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Sex with Dr. Jess


December 9, 2021

Fetishes, Pleasure In Pain & Masturbation

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We’re answering your questions this week including:

  1. Can you please talk about fart fetishes?
  2. Should I be worried that my new boyfriend finds pleasure in pain?
  3. Can you share some embarrassing ways people masturbate?
  4. How do I clean my vagina?

Sonia X DrJess Course

We’re also excited to announce a new program for 2022: 30 Days to Master Your Relationship!

4 Group coaching sessions

  • Week 1: Relational Values & Blueprint
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  • Week 4: Re(Ignite) The Spark + Ladies Night Event in Montreal

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Fetishes, Pleasure In Pain & Masturbation

You’re listening to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and Relationship advice you can use tonight.

Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your cohost, Brandon Air here with my lovely other half. Dr. Jess. How’s it going? I’m good. We’re on an early early morning this morning for the podcast. Has the caffeine kicked in? Oh, well, I didn’t sleep much last night and I’m actually having a caffeinated coffee, which, for me, is rare, which means everybody better hold on. This unfiltered version of jets. No, I literally just drink it. It’s going to be people in an hour who have to deal with me. Okay, where I’m like, let’s do this. We can build an airplane. I can improve upon airplane. That’s my dream. I have some exciting stuff to announce today, starting with a contest that we’re running over on Instagram. I don’t know if you know about it. It’s called Mask and Masturbate. Do I know about Instagram? Yes. Instagram is a social media platform where you can post your photos and it’s worth billions of dollars. It’s actually part of the Metaverse. Don’t mess around. I’m venturing down the rabbit hole.

Okay. All right. So I’m running a contest called Mask and Masturbate in partnership with Consonant and Consonant on Instagram is Consonant Life. They were started locally, I believe. Here in Canada. They are a queer owned brand. My mom has been shopping at Concentrate for a while, which I have to say is the greatest testament to their products. Because my mom, her skin is healthy, her body is healthy. My mom turned 71 this week. Am I allowed to say that you are. And you know what? I love Consonant. There was that video where the gentleman in the partnership was secretly taking all of the products and using them. And the other partner was kind of like, Where’s all my stuff going? Oh, yeah. So it was like I have my creams. And then I’m wondering why it’s running out. It’s because Brendan uses, like, eight pumps a night. These bags under the eyes aren’t going to fix themselves. Let’s just say so. They make skincare products natural, really beautiful stuff. Everything from lip serums to facial creams to body wash. And my mom has been buying me concentrate for I want to say it feels like a decade. I’m not sure how long they’ve been around, but she’s a huge fan of the brand, and she would always put it in my stocking at Christmas or just buy it for me because if nobody buys me face cream, I’m never going to buy face cream. She gets it for you because it comes in also very cute bottles. Yes. The packaging is almost like, I don’t know, scientific. No, my mum really likes their products and she looks amazing. Happy birthday, mom. My mom came over yesterday to drop off food for me for her birthday. For her birthday. It was her birthday, and I bought her nothing. And she brought me two bags of food. She brought me a big bag of dried mango jam. But we’re going to celebrate tomorrow. Is it tomorrow, actually? Yeah. We’re going to be celebrating with my mum out if you’re familiar with Nagar on the Lake, folks, which is really a cute area full of wineries. We’re going to Pearl more set, which has a pretty cool dining menu. Very special. Anyhow one of the highlights? Nobody cares about my food. All right, so we’ve got this amazing contest, mask and masturbate. So head on over to my Instagram sex with Dr. Jess. Make sure you are following consonant life as well. Like I said, I’m a huge, huge fan of their products. I use all of them. I use their serum. And it’s funny because I got a message on Instagram this week asking for beauty tips. And I don’t think I’m a great person for beauty tips. Like, I only know how to do my makeup one way. Barely ever do my hair properly. I only do it for the front of the camera because we like, shoot from home. So I just tease it up. But one thing I do use for my skin is Constantine. I use their body wash, I use their face wash, I use their creams, I use their sunscreen. I use basically what they send me, what my mum buys me one day I have to pay for my products myself. I mean, I do through my mom. Yeah, I’m pretty sure your mom pays for the product, so don’t worry. Oh, yeah, it’s not a five finger discount for my mom. My mom’s like, the best. So please go enter that contest for sure. Over on Instagram sex with Dr. Jess, and we’ve got a whole bunch of questions to talk about today.

