October 21, 2021
Porn Literacy, Communication & Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones
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Sex educator Justine Ang Fonte joins us to talk about porn literacy, how parents can talk to kids about pleasure, and how we can set boundaries with friends, loved ones, and partners. She shares the three things parents should consider when talking to kids about sex and online content as well advice on how to get over our discomforts talking about sex. She also walks us through some challenging scenarios and provides scripts for saying no and asking for what you want.
If you need help setting a boundary, DM @_good.byes, and Justine will do her best to help you out! And be sure to follow Justine on her Instagram and Twitter accounts!
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Porn Literacy, Communication & Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and relationship advice you can use tonight!
Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co-host Brandon Ware, here with my lovely other half Dr. Jess. Hello today. We are going to be talking ghosting and boundaries and porn literacy and much more with the lovely Justine Ang Fonte. Are are you good at boundaries. Not good at all boundaries really. Think you’re good at boundary. I’m terrible but i think you’re much better than me like i guess next to a f- student like me. If you’re a see that that looks pretty good. You look like a bar is low. I’ve got a. I’ve got a low bar. I mean in some ways and with some people. I’m getting better. But i find that if i’ve if i’ve been poor at setting boundaries for awhile. It’s hard for me to start them whereas in newer relationships. I can be a bit better. So we’re going to have to get into. It would just dean but before she joins us. I wanna let you know about an online event. I have coming up with tight tightrope by silken so. This is on october twenty seventh so this coming wednesday at eight pm. I’m going to be talking sexual health and pleasure and taking all of your sexual health questions live on facebook so if you want your questions answered because i know some people can’t get their questions answered here because i’m slow. Please join in tune in over on tetris. Facebook and i’ll have the links and the show notes and do checkout tater in the meantime i’ve been working with them. They are an at home device. That is designed to reduce urinary incontinence to improve bladder control to promote natural lubrication and increase station and pleasure. And i i was speaking to a woman the other day When i was doing some of my training she was talking about the fact that she’s been using it using the tetra now for just a few months at home and she just uses it while she’s reading so it’s an insertive device and she says that it’s already stopped the leaks while she’s playing tennis she’s like the measure for me is how i am on the tennis court and It’s also been shown to improve sexual response. What it does is it. Uses radio frequency energy to increase collagen and elastic fibers. And i’ve learned a lot about it from my doctor. Jessica shepherd who’s an obgyn and if you watch my show on tse d. tv you know we featured it as well. I and if you wanna learn more you can learn more at tightrope dot ca. It’s t. i. G. h. t. r. a. dot ca. all right. let’s talk boundaries. Lord knows i need this conversation in my life joining us. Now is justin amazon. A intersectional sex educator based in new york city. Thanks so much for being here. Thanks for having me jeff. All right i have to ask. How did you get into sex education. The cliff notes version of that is. I started off as a math teacher in an eighth grade class in houston texas and i had twenty four students two of them who were already parents and to them that were pregnant at the time. And these were fourteen to sixteen year. Olds so i saw direct connection su How health can impact learning and academic achievement and wanted to do something about health education in america and led me to a masters in education a masters in public health and doing work in specifically sex ed or eight at say basically my story but south of the border like i was the same shoes a high school teacher thing so no surprise. We’ve kind of found ourselves on a on a similar path. Now young talk a lot about porn literacy with young people with parents. First of all what is porn literacy. And why is it so important today. Porn literacy is understanding that what we are watching on the screen is not meant to be an instruction manual for how to understand ourselves and how to connect with other people it is. An entertainment industry is meant to be appreciated for the wildly unrealistic fantasy. That it is but not be our tool to learn how to behave with other people or what to make sense of our bodies so it’s my hope that young people that get porn literacy lessons in school are reminded of act that it’s totally normal and common to be curious about your body’s but there are medically accurate and unbiased in safe places to actually get the information as to how to understand it and it’s not always through an entertainment industry like mainstream porn. Absolutely you know. Here’s a question. I get parents oftentimes. So their kids are watching porn. Or they’re teenagers are watching porn. They’ve taken your courses. They’ve kind of read the articles. They don’t wanna shame young people they also want to have conversations about what it means to be literate about what’s missing from corn and they know that i don’t know they’re sixteen seventeen year old likes to use porn like it’s a tool that they use but corn is intended for people over eighteen. What do they do like. How do you recommend apparent deals with that.
