March 25, 2021
Fetishes as Healing & How to Build Attraction
Adam Maurer joins us to crush on Brandon, sass Jess (with love) and answer your sex questions including:
- How do I pick between partners — a safe partner versus one with whom the sex is hotter?
- How do I deal with the fact that I love my boyfriend, but I’m no longer find him physically appealing?
- How can fetishes reduce stress and cultivate connection?
- What can we do to maintain attraction over time?
- What can we do to make the relationship run more smoothly?
- How can individual’s growth potentially threaten a relationship?
- How do trauma responses affect partner and relationship decisions?
- How do I deal with a dental visit knowing that I have a dental fetish?
Please see here for a rough version of this transcript.
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Fetishes as Healing & How to Build Attraction
00:00:05 – 00:05:04
You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with dr. Just podcast i’m your co host brandon. Wear here with my lovely other. Half dr jess. How’s it going. i’m excited. What four going to be talking to my friend and we. We need to dive right in. Because i know they have a lot to say so much to say you know what we should really spent some time catching up on our frisbee skills with adam. I feel as though you and our guests are gonna gonna pick on me today. I’m very much looking for this conversation before we welcome them. I wanna give a quick shout to. Let’s get checked folks if you have any health tests that are overdue or do anything. From s t is to hormones to cholesterol to diabetes to lyme disease to seal eac. It is covered by. Let’s get checked. They send you the test. You take your own sample you mail it in and you check your results securely online. It’s let’s get checked dot com. Please use code doctor jess to save at checkout and also to let them know that you heard about it here during a pandemic can’t be a better time than doing your own testing at home. You know if. I don’t have to leave my house i won’t. That is the absolute truth unless it’s to go on a plane unless it’s gonna play. I want my haircut here. My teeth cleaned here also. So let’s get checked using her own code. I have have actually alright without further ado. Let’s dive right in. Adam is a gender queer straight friendly therapist. From austin texas she is a defender of pleasure and a slayer of shame bitch who loves to dish out wisdom on sex love and mental health here with us. Today is the fabulous miss adam. Our how you doing. I’m so good. I was just thinking man. You having on once and shame on me for tricking you into that without you to what you’re getting into and so you have all the troubles on you well. Last time you complained. That brand wasn’t here. And so i was a little late to the meeting today. Actually i wasn’t late. You both were early. And i walked in and you were you were chatting with one. Another unsupervised discussing the terms of our recent pro frisbee sponsorship agreements. And how amazing they are because as everybody knows just is a frisbee fiend and call it desk tonette just keeping up to speed with what’s happening behind the scenes. I did not know that big truly had so much money on my gosh you guys are gonna make fun of me for sure. As soon as i got you together hang on. Have you even ever met in person. We haven’t met in person but we had a lovely conversation before this began today. You know you talk behind my back on instagram. That’s what i think you do. We you know we served see every now and then. It’s all good. No adam adam just used me to get to brandon. He was like you know what i think. I’m going to meet this doctor. Just character just so that i can get together with our partner. I have done less for trust trip. A trip to texas is warranted in the near future to really jealous relationship to the next level and brennan’s never been to austin. But you know i i have to ask. Who is your copy writer. Who wrote that intro for you. This was like a win before they walk into the the ring. Brynn brynn can you. I don’t know if you can read this intro in your voice. I think it’s going to be even better. Harir gender queer straight friendly therapist from us in texas she’s a defender of pleasure and a slayer of jayme buji bitch who loves to dish wisdom of sex love and mental. Hell the fabulous. This adam mouth Forever shit girl. I am a one person machine over here. there there is no brandon. There’s no it’s just me and my multiple personality. Well i think we need to do over. Because brands intro was way way better than mine but adam. We have so much to talk about today so because you are a therapist.