We don’t have a ton a ton of time, so we’ll get through what we can. And the first one relates to Fart fetishes. And this person is a listener. Thank you so much for listening. By the way, who has emailed me multiple times? I’m pretty sure I recognize the name, and I think I was feeling a little frustrated that I’ve been ignoring the Fart Fetish question. Honestly, sometimes I just forget what’s on the roster and then sometimes it’s just not my area of deep expertise. And so I don’t know where to go. But I do want to obviously address all of your questions and get to them. So I’m sorry that it’s taken me a while. And so I’ll just talk a little bit about Fart fetishism as someone who was kind of raised to be quite embarrassed by farts for a couple of reasons. First of all, my parents never even said the word fart, like they use this word DAPI, which I don’t know if it’s Jamaican. I don’t know if it was some sort of Chinese. Like, I don’t know. It was my dad who I was sitting. He’s white so I don’t know how they were avoiding the word fart, but they definitely thought fart was a bad word. Yet there was so much farting happening in my house. It was quite a dissonance there. Sorry. Yes. Living with your father. I know that farting is normal. And you know what? I know we’re not supposed to laugh about it because it is a normal function, but it’s also okay to laugh if it’s your natural reaction. I don’t want to make anybody feel badly. In fact, I really want to dive into fart fetishism. So far. Fetishism is called let me get this right aproctophilia. And basically it involves being sexually aroused by farting. By flatulence. It might be the sound. It might be the feeling. It might be the smell you might like to hear farts. You might like to watch somebody fart, like I was talking to one person who said that he likes kind of the face their partner makes. I’m, like, all secretive about it. You won’t know if I’m farting. Is it a fart? Is it a shark? What is it based on their face? You might like to be farted on. You might like to fart on others. And with every fetish, with every turn on, the number one message is that we need to normalize, like, whatever you’re into you’re into. And we don’t need an explanation. But I do know that most folks out there, especially with our listenership, are beyond 101, and they are interested in the why of things. And the y, of course, is not universal. But I was kind of thinking about it and looking into what research I know around fetishes and especially around turn ons. That may be subversive, and that may be associated with experiences that actually tend to be framed as turn offs.

Right? Like many people will consider a fart a turn off. But some people consider it a turn on. And I actually think that’s so cool. And I was thinking about how as arousal levels heightened, your instincts start to change. So your disgust instincts actually become less sharp and you no longer respond as strongly with discussion. So we’ve had experiments, for example, not we. I act like I’m in the science lab. When scientists, researchers ask somebody to pick up like a dirty tissue, the more aroused they are, the more inclined they are to do something that might otherwise be off putting. So this altered state of perception during high arousal allows you to engage sexually pleasurably with objects or experiences that you might normally find off putting. So, like, farting sounds or smells. So the taboo element, I guess, of this theory, explaining it falls in line with dominant cultural messages about sex, that it’s dirty, that it’s naughty, that it’s shameful. And I think it’s really cool that farting might be one outlet through which we reconcile the conflict between our experience of sexual pleasure and negative sexual messages. And this kind of makes sense because we think about, like, farting. Growing up, it was kind of associated with humor, with embarrassment, even with repression and shame. And so you’re using something and converting it into something pleasurable. Right. All of those feelings, whether you feel like something’s funny or you feel embarrassed or you feel depressed or you experience shame, they can be turned into turn on just how we understand pain can be erotic, and submission can be erotic, and even humiliation and degradation for so many of us can be erotic. The subversive element of farting can also be erotic. And I just think I hope that I’m paying credence and respect to this topic and reminding people that the first thing we can do is kind of normalize and reassure that this is cool. Like, whatever you’re into, be into. And I know a lot of people who like the smell of their own farts, even if they don’t find it erotic, it’s something that it’s your own. And it’s something that’s kind of comforting. I think I could introduce you to about 50 young men growing up with me who enjoyed the smell of their own farts. Okay. People joke around with they’re like, oh, you like your own brew. And it’s like, clearly you do because you’re leaving it everywhere. And I think that we live in a culture where it isn’t normal to fart all the time. But I remember my aunt. It’s like a cousin. Everyone’s, my cousin or my aunt was doing Ayurvedic medicine and she was talking about, I think, seven bodily functions that you shouldn’t ever repress, and I’m not going to get them all. But I think it’s like Farting burping, crying yawning. And I don’t know the rest of them, but it makes sense.

