May 6, 2021
Exes, Erogenous Zones & Erotic Massage
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This week we explore surprising hot spots on the body including the Million Dollar Mark as well as a variety of erotic touch techniques from the Liquid Trace to the Breath Kiss. We also answer a listener question about whether or not to invite an ex to your wedding.
Thanks to our amazing sponsor OMG by IOBA. I love this toy! Save 30% with code DRJESS
And don’t forget to tune into Intimately You with Dr. Jess on CityTV Fridays at midnight starting May 14th — presented by TSC!
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 212: Exes, Erogenous Zones & Erotic Massage
(00:05):
You’re listening to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
Brandon (00:16):
Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. I’m your co host Brandon Ware here with my always lovely other half Dr. Jess.
Dr. Jess (00:24):
I’m not so lovely today.
Brandon (00:27):
I think you’re lovely. And I’m not just saying that for brownie points.
Dr. Jess (00:31):
You’re being sarcastic.
Brandon (00:32):
You’re hot.
Dr. Jess (00:33):
Oh, I’m nice to look at. That’s not what I meant. I have a bad attitude.
Brandon (00:37):
You got the bad attitude all right. You got a bad-a-tude. Yeah you hot.
Dr. Jess (00:41):
It’s been a day.
Brandon (00:43):
It has.
Dr. Jess (00:44):
I have to say. So I had such a wild day today, it was a bit of a rough one where I started with a live shoot, and our internet went down, and I pissed off the live audience, and a whole bunch of other things went down. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But then I had therapy, so I just talked to my therapist Carla and I feel, I don’t know like nine notches calmer.
Brandon (01:03):
That’s great.
Dr. Jess (01:04):
Yeah.
Brandon (01:05):
I went upstairs and banged my head into the wall.
Dr. Jess (01:08):
It sounded like you were working out.
Brandon (01:10):
Yeah I did. I did some calisthenics.
Dr. Jess (01:13):
So you did your work out. I got my therapy. Are you feeling calmer?
Brandon (01:16):
I always feel calmer after I am physical.
Dr. Jess (01:20):
I thought you were gonna say you feel calmer after I go to therapy
Brandon (01:25):
I always feel better when you have therapy. No, I feel, I feel better all right.
Dr. Jess (01:28):
You’ve got your outlet. I’ve got mine. Now we’re gonna be talking about erogenous zones today. Hopefully we’ll get into some erotic massage techniques, we have a question about exes. Before we dive in, I want to say thank you to OhMyG, they are our sponsor today. This is a super quiet toy by Ioba that massages the G zone internally, with this come hither kind of swirling motion. It’s really, really, cool. So if you picture a dildo with a kind of c-shape shaped curve to it, so that it gets really nicely into that G zone and at the tip of it, it has sort of an elongated pearl the size of a chocolate covered almond at the inner end, and it curves and pulses at varying speeds. I like the lowest speed, like slow and sensual. But you can turn it up if you like more intensity, and it’s nice and quiet. It’s made of body safe silicone and you can check it out on my reels on instagram if you wanna see how it works. Or you can head over to http://www.Iobatoys.com and use code DRJESS, save 30% of this week and yet again it’s a really cool toy. I haven’t had any toy like this, so very, very, cool.
Brandon (02:36):
I thought you’re going to say. I like to slow setting and Brandon likes the fast setting.
Dr. Jess (02:41):
You might like it fast on your balls, I don’t know, it’s pretty powerful.
Brandon (02:44):
Yeah, it is. that video that you’ve posted about it, that was awesome.
Dr. Jess (02:48):
I love it. Now onto something else. I have some very exciting news. Okay so I have some very exciting news because I’m going to be hosting a new show. I’ve partnered with TSC to launch Intimately You with Dr. Jess. And this is a twelve part series, that will be airing on CityTV Friday nights at midnight, starting next week May 14th. And it’s all about sex and pleasure and it features a rotating roster of really great guest experts. We have Luna Matatas joining us. We have Shamyra Howard and others diving into topics related to sex, pleasure, relationships. And every show features a sexual wellness brand so we have Lelo, we have Womanizer, we have Love Honey, we have We-Vibe, Romp, Arcwave, we’ve got High On Love. We got all these cool products. So we’re going to feature information as well as some really cool products, and each show has a different theme. So we’re starting with full-body orgasms for show number one, moving onto sexual communication for show number two. And what’s really cool is they’ve collected questions from across Canada. So we’re gonna be answering viewer questions with our experts, so pretty excited about that. If you do miss the show on CityTV Fridays at midnight, you can catch it on http://www.tsc.ca.
