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January 6, 2022

Relationship Resolutions for 2022

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Want more pleasure and passion? How about more mindful connections and a boost in self-esteem? We don’t have all the answers, but we’re sharing a few resolutions and intentions for the new year — for happier relationships all around.

“Why Do I Love You Again Exercise” Questions from “The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay”, co-authored with Marla Renee Stewart.

1. Tell the story of when we first met?
2. What was the first thing you noticed about me?
3. What songs remind you of our early time together?
4. What first attracted you to me?
5. How have I changed for the better and grown since our early days?
6. What stood out about our first date?
7. Describe our first kiss.
8. What do you remember about our first sleepover
9. Or the first time we had sex?
10. What is an awkward moment that I wouldn’t want to re-live but we’re able to laugh about now?
11. What was the most memorable or hottest sex we’ve ever had? And what made it so memorable?

Our amazing sponsor Ioba Toys is offering 40% off this month with my discount code DRJESS! You can use my code on the OhMyG and OhMyC toys! The OhMyG is a G-Spot massager while the OhMyC is a clitoral massager that’s silent and fits in the palm of your hand.

If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here. As well, you can now record your messages for us! Please record your message/question in a quiet room and use your phone’s headphones with a built-in mic if possible.

And be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Recently, Jess joined Jeff and Carolyn on The Morning Show to discuss Relationship Resolutions. Check out the video below.

 

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Relationship Resolutions for 2022

You’re listening to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co host, Brandon, and we are here with my lovely other half. Dr. Jess. How are you? I’m good. Happy New Year. I know you and I are already happy each other up, but to all the folks out there, to you, I hope the first couple of days have been treating you well. I like a rebirth. You know? I like a rebirth. Yeah, I like a rebirth. I don’t like the visual that I get of thinking of a rebirth stop, because that’s literally what I was just thinking when I said rebirth. I thought about a giant man sized human coming out of a body with, like, mucus all over them. Welcome to 2022. We’re really messed up. No, but did you think of that for rebirth? Yeah, of course I thought about that. I think some people would think about religious rebirth born again. But for some reason, I think about the literal, I guess, visual not you thinking about or us thinking about a human full sized human jumping out. Do you not remember there was an old Saturday Night Live skit where she has a full sized human baby and she’s so annoying. I wish I knew the name of the actor, but let’s maybe take it back enough. Let’s take it back to normal. It’s the New Year, and we are going to talk New Year’s resolutions. Amazing. Let’s do it. Yeah. And this is going to be a quickie one, folks, because we are on a light work week. This was supposed to be like a holiday week, but it didn’t end up happening, but that’s okay. We’re just going to keep it a quickie and talk about New Year’s resolutions. Not everybody wants resolutions, but it doesn’t matter when you’re listening to this. I think any time you can set ideas or goals or strategies for yourself, it’s totally worth it. Before we dive into my seven ideas, I want to say thank you, but also a big shout out to Ioba toys. So Ioba makes these really interesting and unique toys called the Omic and the OMIG. So the Omicsi is a clot oral sex toy, so it’s a lay on vibe. It’s flat, like a computer mouse. It looks like a computer mouse, but it has a massaging Pearl that rotates at the top to massage all around the clitoris and really stimulate oral sex. And it’s really, really cool. It’s cool to watch. And then we have or feel the OMIG, which is a Gspot toy, and it’s got this kind of curve handle so that it fits internally against your Gspot, and then it has this massaging Pearl also, but it moves more in, like a up and down push pull come hither motion, and they’re Super Super quiet. They were developed in response to the fact that the creators found that the toys they were using were too loud, so they’re nice and quiet. Really cool. Very unique. I don’t know of others like them on the market. And it is iobatoise. Com. Ioba, if you want to check it out, iobatoise. Com and I have a discount code for you. The discount code. Oh, it’s a really big one. It’s 40% off with code. Doctor Jess, D-R-J-E-S-S. You’re buying directly from the manufacturer, and that’s a pretty good deal. So do go check them out. Iobatoise. Com code. Doctor Jess omic OMIG. You can check out some of the reals that I have on my Instagram as well. If you want to see what they look like and how they work because they’re pretty cool. Anytime I post them, I get lots of questions. So maybe your New Year’s resolution is to try something new. That’s a good option, but we want to talk about ours and just some ideas. I have New Year’s resolutions for relationships for couples. Babe, do you have any New Year’s resolutions? I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions. I find that I’m constantly making resolutions throughout the year. And although I like a fresh start, I like with January. And also I feel this way in September. I’m not going to wait until those dates to start. So it’s a really long way to answer your question. I don’t have a ton of New Year’s resolutions. So is there anything you want to do differently? Starting now? Starting right now. Amazon now? Yeah. Okay.