This is a natural bodily function. We’ve created something in terms of the Association of disgust that maybe isn’t necessary. So I was thinking about folks, if you do, like, farting, can you normalize and reassure partners that it’s okay when they fart? I also wonder, though, is it kind of contextual, right? Because sometimes it’s not meant to be arousing, right? Like, for the person who does enjoy it, there are times when you’re doing it and you don’t want and you’re not taking any pleasure out of it. Perhaps that’s a great point. Yeah. Because anything that we’re turned on by it is within context. Like, I might be turned on by breasts, but I’m not turned on by somebody breastfeeding. Do you know what I mean? So we choose to sexualize objects or body parts or experiences, and it can be subjective according to context. But I was thinking, like, if you want to open up about it, can you just start by kind of complimenting your partner? Like you might tell them like, I think it’s cute when you fart, or I’m glad we feel comfortable just starting with that language to gauge their reaction and also to create that normalization that’s required in a culture that has made farting so bad. So asking what they think, complimenting them, and then hopefully you get to a place and maybe it’s right away. Maybe it’s not sharing that. I kind of like that. And it’s so interesting to me. So I don’t like, personally, I guess I’m very sensitive to smells. You know, that very sensitive to smells. And so it’s not that I like the smell of farts. But if you told me you were into it, I’ll be honest. I’d giggle a little. But if you’re into something, I’d be like, I’m just so fascinated to explore, like, I want to remain curious. And I think that’s what’s so important here is that we remain curious for our partners. And so I hope this beginning of a discussion, like, it’s not a super deep dive, but I hope that that feels good for the person who wrote this. I want to thank you for sending your comments in. Yes. Actually, it’s a really interesting something I hadn’t thought of before. Somebody taking, like, finding it erotic. Yeah. And I wonder because this person had said that they’d emailed me about it multiple times. I don’t know if I saw the emails, but I also am like, did I ignore this on purpose? Is there a subconscious thing where I’m like, well, I don’t know enough about this, or I’m uncomfortable with this. So I need to dive a little deeper, and we always know that anything that makes you uncomfortable is the stuff that, like, where the magic happens around sex, right? If something turns you off right away, you might want to ask yourself why, like that repression, that shame can be turned into something super exciting. And folks, if you do have a fart fetish, please send me your audio file so I can play it. Not your files are farting, although that’s okay, too. But more like your perspective. I’m super curious to learn from you. I’d be curious to know how you incorporated in with your partner because of the social. I mean, listen, I was much the same growing up. There was a shame around it happening. It was funny. So the idea of how did you incorporate that into your relationship and make it something that was erotic because I’m sitting here commenting or thinking how I’m laughing. Okay, that’s the truth is, I’m finding it humorous, and I’m trying not to make a joke about passing gas, but it’s probably because we’ve made it something that’s funny.

It’s something that’s accidental, something that you’re supposed to be kind of disgusted by because of the odor, forgetting that people do. I mean, that may be something that turns them on, but I’m curious genuinely. How do you incorporate that or how did you initiate that conversation and get it incorporated into your relationship? Because I’m sitting here laughing, thinking, you’re in bed one day and you’re like, hey, girl, I got something under the covers for you, and it’s a Dutch oven. Come on under. I think it’s okay to have fun with it, too. Right. Listen, I want to be really clear. It’s okay if you’re whatever your reaction is, if you feel uncomfortable, if you feel like laughing, if you feel like giggling, as long as you’re not shaming somebody. Right. And I think that we have to be a little more mindful around such taboo conversations because there is so much more shame. Right. So we can laugh about things that are part of the dominant culture. But we have to just be a bit more mindful about the fact that maybe this person is tired of people just laughing about it. I can see it being one of those things that really cuts the sorry, I shouldn’t use the word cuts the tension, but that almost does alleviate some of that tension. And then that being, you know, when it happens, somebody farting, and then all of a sudden kind of playing with it and then having a bit of fun with it and it taking the edge off an otherwise serious situation. Yeah. And humanizing, right. Once you’ve done it. I was thinking about this because everyone’s always afraid of farting. People are worried about griefs, like the air that comes out of the vagina makes it sound like a fart. But once it happens, you’re like, you don’t care because guess what had happened and you’re fine and you’re still super turned on. And maybe you’re turned on by it. Maybe you feel neutral toward it. You don’t have to embrace every single thing, but I’m thankful. I’m glad. Yes. I’m glad we’re talking about it.