Brandon (04:14):
That’s awesome. I’m very excited, because I have been unable to catch the behind the scenes that I normally do. Like if you’re shooting sometimes, if I show up on set I can see what’s happening, and because of the COVID restrictions, I’m unable to go. So I’m very excited to watch it this Friday.
Dr. Jess (04:28):
It’s so cool that we have a show that’s you know, about pleasure, but also about sex toys, actually featuring sex toys on a mainstream network like CityTV, it’s so cool. So please tune in and send me your questions if you’ve got any, we’ll do our best to answer them and again you can check it out at http://www.tsc.ca if you don’t have access to CityTV or can’t make it live.
Brandon (04:49):
Shall we begin?
Dr. Jess (04:51):
Yes. So you know what, before we get into erogenous zones, I want to answer one of these listener questions. So somebody writes in and asks — this is a good one, I thought this was interesting — “I want to invite my ex to my wedding because we’re still friends” and they added that they’ve canceled their wedding twice because of COVID, “But it’s actually going through this summer, my partner says he’s totally cool with it, but his mom and his sister are saying that I shouldn’t even be friends with my ex and that it’s a bad sign, yada yada yada, what do I do?”
Brandon (05:20):
Do you want my answer? Whose wedding is it?
Dr. Jess (05:22):
I guess it’s this persons, and their partners.
Brandon (05:24):
Exactly. So I mean for me, I think back to our wedding and maybe I wasn’t as involved as I wish I had been, in terms of the organization and the planning and all that. I mean at the end of the day, you did everything. But even though I wasn’t involved I think that we, first of all your side, your mom was so accepting whatever we chose to do. And I know that there were certain people that we should have invited or you know had there but it was just like “whatever you wanna do, you do.” And I really looking back, I really appreciate that. Because I felt like it really was a wedding.
Dr. Jess (06:07):
I think this came up when the royals got married. Harry and Megan, one of them or two of them, wanted to invite an ex to the wedding and it was this whole hoopla. And it’s so weird because if the people who are getting married are comfortable with it, why are other people interfering and why can’t you be friends with your ex? So I’ll be honest. I’m actually not friends with any of my exes. But I understand that some people are, like love isn’t finite, you can love your partner and you can love your friends and you can love your family and just because you break up and you’re no longer involved in like maybe a sexual way or a romantic way, doesn’t mean you can’t be involved in a platonic way or another type of loving way. So it’s funny, because I was on Instagram live this week and we were talking about, the host was asking me if you could be friends with people of the opposite sex. And so I am equally attracted to kind of all genders. So to me, it’s not about whether you’re a man or a woman or non binary or whatever you may be. None of those is more of a threat to the relationship than the other. Because they’re all, I don’t see them as a threat, I don’t think you see them as a threat.
Brandon (07:15):
I definitely don’t see them as as a threat. And when we first got together, I would say that some of your best friends were of the opposite sex, and I didn’t think twice about it.
Dr. Jess (07:24):
Oh let’s go back to that though. Do you remember that, when I was going to see my buddy in Ottawa. Your parents said something.
Brandon (07:32):
I didn’t say anything. I thought your friend was great. I liked them, thought they were a really nice person. So when you said you were going to go, I didn’t care but yeah no. My parents said something. I don’t even remember but wasn’t it some, it was essentially a passive aggressive comment. Kind of like, “Aren’t you worried about it?” or “that’s weird.”
Dr. Jess (07:50):
Yeah, that I shouldn’t be going and staying with guy friend.
Brandon (07:54):
And I immediately thought to myself, “why are you making it a thing when it’s not a thing?” I didn’t think anything of it, and you know reflecting back, I might have thought about it at the moment, but I didn’t think anything more about it after that. But somebody else made me think about it, it was somebody else’s insecurity permeating into my relationship.
