June 17, 2021
The Ultimate Guide To Dirty Talk: 60+ Tips & Examples
Are you comfortable talking dirty? Do you feel silly trying new lines, approaches and scenarios? You’re not alone. Jess and Brandon share their struggles (while sharing a few laughs) and offer guidance & strategies for all types of dirty talk from sweet and romantic to naughty and kinky. They try out dozens of lines that you can practice on your own and share with a partner (or two!).
And check out IOBAToys.com for the OhMyC, a silent clitoral massager that fits in the palm of your hand. Use code DRJESS to save 30% off!
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 218: Master Dirty Talk: 60+ Tips & Examples
You’re listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co host Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half Dr. Jess.
Dr. Jess (00:23):
How are you?
Dr. Jess (00:25):
I’m fine. I want you to talk dirty to me.
I want you. I want you right now. You smiling and laughing at me doesn’t help with the confidence here.
Dr. Jess (00:36):
I’m not laughing, I was just smiling at you. What do you think I want to hear in bed when I say talk dirty?
I think you want to hear that I want you that, I can’t stop thinking about you.
Dr. Jess (00:49):
You never say that. If you know I want to hear that
I know it, it doesn’t mean it’s what I say.
Dr. Jess (00:54):
So why don’t you say that?
Because I feel stupid. Talking dirty, I feel dumb.
Dr. Jess (01:01):
Perfect setup for this episode.
Is it really?
Dr. Jess (01:04):
I think so, because we’re going to be talking about dirty talk. And I think so many of us feel that way. But can I ask you something? In the heat of the moment, when you’re like all riled up and you’re turned on and you know that I’m liking it and you’re liking it, do you feel less silly?
No I still feel silly. Because I think, because I don’t know what to say.
Dr. Jess (01:21):
But you do know what to say, because you just said it, in jest.
Yes but in the moment, it’s like I’m drawing so many blanks.
Dr. Jess (01:32):
Well yeah anyhow. I was thinking that what I find is, that the more turned on I am, the less self conscious I am. If I’m in the heat of the moment, ’cause I don’t worry about what’s going on around me, I don’t think about anybody else’s needs.
But that’s my problem. My problem is I’m constantly paying attention to everything that’s happening around me. And I’m not immersed in the moment, even when I’m really into things. I’m still cognizant of how much noise is being made or you know just the environment and that really detracts from what’s happening.
Dr. Jess (02:07):
So what do we do about that? I mean I know what we can do about that. What do you wanna do about that?
I look at it as my problem. I think I have to really get into the head space and also not care as much. I mean you make noise and somebody hears you, it’s not the end of the world.
Dr. Jess (02:23):
What’s the consequence if someone hears us?
Not much, like maybe embarrassment. Even as I’m saying these words aloud, you’re like, “well what is the consequence?” and then my own perception of sex, like there’s this fear of what somebody else might think if I have it. Oh my gosh, right? Oh my gosh, if you hear it and your children here you, it’s a conversation.
Dr. Jess (02:48):
But we don’t have kids, so speak about like, what are you talking about?
If your dad hears us.
Dr. Jess (02:55):
Okay. So what happens if my dad hears us?
Your Irish Catholic father, hears us?
Dr. Jess (03:00):
Okay, well what are the consequences?
Nothing except I feel awkward. “Hey I was upstairs, and we were doing it. I was getting pegged”
Dr. Jess (03:08):
But he’s not here now. So what about when he hasn’t been here in a while? Why are you conscious about sound without him here?
I really don’t know. I guess it’s ingrained in me where I just have to be mindful, or other people shouldn’t hear you’re doing it. So it’s a much deeper conversation to have.
Dr. Jess (03:27):
Look at you trying to not have it right now.
Yeah I’m definitely not trying to have it right now. I don’t know what to say about it. I do, I genuinely feel uncomfortable when I feel like somebody else’s listening, or below.
Dr. Jess (03:38):
Well our windows are always open and like the kids are playing in the lane and our houses are touching other houses. So do you think about the neighbours?
