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Sex with Dr. Jess


February 26, 2021

Trauma Responses in Sex & Relationships

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  • How are trauma and liberation linked?
  • How does trauma show up in the body? And how can you begin to heal?
  • How does trauma play out in sex and relationships?
  • How can you support a partner who has experienced sexual trauma?
  • How do you talk to a new partner if you’re a survivor of sexual assault?
  • How can therapists improve the way they support clients and what can clients ask of therapists to improve their experience in therapy?

Therapist Rafaella Smith-Fiallo of Healing Exchange & Afrosexology joins us to share her perspective, expertise and advice. She explores pleasure politics, liberation psychology, social justice, and embodiment as approaches and tools for healing.

Follow Rafaella on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Based on the discussion in this podcast, check out the latest events from Afrosexology here. Click here to learn more about Healing for Bibliophiles.

Also, consider the You For You Retreat in October 2021, I hope to see you there!

Please see here for a rough version of this transcript.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Trauma Responses in Sex & Relationships

00:00:05 – 00:05:00

You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey i’m on my own. Today’s songs brandon because he got tied up with something big at his work. Bud i am thrilled to get the chance to chat with and interview. Rafael follow of healing exchange. She is a brilliant therapist specializing in relationships sacks trauma she is also the co creator of a powerhouse in our industry. Afra- sexology doing incredible work. That is pleasure centered sex positive and really centers the sexual liberation of black folks but before raffaela joins us. I i want to quickly talk about our leaders. Partnership with walgreens because this partnership is intended to raise awareness around hiv prevention including access to prep which is pre exposure prophylaxis. It’s a daily pill to prevent hiv transmission and it is over ninety nine percent effective at preventing transmission via sexual activities. So your are your local walgreens. Pharmacist can help to ensure that you access it at no cost possibly through the ready set prep program and you can just walk into a store to your walgreens and asked to talk to the pharmacist in pharmacist in private. You don’t have to give any more information than that or you can learn more at walgreens dot com slash prep. That’s walgreens dot com slash p. r. e. p. Now i also wanna talk about another project. I’m working on called the you for you retreat and. I’m really excited for this. I know we’ve all obviously pulled back from retreats and in person events and travel for the last year. But i’m optimistic that you know with the current vaccination plan hopefully will be able to travel again at the end of twenty twenty one and so i’m going to be part of a retreat at temptation. Resort in october and temptation is actually topless. Optional resort with a. It’s very cool very modern and it’s got a really definitely an erotic vibe at. It’s actually the sister resort to desire resorts which i talk about. Autumn and this retreat is the retreat. I’m working with is specifically for women but people of all genders will be there are many people will bring their partners. Various genders and it’s hosted by alluring interventions. I’m going to be facilitating a workshop and spending some time with the group. So if you feel like you need something to look forward to and you feel like you’ll be ready to travel to sunny cancun and please do check it out. I will link it in the show notes and you can check out You for you dot com or you for you retreat on i g or if you google alluring interventions you’ll get it as well and i knew that october feels really far off but were actually quite booked up. I know that. I checked a couple of weeks ago in their only eight spots left so i haven’t had an update in a few weeks but i know it will fill up and i’m i’m really looking forward to it so if you are coming let me look forward to seeing you on the beach all right enough talking to myself missing my partner in crime brand and i need some company you know. I am excited to learn from raffaelo. Her work centers liberation psychology pleasure politics social justice storytelling and embodiment as tools for healing in. She joins me now. Welcome welcome raffaella doing doing great. Thank you so. Mike how are you. I’m good how are you navigating these big shifts to your work. You’re no longer. I suppose travelling and doing workshops Yes no not. And that is heartbreaking. Because had some great places lined up last year specifically But you know why it’s been it’s been nice to kind of transition my practice into a virtual practice which is something i wanted to do and i was kind of forced to some things came out of it. That would really great another things. Not so great but we. I’ve been adjusting as much as i can in everyone else’s good good now when you can finally maybe get on an airplane and eat that delicious airplane food again Where do you wanna go. That’s acco overwhelmed by that question because there is only places i was supposed to go last year and i love food so centering by vacations around cuisine is definitely a thing But i would love to go back to puerto rico.