All right. So we’ve got so many questions. This one is along. I guess a similar lines in that this person says they’re worried that their new boyfriend associates pain with pleasure. He says it’s healthy, but she’s Googled it and says she’s kind of got a mixed response. And she’s worried, like, what does that mean? And I mean, I’ll just say embracing some erotic pain during sex, it’s just very common. Rough sex kind of allows you to explore the more carnal component of sexual desire. And I think it has to do for many of us with seeding to your more animalistic desires and kind of defying these cultural taboos that inhibit raw sensuality. Right. Like, you create this space that gives control, gives way to passion, and you can just explore the primal side. And I think most of us have experimented with some light, rough play in the bedroom. I know many people have experimented with much more, like whether it’s pinching nipples or nibbling on earlobes or spankings, or even deep penetration that can feel a little bit intense. And again, just like we were talking about with farting, as you become more aroused, the endorphin release can increase your pain threshold. Your pain threshold can actually double right before orgasms. So if you’re new to playing with pain, you probably want to get really riled up first, anyone with a vagina who has penetrative sex will tell you this that if you penetrate for many people, not everyone. But if you penetrate really deeply in the beginning, it can be really uncomfortable against the cervix. And then the more turned on you get, the more it’s like, oh, yeah. Actually, hitting that spot can feel really good. I guess the question was really like, Is it okay? Yeah. It’s healthy. Anything people are into that’s consensual and doesn’t cause harm is healthy, and it’s risk aware. And if you want to understand why pain is so closely connected to pleasure, there are so many different reasons, right. So your body releases hormones, including endorphins in response to pain. And these are the same hormones that surge during sexual pleasure and promote bonding between lovers. So those neurochemically the experiences can be very similar. We know that pain related adrenaline and dopamine release can create a natural high that allows you to experience pain in different ways. And the spikes in serotonin and epinephrine levels are believed to produce this, like jolt of pleasure. So these natural bodily reactions to pain might explain why rough sex has always existed. We’ve seen depictions of rough sex dating back to ancient civilizations, just kind of evidence that pain and pleasure have always overlapped. And then there’s the piece around the forbidden and the taboo creating that connection, because sex can really be a form of escape from reality. Right. And that’s part of its appeal. So if your lifestyle or your relationship is really stable and predictable, you might be drawn to escape from this reality by incorporating more kind of subversive elements, whether it be pain or farting or anything you’re into when it comes to sex. And then the other piece is that we hear from so many people who play with pain to create feelings of pleasure, to kind of rewrite scripts with regard to pain. So, like, if you’ve experienced pain in your past, you probably consider it like bad form of pain.

But when you use pain as a source of pleasure, you can create, like, a new type of pain, a good pain, and the ability to kind of differentiate between the two can help you to better understand the bad pain. And, like, for many people, that’s a processing of trauma, and it’s part of reclaiming different types of pain as sources of pleasure. I can see the person, though, if you’re getting into a relationship and somebody immediately comes in and says, I associate pain and pleasure and being somewhat uncomfortable because you’re unsure as to what that entails. Right. If that was part of the question, too, if you were to say in this relationship, I’m really into pain. I enjoy pain during sex. I enjoy playing with that. I might be a little bit intimidated. At first. I might say, oh, my God, what do you mean? What is pain? Are you going to do something. So I think it also comes down to that communication element where it’s like communicating to your partner. What do you mean? Do you mean I personally enjoy paying? Do I enjoy giving it? Do I enjoy receiving it? Because that might be something that would intimidate me if we were just getting into a relationship. And you said that? Yes. And I think that’s why we keep having these conversations and encourage people to take whatever they’re hearing here. And whether you agree or disagree or you find something appealing or off putting, have conversations, like with your friends, with anyone in your life with whom you have consensual conversations around sex to explore all these different concepts. And you can kind of remain more curious about it and not go to that worst case scenario. Right. Because I guess if let’s say you’ve never experimented with pain and someone says that you might think like, oh, that means that it’s going to be severe. Also, what’s your exposure to it? Because if all you’ve ever seen is what you see on Law and Order or a television show, we’re re watching Law and Order right now. Like, from the early 2000s. You’re welcome to all the listeners. Good thing we don’t have kids because they’re like, my parents are losers. Anyway, I don’t even know where we’re going, but I think it’s just about having an understanding with your partner about what are your expectations around? That curiosity. That’s actually one thing I really like about you is that you remain really curious about things like you have such an open mind to learning more. I know that I can be impatient, and I just want to download the information, but you’re like, enjoying the process and asking questions. Does it seem like I’m enjoying the process because one thing about you and I think I’m sure I’ve said this before, is that no matter what we do, no matter where we go, no matter what you read, what course you take what podcast you listen to, you always find the Nuggets of information. And like your first, I’m always digging for Nuggets. Let me tell you, the first thing you always say is like, yeah, I took something out of that. I learned something there, whereas I can be kind of impatient, like, if there’s 20 minutes and I only took something out of 1 minute, I’ll complain and be like, oh, I didn’t need all that. But you’re very much focused on what you got out of it. What you learned, like, you’ve got that learner’s mindset. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I’m glad I come across as though I’m always digging for Nuggets. Digging for Nuggets. Also a kink, which is perfectly fine. All right.

