February 12, 2021
The Apology Languages, Sexual Initiation Techniques & Communication Tips
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- How can I initiate sex with confidence?
- How do you flirt?
- What are the “apology languages”?
- How do you keep your cool during conflict?
- How can I get my partner to be more dominant in bed?
To learn more about Walgreens PrEP, click here.
Rough transcript of this podcast below:
Brandon: Welcome! Hope everyone is well.
Jess: I’m really excited because I’m swamped this week and I like the buzz. I have lots going on with V-Day on the horizon and a big announcement as well, so I’ll start with that topic, as it relates to HIV prevention and involves a new partner and I really think that raising awareness of this topic can make a big difference because
While rates of HIV in the U.S. have continued to decrease, but the epidemic is far from over. During the COVID-19 pandemic, many people have faced barriers to HIV testing, prevention and treatment. Obviously sexual health and pleasure intersect with overall health and I really want to increase conversations and understanding when it comes to prevention of HIV through the use of tools like PrEP, or Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis.
This is why why I am excited to be working with Walgreens to encourage anyone at risk for HIV to reach out to their local Walgreens pharmacist to discuss their options. Walgreens pharmacists are specially trained to offer compassionate, confidential HIV care, including prevention options such as medication counseling and how to qualify for free programs like Ready, Set, PrEP, a nationwide effort led by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, which provides PrEP medications at no cost to those who qualify.
These confidential discussions with a pharmacist can take place in private rooms in stores, by phone and online via Pharmacy Chat. To learn more, visit walgreens.com slash prep. That’s walgreens.com slash P-R-E-P.”
Now most people probably don’t know that I started my career in sexuality working in HIV. My focus when I was doing research in teacher training involved three topics: healthy relationships, HIV/AIDS and sexual pleasure, because these were the topics that Toronto teens identified as their top priorities via the Toronto Teen Survey, which was a partnership research project between three universities that spoke with teens who wouldn’t normally be included in research — so newcomer teens, more queer students, and other students forced to the margins.
And when or while I completed by research, I started working freelance with some AIDS service organizations as a trainer, as a speaker and I worked with the ASO up in Fort Mac Alberta to help launch a sexual health & STI counselling line in a region that was hit hard in terms of HIV and STI rates on account of the way the oil economy had affected population movement and growth.
The ED of that ASO, Daven Seebaran really focused on sexuality as a part of the HIV discussion — this was over a decade ago and he really realized that you can’t talk about HIV prevention without also talking about sex — pleasure, options, activity, behaviour and not just condom use. He was young at the time and way ahead of his time. And he gave me so many opportunities in this field at a time when many people in public health still refused to talk about sex and definitely were leaving pleasure out of the equation.
Back then, PrEP was in its infancy and was, in fact, still in clinical trials, but fast forward a decade plus and we’re in a very different situation now.
PrEP, or pre-exposure prophylaxis, is a daily pill that can reduce the risk of sexually transmitted HIV by about 99% when used consistently.
You may have heard of the brand names for PrEP. Truvada was the first drug approved for use as PrEP for both men and women by the Food & Drug Administration in 2012. In 2019, a second drug, Descovy, was approved by the FDA for use by men. Both forms of PrEP are highly effective and it’s like birth control in that you take it every day.
Efficacy rates according to the CDC are 99% preventative for sexual transmission and 74% for transmission via injectable drugs.
And some studies have shown even higher effectiveness with consistent PrEP use among gay and bisexual men, and transgender women.
While PrEP is highly effective in preventing HIV, it does not protect against other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). To prevent gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and other common STDs, use condoms.
It’s not immediately effective, however. Like birth control, it doesn’t work from the first day you take it.
It takes 7 days to reach maximum protection from HIV through receptive anal sex. And for receptive vaginal sex and drug use, it takes about 20 days to reach maximum efficacy. This doesn’t mean you can stop taking it at that time. You have to keep taking it every day as prescribed to maintain protection.
In the U.S., it’s covered by most insurance plans and should be covered by Medicaid and Medicare. But if you don’t have insurance, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ funds the Ready, Set, PrEP Program to provides PrEP at no cost and your Walgreen’s pharmacist can assist with this.
One of guests last week actually mentioned that she’s on PrEP and I wish we had time to open up that conversation, because we need to normalize these prevention tools.
Anyhow, I’m so excited that Walgreens reached out to me about their prevention efforts because it’s just a huge sign of how much has changed in the last decade. Ten years ago, big brands didn’t want to talk about sex even though they sold condoms and lube and birth control and STI drugs. But now, as public health agencies has shifted the conversation, they’re bringing sex talk into the open and that’s my hope with this campaign.
And that’s a long announcement, but I think the PrEp update is an important one. And I really encourage you to share it with your clients, friends, family, partners. Let them know that Walgreens pharmacists can answer questions via text on the phone or in store and connect them with programs that can help with access if you’re not insured.
Brandon: So much has changed since you started working in this field.
