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December 24, 2020

The Best Gift Ever! It’s Free & Last-Minute Friendly

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There is almost nothing better than sharing how you feel about your partner, and this “dating profile” gift is a simple, but powerful gift that keeps on giving. This week, Jess’ cousins Annabella & Denise join us to share this homemade, no-cost, gift: A dating profile written for a loved one. Jess also shares one she wrote for her Mom, and Brandon and Jess share one another’s.

We encourage you to try this one yourself and let us know how it goes!

Rough transcript of the podcast below:

Welcome.

It’s the end of the year and there is no better time to check in with your health. And our partner LetsGetChecked lets you do all of your health testing from home — from hormones to thyroid to STIs to cholesterol to iron to lime disease — test from home, send it in and get secure results online. Go to LetsGetChecked.com and please use code DRJESS to save and to let them know you heard about their services here.

Last year around this time, Brandon and I did an exercise based on a 2017 article in the NYT entitled, ‘You May Want to Marry my Husband‘ by Amy Krouse Rosenthal. In the piece, which she wrote from her deathbed, Rosenthal writes about her husband’s many appealing qualities as though she is writing his dating profile.

Now back in 2017, I was away on a long business trip and I read her article on a plane — I was messy crying the whole time. She sings his praises after 26 years of marriage and she passes away 10 days later.

I was so moved by the piece and inspired that I used it to write Brandon’s dating profile — just in point form and I sent it to him via text and of course, we both ended up in tears. And so I ended up using the column as inspiration for a group exercise. I was working with a group of couples in Prague and I asked them to to read Rosenthal’s column and then write a dating profile for their partner as a reminder of why they love them and to help reignite the passion.

Every participant (and even their two Czech translators) struggled to contain their tears as they read the article and made a list of their partners best qualities. When they were done, they reported feeling more present, grateful, in love and intimate with their partners. The shift of energy in the room was palpable and they were grateful that I excused myself so they could bask in the afterglow without my clinical interference.

So last year on the podcast, Brandon and I redid the exercise. I wrote his dating profile, he wrote mine and we shared them with each other on the podcast. We’re going to briefly read these and you u can definitely go back and listen to that episode now (it’s Episode 89) to listen to our reactions, but this year, I wanted to try something different. I want to try this process for other folks we love in our lives because the expression of love, of course, extends far beyond romantic or intimate partners.

So I’ve written my mom’s dating profile, which I’m going to share.

And my cousin Anna is here and she has written her mom, Denise’s profile. And they’re both joining us now.

Anna’s dating profile for her Mom, Denise:

• There’s a lot to be said about my Mom which needs more than five minutes.
• A quiet, calm, strong base of the family.
• The best listener, and because of that – the best advice giver. She’s so understanding it’s annoying. She has this ability to see all sides even when tensions/emotions are high, and speak rationally about it.
• She always helps me from cakes to school work.
• She always gives her time, her emotional capacity, she ALWAYS cares.
• She gives the best hugs.
• She’s funny in a nice way, she doesn’t pick on people for jokes.
• She’s quirky.
• She’s able to enjoy the moment so well.
• She’s dedicated and hard working.
• She’s graceful like the fairytales.
• She has a crazy amount of patience even when you don’t deserve it.
• Her baking and cooking 🙂 And she loves to share that love.

I also wrote my Mom’s dating profile (she’s the best):

• Bubbly and full of life. You can feel the energy sweep into the room — and you can hear it, which you will love!
• The definition of graceful aging. Always the cutest even though she’s never really trying.
• A really good Mom. If I ever have a kid, I hope they learn as much from me as I have from her. Her pearls of wisdom continue to carry me through life.
• No ego. Really just comfortable with herself and this is such a big part of what makes her shine.
• Willing to keep learning and growing. As a septuagenarian, this says a lot about how open her mind continues to be. And even though she talks a lot, when it comes to the serious stuff, she really is willing to listen.
• Chinese by heritage and Jamaican by birth and upbringing, now a Canadian, she blends the best of so many cultures into one, you’ll be thankful for more than just her cooking. But damn can she cook and bake — curry, focaccia, raisin bread, lasagne, protein balls, fish, meat, veg, she can do it all.
• You’ll be spoiled in your belly, heart and soul.