Before we get to the next question, I wanted to announce, I said I had a couple of announcements. I have a new program coming out, and it is called Master Your Relationship in 30 days, and I have partnered with Coach Sonya from the Coach Sonya Academy for this one, Sonya Zabratani. And we are doing a 30 day program that I’m really excited about. It’s really about passion and pleasure and love and fulfillment. So anyone who’s kind of either struggling with boredom in the bedroom or a lack of passion or just really, anyone who wants to take control and put effort into their relationship, that’s what we’re going to do in this four week course. And it is Wednesday nights starting in January. Just kind of this way to reset in the New Year and invest in your relationship. It’s Wednesday nights on Zoom for three weeks. And then in the fourth week, we’ll still meet on Zoom. But if you can make it to Montreal, we’re going to be doing an event in Montreal as well. And I’m excited for it because we’ve got these sections working on your relationship mindset and under covering your uncovering your relational values the first week so that you can kind of find balance in your relationships. You can create more harmony. And most importantly, you can create relationships where you grow right? And it doesn’t have to be intimate relationships. I really want to think about it in the context of all relationships because we know that relationships are the key to mental health. We know that positive relationships are the key to physical health and most importantly, life fulfillment and quality of life. Like, the most important thing we have are is, I don’t know, the most important thing we have really involves relationships. And then in week two, we dive a little deeper into emotional and relational communication. So how to talk about challenging topics, how to master communication skills for more connection and intimacy. And we go over basically conversations for couples, the essential conversations that really I think couples, but also friends and people in relationships ought to have for long lasting relationships and kind of working through the things that trigger us. And then in week three, we move into bedroom mastery. So we dive into your sexual values. We dive into the three FS of communication help you to kind of figure out what it is you want so you can communicate it to potentially partners. And then in week four, we have this live event where we’re going to talk about how to ignite the spark and keep it burning. And I’m going to go over all these tips and techniques. And if you can make it to Montreal, that’s fabulous. If not, we’ll still be doing it online. And we’re sending you a bunch of goodies a bunch of freebies. You get a couple of my online courses for free. Come with this course. And also, if you register this week, you have to email me because we did this promo last night. But you could be listening to this anytime. But if you do register right away, I’m going to send you my book for free. Very nice. As well, so we’re going to link that in the show notes, or you can find it at coachsonyacademy. Com. And I’ll also be sticking it on my Instagram and all of my links. There great time to start and refresh New Year. Yeah. And I think it’s pretty reasonable in terms of cost. So right now it’s $249. Okay. And when we think about what it costs to do, like, one session of therapy, this is just a group, I guess, coaching program, and it’s something new for me. So I’m just excited for this format and to try it out.

So people please do check it out. If you register this week, please email me. So I can also send you a copy of my book I didn’t mention because we’re also running this separate giveaway with Consonant. And I had put it out on my Instagram last week. Like, what do people want me to give away? And I was joking around that nobody wants my book, everybody wants vibrators. So of course, everybody to be super kind is like, I want your book. And then people told me all the things they want. One of them wanted a date with Brandon. Some people wanted a double date lifestyle swinger style with you and me. They wanted, believe it or not, there were two people who said they want the soaps and creams that I steal from hotels. Oh, my gosh. I’ve got cases up there. Don’t tell people. No, get out of here. Somebody asked for an Xbox, I think, is this just an open invitation? Because I’m like, I got a list of stuff that I want. You’d like, a watch. You know what? Sure. I think somebody come and take some of the soaps and shampoos. Shut it. Shut your face. Shut your mouth. I can send out some of those. So it’s funny. One of the people who wrote that in, I know, through work, she’s a friend, but somebody else was a stranger. I’m like, I guess they’ve seen me stealing all the Nespresso pod. Maybe they checked us out at one of the hotels and was like, I’m sorry. You’ve taken an extra bag out of the hotel, and we know what’s in it. They’re like, I’m embarrassed for you. I often come home with more than I left with. And it’s really. And we don’t check luggage, so they all have to fit into a one liter bag. Brandon, it’s not that much. Also, take the small ketchup bottles. This is no joke. Brandon, I need you to take this ketchup from the table that we’re at at the restaurant? No, not at the restaurant. Room service. I’ve taken some at a restaurant once. You mean the little tiny ones? Not a regular bottle of ketchup. What’s that in your pocket, sir? A good bottle. Yeah. Let me just say the other day, one of our neighbors needed some condiments, and I was able to come to the rescue. Oh, that’s amazing. So in the last 20 years, one time somebody needed some freaking catch up, and we were able to come to the rescue. Listen, you’re welcome, Neil. It brings me pleasure. And you know what? It’s probably more than once because I was thinking of not Neil. It was a different neighbor. So you’re welcome neighbors. You’re welcome neighbors. All right, call anytime. So please do check that out in the show notes. I think it’s a good gift to yourself. A gift to a partner. And, yeah, I’m excited to be collaborating with great coach Sonia, who’s actually flying in today to do some shoots with me. But Toronto weather, Montreal weather, of course it’s delayed.