Dr. Jess (08:10):
Yes and sorry, it’s not just an insecurity, it’s a judgment, right? When they’re doing that, and when we go back to this question of an ex, you know an ex isn’t only your ex. They’re a person, like they might be a friend, they might be a member of your community, it might be a colleague. So if they’re important to you before you get married, chances are and hopefully they’ll continue to be important to you after you get married. Like, do we really want a wedding to detract from your other relationships? This really to me is underscored by toxic monogamy. This notion that like, I’ve got this finite amount of love. It’s one particular type of love. One love is more important than another. You know there are plenty of people and people may not like this concept but there are people whose love for their friends is in some ways may be more intense or more fulfilling for them than the love for their partner. There’s nothing in the rule book that says your love for your partner has to be above all else. I mean I’ll admit there is no one else in my life that I love and connect with in the same way as I do with you. But that’s just my story, because I have friends who feel really differently.
Brandon (09:12):
I see people who I feel care more for their friends than they do their partners and as life changes, I wonder how that fluctuates. I feel the same. I mean in a lot of ways. I feel very lucky to have you, I feel like you really are my best friend, you’re my confidante, you’re my partner in every respect and then there’s the sex angle too which I really love right? So getting super awkward here, but all of these things are the best for me. But then I look at other relationships, and I just think to myself, “ok great. So you’re closer with your friends, that’s cool, like whatever works for you.”
Dr. Jess (09:45):
Yeah and you know, opening up on this podcast and talking about our own lives is still a relatively new experience for me right. So I’ve been in this field a long time and for ten years, I didn’t really talk about myself. And then since you started co-hosting the podcast with me, I just feel a little bit more comfortable opening up. But I had this fear that when we opened up about our personal lives, it’s going to be held up to some specific standard. They’re going to be like, “Oh, I want what they have,” or somebody might interpret it as aspirational. And I don’t think it needs to be. I don’t, first of all I love of you. I love life. I love our relationship. But I don’t think everybody wants a relationship like this. And so yeah I never want to share something about our lives like the way you just described, you know being my best friend or me being your best friend, you’re not my best friend. No, I’m just teasing. And somebody would say, “well, I don’t have that.” But you don’t have to have that, because there’s all these different sources in life from which you draw fulfillment and I can even speak to the fact that I don’t feel that fulfilled right now at this moment in my life, because of the pandemic, I feel a little unfulfilled. And it’s it’s not because of you. I’m not going to look to the relationship and say, “oh, there must be a deficit in Brandon or in our connection.” It’s not that, it’s just that honestly I miss my work, I miss my regular work. I miss the adrenaline of almost missing flights, I miss the adrenaline of getting on stage. I miss making people laugh. I miss like messing around, I miss having a glass of wine at the end of the night with strangers and then leaving them in the morning.
Brandon (11:06):
The way you said that. Yeah but no. I get what you’re saying, and you know what even in this context I feel like we’re having a one on one conversation here, but I wouldn’t be upset if you were to say to me right now like, “I’m not feeling 100 percent in this relationship.” I don’t know that I would take it personally because I feel like there are so many elements in our lives right now that make us feel or let me feel less than as great as I felt before. And I’m talking pre pandemic because pre pandemic our lives were just like a lot of fun. We were constantly bouncing around, working a lot, but you work in different locations, and I miss that. So if you were to say that now, I feel at least at this point where I’m not gonna take it personally, where I feel like, “okay, I get that, there are things to analyze here.”
Dr. Jess (11:52):
Well, there’s a piece there too, I don’t think I’m asking you to fulfill all of my needs. I don’t think you necessarily feel the pressure to. I definitely don’t feel the pressure to fulfill all of your needs. Like I’m used to you kind of fending for yourself and we got a little off topic here. But you know when we go to weddings they’re not just about two people. They have a history of representing kind of the union of families and social groups. And this shift toward love marriages is still relatively new, when we consider human history. And so the people that you care about, it makes sense that you want them to be a part of the wedding and if that includes your ex, and they’re a part of your life, I say go for it and I hope you feel supported and it sounds great that your partners also supporting you.
