July 15, 2021
Sexual Communication Tips: Erection Loss, Libido Issues, & Pressure
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Jess & Brandon answer listener questions related to erection loss, anxiety, libido, social norms and how to start difficult conversations.
This episode is brought to you by Lovehoney. They’re having a summer sale and you can save a little extra with code DRJESS10!
Here is a sampling of the questions we address:
#1. My partner is able to get and retain a really bangin’ erection and can reliably orgasm during any type of penile stimulation (hand jobs, oral, even just putting lube on my body and rubbing himself back and forth on me), but he quickly and consistently loses his erection during penetration. The only time he is able to maintain an erection during PIV sex is in roleplay situations where I’m pretending to be someone other than myself.
Logically I know this issue isn’t caused by anything I’m doing or not doing. We also have an amazing relationship and a strong emotional connection. But as this continues to happen it’s starting to erode my self esteem–a nagging voice tells me that he’s bored of having sex with me and doesn’t want to make the effort unless I jump through hoops to make it extra exciting for him. I’m wondering what exactly is really going on here, how I can bring this up to him without making him feel like there’s something wrong with him, (I don’t want to make the problem worse by adding extra anxiety to him), and what we can do to help him maintain his erection during PIV sex.
#2. Hi Dr.Jess, I’ve been listening to your podcast for a couple months now and I have a question dating focused: do you think leagues are a thing? Like when someone says “they’re out of their league” or “dating or marrying up” or “you’re a 5 and they’re a 10”. Although sometimes this refers to socioeconomic divides in terms of education, income rather than just physical attractiveness alone. But I wanted to know your thoughts on how you think these divides can be overcome as I hear this enough or have seen it sometimes get in the way of my friends’ relationship.
#3. Firstly thank you for all you do. Your podcast is a huge source of comfort, inspiration and knowledge for me and I am excited every Friday to listen!
I’m 27, my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been together for 7 months. He recently told me that he fantasizes about being dominated. Other than the occasional light choke or spank, I have not taken on that role before. I tend to prefer to be dominated, too, so while I’m happy to try it out, I am unsure how to begin and how to feel confident doing so.
Separately, we are working on our communication in sex but I still struggle with initiating sex and talking about it for fear of rejection or being humiliated. I’ve been feeling like I want sex more than him but, because I don’t know how to start it, I end up waiting for him to be in the mood. I end up feeling unattractive, like I’m unable to seduce my boyfriend. Even though logically I know that he sometimes might just be tired or not in the mood, and that’s OK. Last week, after months of my internal agonizing, he brought up the subject and asked how I would describe my libido. He told me his was “changeable” and that sometimes he can tell I’m trying to make it happen but he just doesn’t feel like it. He suggested I try telling him that I want him and that can sometimes get him in the mood, too. I now feel pressure to assert myself in a way I feel uncomfortable doing. I feel very vulnerable stating that I want sex, especially since I know that if he wanted it he would have initiated it already!
I told him once that I felt the patriarchy made me less sexually assertive, because woman are taught to be passive, and he told me to stop blaming my problems on external factors. Any advice on both of these topics would be VERY much appreciated!
#4. My wife and I been married for 14 years and now we have a problems in our romantic relationship, a friend of mine suggested that we go into the lifestyle, my wife is little hesitant. Based on your experience and people aground you what should we do ?
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Sexual Communication Tips: Erection Loss, Libido Issues, & Pressure
00:00:05 – 00:05:00
You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with dr. Just podcast i’m your co host brandon. Wear here with my always lovely. Other half dr jess. Hey how’s it going. i’m good. i’m good. We’re going to be answering some questions today. I’m always nervous to answer people’s questions. Because i just don’t have all the answers i mean i think if you’re looking for a panacea i don’t know where you go for that. Actually please let me know. Yeah another’s i only have. Some perspective can pull from data. I have maybe some insights. Because i’ve heard a lot of stories but it’s i don’t know it feels like a lot of pressure to answer people’s questions especially when they’re like should i do this. Should i do that. And ultimately i don’t have the answer but we’re gonna hopefully shed some light and share our own perspectives on a number of topics. I think you’re wonderful. I’ve i take so much of our conversations. There’s so much that i learned but at the same time you talk about. Not knowing where to go. I immediately think about all these podcasts. All these experts that you’ve had all provide great insight into different it’s of relationships or sex or issues that need to be tackled so maybe the the answer is to go back until listen to them all. Yeah shameless plug. I appreciate that. No absolutely and i mean we’re also learning. I mean i was thinking about it. You know being a so called expert and let’s be honest you know. My doctoral studies focused on something very very specific to do with classroom education and teacher training so most so-called experts we have a specific expertise in the most myopic of topics. Right like we studied one yaoqi. We stood a whole bunch of things in school but we only dive dived dove. We only dove really deeply into this one little area. And even when i think back to when i did my research shows over ten years ago and so the literature review was even before that that research. That data is even old. Today’s so yeah. I always get a little intimidated answering people’s questions. Because i want to help. Obviously i really want to help. But also i don’t know how much help can be You know i’ll. I’ll say this folks are always writing in with their perspectives. And that i really appreciate so. We did a couple of episodes on threesomes earlier this month. And i received a lot of emails a lot of instagram messages. About threesomes kind of ranging from insights. Which i shared on last week’s podcast two questions and one one question. I get a lot of is kind of some permutation of can you find me. A