So let’s break it down. Are we talking personally? Are we talking within this relationship or just me as an individual? Just you, man. Just me, man. Yeah, for sure. I’m trying to engage in more meditative or more mindful practices, taking breaks throughout the day because I’ve been so irritable. I’ve been so stressed out over the last number of months. And as I’ve said to you, it’s been eroding away at the people and the energy that I want to give to people. And I recognize that really just taking the time to clear your mind is important. So that’s one of my resolutions to take a few breaks every day to practice that. Have you had one today? I have not yet had one today because we had start a little bit earlier than I had anticipated yesterday. You were saying you did something. I can’t remember who you were talking to. I’m not sure who I was talking to, but I did do something yesterday. Again, the practices can be three minutes. They can be 1 minute. They can be 25 minutes. So I’m using bite size, manageable ones that are about five minutes. I can’t do anything for 25 minutes. But you know what? For me, I’m a person who likes to see my progress. I like to see progress and the app that I’m using and what I have shows things like my heart rate, my body temperature, my breathing rate, my heart rate variability if I’m using that correctly. And so I find it really interesting because it’s almost like I’m gamified meditative practice. So what’s it called? I bought an aura ring. Aura? Yeah, it’s O-U-R-A. And it’s a ring. You wear it on your finger, not on another body part. There are toys like that. I believe that there are check your performance, but I like looking after, and you can see how my body responds beyond just my breathing and my heart rate. And I find it really interesting. So for me, it becomes a bit of a game where I’ll lie down and be like, I wonder how relaxed I can get in the next five minutes. Relaxation becomes a challenge, becomes a game I would get in my head. I would say, I like it. I like it. What about you? Mine. Every year, I say, I want to work on my sleep, right? I want to sleep better. I think I talked about this last week. Or maybe it was the week before. I can’t remember. I just want to simplify things and do less of the things that I don’t want to be doing because I struggle with people pleasing. And I say yes to a lot of things, and then I get really pissed off that I have to do them like, I get really mad at myself, and I’m like, Well, what’s wrong with you, Jessica? Why would you say yes to that? You know, you wouldn’t have liked that. So I kind of came up with a couple of questions that I’m going to ask myself before I respond to things because I’m also impulsive. We know that. And so I would like to return messages right away. And sometimes I don’t think so. I’ll just be like, yeah, I can do this. No problem. Or if I already have a lot going on in a day, I’ll add more to that. Yeah. So, you know, most people will be like, no, my day is full that day. I can’t do it. I’m like, Well, I’m already overloaded. I might as well more overload myself. And I’ll be like, if my first meeting was at seven, now I’ll take one at six. I really don’t make any sense. I’m pretty messed up person here as an outsider looking in through the pandemic. I’ve understood you’ve really packed your days because I get it. You’re like, okay, well, I’m going to jam pack this day so I can have the next day off. My concern with that is when as things are returning to normal next year, this is me being super optimistic and you’re giving more and more of these speeches like you did in the past. I’m concerned that your schedule will just be absolutely bananas. Yeah. And, well, part of the problem is, I think I like it bananas. Like, when I’m busy, I just want to do more sort of like, you know, if you have a drink and you want to have more drinks, shots, more shots? Yeah. No, I’m serious. And so because I have that impulsivity challenge, I came up with some questions that I’m going to use to decide whether or not something is a fit. So I know what my values are. I know very strongly why I do this work. Right. And so I want to ask myself, Does it align with my values? Is this project? Is this meeting? Is this potential collaboration aligned with reproductive rights, anti oppression, all the things that really, really matter to me. So that was one question. I can’t remember them now. The other one is like, Will I love it? Will I have fun? Right. And then tertiary I’m thinking about, is it good for my business, right? Is it good in that way? But the first two are what are really important to me. So I never really stopped and think about my values in that respect. I’m just like, yeah, I can do this. Can I make it happen? Like, why not squeeze in a radio interview during a 20 minutes layover? Like, I really need to get smarter in 2022. So yeah, anyhow. I said it was going to be a quickie, and then I just started talking about my own jazz. So let’s talk about some of these New Year’s resolutions that I think might be helpful in relationships with self and with partners.

