? Something dumb. Worms? Yeah. I’ll be like in a potted plant and I get mad at

Dr. Jess: worms. You should get mad at worms and potato bugs. I don’t like potato bugs. So what’s the

Brandon: line I have to say?

Dr. Jess: One thing I love about your

Brandon: voice. So one thing I love. No, I, I do have something I love about your voice. So the one thing I love about your voice is the energy in your voice.

I love the positivity in your voice. And I think that that’s just, that carries through from, you know, your, your attitude and your approach. But every time I talk to you, it’s always, it’s always uplifting. So the energy in your voice is really what resonates with

Dr. Jess: me. Thank you. I’m going to leave it at thank you because I have a lot to say on that, but I’m just going to soak it up, soak it up.

Next is one thing I love about your energy or your aura.

Brandon: The, the one thing I love about your energy and your aura is that it’s, it’s loving and it’s caring. I feel like [00:08:00] you love and care for everyone, even the people who bother you. Yeah. I think that you still want good for them, which I think. Even they don’t realize, but I think you’re always approaching things from that perspective, which I, I value.

Dr. Jess: Thank you. Does that include the guy who called me a washed up bar hag or something last week? I want to punch him in the face. Yeah, do I still feel love for him? But I do feel love for him. That’s what I said to you. I feel badly that somebody felt that they needed to say that on Twitter. Like I, I wasn’t even talking to him.

But he just saw a video of me and said, what did he call me? A washed up bar skank? Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. How did he know that I worked in a bar and that I dress like skanky? How did he know that? But it was just, even

Brandon: in that environment, even in that situation, you still said I feel Bad that this person feels this way, you know, like I feel bad.

And I, I wonder what they’re going through that they feel the need to convey this to me on this platform. And, you know, for me, I immediately go to the knee jerk reaction, which is just anger and frustration and wanting to fire something back, but you approach it from a different, from a different [00:09:00] angle and it makes me, it makes me do that or at least want to do it.

So your actions make me want to be a better person. Doesn’t always work out that way, but. I love that there’s this back and forth where, I mean, I think that I do some of the same for you. I’m not sure how, but there definitely are circumstances where I’m sure you want to take a page out of my book and I want to take a page out of yours.

So I think, you know, living a life like that means that inevitably you’re going to, things are going to get better. I hope.

Dr. Jess: As you describe it, I’m like, is it that I’m empathetic or is it an avoidance mechanism, a trauma response? Cause I don’t want to fight with anyone, but we’ll leave that for another time.

Okay, baby, your energy, you’re very present. One thing I really love is that you’re just really present. And I said that from the moment I met you. That when you are looking at me or talking to someone, like, you’re really into them. And, yeah, it’s a lot when you, like, look at me. It feels piercing and it’s lovely.

But yeah, I just really appreciate that. I mean, also, [00:10:00] you know what? I’m gonna leave it at one thing. I mean, I should be literal. It’s one thing, Jessica. One thing. One thing I love about your touch? You’re so good at balancing being gentle. And being rough. And knowing when, or reading what it is I like, or responding to my feedback.

Brandon: Hmm. One thing I love about your touch is your ice cold fingers.

Dr. Jess: What about my toes? Don’t leave my toes out. I know, my

Brandon: gosh, you’re always, your hands and feet are always so cold. And you know, just to play and have a little bit of fun on that, I, I like it. Because it gives me, it makes me think I can do something for you.

You know, I can warm your hands, I can warm your feet. Can you though? I don’t know, I mean I hope I can increase the blood flow to those peripheries. But, you know, it’s just, you know, it doesn’t always, I think maybe in this, in this dialogue, in this conversation, it doesn’t always have to be, I don’t have to spend 10 minutes thinking about things.

You can just kind of fire off, right, and have some fun with it. For sure.

Dr. Jess: All right, let’s do that. One thing I love about your personality. One thing

Brandon: I love about your personality is, okay, you’re so funny. You’re so funny. There you go. I’ve given it to you. It’s on the [00:11:00] record. It’s been recorded. It’s on the interweb forever.

Dr. Jess: I gotta tell you, I got to, you know, give this workshop yesterday and it was so fun just joking around again, like getting to land my regular jokes and like on the spot come up with new jokes and it just, it’s, I am hilarious. Okay. You suffer from what was it? High self esteem. High self esteem. I mean, I, I think I’m hilarious.

