December 30, 2021
Year-End Reflection Questions for Fulfilling Relationships
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This week, we share (and try out!) a simple 3-step exercise to reflect upon 2021 and plan for a happy 2022. Coach Sonia Zarbatany also joins us to talk about our new coaching program and share her tips for better dating and happy marriage.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Year-End Reflection Questions for Fulfilling Relationships
You’re listening to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and Relationship advice you can use tonight.
Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co host, Brandon Ware, here with my lovely other half. Dr. Jess. Happy New Year’s Eve. Happy New Year. Yes. Will we make it? Stay awake until midnight tonight? Oh, I don’t know, man. I’m up early. You’re up early? No, I’m going to make it. I’m going to make it. I’m going to enjoy this evening. I have this silly superstition that whatever I’m doing at midnight sets the tone for the year, which, by the way, lying in bed with you fast asleep wouldn’t be a bad thing because I’d like better sleep in 2022, I would be relaxed. Exactly. Yeah. So we’ll either be toasting with a bit of champagne and some nice fresh air, or we’ll be fast asleep. Can I just say that I would like very much for next year at this point to be raging somewhere. I want to be partying. Yeah, I want to light my pants on fire. You know what? I know that desire has some sort of party going on in Brazil, 20, 22, 23. So let’s just hope, sadly, I don’t think the world is going to be that far ahead that we’re going to want to be partying in Brazil, but hopefully something just a little bit more exciting overall, things can be looking up, and we want them to be looking up, certainly in your relationships, which is something we’re going to be talking about today. I think folks know if you follow me and if you listen to the podcast, I have a new program starting in five days, six days. And Sonya, my partner in the program, is going to be joining us to chat a little bit about dating and coaching and the program, and also just her general insight and advice on how to make relationships work.
So before Sonya joins us, I wanted to get to one of your questions because this one is about vibrators. So this person says they want to incorporate vibrators into their sex lives. They’re really great help for having an orgasm, but they find that their orgasms with vibrators don’t always feel good. The ramp up is amazing and feels great, but just at the point when it feels like the orgasm is going to start happening, the sensation suddenly becomes overwhelming and kind of unpleasant if they keep the vibrator right there. So they said they’ve tried quickly turning down the vibrator intensity right at the point of orgasm. But this can feel jarring and sort of interrupt the sensations. And then if they completely take the stimulation away at orgasm, it doesn’t feel good either. And the orgasm sort of just stops. So it sounds like a ruined orgasm, which feels frustrating. So any thoughts on why the vibrations become so overwhelmingly intense at the point of orgasm and advice? How to navigate this? That’s a really good question. You’ve mentioned sometimes that it can feel a little bit, like, too much, right? It can feel distracting. I’ve had that happen before where the frequency with which it vibrates at certain points. It just feels different. So I understand that when you’re close to orgasm, it could be distracting. It could be something else. So yes, I’ve been there. Yeah. I think this is a great question. I’m going to share a couple of different, I guess, options and strategies. So one you might want to consider using a vibrator that is broader or larger are kind of covers a bigger area as opposed to something pinpointed. So if you’re using a bullet vibe, for example, against your clitoris as it just continues to engorge with blood and build that direct stimulation right against the head can feel like too much. So if you were to switch, for example, to a wand or to a big fat lay on vibe, did I say fat? I meant flat, but also fat, like a wider toy might feel better so that it doesn’t feel so pinpointed. Another option is, rather than turning the intensity down, you might consider using some of the pattern modes that come with most vibrators, like one of the waves or kind of like the Cha Cha, so that it’s not sustained intensity. So it’s kind of like moving around that’s one option.