Jess: Today we’re answering your questions about how to initiate sex, managing anger, the apology languages and more, so let’s see how many we can get to…
First is from someone in Denver. “I’m 59, she’s 61, been married for 26 years and are empty-nesters living in Covid times! Frequency’s about 2-3 times a month, but it’s gotten very predictable. Can you help me with sexual initiation? I want to keep things fresh.”
I sure can try! B – how do you initiate sex?
Brandon: Touch. I use it to get myself in the mood. And get you in the mood. And the poke from behind in the shower. It really depends on the day.
Jess: I know the poke from behind.
Brandon: That’s my signature move. But also I pay attention to the things you like – being admired. And that was uncomfortable for me at first. I had to push my confort zone. I had to try new things.
I know I’m not a great flirt. I work on that.
Jess: First, I want to talk about sex seeds. This is from our latest book. Sex seeds are seductive clues about what is to come in a future sexual experience. They can be planted in the morning if you want to get busy at night or throughout the week before you meet. To plant effective seeds, consider which erotic activities appeal to your lover. Do they like romantic sex? Do they love to be filmed? Are they publicly experimental? Select an erotic activity that you can plan on your own and plant a sex seed to set the tone. For example, if your partner likes to be spanked, leave a spanking instrument in their car (paddle, wooden spoon from the kitchen, riding crop) or leave a photo of it in their briefcase. Leave them a note in their lunch bag or text them a photo of it in your hands. Throughout the day (or week), water the sex seed leaving additional clues. This process can offer you a distraction to reduce stress and help you to weave eroticism throughout your day-to-day interactions.
But on the spot, you have so many options: Watch porn or even a movie with lots of sex scenes. Read her a sexy story. Surprise her in the shower just for oral and then move into the comfier bed. Wake her up with oral or a toy. Leave the toy on the bed. Leave her note letting her know what you want to do or want her to do. Blindfold her and touch her entire body only with the backs of your hands. Get some massage oil and start with your fingertips as you very slowly work your way up to her shoulders. Be physically playful – dance, touch and wrestle around.
Make her feel something. I talk about the core erotic feeling all the time – how does she want to feel? Sexy? Loved? Confident? Sex is so much more than the physical – and the emotional is often the most powerful.
I hope this helps!
Next Q: What are the apology languages I saw you talk about them briefly on your IG.
Apology languages are drawn from Gary Chapman’s work, the guy who created the love languages, along with Jennifer Thomas. They suggest that the five languages of apology are:
- expressing regret
- accepting responsibility
- making restitution
- genuinely repenting
- requesting forgiveness
And the theory is that you have to figure out what matters most to your partner. I know quizzes are attractive, but I would suggest that the best way to figure out what your partner wants, is to ask. Not once, but to keep the conversation going.
These components can all be important and depending on what you’re apologizing for, what you need may vary. So I don’t believe they’re static or mutually exclusive. But again, it’s a good place to start the conversation when apologizing.
The framework of languages can be helpful as a starting point, but it can also be reductionist and limiting. You are complex and changing and your needs cannot always be summed up in one word.
And these systems created by and for the West don’t necessarily apply across cultures. So they may or may not be helpful to you.
Another Q: “My question is for Brandon. You’ve spoken a few times about how you used to fly off the handle in conflict and learned to keep your cool, but also honour your own feelings. I’m a hot head, I know it and I just feel my blood boiling whenever my GF and I fight. So how did you learn to keep your cool?”
Brandon: I really have to tune in to what’s going on my body. Slow my breath. I can feel it boiling in my body. I’ll rub my own hand. It has taken years. You need a partner who supports you too. I have to tell Jess “I’m working on this.”
Next Q: What percentage of people actually cheat?
24% admit to it.
I want my boyfriend to be more dominant in bed. He’s gentle and slow and loving and I like that, but how do I tell him to be more aggressive?
I wonder if he’s gentle and loving and slow because there has been so much emphasis on having men slow down and tune into the emotional elements of connection — which is all well and good, but the bottom line is that there is no universal formula. Even If 99 people want their partners to slow down, they’ll always be one who wants them to speed up. Even If 99 people like a gentle caress, there will always be one who wants it rougher. And that’s cool. There are no universal rules, but in trying to undo gendered stereotypes sometimes we make the mistake of rewriting new rules instead of just focusing on doing what feels good for you and expressing your needs openly.
So that’s it. Let him know what you like. Show him with your hands. Tell him what you want to hear. Show him a character from a show whose dominant sexual personality appeals to you. Guide him. Treat him how you want to be treated sometimes and let him know you’re modelling the behaviour.
I think it’s important to remember that when we ask for something different, we’re not disparaging what came before that. And we need to be open to new asks too. When our partner wants something new, it doesn’t mean they want to discard all that is old. It’s an addition — not a substitution and it’s not a zero sum game.
That’s all the time we have for today.
Thanks for listening!