Yeah I do. I’m aware of it, for sure am. Because in all the years that we’ve lived here, and we’ve lived here a long time, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody else having sex. So maybe people just don’t have sex here.
Dr. Jess (03:56):
That is correct, we are the only people on the street having sex.
Thing is, people just need to make more noise.
Dr. Jess (04:02):
No hang on, actually our previous, previous neighbours. They had a woman living with them for a while and her bedroom abutted my office, the office we’re sitting in right now. And they had sex in the afternoon all the time afternoon.
Little afternoon delight, on the regular.
Dr. Jess (04:15):
Yeah. It didn’t really bother me. But I joked about it too. I was like there was a lot is happening in this house and I think it was bothering the couple who actually owned the house. ‘Cause they’re, you know, you don’t know the houses we live in but they’re quite open concept. All the houses are the same. Ao sort of go back to — we’re gonna be talking about dirty talk today — but kind of bring it back to the beginning. I’m asking what you think I wanna hear. You know some of the things I wanna hear, and you say you feel silly saying it. And I was saying just to kind of bring this full circle, that the more turned on I get, the more immersed in the experience I get. The less I care about feeling silly, like the inhibitions just drop, and that aligns with science, suggesting that as you get more turned on those inhibitions plummet. But I wonder if you’re holding yourself back from even letting those inhibitions go, because you’ve got this other thing, the self-consciousness piece that isn’t related to dirty talk, but related to being heard and that holds you back from dirty talk.
Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack there. But you’re right. And I do know what you want to hear, and I should say there have been instances where I have gotten into it and I’ve played with it a bit but I’ve needed to really push myself.
Dr. Jess (05:23):
I hear you talk in bed all the time. You always say shit to me. What else do you think I wanna hear?
Hold on, what do you want to hear, or what do I wanna hear?
Dr. Jess (05:30):
Okay. I’m on me, me, me, me, me, me, me. What do you think I wanna hear?
Like I said, I think you want to hear that I want you, that I desire you, that I can’t wait to get my claws into you. That I can’t wait to have sex with you, that your body feels incredible.
Dr. Jess (05:46):
Well don’t look at me while you’re saying it, it’s too much.
Might have to cut this podcast short.
Dr. Jess (05:51):
I also, I like other little things you say. I don’t want to share everything and I’m sorry folks like I wish I could share more, but there’s days when I’m like more vulnerable and today’s a pretty vulnerable day because of some other stuff, but I like it when you say like, I’m a good girl. I like it when you call me like a good girl, and kind of control me a little, because it’s a little subversive. Because I know I’m not, I’m a pain in the ass. I don’t mind when you tell me I’m being bad, but it’s not as exciting as when you tell me I’m being good, because it’s so much the opposite of I think how you perceive me, or how I perceive myself. And so sorry I kinda just put you on the spot right in the beginning and opened up this can of worms. But I’d like to talk about dirty talk and pull some content actually from my latest book, co authored by Marla Renee Stewart, and that’s The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. ‘Cause we dedicate a big section to verbal seduction and I’ve talked about it many times that I’m very audio person, like the other day I ran into a guy that I went to junior school with. And so I haven’t seen him in, I actually think we went to high school for a bit together as well, but I haven’t seen him in over twenty years. And he said, “oh Jessica O’Reilly.” And I didn’t recognize him at all but then I processed his voice and I was able to remember who he was. So voices really leave an impact on me. So for me, I’m less visual than I am audio. Although I have to say lately I’m feeling more visual with you, so I don’t know like what am tapping into, what has changed in my life, but I would never see somebody and think, “Oh they’re really hot. I’d like to have sex with them.” That would never happen for me. But their personality, especially the way they speak, their cadence, their tone, their language.
So what you’re saying is, you were drawn to my personality.
Dr. Jess (07:39):
Dr. Jess (07:41):
You’re nice to look at obviously. That’s part of it. But I’ve never been like immediately sexually turned on by something visual. Lately, I’m finding that I am. And I’m wondering if it’s because I’m under a little bit of stress, and I want multiple senses to kind of overwhelm me. So yeah I wanna hear things, I wanna feel things physically, but I also need to see things. Which is brand new, this just started a couple of weeks ago. But today we’re gonna be talking about dirty talk. And before we dive in, and I wanna share, I don’t know fifty, a hundred different dirty talk lines, and try them out and we can practice them.