00:05:04 – 00:10:01
I thought that i could share some questions from listeners. And perhaps way in. I have i have a first question here a little bit of a long one from a person who says hi. I am forty nine years old. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that produced two children who are now audio finally. Got the nerve to tell my partner. I didn’t want the relationship anymore. I was seventeen when we first met. And now i finally got the nerve. After about seven years to go on a dating site. I met a couple of guys and it was so hard. Nothing became of the two. That i met but i met a guy on another site about six months ago and i wasn’t attracted to him but we message each other a lot and then we met up a couple of times. We kissed a couple of times in health hands. And then he asked if i’d be his girlfriend We don’t see each other very often because of work schedules. Maybe once a week. I go for a sleepover and the sex is good but honestly i haven’t been with anyone other than my ex since then i have connected with an old co worker to whom i am attracted we’ve been messaging. We started sexting We met a couple times and we made our and then. I went to his house to watch tv. I told them nothing would happen. But i couldn’t stop myself. I wanted him so badly and we had sex on his couch. It was amazing. I felt so close to him. But i felt guilty about it and i can’t stop thinking about him even while making love to my boyfriend i thought about this guy. The boyfriend and i told each other we love one another. And i really feel great with him but we can’t do much other than watch. Tv together and stay home and have sex because he’s stuck at home for specific reasons and the other night. I was thinking about this other guy. I’m so confused. I’m starting to feelings for this other guy. I don’t know what to do. That is a lot but atom. I know you’ve got this. I do have this so one. I am openly more than the modernise. And i wish we lived in a world that top people and it’s okay to have feelings about all sorts of people places and things and so when i hear people feel like this conflict of this feel safe and this feels adventurous. Define an iphone torn know what to do. The first nice. I go is to cool. What would you think about. Monopoly could could. Could you have a space for that in real life. that’d be an identity for you because you know as who actively lives this. I’m like yeah. I have friends that i like real. And that’s all we do really wonderful but also have friends that are really about kind of feeling of emotional safety or closeness sometimes intellectual. You’re talking about like social justice and shit make there’s there’s all that capacity there and the qena anastasio. Wow i am a complex being many means and this world offers a million ways if those men what works for me so opening to potentially monogamy is one option. What about people who are just closed to it. Like what do you say to people who i know. I can only be with one person. So if you’re going to be with just one person then you’re going to have to think about you. Know what what you can’t outsource within the relationship boundary that you have set so like that like outsource. I get a lot of of women who come to me. Because no the there with is not As emotionally available because we live in society that doesn’t usually value that for people raise male. But they might get that emotional fulfillment from girlfriends. And so when. I say like that’s great and have access to it. It doesn’t have to be from a partner so when you take things at us hierarchy that one person the person who is you know going to be digging you down also has to all these other things. That’s a lot of pressure the lot where someone could love. Why can’t we just say. hey if monogamous. Then maybe you know the creative elements of me gets expressed in my hobby and my partner can sit at home and watch networks. Maybe like the emotional. Part of me can be expressed in in my friendships. Maybe my disc by can be where i go wild and out. I see laughing laughing disc buddies what you call them. Hang on have either. Have you ever been on a sports field. ’cause i adam last sports field on a pay then i have to say i was the human what it’s called. The you like the person for our girls volleyball team in high school. Thank you very much for the read by you in a while. When’s the last time you were in high school. I did just turned thirty. Nine had a big year. You got a big year coming up. I know this is. This is the year when my community gay community.
00:10:01 – 00:15:04
They put me on ice drift and out to sea. Now that ages that ageism. So i really appreciate what you’re saying. The reminder that one person cannot fulfil all of your needs However i do think this person is wondering about sex specifically so people. I think part of the problem is that we assume that were monogamous we hold monogamy in the highest possible regard and maybe some people are gonna challenge where they got those notions and adjust. And maybe some people aren’t so if you’re with this person that makes you feel great and do you want to have sex with other people. Andy wannabe be monogamous. Is it fair to say you can’t have your cake and eat it too or is there a way to make this work. I think into it so people just physically. You just have like the chemistry and it feels really great. Like what am i i. E friends using my wrists at one time. And i have to tell you. Like i’ve never fantasize about being kissed on the wrist. I had never liked been like ooh. That’s going to be so hot. But this mothereffer. An art form. And i said i am turned all the way the eff up and in that moment i was like wow like. There’s so much chemistry in this connection. I i could see where someone could say. I don’t i don’t know what to do. I feel torn. i really enjoy this. This feels like something. I can’t even. It’s almost like The difference to me between reading something and listening to it some music right like it. It just hits different and it hits part of different when there’s like the physical and and all that so i think there’s so much that can be in good sex and most people will do a lot of stuff for some