00:05:02 – 00:10:06
Because if you’re just tell your sixteen year old who are not allowed to watch porn dot is not for you. We know what the result is going to be. Yeah well iraq is that they don’t wait for their first time to have a conversation about sacks to be when they’ve already been watching porn for probably years at that point so waiting until sixteen seventeen is fairly late. It’s not too late. But i mean you’re probably already five years too late. They’ve been doing it. And so it’s important that parents center their conversations at any age about on safety fulfilment and pleasure. I say this time and time and again that we want our kids to be safe emotionally and physically we want them to feel fulfilled in their identity and who they are an embrace of who they are and surround themselves with people who affirmed their identities and we want them to experience fun enjoyment and pleasure so that can look like a lot of things that does not mean it has to entail intercourse. It doesn’t mean that it entails abstinence. It’s about really having a self mastery as to what feels right for your body and not just one of those things but all three. So i would apply the same council when it comes to porn is porn for you in service of your safety of your fulfilment and of your pleasure and they’re quick to check off the box for the last one because they are literally probably getting off and having the dopamine rushes to prove that but are they actually learning examples of how to practice and engage in sex in safeway’s are they feeling good about how their body type or their race is being represented. And what is it telling them about the people they are watching and what they make sense of people who share the same identities in the real world or are they going to start treating them in the same way that they’re being depicted on camera and so really just censuring their messaging on those three things and having young people evaluate for themselves. Is this safe. Is this fullfilling to me. And is this something that provides me pleasure and all three needs to be there in order for them to. I think live better sexual and intimate lives. I like those three layers. And i think about parents really being into the safety part but being uncomfortable with the fulfilment and the pleasure part. How do we get parents over that hump because when you talk about porn literacy. I know that you’re working with young people but as adults. We need porn literacy to write in the absence of comprehensive sex education. We missed out on. We know that porn is our first line of expectation in education and how problematic that can be so how. How do parents even embrace that perspective that you know you want your young person in your life to have fulfilling relationships legible sex lives yeah i mean i think a lot of parents haven’t yet unlearn a lot of the things. They’ve been socialized to believe and a lot of them haven’t healed from their own sexual traumas and experiences and so they are. There’s a lot of anxiety and wanting to even talk about these things let alone. Think about their child’s pleasure. And so i think getting them to. I reflect on their first experience with sexuality whether it be a word they learned whether it be a behavior they experienced a person that they encountered. Whatever it is that told them. Oh i m supposedly sexual being. Was it a positive or a negative experience for them. Most of them are going to say negative or confused or insecure. Or something you know with negative connotation to it now if that’s the case which it is for most parents is that an experience you would want for your child because there’s a lot of parents that say i am a sex positive parent. I want to be. But i just don’t think they’re ready for the stuff yet. And it’s more that they’re not ready for this stuff yet to talk to their kid about. And so if you don’t want your child to have a similar negative experiences sexuality. That means have to be proactive. Just because you’re talking about this stuff it doesn’t mean that they’re going to have sex tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden these things are going to actually occur. It’s actually going to increase their levels of scrutiny on the relationships that they’re involved in because they have a growing self mastery of themselves and that is allowing them to be protective. It’s allowing them to discern what types of behaviors. they’re ready for and if they’re about to engage. They knew they know the consequences of what to do to protect themselves so it actually delays sexual initiation if that’s what they’re scared of as the studies show and when they do engage sexually. They’re more prepared to be safe. Which is ultimately parents want but what we want them to actually feel affirmed in their own body and also enjoy it because they’re doing it safely and in a way that’s in service of their wellbeing right and when pleasures at the forefront we start to tackle all these other issues around consent around communication like when pleasure is really what we hold.