third for our threesome. Ma’am there was coming. Ma’am i don’t know why ma’am i wanna threesome. I want a third. I want a third as though i’ve got a roster or rolodex because it’s like ninety ninety two of unicorns just dying to go hang out with random couple so i’ll say that that i can’t be with. I can’t help you find a third but we did have a sponsor who can help you with that. We were working with field. Which is a dating app for couples and singles. Where you can find. Not just threesomes. But threesomes are one thing. That are one. Arrangement that are facilitated there so i definitely do recommend them and again if folks didn’t hear the previous podcast it’s f. e. l. d. So field is the app and it just gives you an opportunity to explore human desire right in all of its forms but to go back to what i was originally saying. I was thinking about this notion of expert. And i was thinking okay so in this relationship like g. You expect me to have answers. Oh one hundred percent yeah. I’m i’m always coming to you for answers. Actually use you as a soundboard and for ideas when it comes to my business. I definitely take a lot of course in my business. You you’ve got the answers but when it comes to this relationship. I really do take a lot of all the conversations that we’ve had every time even when i think i know something i’m i feel like i wanna be receptive and open to what the other person has to say. Because i feel like. I can learn something new in the experts. We actually have both. How many times have i heard you give certain speeches or presentations. And every time. I’m thinking about what do i do. What do i not do. I mean. I don’t sometimes i take more out of this conversation than others but generally speaking go in with an open mind. Go in with the idea that maybe you don’t have all the answers you know and i don’t want to gush about you too much but that’s like one of the things i love about. You is that you’re always taking information in and thinking about how you can use it like. There’s no part of you that thinks you know it all. You’re one of those people that goes into a presentation and even if it sucks. Yeah i got something out of it and i have to learn to be more like you. ’cause i struggle to even sit through a presentation but you said that the other day that you heard luna and i talking about getting into the moment Right so lunar tatas. Who is amazing was on my show on city. Tv via tse have to think about the sponsors there. called intimately. You would dr jess. And she was talking about how to be in the moment and she was saying that.
00:05:00 – 00:10:02
Sometimes you just have to focus on something. Physical like grab hold of the covers or tune into the feeling of your partners breath on their body or if you need to slow down count ten kisses as you work your way down their bodies. You don’t just like dive right into their crotch and you said that you were like i don’t know if you mind me sharing why not sure everything here known. Replay i actually. Don’t i think i know where you’re going with the story but go ahead. I was lying about the other night and unable to sleep. My mind was spinning. So i started thinking about that discussion. That i overheard between you and luna and i went to you just starting to touch my legs and my abdomen in my arms and places that aren’t i don’t associate with being erogenous roger this zone but just to kind of tune in and to try and i try to use it to relax but i ended up getting aroused and waking up. I was asleep her lou with with a little. Poke poke great great video poker. I had not slept the night before. Because the waiter had given me a caffeinated espressos. So i was so tired that next night. Your exact words. What that when. I when i approach. Oh no you had been asleep in your defense for probably an hour and a half point was that you told me you’re like oh you know i was feeling stressed the other eight and blah blah blah and i thought of your conversation with luna and i kind of use that advice and my point is that you’re always just taking stuff in even though you you’ve actually heard these things probably a hundred times because you’re kind of engrossed in this field even though you don’t work in it fulltime you could probably do my job and i think i can do josh. Do couch goes there. Isn’t that what you do. Just opened a door open door. I mean i’ve heard you goes over a thousand offers just like you know on the phone anyhow. I was trying to get to this idea that in this relationship. I don’t wanna feel like an expert. Like i don’t wanna feel like you trust my opinion more than yours or that you defer to me. Because i don’t know. I’ve studied it because no matter how much i’ve studied it honestly in the heat of the moment. I’m just a regular human being who gets flooded. I’m just a regular human being who freaks out. I’m am a regular person who feels like scared and vulnerable and nervous. And i don’t know like do you feel like you have to defer to me. Do you feel like this is a bit of vulnerable share. Like do i say something where i’m like. No it’s like this. And then i shut you down sometimes or do you feel shut down. Even if i don’t mean to know. I don’t feel shut down. I think i reflect on my own about the things that i’ve heard you say and i also think of all the people that we’ve that i’ve had the benefit of listening to and learning from there are. Let’s call it a handful of people that i might go to more frequently to read up on their information and to dial in. I think it’s it’s important for me. It’s important to understand okay. who do i gravitate towards. What kind of information. And what can i take out of it. Because if i rely solely on you for all the answers or solely on one therapist or one expert whatever i think i just think i if you have a handful of people that you can pull from and you can constantly be changing those handful of people that you could be drawing information from right like i might have five today and then i swapped one or two of those over the next few months and pull up a few others but yeah there definitely are some people that we’ve chatted with that i go to okay so it’s not me. I don’t know that. I would sometimes just when i received these questions and people sometimes write them like. Oh tell me what to do. Like i have an answer and i’m not. I wanna be clear. I’m not Disparaging the questions. I receive actually really appreciate them. I just don’t always feel like. I have all the answers and so i was thinking about just even within the context at the relationship and i’m sure at times i’ve said things where it’s like. We’ll know it’s like this and then maybe you feel trumped because you might feel like i have some expertise like i think about okay. So you’re in real estate. So if i say oh. The market’s going this way and you’re like oh