October 28, 2021
How To Seduce & Make Sex More Pleasurable
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We love hearing from you, and this week, we answer your sex and relationship questions including:
- How do I help my partner relax and enjoy hotter sex?
- Should we open our relationship up to swinging?
- How do I deal with my friends shaming me for making porn?
- Should I share my secret erotica with my wife?
To learn more on the Mindful Sex Course mentioned in the podcast, check it out here.
You can save 25% off all sexual wellness products (including the high-end brands!) at TSC.ca/IntimatelyYou using *code DRJESS25
Includes whole suite of products from Womanizer including the Premium Eco and the Arcwave Ion (the penis version). The code also works on the Tightra, a device that helps you work on incontinence, bladder control, lubrication, and sexual functions.
If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here. As well, you can now record your messages for us! Please record your message/question in a quiet room and use your phone’s headphones with a built-in mic if possible.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
How To Seduce & Make Sex More Pleasurable
00:00:05 – 00:05:16
You’re listening to the sax with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with dr. Just podcast. i’m your co host brandon. Wear here with my lovely other. Half dr jess willow. Hello how’re you doing. Good how about you. I’m great thanks for asking Angry because today we’re doing a qna. And i get to read a bunch of questions and put you on the spot as to what the answers are gonna put you on the spot. I i know you are. We’ve been receiving so many questions and so many emails. And i want to quickly note to folks that if you can send them the our website that’s easier for me than through instagram. I tried to get to the ones on instagram. But sometimes they get lost. And i can’t always get to them. So if you sent your questions and we haven’t gotten to them please feel free to resend them via the website. Because i do try and get to them. And even if i can’t answer them here i try and send you links and stuff like that. But i’ve been having trouble keeping up with instagram. And it’s funny. Because i don’t know where this message went but somebody wrote me a message and i can’t find it. Now so this is you please resend it about how i guess. I said something about not writing a five paragraph essay. When you’re sending me or questions sometimes when i’m here on the mike i feel like i’m just talking to brandon and i think i don’t always think about all the people who are listening i don’t i don’t mean to be selfish or unaware that this is in fact a podcast but sometimes i think i just speak off the cuff. Like the type of conversation i’d have on the couch or at the bar and then i feel all self conscious when people send me messages when they’re like. Oh you said this Anyhow it’s okay. If your questions are longer. I understand that folks want to provide background so i hope that that kind of off the cuff remark didn’t make anybody feel bad or shame them. In addition the person who just wrote that to me this week. I can’t find your message. I think maybe it was an instagram or something. And now it’s gotten buried so please do resend that one. Because that’s the one that missing. And i just want to reiterate that i do really appreciate people’s feedback do appreciate your questions. I try and read absolutely all of them as long as they’re not just dick pics. I will not read dick pic. I love brennan. Whole demeanor. Changes when i say dick pics because they know what he’s gonna say. What am i going to say like what would possess. You don’t understand why you gotta go. There always escalates doesn’t it don’t your messages usually involves some. Hey i have a question and then. Why wouldn’t you respond to me. Hey where where’s my question. And then boom dick pic. Yeah or i want to eff you. I’m like okay so we started a question but those aren’t the people we’re talking to now. I’m just really my. Is that those questions anyhow. Okay let’s get to it because we’ve got a bunch of questions to get to before we dive into the questions. Just a reminder that tse dot ca as you know i have the show with pse and city tv appear in canada. They are still offering a very deep discount. So twenty five percent off with co dr jess twenty five. That’s a big discount. Just because of the quality of toys that they offer because many of the other discounts oftentimes won’t include some of the higher end toys. So i thought i just showed out very quickly. They carry the whole suite of womanizer products including one. You may not know about the premium eko so the premium eko is totally unique. It is the first pleasure air sex toy made from sustainable renewable material so everything that they had in the woman is your premium which was pleasure air technology that creates more of a clitoral orgasmic sensation. But it’s made with violin material so it’s a bio based material it’s made largely from renewable raw materials and it’s an eco-friendly alternative to plastic and voids environmentally damaging. Waste so the environment while you get off exactly