00:05:00 – 00:10:03

Some friends and i were supposed to go for our yearly our annual gathering that we do and so we always talk about puerto rico because it’s so accessible enclosed in be on the list but i am going to be gone ecuador this year. That’s what my father’s from and Yeah so that’s one of the lowest ecuador interesting. I said monday. We’ll see what happens. Yeah i know. I wonder if you’re seeing this in your practice or feeling it personally that we felt as though the closing out of twenty twenty would lead to something new right like a refresher or restart and we do that. Psychologically like for me for example. The beginning of september and the beginning of january are sort of restarts. But we we feel as though we’ve missed out on it this year are you seeing that A lot of people have like you know new year. You me vibes energy. They’re setting intentions. They’re doing the end of year. Evaluations to see what they want to change what they want more of. And then now it’s almost the middle of january and it’s where at time even go what is time even exactly and it all just running together because it’s the same thing happening and there’s just more tragedy coming and going and so there hasn’t really been like a true demarcation from when we started all of this almost a year ago so right in a year ago we did. We certainly wouldn’t have most of us didn’t see that we’d still be in this situation. But i’m happy you’ve been able to work online and find some positive in terms of creating a more digital practice and you know i’m such a fan of all your work and specifically i love affects login oftentimes when i recommend afro sexology so many folks get so excited that there is a specific resource for them and buy them. What within the field of sexology in therapy. Sometimes i hear a little bit of resistance or incredulity that sexuality in liberation are so closely linked. And you have to kind of cultivate the by and so i’d love for you to explain. Why pleasure politics and liberation psychology go hand in hand and maybe flesh out what these terms mean. What what our pleasure politics. What is liberation psychology. And why are they so important. Hand in hand with one another. Yes absolutely so. Liberation psychology is just like a social ecology psychologist and approach that really understand how oppressed folks impoverished folks in communities Survive right looking at the structures that impact existence an how to we understand implications of what is happening to folks bodies that liberties freedoms their access to education and resources So that way we can better to dismantle on have dialogues to change those systems and create aspects in which folks can actually thrive not just survive. So really you know seeks to just understand practices to better support resilience in survival and thriving is how i kind of break it down with folks and foreclosure politics. I mean pleasure is all everyone is talking about pleasure in. I absolutely love it So within the works of Allergy we really center. I work around pleasure. Because it’s such a vital aspect of knowing what want who we are what we desire to have these conversations with ourselves and our families and our partners especially to create an environment that is not own welcoming to us but that is nourishing to us in that can help us derive because for so many folks especially marginalized folks especially You know folks who have these conversations every day you know so we definitely recognize that there is privilege and having access to this education into these organizations and communities invest. Why so important for us. Six allergy to think of accessibility as well. Because we don’t wanna be Folks are people organization where you know. People can’t really attend things which is not accessible or literally. The event is not assessable because of maybe as interpretation reputation or something like that. And i think that have happened. Oftentimes where it kinda has elite feel when it comes to education in comes to some of these organizations in. It’s like sometimes. The words are using actually are inaccessible because of health Barriers right. And so i think whom we really focus our word in our stations around pleasure to understand that that is leaked try.