The first is and I don’t know if this seems kind of obvious, but prioritize self pleasure. So when you’re in a relationship, we often think about our New Year’s resolutions should align with one another. But I think that the things that you do when you’re apart are really important. And hopefully pleasure is a part of that and really just thinking about setting some time aside for pleasure because we know that whether it’s sexual pleasure or other types of pleasure, they’re all associated with all these positive health outcomes, both for mental health and physical health. And so I was writing this in an article that I was writing for Astroglide, a loop company that I work with, the Lube company that I work with. And I was saying that if you have trouble carving out alone time, think about just kind of like doing it in the shower or if you have kids, take turns taking the kids out once a week so that you each get a turn to just be in the house alone for an hour. Like that happened to me. And I don’t know if I talked about it on this program, but a couple of weeks ago, you were out and you’re out at night. And I was so excited because it has been years and years. In fact, I cannot remember a time where I was alone in the house. Right. Because my dad is always here right now. I may be wrong. I’m sure I’ve had a night alone, but I can’t remember it over the last decade. What about travel? Do you feel? I mean, you spend so much time alone when you’re traveling. I know you’re also you’re constantly interacting. Dinner speeches. Oh, no, man. I love being in my hotel room. Yeah, because I was going to say you tell me that you enjoy being alone. I want to eat my club sandwich on white sheets that I don’t have to wash. I want to steal the small bottles of ketchup from the room. Oh, my gosh. I hate ketchup, and I’m cool with that because you have to bring it home and not me. True. No. Yeah, I do miss that about being in like, I miss being in my hotel room. But there’s also something really special about your house. This is our nest, right? Like it’s my plants, my bed, my stuff. So just think about spending time alone and making self pleasure as much of a priority as partnered interaction. So that’s number one just something to think about. And by the way, you don’t have to do any of these. They’re just ideas. Number two for couples. Can you take a trip down memory Lane with the Why do I Love You again? Exercise from my book. So the book that I co authored with Marla Renee Stewart never want to quote it without shouting out Marla. So this is an exercise from the book that allows you to reminisce about the past and kind of just remember those things you were feeling and potentially reinvigorate some of the neurochemicals associated with that excitement and passion that you experienced when you first met. So there are eleven questions that I have on the list, and you don’t have to do them in order. But can you take, I don’t know, like a cocktail hour or tea time or a meal to just sit with your partner and have this conversation? So I’ll go through the questions right now. Number one, tell the story of when we first met. Number two, what was the first thing you noticed about me? Number three? What songs remind you of our early time together? Do you know what song reminds you, lady? Oh, my God. That’s exactly what I was going to say. And I was going to sing it. You do it. No, I don’t want to sing it at all. Okay, I know I have a fast music because of where we work. The feeling is just so right as we. Yes, that would have been better just to save a name and the artist rather than trying to say it. You’re welcome, everyone. I apologize. Listen, if you turned on Shazam right now, they just call it a cacophony. Okay, so next, what first attracted you to me? How have I changed for the better and grown since our early days? What stood out about our first date? Describe our first kiss.