00:10:06 – 00:15:01
In high regard yes of course safety and also fulfillment. I really appreciate that layer to That’s such a useful tool. I think to reflect upon your first experience. How did it feel headed. It’s still in your body. Did you feel the next day. And what would you do differently. What would you want differently. And so i imagine you do that. Exercise with parents than it can be quite powerful. And that’s something that i think. Listeners can can try right now especially if they’re considering what it means to be a sex positive parent especially if they intend and really want to support their their child or young person in their life. Thirteen are struggling so that is still helpful. Now i also wanna talk to you about your ghost account your ghost writing service. So i’m really excited for this. I don’t know if you have a chance to maybe pull up that account for yourself. Because i was gonna read out some of your notes. But it’d be much veteran in your voice but just team has a ghost writing account on instagram called goodbyes. So it is underscored. Good dot buys underscore. And so what you do yeah. This account is create customized boundary scripts for life for your dating life but also for friendships for family for romantic partnerships for business partnerships. And folks can. Dm you scenarios like things that they’re stuck with and you help them come up with. Here’s what you can say and you know Already knew you had this. I follow the account of engaged with the counter really appreciated but now i’m thinking i need your help. I’m thinking about one that not doing this episode on one just free therapy free education on time. I actually could use it in business that it’s it’s really really helpful so you had one from a person in this is probably a pseudonym but aparna and there are no it was to a friend named aparna so this sounds like to me. It was a friend who’s front in a new relationship with someone named rudy. And maybe this friend aparna is always bringing rudy when they meet up with the person who’s writing to and they’re feeling like a little bit frustrated that hey we used to be friends but now it’s always the three some of us. Sometimes i just wanna see you alone when i read this. I thought about an old relationship in my life so some friends who are friend group kind of fell apart because one friend maybe wasn’t driving with the other friends new partner and i don’t even know how it went down. I feel like i kind of just remove myself from the situation. But i remember that. It was sort of stressful. And we will probably. I don’t know if we were in our twenties probably at the time but we didn’t have the language to say. Hey i’d really like to see you alone and so you’ve given us some language. Would you mind describe that situation properly. Yeah i can summarize a little bit more. Emr the earth came to me and said you know. I really just want to start hanging out with my one friend who i used to be close with and then the pandemic happens so there was a big pause of course but when we were able to reunite she would always have her boyfriend with her and i have no problem with him. He’s fine. But i wish i could spend time with her one on one so i don’t know how to do that without offending her. Cleese help friendly ghostwriter and so. This is what i came up with. Hey aparna. I’m so happy for you and rudy. It was nice to see you after sheltering in place for so long and to meet him during these last couple of reunions. We’ve had youtube are really great together since we haven’t gone to spend much one on one time together though i haven’t gone to share my more personal updates with you and wanna fill you win. Can we set up a time soon for the two of us. I think it’s great. If i had sound effects i’d have applause. I love it but so this is so helpful. So i wanna just go through more of them because they’re so good so you have another one which is and i want to get to ghosting. Obviously because this is yellow when people think about ghosting they think about dating but we also ghost friends we also ghost. We ghost and businesses. Like think about when. I used to manage our long long time ago. I remember that you know you’d hire someone. And then they change their mind and they wouldn’t show up for their first ship and it’s not that they were being crappy people. I think they just didn’t have the language to say. Hey jess i found something better than your crappy nightclub or i have to admit. I ghosted someone when i was about eighteen. I had just broken up with my boyfriend. And i was working in a bar and this customer very regular asked me out and honestly I didn’t know if i really wanted to go out with him. And this kind of goes back to another issue where. I don’t always know what i want. And this is also twenty years ago but i remember going out with him. A couple of times used nice enough but there wasn’t something something there and then i just didn’t return phone calls. ’cause i quit that bar places of employment. I didn’t click the bar to avoid him. I just happened to also put that far. And yeah i a- i never i.