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
The Apology Languages, Sexual Initiation Techniques & Communication Tips
00:00:05 – 00:05:07
You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with dr podcast. I’m your co host brandon. Wear here with my lovely other. Half a doctor jess hey. Hey how’s it going. i’m good. i’m. I’m excited because i’m i’m swamped this week. I like the buzz. It’s valentine’s so there’s so much going on with events and with some media stove and projects. Today’s minna wild day. You’ve got a lot on the go. At least it seems like that from somebody looking in love it. Yeah it’s like. I feel alive until i stopped though. Then i just feel like what do you mean until oh you mean like just physical exhaustion. Like i just didn’t sit down. Oh yeah just sitting down makes me to chill so you know. I just lots going on and i have a big announcement as well so i’m going to start with that topic because it relates to hiv prevention and it involves a new partner. And i really that. Raising awareness of this topic can make a big difference. So you know. Rates of hiv in the us have continued to decrease. The epidemic itself is really far from over and since the onset of the covid nineteen pandemic. We’ve seen more barriers to hiv testing to prevention to treatment and sexual health and pleasure really intersect with overall health. And you know my job. I feel is to increase these conversations and try and deepen understanding when it comes to overall sexual health including the prevention of hiv through the use of tools like prep or pre exposure prophylaxis. And so. this is why. I’m super excited about this announcement and this partner. I’m excited to be working with walgreens now to encourage anyone who could potentially be at risk for hiv to reach out to their local walgreens pharmacist to discuss their options so walgreens pharmacists all have special training in compassionate and confidential hiv care including prevention options and medication counseling and how to qualify for free programs like ready set. Prep so that is a nationwide effort led by the us department of health and human services which provides prep medications at no. Cost to fo- qualify. And so you can talk to a pharmacist. Confidentially in a private room in the store or you can call in or you can just chat online via their pharmacy chats so encourage people to check it out to learn more. It’s walgreens dot com slash prep or walgreens dot com slash p. r. e. p. a. such amazing news and. I was really excited. When i heard that you had Secured them a partner. But it’s amazing to me to think of a wear. Hiv prevention has come from over the last couple of decades this idea of prep as a as a prophylactic. Yeah now most. People probably don’t know that i actually started my career in sexuality working primarily in hiv. Doing my my research in school in teacher training. We were focused on three topics healthy relationships hiv aids and sexual pleasure because these were the topics that toronto teens identified as their top priorities via something called the tronto teen survey which was a partnership research project between three universities here that interviewed teens who wouldn’t normally be included in this type of research so teens who were newcomers to canada. More queer students and other students who tend to be forced to the margins. And when i was in school i can’t remember if it was while i was doing my research or after shortly thereafter but i started working freelance with a number of aids service organizations as a trainer and as a speaker and i worked with An aide service organization up in fort mcmurray alberta which is like oil country and i helped to launch a sexual health. Sti counseling hotline in a region. That was hit really hard in terms of hiv and sti rates on account of i guess the way the oil economy has affected population movement and growth and the executive director of that aids service organization is named davin see baron he. I went to school with him. In fact he was really focused on sexuality as part of the hiv discussion and the this was over a decade ago and he really realized and emphasized that you can’t talk about hiv prevention without also talking about sex the the pleasure the options the behavior and not just condom use and he was fairly young at the time.
00:05:07 – 00:10:07
Because we’re the same age. So i i think he was in his late twenties and he was just really ahead of his time. He gave me so many opportunities in this field at a time when many people in public health still refuse to talk about sex and definitely relieving pleasure out of the equation so as you know working with these aids services organizations going to conferences and back then prep was really in its infancy and and in fact was still in clinical trials but fast forward just over a decade. And we’re in a very different situation now so prep for people who don’t know or it’s pre- it’s an for pre exposure. Prophylaxis is a daily pill that can reduce the risk of sexually transmitted hiv by about ninety nine percent when used consistently yeah ensue. You’ve may have even heard of some of the brand names. So true vodka was the first drug approved for prep for both men and women by the fda and two thousand twelve and then seven years leader. Another second drug sco. V a d seo v. y. Was approved by the fda for use by men and both forms of proper highly effective. It’s it’s like birth control in that you take it every day and advocacy rates as i said according to the cdc are ninety nine percent four sexual transmission and seventy four percent for transmission via injectable drugs. And it’s interesting of his is reading up that some studies have shown even higher efficacy rates were consistent prep use among gay bisexual men and trans gender women and I i should note that while prep is highly effective in preventing hiv. It doesn’t protect against other sexually transmitted diseases gonorrhea chlamydia syphilis and other. Std’s sgi’s which require condom use. So you know. I i should mention i want to talk about prep little because it’s it’s newer to me because i haven’t been You know engaged with this research as much in the last couple of years as i could be but So prep is something you take. Every day it’s not immediately effective So you know like birth control. You can’t just take one pill you have to take it you know it takes seven days with prep to reach maximum protection for Hiv transmission reduction through receptive anal sex. So seven days if you’re having receptive anal sex and if you’re having receptive valuable sex or drug use it’s takes about twenty days to reach maximum efficacy and this doesn’t mean you can stop taking it. At that time it’s just it becomes it becomes at its highest rate of efficacy