March 19, 2021
Fetishes, Butt Play & Does Size Matter?
The brilliant Luna Matatas joins us to answer your sex and pleasure questions including:
- How do you stimulate the prostate?
- What are the best anal toys for beginners?
- What are lactation fetishes?
- Does size matter?
- How do I get over body image issues before I go to a play party?
- How can I bring up fetishes to a partner?
- How can we normalize anal play and pegging?
- How can I pleasure my partner externally?
Please see here for a rough version of this transcript.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Fetishes, Butt Play & Does Size Matter?
00:00:05 – 00:05:01
You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with dr. Just podcast i’m your co host brandon. Wear here with my lovely other. Half dr jess hello brandon. Whoa hello there. I’m why did you say like. I don’t know i like. I like saying your name brandon brandon. Because i don’t really call you britain in real life you do not call you. Hey you know. And i respond. I call you babe. Yaeko call you babe to let’s it. It’s easy so we never forget each other’s names we never screwed up. Oh i’m gonna mood today. I’m so excited because one of my best. Tease is about to join us in just a minute. She’s the best in the business. She is funny and punny and creative and empathetic and full of the best sex ed info. We are talking about sex and pleasure educator luna matas who teaches people how to build better relationships to their bodies helps people to practice empathy with their partners in terms of insecurities needs and really encourages people to get curious about all things erotic and all of her work is trauma and equity informed. She talks about pleasure. Topics like anal play and feminine dominance and threesomes and unicorns and she hosts a podcast. Herself called the plug. And we’re going to be chatting with luna about body image and pegging and normalizing anal play. And i we have a question about a small penis some fetishes and more so before luna joins us. It is great. I mean she’s just fantastic confer excited to. I know i love chatting with her. And i chat with almost every day offline now. I guess it’s online technically. Everything’s online now. But i wanted to just draw attention to the fact that my friends at womanizer are having a sale right now. I just noticed on the starlet and pro and if you’re not familiar with womanizer toys who they are among my personal favourite they are. This is a brand that is really an industry disrupter in that they patented created brand new technology a few years ago that never existed in sex toys before they hit the scene and they call it. Pleasure air so pleasure. Air technologies technology is one of the most direct paths to orgasms for so many people who have clitorises and i would describe this. Sensations as sort of a cross between pulsing inviting and sucking and kissing. And it’s all around the sensitive head of the clitoris. So it’s kind of a tiny little opening that fits around the head of your quit. And it uses these indirect tiny changes in air pressure to create this super unique sensation. And you will see them. Described as section toys. But they’re really not just that they’re much much more than that. And as i said the womanizer starlet which one of their models and the womaniser pro are currently discounted on their website at womanizer. Dot com so encouraged people to check them out and please use code. Dr jess d. r. j. e. s. s. as always to save a couple of extra dollars also to let them know that you heard about it. Here now let’s get to the star of the show luna matas fuelling luna needs intro. Well you do the intro kits that Remember the boxing announcers. I remember you remember. I used to watch television. Ladies and gentlemen how non binary folks those of all genders welcome to the podcast this luna berta Thank you so for joining us luna has going today l. It’s going really really good. We talk all the time you and i about our our shared struggles. People may not know that luna and i are twinsies. Yeah yeah except on raisins. We’d we don’t agree about raisins while that’s because luna has terrible taste and raisins in her cookies and cakes. Judgement is something. We can all work on a dried fruit aficionado. I appreciate that as somebody who enjoys many. A dried fruit. Mango is my jam fact. Oatmeal raisin cookies suck okay. I’m more for me. I’m not supposed to. Yuck anybody’s yom. But i just. I don’t understand when the reasons are in the cookies.