00:15:01 – 00:20:03
I still feel badly that. I never said to him. Like i’m just not interested in seeing you anymore. So we and so i you know so. Many years later mcgaugh ghosted someone. That’s not cool. And i should definitely do better. Alright so we’ve got other boundaries setting advice here let’s go to Oh how about mel so. This is the sixth one on your feed right now. second row. far-right. So i read this as this person needs some space for mel. But maybe you can give us better context. We’ll try and explain it this time. Yeah this one. Got some You critiques which is you. Know not uncommon. And i welcome feedback. But it’s hard because people don’t know what the request specifically is. And i really tried to match the tone of what my request is asking where you’re not always gonna agree with somebody else’s boundary so then automatically you know. Some keyboard. warriors will wanna share their opinion about that when it’s just dislike. Here’s a thought. Then don’t use this boundary clearly. It doesn’t apply to you but it’s certainly applies to other people and that it’s attempted it’s not meant to like you can only use this verbatim like i’m here to provide you with a crutch to lean on to edit from and to revise as you see fit but at least get the ball rolling otherwise normally just ghost altogether and so this one was really complicated long request from a follower who had encountered mel all. The names are also just made up. Who has been going through a lot of stuff With health but just in general usually has a very like one way street type of relationship and it started to take a toll on my follower but they felt guilty in leaving because now clearly going through health issues so never steals like the right time to pull away and set a boundary. Otherwise mel’s going to be left you know maybe alone. And so that obligation was very real and it felt hard to draw a line with someone. Who is you know clearly dealing with something but also was aware that mel has other people to go to for support but continually uses my follower for the support without ever reciprocating at even pre health issues and so it was just very much a a take take take type of relationship and now just amplified because the health issues and this was really taking a toll to the point that cumulatively my father just couldn’t take it anymore a needed to draw a line even though mel’s going through a lot of stuff basically you know huge cry for help. What do i do ghostwriter because this is seems so delicate. But i really need to prioritize my own well being and it’s starting to infringe on that so i mean i feel for that super complicated. You feel you don’t want to break up on someone on valentine’s day you don’t want to break up on their birthday or you already know. Their mom is sick and so they’re stressed out so you’ll break up with them later. Right i get why people will make those accommodations. I also get why people need to take care of themselves to right and so this is a really hard thing that many people be like. Oh my god this person so mean and then therefore what. You just keep prioritizing someone else’s well being over yours especially when you know that this person lives in a an environment that has a village that can take care of them. Why are they leaning on this one other person so here is my template. Hey mel i know this year has been a lot for you with all the health issues. You’ve been dealing with. I care about you and i’m glad to have been able to show up for you during this hard time. I really struggled to say no to my friends when they need help. But i also need to make sure that i’m holding healthy boundaries for myself by maintaining contact with friends who reciprocate my support so that i also cared for though you will hear from me less. I will be thinking about you this week. Excellent that’s a hard one. i mean i’ve been. I’ve been not got situation but a situation where it feels like a friend is always unloading on you and you really only talking about their issues and then you can’t even believe i’m thinking of a friendship from also a long time ago. You almost can’t interject conversation because you’re talking about something that is so serious like it. Is maybe real trauma our real struggles and you do want to be supportive and at the end of a lunch or dinner. It feels like a therapy session right right right. I’m sure the therapist would run into this all the time. I find that one super helpful i wanted. I wanted to a few more from here. So you have one from aden in the third row in the middle and it sounds like eight in his dating this person but maybe not quite single. Can you give us some context on that one. Remember the me hold on. Let me refresh my memory here. Yeah i think this request was that they weren’t out of their other relationship yet. And oh okay. I remembering now. So this follower actually sent me to screen shots from their correspondence with aidan.