Another issue may be the type of vibrator. So some vibrators vibrate at like this higher pitched intensity and some vibrators operate at a more deeper, more rumbling vibration. And you’ll notice that. And I don’t want to say that this is always the case. But sometimes some of the lower cost vibes will feel a little bit more tingly and a little bit higher pitched. And of course, there are exceptions. And everybody’s body is different. It may be that it’s vibrating, like just at a pitch that doesn’t work for your body. So you might want to try, like, another brand that you can take a look at what’s a little bit more rumbly like I’ve mentioned before the rave by We Vibe or even the Wand, those are going to be very rumbly sensations, and it just depends on how the motor works. Then the other option is if a classic vibrator isn’t working, you might consider one of the womanizer toys. So it’s not a vibrator. It’s changes in air pressure that are a little bit of a push and pull sensation that feel like a cross between kind of sucking and vibing. I know they’re often called suction vibrators, but they’re not actually sucking. It’s just those tiny changes in air pressure create that type of sensation. And also, if you’re using it on the head of your clitoris, the womanizer products don’t touch. They’re not actually directly pressing on the head of the clip. They have a little opening that kind of sits around it to create that very unique sensation. So I’m hoping one of those options works like finding something that’s a little bit broader. Oh, one other thing I didn’t mention is, can you move the vibrator? So, like, if there’s an area that you really love stimulating as you approach orgasm, can you move the vibrator off to a very close by area? Right. So if you have it on the head of your clit, can you move it down to your lips and kind of press against the lower lips with it? And then maybe take your hand and do the rubbing over the clip and see if that feels better. Why are you cringing at me like that? Because I’m the King of extremes. So I’m sitting here as listening keenly, and I’m thinking, laughing and smirking, and I’m thinking, oh, you just take it from there, put on your butt or take it from there, put it on the back of your knee. You know what I mean? I’m just joking, but that’s where my brain goes. I’m three. The butt thing is a great idea. I know that you think the butt is funny, but I don’t think the butt is funny. The butt is the butt of your jokes. The butt is the butt. But I think that that’s actually really a great option. So hopefully one of those options works for you. And please do let me know. Thank you so much for writing and really appreciate it.
All right. I have to mention our sponsor today because I fell behind. I got excited over this vibrator question. And if you do watch this segue. Oh, my gosh. If you do want to try other vibrators, I have a 50% discount code at Adam and Eve. Com. So go ahead, head to Adam and Eve dot com and use code. Doctor Jess, D-R-J-E-S-S. 50% off almost any item, plus free shipping, plus some free goodies for you. And then you can try out different things and see what works for you. Go get your butt tickled. Right. Did you like that? I did that. All right. Adam and Eve. Com. Adam, Eve. Com. All right. Now we’re going to talk about something that I’m Super excited about. We’re going to talk about two things now. First and foremost, we’re going to chat with Sonya, with whom I’m hosting this relationship program starting in just a couple of days, four weeks interactive coaching, everything from communication to your chorotic feeling to tips and techniques to all the different kind of conversation prompts that I think are important in relationships. And then to close out, because I want you to definitely stay tuned. I want to leave you with a tool that I think is really helpful for planning the upcoming New Year. So without further Ado, let’s chat with Sonya.
Sonya, I am so glad you are here, and I’m so excited for 2022. We’re only a day away now we’re only a day away from the start of the new year. Do you feel good about the New Year? I feel fantastic. I feel fantastic. I’m excited for it, and I’m ready to impact even more. Do you feel like it’s a rebirth? Like, is it a reset? Because some people think it’s ridiculous to have New Year’s resolutions. Some people think it’s silly to be focused on one specific date. But for me, personally, I just like any fresh start, whether it’s a Monday or, like, I don’t know, September 1 always feels like a restart. And, of course, Jan one. How do you feel about New Year? Is it relevant to you? That’s literally the way that I think so for me, whether it’s my Sunday nights are my planning nights and my Mondays are my rebirth. So my first day of the month, I plan my week, I plan my month, I plan my year. So it’s a beautiful opportunity to reset. It’s a beautiful opportunity to relook at how we will make 2022, the epic year and what were wins and learnings for 2021. Absolutely. All right. So you do all sorts of coaching. You do life coaching. You do business coaching. And in those coaching sessions and coaching programs, dating relationships come up. So you’re not specifically a dating coach, but you find yourself coaching daters. What do you find people need when it comes to dating coaching? And why do they need help while dating?