So I have more questions here. I’m just trying to choose from. Oh, here’s a super simple one. Somebody wants to know how you properly clean your vagina after sex. The thing is, you actually don’t need to clean your vagina because it’s a self cleaning oven, and it naturally cleans itself using its normal discharge. You don’t want to wash it out because washing out your vagina on the inside will disrupt the good bacteria and the natural PH that helps to Ward off infection. And actually washing inside your vagina can increase the risk of infection. And it actually is associated with creating discharge that maybe doesn’t smell as good and isn’t as healthy. So do not try and wash it out with water or soap. Instead, wash your vulva like the parts on the outside using water. And you can use a really mild, unscented soap if you’d like. But water alone should really do the trick. You can separate your lips and wash kind of in between them using your fingers. Some people like to kind of just like air dry using their hands. I’m doing it with my hand. Brand is describing it. The other thing you can do is you can go pee after sex to reduce the risk of UTIs, because during sex, bacteria can get pushed kind of into the urethra or near the urethra and peeing after sex can flush it out before it reaches the bladder. So that’s a nice and simple one. Okay, I got this interesting one. Maybe this one is about basically asking me to talk about the embarrassing ways that people masturbate. So I put it out on IG and got a bunch of responses. I think this is the thing. It shouldn’t be embarrassing. There’s no right way to masturbate. I always joke that climbing the ropes in high school gym class is like the common source for accidental pleasure for young women, for people with vulvas. And it’s funny because the crowd always laughs when I make that joke. So I’m like, I know that that’s got to be a common experience. I’ve heard that from you before. I’m curious to we shame people when you have these sudden moments of arousal. Like I remember in high school that there was a gentleman he was wrestling and the story goes that he got hard during a wrestling, like, just during a wrestling match with another gentleman. But that doesn’t mean that he was aroused. No, I know it doesn’t mean that he was aroused, but it was a genuinely awkward moment that still that everyone focused on imagine we can normalize that that’s what I’m saying. It’s kind of like for a woman, you climbing the ropes and you realize, oh, my goodness. This rubbing, somebody touching here or me being touched here arouses me. Whereas this young man accidentally in that situation for whatever reason, was aroused. And it was a point of so he wasn’t necessarily aroused, like, sexually. Okay, so you’re saying he got an erection? He got an erection. Yeah. And so that can be a sign of arousal, but it may not have sexual arousal or subjective sexual arousal, but it may not be right. Haven’t you ever got an erection when? Nrb a no reason boner. Yeah, absolutely. For no reason. Like, you’re genuinely not turned on. And I remember it happening more when I was younger, and it’s like, Why is this happening now? Yeah. Come on. Maybe it was just trying to find north. It was a Compass. It was like, you seem lost. It’s the Apple watch. You seem lost in the Woods. Let me show you what it was. It was my internal Compass showing me where the lunchroom was. But did you understand that you weren’t turned on? I mean, reflecting on it? Yes. I definitely understood that I wasn’t turned on because I remember being frustrated. Like, really, this is happening now, like, I have to get up and walk somewhere and it’s touching my knee. Yeah, sure. That’s what it’s doing. It’s pointing in a certain direction. You’re kind of like, then you’ve got to put your hand in your pocket and you got to hold it against your leg. What’s the term for when you tuck it into your belt? There’s a term for that. I don’t know what the term is. I’d love to know if there is a term. You’re literally the person with all the terms. You know, all these weird. I don’t have the penis in the belt tucking term. So you may have been turned on. Like, I don’t want to tell people what their experience was like.