Brandon (12:33):
That’s really, that’s awesome.
Dr. Jess (12:35):
Yes all right. Shall we chat erogenous zones? Tell me, let’s just dive right in with you, what are your erogenous zones? Don’t say your penis.
Brandon (12:41):
That was my only answer. So other than the obvious parts, certainly my nipple.
Dr. Jess (12:50):
It’s only one of them though.
Brandon (12:51):
Yeah, it’s only one. I feel kind of weird by just saying it. So yeah, there’s just one, it’s a mystery nipple. No one gets to know which one, you get a fifty/fifty chance.
Dr. Jess (13:00):
It’s the left one. So tell me what’s the difference between the left and the right?
Brandon (13:07):
I don’t know, there’s just a sensitive, so yes that is definitely, I weird disclosing it here, so yes that is an erogenous zone.
Dr. Jess (13:16):
What do you like done to that erogenous zone?
Brandon (13:18):
Really that’s where we’re going to go here? Licking, sucking, no flicking, not a fan of the flick for most body parts, just a side note. Where else? Erogenous zones, it kind of depends on how I’m feeling while we’re having sex or what we’re doing because there have been times where you know you’ve touched my inner thigh, really feels great and then there have been other times where I haven’t liked it at all. So mine, other than what three or four spots that generally turn me on, there’s the other spots, say whether it’s the back of my arms, my neck, the sensitivity of my skin is kind of really based on how I’m feeling. How about you?
Dr. Jess (13:56):
I think that’s a good point. Yeah so, I just want to back it up before I answer you. So when we say erogenous zones, we’re just referring to areas of the body that you know, we associate with pleasure or sexual excitement or arousal, and the whole body is a big potential with erogenous zones.
Brandon (14:13):
I know where you’re going with this. You’re going to say, “My erogenous zone is my brain.”
Dr. Jess (14:18):
Nope. No, I like having my tummy touched a lot. Yeah like I really like having my stomach touched, my cheeks definitely, my hands. I want to talk about some of erogenous zones that maybe people haven’t explored. So when we talk about erogenous zones, we don’t mean that they’re necessarily a path to orgasm. I am actually, I’m glad I’m talking about this because we will be talking about full body orgasms on our show on Friday night on Intimately You with Dr. Jess. But some of these areas aren’t going to produce orgasm, but if you touch them as you lead up to orgasm, what will happen is you’ll feel a tingle or you’ll feel sensations or you’ll feel contractions or you’ll feel something in that area once you finally reach that peak of arousal. So one area that tends to get ignored is the face, and I thought I’d start with the suprasternal notch. So this is a really highly sensitive area, you don’t apply much pressure here. But this is you know, I said the face but I was lying. It’s a little below the face. One area of the face is the philtre, so the entire face can be super sensitive to touch. And if you’ve ever had an orgasm where your face tingles, I know you know what I’m talking about. But the philtre is derived from the latin word for love potion. And it’s just that sensitive groove right at the centre above the upper lip, so that little kind of groove between the nose and the lips. Now again, are you going to rub your penis on that and have an orgasm? Probably not, but if you just kind of use the backs of your fingernails or kiss around that area, it can be really sensitive. Another spot that people tend to ignore is the suprasternal notch. So this is just below the face on the neck, and it overlies the airway so you have to be really careful with it. So it’s at the centre of the neck just above the collarbone. So if you reach and feel your collarbone, and you know how it kind of connects in the middle, right in the centre there. So if you can kind of just kiss along the collarbone with your lips and your tongue and then maybe breathe gentle warm air over this indentation, it kind of can just arouse their interest. And then working your way down, you can play with the sides of the chest. I think that’s a part you like a little bit right?
Brandon (16:35):
Yeah I do like the sides just underneath my arms, just down and actually you’re talking about the sides. I also like the side of my neck touched because you’re sitting here describing these body parts, I’m just gently touching them start realizing the sensitivity. So anyway, I’m enjoying this podcast so far, so please continue.