And I’ll share the one I wrote for Brandon once again:

• Hilarious funny man who can make kids, college dudes, a room of executives & old ladies laugh-out-loud alike.
• Kind and compassionate. Cares about every soul on this planet – even bugs.
• Will spend every day working to woo & keep you.
• Always willing to grow and change. The most committed and supportive partner one could imagine.
• Fit, handsome & dedicated to aging gracefully.
• Hard working. Ambitious. But cares about people more than the bottom line.
• Eager to please. Willing to push his comfort zone for love.
• Humble. He really has no clue how amazing he is.
• Will inspire you to be a better person.

And B also wrote one for me:

A dangerously smart, funny and adventurous woman in search of a partner who absolutely loves life. She wakes every day with a smile on her face and goes to bed (reluctantly, for fear of missing out on a party) with an excitement for what the next day will bring.

Her athleticism will impress you, and even more so when she throws a 30 yard, tight spiral while rocking 5-inch heels and dress. She is an absolute knockout. Every curve perfectly created, skin smooth as silk, deep brown eyes that will captivate you and express a sense of empathy and care for others that cannot be matched by anyone.

She is a giver. Whether food or drink, clothing, gifts or the last bite of a Sea’s chocolate. Be prepared to always warm her hands and feet because she even gives away the heat her body produces.

Did I mention she can cook and bake? You’ll learn to savour and enjoy every bite of food (and life) if you’re lucky enough to call her your partner. She’ll teach you about empathy and how to challenge societal norms. She’ll inspire you to work hard and to enjoy every dollar you earn. She’ll plan for you, take care of you, tend to you and work with you to schedule an exciting life you never dreamed possible.

You’ll fall deeply in love with her and won’t be able to picture your life without her. You’ll learn that if only every person could feel as important and cared for as she makes you feel, the world would be a better place. You’ll live your life fearful of the day you’ll be eternally apart because without her, nothing else matters.

If you want to try it at home, here are the brief guidelines:

1. Read the article, ‘You May Want to Marry My Husband‘.
2. Jot down notes for a loved one’s dating profile considering the following areas: personality, hobbies, attitude, profession, disposition, appearance, endearing idiosyncrasies, habits, parenting style, community involvement, family role and anything else that makes them wonderful. Don’t get hung up on the language — just let the words flow.
3. Share with your partner and soak up the positive affirmations.

Thank you so much for tuning in throughout 2020. Wishing you a peaceful, healthy and restful holiday season with lots of love.
XOXO