For example, if you’re wrestling and just the rubbing might feel good, it doesn’t mean that you’re subjectively aroused in your mind, but the body can. So maybe I need to be careful around language, like the body is responding to blood flow to the penis. And so it may be. I guess I should say it may be pleasurable, but it may not be. And so if you have a penis, it’s often more discernible. If you have a penis and you wear skinny jeans or Gray jogging pants, we’re going to see it. If you have a Volva, it’s probably not as visible. I guess you climb the ropes in high school gym class. And you’re, like, Shoot, that feels good. It’s kind of sad, too, that we haven’t normalized, just discovering different forms of pleasure and not being embarrassed about it. Actually. Remember in grade six, there was a girl in my class, and there was, like, this rumor that had a sleepover. Or maybe it was grade five. She had humped a pillow. I don’t know. Somebody had woken up and she was grinding against a pillow. And, I mean, I didn’t understand pleasure as something that was okay. I didn’t understand pleasure as something that was natural. Obviously, you don’t want to be doing this in a group environment without consent. But I think the idea was that she was doing it in her sleep. But I remember it was like, this joke going around, and I think I remember honestly, as a kid thinking like, wow, she’s weird. She’s a pervert. But even though I masturbated when I was at home, right? Like, I may not have used a pillow. I used, like, a harder surface. I use the edge of my radiator, choose the most comfortable item in your house. Of course, it was the hottest thing to keep anything to keep you warm. Yeah. So I did get some responses back on. Ig actually one of them was grinding against furniture. So, like, sitting on the padded arm of a couch, rubbing your pubic bone against the edge of a bed or chest of drawers. Because when you grind on the outside, you stimulate the clitoral shaft and bulbs underneath. So that was one way somebody said they masturbate. Other people said, humping pillows. Dogs do it. Humans do it, too. Wrapping your legs around a pillow. Some people use a rolled up sheet between their legs. So I’m talking. These are all people with vulvas. Kind of squeezing your legs together can feel really good. Some people do it. Just watch. Some people said that they watch hot movie scenes. They don’t like porn, but they like sex scenes. We got a bunch of responses where people say that they masturbate on the toilet, like, they’ll be going pee, and then they look down and, like, a lot of people, you’ll be going pee, you look down and they see something down there. They’re like, oh, there’s a stray hair. I’m going to pluck it or, oh, there’s this thing. I’m going to take a look at it, and then they start rubbing off, like, sometimes the mood strikes you after you finish going pee or going to the bathroom, or maybe you’re on your phone. Somebody said that they like to masturbate on the toilet after they’ve had a bowel movement after they’ve gone poo, because there’s that pressure down there alleviated. Maybe they’re using a bidet. Yeah, we just came back from we just came back from this hotel with a built in bidet. Oh, my God. That was great. Do you want to know what felt good? I don’t think I’m TMI too much, but I like the feeling oscillating. Warm water. Yeah, I like the warm water being sprayed at me while I was going pee. It felt good because I couldn’t tell the difference between the warm water and what was going in and not in. But what was going up and what was going down. You did it at the same time. Well, good for you. Can I ask you? Because this bidet was so cool. Were you sitting to pee? 100% and the toilet seat was warm? The toilet seat was warm. I looked forward to peeing in the morning. I was like, I can’t wait to sit down. I wondered if you came in and saw me. If you’d be like, what are you doing? You wouldn’t even know what’s happening in the morning. No, I have no idea where I am half the time, but I 100% sat down was great. Other things. People said they use the shower head. They use running water that makes sense. And there’s some toys on the market. By the way, if you don’t have, like, a removable showerhead, there’s one called the Water slide that you can check out. There’s one called the Femme Fountain. And it’s interesting because when we think about masturbation and it’s still so stigmatized for so many of us, we do tend to think about what we see in porn, mainstream porn. And I think about always in porn. For people with vaginas, they’re like shoving their fingers up their vagina or they’re using, like, a big, phallic looking toy. But there are so many other ways people masturbate. So I actually really appreciate this question and kind of just want to remind folks that it really doesn’t matter how you indulge in pleasure or how you reach orgasm, whether it’s physically or mentally like, there’s no right way. There’s no wrong way.

Unfortunately, we had Freud who suggested that certain types of orgasms are more mature. And I’m just so glad that we’re so far beyond that. And those were people sent me physical reasons or physical ways they masturbate. But I think that it’s so important to also talk about, like, what are we doing? Psychologically, mentally, emotionally like, you can be turned on by risk or challenge or fear or love or romance or safety. Some people like penetration. Some people like stuff on the outside. Some people use their fingers. Some people use toys, others prefer a penis or a tongue and whatever. I guess you can’t really use a tongue if you’re masturbating. But whatever you do, you do you I think it’s great just to hear how other people are pleasuring themselves, because for me, I start thinking, oh, I hadn’t thought about this or oh, I hadn’t thought about that. And now maybe you take the time to try that and it just opens up another Avenue for pleasure or just another way to kind of explore, which ultimately, I think, is going to lead to better things. Yeah. And I didn’t get as many responses from people with penises about masturbating. Like, some people talked about different toys you were trying to love Honey blow motion the other day. Yeah, we got a sample, so I had to try it. It sucks hard, doesn’t it? It does. If you don’t have your penis in it, when you have your penis in it, it doesn’t suck as much. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. How can you tell how it’s touching if your penis isn’t in it? Well, I mean, if you turn it on and just put your finger in it or something like that, if you put your finger in it, you would think to yourself, Whoa, that is sucking in rather aggressive. Well, that’s what I do, because I don’t have a penis. I put my finger in when you put your penis in it. No, it doesn’t feel quite as that intense. So I think somebody might look at it, turn it on and think, oh, my gosh, I’m not doing that. Okay. When in reality, when you put your penis inside of it, it’s not nearly as aggressive as if you were to just put your finger in it. So it must sort of to do with size, like my fingers so skinny. Yeah, I think it’s also you turn it on. It’s making noise. It’s sucking in. I mean, I’m kind of explaining this toy, so it’s like a flushlight. No, it’s the love honey blue motion motion. Real feel masturbator. Sorry about that. But essentially, if you were to, it pulls in like there’s a suction motion pulling in, and then there’s actually a vibration on the inside. And at the very tip of where your penis goes to me, it feels like there’s another vibration vibrating on the frenulum. Okay, so there’s multiple pathways to pleasure with the blow motion. Okay. And you mentioned flashlight. That’s another brand. I don’t know if they were. I think they might have been, like, the originators. Sorry. I thought flashlight was almost like a generic term.