some good sex so like when i have frisky friends in town austin kind of big in challenging to navigate. Sometimes i’m like look this is a dictate i will go north of downtown. I will go all the way this louisville for some good dick. That’s like forty minutes out which is having lunch mamo. I’ll go downtown. And that’s it. Like i’m open to the clark this and we done. I guess that’s why we meant downtown. I mean if you randy girl rock. Golden ticket at this is what i picture you have access to like. All the gay clubs could use bring branded with you. Know how early in our relationship brandon bartended at one of the gay clubs and he wore these tiny little pair of gold shorts. tiny tiny. Like what would you say like. It was four inches long. It would hold on what’s four inches short. know it was. Yeah i bartended. And it was my first shifted this new club pretty big gay club and they brought up my outfit and it was gold briefs and i thought let’s do this. Let’s do this adam. Got it wrong. Because i couldn’t get into the club it’s like brandon can get. Brennan is not my ticket into the club. They’re like yes. Yes you come right in you wait at the door you get access if you show up which tend to be a drag queen fabulous. I had what something to do with james because it rai just a ballot would probably be just ballots. What my mother called me. Just my mother gave me my my nickname jacksonville. Although it’s she meant it lovingly okay. We have to go back to this. Oh this person’s in the situation where they feel good with this partner but they want sex with somebody else. They’ve only been with two people they were in this relationship. That wasn’t so healthy for a long time Do you think it’s okay to consider that you can feel really good with someone and also not want to be in a committed relationship with them like do you think that maybe that background emotional abuse and some of the associated trauma responses might make us believe that we need to stay with someone because they treat us while we’re we need to stay with someone because it feels decent as opposed to saying you know at this kim field canfield decent and it also may not be what i opt into right now. Yeah i’ve definitely seen where someone comes out of an situation and picks a partner who safe and safety brings a lot of good stuff my main squeeze. My husband is like safe as as all get out and save. Hard to make sexy. There’s nothing more stable in sexy than me. my kale. all the bills are treated with respect. And make sure to get like the The two ply toilet paper under you like hard to make. I’ve had i’ve had some people come who find that person after an abusive situation. And then they’re like uh-huh eff now. I feel safe again. And i have internalized that safety and this feels less adventurous than i’m used to and i need more so then i’m like cool.
00:15:04 – 00:20:04
Could you teach that person. Some skills right. Could you help them move from Where maybe they are are more stagnant and teach them some stuff so like go to dr justice’s class on like or sex. Learn your south something practices so is there. Is there a way to help that person level out from the safety that they provided you to help you get back on track. How interesting so there’s multiple options here right like to find that excitement and attraction with someone. Do you believe that if you don’t feel that attraction right away that you can cultivate that attraction over time. I think you care right like i see. People oftentimes lose it because they they have a lot of stuff on the brakes to arousal like. I’ve been my main squeeze for thirteen years now so it is harder for for him to just be like hot to me compared to somebody. I’ve never met second project all the good stuff onto that person. This person never forgot to take the dog out. This person never forgot to unload the dishwasher. So i do think that we can. Also if we curious in allow ourselves to expand the we expand and do that with a partner then we can find ways to reignite that stuff. So let’s say you go you know what in the safety. I realize i might be more. If i thought an apprentices i can i can witness that with you i can score that with you and having someone do that with you go to the unknown with you could be like oh eff i do love this person like i can see now. It’s different this different piece of them. But i don’t see as often and i follow him. I like that. So i think this prison has multiple options right on one hand. You don’t have to stay with someone because you feel good with him You might want to explore that relationship. But i think it can be helpful to sit down and ask yourself. What do you really want. What makes you feel really good You’re very you’re obviously deserving of feeling great and deserving of course of good sex as well and that can be cultivated. So i i do think them for reading writing in and asking now i have a couple more i want to get to and then i definitely want to talk about some stuff i’ve seen on your i g this actually relates to what you just said so this person says i love my boyfriend and i really like him but i’m no longer attracted to him. The sex’s good. When we have it. But i just don’t find him physically appealing. We’ve been together for years. I don’t know what to do now. this one. i think the pandemic has put pressure on people. Because when you’re around something every day it’s hard to desire. Like i am a effing tasty treat or my husband sees everyday so it could be harder for him to be like oh this delicious treat again and the pandemic of being like working together being stuck together possibly seeing each other. It’s like oh i. I’m not getting a chance to miss you. Don’t get a a chance to member how much i love it when i come back like you all travel a lot. I’m sure win. Justice out and brandon psycho. He’s like he’s like lighting a candle like an old like sandler’s while you’re safe return do and then you come back so fun you talk about that. I am captain safety like for me. it’s safety first for just. It’s like safety third. So i am an indefinitely during this pandemic. I think we have spent way more time through the together than we have in a deck. But he still wants