It’s so interesting, because in the past year, for me, my X Factor was business like, I can take a business from idea to execution. I do the game plan. I’m like that coach consultant that will give you every single tip to blow up your business. And obviously it always starts with mindset. Right. So from NLP to any kind of mindset work, that was my game. I’ve never coached more on relationship than since COVID people are struggling so much with relationships. No one really signed up for a 24 hours marriage. No one signed up for this. So we need new tools. We need new techniques, and we need to really rethink of not only if you’re in a relationship, but even if you’re wanting to manifest the right relationships, how is dating working now? Right. So I’ve never coached more on relationships. And to be honest, I’m so grateful for it, because it’s the most important investment you can make is in your relationship. Because what do we remember? Right? I don’t remember my late nights at the office. I don’t remember the time where I was like, wow, I really showed up early to work and got so much done. But I remember the moments where I was like, yes, to an amazing trip. Yes. To an amazing dinner. Yes. To an amazing new connection, a new friendship and a new relationship. Absolutely. And it’s interesting because we know if you ask anybody what’s most important, they’re always going to say their relationships, whether it’s with family or parents or intimate partners or kids. But we don’t always act that way. Now, I hear that people are very frustrated dating right now, and there are many things I know we’re getting wrong about dating.
What advice do you have for folks to date better in 2022? How can we even start with the right mindset, or are there any strategies we can employ to date more effectively and date, I think, for fun and for joy. Yeah. I think that needs such a good reset. It needs such a good reset because the old way of dating might not apply right now. Now things are closing down, theaters, clubs, restaurants, bars and stuff like that. I know in Quebec it is. So, you know, it might be so much harder for you to just go out and meet people. So there’s new tools, but we need to take care of these new tools. So of course, there’s online dating. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, before you start to actually think of who’s that ideal person that I want, I want to make sure that you create the ideal person that you want and that’s you and it always always starts with you. And people go into this tail spin of I want him to be like this and like this and like this, whereas. Okay, hold on here. How do you feel about this? How are you, like self care? You build a relationship with you and then come out with a positive, beautiful outlook on it. What’s happening to and dating is that people are just over it. They’re struggling with it. So guess what happens. They bring that into the date. So I want to just reset the emotion around dating and I want to reset it so that it’s fun so that you have a great time getting to know someone and you’re not showing up to a date with a sign that says, I want three kids. Let’s get married next week. And I need it now because I’m really looking now. I’m really looking. Yes, it’s interesting because it’s okay to know what you want, but the checklist, I think, really detract from the possibility of connection. If I’m so focused on checking whether or not they meet my standards, can I really tune into how I’m feeling in my body, right? Can I really be mindful? Can I check in with the top and the tail and know whether or not there’s some sort of connection here? It doesn’t have to be instant chemistry, right? It doesn’t have to fly off the charts. They don’t have to be X tall or do one specific job. And so I think I always think about mindfulness and sex, mindfulness in life, mindfulness and business. And I think it’s something we ought to apply to dating, and we can’t be mindful if we’re also analyzing. So I think that’s an important piece there.
Now you are happily married. You’ve been married for over a decade. You have five kids between the two of you. Some little ones and some, I guess, adult ones in your experience, what’s the key to happy marriage for you, at least. And I know that everybody’s different. I think it’s so beautiful to create your own rules and your own reality. Last week was our wedding anniversary. And so we have two kids together, four year old and eight year old. And I have three stepsons. So 1724 and 26. So we really go all ages. And it was so beautiful because in our card, we were just cheers to us, making our own rules. Cheers to us not going by society’s rule of how a marriage should look, how a relationship should look. And cheers for us. Just really digging in and saying, let’s play, let’s play through the chaos. Let’s play through the pandemic. Let’s play through anything that happens in life. Like, let’s embrace this. The journey. Right? So we’re always looking at all of these peaks, but it’s like, hey, I love the value relationship. I love the ones where it’s like when shit hits the fan. Where are you? Are you supporting me? Are you there for me? Are we together as a team? So for me, the most beautiful thing is one always make sure that you’re putting your relationship first, even before your kids, even before your kids. Because when you put yourself before your kids, then it’s not just about the kids. It’s about each other parent the same way as well. So many times your partner might not agree with the way that they’re parenting, but support them in front of the kids, support it’s one common front and then be able to have your own individuality within the relationship as well. Like, don’t forget about yourself so many times you’re like, I lost myself. It’s okay. You can find yourself again. Good news. People think relationships are so easy to get out of now, but, hey, why don’t you just start finding yourself within your relationship, recreate new rules, sit back down and go, hey, how are we going to do the next year together? Why do you plan your year in your business? Plan your year for you? But don’t sit down with your wife’s, husband, partner and just say, hey, what do we want to manifest together this year? How can we make this relationship an even spicier one sexier, one happier one? What are you missing? What can we do? And how can we do it together? I love that those are three really tangible things that people can do in terms of putting your relationship above the kids, finding time to play and actually planning. And that planning piece is so important.