What do you remember about our first sleepover or the first time we had sex. What is what the kids are calling it these days? Sleepover. What was your first sleepover? No, let’s not complain. What is an awkward moment that I wouldn’t want to relive, but we’re able to laugh about now and what was, like, the most memorable or hottest sex we’ve ever had. And what made it so memorable. So just like it’s a reminiscing activity. So I’ll put the questions in the show notes as well. But just I think taking that trip down memory Lane can be fun. And in fact, I do this one in that 50 video course as well that I do with people allowing them to revisit. So that’s number two, number three for the new year. Give more compliments. Like, be generous with compliments when something you’re amazing at giving compliments. Oh, my God. I just broke the rule for number four. Oh, my God. Okay, that was awesome. And think about complementing. Not just the way people look like sense of humor and communication and attitude and energy and skill and all sorts of behaviors and personality traits and strengths and attributes. You’re so funny. Is it about the delivery? Hang on. Thank you so much for saying that. I am very funny because you are funny. You’re really funny. No, my next tip was to really soak in compliments. Like, let’s have a year where rather than focusing on the things that people do to make us feel badly and listen, I don’t want to discount that there’s a lot of hurt out there, and there are a lot of messages and norms and systems that are designed to harm people to hold people down. But that aside, can we literally be sponges? And anytime anybody says something nice to you, soak it up. Close your eyes. Well, I mean, not if you’re looking at them, make it weird. Close your eyes and repeat it three times with your mouth only just mouth to compliment, and then they will not compliment you again. I am beautiful. I don’t want Jessica to do that again. It made me feel awkward. I really struggle with this. And I would love to think more about why I struggle with this, because I have a bit of an idea. It’s like if I don’t accept the compliment, I’ll work harder. I’ll do more. I’ll try to be a better version, but as a child, I remember people saying things to me and me brushing it off me not accepting it. It’s like this, but I could have worked harder. I could have done this. I’m still the same. I really need to. You know what? Shower me. Shower me with compliments. I have so much to say about it. You know what? Let’s keep it for another time. No, I want to say one thing, and I’m sure I’ve said it before me already deflecting away. Did I just deflect away? Maybe. But one thing I admire about you so much is that you’re always willing to, like, try new things. So you know how people will listen to ideas and they’ll be like, oh, that’s a good idea. Or they’ll just poopoo an idea because they don’t want to give it a try. I love to poopoo. Anyway, the year of the giggles and bad jokes. But for real, you always just try new things. Like, even if it feels silly, you try it.