00:05:01 – 00:10:10
And when raisins are in kerr cake. That just infuriates me. I appreciate this passionate around raising hatred. Like it’s good to see you come alive for my fortieth birthday a few years back. I got a wonderful gift from my mother-in-law which was a massive tray of dried fruit. It was amazing. It was an awesome birthday present. You a lot of dried fruit. My grandma it’s gotta be. It’s gotta be tropical dried fruits though. That’s my jam okay. Enough enough dried fruit. Talk right. I bet you luna likes dried mangos favorite and dry papaya super good. Do you call it. Papaya in god. Or do we call it papa. No papaya papa. Papa papa and you put your finger at all right. We have a ton of questions for you. Are you willing to help us out with these. I’m so ready okay. So this first one ties into your podcast. The plug along with be vibe which you’ll be sharing some information about but i’m gonna read it to you and i really appreciate some of the ways. People are really thoughtful in the way they send in these questions. So this person says my partner who goes by he him of seven years and i are both in a monogamous relationship and we’re pretty open sexually intimately we have explored prostate play with strap ons plugs fingers etc. He identifies as straight identify. His pants sexual. I absolutely love pleasure in him and it gives me pleasure satisfying his sexual and intimate needs. I consider myself an open minded person. However because i tend to have black and white thinking that gets in the way of my rational and emotional mind which i feel like our society has formed us to feel shame when it comes to straight men and anal pleasure. How do we normalize strap on taboo play in today’s very hetero. Normative centered society. I mean this is what you do for a living luna. Oh yes yes. I love this question. I love it. It’s so juicy and not in a dried fruit kind of way. Like i think that that this is something that so many people deal with whether you’re a giver receiver of ainhoa pleasure to someone who’s gender and heterosexual and a man and it’s all wrapped up in in so many different narratives that we have around. What a particular sexual activity means or what it’s like it says about you and i think the reality is in a very simple way that we all have venus and most of us and we we can all experience pleasure ainley and some of us are just not into it in the same way. Some people like raisins and some people don’t like and it doesn’t make you a horrible person. If you like racing. And i think in terms of like normalising it. I think there’s something that that we can do inside of ourselves and really just challenging like where does this insecurity come from. Whose voice is insecurity representing. Where did i learn this. What evidence do i have contrary to this. So i’ve experienced pleasure. I like this thing and for a lot of men a lot of men. I think there is an opportunity also to investigate their ideas around masculinity and so anything that kind of veers out of his head hetero normative type of sex. It really challenges our sense of masculinity whether we embody that or retracted to that. And i think that’s where a lot of people really get stuck. They start to feel that they’re going to be judged that they’re judging themselves that they’re not going to be as sexy or attractive or virile kind of feeling to their partner. Do you do you run into this kind of acknowledging and shaking my head and agreeing with a lot of what you’re saying because i would definitely say that i fall in check a lot of those boxes. It’s you know how i identify. And the idea of anal play and prostate play. I know is can be very very pleasurable. But i’ve been uncomfortable starting like it’s taken me years to get where i am now. Which is like okay. I’m receptive i’m open to this. I’m willing to do it but it’s taken me a long time to get to here and now that i’m here. I’m not really sure how to go about it in its entirety to understand whether or not i’d like it so i mean i like the idea right off the top of my head of. I don’t know that i’m comfortable. Somebody just i’m gonna start penetrating u. And this is what we’re going to do. It’s like okay start slow. I’ve learned from some people that we’ve had on the podcast and a lot of others that you know we start slow and the idea of of like even using a toyed pushes a up against the outside that vibrates rate because there are other insecurities to where it’s it’s like you know what if we do this and there is poop right or if we do this and i’m not okay with it or you like how do you stop.
00:10:10 – 00:15:09
How do you start. What’s okay. And then i think at the end of the day something that somebody said to me years ago was like before you do it to somebody else. You should do it to yourself. I said just said you so thank you. I appreciate that. But i am. I have again open. Book brendan started to kind of just explore shower. Something as simple as it’s like okay. Well i’m washing their every day. It may not be super arousing the environment but it’s like can you just touching exploring kind of feel a little bit and see like what does it feel like You know if you master. If i masturbate. Can i masturbate and play down there as well see how that feels you know what i mean because at first step this. I’m uncomfortable talking about this but is just because i’m being very open to thousands and thousands of people here but it’s the idea that jay what’s up but is the idea that you’re you’re doing something that i’m doing something that i was told growing up that you didn’t do right so i’ve learned. No no no. This is a great place to enjoy a lot of pleasure. But you know where. I’m at now is i’m like okay so you know the next step. I’m taking small baby steps. But i’m just reflecting back on how you know. How do you get started right. If you’re if you’re comfortable taking down all of these preconceived ideas of what it is. Yeah and this is something that you explore. Really in detail on your podcast. So the podcast is called the plug. It’s powered by be vibe. And i think in the earlier episodes you talk about some of these things right. Yeah i loved when you came on her episode. Our premiere episode. And you were talking about poop and pain and and and i loved the way that you presented. What’s the worst case scenario. That if penetration doesn’t happen if there’s poop if there’s you know is your partner going to leave you are they