My apologies. No, don’t apologize. No, not at all. And it’s not like you can talk about anything you want. Like, Fleshlight is Fleshlight. It’s another brand. I’ve played with it with people in the past, but I don’t know if you’ve tried a flashlight. Have you tried a flashlight? No, I haven’t tried a flashlight before. Okay, so we’ll have to get you one. Yeah, but blow motion sent that, and I tried it. And, yeah, it certainly had a number of different ways to stimulate. But anyway, we’re kind of getting a little bit off topic just because you were talking. No, that’s people with penises who explained how they were masturbating. Yeah, well, actually, it’s funny, because another thing people asked for when I asked them what prizes they wanted, somebody asked for the Arcwave ion. They’re like that thing that you and Brandon have talked about. And so the Arcwave ion is totally different as a Stroker because it uses the same technology as the womanizer toys licensed, not stolen. If you know anything about the industry here and it sits over the frennulum moves over the frennulum so you stroke. But you’re also getting these little pulse waves of air over the frenulum, which is Super Super sensitive, and it has similar receptors in that area to the cltoris. They call them basinian receptors. So that’s another option. The arc wave ion. I like that you’re so technical about things. There was this thing and the penis and felt good. No, I think people like to hear your perspective. I wish I wasn’t a robot, but meet Mark is just the way I am. I will say that just for I think it’s a couple more weeks. Dr. Just 25 is still valid at TSC CA. So it’s today’s shopping choice, but we really call it. I still call it the Shopping Channel. But Tse CA you know that I host their show on CDTV, and that’s a really deep discount code 25% because to save 25% off of these higher end toys, even on like, Sorry, like you’ll see the Black Friday deals, they go up to 20%, but it’s 25%. Doctor Jess, 25. Get your orders in now for the holidays. Tse CA the full website is Tse CA. Sorry. The full website is Tse Caintimately. You and I know that’s really long. So we’ll link it in my bio and in the show notes. I’m sorry I wasn’t coughing. I was actually trying to get you to pay attention that I have been on the show once. People are pretty deal. My mom is very excited that you are on TSC intimately. You with Dr. Jess. I was on Dr. Jess’s show. I was no. Are you kidding? Everyone’s calling at Brandon show now it’s a joke. We all know that I have nothing to do with it. Very little. Not sure. All your brain. Johnson, my mom is just so excited that you are on TV. The whole family dynamic is so wild.

All right, okay. We actually have to stop because I have to run. I’m doing something with global TV right now, but I hope that you took something out of those questions and answers. And obviously there’s so much more to add. So please keep sending in your questions and also send in your editions. If you really want to send in additional commentary and insights, please head to our website so you can record using the little button there. Or you can just record a voice note on your phone and send it in and we can play it on the podcast. Nobody wants to do that, but I’m begging you all. I’m begging you. Don’t forget folks to head on over to my Instagram to enter the Mask and Masturbate contest because it is full of vibrating. Goodies. My book some amazing products. Facial products from Consonant follow Consonant Life and if you are looking to buy something for yourself or for someone else, please do check out 30 Days to Master your relationships. This four week program. I know the language is a little stronger than I usually use, but I think it’ll be really valuable to just work your way through this program with lots of exercises and homework and really just dedicating about an hour and a half or two a week for the first four weeks of January to working on your relationships, your values and figuring out what it is you want. And it’s tailored. It’s intended to be tailored to. It’s tailored to people who are single as well as couples, and you can do it on your own or with a partner. And if there’s any way you can make it to Montreal. The live event is January 26 in Montreal. I’m pretty excited about this program with Coach Sonya. Great way to start the new year. Investing in Yourself investing in a relationship if you have one. Absolutely all right, Babe, thanks for chatting with me today. Thank you. Thanks so much, folks, for listening wherever you’re at, I really hope you’re having a great one.

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