at that time and you have to keep taking it every day as prescribed to maintain protection. I wanted to emphasize. Of course i’m getting my information from the cdc and sharing with you so You want obviously talk to your local pharmacist. Your healthcare provider and do of course your local pharmacist at walgreens. Because they’re almost every community. And i wanted to mention that in the us it’s covered by insurance plans covered by medicaid and medicare. But if you don’t have any insurance the ready set prep program provides prep should provide. Prep no cost. And that’s where your walgreens pharmacist can assist with connecting you to the program and You know one of our guests recently actually mentioned that she’s on prep and i had wished during that review that i could have engaged with her on the topic but we just had so much to cover. But we really need to open up that conversation to normalize these prevention tool so so long way of saying You know i’m really excited. That walgreens reached out to us about their prevention efforts. Because it’s really just a huge sign of how much has changed in the last. You know decade or so. I’ll say ten years ago when when i graduated. No big brands didn’t wanna talk about sex even though they maybe were selling condoms and lube and birth control and sti drugs but now as public health agencies have kind of shifted the conversation right in light of covid. We’ve seen big public health agencies across north america. You know from new york and beyond actually talking about sex talking about who wearing a mask and making it kinky and cutting a hole in a wall and all of those things So you know they’re bringing sex talk into the open and that’s really my hope with this campaign and i know it’s a long announcement but i think the prep update is an important one. And i encourage you to use it yourself and please share it with your friends your family your partners your clients. Let them know that walgreens pharmacist can answer your questions either and i appreciate this via text chatting online because you know. I don’t like to talk on the phone for those of you. Who dude like talk on the phone. There’s a hotline or in store and they can help you get connected with the programs that will ensure access if you’re not insured.
00:10:07 – 00:15:04
It’s amazing in the midst of a of a pandemic of a different sort that there’s this positive news about another epidemic that you can be essentially lessen the impact like there’s so much positive. There’s so much positive news at our this announcement about this this program but not you say it’s an epidemic it need not be an epidemic because of the prevention opportunities because of the treatment Hiv does not need to be an epidemic and we need to increase testing. We need to increase prevention measures. So yeah This this is a good start. And so i hope that this is the very beginning of a conversation that we keep going so today. We’re answering your questions about a number of topics how to initiate sex hunt manage anger. We’ve got one for you. brandon The apology languages and and a few others hopefully. So let’s see how many we can get to. I really appreciate the messages folks and me. I mean most of them. No no you know. It’s so nice like to wake up to messages. Where people either appreciated an episode or had some feedback or send in their questions I do try and read everything. I don’t always get to it right away. But i’m i’m thankful for your feedback so this person rates in from denver. He says i’m fifty nine. She sixty one been married for twenty. Six years were empty nesters. Living in cova times frequency is about two to three times a month. But it’s gotten very pretty predictable. Can you help me with sexual initiation. I want to keep things fresh mo. We can try brandon. How do you initiate sex. Oh jeez sometimes. I’m very lazy. And i do the what is it. What do you call it the poco. I know you’re there. And the other times i find that i do have to kind of push myself. I know that i enjoy sex. Knew that that. I know that you enjoy sex so i know that if i push myself to initiate that it’s going to likely be a win win for all part but how do you initiate so. Yes the puck from behind like especially in the shower lately. Come into mcdonald’s tang my towel on that. Just hold my towel. How old do i initiate. You feel like you’re putting me on the spot. I mean the pope from behind his goto. What else do i do. You tell me so. I i tend to initiate sex by Touching caressing kinda stroking your body. I think that that’s what works. And it’s funny. Because as i’m saying what i do. I know that that’s what works for me. Like i know that that sensuous touch is what relaxes me and kind of gets me into the head space physically and mentally into sex. Why do that when we’re trying. I’m trying to initiate sex with you. Yeah you’re very you’re definitely physical. I think most people sink physically when they think about sexual initiation you. I guess i want to begin by talking about planting sex seeds. So this is from our latest book the book that i wrote with marla the ultimate guide to seduction and four play. And i make sure. I plug it so that you know that this is marlins work too because succeeds are actually her creation in. She describes them as seductive clues about what is to come in a future sexual experience so they can be planted in the morning. If you wanna get busy at night or you can plant them throughout the week before you meet and you know she says to really consider what type of sex. Your lover likes. So do they like it romantic. Do they like to be filmed. Are they publicly. Experimental and really think about an aerobic activity that you can plan on your own and plant a seed to set the tone so if your partner likes to be spanked. Maybe you’re leaving a spanking instrument in their car like a paddle spoon from the kitchen. Or maybe you leave a photo of it in their purse or their briefcase or maybe you leave them a note in their lunch bag and text them a photo of it in your hands. You’re the ideas. You’re watering the succeed. Kind of leaving additional clues. And i know people aren’t really going to work right now but still you have different areas of your home you can use and it. It’s interesting ’cause marla reminds us that this whole process of planting succeeds can kind of offer a distraction to reduce stress overall. And help you to kind of weave eroticism throat your day to day interaction so i think the most important thing that i would want to emphasize that initiating sex can’t really happen on the spot right. It is really about the way you interact at breakfast for the evening or on monday for friday. And so it’s interesting brandon. The you say that you initiate like through touch because you definitely do.