just gonna be like shit on my ideal dough and now we’re over you know that’s a pretty fragile relationship and i think we also go into really some of these these nuances about our feels about this kind of stuff. And i love hearing from from you brandon. The that this is even to talk about it until you know your your mother-in-law and like my mom this feel about it that is even associated with touching your own but and i think my experience with a lot of men that have wanted to be pegged have never touched their own. But and and there’s something even you know this this idea of even owning that pleasure for themselves. They feel that either. That’s going to say something about themselves. Even if no one would know about it. Nobody’s gonna know and they’re still really uncomfortable with with touching their own anus. And i love the idea of having play that’s external so remain or putting vibrate against the butthole or just massage massaging the crack. Teach really good crack massage and being able to just go with the flow sensations. I think it’s really tough under toxic masculinity for men to center penises and to not be all about that you know. The penis is due in the penetrating. The peanuts is doing the thing. The peanuts is doing everything when men’s bodies just like everybody else’s bodies have tons of erogenous zones and times of different arousal responses and lots of different ways to get turned on and getting started with but play can sometimes mean that the erection isn’t there that you’re really focusing on just like feeling out. What are these anal nerve endings. What kind of pleasure is that giving me What is this like. What are my fantasies around this. How do i wanna feel when this is happening if somebody else is doing it. And that can be overwhelming. It can also be kind of focused on intellectual exploration of the anus. It can also feel like well. I’m not sure if i like this yet. And i think validating your partner that all those feelings are okay wherever you get to with. That’s totally fine. It doesn’t have to be like porn where you know. The pizza guy comes over and tags. You i don’t know was that that’s something that happens. Important against the pizza cold all the time. It makes me really mad that the pizza just sits there like. Don’t you want to eat the pizza. I for me. If i had a prostate. I would just sit there. Eating the pizza and someone can deal with my prostate him. Well i’m eating the pizza. There’s probably a term for that. Never have i seen somebody. Get like legitimately upset watching porn. Because she’s like the food is getting cold going on other people are like. This isn’t realistic. For you. know this just reinforces these sexist gender roles. I’m like the cold. This makes so much sense to me but a lot of a lot of what is saying i mean i i i totally hear and i love how you talk about anal play about the but about all of this because it just when i’ve watched you present in your classes it’s so fun.
00:15:09 – 00:20:03
You’re an incredible presenter. And the information just it becomes a conversation. It’s just so. I immediately feel more comfortable more. Open listening absorbing learning from you so anybody that’s interested. I would certainly encourage you to go to luna site linen. Tatas dot com and by video or two or three because they will definitely make you much more comfortable but again from my own experience. I just found it really helpful to just start by playing on my own. Because i think what the two of you are saying is even if you’re not even if you’re unsure how to get into it initially how do you even start the conversation with somebody so i found that if i was able to just explore on my own i. It’s i’ve immediately already know. Okay kind of like this. Maybe this does warrant a conversation with my partner as opposed to one day over dinner. I just drop it. And then my partner is totally caught off guard and You isn’t really sure how to respond whereas in this case you’ve already done it. Kim can we go back to the crack massage. Can you give us some techniques for that crack massage please. Yes yes so. One of my favorites is Praying to the crack. So you’re gonna put your hands and like a little prayer position and you’re going to make sure there’s some lube on the nice edges of your hand and then you’re just going to rub the your hands close together up and down the crack and you can slide them up and down or you can roll them up and down. And what’s this doing. What this is doing is getting the the knuckle part and the softer fleshier parts of of the side of your hand it’s allowing it to stimulate the butthole as well as the the nerve endings that are leading to your lower back and so just relaxing and your fist isn’t gonna fall into somebody’s asshole so there’s you know take no worry about penetrations. The person receiving gets to feel all of this delicious kind of massage on their these sensitive nerve endings without worrying that. Okay well in two minutes. Maybe i’m going to have to try and take it or maybe they’re gonna put something in me and it just allows the nervous system to just relax into sensation instead of expectation of what’s coming next great and what about for prostate massage. So let’s say you’ve already played with yourself in the shower. You kind of know what it feels like. You’ve got to know your butthole. I actually should remind people as well that we have a whole podcast on anal. Play that. I suggest you go back and listen to because we talk about you know how to get to know the sprinters and all of those different sensations. Let’s say you’re there and you’re ready to explore the prostate for the first time How would you suggest people massage that prostate area. So i i’m such a big fan of of prostate massage and prostate massage education and anal education in general. Because i think that so much of what we’ve seen important around. Prostate really focused on aggressive internal prostate stimulation leading to prostate milking so a bigger ejaculation. And for some people prostate pleasure feels just relaxing or it amplifies other sensations. It doesn’t have to lead to do. It doesn’t have to lead to milking so you can stimulate the prostate externally through the pair. Neom some people call it the taint. I like the nacho. Because it’s nacho dick and not to ask that you get the chance to to stimulate the prostate in externally gently and so this can be done by just taking to knuckles and