But I do want to shout out our sponsors, so you’ve probably heard me talk about Ioba toys in the past. And the OHMYG which is a super, super quiet G-spot massager, but I just received another Ioba Toys package and this one is the OHMYC. So it’s a silent clitoral massager, it fits right into the palm of your hand and it has this unique kind of rotating massaging pearl stimulation that is intended for external play. ‘Cause I was saying that the OHMYG, you could use externally, but this one’s definitely designed for external play. Because you just kinda hold it in your hand and you put a down there. And it’s of course you know high quality silicone and body safe, but it’s an external toy, so more my vibe and I’m pretty excited about it, and folks can check it out at http://www.iobatoys.com. It’s OHMYC and you can save, I believe it’s thirty percent with code DRJESS and this is some really cool technology. ‘Cause the OHMYG was the first toy using this technology that I had seen. I thought it was really cool because I’m more of an external person, I was kind of off market using it externally. But I’m excited to see this OHMYC which is kind of rounder, it’s sort of the shape of a computer mouse. And you hold it nicely in your hand. And I’ve already tried it.
And it has the Dr. Jess approval.
Dr. Jess (09:46):
I like it, so do check that out at http://www.iobatoys.com. And also I should mention that I will put a video clip of it on my instagram shortly. So I wanna talk dirty talk and I wanna start by saying that. I think what you are describing, that feeling of silliness, is pretty universal. Right, especially on a podcast, when I put you on the spot and say “hey talk dirty to me.” And dirty, I always remind people is a bit of a misnomer because dirty talk can be loving or raw, or raunchy, or edgy, or silly, or fun, or even funny or sweet or romantic and it ties back to erotic emotional connections. You’ve heard me talk about core erotic feelings and elevated erotic feelings, and this really entails understanding how your partner wants to feel. How do you wanna feel to get in the mood for sex, and what feelings take sex to another level? So if you think about dirty talk, in terms of making your partner feel a certain way, from my perspective that can take away some of those intimidating feelings that make you feel a little bit silly.
So it’s not about what I’m saying. It’s about how my words are making you feel. So what I was thinking was that we could play with different types of dirty talking, practice them and folks can practice them at home or wherever you are. And you know I do think one thing that holds people back, is that our model of dirty talk, like our model for many things sexual, comes from porn. Where there’s this emphasis on screwing harder and stronger and faster and jamming it in holes and getting rough and just talking about the size.
Just in random holes, or any hole?
Dr. Jess (11:22):
Any orifice. And I think these approaches obviously worked for some people in some situations, but for many of us it feels like too much right, and so we avoid it altogether. We think “I don’t talk like a porn star. So how can I talk?” So I thought we could start with different types of dirty talk. So if you’re the type of person for example who’s turned on by being monogamous, being wanted, kind of being the only one. There are some more kind of obvious lines you can use right? You might wanna hear like, “I’ll never want anyone but you.” You know “you’re too good, no one could possibly compare.” “I love how you treat me, you’re the only one for me.” “You can do anything you want.” You might be turned on by possession right, like “you’re all mine,” “I adore every part of you,” “I want you to use me.” Or “I want to use your body all night long.” Or you might say, “I want this to last forever.” Or “I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I can’t imagine it being so good. I want this for the rest of my life. I love you so much.” You know, “when you when you do me like this, I feel even closer.” And like so those are more kind of romantic, monogamous focused lines. I don’t know, would you want to hear any of those, be honest. Like if I said “I’ll never want anyone but you.”
It immediately does not do it for me. But again, situationally, perhaps. I think it just depends what we’re doing, how we’re feeling. what we’re getting into. So I mean all of these could work, but none of them are the, you know, none of them really kind of set me off.
Dr. Jess (12:51):
Can you say any of them? Can you practice them?
There’s no one else other than you. And I never want this to end.