the state. I know i’m not lying to treat. I’m not as exciting right now. But i think i think everyone sees no no no. It’s not even that are not going there. I know that the two of us are around each other and you made reference to being that everything for the for this guy in our case. Perhaps the the only other person with whom you are. You’re in a relationship with so. I expect just to be my cheerleader. I expect to have sex with her. I hope she does all actually his come online high. Expect you to have sex for me without we’ve agreed upon interrogative at the end so but on all these different layers all these different levels and i growing up i had this idea of what a relationship was it had very defined boundaries. So now what you had said from the beginning. Which is you have different people that might satisfy different elements of what it is you want. I think is a very interesting topic and i wondered. How do you even begin to have those conversations with a partner when you haven’t had them before rate and you know. Physical attraction is just a piece of attraction. So i would think about you know. Are you drawn to him emotionally. Are you drawn to him. Spiritually are you drawn to him romantically. Are you drawn to him. Practically and really tune into that To kind of rebuild. Some sort of Physical attraction and it usually that the sex is good.
00:20:04 – 00:25:09
So how else can you play with that like. Sometimes it’s just a matter of seeing someone dressed differently or in a different position. I don’t mean like a sex position in a different role. Like one thing that i find very attractive is when i see brandon kind of working room like i just love the way he smiles. When he’s talking to a group. I love the way he entertains like the way he tells a story. It’s usually my story and he’s just stolen it and made it seem funnier guy. But he’s so. Oh my goodness a trick to everyone listening. Because he’s telling my damn stories. Just say it louder and louder. So i think that they’re seeing your partner to different light. I i also think that you know physical attraction. Are you okay with not being physically attracted right is it. Do you as someone told you. You must be physically attracted like you look at them and wanna have sex with them and we have to remember that that is not necessarily the litmus test of whether you’re attracted as you said adam like i can be physically attracted to brennan but it doesn’t mean when i look at him that i’m always feeling that attraction or you know right now maybe people are feeling that last so i i don’t think you have to see it as a sign of the of something awry. Do you know what i mean. Yeah and i’m a big advocate to. I’m really attracted people. Who invested themselves. And whatever way that looks you doing something for your mental health for your sense of style for like your your physical. What are you doing to invest in you. And sometimes it’s easier especially in a long term relationship cool we’ll just coast because we’re in this ill safin good And to take healthy risks in grow invest in yourself in some way shape or form is like a rock that safety you know go. Maybe i wanna rock the safety a little bit. And and what would that look like. Maybe i go back to grad school and study something or changed careers. Maybe it’s the Trying out like new styles or investing in style saul together. I’m really into close. Cannot tell i’m literally calling from the closet. So it’s it’s all sorts of ways to explore the unknown of the south with a witness important. Well this actually takes us to an g post that i wanted to talk about it. That you posted And this is what you wrote. The irony of good love healthy relationships encouraged growth and often end when they are unable to accommodate the growth. They inspire so. How do you know if you’ve outgrown your relationship. How can you make sure that your relationship can expand to accommodate personal growth. You know like how do you renegotiate. What does that look and sound like. So i’m just gonna say one thing that i really like And one thing that excites me about you. Brandon is that i love that. You’re learning new things. Like i love that on his own. He’s studying spanish. She wants to learn how to speak spanish. Most got those better and lecce those burden new word starting new word and even around social justice. I love that you’re doing all that reading. I liked it like i and maybe it sounds really stupid. But i liked that you read the paper and then do the weekly quiz at the end of the week. So that you’re kind of up on things and have those things to talk about and ten years ago. I didn’t see that. So t to be in this place where i feel like i’m learning something new about you but also you’re doing something on your own even though he keeps asking me to join the spanish classes but i can’t sit still man. Do i keep asking. But i like the idea of growing an and i think that it’s really interesting to think about how that encourages your partner to perhaps maybe do the same like when i see jess doing something new. I’m inspired. i’m like wow. That’s interesting like. I want to better myself and i think that it snowballs upon itself and then you become perhaps you you choose to become a little bit more complex a little bit different and all of a sudden that to me becomes a tractive but let’s go back to what adam said like the irony of it is that there may be limits so healthy relationships encourage growth and often end when they are unable to accommodate the growth. They inspire who adam. What do we do about that. When i see is my specialty is like sexuality kink right is because of sexual shame. People don’t have the opportunity to own those things in the early age. So then they kind get on their relationship track. Meet someone who’s safe enough it a few years under their belt bills good and they’re oh mama i have a foot fetish. What do we do now going to disrupt all of this and that only came about because i other partner was so chill and lovely and let them just be themselves but they can finally integrate this fragment part into their every day so now the relationship’s gonna go can you look at You know opening up.