00:15:05 – 00:20:15
That’s what you do but you do things throughout the day that set the tone right. You’re not you’re not. I wouldn’t say you’re super like you’re not super sexual like you’re not making innuendos or anything like that but but you touch me all day. Long right where we’re at home together Currently in quarantine most people are but like when you pass me kind of hold onto me or when you came to take your ipad off the couch. you’re like touching my head So i think you’re you’re very physical and so you’re planting those seeds throughout the day. Not necessarily because you wanna have sex tonight. I mean i don’t know. Do you wanna have sex tonight. Road put like to have some sex shit in your head. Didn’t respond back. I’ve gotten event. Tonight so i will do it but i’m not going to be full of energy. What did you say though is this is also for me. It’s also situational. Like i noticed that When we go away somewhere. I’m i’m more just do different things when we’re if we go on a holiday or something. I might be more flirtatious with you throughout the day or do things a little bit differently whereas right now he’s still laughing tonight or can you tell how your flirtation i should really know years ago so i want to be affectionate with you but years ago. You were like you don’t you you. You’ve very rarely do you touch me and i’m like well. You know i feel like in my head. I touch you a lot. But then i realized over the course of a couple of days that you’re right. I’m like i don’t do that. Even though i think i’m doing it so then i started to to to be more conscious about how often i was touching you in that actually started translating into more affection later on or throughout the day. Like you said. I guess it was the sex seeds that you marlowe were talking about Let’s go back to chance around that. You being flirt. Emma hager no. I want to know because we you know. How do you flirt. i’m interested will it certainly not with my words. No i’m not challenging you i. I’m interested in mountain. Range lamb feel like nine nine. No i’m interested in how you define it our defined flirtation to me like. Tell me how you’ve learned with my flirtation with you is is really through touch like i think. That’s what it is. I i i mean there’ve been little times where i’ve played into some of the fantasies that i think you know you’ve expressed to me or perhaps it i’ve expressed to you Playing with power dynamics. Or or things like that or even Like some forms of domination and i don’t mean that i am super dominant just holding you’re grabbing you a little bit harder tighter or kissing you harder or more passionately and i’m just not. I’m not good at flirting i. I actually disagree with that. I think you’re i think you’re really flirtatious. So even though. I was laughing when i asked the question. I’m flexing flirt. Decay girl champagne. Mount ray lamb so i actually find you quite flirtatious and i guess everybody’s definition or flirtatious different. But because you’re so charming and you’re funny. And can i tell you that brennan. I woke up and we’re in tears this morning laughing at the lawyer who showed up to the hearing on zoom. This made my. This made my week with the cat filter. And i’m sure most people have seen this But it is so funny. He sounds like bill clinton. He’s not from arkansas. he’s from texas but he’s got an sure most of you have seen it and we’ll have a chuckle. Those of you have in their on zoom meeting with a judge and he says year and the judge says appears you have a filter. So he’s showing up as a cat. Is dr down to the bottom of the screen. They say you’re not supposed to describe visual and audio mediums. But i can’t let myself. But then he says he says i’m here live. I’m not a cat. Even as we’re talking and laughing i can feel the tension or my stress levels starting to drop so i think i was gonna say i think very funny. And that’s the flirtation. I agree but i think that me making jokes or making light of the situation is also way for me to relax myself before having sex or the relations is find you petition in your own way your first of all. I think it’s cultural. You’re canadian you’re like you’re a hot closer postpone just like having spent time in my teenage years in jamaica.