Dr. Jess (12:59):
Okay. Yeah, doesn’t do too, too much for me. I definitely want to feel desired. You know what I would like? I would like, “I love you.” Like I think in sex I would love to hear “I love you” because I don’t think you say, “I love you” all the time. Every time we hang up the phone, every time you walk out the door, every time we go to bed, you say “I love you” all the time, but I don’t think during sex you say “I love you.”
No, I don’t think I do. But even as I’m saying those lines to you, I feel awkward. And I know that people are listening. I know, I know that. But there’s no one here right now. It’s just you and I, and I feel so ridiculous saying those words, and I think it’s because I know the people are listening to me and maybe judging me, so.
Dr. Jess (13:46):
Of course they’re judging.
I did not say that line very well. The delivery was off.
Dr. Jess (13:54):
There was one person who asked me to kick you off the podcast.
Yeah, that person was angry. I hope they’re listening right now, cause I’m just gonna keep talking.
Dr. Jess (14:04):
Yes, so the monogamous ones aren’t as exciting to me. That doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t be exciting to someone else’s partner. And if I had to explain it, not that everything requires an explanation, but I think, I really know that you’re committed to me. I really feel loved by you. And that feels so good, but it doesn’t necessarily feel erotic. Because erotic for me personally, not for everyone, is about like a little bit of risk, a little bit of edge, and so that kind of moves us into non monogamous fantasies and desires that you can play with through dirty talk, because that’s something we’ve done over the years. That’s something that I worked through with many, many couples, like especially couples who are mostly monogamous, so their lifestyle and their relationship is monogamous, but once in a while they go to a club or once in a while they go down to desire, especially couples who go to desire just once a year, they have their fun, it creates a little bit of tension, creates a little bit of risk, it creates novelty, a little bit of fear and that sort of fills their tank for the year until they, not that that’s the only pleasure they get, but it gives them the risk they need.
And if you are monogamous, but you like to play with non monogamous fantasies, you can do that through dirty talk right? And that’s something that you can really perfect and can be very exciting, and I think can really draw you into the moment. In fact, I wonder for you Brandon, because you talk about being you know self conscious and being worried about whether the neighbours are listening. I do think sometimes when you get into certain fantasies, you get more into that moment right? So for example, just to give an example, so you might say to a partner like, “I can’t wait to share you. I’m ready to have that threesome now. I’m gonna bring them in. You deserve like so much more than one. I wanna give it to you. I want to set up. I want to set up a threesome for you. I want to set up the best orgy you’ve ever had” or “this weekend is all about you, we’re all here to please you.” Or you know, “of course I wanna share you, I’m gonna invite someone over to play.” And you can play and weave with those lines right? So we’ve already been through, I don’t know at least more than a dozen kind of dirty talk lines. What about those things, do those do anything for you? I mean I sorta know the answer.
Yeah no, they definitely do. But on the flip side, it’s like when I’ve tried to incorporate those in for you, it has not done it for you.
Dr. Jess (16:30):
Yeah it’s not something that really gets me going. And again not to always have to go to explanations, but I wonder if it’s partly owing to my gender. I know I can get a lover. I know I can get laid. I know people express their desire for me more clearly than for you. And so like the excitement of being wanted might be more exciting for you, or the scenario of me sharing you with someone, and I know that can be very possessive language, but for some people that’s a turn on, can be a turn on. And what I found, is that for many couples, just talking about threesomes can be so much more exciting than the challenge and logistics of actually trying to have one. Now some people do have threesomes, and actually we have a show coming up on threesomes shortly, so that’s interesting. So you like to hear these things. can you like, what is it you like to feel when you hear these things?
I like to feel desired. I like to feel that. I know that you want me. I like when somebody else wants me. That works, that does it for me.