actually the stats say. It’s going this way. Obviously i’m going to say oh. Okay well i would think brandon would know ’cause it’s his job but then your work is also less nuanced than relationships. You would think so but people in my industry don’t rely on statistics. They rely on their stomach tells them or something like that. So it’s very different also fair not to get off topic but You know a home is an emotional investment. It’s not just something that you’re intending to make money off of. You’re gonna live in it. I mean the difference is is. I’m always looking at the underlying factors and elements and economic variables that are driving the market in one direction. Or another and then applying those layers onto the specific home for building or land or whatever. It is that we’re buying right so we’re getting off you know i’m saying that like buyers if they wanna over let’s just say pay over current market value. It might be worth it for them. Because that’s where they want to spend the rest of their lives or it might be worth it with for them because that particular home accommodates their child’s need or something like that under certain specific circumstances. But even in my own with my own business. Outside of this. I rely i pull information from a handful of other realtors and analysts to formulate my own opinions.
00:10:02 – 00:15:01
So you’re saying that sort of what you do in our relationship it is but just so that you know. There is a lot that i pull specifically from. You don’t like that okay. Well we should speaking of questions. I don’t have. The complete answer has to because we went a little off topic. Let’s get to some of these questions. Because they are piling up. And i am having trouble keeping up with what’s coming in so some of them are a little bit longer and i want to begin with one. That’s about erections man. This person has written in to say my partner is able to get and retain a really banging erection and can reliably orgasm during any type of penile stimulation hand jobs or even just putting luma my body and rubbing himself back and forth on me but he quickly inconsistently loses his erection during penetration the only time he is able to maintain an erection during p. Iv so penis in vagina. Sex is in rural places. Where i’m pretending to be someone other than myself logically. I know this is. The issue isn’t caused by anything. I’m doing or not doing. We also have an amazing relationship and a strong emotional connection but as this continues to happen. It’s starting to erode my self esteem. a nagging voice tells me that he’s bored of having sex with me and doesn’t wanna make the effort. Unless i jump through hoops to make extra exciting for him. I’m wondering what exactly is really going on here. How can i bring this up with him without making him feel like. There’s something wrong with him. I don’t wanna make the problem worse by adding extra anxiety to him and what we can do to help maintain his during p. v. Sex all right we’ve been talking about erections we have. That’s all you’re gonna say. No i. I have a lot that i could say about this. I just don’t know which direction you want me to to start. What’s your first reaction as just a regular person regular person. I think that this individual who has sent in the question has really done a lot of thinking and analyzing seems very sensitive to their partners needs. And i think immediately i always think about our situation if you were to come to me. Approach it in the exact same words that more or less. This person just said i would see the vulnerability. I would see that you’ve given so much thought to this. And i think i would immediately really reflect on the situation and it would it would initiate a dialogue like it would start a conversation and that conversation would probably lead me down a road to number one one one one to explain how i’m feeling why i’m feeling it. Maybe my concerns. Why you know. I might be losing direction in this case and then again just. Where does the conversation go from there because maybe other solutions pop up no pun intended. Yeah so yeah. there’s a lot here. So thank you for sending the sin. I think we’re i’d like to begin with where i’d like to begin to ask you. What excites you. So what so we. We now understand. What excites him right. But what fantasy can you play with that. Your own. And i’m wondering if that’s the way you could potentially bring this up to him so you might say something like you know. It can be really hot when we role play in this way. And i play another character and i also really like to try. Abcd like here’s some of the things that are on my mind because it sounds like first of all it sounds like you have a great relationship and i’m happy to hear that and it sounds like you’re quite focused on his needs and sway or patting his anxiety and attending to him. And so i just wonder if you can tune into yours just a little bit as you approach that conversation you had said that you’re you know you talked about the things you’re worried about. So you said a nagging voice tells you that he’s bored and doesn’t wanna make the effort unless you jump through hoops to make an extra exciting. And so i guess i would challenge you to think about well. What does that mean if he’s bored right like. Is it such a big deal if he’s a little bit bored and also is that your responsibility like it’s not you that’s boring. It’s perhaps certain types of sex that you’ve created together that maybe aren’t as exciting and that’s okay you know. He’s fifty percent responsible for making things exciting and it sounds like he’s in some way done his job in that. He’s you boat on your jobs that he’s told you what turns him on your obliging that fantasy. I think it’s really good that you’re being mindful of his anxiety but also it’s not your job to manage it so if you do something that you know provokes a bit of nerves anxiety or reaction in him. That’s also okay right. That will happen in relationships so it and then if we go back to the issue at hand if we consider it an issue and presuming it’s issue because you wrote in but it doesn’t have to be an issue. I’m wondering if just from a erection perspective maybe the physical sensation of hand or mouth or friction of rubbing against your body is what keeps them hard and maybe like whatever it feels like within a vagina. Maybe it’s like the warmth or the comfort or the predictability so whether it’s physical or psychological just doesn’t lead to an erection and that doesn’t mean that it’s worse or better it just doesn’t happen to help maintain direction so if you want to maintain an erection during pd sacks it might be that you reach down in use your hand on the lower part of the penis or he reaches down and uses his hand. You might also wear a toy right so like you could use a penis ring.