rubbing them up and down the prostate putting pressure towards the front of the body. So you’re up if someone’s lying on their back and you’re massaging with your knuckles and so you’re just stimulating the the beautiful nerve endings in the pair neom but also giving some internal pressure where the prostate might be and then when you’re ready to go inside of of the butthole to actually do some internal prostate stimulation. You wanna make sure that your fingers are curved towards the front of the body then so the prostate lakes mild stimulation but for stimulation so it has to be consistent. It has to be firm. And so sometimes i see there’s lots of different techniques windshield wipers. And like you know moving around and those might work for for your body taking your fingers and exploring in circles or Exploring side to side or up and down but give the person a little bit of an opportunity to sink into the sensation and ask them. Hey how does this feel is at the spot like what are you. What are you experiencing right now. Do you want more of this. Do you want faster. Di wants lower because the feedback from the person is really what guides me into what to do next. It’s their body. they’re really getting into the sensation and if something’s uncomfortable i want them to tell me. Yeah i don’t like that you can also try just having your fingers in there and once you’ve found the prostate which is usually only about an inch or an inch and a half in and it’s only about an inch wide and it.
00:20:03 – 00:25:02
It does feel a little bit different than the rest of the muscle kind of anal tissue in the ass. But you could also offer your partner of the chance to drive. Let them take control and kind of wiggle their bomb around on your fingers until they find a spot that feels good and then you can try windshield wipers or stroking or come hither emotions. I love that putting the person whose body is being penetrated in the driver’s seat. It’s the same thing for the g spot right. How do you find people say. Well how do i find it in what position. I’m like let them sit there and move around. They know their body right. So one toy brandon has played with a little bit and we won’t get into his report right now. But that is the vector by we’ve i which vibrates against the prostate and along the peronism. But you have a series of toys from be vibe that you’re very very familiar with. Can you tell us what a great starter toy is for. Not just for the but that specifically for the prostate. Yeah absolutely. I do think i think we’ve is is is a great toy to. I think it’s got lots of. It’s kind of shaped in the way of like a thumb and so the padded part of the toys pushing up against the prostate. Some people need more of a curvature and so we’ve had has this great anal massage education kid and it can be used actually on anybody’s body and so what it is a one style vibrators a very powerful very rumbling and then it has an attachment on the head that has this curved and waited type of arm and so you get this curvature with the benefit of gravity from the weight inside and then you get the vibration from the wand. You can also use that on g-spot so it’s actually really good. It’s a good toy for anybody’s body. So that is the anal training kit and education said and that is at beaver. Five dot com be like brandon. Because i know we’re talking about two companies to fabulous companies that sound very similar. Because i had mentioned. We’ve i but you’re talking about the be as brandon be vibe anal training kit and education said and i’m wondering the luna do really love this set or do you really just like it because there’s a unicorn on the on the box why didn’t know me so well. I said to someone yesterday. I was like yeah. I think the you know the name of my autobiography is going to be dildos and unicorns. She doesn’t like what’s inside of it. But i feel like you bought it for the box. Really did i really did. We have a bunch of other questions. Any last thoughts on prostate play. We move onto lactation. Fetishes ye-ye-yeah i think the the one big takeaway that. I think sometimes people miss around prostate. Pleasure is that you can go super slow like this doesn’t have to be like a get it in get going kind of experience. I think these sensations are often new and really intense and the can feel they can be putting pressure around the nerve endings and all of our anatomy. That’s connected to our bladder and so it might at first really confuse your sense of self or your sense of your body and it’s only takes some time to adjust to those sensations so if you try it once and you don’t like it i mean go slow and try again and make sure that you’re using a shit ton of good lube. Spit is cute. It is not loop so we really need a good water-based lube or silicone lou. Whatever you’re comfortable with and allowing that to be reapplied at if you’re doing any kind of penetration i think. Sometimes we put it on at first and then we forget that we need to to add it in as we’re thrusting love it keep it handy all right so i have a very general question all they wrote to me was. Can you talk about lactation. Fetishes and i thought well who better than luna matas to tell us what lactation fetish is what it’s not and how can you can start exploring if this is something that interests you ya lactation. I think are One of the the kind of fetishes. That aren’t and known about as much but that people might be engaging in parts of it that that are exciting for them so we can relate to it in in some ways so lactation fetish usually refers to someone who might have an interest in breast milk so they might think that breast milk is erotic. They might feel that it’s a body fluid and that’s why it’s sexy. It’s more view gets take more of you. It might be connected to fetishes or interest or sexualization around pregnancy and so the changes that that bodies make and it also could be connected to feelings of of nursing and so it could. There could be no milk. President no breast milk president. But there is this soothing or nurturing or adoring type of feeling that can come from mimicking breastfeeding. I think that a lot of people Anytime they hear something that is not necessarily overtly erotic which is the case for all fetishes fetishes are erotic sizing things that aren’t normally sexualize and so something like pregnancy or lactation or breastfeeding is not normally something that we sexualize but in an erotic context.