00:20:03 – 00:25:01
And i remember now i was so triggered by it because i did not agree with the boundary. They wanted to send. And i just was trying to tell her girl need to just run like just a djirak this altogether because and so this was kind of like me meeting her in the middle here because i really felt like based on the correspondence like this guy is trash just needs to. You just need to not be a part of this at all. It was clear that he was stringing her along and wanting to you know be in this taking this new dates but not fully say goodbye to the other one because he kind of wanted to keep her as a safety net in case the other one fell through without being transparent about that and so you know and she was kind of like. Hey over here you forgot about me like you haven’t replied in a while kind of thing you know whatever so then. My assistance with this was more of like a. I think you need to move on away from aden and if you are really comfortable in him coming back in your life. I can try to figure out a way to say that. But i don’t want you to communicate to him okay. I’ll be here waiting for you. In case that fails that seems thirsty and unnecessary and not helpful to you and your own progress and well-being so this is the middle ground that i found for For the follower. Hey aiden. I’m only comfortable with you reaching out to me in the event that you are completely single. No one wants to be strung along. And i feel like that’s the position i’m in. I need to spend my time and effort on people who choose me. Take care excellent or a now you also have a number on here for setting boundaries with parents so maybe parents who are dropping by unannounced maybe parents who are interfering in your finances maybe parents who are interfering in how you raise your kids so i really recommend people go. Check out your friendly ghost writer on instagram again. It’s underscore good dot buys underscoring of course believe that in the notes and if it’s easier you can find justin’s baiji and go from there in her ideas i’m justin af also i am just in af so you can find goodbyes from there But definitely will be in the show notes now if we go back to. You know ghosting more specifically in dating. Tell me why. Why do you think people ghost like why do we even struggle to set boundaries in the first place while to go back to what we were talking about earlier about the pleasure layer when we talk about safety fulfilment of pleasure. What i mean by pleasure is not just like the feeling good or having an orgasm or just having fun. But it’s also recognizing that you are deserving of that and you can demand that and you can expect that from people to provide you with that and when you recognize your deserving of pleasure it means that you can comfortably say no to things that don’t provide you with pleasure whether that be in a professional setting a personal setting a social setting. You’re like. I don’t actually want to go to brunch with her this weekend. So why am i saying yes. We’ll because she asked so what. Then you say no. You don’t wanna go to brunt if it’s not going to be fun for you why are you giving into this. Oh because you feel obligated you feel guilty you feel like you can’t say no you feel like you don’t know how to say no and so the last one is very much where i come in. Let me teach you how to say no in a way. That’s compassionate and assertive. But if we think about all those reasons we say yes to something. We actually don’t want to do but do so anyway. This is the heart of why we don’t live in a consensual culture. This is the same. It’s similar to why people say yes to sex if they actually don’t want to have sex and that’s why the no means no why yes is not enough. We need an engaged really given enthusiastic. Yes and exercise. Emotional intelligence to really decipher is this person’s entire body wanting to do me or do they feel obligated guilty or don’t know how to say no so they do it anyway and so part of my work and consent. Education has not only been something. I’ve been doing with young people and with adults but i’ve implemented in the wild as a dater in new york city and realized that when i am asserting my boundaries around what. I’m comfortable with on a date. I’m seeing their true colors. Come out. I mean given the patriarchy that we are in you know i really understand a straight man better when he told no to something because how he reacts says a lot to me. I’m not gonna learn a lot if i praise him. I’m gonna learn a lot if he is told no. And i see his reaction to a no. They’re not used to being told. No i mean look at like the straight white men who are you know so offended by the mandates to wear a effing mass right.