00:20:15 – 00:25:06
There’s a different way that folks will communicate with you. When they’re interested is that the jamaican men that i’ve seen express interest in somebody else have been the most eloquent like the most passionate. I’m i’m enthralled i’m listening. You like where we going a yen. It’s not the jamaicans overall like it’s not like all men are eloquent. And if you live in flirtation it’s just that the culture itself to me is is more flirtatious. Culture is more playful culture like the laughter is just different. And so i’ve taken us right off topic. And i need to go back to this question but i just want to say that. I do think. I like your flirtation. I love your flirtation For me when you flirt with me. It’s about paying attention to me. You know it’s all the kite all the little acts of service so you mentioned physical affection. But you’re acts of service are kind of never ending like you made me my espresso machado this morning. You made me one in the afternoon. I had a bunch of video shoots today so you were fiddling with all the equipment and fighting with the fighting with the light and you know it’s that i didn’t have to do that so i could fix my hair like and you of your own. Apparently you have a job. Her own company. So yeah. it’s i think that you flirt in all those different ways and in showing me that you care and showing me that you’re attentive it makes me feel connected to you. And that’s that’s not necessarily about initiating sex but it’s laying the groundwork so if we were to go back specifically to sexual initiation oh my goodness you have so many options so too so just to keep things fresh as you’re asking so you could watch porn together. You could even put on a movie with a bunch of sex scenes hopefully not bridgeton. I did not like those sex scenes but do You could read her a sexy story. You could surprise her in the shower and just down on her and then move into the bed for other types of sex. You could wake her up with oral. You could wake her up with a toy. You could leave a toy on the bed. You could leave a note letting her know what you want to do or what you want her to do. You can blindfold her and touched her her entire body. Only with the backs of your hands for five to ten minutes. You can get some massage oil and start at her fingertips while you look her in the eyes and slowly work your way up to her shoulders. You can put her on her stomach and you use different tools to stimulate the back of her body. You can be physically playful. You can dance. You can touch. You can wrestle around so these are just kind of a few options. I mean the. I don’t know if they compared to the polk from behind but just some some thoughts. I really thought you were going to give me more than the pope. Put me on the spot even thinking about things that this person could do for their partner. What i’ve done is. I’ve just paid attention to what it is that you’ve said to me you ve liked in the past and then made a real effort to try and follow through. Even when i feel like mike specifically like you said you’d liked to be you like to be looked at or admired. And i used to like a juicy stay sure or fill or tofu but when i used to see you and admire you in the shower and i would i would do it and a but i don’t think i would do it in a way that let you notice that i was really looking at you know on when i’m in the shower and i see ten eight fingers reach around the door and your is just pure in like a creep. Thank you but what i’m saying. Is i realize that what i mean that i wasn’t conveyed to you that that’s what you really liked so as as somewhat awkward as it was for me to kind of sit there for the first time and to really admire you. I did that. And i hope that i mean it certainly worked but i think that you liked it and then it turns into something else so it was just what it was trying to say is just be willing to of push. Maybe your comfort zone in terms of what your partner is looking for like Having a conversation or or you know considering what kind of fantasy and that the appeals to them yen also realizing that like what. I like might make someone else uncomfortable like some people. Don’t wanna be admired in the shower. you know i for me. It always goes back to how you make your partner feel so i talk often about the core erotic feeling how does she want a field as she wanna feel sexy or loved or powerful or submissive. Because sex’s so much more than the physical and the emotional to me is often the most powerful so i hope i hope this helps.
00:25:06 – 00:30:07
Thanks brennan furniture. Think i helped at all. But you’re welcome. At least we got to talk about the cat video. If you haven’t seen the lawyer as a cat google that you’ll just i mean i. I’ve watched it like eight times today. So our next question. They didn’t give me any information about who they are aware. They are but they said. What are the apology languages. I saw you talk about them. Briefly on your g so most people have heard of the five love languages and apology. Languages are from the same creator. Gary chapman on a partner and so they suggest that there are five languages of apology. And you need to understand which language your partner wants you to speak so the five languages of apology and there’s going to be some caveats here okay. I’ll explain what it is. But i have some stuff to say about. This are expressing regret accepting responsibility making restitution genuinely repenting requesting forgiveness. Now i just want to bring up. That chapman’s work is route is rooted in religion and You know have seen many criticisms of his work around It being exclusionary being very hetero focused That doesn’t mean that we can’t learn something from it but the theory is that you have to figure out what matters most your partner and of course. I’m sure he has quiz. I didn’t even go look for it honestly And i knew quizzes are attractive. But i really wanna encourage people and suggest that the best way to figure out what your partner wants whether it’s in bed whether it’s pertains to an apology whether it’s you know what they want on their chicken wings the best way to figure out is to ask them so not once right so if i ask you what sauce on your chicken wings today and you say honey garlic. That doesn’t mean that every time we have chicken wings you must want honey garlic sauce similarily when it comes to apologies whether it’s with an intimate partner anyone else in your life. What we want from that apology can vary from situation to situation from person to person and so all of these things you know the expression of regret taking responsibility making restitution repenting requesting forgiveness. Those things can all matter. But i don’t think it’s as simple as you know. Here’s the one that i need I think you know these components can all be important depending on what. You’re apologizing for so. I don’t believe that any of these things you know. Even lovling which is evenly core roddick filling. They’re not static or mutually exclusive. I think it’s a decent place to start the conversation when apologising like to figure out what is it listen. I’m genuinely sorry. I want to make this right and to understand how i can do that. Sure I think the framework is helpful as a starting point but also it can be really reductionist and it can be limiting and this is something. We talked about briefly when we had dr jeannette julian. We were talking about Attachment styles that you know. It’s fine as a framework but as humans were fluid rightly. We don’t have this one thing. It’s not an you know an amulet that you wear and never ever change. I don’t know why chose. An invalid is very strange. Strange just came into my mind so it’s a good place to start the conversation but an another piece. That’s really important around the love languages around the apology. Languages around attachment styles is that these systems are western. And i think it was on your diagnostic nonsense instagram or talks about this in greater depth. And i’m always reminded of that that these when we come up with these systems that are created in the west for the west. They don’t necessarily consider cross cultural experiences so they might be helpful to you. And if they are that’s cool. I don’t want despaired something that’s helpful to you. i just want you to realize that. They’re not universally helpful so if they’re not helpful for you that’s okay too right. So that’s the apology. Which is brandon. You always complain. That i put you on the spot but this question is for you because first of all folks sometimes rate in and say how much they love brandon and i love that and then there is someone who wrote something about how i love how she lets her husband talk and i loved that i was like i do not by name says jessica. O’reilly’s husband so this person says my question is for brandon. You’ve spoken a few times about how you used to fly off the handle in conflict and now have learned to keep your cool while also honoring your own feelings. I’m a hothead. I know it. And i just feel my blood boiling whenever my girlfriend and i fight So how did you learn to keep your cool.