00:25:02 – 00:30:03
We’re taking an activity that isn’t iran is and then we’re putting it all in with all of these sexy feelings around it so with adult nursing. You might find that. There is a power dynamics. So you’ve got kind of the mommy and you’ve got someone role playing more vulnerable role and so might feel really good to feel helpless or cared for or soothed in in the case of actually drinking breast milk with someone who is lactating that can also feel like there’s a really joy experiencing these changes in someone’s body you’re taking in more of their fluids there are also people who like it from a a role play perspective of kind of bringing in the primacy of lactation and so reducing it to this sort of like or play or role. Play type of thing where someone gets to be a cow when we get to role play others and milk machines and all those different types of ives. So if somebody wants to explore this or bring it up with a partner. I can imagine that it can feel very intimidating. Just because we live in this super erotic phobic world in which there is so much judgment against reasons and other things. And i’m glad that i’m serving my judgment only for reasons. I’m not gonna judge anybody says i actually you’re going to get a lot of like raisin fetishes like coming to your definitely someone that’s for sure i mean all the different explanations or sources of these lactation fetishes makes so much sense to me like that appeal of being cared for that is a natural desire but people get their backup when they’re as you said when we’re fetish rising something that isn’t traditionally seen as roddick. So how do you bring this up with a partner. I think that’s so true. I think there’s a lot of judgement. There’s a lot of like your deviant. You’re messed up like dirty like why do you want this And really i think if someone brings us if my partner said to me. Hey i’m interested in the lactation fetish. I might say. Oh like tell me more and let me understand like let me get curious about this with no obligation. I haven’t said like yes. Let’s do this and for the person who’s talking about their fantasy. I think it’s so interesting when someone talks about how they wanna feel in their fantasy so much more relatable to me than all the things that you want to do because we’ve just talked about like six seven different ways that you can experience lactation fantasy so if i immediately think oh this is about them wanting to turn me into a cow cow role play. I’m not into that but really it’s more about what you said like this adoration this nurturance. This like being cared for then. I want to hear that from them. I want to hear them say. Oh well i’m interested in it. Because i think it would be really relaxing it. I feel like i’d be close to you and feel cared for you. It’s really a vibe of maybe. It’s a maternal vibe. Maybe it’s just an authority vibe. Maybe it’s a parental vibe. And and that gives them a chance to offer something to their partner with more pieces for their partner to potentially connect you and so if they’re partners like you know i’m not into the lactation thing but i love this idea of you feeling more cared for like i would love to feel in this role of. I’m caring for you. Then maybe you come up with another fantasy together. I appreciate that so much getting back to feelings because every human is ultimately an emotional one and we don’t always eat a full explanation. I think sometimes people want to know. Well why why would they want to dress up like a cow and they want to psychoanalyze and they want to go back to early childhood experiences. But we don’t always know the why right so you can come up with theories and even in the psychological community these theories are so limited and so flawed and so biased for some of us. It’s just it’s an excitement. I don’t know why i’m excited by certain things. You know something that. I really really really enjoy And not in a way that. It’s gonna give me like an orgasm. But i just really really like plucking hair like a good pluck. Gets me excited. I haven’t spent a ton of time figuring out why that is like when i was in grade four or five member pulling out a bunch of hair on my head because i was so fascinated to look at the root and pulled out so many hairs that i became got bald spot and like went to the chinese store and got me. This like tonic for it. It is a long story story. And i remember not really carrying that much because it was like. Oh it’ll grow back on the kid but then the older kids made fun of me for it. Because i sat down at the piano and got smaller at small but they saw the bald spot and they made fun of it. And so i’m thinking about how i love to pluck a hair and i could maybe go back to that experience in the trauma like being made fun of and associated with like a reclaiming but honestly i don’t care like i’ve never i just brought that now but it’s not a reflection i’ve ever made so i like this thing. I’m not super worried about why i like it. I think another really important piece. That comes from what luna just said. Is that the first thing you came up with was curiosity right. Like oh tell me more about that. And i think that’s so important that partners don’t have to want the same things you can always say. Yes you can always say no you can always say maybe but my fear is when that no is a no way.