and it has smart silence technology. So it’s a really really really quiet toy to begin with but when you pull it away from your body it goes into standby mode. So it’s not like running if i don’t know you reach for the lube or change. I want one. That does the opposite so everybody knows that i’m doing so you know. And if you hear this this snowblower going off in the in the washroom. don’t knock. my dad will know just so you know exactly what’s happening. Do you remember when you were. You were running. Some sort of an electric toy align just brandon just gave me cut i because he was worried i was gonna tell another story stories telling that story. That’s private for you one day but you were running your some sort of an electric shaver and my dad was so curious what you’re shaving. Because he’s like it’s not your face and then you told them you’re shaving your balls and i don’t even think i don’t. I use a straight razor. He’s don’t use a straight razors. Imagine i i would castrate myself. But yes so if he’s going to ask. Hey what’s that sound. Don’t shave hinman nuts. That’s why you wanna louder sex toys. I’m saying it’s my stroke or it’s it’s mud madan pleaser. So back to tse dot ca slash intimately us tse dot ca is where you can save twenty five percent with dr just twenty five on all the womanizer toys and womanizer has licensed out their technology to the arc wave so the arc wave ion is the penis version of the womanizer.
00:05:16 – 00:10:01
So the womanizer. Has this little kind of opening that sits around the head of the clitoris. So it’s sort of this indirect stimulation and they’ve taken this technology with the arc wave ion and transferred to a stroking device for the penis. So it’s this stroke over. That has also a little opening on the underside. And that opening is meant to target the french ulum of the penis. Which is the little connective tissue. That olds on the foreskin. Or if it’s been removed they’re still a little sensitive not trait there. And in that area you have something called pecinin receptors which are kind of similar to what the clitoris has generally like the clothes horses. Just so hyper sensitive. And it has to do with those specific receptors and so the freedom of the penis is believed to have a similar response to it. Is the stroke over with that. Extra pleasure. air. Along the underside to target the french elam in. It’s a pretty From what i understand. Because i don’t have a penis up unique sensation. A you’ve tried the wave ion on your pickle. It’s so funny. Because you’re talking to your you said to me. Could you give a quick description of what you think. And i’m like you’re using pecinin receptors and this sort of technology and i’m like it tickled my my penis pickle pickle. You know what i mean and it did tickle like a lightsaber on my penis thinking well i was just thinking about what how it actually looks. It looks very futuristic. I mean there’s somebody who hasn’t used a lot of flashlights. What i can tell you is that i i. I didn’t know exactly what it was doing. I had to read the instruction manual. No i’m just kidding but yeah the. The sensation was very different to anything that i had experienced before it was fun. Trying it in different ways to figure out. If i was using it properly and i enjoyed it it tickled madan all right. That’s the word of the day okay. So tse dot ca they also carry the ark wave ion and that discount code applies across the board. Check it out. Dr just twenty five at tse dot ca slash intimately. You and if you’re in canada be sure to tune into city tv midnight on fridays for intimately you with dr just. I don’t know if it’s in the but episode. Where already did the end the bone or i was just giving you a show. But hey i like where you’re going with. That was cool. Thanks charles boyle all right. Let’s let’s get to these questions. Brennan your this. is you over to you. It’s audio books questions by b-dubs so first question. We have a listener. My husband and i have been together for twenty years and married for eight with two younger children. My husband had struggled with sex addiction for years and has sought help went to essay meeting. So i’m swimming sex addicts meetings and worked really hard to rebuilding our marriage in the last five years. Our marriage has been the best at ever has. Our communication is amazing that we keep growing as a couple. We have been fairly open about sex with anyone and especially together. We have always tried new things talk to each other at the best that we could but since his addiction. We have become even more open and talk about everything. We’ve discovered a lot about ourselves in our relationship. We’ve decided to try some more risky experiences and fantasies. We put ourselves out on the internet and created some porn videos. We talked about possible outcomes that there could be and we were both okay and very excited about it. We did it for a couple of years and loved. It are close. Group of friends came across it and it blew up. They sent it around to people that they knew and obviously talked crap. We knew that it was one of the many outcomes. And i wasn’t upset about that. I’m upset because my closest girlfriends had a hard