But babe, I cannot, that’s exactly what I would say about you. One thing I love about your personality is that you make me laugh, you make old people laugh, you make, you can also joke around with kids. Your sense of humor. Is immature. Immature? Oh my gosh. Go watch

Brandon: me almost pee my pants on Jess’s Instagram page when we were playing Cards Against Humanity with How old are your cousins?

Dr. Jess: 10 and 12 or 10 and Yeah, so we bought them the family edition. Yes, I should have said that, sorry. And we were playing Cards Against Humanity and the card was Me and my friends, we’re not into dolls anymore. We’re more into Oh no, me and my friends, we don’t play with dolls anymore. We’re more [00:12:00] into Blank now.

And so, I had a card, and it was the last round, winner take all. I had a card. My Nasty Cousin Tammy, or something like that, My Nasty Cousin Something, so it would have been It would have been a winner. Me and my friends, we don’t play with dolls anymore. We’re more into My Nasty Cousin Tammy now. But I didn’t play it because I was like, oh, this is a family game.

You know, it was my two cousins and their mom. And, or my, they’re like my cousins kids. Anyhow. What did she play?

Brandon: Me and my friends, we’re not into dolls anymore. We’re into my mom’s friend, Donna now. And at the time, if you look at that Instagram video, my eyelid, like my eyebrows, sorry, pops up because the shock when I read that.

I, I, it hurt so bad, I was laughing, I

Dr. Jess: couldn’t even talk. I just want to watch that video over and over again because your laughter is infectious, your pure joy in it is infectious. Oh, it

Brandon: was the best, it was, I don’t feel like I laugh that hard that often anymore [00:13:00] and when it just, it felt so good, like it felt like, Crying, you know, when you were crying, I was crying

Dr. Jess: because I was filming it because I was like the whole game He was just having too much fun with this kids version So the options were my mom’s friend donna ice p which for some reason I don’t know.

That was funny Killed you. I was dying buttholes buttholes. That was super something else about like wet farts or something like that Yeah,

Brandon: but I mean Listen, you got to know your judge when you’re playing that game and, you know, play immature Buttholes butthole jokes and

Dr. Jess: I’m gonna laugh if you don’t if you’re not familiar with cards against humanity There’s a main card and then every where it’s like there’s a fill in the blank usually And then everyone else gets to play their cards to fill in the blank and then the person with the main card picks the winner So I should have given some context there, but it’s been around a while I think most people know it so back to this your personality.

It is absolutely your sense of humor with it I appreciate most. And actually when we think about the language of this, it’s not about hierarchy. I appreciate this the most. It’s just one thing. So we could do it faster, but one of [00:14:00] us is is wordy. One thing I love about your character is that you’re You just do the right thing.

Brandon: Yeah. I was going to say the

Dr. Jess: same. Yeah. You always, I actually think that is a core value that unites us. I think also I look at my parents marriage and although they’re not together, I think that was the important core value and what I took from both of them. And I think it came from my grandparents, at least on my mom’s side.

I don’t know my dad’s side, but really like it was about honesty. And that doesn’t mean I’m always honest or, and I haven’t done bad things and I haven’t like, you know, done things that I regret. Bye.

Brandon: I know, I know exactly what you’re thinking about right now.

Dr. Jess: I’m thinking about, like, this thing that I did when I was 20.

And somebody brought it up recently. My dad brought it up last week and I’m like, he can’t remember anything at all, but he remembers this story and likes to, like, embarrass me with it. But, and also I feel really bad about this thing that I did. I don’t know that it was, should I just tell the story? No, I don’t think you

Brandon: should.

I think you should just let it go. And I think it was something that happened. Was it

Dr. Jess: so [00:15:00] bad no one should know? No, I’m just gonna tell it. I think that, like, I, we all do bad things, so, like, I

Brandon: say, let, what is the saying? Let sleeping dogs lie. Oh my gosh,

Dr. Jess: you’re really, you’re, okay, you know what? You’re a better judge of everything than me, so we’ll leave it at that another time.

But anyhow, I did something that I regretted, and my dad was there, and he What is bringing it up still today? So the character piece is good that, you know, we took from our parents, but the holding it over our heads, maybe not so much. All right. Oh, do you want, oh, we agreed on the same thing for character there.