Oh, here’s the other thing. You’re always taking Nuggets out of your note. No, you always take Nuggets out of everything. So, like, if I sit through a presentation and I’m bored because that’s my, like, I need to work on being less bored. I’ll be like, oh, there wasn’t a lot in there. But if I ask you how the presentation was, you’ll be like, oh, you know what I really took out of it. Was this so even if they say 10,000 words and there’s only five words that you took out of it, you always like, I guess you Hone in on that. Well, thank you for that. I appreciate you telling me that, but I’m always trying. I figured if I’m going to sit through something, I got to take something out of it. You know what I mean? If I’m going to invest my time and my energy, I feel like I want something of value and I’m going to look for it. I’m going to find it. And I don’t consciously think about it. So I don’t know why I go there, but I like that. I go there. I think it’s because you’re a real learner. You really are open to learning and really get that you don’t know everything or anything. No, you’re always taking things in, like, that’s the growth mindset. I think it’s really cool. And so folks think about writing down your compliments, like, I’ve talked about a compliment Journal, or even just at the end of the day, when you’re brushing your teeth, like, think about you brush your teeth every day, Babe. Or just Tuesdays. I mean, I get to it. I get it a good 10 seconds when you’re brushing your teeth, my tooth. Just think about the nice things people said because, listen, I am so guilty of this. I get your messages about the podcast, and I really appreciate them. But when someone sends me a message telling me how much they hate it, I will ruminate over that. But imagine I ruminated around the messages from people who are like, hey, that really changed my life. Or this really helped my relationship. Or you helped me to start this new conversation. Like, imagine I actually ruminated on it. So maybe that should be the specific strategy. Ruminate on compliments. Is that going to be your thing? Ruminate 2022 ruminate. When I found out what a ruminating animal was, I was like, That’s so cool. They get to eat their food multiple times. Of course you went there, because if you could, you’d be like, I’m going to eat this meal again later. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I’m making scallops tonight. Anyhow. Okay, next tip. Hang out with happy couples. Whether you are single or partnered, find happy part. Even happy friends. It doesn’t matter. But when you are around people who have nice relationships, it’s actually contagious. Like we have data around. When one friend gets divorced or splits up, another friend is more likely to do the same. And it’s not that it’s necessarily contagious. Of course, it has to do with the fact that if you’re no contagious. Yeah, it’s an infection. I’m sure there’s somebody out there spreading information that divorces sometimes. But yeah, so hanging out with happy couples positively affects your relationship. But also when you find new relationships, it can be exciting. And when you get to see your partner interacting with other people, you get to see them in a different light. And that’s something I always notice about you. Like, I love the way you treat me. And I love the way you talk to me. But I also love watching the way you interact with other people because it’s a different brand. You’re different with them. But I still find it very attractive. Why, thank you. Something to ruminate on while you’re brushing your teeth. Am I not a little too much? I’m having a great time. I’m having a great time. Another option is to do meaningful volunteer work together. You don’t have to post about it. You’re not a savior, but we know that volunteering is good for your health. It strengthens relationships. It can make you more attractive. Couples who volunteer together feel closer to one another. And when I say couples, I think it can apply to friendships as well. So just think about that a little bit. A super important one is digital detoxing, right? If you’re going to do one thing, I mean, don’t detox the podcast. No, don’t cancel everything else, but really thinking about what times and spaces do you want to be tech free? So is your dinner table. Tech free is your breakfast table. Tech free is your bedroom tech free? Is it that Saturdays are tech free? There are no hard and fast rules. I think you all know that. So we don’t take our phones up into the bedroom. Generally, we try not to take the ipad up there every day, but we break that rule a lot. Yes. You don’t have your notifications on your ipad, though, right? No. So it’s just all law and order all the time. You just set it up so that you have to physically go in to check a message. And then if you’re doing that, you can question yourself. Why am I checking this? Why am I doing this when I made a commitment to myself to not do it? Yeah, absolutely. And we have a whole podcast on technoference. If folks want to learn more about that. But again, we just have this wealth of research showing that the mere presence of a device is detracting, from intimacy, from trust, from connection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be on your devices. Like, one thing I love is sitting in the living room with music on, and I’m just like relaxing and scrolling on my phone sometimes just listening to me on Duolingo learn Espanol. No, I have a way of tuning out his voice, but definitely digital detox, I think, is an important resolution to consider. And then finally, if you do want more sex, we need to schedule sex.