00:25:09 – 00:30:09
Can you look at That sort of erotica consumer latvia enough. Could you recognize what foot fetish might be doing for you and find other ways. That don’t challenge our relationship boundaries to have that event and sometimes you can do that. Sometimes people can level up. Sometimes you go. What i’m not really into it. But if you want to paint my term nelson me what do i care. And some people would say absolutely not. I didn’t sign up for us. And that that feels disruptive unsafe and that’s where because there isn’t the ability to expand to hold that growth relationship in break so like people people come in go while you’re different and i’m like bet you’ve been together for twenty years. You’re not in one thousand nine anymore. Yeah my yeah. My nightmare would be if brennan was the same person he was when he was twenty. Not that you were nightmare. Like i mean you were pretty much a forty year old man but i want i appreciate that i think you keep bringing up in all of these conversations and that safety and so when you feel that you can’t accommodate the growth. Can you maybe think about like what makes me feel unsafe about this right like why what would happen. Let’s say so. I want to go back to you know. Not everybody is consensually. non monogamous. I think to some degree we all are depending on how you define monogamy. There’s all different shades about foreign your some level of more than monopoly right or fantasizes. Exactly so you know. We said what we said. But let’s say i have a foot fetish and brennan’s not into it and he really maybe he doesn’t like his feet. How being touched. Maybe is adverse to it Maybe he likes to grow out his foot hair and braid. It and doesn’t want me to see it like all of these different things What would be the harm. I guess the question. I might ask myself or he might ask himself. He might say no. I want you to be monogamous. I want you to sexual assault sexual with me. But i also find feet sexually arousing. He doesn’t want to be a part of that. You mentioned a whole bunch of things like watching porn talking about and looking at the underlying emotional or personal fulfilment. They’re also asking yourself the question. If i were to play with someone else’s feet what’s the fear in that. What could be the harm in that. What damage could it potentially due to our relationship and i’m not being rhetorical. Those are real questions you can consider. I know it sounds rhetorical. Because for me i i would be okay with brennan playing with someone else’s feed or vice versa. But i do think that we need to go back to our underlying fears here. Don’t we and our threats to safety and for me as as a whole with heart gold. Anytime i go out and have an experience experienced someone. There is a part of me. That tethers all of that goodness to my main squeeze the husband. So i’m like. Hey i got to go do this. Experience explore this be my wild and how self because you love me so much in a world that said i should feel shame about it. Didn’t want me to have accessed. And so not only. Did i feel good in the part of myself stepped into an exploring myself with this other person. Place thing but mama. I feel even more tethered to you because you are the reason they have it. So it’s it’s it is kind of life hacking that safety and pouring it back into the relationships that are solid. I really appreciate that. It’s it’s their support that and the safety and the beauty of the relationship that let you grow into this. Are that supported you in going into this and then it’s the love and support that encourages you and exploring not the language of permission giving right. Because i sometimes hear that. Like what would your husband let you would your partner let you. It’s i want to support you. I always ask myself the question you know. Why why would. I wanna hold you back from any form of fulfil man’s and i’m not talking about you know the porn model of you need to have a threesome or because a lot of people don’t want that a lot of people aren’t desiring that but when i do feel threatened i i always want to ask myself the question and this isn’t just sexual at all. I’m actually not thinking about sex. I want you to be. I want you to have everything you want in this short time on earth. I i’m talking to brandon here you to adam. I want you to have everything to. But i want you to adam. I want you to have everything you want. And if there’s anything. I can do facilitate just pictures over. I’m sure there are photos. Oh well we won’t talk about for anyone. Who’s from toronto. Can i talk about listeners. Anyone who is either from toronto or has visited toronto. There’s a famous bar and you will know it. If you’ve ever watched cuevas folk called woodies and brandon was the poster child for woody bit of a stretch child starting the poster poster fairly legal.