Okay. One thing I love about how you interact with others. One

Brandon: thing I love about how you interact with others is I love how you make people feel included. Like I like how no matter what we’re doing, you always want to make sure that everybody’s having a good time, comfortable, well fed, you know, they’re not thirsty, that they have a place to sit and that they’re enjoying themselves.

So I, I, I’ve, I really appreciate, I love that. about you. I know that you’ll always take care of

Dr. Jess: everyone. I always feel like I’m the host even if I’m [00:16:00] not hosting. Yes,

Brandon: you absolutely act that way. This is my house, this is my

Dr. Jess: party. I got this. No, that wine doesn’t go with that meat. What I love about the way you interact with others is that you’re just charming.

Like, people like you and I love that I can bring you anywhere. Like, I love to show you off and I don’t mean your appearance. I mean just your personality. I know that I can take you anywhere with any group and You’re going to either entertain or sit back and listen and kind of know when it’s time to step up and know when it’s time to sit back.

Well, that’s something

Brandon: I’ve only learned over the last handful of years, but yes, I feel like there is a time to speak and there is a time to listen. And I’m trying to do my best to know when to do that. I

Dr. Jess: think it’s quite intuitive for you, honestly. I think you’ve, I know that you’re more conscious of it now, and more conscious of the, the different, you know, intersections, and reasonings behind it, but I think you’ve always had an intuition

Brandon: for it.

I’m learning. I’m learning. A little bit, every day. So how many more do we have? Let’s do

Dr. Jess: one more. One more? Okay. Alright. One thing I love about how you treat me, you just, [00:17:00] the one word I have for the way you treat me is that you’re supportive. Anything I want to do, Anything at all. Become a freaking sexologist.

Like, you know, have this job that keeps me away all the time, but I love it. Any of the weird stuff that, I don’t know, any interest I have. Like, I want to collect wine. Or, I want to collect wine. No, I’m

Brandon: just kidding. Sorry, what’s the

Dr. Jess: third thing? I want to collect wine? Or like different. Investments that I’ve wanted to make, or companies that I’ve wanted to support through investment, I, I just feel like you’re always on board.

So give

Brandon: me that line again. The one thing I love about How you treat me. How you treat me. I would have said supportive too, so to not piggyback off that. I, I also love how you challenge me. Mm. I love how, like, kind of the opposite of that, where when I do bring, well, no You mean how I’m contrarian? But in a caring way, I feel like when I have an idea, when I have a concept, when I have a you know, something You’re not a yes person.

You’re not, no, you’re not, you’re not always going to just unilaterally agree with me behind closed doors like when we’re having a conversation. You

Dr. Jess: know, the Jamaican side where the answer is always no, no, [00:18:00] no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I love that. I’m inclined to be self critical here, but I’m just going to let this.

Brandon: No, but I do. I love that. There’s always that. Caring, supportive, kind of questioning, but not in a way that makes me feel like what I’ve asked is silly or, or not, you know, is, is unintelligent or anything like that. It’s more just like, have you thought about this? Or have you thought about that? And honestly, I feel like it makes me, or it makes me make more accurate decisions.

So, you know, if I didn’t say supportive, that’s the first thing I thought of, I would say that gentle kind of questioning. Which is, thank you for that.

Dr. Jess: Alright, well, thank you. So that was short and sweet, right? Lover’s Inquiry, one thing I love about you. We’ll post the prompts in the show notes and hopefully people will give it a try.

I would love for people to do it about themselves. Could you do that super quickly? Yeah, absolutely. And we don’t have to do all of them. Like, I don’t know if you have to love your voice, but one thing you like about your body.

Brandon: That’s a [00:19:00] question? My neck. Really? You know, it’s really weird, but I do like my neck.

I don’t know why. Okay. Yeah, anyway, I won’t get into

Dr. Jess: it, but yes. One thing you like about your own energy?

Brandon: Oh wow, I don’t, I actually, geez, you’re putting me on the spot, my own energy? I, I think I’m, I’m always, I mean, trying. I’m always pushing through. I feel like I’m always making an effort. I don’t know if that really answers the question.