Dr. Jess (16:59):
I mean obviously the belly button is one. That’s been kind of long associated with sexuality. It’s kind of our giver of life. It’s rich in nerve endings. It’s been painted as both kind of visually and tactily erotic. Because its exposure has been banned as indecent in dress codes, kind of across the globe as a testament to its taboo sexual associations. And you can kind of just play around the edges of the belly buttons stimulate the shallow part of its groove or you can put a little bit more pressure. You’re making a face.
Brandon (17:26):
No, I’m not a belly button erogenous zone person, but I think it’s more my own insecurity. Like I just associate it with, no honestly, I just associate it with my abdomen, which I don’t love being touched. And I think it’s because I’m always being told “you should have six pack abs” or something like that. And it’s over the years, it just made me feel uncomfortable when somebody touches my stomach.
Dr. Jess (17:48):
But you do have six pack.
Brandon (17:50):
I’ve got a four-pack.
Dr. Jess (17:51):
3 and a half pack. I’ve got a one. Does a belly button count as a pack?
Brandon (17:56):
Yeah yes, it’s one of the six
Dr. Jess (17:59):
I love tummies, like I’ve always loved tummies of all kind shapes and sizes. I like round bellies. I like my belly a lot, like I love my, I’ve a really long belly button.
Brandon (18:09):
Yes you do.
Dr. Jess (18:10):
Fill it with water and put a toy boat in it okay.
Brandon (18:14):
That’s a great example. But yeah no. I think the abdomen for me, is something I need to get comfortable with. So I feel like it would be something I need to allow happen and then really enjoy it rather than fixate on how I’m uncomfortable with it.
Dr. Jess (18:26):
Well I think that’s there’s a couple of points that you’re bringing up here. One is that we have different needs right? So I’m talking about erogenous zones but they’re obviously not universal, right? Not everybody likes the same thing, not everybody likes the same thing on Tuesday that they like on Wednesday. So I love having my abdomen touched, I find it very, very intimate. I hate when you’re out and somebody put their arm around you and touches my abdomen. To me, that feels like such an incredible violation. Yeah like I feel like it’s very very intimate. I only want it touched when I want it touched. You on the other hand, don’t like having it touched. You bring up the fact that some of us avoid pleasure in our bodies because we have so much shame around them. So that’s kind of a whole other conversation about body liberation and finding joy and giving ourselves permission and under the bellybutton of course leads down to the treasure trail which is the path between the bellybutton and the pubic mound. That can be really really sensitive. I actually wish we spent a little more time on that area rather than reaching straight down there.
As you go farther down we of course have the perineum, the gooch, the taint, that showed, this is the space between the scrotum and the anus, or the vulva and the anus, depending on what you got going on down there. And you know, if you have a penis you can actually access the million dollar point, the bulb of the inner penis, through the perineum. So just, I mean you know that because you’re always asking me to press there, so you just reached behind the balls and apply some pressure there. You’re getting the spongy tissue of the inner bulb of penis. So if you look at an image of the full penis, both external and internal, you’ll see that it forms sort of a boomerang shape, boomerangs into the body and about a third of it is actually inside the body. So even if you learn to deep throat or use your whole hands or go all the way in you really only getting around say two thirds of the penis, because the inner penis is being missed. So if you reach right behind the balls and kind of pulse right there or just press and release, or do something nice ovals, or hold some pressure, or take a toy. So my favourite, just any sort of flat vibrating toy behind the balls can feel really good right there, and that’s how you’re getting the inner penis and they do make some rings as well that fit around the penis as well, as against the inner part of the penis. So it goes around the base, as well as vibrating against that million dollar mark. So there’s one called the the Verge by We-Vibe, so it’s like a penis ring that is around the base, it goes right around the balls and it vibrates against the perineum, and you can kinda wear it in multiple positions. Now, I guess these are more obvious erogenous zones, like we also have the pucker, that crinkly, sensitive, outer area of the butthole. So just everything on the outside can feel so good and I want to remind people that you don’t have to go inside to enjoy the butt, so much good stuff happens on the outside too. So you can even like, while you’re having sex or while you’re going down on your partner regardless of genital makeup or gender, you can just gently kind of pulse your finger on the outside of the pucker. I think that’s so incredibly hot.