00:25:01 – 00:30:16
I mean the what you’re telling me. I know to my freedom of being able to breathe right and so they just react so poorly and so anyways thousand tangent when i started to implement like boundaries in my own dating life i realized. Wow this makes sense. Because i’m comfortable talking about consent or implements again my life because i teach it but a lot of my friends will come to me saying like. I don’t really like this guy. But i don’t know like there’s something wrong with him but i feel bad dates and i’m like this sounds like a horrible situation and a waste of time. Why don’t you just tell them you’re not interested like i don’t wanna be me. That’s like the number one reason. Same thing when. I asked my students like why. What’s what’s so scary about set. I don’t wanna ruin the moment so it’s the same vibe of i don’t want to be this buzzkill. I wanna only put good vibes out there. I’m like you can still put good vibes and set boundaries and see that this person may be a good platonic relationship and not a good romantic or a sexual relationship. You know or this. Is someone that you like working on team project with. But you don’t wanna get happy hour with that’s okay. We want to just enjoy people’s company and recognized pleasure can mean a lot of different things but we can’t expect one person just because we hang out with them in one capacity that we wanna spend all our time with them so using that pleasure you know lens includes your deserving of setting boundaries that means that you’re preserving energy and protecting your energy for people that deserve it back but also that people with people who are reciprocating And respecting your time and providing you with such benefit and so i think people’s struggle and lean on ghosting because they don’t want to ruin the moment they don’t want to be mean but oftentimes they just feel like it’s awkward and it’s easier to just not say anything and i get it i get it. I have the temptation to do that often as well. But i also know that when i’ve been ghost did i feel like it would have been nice to know why or just put some kind of closure tied up in a nice ribbon before just like saying you know wishing you well just sending my best kind of thing but just all of a sudden dropping off. You know many people if they’re not feeling like they’re on the same page or wondering like oh well. Maybe their phone died know. Maybe they lost their phone other. They wanna make up all these things and then you’re kind of laugh with uncertainty and for a lot of people that’s a lot of anxiety so why not. Just say hey. It was nice to get dinner with you and finally meet you in person. I just don’t think that we have enough chemistry to keep this going. And there’s many iterations of what that can look like in the compliment. Sandwich category that i have or in the you know. Just non communicator. Like look. I’m a stickler for my time and i just feel like you don’t you didn’t respect it and that’s not something i’m looking for in a partner or this is very different information than what you pitched yourself to be when we were texting. So you know. I’m going to step away from this and hope you find someone that aligns with you know who you are what you do or whatever it is and so. I feel like that’s fine. You can be compassionate while being assertive. But i think people believe that. There’s only one way you can be. And if you’re setting a boundary you’re automatically deemed as museum so this is something that is very much struggle for those who have been socialized through that feminine lands. Where you’re not supposed to hurt people’s feelings you need to be an accommodator needs to be a caregiver and many fans will not want to set boundaries because they haven’t been socialized see that as acceptable a so a lot of my followers and a lot of my requests come from women who are struggling to set boundary. Because they haven’t really been taught that that can be something that’s healthy you know. This is also helpful in all of those scripts you’re offering. I think are really helpful. I know that definitely was raised to be an accommodator. I really struggle with people pleasing I don’t think. I have trouble as much in intimate relationship sir. I don’t know that. I’d have trouble in dating as much because those seem very clear. Cut to me but i really struggled to say no to people more generally and you know brandon. I do so much stuff. I don’t wanna do. So we started here talking about ghosting but it really a an enemy lines with this kind of inability to set a boundary or communicate boundary. And i do think the age and gender and race and other elements of our identity like one more desperate fit in or trying to be lights. Or i don’t know where we feel. Our reputation has to be one hundred percent. Positive all around that really. That can be a struggle. So i’m trying to think if i can give you an example of something that i struggle with and maybe you can help me with the scrip. Mine would be example. Not you know. A lot of people will request like kohl’s with me or just to chat. Sometimes they’ll pressure me. Like i do find a lot of folks so a lot of folks in our field are super respectful of your time and a lot of folks also feel entitled that first group tends to be a very different demographic than the second group and i’ve had people message me so like for example and it always is white women usually.