time with it and now our relationship isn’t the same. I never felt the same in what my husband and i were doing at should say shame. Shame i apologize. And what my husband. And i were doing because it was together. And we fulfilled a lot of fantasies and kinks. But now that my girlfriends had a lot to say. It made me feel that. I should be ashamed. I’m now questioning my intentions with my husband. And i feel torn. Maybe i shouldn’t have done that. I know that we are Different and are close. Cooper offense but we really sorry. I know we’re different than our close then or close group prevents but did we. Did we mess up. Are we the only people that do this kind of thing. My goodness well. I think i just want to say congrats to you on getting to explore these things and doing something that feels good for you. Shame we talk about shame from internal and external sources and. I think it’s so cool that you don’t experience internal shame. I think a really sucks that your friends are putting this on you and it really sucks that. It’s your closest friends. And the like you know if i were your friend. I’d wanna high five you. If i were a friend outside of this core group. I’d say screw them. I know it’s not as simple as that. And i don’t want to tell you to right everyone off but your question when it comes down to it is. Did we really mess up. And are we the only people that do this kind of thing and no.
00:10:01 – 00:15:00
I don’t think you messed up. It sounds like you’ve created something incredible the fact that you’re saying you’re more open and you talk about everything that you’re happy with yourself that your marriage is the best it has ever been is something to be celebrated and of course relationships don’t occur in a vacuum. Of course you need other sources of social support. But i think this is on these folks to probably deal with their internalisation and projection of shame toward you like this is probably more about their own discomfort. I hope that you’re getting the support that you need from other people who will support congratulate or at least feel neutral about what you’re doing right. Like what do they do for a living with. Do they do for fun. Do you judge them. And i think yeah. I’m i’m really sorry that you’re going through this and i hope that you you get the support. It makes me so sad. Right that you’re saying i never felt any shame and now your friends or shaming you and i just kind of wonder what kind of basis for a relationship that is and how the world is just so anti sex work. I’m looking at this in everything you said makes sense. I mean they had years of great experiences. Like i feel as were there immediately. Discounting those years of great you know of fun of relationship satisfaction and now i’m also thinking about their friend. Group is like your true colors really do shine when you’re under the spotlight like maybe the question is your friendships. And if they don’t want to support you in this time maybe they’ve got maybe they’re jealous. Maybe they have their own issues that they’re trying to work through like you said yeah and you hit the nail on the head. This is really this is about them. This isn’t about you. So i’d be less concerned about how you’re feeling about what you did and more concerned about do you want to continue these friendships and if you do under what terms rightly does it feel good to be around people who make you feel bad about something that you feel really good about anything that feels good for you. You want your friends to celebrate right or at least support or i guess at minimum feel neutral. I’m not. i’m not sure trying to think if the rules were. If i was in a situation in a friend’s sex just be awesome man good for you. Does it make you feel good. Are you happy. I have so many friends who are performers. Who are on camera. And it’s like. I don’t think we talk about their work anymore than we talk about. My two of my other two close friends ones in finance ones in hospital research like and then another friend is insects. Work and another friend is is more of a performer on video in sexuality. And it’s not. Like i mean i. I don’t find one job more fascinating than the other random just as interested in in my friends who are in finance in research and so we need to stop putting sex in its own own box and get over it so really just wishing you the best hoping that you still have this incredible relationship with your partner with your husband and that you can feel good about you know where you’re at regardless of how other people are saying they feel or next question. Hopefully all read this a little bit better than i did. The last i am married to my high school sweetheart. We parted ways after graduation and then got back together. Eighteen years ago along with five kids that came as a part of the package. And i love them like my own. Her last boyfriend mentally physically and sexually abused her severely. When we reunited if i even read my voice a little anger she would cower in the corner and cry which broke my heart. She has parts of her body. That i cannot touch because of scarring now to the present day. She has voice and an end an opinion but our sex life is boring and