Brandon (21:39):
I think that Luna talked a lot about that during one of the recent podcasts, and it was really interesting because it was just exploring the outside like using your hand, rubbing your knuckles. And I think it was Carlisle as well, who mentioned just a little bit of lube on your knuckles, and then playing around the butt like the crack, the pucker, everything.
Dr. Jess (21:47):
The knuckles are a great way to start if you’re newer to anal, because a knuckles not going to accidentally poke its way into the anus and start probing like aliens, whereas the fingertips can feel a bit more intimidating. Because you know you have to build that trust. So yes so the butt, we talked a little bit about the nipples. The nipples, you can kinda tease by breathing warm air around the area until they’re kind of begging for you to suck them in, you can slide your lips over the nipple and kind of twirl your tongue all around. You can curl your tongue around the underside of the chest while you kinda run the backs of your hands down the side of the chest. You can just admire them. You can roll their nipples as lightly as possible between your thumb and your index or middle finger. You can vary gently pinch and release, maybe with a little bit a lube. You can play with ice cubes or popsicles and then lick it all off, so many fun things to do with the nipples. And I guess while we’re up there, I should talk a little bit about the nape of the neck and your ear. So there was one study that I found with, I think it had nearly eight hundred participants, and people of all genders basically rate the nape of the neck and the ears as highly erotic with a high ability to facilitate sexual arousal. So do you like your ears like kissed and sucked, I dunno. Remember when you’re young, you’re always sticking your tongue in someone’s ear, do you remember that?
Brandon (23:07):
Yeah, I never really did that. Didn’t have permission from people. I’ve remember sucking my finger and inadvertently or purposefully sticking it in people’s ears but that was not sexual at all.
Dr. Jess (23:18):
A wet willie.
Brandon (23:20):
Yeah pretty much.
Dr. Jess (23:21):
So do you like that, like do you like a tongue in your ear?
Brandon (23:24):
Not really. I think, you don’t do it. I’d be open to it.
Dr. Jess (23:29):
I hate a tongue in my ear.
Brandon (23:30):
I think it just isn’t doesn’t get me going.
Dr. Jess (23:33):
But for a lot of people they like it.
Brandon (23:35):
Of course, I’m not yucking somebody else’s yum, just saying for me. It doesn’t, I haven’t had it yet where it’s been great.
Dr. Jess (23:42):
That makes sense. Interestingly, the feet, we always talk about the feet as erogenous zones, and so despite the fact that the foot is a super popular fetish and most of us many of us like having our feet rubbed, the research actually shows that the feet are not particularly erotic or erogenous. Apparently the feet tie with the kneecaps, in terms of capacity. In terms of being touched, people rate the feet alongside the kneecaps, so not the hottest area. And so as we kind of go through these erogenous zones what you see is that it could be the entire body, like oh the small of the back. The small of the back can be so sensitive, I’ve met so many folks who actually orgasm. I really shouldn’t say so many, like six. No but I’m saying that’s pretty powerful to orgasm from having the small of your back kissed and licked and kind of like sucked on and swirled around. Some people will take a toy with some lube and just kind of go around that area.
Brandon (24:43):
What about the inner thighs?
Dr. Jess (24:45):
Yeah for me. That’s my favourite.
Brandon (24:48):
I love the tease and the playing with the inner thigh for sure. And the other thing that I was just thinking about is doubling up on some of these things. If you’re comfortable and you know what your partner likes. If I know what you like. I’ll start doing two or three these things at the same time. You might not even notice because you’re fixated on one of those three, but there have been circumstances where you’ve done something and you’re doing something else and I’m just, it’s too much. Do you know what I mean? In a good way like, it’s pushing me over.