00:30:03 – 00:35:08
No how end of conversation. So if i’m not into something. I can say who. I don’t think i’m ready for that. Let’s talk about it. Let me learn more. But if i say no that’s gross raisins grow and of conversation. That’s when we run into an impasse. So i would love for every no to be a start of a conversation for me to say well. You know that doesn’t really appeal to me but let me talk about why. Let me ask more questions. Let me talk about my vulnerabilities. Let’s talk about what i’m afraid of. Let’s talk about what holds me back. Let’s talk about my shame and then the no isn’t the end of the conversation. It’s a start of one. And i think that’s what you’re so good good at doing around this huge range of topics. So thank you. Thank you for answering that question. And hopefully that helps the person who sent it in because it was a pretty broad question. Do you have time for a couple of more. Yeah okay so this one comes up often in its around small penises so this person rates and a lot of emails like this. I have a very small penis. It stands erected almost four. it makes self conscious. I’ve never had a problem making a partner orgasm. But can you please talk about small penises visit because it sounds like bigger is always better and mine is the size of a pinkie finger. Yeah i’m so glad. This person asked this question. Because i think it’s one that i receive often too and there is so much of these narratives that bigger is better for everyone and that’s not necessarily true and it actually acts more as like a a symbolism and so we can blame patriarchy here because you know patriarchy setup all of these standards that are supposed to be about. This is better. this is more masculine. This is more powerful. This is more how you get the sex and We all know that that’s not true and also porn has done us Not necessarily point. But i think the fact that we don’t have good sex education and then porn shows us this like sensationalized view of what sex is supposed to look like important is entertainment and so of course. Everything’s going to be bigger. Of course everything’s going to be more dramatic and we start to associate porn with like the type of sex that we should be having versus like. Let’s get inspired and mused and delighted by whatever porn is exciting us about. I think that Also it goes back to even our conversation around pecking that there. Is this expectation that all of anybody with a penis at all of their six dollars is like channeled through the everything they have to offer all the orgasms all the pleasure all the arousal all desires supposed to come through the penis and this sets up a whole bunch of other problems. I mean. sex doesn’t have to end when penises and sex doesn’t have to be centered around penetration and so This question really opens up so much about how we talk about sexuality for penises and and what that means now there are people who might enjoy a bigger peanuts enjoy. You know bigger bodies. They might enjoy cute ears. Like i mean it’s just like anything else people might have preferences and if you have a preference around in particular body part especially appeanas. I would ask yourself like interrogate that preference because a your preference or have you just internalized. A lot of the misogyny and patriarchy. That’s out there that told you that you should want this and for someone that’s struggling with. It sounds like this person’s having really good sex and that sex isn’t just about bringing your penis to the table. i mean. I’ve said that on tinder so many times which is probably why i’m from and if that’s your only offering that’s not that’s not special you know get get some skills that some other things and really start to explore what you have to offer your partner beyond peanuts penetration much about you don’t penis and what it means and how people like you said it’s always everyone always says bigger is better and there’s this ongoing joke when you think about sex and i think about our sex life i feel that there’s so much buildup that doesn’t have to do with penetration like i feel as though if you’re if if i if i or this person was concerned about having a small penis it’s like there’s so much else you could do to your partner without penetrating that you could explore You know like take fifteen. Twenty thirty forty minutes and lead up to sex. Build your partner up. Like massaging touching talking. Then once you get to penetration if you choose to do it. It’s like just i don’t wanna say an afterthought but it’s just something i do. Treat it like an after when you do. I mean just ice was around like i feel. I know what you know what you need. And sometimes i’m i’m just here. She’s and it’s always like i’m good now. I’m still here. i’m still here my lightsaber penis. Keep all my sexual energy just pictured i pictured as you were describing it luna like somebody with their peanuts like a big lightsaber from star wars. Or something like that. And when i think about penis size being tied to cultural expectations as opposed to physiological actual benefit.