i’m trying to get her out of her shell and enjoy it. I have more enjoyment in taking her to the big show and wanted to get past that to an earth. Shaking or earth shattering orgasm. I have ordered a few of the toys at you. Suggested in a few of your podcasts and look forward to. Hopefully seeing her quiver. Do you have any other suggestions. That might help her to relax and enjoy the moment more. Thanks and i’ve learned so much from your podcast. I binge listen to it. I left that last line and last line to thank you for sharing and thank you for ordering the toys and i hope they work out for you so there are a couple of things here. I might suggest at one is. Are you also taking pleasure right. So sometimes there can be a lot of pressure on folks who maybe are struggling to open up. Or i think you said that It’s a little bit boring. There can be focused on her orgasm. And so i would think about okay. What can she do for you. What would feel good in your body and then the second thing maybe more obvious thing is mindful practices so mindful practices around sex so not really measuring whether it’s a big o. Or an earthshaking. Oh but just getting to know your body’s a little bit more purposefully a little bit more mindfully and so that might entail doing just. Some breath work together some visualizations. It might entail doing some touch exercises like the hand caress in the face. Caress in the full body caress And i have a course at happier. Couples dot com called mindful sex. And its video course with like thirty different components and audio guides in video guides that. Walk you through all these different. I call them explorations more than anything. I think that it can be useful for people who have dealt with trauma It also can be triggering for people who have dealt with trauma so you definitely want to talk about these things on an ongoing basis and in advance and while you’re doing it and after if you don’t want to take the course i would suggest you. Maybe just start with a hand.
00:15:00 – 00:20:03
Chris so take ten to fifteen minutes. You’re gonna get blindfolded at or close your eyes and she’s just going to kress your hand and arm for ten to fifteen minutes for your pleasure. Nothing sexual not necessarily erotic at all just for you to learn. Take pleasure and for her to learn to give it. You’re gonna tune into the sensations rhythm movement the texture the temperature the energy. The breath sounds and just focus in on those five senses while maybe not all five but a couple of sentences there and then you can switch roles where she does the opposite so she’s going to sit there with her eyes closed and blindfolded and you’re going to give pleasure in her body and you’re just gonna use this as a way to practice being in the moment to tune into sensations to talk about how it felt like how does it feel to just give pleasure. How does it feel to just receive pleasure. What was easy about it. What was challenging about it would. Did you feel in your body. How did your breath affected. Did you feel your heart. Rate shift in those conversations can be really helpful just to cultivate more. Mindfulness i’m giving you the very very truncated version. And if you do have the time and resources do check out the mindful sex video course at happier couples dot com. Because you can use it over the course of a month or two and just kind of see where it takes you because it’s very grounding. I think in very calming to make mindfulness part of your regular practice. So i hope that helps and then you can eventually work your way up. Look at me. Just fast forwarding to the full body chris right to touching the entire body from head to toe for fifteen twenty thirty minutes. And that’s going to spread pleasure and awareness and circulation and nerve ending awakening across the body rather than just focusing on the hot spots that we tend to that we tend to focus on when we’re when we’re excited right or like this person has really made their partner’s pleasure of focus. But i also know from my own experience that when you when when i focus so heavily on say for instance your pleasure that it puts pressure on you so for me. It’s focusing in on. Also like i know. I want to please you but i also think that when i have that in the in as a focal point but also focus on my own that you seem to react to my pleasure which just kinda heightens both of our pleasure in the whole process. Yeah it’s it’s a dynamic that This isn’t for this person. But i know that we’ve gotten into where i think that your pleasure becomes contingent upon mine. I don’t know if you ever feel that way. Definitely i would definitely agree with that. Feels when i see it happening. It’s off putting for me. Because i’m like. Oh you’re not really enjoying it. You’re just seeing what you can do to me. And i know that’s not a fair kind of full evaluation of the situation. But that’s kind of how i’m thinking in the moment so when i see you waiting to make sure i respond in a certain way yes it puts pressure on me and secondly it also it puts me out of the moment detracts from the from the. Because i’m mike. You’re not doing what feels good for you. You’re doing what you think you should do. Or