Dr. Jess (17:35):
So I know for some people that could be upsetting, the concept of someone else wanting you, being more exciting than my wanting you. And the flip side of that is that it can also be exciting to have someone want you, when you don’t know they want you right? Like when I say “I want you,” You already know. I’ve been telling it to you for twenty years right, I’ve been showing you. But the risk of someone who could potentially reject you, wanting you, not that I can’t reject you, but I’m not gonna I’m probably not gonna blanket reject you forever and ever. And so, there’s something more exciting about something new. It’s that, it’s new relationship energy. It’s the unknown. It’s the risk. It’s the butterflies right? We talk about butterflies being related to anxiety and fear of rejection right? When people get butterflies they think it’s because something’s really special, but really what it is, it’s a little bit of anxiety and that affects your digestive tract, and that affects your anal sphincter and it contracts, and so you get butterflies in your tummy. And you think it’s true love but it’s just anal sphincter contractions.
That’s an interesting way to play with non monogamy fantasies, whether you are monogamous or not, so that’s a whole category of dirty talk. Other categories could be kind of playfulness right? “Do like it when I touch you there,” like “I want to wrap my hands around here.” I might be kind of bratty and say, “I always get what I want. Remember that.” Right, and play with that. I can say, “you look so cute like that,” or “you can have me any way you want.” I can say “let’s wrestle and play and see where it goes.” I might say “you want this, don’t you?” Right, and kind of play with the inquisitive. I could tease you, draw more out of you, and say “I know what you’re thinking.” And I noticed myself adjusting my voice, not on purpose, as I do this and of course, it reminds me of the things my mom used to say to me growing up, “Jessica. It’s not what you say it’s how you say it.” And so the tone, the volume, the cadence, the speed, can help to increase comfort when you’re talking dirty. Like do you find that if maybe you were to whisper something and it was in the dark, you might be more comfortable?
Yeah I do. I also think that speaking to you and doing other things, meaning touching you, grabbing you, looking you in the eyes, helps me right? Like if I were to say something dirty in bed, I always think about how I try to make eye contact with you.
Dr. Jess (20:12):
And that’s so overwhelming for me.
I know. And that’s why I do it, because I know that it works. But I find I will couple whatever it is I’m saying with something that I know works well. So you know, another idea is just to do that. Somebody likes to be touched on their stomach, on their leg, on their thigh. Wherever you’re touching them, and you tell them how much you like it. And play with that, play with something that you know that already works.
Dr. Jess (20:38):
So you’re saying that that gives you a boost in confidence, and kind of lowers that feeling of embarrassment or silliness? Because you’re doing one thing you know I like and then if the dirty talk doesn’t land, no I’m serious.
I’m laughing because it’s true. That’s exactly it, I know this is gonna work. I’m trying something else here. Because I do, I want to mix it up. I wanna keep it, I want to do something that works for you. You’ve come to me, let’s just say in this instance, and said “I wanna do this,” or I know that you like this, so of course I wanna play on that. So I’m gonna do two things at once knowing that I get a fifty percent chance of keeping you in the mood because the thing I’m doing is working you know.
Dr. Jess (21:15):
I’m curious when you talk about looking in the eye. And I do find eye contact so overwhelming with you, and especially when we’re close together. And I’m wondering if that’s your way of being a little bit dominant too? Because I want to just jump into some of these other categories you know dirty talk can also be dominant right? So I can say, “you have to follow all of my rules right now or get on your hands and knees and wait like a good boy.”
Sounds like you’re getting a little kinky.
Dr. Jess (21:44):
Of course, aren’t I always? “Spread your legs for me like your body is mine tonight,” or “you better do what I say or I’m not going to give it to you.” Or I might say you know, “I’m in charge. So you’re going to do what I want.” Or I might say, “be good and go get me my boots,” or I might say “do this now, or I’m not gonna let you finish but if you’re good.” Oh I can’t even say this for everyone right now. I can’t even do it. And so that could be the dominant side, and then you can also use dirty talk to be submissive, because some people have been sending in questions about how to be a dom, how to be a sub. So you can play with submission, like I could say, “maybe you could spank me” or I could say “I’ve been very, very bad.” I could ask you, I could say, “come over here and show me that you’re in charge,” or I could say “yes sir, whatever you like.” I think I say that sometimes, like “anything you want,” sort of playing with that. Or I might say, “I’m here for you to fulfil whatever it is you want. Tell me what to do.” Or I could tell you that you know, “I’m surrendering it all to you right now,” or I could say “I’m yours for the taking, do what you want with my body.” Right, there’s all these different ways to play.