I knew this couple and he ran a multinational company in Europe, and they said that at the beginning of the year, they carved out one weekend a month that was only for them. And if a wedding fell on it, they’d see if they could trade another weekend. But they’d have to miss family baptisms or family showers, because this weekend was not family showers, as in family showers. Family like baby showers.
Why did this podcast go there? It’s so quick. I don’t know. The dog, the cat. They would really prioritize that weekend every month. And this is the person who’s running a company over 1000 employees. But this is what they decided to do, and they wouldn’t compromise because they knew how important their relationship was. They knew how important their family was to them. So I really appreciate that. And that’s really a big part of why you’re here. I mentioned in the beginning that we’re running this course together, and a big part of it is planning. So just a reminder, folks, that Sonia and I are putting together master your relationships in 30 days. It starts in just five or six days. I can’t do the math, but it starts January 5, Wednesday nights. We will be going live with you virtually for these interactive sessions. And if for some reason, you can’t make it on Wednesday nights for the four Wednesdays, of course, they’re going to be recorded and packaged for you and you’ll have access. But January 5, we start with your relationship mindset blueprint, really helping you to kind of uncover what your relational values are. So, as Sonya said, you can know what you want, whether you’re in a relationship or looking for a relationship. And it’s interesting we’ve been hearing more about how relationships aren’t just about finding companionship and being life partners, but about finding someone that helps to just elevate you to a version of yourself that feels at the pinnacle. Right. And I know you feel that way with your partner. I’ve seen you interact with Ella. How is it that you, like, build each other up and help one another grow?
I just want to say, Jess, I’m so excited to start this journey with you and to take everyone through. It’s so wonderful when two women get together with such common values and are able to impact so much, usually, January. Look, I’m a coach. All I do is like 2022 planning, but I’m like, wait, why would we just be planning on your business and not planning and giving them the tools on the most important part of their life? It really is. And I don’t think that we discuss it enough. I don’t think that that’s even a discussion. And it’s the number one discussion. It’s so important you have a game plan, tools, tips, outcomes, goals in your business and in your mindset. What about this relationship? So I think that is just so important to really be investing about that and to take this journey as well. And again, these are new tips. Right. Like, how are we going to plan 2022, too? And what is going to be your rule book that you want to do in your relationship? Absolutely. Yeah. So we’re going to start with that. We’re going to start with the planning in week one and week two, we’re going to move on to communication. And this isn’t just like, tell people how you feel. We’re really talking about the language and the prompts around the essential conversations for meaningful relationships. And then in week three, we’re going to move into the bedroom. And we’re going to get into sexual values, because I know folks who listen to this podcast obviously have already explored so many things when it comes to sex. But have you drilled down and explored your sexual values? So what we’re really doing here is I’m going to be pulling the tools from my workshops that I kind of do all over the world, and there are too many to cover them all. But I’m really just going to try and cover the most important ones, the ones that I think are most impactful because sex means different things to different people. And if you haven’t taken the time to consider what sex means to you, from an emotional, from a physical, from a spiritual, from a relational, from a practical perspective, how can you have the best sex ever? How can you have the most fulfilling sex life? So so many people talk about the deficits in their relationship with their sex life here’s not what I’m not getting here’s, what I want. But oftentimes we haven’t figured out why we want it. And it’s the why that we need to drill into in order to actually kind of make it happen and communicate our needs to our partners, because it’s not enough to say, hey, I want you to tie me up and whisper in my ear and make me feel submissive.