00:15:01 – 00:20:02
I know we like we’ve i- pivot for big firm. Which by the way. I should mention because i was working with love. Honey dot ca and love honey dot com. They’re having a big sale right now and you can save a little bit more money with my doctor just ten but anyhow that aside A toy might help. You might just be something. as simple. As the physical sensation of china doesn’t lead to maintain erection. And that doesn’t necessarily have to be a good bad thing. It might be just neutral. It might just be fat. If on the other hand it’s more of a psychological thriller so perhaps your partners really turned on by a specific experience of like risk or the forbidden so maybe oral and manual and rubbing on your body feels like naughty or dangerous in some way whereas intercourse perhaps feels really safe right. So maybe it’s that psychological piece that you can explore on the conversation like and then that kind of maybe ties into the role. Play where you’re playing somebody else. So it’s like the excitement of the forbidden. The excitement of novelty the excitement of the unknown. There are probably other ways that you can tie in that risk right as opposed to maybe an so i keep of talking about erections and being turned on and those two things don’t always go hand in hand so i even need to be really careful with that with the way i frame that because again at a loss of erection isn’t a sign that there’s a loss of arousal it just means that the blood flow isn’t being held in the peanuts in that moment it doesn’t mean that he’s not turned on it doesn’t mean he can’t have an orgasm right. You can have an orgasm even without direction. So it could be physical. It could be psychological. It could be a combination of both. I do think it’s worth talking about both about what you want to go back to like. What’s your fantasy rights. You can explore other fantasies and other role plays but also how. You’re feeling right that piece around feeling like you have to jump through hoops because that that sounds like pressure to me maybe it feels a bit one sided to you. I’m not entirely sure. But i do hope that you have this conversation. Another approach is to tune into like mindful sex so if that loss of erection is for example related to nerves around intercourse like a negative feedback loop that has been created where he lost his erection once or twice a few times and then he keeps thinking. It’s going to happen then. Some mindful sex practices can help but there are many many reasons why he may not have an erection during intercourse. And i really wanna drive that home that it could be a physical sensation. It could be a psychological thing. It could be a mindfulness thing. It could be an anxiety thing. It could just be that. That’s not what he’s into and that’s awesome. Okay see what i’m saying. My answer is have a conversation and for the last five minutes. I’ve sat here and listen to all the other possible solutions and things and that’s why it takes so much more out of what it is in this realm you have to say i’m gonna give a shameless plug right now. Because some of these mindful nece techniques. You’re talking about you have a mindful sex course as well that really does allow people to focus in on that if t where people can find it Sex doctor just dot com getting happier couples. Got it no. I’m just couples dot com justice. Mindful sex class. Thanks for that plug all right. So thank you for that question. I hope that this exploration helps you to just start a new conversation because it sounds like you already have the foundation to work this out and you seem very kind of introspective reflective. Even just from the way you the way. You framed your your questions. So thanks for writing in okay. Got some other questions here. Where shall we go this one to me. I don’t wanna say it’s simple but it might be a shorter answer. So this person says i have a question that is focused on dating. Do you think leagues are thing. Like when someone says they’re out of their league or dating or marrying up your five and there are ten although sometimes this refers to socio economic divides in terms of education income rather than just physical attractiveness alone. But i wanted to know your thoughts on how you think. These divides can be overcome As i hear this enough. And i’ve seen it sometimes get in the way of my friends relationships again. I i have to laugh that you throw to me. I i think leagues exist. I don’t want them to exist. I think economic social physical leagues that. I think we’ve been told exist. I’ve had people say that to me. Like she’s out of your league or they are you know what i mean. They’re out of your league. And what does that mean. It focuses on one or two things usually looks when somebody so and that whole idea of treating up man such a. I don’t know that just sounds so. I’ve heard it so many times. It feels so sad to me. Like just the world operating in this way. And i’m not pretending that it doesn’t exist and i’m not pretending that i’m like immune to it either so i guess the question is how can we overcome them and i wonder if it has to do with really knowing our values like you know when you read those reflections from old people dying people and they tell you what they wish they had done right told people how they feel connected with people in their lives spent more time loving and i wonder if we go to our values and i always go to my ninety nine rule like what will i care about.