00:35:08 – 00:40:09
I i really think about folks for example with vaginas who are like i. I need a huge penis. Okay that’s fine maybe you have a longer vagina but that sounds insulting when somebody hears this. So we’ve got these two sides of the equation. Vaginas tiny and neat and tight and penises are supposed to be massive and thinking that is just a recipe for disaster in most cases. Unless you like that kind of pain. So i think we need to be more mindful of how we talk about penises and i know i. I don’t think i joke about penis size. But sometimes i’ll be like oh a venus and i. I shouldn’t speak that way. Because i do like a penis. I think sometimes when i ever have joked about like another penis. It’s because of all the harassment around penises. It’s because of all the unsolicited dick pic. So it’s not that. I think penises are grocer. That i dislike penises. But sometimes the people attach those penises act like douches and that turns me off of the penis whereas if you’re just nice and polite and kind i’m more likely to like your pinas. Let me be clear. I don’t wanna see your penis just because you’re a nice person but you don’t so a whole bunch of expanding pleased if you are gonna send dick pic sprint. And would you be willing to receive the brochure cinema over to me. Send them to send them to brandon verity brandon brandon. And i will be sure to comment back on your dick pic on. Anyone feels the right to send unsolicited depicts brands. Always like might be mind blown because it’s patriarchy and it’s entitlement luna. You’re just you’re brilliant. You know. I think you’re the most brilliant the most money before i let you go. I wanted to just share this quick question with you from somebody who wants to sex club but they are very petite and very self conscious about how other people will perceive their small breasts. They’re nervous that they will attend an event and not look feminine enough to other people in order to be attractive. So person is saying when things go back to normal and sex clubs are open again is the so normal concern for someone’s first time and can you provide any tips on how to build my confidence about my body before i go. Thank you so much for sending. This question I i relate to this question. Because i think sometimes i to sex clubs or sex places and i’m like oh i’m too big for this place. I’m to this for this. I’m too old. I’m too whatever and and i think this really goes to speak again to this. This idea that there’s only a certain set of characteristics that are sexy and that that that set of characteristics. It’s so narrow like pretty much. Jaylo fits into it in like nobody. She’s too old and so he’s not aging people. By the way. I meant more than the world says that we’re not spire who will never be because we are the exact same age. Yes this is exactly. Yeah we’re on the team. I think the problem with sex clubs to you. Is that all through websites. Look like just people who are fitting this like narrow standard of attractiveness and so there’s only thin people there’s only white people there’s only young people usually pictured on the site and so when you’re starting to explore for the first time you’re like oh my god. Are these the only people who go to the club. That’s actually not true. I think i’ve been to lots of sex clubs. And there’s such a diversity of bodies there and what’s awesome about it and what’s the sexiest thing is the people who are really feeling themselves like they are like i feel good tonight and not in a way. That is cocky org arrogant like they’re competing with other people. They just feel like they belong in that space they feel like they belong in the sexiness. They brought to that space. And so what i would suggest. Is you get into that head space before you go to the club so if you wanna dance in front of the mirror you gotta put on your sex jam. You gotta put on pasties or lingerie or whatever you want. Whatever makes you feel sexy then going to translate to other people men especially the people who are gonna appreciate your body and your sexiness. It’s so unfortunate that we have really put in. And i think this does happen in insects clubs as well. We’ve really put so much emphasis on physicality when it comes to sex and what smells good. What tastes good. What you know like looks good. What all these kinds of all of our other senses are also involved in attraction and or erotic imagination and the way that we vibe with someone and someone’s flirting is making eye contact and there really. Is this unfair association with like physical attractiveness according to conventional beauty standards and like sexual satisfaction. And that’s not true because actually people who are sexually confident in a way that is about letting go of self judgment of criticism. They have more sexual satisfaction. They have more fun because they’re more playful they’re more relaxed and they’re also more empathetic about other people’s bodies so they’re creating connections that are better and resulting in hotter sex.