00:10:03 – 00:15:03

Liberation knowing what feels good to our body is absolutely late to our relationships what we will not tolerate with our how we have conversations listening to our gut our instinct which is basically the nervous system right invests a huge part in our healing in understanding trauma That is heavily leaked to our liberation in for us we can talk about sexual liberation. We know that’s linked to our economic. Our social political immigration right. And so some folks that you have to have this conversation to To link it so it doesn’t feel like oh we’re just talking about sex and fun pleasure but the truth of the matter is is that so many folks oppression is based on their bodies which is linked to their pleasure which is linked to our nervous system. Right and so for me. That’s how i break it down. That’s how lincoln altogether that’s why so important. Read it ashore. Thank you so much for that and you talk about. All these topics that are intermingled oppression trauma the body. The nervous system. And i’d like to talk about trauma caused your area of specialty or one of your areas of specialty. When we think of trauma we tend to think rather myopically in terms of physical violence or assault or a specific incident that you know felt or looked traumatic or was assigned to be traumatic Trauma is experienced in so many ways. So how do you begin to define trauma first and foremost. I like to break down. Just very simply because people question. You wouldn’t imagine how many people i see online at Office who who denied their trauma. Who question their trauma because it wasn’t as bad as that got right or a friend who went through this than i didn’t have that experience so i have isn’t trauma right so we’re really good in our society and making trauma combat war making it look like no The sushi and making it look like only sexual trauma things that are very violent innocence. So i think that’s very intentional. Because if people questioning that they’ve experienced trauma then we are more likely to put up with certain things relationships in our in our our day to day. And you know so. I think that’s very strategic in that sense but to break down very simply. I just said any situation that overwhelmed your capacity to to regulate To be in your body anything that was causing hugh fear anything that caused harm. So i like to break it down simply like bad so that we can start to affirm invalidate those experiences in. Say that to trauma and he doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s trauma. I appreciate that so much and so we often talk about trauma response and wonder if you would also take a stab at defining that term and go help kind of give us some examples of how trauma response plays out in dating in sacks and even wanna talk about friendships so maybe we start with trauma response and then how trauma effects how we date or even if we dated all absolutely so i i just wanna say that are trump Are not only common but their normal when we look at just the way that our bodies respond and so were looking at things like just simple exhaustion confusion filling nam disassociating physical or physiological responses like increased heart rate sweating But also things like second guessing ourselves A change in their own self and the world in relationships that were in. So i’ve seen so trust in issues with boundaries within south to be very much linked to experiences of trauma with will probably talk about more in later on so a lot of responses that are late to Our mental stay wellbeing emotional. It also can be financial some financial responses Yes so it’s not just the oh i hear fire. What is it calling on fireworks right. And i’m on the floor or their car backfired. I thought it was a gun. And i’m you know underneath the table right so it doesn’t have to be those really big startled responses in subtle but also very pervasive in that sense in ongoing right. I really appreciate even the example of second guessing ourselves and how that can be a trauma response. And i don’t mean know considering. Multiple options are wondering if you’re correct but really the inertia the paralysis face never thinking.

00:15:03 – 00:20:02

Maybe that they’re good enough or smart enough or deserving enough or qualified enough and all of these things tie into components of identity. I’m not telling you. I know you know like issues of race ethnicity gender age and i see it in the sexological field with young black women who are totally qualified calling themselves like an aspiring sexologist or an aspiring. You’re there. I’m telling you i’m learning from you. I’ve been doing this a long time. I guess i’m one of the older people here now all of a sudden. I don’t know when that happened. But i do. I do think that that’s tied to their age race and gender and then you have folks who maybe don’t have a background and are just borrowing our work or taking our work you know slapping expert on because they discovered something new about themselves and i do think that those people tend to come from a different background. Yeah so that that second guessing of self. I love that you put that against jumping under the table. Cat rights so drama doesn’t have to be so visible it can be so emotionally taxing. I think over the last year. There’s you know big ben I mean longer than that. But specifically around cove. Ed collective trump. Are you seeing this. Play out in practice home. My gosh lutely and that is really. It’s really hard to To work with at times. Because when you’re talking about it individual’s situation there are different. You know different interventions that you can that you can employ any who practice but when you have someone come in who says i just loss. Another family member right due to covid due to community violence due to talapity From police offers due to all these things are A variety of other things that are happening in their own communities. It’s like that sense of control can be completely shattered in so we work really hard with regulating our nervous system creating safety in our household And then it starts to feel like nothing safe I can’t do anything about it. And that is something. That i’ve seen again and again and again in office because it’s kinda like this idea of what am i next or is someone else i love next and is the end. There’s nothing i can do about it. So you feel really stuck. Very disempowering is not helpful at all when the systems in place that tell us that they are in place to protect us to help us into barack. Resources are actually not so. It’s like where do we go to support. And we’re trying to harbor the resources within our community. That can be traumatizing. Because they may have may have been harmony community already or they may not be on the same page so we can look at how folks are responding to our government. Oppressive systems kobe in that people have different relationship to them right to their power due to their access Privilege and so sometimes it is hard to reach back out to community because not everyone sees the problems as the same on feels isolating shore and those feelings that lack of safety that isolation does that affect our relationships. How how do we engage in relationships differently because we are so exhausted from trying to find safety within systems that aren’t necessarily designed to protect everybody. Yeah so we look at that. That spectrum of one side complete isolation. The other side is just Going out and doing everything because what the what the hell better do it. Because i might not make it might not survive and then a lot of things in the middle but i wanna i wanna stick on those two ends really quickly. Because that’s what. I often especially with Some back votes sis men who i know or they tell me that. They didn’t think they were going to live past a certain age so a lot of behaviors that they engaged in were very with defined as high-risk writing a bit partying the drug. Use the people that are involved in whatever the cases in bending make it passer age in life on why. This is not sustainable. I can’t keep looking like this. In a lot of pain. Emotionally physically that i’ve i’ve buried repressed suppressed and now that i’m still here.