00:30:07 – 00:35:01
This is a young person’s who’s a college student while it took a long time for me to learn. Unfortunately because i feel like. I didn’t think a lot about why i was blowing off the handle. Like i was losing my cool and i had this behavior modeled growing up so i didn’t really know much differently so when i started realizing i i noticed. Initially it was physical like it was a physiological response that That i started so once. They started figuring out that these triggers were happening. I could identify them. And then be like okay. I know where. I’m headed right. It’s like i can feel myself getting antsy. My heart is racing. And i feel like when i get really upset. It’s like the blood doesn’t run to my rush to my brain to help me think so. When i started noticing those triggers i started breathing like take using some of the Some of the tools at my disposal to bring myself back down before i started losing my cool so acknowledging those physiological sensations engaging some of the tools to like bring them back down so some some deep breathing even just something as simple as Standing up and walking around pacing helped me a little bit Sometimes i’d rub rub the palm of my hand To help focus on just bring attention to sensation. And then once i was able to recognize where i was headed i could then start talking to myself and say you know what you’ve done in the past. You know how you tend to respond. Don’t respond that way. So how you know. And then from that point it was just like okay so if i’m not gonna respond that way what is it. I’m you know. I’m actively i would have to actively listen pay attention take responsibility for what the issue was like. These things are a lot easier for me to understand in the moment when i can think about them rationally so it was really for me. The the the big i guess. Eye-opener was realizing that these physiological sensations triggered this blowing of steam So if i could temper those down than i was able to control how. I responded and then i was able to respond or i’m able to respond much more rationally logically able to listen to jess. We’re in an argument. Rather than have things kind of just reverberate off of me or rebound of me and not actually absorb. What’s being said. I could have a whole podcast just about this new. I think it’s really interesting that you start with the physical. I was gonna ask about something else to do with like your greatest fear like win win you act when you respond with rage. Is there an underlying fear like fear of being wrong. A fear of being left behind a fear of like have you had to overcome any of that. I think the fear was more this fear of doing something wrong and chances are i. I mean if i m wrong. i’ve done something wrong. I need to acknowledge that. Need to accept that and that in itself was probably the most difficult especially when and again making reference to an argument that you. And i just you and i are having. I don’t wanna do anything to hurt you number one. I don’t wanna do anything. I have deep-rooted fear of doing something just wrong like being at fault for things so i wouldn’t want there to be any sort of circumstance where i could have done something wrong and ultimately you just have to take responsibility for your actions sometimes so you know all of this ultimately though came from the ability my ability to just take some deep breaths. Rub your hand. You know where you’re headed. Don’t go there so like even when we’re fighting you rub your hand not so much anymore. I find now just now you scratch your but not just the breathing and knowing where i’m headed means that i’m able to control in an nocco there so i wanna ask this process. Can you know what. I described as complex and it takes some time and energy. Have you found over time that you don’t have to enact all of those behaviors because it’s become more natural for you because and that’s what i was saying at the beginning of took a long time to get there and it was because you know in the circumstance you need to get into that situation to recognize it to not let it happen and it doesn’t. It doesn’t just happen immediately. At least for me it took on the number. And i apologize now of arguments for me to start really having some success so not just three not just that. But that that’s i mean and it takes time so having having a partner.