00:20:02 – 00:25:21
When i’m ninety nine. I think about you know. Will you care that somebody looked a specific way or will you care even about money like things that we spend a lot of time working for Right whether it’s for security but also for excitement for all the things you can do for status. sorry. I’m feeling like a little choked up thinking about this message to when we first got together and i would be lying if i said i wasn’t physically attracted to you. But there’s your physical appearance now. Pales in comparison. You are beautiful. I’m not trying to discount that but it pales in comparison to who you are as a person there’s again i know we’re going to gush here and do things like that but i’m like who you are is more important to me than how you look. Okay that’s just one that’s just one l. And i really know that with you. Like i’ve i’ve said that before. Like even in my own therapy sessions with my own personal therapist said like i just don’t think you really care like i know that you would love me no matter what. But here’s the thing. Would you have gotten to know me agreed. I know you’re going sorry. I cut you off. Go ahead would. I’ve gotten to know you if you physically look to different way. We first got together. You know again being honest. I don’t think i would have. I don’t think that the connection would have been there initially. Because i had been taught and i’m still taught to look at one particular or you know to look at one thing over the last couple of decades. I have discovered that. I find different things very attractive. And i think it’s about allowing yourself to think outside of the box as a as a heterosexual white man. I’m taught this is what you should look for in a partner. And i definitely feel different now for sure. Yeah going back to that. I mean i was only attracted to you for the way you looked really we hookup for where it was going to go. Your personality was kind of Not so great. You no i did. I’d like to your personality. But that’s not why. I wanted to hang out with you that night in the backseat of your mom’s purple escorts. So i think we you know also we were kids and it really was for the sex that night and then we happened to hang out and i was like. Oh he’s so funny and he’s so nice and he is so nice to me and all of these other things. Okay so i. I don’t know that we’re really answering. How do we overcome these divides. I think it’s about knowing your values right and not lying to yourself about them and then actually having to really work if we think about it from mrs stomach perspective work to overcome oppressive values. That really are around. Capitalism and the patriarchy and white supremacy all of these things to know lucky. So what really matters to me. I’m not just throwing those words out there. But we’ve been told that status matters like i. I mean i have to admit it feels good to be recognized as successful in business. That’s the truth for me. I think especially as a woman especially as a woman who tends to be underestimated in terms of cognitive capacity. My business capacity machine. You throw a football to act throw football. Of course i’m under Always always interesting in like a forty yard tight spiral. We’re exaggerating forty forty two. Maybe fourteen yards. I don’t think i could but yeah there’s this thing where we want to be seen as like talented even right like i’m bragging about a football. We want to be seen as beautiful. I have to admit and this comes down to. What’s the first thing people say to you when you walk into a room and it was reading you know that we should learn to give compliments and that are not physically related. Like that aren’t about the way you look. And i was reading something else suggesting that we should stop giving looks base compliments. Which is for me at least. It’s a hard thing. ’cause i see you in like i like your shirt or i like your eye shadow or you look beautiful and i mean. I’m very careful with those tapes of compliments because i get the not. Everybody wants to hear that or wants to hear that from me but we’re getting a little bit away from this year. I’m sorry. But i think that when we really think about what we value. We have to do. A lot of undoing. A lot of unpacking and getting rid of these ideas that we’ve been told around whether this person writes about socioeconomic success or physical appearance. I mean especially when it comes to pleasure and you’ve said this so many times when it comes to sex and pleasure the way somebody looks is for many of us not for everybody. It’s just such a small part of the equation and then i have to also acknowledged that. Like i’m i’m magazine pretty like i get that i’m light skinned skinny all of these things that were told were supposed to be. You’re obviously a like. We would use the word classically handsome but that’s also very eurocentric but you could be on a magazine and so then for us be saying this like we need to get over beauty standards might. I don’t know. Do we have any right to even say it or think about your core values suggestion. If i were to write those. Excuse me if i had to. If i had to date right now i think it’s a great exercise to think about what’s important to me and then if you’re online dating do you look for some of those key words in somebody’s description as opposed to just focusing in on the photo right like it might be a very interesting exercise to block the screen into only look for those words that pop up because maybe maybe it opens you up to meeting some people that you otherwise wouldn’t have considered i.