00:30:09 – 00:35:00
I you could use to be able to catch me on the side of what. He’s in various states of undress in in wearing a flag. Doing the lord’s work. And i think that might have been it know my favorite was the one of you in boxing shorts and you’re grabbing your crotch and it says cocky definitely i so anyhow if people are curious. I’m gonna make this feature photo. I don’t want to replace adam. Adam traffic this. I yield my time to the distinguished gentleman from wendy’s. I’m gonna put them on our website if we can find them. And if brandon consensus think those photos have been retired from. Woody’s i think i’ve been replaced but i have. I have them somewhere. I have them because they were in magazines. They were in the inner cover of fab magazine every week. So i’m gonna go looking for them. I’m gonna try. And put the minds to graham arguing lovett freeze tag me so i just. I really appreciate the way you discuss these topics with nuanced idea. That in a healthy relationship that that makes space for growth it can also feel threatening right can feel to accommodate that growth and so it is really important. That people remain open to kind of renegotiating. What a relationship looks like because we always talk about rules and expectations but these do evolve over time. So you know one thing that i remember seeing on on your instagram as well and people should go follow moon tower. Lame is had to do with a relationship check in and this is something i talk about as well but i love the way you put it like just some simple questions to check in with the relationship regularly. Could you give us a couple of questions for kind of a weekly or monthly check in. Yeah i love a question of what am i doing well and what you need to see some change right because if you talk to well that’s easier for me to connect with baby girl the way you like took care of them kids. Today i was just wild enough from work and you just in and you put those little bitches. The bed like boom boom boom effing loved. It was great. Thank you like. I feel good now. And what do you help with right. Where’s the challenge. I really long for some more intimacy. Okay cool i can. I can work on that It’s learning how to to ask questions about what you are longing for what it means when they get it right. I love oaken questions. So what’s your favorite thing about. Every ex exactly i mean i know i know you like everything. But what’s your favorite and sometimes it’s letting go right letting go of the sense of. I have to be perfect for this to be secure in six. And if you have any sort of conflict with me that’s can disrupt the safety so don’t tell me that but if you can’t tell me i’m gonna be resentful and that resentments can become contempt overtime and then that contempt is going to poison the well of our relationship so tell me wanna eff up. I’m gonna eff up. Let me know actually letting go of the need to be. Perfect is something. That’s kind of been a theme in in our relationship. Like i know that brennan does not like to screw up like even if i’m a little bit upset it can feel it can at times feel catastrophic for you right. I mean i grew up in in an environment where you just wanted to avoid doing anything to upset my parents and that again. That model behavior carried over into the relationship. That i’m in now and i can t i still battle with it. Which is the idea of never wanting to fail anyone and that is really really difficult because that actually for me results in an inability to make a decision an inability to move forward. Something as simple. And i’m i’m just thinking about like dinner. I won’t order dinner. Or i don’t want to choose the restaurant that we might order from in fear of choosing the wrong thing. And there’s like that’s ridiculous when i it allowed but partly illegitimate tobacco’s. Somebody really loves food and animal but the point is is that actually the inability to simply just decide on what i want to eat translates often or has translated into a bit of an argument. Because you wanna let go of that responsibility. And why can’t just decide. So i’m again very simply put just making that decision and not worrying about the the outcome. Because i know it’s going to be good no matter what like you might not like the pizza that i ordered or the thai food. But you know what we’ll get through it together. You’ve never seen me angry because i wanted pizza’s not time. Wanted and really it comes down to saint cool.