Okay. That’s an amazing start. But with the communication piece, we want to dig deeper so that you can be more specific about what you want, why you want it and how we break it down into pieces, because if I were to just for many people, if you turn to your partner and say, here’s what I want, I want you to tie me up. I want you to be super dominant. I want you to be in control. I want to be a submissive that’s overwhelming for people, right? I know some people are like, yes, I got that. That’s my Tuesday night. I hear those people, but for many people that can feel like too much. So we need to break it down. And that’s what we’re going to do in week three. And then finally in week four, we are going to really dive into the fun stuff, how to reignite the spark, how to keep the passion alive, tips, techniques to rock your lover’s world for people of all genders, we’re going to obviously be answering your questions. We are hoping to do a live event in Montreal, which will obviously be broadcast. And I know most people here listening obviously are not in Montreal, but you have the option to attend in person or to attend virtually and I’m so excited to be collaborating with you. I think this is going to be so amazing. I just think it’s so important for us to stop and invest in our relationships. And I’m not saying to everyone, you must buy this course. I think it’s brilliant. I think it’s a steal, like half the rate of even just seeing us for coaching, like or for individual stuff. And you’re going to have the recordings and there’s going to be homework and there’s going to be worksheets and stuff that you’re going to actually be able to take away and refer back to. Having said that, I know that maybe this one isn’t the number one fit for everyone. But what I really want to encourage people to do is do something in 2022, like something today, to plan to have more fulfilling relationships, whether it’s signing up for this course or even just like, heading to the website. So we’re going to make sure we link the program in the show notes so that people can check it out and learn from it and be excited for 2022.
Let me ask you, what do you want for 2022? You know what I was thinking about that yesterday, really? And I was walking down the beach. I’m right now in Punta Cana, and I was thinking about that. And for me, my life has been so much about impact and so much about kind of bringing people to a place of resilience and bringing people through. Now it’s like I want people to be able, like community, your community, everyone to really be able to go within, like to quiet the noise that happens outside. And I want to give them really great tips and tools, because what we’ve learnt in 2020 and in 2021 is actually there’s so many things that are outside your control. So how can you have beautiful relationships and a really strong mindset that you’re able to tap into your alignment and into your intuition and have beautiful opportunities, whether your business is open or closed, whether you’re working at home or not, whether your relationships is working or not, how can we that’s, like, my next thing for 2022 is giving everyone the tools so that they can be so resilient and they could ride it out because that’s where we’re really going. We’re really going to a new frontier, a new reality, whether it’s Metaverse or whether it’s there’s so many things and it’s going really fast. So if you feel like you need to slow it down, what I want to show up is to give you that game plan. And, Jess, this course that we’re doing in 2022 is to really set people up, not just in their relationships. And yeah, we’re going to have fun and we’re going to play. But we’re also going to give them so many great tools of how they can communicate through times of crisis. How can they communicate through triggers? How can they actually communicate what they want, and when they’re actually feeling like they’re in dis alignment with themselves.
So those are tools that are not just in. Well, yes, Sonya, but I’m single. I’m not really even into relationships. Cool. Well, do you have a mother or father? Do you have a best friend? Do you have a kid? Because communication is not just partner communication. It’s imagine if you had the tools to communicate with your loved ones in business with your friends, like knowing how to communicate through times of crisis and trigger and the uncomfortable stuff and saying things that might not make the other person feel good about themselves or happy is a tool that is a priceless tool. So that’s really where 2022 is in a place where it’s like, how do we ride through when there’s chaos? Absolutely. Yeah. And what do you want for 2022? I want a lot of things. Some of those I certainly want to feel relaxed, but I also want to feel excited again. I feel like the last two years, the excitement with a lot of some of the things that you used to do, simple things, going to karaoke, going to a bar, going for dinners, they’re gone. So I know they’ll return one day, but I want to feel that excitement again. Yeah. All right. For me, I want to simplify. I know that sounds very abstract, but life has felt kind of complicated, and I think it’s because over the last 18 months or so, I’ve pivoted my business and I’m doing too many things. And so I just want to get back to what it is I love to do. And then my secondary thing is I want to get more sleep, not more sleep, better sleep. I want to sleep through the night like a baby. So I’m going to, like, focus on that and do the things that I need to do. Sonya, you need to get back to the beach. I know you’re working while you’re down there, but I know you need that time with the family. So thank you so much for joining us. I know we are only five, six days away from actually starting this program. Highly encourage people to head to the show notes. Check that out. Obviously, make sure you’re following.