00:25:21 – 00:30:01
It’s just an idea. I have no no that i mean i. I don’t have the answers for something like this. But i think we need to stop and ask ourselves to why we say where attracted to some people versus others. Actually somebody brought something up from a show love island which. I’m sorry i haven’t watched but my my neighbor asked me. There’s some sort of a scenario there where they’re saying. Well i’m just not physically attracted and the question is can cultivate physical attraction. And i really believe you can like one thing that’s really changed for me. Is changing my feet on instagram. And all the places. I consume images to see all sorts of bodies. It’s really fascinating. The way the brain becomes reprogrammed to see so many different types of bodies as beautiful and to see different ages. Different shapes all of these things as a sexual when they want to be right. I’m not sexualizing them. But like some different people on my feet. And i’m like wow. I never saw these images for thirty years of my life because you only saw one specific body being allowed to be sexual to derive pleasure once you start seeing at and. I think that’s was your experience desire as well desires. We’ve talked about it before seeing real live people of different ages of different sizes of shapes enjoying pleasure. Makes you realize that all your attraction is way beyond what you see in the magazines like the magazines. You know is beautiful. Because you’ve been told it’s beautiful it’s not. I was talking about like animal attraction. Which is what’s natural to us versus socio cultural attraction and so i get that one way or you know limited ways. You’re supposed to look socio culturally but there’s something different so i do hope that maybe changing our feed really thinking about what matters and knowing our values looking beyond the photos and having these conversations rarely be honest with yourself. Because let’s be honest tons of the people. I work with only wanna be with someone who has a specific educational background or a specific financial situation. And the thing about money and looks at that they can always go away and we see it all the time but core values don’t necessarily go away in most cases a lot of people are growing so i think i don’t know man. I hope the world gets better and leagues are eliminated because it’s a lot of bs. Right grew okay. Let’s thank you for writing that in. I hope short answer. I’m sorry now let’s talk about a couple more of these so have a short one here. My wife and i have been married for fourteen years and now we have problems in romantic relationship. A friend of mine suggested that we go into the swing lifestyle. My wife is a little hesitant based on your experience and people around you what should we do. I would say that. Moving into any sort of ethically. Non monogamous relationship as a solution to problems in a relationship is probably not going to work. So it’s not a prescription to fix things. It’s likely that it could potentially exacerbate all that’s in your relationship for the better for the worse i don’t see people say oh. We struggle with communication. So let’s go into the lifestyle and it works out or we struggle with You know infidelity so we go into the lifestyle and it works out now if you specifically have a great relationship and you are struggling with monogamy then maybe this is something to explore from seeing the from the very short question says you have Problems in your romantic relationship. I would say work on the issues. I then you can consider the buffet in front of you. I’m not saying that you have to like wait until all of your issues are resolved. But i would say that opening up is not universal solution just like monogamy is not a universal solution. So if you’ve got issues they will be there. Whether you’re a monogamous or consensually monogamous. In in some way. I’m just laughing thinking about how so this is a. I’m sorry i forget the question. Is it a husband who suggests that his partner just says okay so his wife or their wife. I’m just laughing because i agree with you. It’s like we’re having problems with the distribution of chores in a relationship and didn’t into an open relationship would solve that. I mean maybe but it just seems i agree with you. Sort of like people say like. Oh you know. We’re fighting but if once the wedding comes will be fine or we’re really struggling with this but once the kid comes. I can’t tell you how many people have said you know. I think i’ll feel more connected to my partner. Once we have a kid and of course kids don’t make things easier. Sure they add love and meaning and connection in some ways but also add stress and financial burden. And take away from your time to potentially take away from your time together so no i would say that Work on the relationship regardless of whether or not you decide to open up explore the lifestyle. If that’s something you’re both into but don’t use it as a solution and think that it’s going to fix things or he. Let’s do one more. I got a nice note from this person about liking the podcast and they say i’m twenty seven. My boyfriend is twenty six. We’ve been together for seven months. He recently told me that he fantasized about being dominated other than the occasional. Spank or even like choke.
00:30:01 – 00:35:00
I haven’t taken on that role before. I tend to prefer to be dominated too so while i’m happy to try it out. I’m unsure how to begin an how to feel confident doing so separately. We are working on communication sex. But i still struggle with initiating sex and talking about it for fear of rejection or being humiliated. I’ve been feeling like. I want sex more than him but because i don’t start it. I ended up waiting for him to be in the mood. I end up feeling unattractive able to seduce my boyfriend even though logically. I know that he sometimes might just be tired or not in the mood. And that’s okay last week. After months of my internal agonizing he brought up the subject and asked how i would describe my libido. He told me that his is changeable. and that sometimes he can tell. I’m trying to make it happen but he just doesn’t feel like it. He suggested i try telling him that. I want him and that can sometimes get him in the mood to i. Now feel pressured with cert- myself. In a way i feel uncomfortable. Doing i feel very vulnerable stating that. I want sex. Especially since i know that if he wanted it he would have initiated already. I told him once that i felt. The patriarchy made me less sexually assertive because women are taught to be passive and he told me to stop blaming my problems on external factors. Any advice on both. These topics would be very much appreciated. Okay so two quite separate questions so thank you for writing the senate. I’m glad to hear that you are communicating about how you feel. I think it’s really great that you’re able to talk about you. Know your fear of rejection. Fear of being humiliated feeling unattractive. And i think those are some areas to perhaps tune into into. Ask yourself a little bit about rejection. Like what what would happen if you were rejected right in the grand scheme of things. What would be the outcome right. How would you feel in your body. How’d you feel in your head. How would you feel in the relationship. How can you self soothe. If you feel rejected. How can you ask for support and love and care if you feel rejected. Because i think that being rejected learning to manage rejection is an essential life skill. It’s a really important piece and i do. You know around gender roles we can often struggle with. Who does the initiating. But there’s nothing that says that the genitals between your leg or the gender assigned at birth or your gender identity determines whether or not you’re the one who initiates so there’s a lot here and so i hope you kind of keep exploring that fear of rejection and maybe leaning into rejection a little bit more to know that you know if you get rejected. It’s okay right. You’re still the same person you’re still loved in the same way and maybe look at other of your life where you manage rejection