00:35:00 – 00:40:18
You want me to take on this. You want me to step into this role of deciding. I mean i need a commitment from you that you like what i do. You have to work to connect to the appreciation were given it up then you give it up girl but if you want to be apart you’ve gotta say speak now forever hold. I think just caught called out ’cause but that is part of the problem. I think that you know you have this response where you want to be perfect and you never wanna screw up and you never wanna disappoint me even the smallest way And i also do have issues with letting go of control around things. that’s something. I’ve been learning about myself. That i have to let go and just let things happen. And if there’s a small. If i don’t get what i want i will survive. I can be really nit-picky In in in in life on myself and on other people on. So i have to work on that so adams called me out just a woman of quality and i am the same so i get it like. Hey i want it to be like this. I want this. Like i want you to pick dinner and i wanted to be seafood and probably sushi. Get on it right. I really flexible. I just want seafood sushi. Only to not want to see on the outside only gerry. You choose but you choose remember happy. As long as everything is the way i think on so anyhow i just wanna go back to my appreciation for for your instrument for these these serious issues you talk about in such a short meaningful ways and for people to maybe have a reminder to think about are you encouraging growth in your relationship and not only are you encouraging it but are you supporting it when it happens and being willing to adjust and being willing to lean into your own fears in your own insecurities when that growth feels new because sometimes just something new can feel scary. Now you before. I let you go at at. Do you have a quick moment to talk about fetishes. I do. I effing up talking about the shows. I know you’re going to help us reframe the way we look at fetishes. I do have a question from a listener. It’s a very specific question. So they say. I have a dental fetish. And i haven’t been to the dentist juniors now and i’m going to go again and they they ask what is fair in terms of how much i can enjoy the dentist without crossing any lines violating consent. I’m thinking that i should just go through the process. And then maybe fantasize about it after and by the way. It’s not about my dentist. I’m not remotely attracted to them. I just love the whole experience But what if i get aroused and i i would say right. We get a rattlesnake things all the time every day and just not hurt people. The things i’m doing to brandon in my mind right now hunting. Arrest me a media. We are we playing frisbee together. We can make that a reality in right now like i. I don’t have to then like feel bad like it’s not hurting him. I’m not like doing things to have ridden feel less than or us now if that behavior comes to the surface and i am like projecting things onto him without his consent. That’s where be the a sticky situation. So i look at it as like enjoy. Enjoy whatever the moment. Is you know what we were thinking about. Like talking about. Vanishes i about this with with people because i have a vanish And it is wild and out but it helped me really understand what people who have haddish’s experience in what it could be like therapy so you know for me. My fetish is wrestling. I effing love it. Love it since. I was a kid like when i came out in in therapy and accept it myself. The exercise that had to do was box and on the inside foot. When i hide from the world outside what i project and on the inside i had a picture of a guy because i was coming out to myself and i had wrestling like came out. F- like yay and having a vanish at the same time. And you’re unfortunately mental health has a really old school definition of fetish. That’s linked to an old school definition of sex because they look at saks as penetration in orgasm and so then a fetish. Well not that and you you can’t. You can’t have any sort of orgasm without that those things and to me. It is much bigger than like people who who have adages elegant fetishes being on a continual. So you have absolutely not and of reasons why people might be an absolutely not maybe because they have pass trauma maybe because they have other things in life going on right like if i have three kids getting tied up does not sound five just trying to survive over here maybe on a sexual right. Maybe i just don’t enjoy sex general and then you have like kind of liking and like kink is like your girlfriend who on valentine’s day is like a pink furry cups and then they just like sit in a bedside table for eternity after that and you like sweet summer child And then you have people like into it right.