00:20:03 – 00:25:02

Is there something. I want to change. That can have a better quality of life lived. One that i feel like is worth me. You know And that’s something. I don’t think a lot of folks while saying not a lot of folks but when it comes to just by cultural competency just ending the violence that occurs in the black community. How bad shown up in just the portrayal of sell for the understanding of self or valuable work of so it can be really hard to to untangle that that concept of self worth when so much of it has been based around just survival and then you get the point where maybe move out of a certain neighborhood or you have money or you feel more secure or you just have understanding that i’m alive. I’m actually here nothing to do something about it. I really treated a lot of this by men. would just understanding in china explore. What is pleasure. Like outside of Like overconsumption or wins rooted in this. This fear that. If i don’t do it now i never will get to because i might not literally be alive. You know if that makes sense absolutely makes sense and it really speaks to why we need not just culturally competent therapist but black therapists and on thinking about the therapists who are listening. If they are not black and they’re dealing with populations are i mean. I guess if you’re dealing with any client outside of your race like we see that label of course culturally competent slapped on and it to me. It often sometimes. It’s because they’ve really done a lot of work and continue to do work and are actively working to be antiracist and sometimes. It’s it’s a marketing tag. So can you offer some insights to white therapists and non black people of color therapists in terms of what we ought to be mindful of and where we i don’t know about where we can do more learning. We really can’t find that if we want to. What what what do you want us to be. Mindful of that perhaps is not at the forefront of discussions even among people who are trying to be culturally competent The first thing that comes to mind is Really have a dialogue with yourself. Like just need get real as hell with yourself. Ask yourself questions about where you think. You are because in our field. What i’ve noticed is you get your license. You maintain your your Your your e us and sometimes that’s that’s it right so unless you’re pursuing specific protocol regarding trauma or new Are really the type of person who just wants to have a better understanding of some of these interventions. Some folks take cultural competency because they have to because it’s part of their their with their licenses. They have to take every two or three years. Whatever cases right And so really asking yourself. Is this something that i know i struggle with. Would my clients say in. Are you asking your clients for feedback. I asked my clients every session. What worked what didn’t work. Would you like more of or less of from me. How did this go every single session in. I let them know in the consultation that this is something that i expect because this is your process. I’m here to help in the guide and be a resource but this is all about you so just like if you were getting your hair. Done your nails on eating food or at the restaurant anywhere. Happy with something and you wanna take it back. I want you to feel comfortable telling you the same thing because unfortunately there is a hierarchy yet where we feel that within the medical system. You can’t say they should. You can’t use of air be uncomfortable in question if you’re getting good care or do your research before and after your appointment to see what’s going on because you only get fifteen minutes if at like eight minutes now actually and so i really try to to make to be very clear but also follow through with is as of a no because i think off air for the say that this is collaborative journey in here to help on the roadmap for healing. Whatever you know something like that but do we follow through with that right on do we in the end thinks that we know best novus or have some esoteric like this expertise that no one else can access. I often tell people to be more demanding of their therapists. Tell them what you want. You want them to listen more. I mean that’s less less less common or you want them to speak. If you want their perspective you can ask for it. I really appreciate that approach of how did this go. what worked. and what didn’t So far therapist listening. Perhaps they can implement that on their own. But for those of us who are going to therapists.