you’re doing what you think. And i’m not saying listen. I don’t want to take away from the fact that of course we get pleasure from creating pleasure for others cultivating pleasure for others but yeah when it gets to that point it has the opposite of effect. What it’s like. I’m like you want me to you. Want me to experience pleasure. I’m like you want me to experience shirt. But now i’m not experiencing pleasure so it’s like a loop this and that’s what i’m saying i feel like yes. You do want her to or your partner to have this great. Oh yeah you’re working towards that but if you also are enjoying the moment perhaps they’ll respond positively and it will take them to where you want them to go with you just focusing in on it the whole time well and that sort of the purpose of these different cress activities. It’s to make sure that both partners can lean into being both giver and taker because being a being a giver. I think is easier for a lot of us. Taking pleasure can be really really hard for me. It’s letting go of control being like receiving pleasure. Is i mean. I’m not in control. Because i don’t know where you’re going to touch your what you’re gonna do and i i mean for me that would be challenged trust issue concerned as to what you’re going to do next but yeah i think brennan’s right. It’s great that you’re focusing on her pleasure. And i think there are lots of different ways you can do that and it sounds like you’re already on on the right track so thank you so much. Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing all right next question. My wife and i have been married for fourteen years and now we have problems in our romantic relationship. A friend of mine suggests that we go into the lifestyle. My wife is a little bit hesitant based on your experience and people around you. What should we do. I think when you say the lifestyle you’re probably talking about swinging and no i don’t think swinging is a panacea nor is it. You know something. That’s going to fix challenges within a relationship. I think it’s probably going to heighten or exacerbate for good or for bad. Whatever you’re already experiencing. So i just don’t think that relationship arrangement whether it’s monogamy or ethical non monogamy or specific type of ethical non monogamy like swinging determines the quality of a relationship. I think it’s kind of just one factor so unless your problems are all rooted in not wanting to be monogamous. I don’t think which they usually are. Not it’s usually about communication. It’s usually about emotional connection literacy intimacy all of those things. I don’t think swinging is going to be a solution.
00:20:03 – 00:25:01
So i think that And i’ve talked about this many many times. So police go back and listen to the previous podcast on ethical. Noggin swinging please. But certainly i know tons of couples who are super super happy who are swingers tons of couples who are super super happy who are monogamous tons of couples who are super super happy who are ethically not monogamous and. I don’t think that it is the relationship outcome that determines the quality of the relationship agreed agreed next question. My wife and i have been married for thirty five years. We still have sex weekly. But it’s rather routine and they’ll my wife always orgasms and says how much she loves it. I need a bit more spice decades ago. We enjoyed a variety. Sorry we enjoyed more variety and had oral sex and even tied each other up occasionally and sometimes watch porn. I was in heaven but my wife has become even more conservative. Porn is unethical. Oral sex isn’t natural etc. She’s not totally conservative. Though and a couple of years ago went to a clothing optional beach and loved it but only when we were on our own she got shy when others joined us. In contrast i loved being with other bear folk to seek sexual solace. I’ve kept a sex life of my own by watching going on by watching porn. Doing tantric exercises listening to your podcasts. And the big one writing erotica. In fact i now right for one of the top erotic websites and have had thirty stories and items published with our grownup children leaving home. I’m trying to do everything to reignite our old sex life but a. I’m finding it hard and be. Should i tell her about my writing. I’d so very much appreciate any advice. Hey thank you for sharing this. Thank you so much and for folks who are listening. If you wanna send your feedback on any of these questions please do. I think the hive mind is probably definitely richer and more learned than mine all by myself. So i think it’s great that you’ve had your own sex life separate from your partner with contra with porn with writing erotica. It sounds like you have a really good foundation. Because you’ve already done some of these things the fact that there’s been a shift in perspective on her part from porn being acceptable or even exciting to being unethical and similarly As it pertains to oral sex. I think it’s worth having a conversation about why that shift has occurred and trying to understand like what makes porn unethical because a lot of porn probably is unethical and then other point is ethical. Like what’s also just say that