00:40:18 – 00:45:02
There may be more looking at in their own world maybe consuming erotica then moving up that that continue on yeah people might have seen name who are going to parties actively engage use the language. And then you have like the buddy fetish which is hey. Maybe i really just like this active. I go to parties and do this activity. I realize it’s about this activity and then then have you. This is it for me. I’d rather have this than a of other things. It’s just where i feel. Most alive is where most of the most connected and low key people finish. I shouldn’t all the time like anything. Like fabric right. How many times people use lace or silk in their arrived bitch. That’s a fetish. You are turning yourself on for a a averick right you. You are doing that and look at like the right. I talk about the because like one. In seven people have like some some form of foot fetish our but we fetishizes all sorts of parts of the body as a society without leading. I be more like ooh. Those ads are hot which adds a fetish look at that smile. She’s so lovely. Those are bones coming out of your head. You sip. Pervert you just heard yourself smile. You like some headstone nasty. It’s like it’s just so common and it really takes this idea of like of finding pleasure in and some of that pleasure will look really conventional and some of that pleasure will just be your own experience in interacting with devices and things And to to deny yourself pleasure is just not my jam I think you can enjoy it without crossing boundaries that would violate violate the consent of other people. So i appreciate your tedtalk today. I really appreciate the way you normalize the conversation and remind us that everything is along a continuum right and when we have that reminder. That’s that it’s along a continuum. I think it helps to reduce shame. Like i am curious if this person hasn’t been to the dentist. Because of avoidance and because of shame and i i want to just note that like you know even though you know you’re joking about brandon or flirting or whatever it is you guys have a report you know each other you have this background you’ve pre. Dm each other. I presume i it’s not like know it’s not like you’re just seeing brennan for the first time and saying. Hey i’m thinking these things so similarly for this person. And you know you can fantasize about anyone as adam said like for example. I think about the dmz that. I receive unsolicited from people. I don’t know who will tell me what they thought about with me and to me. That’s a violation. It’s not a violation that you’re thinking about it. I don’t care it’s none of my business. What you’re thinking about but i’ve never met you. I’ve never shown any interest in in this. I’ve never consented to it. And then you’re telling me in explicit detail what you’re what you’re thinking about with me. I first of all. I’ll be clear. I no longer read those messages. I don’t think any listeners are doing that honestly. i think it’s far off people. But i think that there’s this really clear line where you can enjoy anything you want at the dentist but if you read it you know look up in the dentist. I and say this is feeling so good for me i can. I can feel the blood rushing to migrate that that would not obviously be appropriate. But i think that the part of why this person’s asking this question is because there is so much shame but there’s no shame in thought and there’s no shame in you know whether it’s the dentist that turns you on or you know putting your face in flowers or sitting on a cake or wrestling. Can i just ask you is your wrestling. Is it that you liked to wrestle. Watch wrestling matches all. It’s a whole world like it is like a subculture right. So there’s a million things. And i tend to like all of it And usually the person who has control because look at her but watching it participating it making it making people do it all and would you have a loot name. Oh i have like a scene name. But i don’t share that because my you know my clients to go buy some would but i’m like known in like my scene yeah. I’m used to have a tumbler. That was like eff and fire but then some got all sex negative and it was like so i have a twitter now and i get like because of the pandemic i get Guys in the scene. We have cybersex. And then i’ll have them take pictures and things like that and put in the trophy case and so then they get to go up on my twitter and get to feel like Borton because there on my twitter.
00:45:03 – 00:48:01
I i love it and you know in terms of the shame. Did you feel shame in the beginning. Is that something you had to work through I didn’t realize how much it was a party. And what it does it helps you manage my mental so i have a feeling of depression. Pop balls i can like give a heads up to some of my like frisky wrestling friends and they You know do a scene with me. They might send me some pictures of them in year. They they know how to support me in a way in level right that just hits differently than hot into a therapist like anti therapist. Mama makes her money. It’s needed and ethnic. There are things that we can do our sexuality things we can do in touch things that we can do in exploring the erotic that talk therapy itself cannot do. I really appreciate that. You know that you can use these fetishes and these desires to explore connection to cope with stress. And i i once again encourage people to follow along with moon tower counseling to learn more about adam mara. And make sure you’re following on instagram. Because you are full of really just honest. Good authentic information. You’re sort of funny. You brand together once again at amarah gender career straight friendly therapist from austin texas. I’ll let brandon low defender of pleasure wrestler of shame. A boozy bitch wisdom on sex love and mental health at this fabulous miss atom. Our thank you so much outta cars. Thank y’all i love. Y’all so much chatting with you while what. A great podcast. So many nuggets of wisdom from adam. I really enjoyed that chat today. You have such as romance going on without him. I feel a connection with adam. I feel like. I need to make a trip to austin texas. Maybe go for coffee through the disk. Little some fun okay. So yeah but anyway it was. It was great. I really enjoyed chatting with adam today so for all of you listening. Please subscribe go on reiter review share with your friends. We love hearing from you. We welcome all of your questions because the more we know the more. I think we can help agreed. You want you want questions brandon. I love the questions. I love getting put on the spot. I feel like. That’s the jam here. Isn’t it my favorite podcast of all. Time was when people sent you a bunch of questions. And i just got to answers. Yeah so wherever you are sending those questions have a wonderful week stay safe. Stay healthy and subscribe at sex with dr jess. And you’re listening to the sex with dr jazz podcast improve your sex life improve your life.