00:25:02 – 00:30:12

How can we get our therapist. Do this like how do we. How do we open that conversation too. I guess assist or guide our therapists or counselors or coaches to be more collaborative. How can we get them to ask us. How did it go how. How can we start that conversation to share. You know what this is really helpful for me and this isn’t as helpful for me I would say so for someone just starting out. Use your consultation like an interview of sorts right so you’re not as invested in terms of the relationship so you don’t have that because you know having been that fear or not wanting to ruffle the feathers of being people. Plays it like keyser. Like those things are real right so which we can work on so right at the beginning before you have that concern. Get on that stuff out there asking them. How do you receive feedback. Well frank How can i expect to get feedback from you. So having this conversation with expectation that i wanna talk about what’s working. I want to ask questions. I wanna be able to switch ears if needed Asking them about how they do treatment planning and follow through treatment planning. Because i have folks to come in is yeah. I i get homework but my dad. Never ask about it. You know so. I just stopped doing it. Because i knew there were going to ask about it right or i’ll ask your treatment goals and this is from clients in friends like what’s your treatment goals treatment goals. What are you working on. It all wanna wanna feel more confident. Well how’d you get near. What does that look like. And they don’t know right so in for some people they don’t want them much structure so figuring out just how to have the conversation with your therapists of what is their p look like. What can this is what i expect. How did how do you feel hearing that. And if they are resistant to it then you okay well. That interview didn’t go up. I got the information i needed. I’m gonna go onto to the next next consultation. So i think it’s a very good practice in communication skills boundaries and talking about our needs In being able to to ask those questions right because this is still a relationship where we have to practice all of those all of those things and oftentimes in theory feels like it’s a different type of space is a different type of relationship. But to me i look at it as an opportunity to actively try out those skills and do it to right where have client sometimes clients. Want to give gifts right for christmas or things like that and so you know that is a practice for me. If i’m like well. I hear the same things like. Why don’t want to hurt their feelings. And i know there are three days except but that’s also way to demonstrate boundaries and demonstrate having tough or difficult or uncomfortable conversations to let them know that they can do to right. You can even call it out and say all thank you so much and you know what honestly this is hard for me to say because i was thinking about You know. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but i i just can’t accept this gift but thank you so much for thinking of me and i can say day. I didn’t turn down a gift. That’s what the. I didn’t even know i could do that. And i’m going to wrap up in the second. But i’m gonna tell you something that i experienced this when i was younger though but i had a really really good friend and one i hadn’t seen been in like maybe a year and a half two years one. I saw them. I was like oh my gosh. Hey girl to her. And i went in for a hug and they like gave me this weakest hug ever right and i was like dang like you didn’t wanna see me and she said well you know i’m not really a hugger and it clicked in my head and i i’m not a hug either but regrets social. You know like you’re supposed to people. And i was like i never knew that i could tell. I did not want to hug them. And so after that. I just went hugger. You can get this dab. I’m not a hugger absence. Been exploring that. Because i’m also survivor trauma but I have been exploring my relationship. Retouched specifically around hoods and so it’s changed a little bit But it’s just like when people will lose their truth in they exert their boundaries reminds us that we can do that reminder that oh we do have boundaries. He can say yes. We can’t say no because this person is not only that and so when we wrap it okay so taken it back to community trauma and our community experience. That’s why again can be difficult. Because all of us have very similar to a certain extent experiences with trauma in so when we don’t understand or exert our boundaries when we’re not in relationships that a healthy and supportive than our little kittles are seeing that in. So we’re sending the message that you can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t and they don’t have often as many examples of power in resilience and saying yes as enthusiastic rant right remember.