00:30:16 – 00:35:02
They’re older than me and they’ll be like. Oh i want to talk to you about this or that. Because they’ve discovered their sexuality and they wanna go into the field and they wanna call with me. And i’m not a call person like i don’t like talking on the phone with anyone i don’t like i don’t even like zun calls. I will taxed but also. I don’t want a text gazillion right and then they’ll when if i say like send me or questions and i’ll see what i can do so what i really want to say is no. I don’t know you. I’m not interested in this but i will always kind of give a an alternative like i don’t have time for a call traveling but if you send me your questions via email i’ll do my best to get back to you. And then sometimes they’ll send me their questions and there’s a gazillion and answered these questions already on my blog in my podcast in an faq section for people who wanna become sexologists like and then other times kind of push back and say like. Listen mrs about women helping women. They’ll kind of pull that card. Like i’m being anti feminist. Because i won’t get on the phone with some person that i don’t know and i don’t know shows any respect for me and the nfl honestly. I’ve hopped on phone calls. And you’ve watched me brennan very bad at getting awful phone calls. Which is why. I don’t like phone calls. I can start a conversation with anyone. But i don’t add one and brennan will watch me on a call for like an hour almost like not rolling my eyes but just being like this person’s unloading on me. They’re telling me like how they discovered sexuality. And i get that that. That’s a big deal for you personally. But it’s actually not my big deal. An hour of my time is a lot like. I’m pretty busy with not just work but like a lot of family responsibilities you. I’ve got lots of stuff going on here. And now i’m totally having a therapy session. Thank you ghostwriter but like okay so then let me. Let me keep talking. It’s make this about me My therapist has said like you need to visualize the thing that you’re saying yes to and decide if you kind of what you said just seen not not so much pleasure but like is good for you when you visualize yourself doing that thing whether it’s getting on a call or going and speaking mom group that you didn’t wanna speak to for one reason or another i do like speaking to groups. It’s just sometimes thinking one. I was pressured into visualize yourself there and does it feel good and so i’m like okay. This isn’t a super useful tool. It really helps me decide what i want to do and what i don’t want to do because as if we go back to that time i was asked to it when i was eighteen and didn’t even really want them but i felt like i shouldn’t say no. I don’t always know what i want like. I really struggled so that visualization exercise is really helpful. And my therapist is giving me that. Here’s where i’m a little bit stuck. I know what i want. But how do i say what i want like. How do i get myself over the hump of not wanting to upset someone. I’ll be honest. Like i’m like why don’t wanna have a reputation for not being supportive. I don’t wanna get a reputation for being difficult. I don’t have a reputation for big timing people or anything like that. That’s a big fear of mine. Yes so how. Do i get over that to set the boundary so olympic. Say i can visualize what i want. And i know what i want. I can even find the words to say at. How do i get myself. Actually use those words to do it. Yeah i really appreciate it question. I get that a lot. And i struggled with it myself and the most sinks answer i have to that million dollar question comes from brunei brown who has said the most boundaried people are. Actually the most compassionate people and i was like wait. How that’s someone to say. No to everything and i started thinking about. You know all the work that i’ve done in this area and how you know self care is really preparation for community care. If you put your oxygen mask on first that is when you will truly be able to take care of the child next to you on the airplane to then put their oxygen masks on right but if you just go right away to sacrificing yourself for other people. You’re not going to have any bandwidth for more people or to give people quality care when you’re with them so it’s just that you’re being intentional with is this going to be optimize or is this going to be a compromise version of me but many people get me. So it’s like quality over quantity and things like that. When i thought of it in that perspective like yeah. I actually am more compassionate empathetic when i have clear boundaries because then when the people actually have my time they won no that i really wanna be there because they know how picky. I am and selective with my time. Not only do they then feel so special because they know i’m enthusiastically freely engaging louis there and present and consensually there but they get all of me and they get the fool me they get the best version of me and they feel truly cared for and seen as opposed to all right.