Dr. Jess (25:15):
Overwhelming. Yeah no, that’s so true that we don’t need to fixate on one thing. The reason I try and share some of the less common ones like the suprasternal notch, philtre, is just to remind people to like explore the entire body. And so in terms of how to touch erogenous zones, there you know, any way that feels natural to you and that you know your partner seems to respond to make sense. But I can share some techniques. First and foremost try touching only with the backs of your hands. If you’re going to explore the entire body try moving slowly with the backs of your fingertips. Now I’m going to say this: slowdown and be gentle. And then there are always going to be people who say “I don’t like it slow. It makes me tired when they’re gentle, it tickles.” That’s perfectly fine. You know your body best, your partner knows their body best, so you just have to communicate right, and talk about what you actually like. Say I like a little bit more pressure. If your partner says that what you’re doing is tickling them, because it’s too gentle, you might wanna try either an alternating technique or a grounding technique. So what I mean by that is, let’s say you are tracing the backs of your hands down the sides of their chest and that feels ticklish. So what you might wanna due to ground, is take your other hand and rub firmly against other body parts. So maybe you place your hand on their chest and kind of hold them so that they feel grounded, and close to, and connected and then see if that sensation doesn’t feel as ticklish.
For some people that will work, for some people it won’t. Another option is to take your hand and rub that area to create some warmth and connection first, so nice and firmly and then you can play with the more gentle touch. So if you do run into the experience that something’s too ticklish, think about alternating between firm and gentle touch and then again, if you just don’t like gentle touch, that’s okay you know. One of my favourite techniques is the breath kiss. And the breath kiss is taken from the Kama Sutra, as a sensual approach to arouse the interest of a woman and prime her for sexual pleasure. However of course, the same principles can be applied regardless of genital configuration and regardless of gender. And breath kisses basically involved licking your lips and breathing kisses over the surface of their skin without letting your lips touch. You’re getting as close as you can, breathing those gentle kisses, but not making physical contact right? So this is really gentle. You’re not blowing out a candle. You’re not blowing on the dice for good luck. It is like just this gentle, purposeful, slow exhale and you can do it over the entire body from head to toe over the collarbone, over their shoulder blades, down their sides, as you said their inner thighs, right before oral. If you can just give some breath kisses to the thighs, the inner thighs, maybe their treasure trail, just to build anticipation right? So I’ve talked about this many times, of course dopamine levels are higher when we’re anticipating pleasure, than when you’re actually receiving it, they double when that pleasure becomes unpredictable. So you can try breath kisses, you can also try the reverse trace. So this is where you trace your fingers or the top of your hands across the body slowly, and maybe you know you work down the back or something like that and then after that gentle touch you’re going to go up in the other direction with kind of a firmer touch with your entire palm. Or you can do the wet trace. So the wet trace or the liquid trace is my favourite technique. So this is where you either use your tongue or a finger covered in lube to create a wet path. So I’m doing it to my hand right now and it feels so sensual. So you create a path and then you open your mouth and you breathe warm gentle air over that wet path you’ve created. So imagine this on the inner thighs, over the collarbone, down the sides of the chest, over their shoulders, over their shoulder blades. And so you can use a finger that’s lube-y, or you can use some oil, and that’ll create a nice wet path. Or you can just use your tongue and it could be a single path. It could be multiple paths, with multiple fingers. It could be an S shape. It could be a figure eight, but the idea is, you create something wet and then you use more breath. And then if you wanna play with temperature play, you can purse your lips to also go over it with cooler air, because if you open your mouth wide you’re going to get warmer air, and if you purse your lips you’re gonna get cooler air.
Brandon (29:52):
I feel like that could be a very effective technique. For me, if you’re already worked up when the skin is even more sensitive then you do that and that tracing, the idea that if something’s really, if you enjoy it on the way down, the anticipatory feeling of knowing that it’s coming back right? Really, a lot of fun.
Dr. Jess (30:09):
I love it. I love it. We actually have a ton more techniques in in our book in “The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay” so we do recommend people check that out. It’s back stock in the big box stores. But Marla, my writing partner is also selling it on her site http://www.velvetlipssexed.com and in Canada, you can get it at http://www.goodforher.com. But you know we go through all these different techniques in detail, maybe I’ll share couple more. I like the figure eights technique, where you just tend to take the palms of your hands in sweeping figure eight patterns across the body and you don’t avoid their hot spots but you also don’t spend any extra time on them. I also like the two handed hearts. So you’re sort of just using your palms or your fingers in a heart shape to glide along their body. I like the hard soft stroke, where you kind of use your knuckles to pull in one direction and then kind of a barely there palm in the other direction. And I think maybe we’ll stop there.