00:30:12 – 00:35:10

What the other question. Oh no i love everything you’re saying. I’m just listening and learning and taking it in your making me. Thinking of think about therapy and really want to advocate for themselves in therapy to get what they want out of therapy that you get to decide. I really appreciate even. You’re knocking better. Strategic plan a. One thing. I do i just have like an email open on my computer and whenever something comes up during the week that’s bothering me. It’s called therapy. That’s the subject line. Jot it down. And then i get into my session with my therapist. I you know. I say okay. Here’s what i want to cover today. Because i’ve only got the fifty minutes. I’m a huge talker. I talk about one sandwich for two hours. If you let me so i have my own plan of what i want to get out of it because it’s my time and my money absolutely and i. I’m sure i don’t know what the therapist if she thinks like. Oh she’s so aid type but this is just what works for me and i like to track it too because something that was bothering me on tuesday i may have forgotten it in my consciousness by friday when i talked to her. But it can still be bothering me in my body and you want to go back to it. So like i just feel like everything moves in out of my life really quickly and in and out of my head really quickly and so i need to jot it down. And that’s that’s my approach. But i do think folks need to think about what works for themselves so i. I really appreciate that language that you are offering as a therapist. How did this session go. What worked for you. And what didn’t and so. I hope folks will consider that for themselves now okay. I’m running out of time with you. But i have some questions about trauma and some of them come from listeners. Do you mind taking a stab at a few of them. Yes let’s go forward okay. So this one’s a little bit general. If you have a partner who has experienced sexual trauma. How can you be supportive. So for example if a partner tells you that they’ve had previous sexual assault. How can you respond can help us with language for how you respond on the spot and also ongoing babysitters to check in and show support. This is a big one. And i’m so happy l. Partners asking this so the first thing to understand is that is not about you as the partner because sometimes it can really personalize internalize still experienced rejection or we can feel angry in want to. You know of avenge for that person. Which the aetna self can be really scary right. So if someone’s telling you they’ve experienced harm responding with violence is not the way to go because then there might be concerned. That violence is ever going to be turned on me. You want to be mindful of your response. Yes very passionate. You want to show the person that you support them. But be mindful of your word you language in your body language that is not intimidating or potentially replicating the experience that they had also. This shouldn’t i mean. I’m not gonna say without saying because some hunting Subscribers need to listen to the need to lead believe need love and supported and we know in our system there’s just so much manipulation gas lighting And just a lack of acknowledgment of what people experience so making. Sure win at replicating. Those things in relationships is just activated. Very because if i know i can come to you as a partner in your listen to me. Then we can Do a lot of other things we’re creating trust in. We have transparency feel safe and supported so those are the top things And i think it’s important to consider one that you know not everyone discloses or wants to talk about their trauma history in detail and so it may take time When you are just trying to be supportive of getting the full picture because he might not ever get the full picture and it’s okay but then going back to remembering that it’s not about you. It’s about them so leaving it open to them to feel like they can say what they wanna say at their own pace and not pressure them to give you details because that. That’s just the a lot more traumatizing when it comes to when we talk about like intimacy and things like that. No that was the part of the question or I think overall. I think that this is a i mean. This isn’t something we can answer in five minutes or in one hour. But i think what you’ve said is so important that you know it’s natural to be curious right and You know if. I tell you how to really good meal. You’re gonna ask me a bunch of questions about it but having a really good meal isn’t the same as experience in trauma and so you have to kind of check your own curiosity and let them reveal as much as they want to that.

00:35:11 – 00:40:00

I just think that’s so important. But yes. please take us to intimacy. So i think moving forward with that as a solid base. We’re also talking about creating a safe environment So understanding that that also in the way we communicate it includes absolutely our consent in boundaries in creating a i want to say ritual on the word ritual but creating a pattern of consistency where i know in this relationship. We can have these conversations. That may be uncomfortable. And that’s okay because we’re gonna work through it because we’re here where we’re committed to one another and so it doesn’t have to trigger in nervous system that we’re going to run away in need right even when we need to take a break be. So when i’m with couples people get can get This regulated and in that state. You just can’t take in or give information way that’s productive or healthy in so you have to take a break and i had a couple. One time they said won’t the if they just stood up and said i’m taking a break in leaving i would feel really abandoned absolutely. That’s not how we do that right. So we have to acknowledge what’s happening in our bodies and say i’m feeling xyz. Use your words. So i would like to take a break and then we can come back and twenty five thirty minutes. And i wanna come back and have this conversation right. So you’re saying. I’m listening to my body. It’s okay for me to listen to my body and take a break so that means it’s okay for you to do the same The support this conversation and relationship is important to me until i will be back right. We need all of that happened in that and it took like thirty seconds for me to say right and that that’s so important. I think in any context when we need a break from a fight from an argument i was thinking about how the trauma response shows up when we get into an argument and any trauma response and i think about how important it is for me personally to hear. You know what this is a priority to me. Even though i’m taking a break and we’ll we’ll come back. And i’d like to know like is it thirty minutes. Is it three days. And everybody’s different of course but that reassure. The word that comes to mind for me is reassurance. Continue to offer your partner reassurance regardless of your of your backgrounds right this doesn’t have to be directly tied to the disclosure of an assault and i’d also like to get your insights on if somebody has experienced sexual assaults and they’re dating again. I often get the question. When do i tell a new partner. How do i tell a new partner. How do i disclose and i know. It’s a personal journey but because you work with so many folks and have such a you know a deep experience and knowledge of this area. What insights do you have to offer. Yes so i Realizing for yourself if that’s something that you want to share at the beginning or at all right so we can say what our what would we may be struggling with without saying why we’re struggling with it right so or you could say. I experienced something in the past. Where i didn’t feel safe where my boundaries weren’t listen to where consent was not honored or at age. I didn’t even realize that those things were things and that it was important rain so sometimes you can leave it open like that. There is a pressure sometimes to just do all this disclosing when he experienced trauma especially sexual trauma that can very invalidating so just taking a moment. To think about your. Why do i want to share this. Is it because. I’m feeling like i’m supposed to Or is because. I know something to i want to share right because you can also be left feeling very vulnerable in over expose by details to share. You weren’t moving ready for that. So i i’m a huge fan of journaling. I don’t even know how i have. Such a high case load clients journal. I don’t know. I don’t really advertise that much in terms of journal air fee. But i have a lot of training in using writing as a form of healing and So if you are creative in any aspect of writing or if you enjoyed dance or art or whatever the case is i would say. Tell your story there. That could be a great space to get some of that. Out in terms of release is to write it down yourself. I if you’re just feeling like i need to hurt someone to know but you’re not really sure ready for person to hear. Writing can be a great alternative of in the moment in. So i think that’s a great thing But also i mean it’s all based on your your comfort level. I think something has been helpful.