It’s interesting to hear you say these things, because I almost, because of my discomfort, I almost always go to a joking place, in terms of how I’m going to respond. So thinking about it right now, it’s like just don’t say anything, rather than breaking it with my own discomfort by cracking a joke or doing something like that. I’m like, just listen. Just Brandon, shut your mouth, enjoy it, and then push the boundaries or your comfort from there. Because I’m comfortable pushing back right?
Dr. Jess (23:23):
But I don’t mind if you joke around, i mean a little bit of joking.
Sometimes I feel like joking is meant to cut the tension, but really the tension is just with myself. It’s on me. And also knowing that I’m just not sure what to say to respond, so you know it’s the idea that just don’t say anything, think about the situation for just a fraction of a second, rather than cutting a joke and then respond back in a way that is equally flirtatious.
Brandon Dr. Jess (23:46):
That makes sense. So I’ve got all these different categories to get through, I’m going to run out of time. Sometimes you can also use dirty talk around consent right, to cultivate consent. So “do you wanna do this tonight.” “Can I touch you right here.” “What parts do you want my tongue to taste?” “I’d love to put my fingers here, will you let me?” Or “I’d love to put my blank on your blank, what do you think?” Or “Can I tear your clothes off, it’s all been thinking about,” or “can I do you right here and toss around like a rag doll?” Or “do you want me to hold you down while you scream and resist?” Of course you can talk about safe words. Also you can use dirty talk just to give directions right? “You can come in my mouth, I wanna taste you” or “if that’s what you want, grab my head and make me do it,” right? Or “Do you like this? Tell me that you love it.”
I’ve used that one.
Dr. Jess (24:33):
I might say, you can also use it to seduce right? So “go get undressed and wait for me in bed” or “kiss me hard, I want more.” “I want you to undress me slowly” or “I want you to tear my clothes off.”
Do it. Do small. See? I’m doing jokes.
Dr. Jess (24:53):
No it’s fine, it’s fine. I mean anything, if you’re more into taboos, dirty talk can also be used to play with taboos right? Like, “Can you tie me up? It’s something I’ve been wanting to try.” Or I don’t know, “I want to give you a golden shower and get dirty with you” or “Collar me, I wanna be your perfect little pup.” Or “let’s shoot something together, I wanna watch you on video,” or, you can use it to talk about what you want to do in the future. Like “I want to do it in public,” or “let’s go to a sex club and show you off.” And that’s the other thing with fantasy right? So if there’s something that you want to do, but you’re not going to do it for whatever reason, maybe you don’t have access. Maybe it doesn’t work within the context of your relationship. Maybe you’re not ready to try it in real life. You can talk it out right, like threesomes, sex clubs, orgies, you can talk about it like it’s the real thing and it can be crazy hot. I mean I don’t know if you can speak to that.
Yeah, I can definitely speak to that. I mean playing out fantasies, knowing that it’s just a fantasy scene it doesn’t have to go anywhere else. Logistics, like the all the other things that accompany it that I think you don’t realize, you don’t have to worry about when you’re fantasizing.
Dr. Jess (26:00):
You have to worry about, how does somebody get home if I bring a threesome? Or how do you kind of segue from sex into whatever’s next.
Dr. Jess (26:11):
Right, or maybe you’re like rosa and you only have two wine glasses, so what’s the third person going to drink out of after? The other piece around dirty talk has to do with ego stroking. So I think pretty much almost everybody loves to know how great they are, and so you can obviously talk about their body, like you know, “you’re so fine I wanna taste you,” “I wanna show you off to the world,” “I’ve never had it so good. You just make me want more and more. I can’t get enough of you.” You know, “I cum harder, it feels better with you than it’s ever felt before.” “I can’t even take care of myself the way you take care of me,” like you can play with all of this. “I’d do anything to get more of you,” “I tell everyone how lucky I am,” “You taste good, you smell good.” “I crave all day long.” “Anybody would be lucky to have you.” “Everybody wants you.” “I can’t walk when we’re done.” “I feel so good.” “You’re all I think about.” “I can’t get work done when I think about you or your body, what you do with your hands.”