Fair

Dr. Jess: enough. Anything you like about yourself is good. I’m going to lob this one up for you. One thing you love about your own touch. It’s soft. It’s

Brandon: so caring. Like firm. It’s strong, but

Dr. Jess: yeah. And rhythmic, and it’s at a medium pace. How did I lob

Brandon: that up and you didn’t take it? Oh my gosh, you remind me of Adam Sandler’s medium

Dr. Jess: pace.

Yeah. What do you like about your own personality? I know what you’re gonna say. I

Brandon: think I’m, I mean, I think I’m funny. You are. I mean, I think I tell some jokes sometimes.

Dr. Jess: One thing you like about your character.

Brandon: Ah, I, you know. Honestly, it feels weird to answer these questions, like if I [00:20:00] had to be honest, like I feel uncomfortable Saying good stuff about yourself.

Saying good things about myself, and what does that say, right?

Dr. Jess: I think it’s, it’s human, nobody wants to like get up here and brag. No, I mean. We want

Brandon: to humbrag. We want to humbrag, yeah. No, I, I, I do think like, ethically, I always try to do the right thing. I think that that’s, it’s important to me, and the times when I haven’t, oh, it eats at me.

Good

Dr. Jess: thing my dad wasn’t there the time you didn’t do something. Oh my god, yeah, funny. One thing you like about the way you interact with others or treat others, I think, is a better way

Brandon: to say it. I think I try to treat others with respect. I think it’s very important. I don’t care who you are, or like, meaning, like, what you do, where, anything.

I feel like everybody is deserving of my

Dr. Jess: respect. Yeah, and you’re quite loving toward people. I just

Brandon: And kind. You’re kind. Yeah, maybe kind, but I just, I feel like everybody is As a default, you should have my respect and my kindness. Like I feel like that’s the minimum. I should be offering every single person [00:21:00] that I meet.

Dr. Jess: I don’t know if we can flip this one around. One thing you love about how you treat yourself. Do you practice self compassion?

Brandon: I don’t, but I’ve started to, excuse me, I’ve been trying to be more forgiving of myself lately, and I don’t know how it’s working, but I, I think it, it does make me generally feel a little bit better, like just cutting myself some slack, because I think the idea before was always like, go hard with everything that you do, whether it’s work, it’s play, it’s personal.

And lately I’m just like, you know what, I got to take it easy today. Or I’m going to take some time and I’ve been doing some meditative, just short breathing practice. And you know what, I think it’s feeling better. Like, I think it’s, it’s, check, let’s check back in on that in another few

Dr. Jess: months. We talk so much about self care in our culture, but I think self compassion is something we need to talk about even more.

Well, you’re, it’s a new year for you. You’re 44. Yes, I am.

Brandon: Cinco dos, as they say. I’m just kidding. Yeah, I’m learning Spanish. It’s just a joke. I know, I know. Thank you. Okay, it was a bad joke.

Dr. Jess: I [00:22:00] got it. I totally didn’t get it. And we’re in the year of the tiger, too. We didn’t talk about that. Grrr. This is my mom’s year, I think.

Is it? Yeah, so it’s a fresh start, a year to practice self compassion. So, hopefully, folks, hopefully you’ll do the same and hopefully you’ll also give this exercise a try on your own or with a partner or with anyone that you love. One thing I love about you, you can check the show notes. And thanks for doing that, babe.

Brandon: Yeah, thank you. That was great. And you know what, I’m going to give a shout out to somebody who fired me a note. the other day kind of came in at a really nice time. And it was just a really nice, supportive, appreciative message. And you know what? Thank you. I appreciate that. I hope to, you know, kind of dive into your question a little bit more at a later time.

I thought it was a really great statement that you made. And anyway, really appreciate it. So thanks

Dr. Jess: so much. I get lots of positive feedback about you on the podcast. You always, yeah, you always downplay what you do and what you bring to the table. But people I, I think that, I mean, obviously your perspective is super valuable and you’re, you’re a lovely person and once in a while you make a joke that’s funny, so.

Clearly, not very often enough. I’m just [00:23:00] kidding. All right. for doing this. folks for listening. Once again, check out adamandeve. com for 50 percent off almost any single item plus free shipping plus some free goodies with code DRJESS50 ( 5-0) DRJESS50. Thanks for being here and have a great one wherever you’re at.

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