hollywood movies are also unethical in the way that they treat many of their low paid staff as well so it’s not knows porn. That’s unethical. But if she can talk about what makes porn unethical. Maybe you can look for sources of porn that. Meet your standards of ethics so for example. I have a previous episode on ethical porn with jet-setting jasmine who is both a performer and producer and owns one of the production companies. And she talks about how in her porn they chat with the talent they chat with the performer is to find. Like what are you into what would feel good. What are you in the mood for today. What are your boundaries. And not only that like what would really turn you on. What make what would make the scene really hot for you. Which of course underscores consents to to be at the center of everything. So i think if you can have a deeper conversation about that You might be able to better understand where she’s coming from and may be fine some sort of middle ground similarly around oral sex about it not being natural like where does that come from. Where to those messages. Come from Are those the messages that you want to carry into this next part of your life or those messages you passed on to your kids. You said you’ve grown up children so that’s the first part and then about your writing. I mean i can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t tell her a really hope you can. I really hope that there’s a way that you can let her know that this is something that you like like even if you’re not ready right away to tell her that you’ve had thirty stories published but just talk about the fact that this is something that excites you. This is something you’ve been exploring. I wonder if there are any stories that you’ve written or even just snippets of a story that return her on. I was thinking like almost reading a story. Engaging their response rightly just an anonymous story that you found obviously erotic and then seeing how they respond to that to gauge. You know a little bit. How how how do you think they’d feel. Yeah i love that so i. I can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t. But i really hope you get to cause congratulations. That’s a huge accomplishment. First of all to get published is not easy and it sounds like an incredible outlet. And like you said your your kids are moving out so you you’ve got to kind of reignite what you’ve got between the two of you because the focus is going to be mostly on the relationship of course i’m sure other people in your lives but yeah just i’m excited for you. Wish you all the best group. Okay last question for today first of all. Thank you for all you do your podcasts. A huge source of comfort inspiration. And i’m excited every friday to listen. Gosh i’m all right folks. It is weird. I’m sure i’ve said this before like it’s so weird to be talking and knowing that people are listening but i never really. It’s the same thing. Like i’m on tv and i never really think about that. There’s people at home sitting watching like when you really think about.
00:25:01 – 00:26:56
It makes you super self conscious. I’m like well. I don’t know enough. I don’t know what to no. So i mean it’s really nice when i get these messages and even the ones that are constructively critical like i know that not everybody likes everything and i have trouble because i want everybody to like everything maybe we’ll just leave on that note as a reminder to think about you know whether there’s something you want to change in terms of the balance in your relationships whether it’s friendships or partner so thank you for writing in with your questions. I hope we did. did them. Justice folks if you have additional insights on any of these questions definitely write to us and we can share them on the podcast. If you’re like. Hey you guys miss the super important point on the question related to the writing of erotica. Go ahead and send it. And we’ll try do our best to shared. Of course. we do have a button on the website that allows you to record voice notes that nobody likes to use would love to get your voice notes as well and and show them on the podcast. So thanks for chatting with me babe. Thank you thank you for the questions. I thought they were great. Also get perspective into different people’s relationships. Everybody is curious about yeah and their experiences. So thank you for sharing folks as always a reminder. Tse dot ca. You can save twenty five percent on any other sexual wellness items with code. Dr jess twenty-five this is a really really good deal because of the types of products. They’re all included. I should mention that the tight tra is also included in there and the tetra is a device that is that helps you to work on incontinence. Bladder control lubrication sexual function. And it’s an at home device using technology that usually was used in doctor’s offices radio frequency technology so do check that out as well. It’s all at tse dot ca slash intimately. You are a wherever you’re at folks have great one. We’ll be back next. Friday and every friday with a brand new episode. You’re listening to the sex with dr jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.