So all of these lines by the way are somewhere spread out in the book, in The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay, so I need to put credit there, because there’s an amalgam of, they’re put together by both Marla and I. And another piece that Marla reminded me of is that so many people get turned on by recalling sexual memories. You can also play with dirty talk with that whole like “remember that time on the beach, when…” Or “I want to go back to that theatre where we snuck into the back row.
That’s one hundred percent.
Dr. Jess (27:45):
You are in the theatre?
No not in the theatre. No you know, recalling experiences. Like I find there’s certain things right now I’m thinking of. Yeah that works for me, gets me going.
Dr. Jess (27:57):
Yeah the talk feels real to me. But you do have to let yourself go. So that’s why I’m kind of surprised that you said in the beginning that you kind of struggled to let go, because I noticed that when we talk about these things, you really get your head in the game and your body.
I do feel like I’m in the game. It’s just that if that moment, where I really am immersed, could be ten percent. And it’s a shame to think about ninety percent being distracted by the you know, things around you that don’t really matter in the moment. So again, that’s for me to focus on, just letting those go, and if I could get to twenty percent, thirty percent, all the way up to whatever, it’ll just be that much better.
Dr. Jess (28:36):
Makes sense, makes sense. Now, the other thing. I wanted to chat about is, if you’re brand, brand, new to dirty talk. Like you say, you’re nervous and silly but you do talk. So sometimes it’s just about getting comfortable, letting sounds out in bed, because so many of us have been taught to be quiet, especially when we think about early sexual experiences, often masturbating. You’re doing so in shame and secrecy and as quickly as you can. You’re trying not to get caught, and you create that potentially negative association with pleasure. And so you stifle your sounds, and when we stifle our sounds we affect our breathing, and when we stifle our breathing it can affect sexual response. So sometimes it’s just about practicing making noises, like just starting with “mmmm” or “yes” or “Don’t stop.” And just use those words to practice saying something.
Do you feel like you express yourself when we’re having sex?
Dr. Jess (29:36):
It really depends where we are right? It depends whose home, like the other day we were in the hotel, and the way our hotel room was positioned was right next to the garden patio where everybody was drinking their english tea. The other thing is people find that sometimes when they’re talking dirty and their new to it, that just keeping the volume really low or the sounds really muffled can help to ease you into it. Like even when I say these dirty talk lines right now I noticed that lower my voice. I have a lot of voices.
Really, you do? Because I don’t think you do. You have different tones of voice, different cadence as you said.
Dr. Jess (31:12):
Well my friend said they don’t recognize me on the podcast sometimes.
I’m going to use the British accent next time.
Dr. Jess (31:19):
The next time I’m bad, tell me I’m a good girl with a British accent.
You’re a very bad girl.
Dr. Jess (31:25):
That wasn’t even British.
I don’t know what that was.
Dr. Jess (31:30):
Do Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Ya. You’re such a good girl. I want to play with your nipples. Just let me twist them. I want to twist the right nipple.
Dr. Jess (31:58):
It’s funny because we’re sitting here laughing. And I do think it’s okay to laugh and misspeak and let the awkwardness kind of flow because it does cut the tension, and laughter actually brings you back to the present moment. Like when we’re sitting here laughing, I’m not worrying about like my sound levels or anything. I know people are like “you’re sound sucks Jess, we know you don’t care about your sound levels.”
Dr. Jess (31:21):
But the laughter really does just bring you into the moment. And I think the really important thing to remember is that if you feel silly and it doesn’t work and it ruins the mood or you know, it feels screwed up, it’s not the last time you can ever try it. Like you can reset. You can try it again tomorrow. You can try it again next week. Sex doesn’t have to be the end of the world right. These things don’t have to be the end of the world, and one other strategy we talk about in our book is practicing. Because obviously practicing these skills helps to cultivate comfort. Practicing with different emphasis on different syllables, so just getting different emphasis on different words. So I could say “Would you like to get nasty tonight?” Or I could say, hang on. I’m trying. I’m setting myself up, “Would you like to get nasty tonight?”