00:35:02 – 00:40:02
I have all these calls with all these like white moms. Want me to like help. Other women blah blah blah. They’re not even going to get the best jess in all those calls. So that’s i really believe that. That one statement from day. That makes a lot of sense and one of my good friends. Gentlemen me peg has a wonderful quote. That i use all the time to that is my boundaries are not meant to offend you. They’re meant to honor me and some people would be that as like. Oh that sounds selfish and others would be that as well. Why would i want to get away of somebody being able to honor and celebrate themself. Okay cool. They don’t have brunch. That’s okay but when you see it in that perspective you’re of course you want people to love themselves but like are we allowing them and cultivating a space for them to actually love themselves. Even if it means they’re not going to be with you right right and so that’s why i don’t want people to be so scared by rejections so like when you’re getting a rejection or a goodbye from you know a couple dates or whatever it’s like okay. Some people would be really fragile and be like oh well you know them anyway or whatever and then others will be like you know what good for them for being clear about what they want and i am not that person and they should be with somebody that gives them what they want and what they need. I just happen to not be that person. It doesn’t mean i’m a bad person. I’m just not the person for that. Yeah and that was in clear rejection for me always feels better like if i don’t get a gig or i don’t get something i like when they tell me as opposed to just not telling me anything and you’re wandering yelich. Are they going to replace you later. Then they said you always say that in work like you’d rather someone tell you that they don’t wanna work with you and then you’re really good. I noticed about asking why and learning from that young. I mean through work. I have learned to manage. I’m not great at it but better than it was before managing rejection. And honestly i appreciate the most when somebody just says you know what really enjoyed our conversation. But i’m not gonna work with you. You know what. I really respect that when somebody communicates that difficult that difficult sentence or or lined me. I’m like you know what i appreciate your time. We weren’t a good fit. We can still be friendly. Your civil thank you. Thank you very much now. As opposed to just like not hearing from somebody. And then you know you manifest all the things that could be wrong in your brain when mid up you know i am. I just want to say that. I’m not like sex. Educators and sex therapists out there listening. I don’t wanna say don’t reach out to me and ask for help because anyone who knows me like especially the people who worked with folks at sex down south you know that i do want to support your work and i’ll tell you like i find that a lot of the like young sex educators especially sex educators who are people of color enquirer are always super respectful like there. It’s like a state of them. It’s like you’re afraid to ask for help. Because i know how that feels and i tell them like. Ask me asked me for anything you want. Because they don’t pressure mean like they know when against they know. I always noticed too. When i get on the phone. Calls with that cohort cohort that pressure young. As soon as they get on there. Like i wanna thank you for your time like they just show such a respect. So i don’t want this to be. And i do feel really vulnerable kind of sharing something personal like this. I don’t want this to dissuade people from reaching out like if you are new to the field and Especially folks who maybe don’t have the same access. I do want you to reach out to me. ’cause that’s what i’m trying to do in this would you call it. The second half of my career is support people a to move into the field who have been historically excluded from the field and most field. Please don’t let that hold you back. Just not so helpful to me to think about you know not only am i my whole self and my better self when i really think about what i guess. Obligations are not obligations. What requests when engagements honor me. But i also one thing that made me think about this. It means i have more energy for like the people that i am spending more time dedicated to. Whether that’s like my parents were brandon or some close close friends who are like part of my chosen family. I don’t have energy for them. Like i always find. I never have energy left for the people that i feel sort of taking care of. And so that’s i think maybe that what you said helps to add onto the visualization which is okay i visualize weather feels good and then when i decide that okay. This doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to do this. I think what i need to visualize is what will i be missing out on right like. What could i be spending that time and energy doing that’s really a- value to me and aligns with my values in alliance with sort of my life mission. I hope i didn’t share too much. I was self conscious when i share. But i think you’re languages so helpful and really i love love. What you’re doing with the ghost writing says as well as all of your education around porn that history. So thank you so so much for your time today. Yeah thank you for giving a platform to share more about it. Really appreciate it folks. Make sure you’re following along. I’m just seeing a f- and the negotiating account underscore good dot buys underscored which you can get from just account will make sure we share all of that in the show.
00:40:03 – 00:40:18
Thanks so much for tuning in today. Always appreciate that. You decide to spend a little bit of your week with us wherever you’re at hope you have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with dr jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.