Brandon (31:06):
I kind of feel like that’s a whole lot of techniques. Not to mention your video courses, your books. Everything has all of these, if people like visual or
Dr. Jess (31:15):
I should mention that, yeah I have a couple of video courses available at http://www.happiercouples.com on oral sex and a whole bunch of different techniques, where I walk you through them, and the models demonstrate, so you can also check those out. They’re called Mind-Blowing Oral, we’ve got the clitoral edition and Mind-Blowing Pleasure: Penis Edition. So yeah I hope that you know, this conversation encourages you to take a bit more time with the body tonight or tomorrow or whenever you get to it, whether it’s with a partner or even by yourself. I think there’s so much power in discovering your erogenous zones when you’re on your own. For example, because that left nipple of yours is so sensitive, how did you discover it, because you couldn’t suck it yourself.
Brandon (31:57):
Believe me I wish I could’ve. I found out it was just during sex. I realized that feels really good, all the time, every time. So it’s just to go to.
Dr. Jess (32:12):
Did you tell someone to suck it or did they just, I just can’t remember even if you told me or if I did it, it’s been so many years.
Brandon (32:17):
I don’t know it was just, “this works, don’t stop.” The other techniques and the other areas, I think my problem is that I just don’t take enough time. I think that if you really set aside the time or have the time, if you’re one of those people who just are great at finding the time to really focus and you can explore and have fun, whether it’s with your hand or with different techniques or with these toys. But I feel for me, it’s just been so rushed that I’d like to take some time. Just slow it down.
Dr. Jess (32:44):
Yeah we should really do it. We definitely haven’t prioritized. I would say we haven’t prioritized this over the last year, like the discovering. Just kind of do what works. Because I don’t know we’re tired and just want to get off. I can tell you that I really like the the small of my back plate with like, when I’m really, really, aroused, so again, when we talk about erogenous zones, it’s not touch me here and I’ll have an orgasm. It’s just that my orgasm will be more spread across my body and more intense if you touch these areas. So the small of my back, when you touch my face, like my face really tingles during sex. One thing we didn’t talk about is you know when you’re touching these body parts, do you look them in the eye right, or do you blindfold them? Because for me, there’s a real intensity when we look each other in the eye. Sometimes honestly it feels like too much. I feel overwhelmed. I feel a bit submissive. And I just want to close my eyes. I don’t know if you noticed that.
Brandon (33:38):
Yeah, just thinking about it now. Yeah I do notice that you have an, there’s an intensity. When I look at you in your eyes.
Dr. Jess (33:45):
Yeah like just thinking about it is a little unsettling, in a good way. So all right, thanks for sharing about your nipple.
Brandon (33:53):
I don’t know if I had the option to share, was kind of thrown in the hot seat. Nut you know I’m always happy to share.
Dr. Jess (33:59):
Your game, you’re game for sure. Folks, hope you take some time to explore, discover your own erogenous zones, maybe avoid your erogenous zones. You know, if somebody loves something you can build that anticipation and desire by ignoring that area for a little bit and playing games with it. You could be playing with power even, but I’ll leave you to it. So hope you take some time to explore your body or explore your partner’s body today, and this upcoming weekend. I wanna give a big thank you to Ioba Toys, http://www.iobatoys.com, again, you can check them out. They’re really, really, cool. OhMyG, they also have a new toy called OhMyC. But I’m waiting to get it and try it before I talk about it. And you can use code DRJESS to save thirty percent today. It’ll be in the show notes and linked on my instagram as well, and please do check out this new program with TSC CityTV, Friday nights at midnight. I am so excited to be hosting this program. So excited that Luna Matatas is going to be our very first guest, and I think people will be pleasantly surprised by some of the toys we’ll be featuring as well as the topics we’ll be covering. So thanks so much folks, wherever you’re at, have a great one.
(35:11):
You’re listening to the sex with Dr. jazz podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.