00:35:01 – 00:40:00
I think who knows that you’re working on these things and you know is empathetic to your took to you. And and of course. You’re doing the same for them ultimately results in a long term win for everybody. Well i’m regressing. Have you noticed. I don’t know. I just feel like i get more angry more quickly lately and i think it relates for me to anxiety right my. I’m i’m allowing society person who’s experiencing higher levels than baseline for myself anxiety since While ten months nine eleven months ago a not in it’s not actually so much specifically about covid. ’cause i’m of course one of the privileged people who can work from home. Who can stay safe and isn’t on the front lines and you know isn’t working in a grocery store and living in a province where i really i can. Just sit in my house and be safe. So it’s not related to the pandemic itself is related to the way my lifestyle change like sitting still and being in one spot and not having much adrenaline and not having as much excitement and not meeting new people. All of those things i think. Help to attenuate my need for very quick pace and fast change. And i don’t have that now so my anxieties higher because my anxieties higher sometimes inger is triggered by other feelings right it could be guilt could be anxiety. It could be other things for me. It’s anxiety so sam regressing like. You’re not even gonna wanna answer this. But i’m i’m you have. You noticed that. I flipped faster. I definitely have. But i. But i’ve i’ve been doing the same to i mean. I was so frustrated this afternoon. I was you mentioned getting this. Getting everything set up for your your videos and audio recordings if you come down. It was almost being fixated by these chords trying to set them up. I mean i was gonna lose my crap. The cords were alive. But it’s something that wouldn’t normally bothering me i’m i. I was thinking how. I just want to punch this table. Like what is section to accomplish. But everybody i feel that in my circle has just been much more irritable since since this pandemic began in. I think it’s it’s just the change in this forced change that we’ve all been subjected to and it’s worse of course for people who don’t have the same access to safety rightly so for folks who are already living in the margins in some way for folks who are forced to go to work. People are living in regions. Where you know prophet. I guess is prioritized over public safety. There are places that are safe like the east coast canada. You know they don’t really have any cases and whatnot. Were were very lucky in her situation and yet still feeling very frustrated. So thank you brandon. I thought you were going to just delay and try not to answer that question so i thought that was really helpful for. I hope that helps me that this. What works for me and i’m sure once you figure out what works for you. I mean over time it will work again. It all goes back to communicating with your partner. I think if you’re convicted on that you really do want to to improve in that realm you know. They’re they’re gonna listen. They’re gonna hear you and they’re gonna they’re gonna probably be more patient with you especially if you talk about that when you’re not fighting right like to go back and say listen when i get riled up You know i saw you yesterday. You’re sitting on the stairs. And i was giving you a hard time about some work stuff like not giving you a hard time just pushing you on some issues that i felt i don’t know might be helpful to be pushed on and i could see that you’re you’re getting upset. I was and i’m curious even in that moment. How do yourself again. it just goes back to. I mean now. I thinking back on the moment i didn’t even think of the breathing or or any of those relaxation Responses that i initially started with. I felt like i was able to do that by default. What i really had to focus on yesterday in that moment when you were pushing me so hard and challenging me in a good way was to listen. I was like just listen to what’s being said because immediately i used to put up these barriers. It was like no no no answer. Everything like firing back with these answers in. It’s like no. Just listen for a minute. And i mean yeah it was so like you’re so good at growth know you are it it worked. I got through it. You survived me. I’m super impressed with you. Okay let’s tackle more quickly so this is a simple question. What percentage of people actually cheat a twenty four percent. So when we look at you know in aggregate of studies. It’s about a quarter of people admit to having cheated but that doesn’t mean that that’s the total number who have ever cheated but that’s the total number admitting that they’ve cheated in their relationships so you know it might be probably higher than that but it was. I thought oh maybe higher and of course cheating is defined differently by different people.
00:40:00 – 00:43:49
It’s individual sculler. A lot of gendered. There are a lot of different things that play. We’ll leave it at that and get to one more this person rates. I want my boyfriend to be more dominant in bed. He’s gentle and slow and loving. And i like that. But how do i tell him to be more aggressive. I’m twenty two. He’s twenty five okay. I that that’s a really interesting question. Because i do wonder if he’s gentle and loving and slow because there has been so much emphasis on having men in particular slowdown and tune in to the sensual and emotional elements of connection which is all well and good but i think the bottom line is that there’s no universal formula so even if ninety nine people want their partners to slow down they’ll always be one who wants them to speed up. Even if ninety nine people like a gentle caress there will always be one who wants it rougher and and that’s cool because there are no universal rules but i worry that in trying to address and undo the damage of gendered stereotypes especially as they pertain to sex. I wonder if we have accidentally made the mistake of rewriting new rules instead of just focusing on doing what feels good for you and expressing your needs openly. And so that’s it. I mean how do you let him know you let him know what you like. You show them with your hands. You tell them what you want to hear you show him a character from a show who’s dominant. Sexual personality appeals to you. You guide him. You treat him how you want to be treated sometimes and let him know that you’re modeling. The behavior and i think it’s important to remember that when we ask for something different or new we are not disparaging. What came before that and we need to be really open to both asking and receiving these new requests as well when our partner wants something new. It doesn’t mean they want to discard all that is old. It’s an addition not a substitution and a zero sum game. He dropped some bombs. They’re things you’re you’re charles boyle you know on on that note. That is all the time we have for today. Like sitting down and chatting with you like this. You put me on the spot somewhere. Yeah you know. People always tells me how much they appreciate your insights. I love it. I think any time people can share with each other and just hear other people’s stories. I think it’s only going to help you or us Improve our relationships improve ourselves. And you know. I i wish we could. You know i’d love to talk more to people in here. What their stories are and what questions they have. So keep them coming. Yeah you don’t have to be an expert to be guest so if if there are people who wanna share stories and insights. I mean we don’t have to be an expert. That was like so. Yeah for sure. So so do reachout Thank you so much for listening. Please do subscribe review and share. And of course thanks to this new partnership with raw walgreens folks highly. Encourage you to check out the options around. Hiv counseling and prep via walgreens dot com slash prep. That’s walgreens dot com slash p. r. e. p. Wherever you’re at hope you have a wonderful week. We’ll be back next. Friday and every friday with a brand new episode. You’re listening to the sex with dr jasser. Podcast improve your sex life improve your life.