Sonya will also link her Instagram and all that jazz. She’s dropping not only gems and advice and business on her Instagram, but also just the fun stuff that I think we all need right now. So thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me, guys. All right. So we have lots to look forward to in 2022. And I do hope that people will check out the program again in the show notes, and it’s linked in my IG bio and all that jazz. And if the program isn’t a fit for you right now, I wanted to leave you with a tool that I think can be really helpful, and it’s something that I think we’re going to do right now. So this is kind of just a simple three step approach to reflecting back on 2021 and planning for 2022. And if you’re listening to this a little bit later, that’s okay, too. I think it’s helpful at any point in time. And so I’ve got this three prompt guide for planning the upcoming year. And here are the prompts. I’ll just give them to you, and then we can walk through them together. Babe, if you don’t mind, kind of briefly. Yeah, for sure. So number one. So this is something you kind of sit down and think about on your own or with a partner. So if you’re in a relationship, what was your relationship highlight of 2021? And if you’re not in a relationship, you can still ask yourself, what was your highlight of 2021 when it comes to relationships? Right? Because we start to use this word relationship like it means intimate, but we have all types of relationships.
So what was your connection highlight of 2021? And number two, what do you want to do more of that? You’re already doing well in your relationships. And then number three, what do you want to do differently in your relationship or relationships in 2022? So I’m hoping people will kind of just take a couple of minutes, maybe this evening over dinner or even just right now to jot it down to think about these things. So I guess if we were to go through this our relationship highlight of 2021, what was yours? First thing that comes to mind is being in Mexico City and just feeling incredibly relaxed and wanting. I know you weren’t feeling well, and I really wanted to take care of you like I really wanted, and I enjoyed it. Meaning I came over, I was rubbing your back, rubbing your legs, rubbing your feet. And I was doing this. You’re doing that because you were feeling well. But as kind of weird as this might sound as I’m saying it, I really took a lot of pleasure in just trying to make you feel better. I was relaxed. I was like trying to make you feel better. I wanted to make you feel better. So I don’t know that it’s a highlight for you, but I know for me just that whole trip felt great. Actually, the first thing that comes to mind for me is Mexico City as well, for a couple of reasons.
First of all, I’m short sighted, and it wasn’t that long ago. Agreed. But it actually is what came to mind because it’s just honestly, one of my favorite cities in the world, if not my favorite city. And I was only sick for one day. I think it was like a migraine or something like that. And believe it or not, I think being sick is what made that trip so good, because it forced us to slow down, like we just hung out in our room. We went to the hotel bar. And the other thing is, I think because we went somewhere that is really exciting and new and that we’ve never lived there. But we’ve been there multiple times. So you don’t feel pressure to do everything and go everywhere and see every single possible Museum because you’ve already been there. And so I think that really stood out for me. So the messaging that I take out of that is why wait till I’m sick to slow down? Why wait till you’re sick for me to rub your back? Is that what you’re going to say? Yeah. You should rub my back all the time. And it’s funny. Also, I do think because we were so physically connected because I was in pain with this migraine, right? Like my head was hurting. My neck was hurting. I got in the bath for the first time, and it’s got to be 20 years. Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you take a bath. No, it takes too long. We were really lucky we had this hotel with this massive, massive bathroom and this huge, gorgeous tub. I made brain and clean at first out of a day. It was amazing. Heated seats. The toilet had a good day, not the bathtub. No, the bathtub is not a good day. You didn’t use it as a toilet because I did right before I got in it. But I just remember that feeling of warmth against my skin. And I think that the truth is, I’d say, like, I’m not a bath person. I don’t want to sit in a bath. I don’t have time for that. So why do I need to get sick to go and experience that sensation that felt so good in my body? Yeah. So I think that was a highlight. It was like the connection, the balance of both novelty, because it’s not our city, but also familiarity. And I always talk about that kind of equation, how we need a little bit of both. And we need varying