Would you like to get nasty tonight?
Dr. Jess (33:12):
I could say, “Would you like to get nasty tonight?” Right? Or I could say, “Would you like to get nasty tonight?” So you can play with emphasis, you can whisper, like, “would you like to get nasty tonight?” Okay. I hope that we’ve given you some examples of lines you can try, hope that we’ve broken it down with some reminders that you can use dirty talk to give directions or cultivate consent, or describe what you’re doing. I don’t know if I talked about describing what you’re doing but for example like I can look at you and say, “I’m just gonna unbutton your pants,” and then kind of make you wait, and anticipate and look you in the eyes. Or I could say, “I’m gonna go lick right here. Do you like it?” right? So you can describe what you’re doing, you can allude to what you’re about to do. You can definitely live out fantasies in a role play or kind of imaginative fashion. We didn’t talk about that right, like we could play with different fantasies. I could ask you like, I don’t know we could be someone different. I could say like “my partners out of town, do you want a sneak around?” Actually I was reading this thing today, from just a survey not a scientific study, that one of the most popular role play for couples is to play strangers right? That’s a real turn on for me, like a total stranger.
Dr. Jess (34:43):
Oh yeah. I don’t wanna know you, I don’t want to like you. I don’t wanna know about your childhood. I just wanna use you right now. There’s a scene from Six Feet Under, I know that’s an old, old, show, where was his name Nate? Nate and Brenda hook up in an airport closet. They hook up and they don’t talk and they say something like, and this is how I remember it okay, this was like fifteen years ago I watched this scene. But I remember I just loved that they didn’t talk. They didn’t know each other’s names. They just hooked up. So that’s again, that’s why I’m telling you a fantasy, so that’s something you could play with. It could be around punishment, it could be around dominance, it could be around submission. It could be sweet and playful, it can be romantic, non-monogamous. I just want to remind people that it can be all of these things and it doesn’t have to be perfect and obviously you can have fun with it.
Even this conversation, I’ve derived something out of it personally with you and it hasn’t been all serious really. So U just want to encourage people to explore this. You don’t have to do everything and anything, you don’t have to love dirty talk. Certainly talking about sex during sex leads to better sex, and part of that talk can be dirty talk. And learning to seduce with your words is also just a skill that can enhance your sex life and in so many ways, and improve overall communication. And for me, what dirty talk does, is it intensifies whatever feeling I’m going for. So like you started by saying that I wanna feel desired. But that’s not the only thing I wanna feel like. I like a sense of risk. I like being told something I’m not. Like that good girl thing is such an interesting thing to me. When I think about the few times when you’ll tell me I’m a good girl, like I love it. I’m not gonna say anything more than that I’m just gonna to leave it there but really you can use your words to bring fantasy to life and I think that’s a really nice bridge between fantasizing about something and actually doing that something. I think that cultivating it with language, especially for folks who are audial, can be really powerful. If you’re more visual, just watching porn that depicts that type of thing might be another way to enhance it. So I’m gonna leave it at that. Hopefully folks will try something new. Maybe emulate Brandon’s accent.
I’m sorry, to everyone today.
Dr. Jess (37:53):
Thank you so much for tuning in. I want to remind you to check out http://www.iobatoys.com for the OHMYC. Also check out the demo that I will be posting on my instagram shortly, and use code DRJESS for some big savings, I believe it’s thirty percent. And it really is a unique and cool clitoral massager, with this silent massaging, so do check them out. Thanks for chatting with me babe.
Dr. Jess (38:18):
Thanks for talking dirty to me.
Dr. Jess (38:21):
We never got to the part where you said what you wanna hear.
You know what, we’ll save that for another episode.
Dr. Jess (38:26):
You mean private, in bed. Yeah, you snuck around that one. Thanks folks wherever you’re at, hope you have a great one.
You’re listening to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.