more effectively because sometimes sex can feel like the end all be all like if my partner says no to me. What does that mean. Does it mean that i’m not attractive. Doesn’t mean that they’re never gonna say yes again doesn’t mean that i’m gonna be too afraid to ever try it again but if you go to other areas of our lives like for example like applying for a job or trying to get a contract or trying out for a team or you know applying to a program or school or anything like you probably haven’t got a yes from every single application or effort and you’ve moved through right. Despite one rejection there are going to be other invites or acceptances. And so. I think that that’s just an area worth exploring. You also use the word humiliated. And i think that’s. I’m glad you shared that because that’s tough feeling to deal with I know there are people out there. Thinking while humiliation can actually be erotic. But i don’t think we’re there yet but i do think about you know why. Would it be humiliating. If your partner said no rightly could you. Just stop and say oh. This feels really bad in my body. Here’s what i’m feeling my buddies clenching. My job is kind of tensing. my heart is racing. Feel sweaty feel frustrated. Because i had that tangle between my legs and now i’m not getting what i need maybe i can go masturbate to kind of get rid of that feeling but also what can i do like. Should i just take a couple of depress. should i do something else. Should we look for other ways to connect. I think it’s important that he saying that. His libido is changeable what that sounds like to me is that he isn’t spontaneously in the mood. His sexual desire is more responsive. meaning if he’s not in the mood. There are things that he can do or things that you can help with to get him in the mood. And that’s part of being in a long term relationship because in long-term relationship sexual desire doesn’t tend to occur spontaneously. Would you say you’re the same like you’re not saying you’re never spontaneously in the mood but oftentimes it’s responsive thing a lot of what was said here. I personally understand it resonates with me. I mean i’ve been pretty open and about my experiences on this podcast and i would say that there have been circumstances. Not so much where i’m getting rejected. I think that. I tend to push back when you’ve made approaches to me without realizing what i’m doing you’ll common. Kiss me on the shoulder or do something and try to initiate and without even thinking about it. Because i’m just not in in the quote unquote mood or i haven’t done the work to maybe understand. Acknowledged what you’re doing and then be receptive to it.
00:35:00 – 00:40:15
Even if i’m not turning even if i am turning you down it’s kind of like you can do it in a way where you’ve expressed that you still desire that person and but now maybe you’re in you’re in a different head space. There’s just so a lot is i’m trying to. I’m no not at all. But i do think that i respond to a certain way to to sex in advances and it may not be the May not be the norm in terms of how you know. Men are told to respond rate. Which i think is a lot of bullcrap. I think that there’s just you’re supposed as a guy we’ve retold. I was still growing up. That you want sex all the time anyone ever presents it to you. You’re supposed to jump on. The truth is i. Don’t feel like that and it does take time. What during the day you approach me. I love you. I’m attracted to you. But i probably have fifteen other things going on. That are eating at me. So i have to acknowledge. Maybe i can take a minute to just enjoy this. But sometimes you can’t but a lot of times he’s got a lot on the go. Yeah so anyway. I’m not answering anything. But i’m just. I’m feeling a lot of similarities in this and rejection and humiliation are really hard to deal with deal with it on a daily basis with what i do and rejection is hard like it feels really crappy when somebody says even from a business perspective. They don’t wanna work with you because it’s a cut against you think it’s a cut against two. You are when a lot of times. It may have something that doesn’t have anything to do with. You could be something else going on with that person or another reason that they reject you and the same principles could apply in a relationship yang. You need to practice that being rejected right in in like safer environments. I think what you’re saying is interesting. So if you’re in the middle of doing something you’re working on offer and i come up to you. I don’t feel. I’m usually trying to have sex with you by the way i’m just trying to touch. You interpreted your your your touch. Yeah i was just trying to squeeze through small space in your t. Think but if i kiss you and you saying like i need a minute i have to also understand that you might be saying no to one specific thing but you’re not saying no to me like you’re not saying no just get away from me you’re saying no. I don’t have time for that right now. Are not in the mood right now. And sometimes you might say and the actually for me especially lately. I’m not in the mood but you can get help to get me in the mood or if it’s also my job to get myself in the mood so votes what i was thinking too. You can take a minute and go and do your thing in. I know this is kind of a big question. But i hope that you get a little bit more comfortable initiating whether that’s like teasing with him or kissing with him or lying with him or asking what you can do for him or telling him what you’d like him to do to you right. It’s not your job to just you know. He says his libido is changeable. It’s not always your job to get him in the mood. He can also change himself. I do want to speak to that piece about the patriarchy and trying to find that piece so you told them once that you felt the patriarchy made you feel less sexually assertive because women are taught to be passive when he told you to stop blaming your problems on external factors. Okay so. I think this is an important piece to address because we are not immune from systemic forces and humans. Do not exist with their own free will in a vacuum so your identity Whether it’s your gender identity your sexual orientation your age your race other pieces that are core to your being when you are dealing with oppression when you are dealing with stigma when you are dealing with restrictive role assignments that inevitably is going to affect how you feel. And so i really don’t want to dismiss this. I would love future vehicle to have a conversation with your partner about this. Because i think this is quite a big deal. You are not blaming your problems on external factors. Your identity is tied to the way you move throughout the world because everywhere you go. You are treated as a woman. All the messages you have received around sex are tied to your gender identity. I’m not saying that you can’t you know. Change some of those or make some shifts but this idea that we’re all just kind of soft determined and if you have the right mindset and if you take action you can be anything you want to be comes from a place up privilege. Not everybody has the same privilege to move throughout the world and make the changes that it sounds like her being suggested. So i think that’s a really fair thing to say that you know as a woman you’ve received these messages and i think maybe you could go back to him and say no. It’s important that i kind of flush these out with you. And and i’d like you to understand and maybe you can go do some reading on your own about the ways in which patriarchal oppression affects the way women mate relate have sex. Feel about herself sexually. Would you see what. I’m saying at the very beginning. How can i not take something out of this conversation. If some if you were to present that to me now no come on. You’re charles boyle boiler here but but what i’m saying is if you were to say that to me and all of a sudden i’m like yeah you’re right every single day every single thing that you do you are being impacted by this so to say that stump leeming external sources again as a man in this conversation.