00:40:10 – 00:45:00
You said it. And i. I remember told people this. Before that the first time i went to desire resort and spa i remember being younger and thinner and more conventionally attractive but you know twenty years younger at least than most people there and i remember looking at these women and thinking what i want what they have rightly they were just walking around with this confidence and remember from that day forward deciding. That’s how i’m gonna live like and it was. It was really revolutionary. And that’s that’s a criticism that i’ve shared constructive criticism with desire resorts in the past. That everyone in their brochures. Everyone on their instagram. Look the same and people will message me. And say am i gonna fit in. I don’t look like that. And i’m like that’s either the staff or paid models and it is difficult to get through to brands and folks know that i’m a i’m a big fan of the experience desire but that doesn’t mean that it’s perfect. I really wish that you know. Their marketing would reflect the people who actually want to go there and that doesn’t mean that those people don’t invest in their aesthetics. Right lots of people want to get dressed up or put on heels or do their hair or do whatever it is you do to feel physically attractive to but there’s a broader range of people who are into this and brands are missing out by using such a one dimensional portrayal. I’m thinking back to the same early trips. And some of the people that i found the most attractive or exactly what luna said those that are most comfortable. there was this You know this one trip that we wanted this one person. Not conventional like not magazine. Ask in that sense. And i remember thinking she’s so attractive. What about her is so try. And it was the confidence it was the comfort and it was like she was kind and polite and was just she was just exuded. This era of like sexiness. I wouldn’t have expected and again this was years ago but even for me going. I remember how uncomfortable. I was with my own body and my lightsaber. Yes thank you But it’s the idea that even today if we were to go to a place where clothing is optional. I’m not it always takes me a little bit of that. Who kind of like working yourself out to be like okay. And i’m going swimming with no clothes on and once it’s been so long since i’ve done that but my point is is at once i do do that and i shed that self self consciousness. I feel so much better like you. Just you literally have nothing to hide and when you have nothing to hide in the other people have nothing to hide. It’s just it’s it’s it’s it’s life changing. Yeah or it can be it. Can it was for us. And i i want to add to to the the flip side is that people who are conventionally attractive and when i eventually i basically mean the type of people you tend to see on the cover of magazines People who how do i say this. Lean into that and feel entitled because of it. Because i see this at sex clubs. I see this as swinger parties. They’re like i’m so hot. And i’m so young. That entitlement is the most off pudding. It turns me off so much and i do think to some degree because i’m younger i will sometimes attract that. They’ll come over to us and feel like entitled. We must hang out. We must have something in common because our bodies look alike and part of that conversation oftentimes involves they’re speaking disparagingly about other guests and there is no bigger turn off for me. It’s it’s so gross. So i really hope for this person that That you go and explore. If it’s something. That’s curious to you. I would not let anything about your body. Hold you back like if i think if you come with the right attitude and luna said that confidence and that doesn’t mean that confidence is unfaltering but just this you know that you deserve to be there like you either paid to get in or you walked in the door so you deserve to take up some space so luna. Thank you so much. You are so brilliant. I wish you could be with us every single week. I’m going to try and figure out a way to make that happen to bring back show up at your place. I know where you live so a perfect. Can you tell people where to find your brilliant courses on everything from body confidence liberation to cock and ball torture to how to be a dom to better blow jobs as well as your podcast young. Thank you so much for having me. This is always so much fun talking to you and Yeah bring me back. Bring just come to my house and you can be in this little like puzzle. Piece thing that i’ve created here and we’ll record at luna matatus dot com. I’ve got like you’re right.
00:45:00 – 00:46:14
Like i have about thirty on demand on so many different topics you can watch anytime and folks can also find the plug podcast on spotify i tunes and soundcloud and you can also check out my youtube channel. There’s lots of good free kind of starter information there. If you’re curious about things like fem calming or compal torture or even things. That are about enhancing. Just you’re you’re getting into your body and out of your head within zek so if you’re interested in sensual sexual interested in dirty talk there’s lots of information up there to loonier the best. Thanks for chatting with us today. Thank you thank you for listening. Great chatting with you babe. That was great as always. Whenever i hear luna speak i feel great. I laugh a lot. And i learned a lot a lot of giggling going on well. That’s that was me. Thanks folks joining us today. A reminder again that womanizer has some great deals on their site at womanizer dot com and use code dr jess to save. Wherever you’re at hope you have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with dr jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.