Ultimately, it doesn’t mean you have to put it in your calendar because I know that people complain about the lack of spontaneity. But again, I’m sure I’ve talked about this. Not everything exciting has to be spontaneous. Like vacations are generally not spontaneous. In many ways. They’re planned, like a great meal that you really enjoy and look forward to is not necessarily spontaneous. You plan it. And so if we can think about the lack of spontaneity and replace that lens with building anticipation. So like, we’re going to make sure we make time for sex this weekend, or we’re going to make sure that we make time, at least to have some physical intimacy on Monday night. And then if you want to balance between the two, I often suggest that you secretly schedule sex. So you kind of have a conversation about how often you want to be having sex. Let’s say we want sex three times a week. So then it becomes like my I don’t want to say job, but my job is because I only have one word. It’s my single word, ruminate my responsibility to ruminate on all of the options and kind of secretly schedule sex, like make sure I carve it out so that we have time and be flexible. Of course, if I schedule something and secretly and he’s not available, so be it. But I think that can be a nice balance. Where if we know we want to do it three times a week, maybe we carve out Saturday mornings, and then it’s like my responsibility to make it happen one night and your responsibility another. I like the idea of scheduling it into your calendar and put a reminder so that it pops up. You’ve done that with me. I have, but I haven’t put the reminder. So I like the idea of you could be in a meeting and all of a sudden, your phone Bings. Super kinky rough sex tonight. That’s what you’re going to say. And it has to pop up. So that when you’re in a meeting. Super kinky, rough sex. So if anyone is looking for a copywriter, Brandon is available. I’m available. Oh, my goodness. So, yeah, I think those are, like, some ideas to get you started. Right. So first of all, prioritizing self pleasure, seeing if you can find time alone in the house, taking turns taking the kids out for the park or whatever it may be, revisiting your early relationship with the Why do I Love You again? Exercise from the book, and it’s in the show notes, giving more compliments, soaking in and ruminating on the compliments each night as you brush your teeth, hanging out with a new couple or a happy couple. What else do we have here? Digital detoxing, volunteering together and scheduling sex. So, seven ideas. Well, there were more than seven, but that’s what I can recap is the seven. And I hope that folks will at least think about where you are in your relationships at this point in time, whether they be friendships or relationships with lovers or relationships with family. I know there are things we can do differently. And so I’ve made my commitment publicly. They always say, like, if you state your commitment publicly, you’re more likely to follow through. I feel like that’s a lie for me, but we’re going to do our best. All right. I think it’s just a personal commitment. If you want to make the change, you’re going to make the change. And if you don’t, you won’t. And for me, that applies to everything. You don’t call that stop. Well, no, I see so many people make excuses and listen. I fall into this category, too. It didn’t happen because of this or that or whatever it is. At the end of the day, I’ve written it down. I can reflect back. I can look at it, and I can make the change that I want to make. And of course, things happen. But you have to be flexible again. For me, I have to be flexible. I have to excuse me, cut myself some slack. Not every day. Am I going to achieve every single thing that I want. But if I’m constantly working towards chipping away at becoming that better this or that better human being or that more mindful or more whatever it is, eventually I’ll get there. I have to make that commitment, and I have to want to make the change. Absolutely. And I don’t know, as you’re saying, that I’m thinking about the flip side, which is that you don’t have to be better at everything, either we can just be. So now I always like, I’m just a walking contradiction.

We’ve got these resolutions and you can consider them, but you don’t have to use them, right? Like, maybe you’re really happy where you are, and maybe you just want to do more of something. You’re already doing it. Or maybe you want to do it exactly the same. So in this work, I know I’m always just I want people to feel good. I want you to feel good, and I want people to feel validated and not feel like you must do everything or perform in any way. So, for example, if scheduling sex isn’t something that’s important to you, that’s totally cool. If you already soak in the compliments, that’s cool. If tech isn’t interfering in your relationship like it’s not causing you distress. It’s not causing you anxiety. It doesn’t matter what the data says, so I’m not saying ignore everything we said for the last 20 minutes, but, hey, listen, what I’m saying is you do you know what works for you? You are the expert in yourselves. Hopefully, the reason we share these ideas is that they Pique your interest in some ways so that you’ll go and do a little bit more learning or you’ll have an AHA moment or you’ll decide, hey, you know what I’d like a little bit more of is this and none of it has to be complicated. I think that’s kind of the important message is that it doesn’t have to be complicated. And you’ve got this. Absolutely. That’s it. You’ve got it. All right, folks, this is our first episode of 2022. It was supposed to be a lot shorter than it was. Hope you’ve enjoyed big. Thank you to Ioba Toys for their ongoing support. Folks, do check out the Omicsi, the omic iobatoise. Com Ioba Super cool. And you can check my Instagram or check their Instagram if you want to see how they work, and you can use Code Doctor Jess to save 40%. Yeah, definitely. Check them out. Thank you so much, Babe. Thank you. Have great one, folks. You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast Improve your sex life. Improve your life.