00:40:15 – 00:44:36
I told i should think about things from that perspective. Right gives me an opportunity to be a better man to be a better human being a partner to you right in a question you might ask for curiosity is you know how does what are the rules using you assigned as a guy right like maybe he feels badly saying no may. Because i mean you’ve kind of set this that when gender roles get reversed in a six hetero relationship it can feel emasculating. That’s not my job to fix. The world needs to be fixed. And you can also work through your feelings and i support you like. I don’t wanna make you feel away. The feels bad for you. But i also don’t wanna play into gender stereotypes and say well i need to make a man feel like a man like if there’s something that turns feeling like a man. I’m happy to play with that. But in life we need to work on that. Like you need to work on that and we all need to dismantle that. And that’s when i talk about patriarchy. I’m not just talking about misogyny. And the way adversely affects women. Were also talking about the way. It’s hard on men. It’s not good for anybody. Obviously it excludes anyone who’s non binary and trans folks but it’s not good for anybody at all is the bottom line. I agree and i think asking yourself and more portly as in that conversation there in that question is just being the man in that and thinking about think about how do i move through the world without thinking about any of these other things like i find. I’m using workbook right now and asking myself the questions in writing down how you know. How impacted really changes my perception of how i navigate through the world so i think you know yeah think about it think about in do the work on gender. No the work. The workbook is on being white fragility. And i gotta tell you. When i’m i’m finding it really helpful to understand my privilege. More importantly the questions and the activities that you have to do on a daily basis to think about things and did they talk about gender. I’m just curious because you have gone to gender. They do make some reference to it but not as much much cool. Thanks for sharing that. You’re going to say the name. I don’t know it’s layla saieed. i’m not sure if i pronounced their name. Okay no it. Yeah yeah so white supremacy orange and white supremacist. So yeah really Great book. I haven’t done that around the in particular. It’s the questions that i find really helpful because it’s one thing to read the information in a chapter but when you get to the questions at the end where you actually have to write down a personal in being press. If it’s not until. I actually start to work through the questions like yes. I’ve done that. Yes i’ve thought that yes. I still do this and then for me. It really cements. What was said in that chapter. And i find it very very helpful to work at the workbook. Thank you all right well. I’m gonna stop there because we went way overtime. And i know brandon actually has to go but Really do thank you for your questions. I didn’t answer the piece around learning to be a dumb I’m going to direct you to limitadas dot com. Because i believe luna has a whole course like a webinar. You can watch on learning to be a dumb which i think is worthwhile luna mattis dot com. So do check that out. I wanna say thank you to our sponsors as well been working with love honey and they have a big sale on right now so do go. Checkout love honey dot com or love. Honey dot ca. It’ll take you to the appropriate country at take advantage of that sale. You know somebody actually had sent in another question about a quiet sex toy. I get that question like all the time and Quiet sex toys womanizer. Womanizer toys are actually on sale at love. Honey so check them out and use code. Dr jess ten four an additional. I think ten percent off that would make sense so. Dr jess dr doctor correct. Dr. j. e. s. s. ten. I thanks bay. Thanks for chatting. That was a little bit different than usual but get talk. yeah same same. Same same same. Same all right folks and yeah. Thanks for being my charles boyle. If folks don’t watch brooklyn nine nine. Charles boyle is always pump. Another five jake fraud. I feel bad when you’re pumping the up like that. I love it. I we go back and forth sense today. I’m your boil in two thousand twenty four. I’ll be all right. Thanks folks have a great one. Wherever you’re you’re listening to the sex with dr jess podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.