degrees of novelty depending on the person. So that so number one, that was our relationship highlight number two. What do we want to do more of that we’re already doing? Oh, for me, Babe, because I think I’ve been more stressed out this year than I’ve truly ever been in my adult life. And I would come to you and talk to you because you’re working from home. I feel that we’ve been prioritizing really kind of meaningful and intense conversations between the two of us over work. I think that we’ve been putting those conversations up top and interrupting work to have them. Whereas before we would just work and work and work. And then if we had time, we’d kind of get to them. Yeah, I would agree. I think if you were to say, ask me that question, I would agree that it’s conversations. It’s having the conversations. And for me, knowing that that conversation is going to make the relationship better. Or hopefully I’m going to find some personal resolution or we’re going to find it together in a relationship. Yeah. And oftentimes for me, it wasn’t actually about the relationship. It was more like a stress I was having or an anxiety I was experiencing. And just that I was coming to you for soothing felt really good. So that’s what I’d like to keep up. And then what do we want to do differently in 2022? I think I want more.
You mentioned it before, and I would agree it’s simplicity, less clutter. There’s so much noise when you pay attention to what’s going on. It’s easy to get distracted with causes that you believe in with things happening in the world. And for me, I know what’s important to me, and I don’t want to get distracted from the things that are important with things that are not important. I think that’s really kind of abstract term, but in my head, it’s very simple. And what about in relationships? I think for me I want to prioritize the relationships that are most important because I still kind of suck at that. Sorry. I do things I don’t want to be doing, and I do stuff for people that I don’t necessarily want to be doing. So I think I need to do a better job prioritizing which relationships I want to put more time and energy into. Does that make sense? Yeah. Again. And for me, part of it, too, is saying no. I know that everybody says you’ve got to say no. I think over the last two years I’ve said yes to a lot of things that I don’t want to say yes to. And I think that it’s born from fear. It’s born from grieving, the loss of things that I used to do. I don’t know. But I’ve said yes to a lot of things that I don’t want to say yes to. I’ve said yes to people that I don’t want to say yes to, and frankly, it’s eating away at me. It’s, eroding away at all the things, the resilience that I had. And I’m seeing that now in our relationship because I’ve said yes and other people are sucking the life out of me. Some people are yes, some people are sucking the life out of me. And then when I come to the people who do matter to me who really matter to me, I don’t have much left, and then I end up taking it out on them, or I’m abrupt or I’m Curt or I’m any of these things for sure. Yeah. I think we all definitely do that. So my therapist told me she’s like, you have a moratorium on yeses. She’s like, you can do that for me, right? You have to stop saying yes to things because I find myself saying yes to things that I don’t want to say yes to. And so I’m going to try that moratorium it’s so funny because I was telling my friends last night. My friends like, why do you have to wait for your therapist? We’ve been telling you just say no. Just say no. You know who said that? Obviously from the voice. But I mean, they’re all absolutely right. And I just need to listen to them. So hopefully folks will consider this conversation. What was your relationship highlight of 2021 or relationships highlight? What do you want to do? More of that you’re already doing. And what do you maybe want to do differently in 2022 and that can apply to relationships? It can apply to all types of connections, even work or just kind of general life questions and reflections. So I do hope folks use that. Obviously, it’s just a tiny little piece of planning. If you do want to delve a little deeper, really recommend that you do come check out our Match your Relationship in 30 days program that Sonya and I are hosting. And just a reminder. Thank you to our sponsor, Adam and Eve dot com for providing off with code Doctor Jess. Alright, I feel like I have to say something deep and meaningful to close out 2021, but I got nothing. I got nothing. Stunned youth lube and have fun. Slide your way out. 2021 oh Lord, yes. Going to be more of that in 2022. For real, though, wishing people all the best in 2022, hopefully the world just continues to get a little bit better and we erode away at the systems that hold us back from getting more of what we want and helping people get more of what they deserve.
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