00:40:00 – 00:43:54

asking Partners by do they know anyone who has Been who identifies survivor. Anyone they know who’ve experience Sexual assault right knowing Because they might they may say no. And that’s very very very common. Because we don’t talk about it. There’s a lot of silence. Ron experiences. So people say. I don’t know anyone not you know someone because are really small right. It’s not one twenty one in no and if and it’s increasing like every couple of years because more we know we know it’s not wanting for right Statistic one afford one six four six men and women but that doesn’t account for trans folks and nonbinary folks so i honestly believe that is a lot smaller but we’ll see the research right on as we talk about it. More and more people are willing to not just answer honestly but admitted to ourselves So i you know. I’m just so appreciative. And you know in awe of all the work. You’re doing a healing. And i know you offer so many different options for people. I know you have a a monthly reading and writing club around mental health relationships sex in trauma healing for bibliophiles and do offer a range of right now online events around sensuality relationships masturbation. Where can folks find you and your work. I am healing chain everywhere with social media everywhere but does get on healing exchange that spilled healing traditionally g Yeah in you’ll learn everything. They’re interested in athletics. Where afro sexology everywhere. Oddly enough no one had a name to keep up with both of the both of those into sees. We have a lot of really good virtual things coming up for folks. So if you’re not completely zoomed out you should join us hossam. Well really thank you so much for your time. I have so many more questions. So i hope we get to chat again really appreciative of your perspective and your work and yet thank you so much for taking the time to share with us today. Thank you so much. It’s been a pleasure. I mean we’ve been talking about trauma but we’re talking about trauma in a way that people know there’s healing possible and breaking that silence right absolutely so. Yeah we absolutely encourage people to keep following your work. Checkout healing video files So many other resources on there and will link that in the notes. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I know i’m gonna get a bunch of messages asking for brandon. People don’t like when he’s away but fear not he’ll be back next week and he is going to have a full report on the ark wave so if you follow me on inside i posted about the arc wave. It was very popular post. I got a lot of questions about it. The arc wave is a brand new pleasure. Air toy for penises and it works with technology similar to the womanizer toys but with more intensity and pinpoints the friend ulum area of the penis to create what supposedly is a very very different sensation and a different type of orgasms. So i’m looking forward to that. I’m looking forward to hearing brandon’s report. I know he has tried. It and i wasn’t in the room but next time before our next session or before our next episode. I’d like to be in the room and get an idea of what it’s like if he’ll let me so yeah brennan will be back with arc. Wave next week and that is a wrap for today. I hope you’re hanging in there and taking good care of yourself today and every day you’re listening to the sex with dr jeff podcast improve your sex life improve your life.