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

The Best Gift Ever! Its Free & Last-Minute Friendly

00:00:05 – 00:05:01

You’re listening to the sacs with dr jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the ex. Doctor just podcast. I’m your co host brandon. Wear here with my lovely other. Half doctor jess this is pretty much the the last one of the year. I guess we have on next week. But i don’t know christmas for me. Always feels like the end of year. I would agree. i mean. there’s a wrap up vibe. That’s going on right now. Yeah but a weird year where we almost don’t even know what’s coming right. People are asking for meetings for january. And i’m like january. That feels so long ago. But i guess it’s here again now it’s the end of the year and there is no better time to check in with your health so our partner. Let’s get checked. Lets you do all of your health testing from home from hormones to thyroid to. Sgi’s to cholesterol. Iron lime disease test from home send it in and get secure results online go to. Let’s get checked dot com and please use code dr jess to save and to let them know you heard about their services here now babe last year around this time we did an exercise based on a two thousand seventeen article in the new york times entitled. You may want to marry my husband. By amy krauss rosenthal and folks who didn’t hear that episode in the piece Amy wrote it from her deathbed. She writes about her husband’s many appealing qualities as though she is writing his dating profile. Back in two thousand seventeen. When i i read this article i was away on a business trip and i was reading it on the plane and i was messy crying the whole time because she sings his praises after twenty six years of marriage and ten days later she passes away and i was so moved by the peace and so inspired that i used it to write your profile babe Just in point for form like it took probably five minutes. And i remember sending it to you via text message. Because i’m so romantic. And i don’t know if you recall that we both ended up in tears and i ended up using the the column as inspiration for group exercise the next day so i was working with a group of couples in prague and i asked them to read rosenthal’s column and then write a dating profile for their partner as a reminder of why they love them and every participant in the room even the check translators were crying as they read the article and made the list of their partners best qualities and of course when they were done they reported feeling really present and connected angry full and you could like you could just feel the shift of energy in the room so last year on the podcast i. I shared the one i wrote for brandon. He wrote one for me and we will read these maybe again but you can also go back and listen to episode eighty nine but this year i wanted to try something different and i wanted to try the process for folks in our lives Because it doesn’t have to be you know an intimate or romantic partner for you. Express this type of love. And so i’ve written my mom’s and my cousin avella is here with her. Mom denise. hey how you doing hi good. We’re good good yakin up. They’re just waking up. This is true this is true. So annabella introduce yourself who are. Yeah your favorite. That’s about it. Bill is my. Are you like a first. Your dad’s my first cousin. Yeah and then. I association young and if anyone follows on instagram. If you ever see me doing handstands or heads with someone that’s annabella or planks on top of each other true but she’s i have to be the bottom plank. She’s to get her butt up or down or something like that. So you’ve written your mom’s profile it. It remind mommy touch so do you. Do you wanna read it. Yeah well i just as like. It’s five minutes. But i’ve known you for twenty years so it’s kinda hard but down to minute but i have your a calm quiet strong base of the family. You’re the best listener and because of that you give the best advice. You always help from cakes schoolwork and you always give from your time to your emotions. And that means he will eat care. I’m crying am to you. Give the best hugs always squeezes. She’s funny in punny way. She’s so understanding.

00:05:01 – 00:10:02

it’s annoying. She has this ability to see all three sides. When there’s tensions their emotions are high and she always speaks rationally about it. she’s quirky. she’s able to enjoy the moment so out and put other people into that perspective. She’s hard working and dedicated. She’s graceful like in the fairy tales. She has a crazy amount of patience. Even you don’t deserve it and cooking and baking is just the best thing in the world and that’s what we did together. Thank you so much. Let me. It’s been so nice having you here. I mean it’s been such a difficult time for everybody. Thank you for the tissues definitely needed. Oh thank you sweetheart. Thank you grow it being there. I think these are the things you know. You’re talking about this note in just expressing to other people and i think these are the things that really help us get through times like this We’re finding even at work that it’s one of the things I think when the pandemic hit. It’s been so hard like you’ve had to make so many changes you’ve had to move back home away from a dorm you know and so many inconveniences but you are so good at knowing. What makes you happy. I think i need to get better at doing this. And telling you why you make me so happy and dad grandma and grandpa and justin be same. But i think it’s stopping and getting more disciplined around us doing that and really just gratitude at the end of the day right But that’s what helps us keep putting one foot in front of the other And keeping going. I think so. What a give to give some context and goes to school in pennsylvania but her parents live in jamaica and so she’s moved back down. How long have you been here now. Back jamaica since july. Oh so like six months and she was supposed to be doing her semester abroad in stockholm and she probably won’t get to do it outside of us taking a trip there. So that’s a great reason to go for a trip. I just want to see the aba museum. Y’all soma changes this year and you’re right. This is the reason. I love this exercises. You can’t be anywhere here when you’re doing it and lost your won’t put it on the podcast. We entitled the episode the best gift ever and that’s why i wanted to run again this year so even if folks only have half an hour before they need to scramble to put together a president. I don’t think there’s as much as valuable as letting people know how you feel and definitely i’m a words of affirmation person so i’m a little partial to this but there is just so much value in either writing it down or even i know you’re both artists so that whole family is artists. Brennan as we know are not. We draw at a different kind of artists yet. We draw six year old level. Brennan’s a bit of a performative though because last night on our families zoom call. He put his shorts up his butt and walked around with his white. But for my family and the whole chinese family was like what’s with white people impromptu thongs too long so you’re an artist too but i was thinking this also could be something you illustrate there. There are so many different ways. Obviously i’m i’m drawn to words because that’s the way i express myself but there are so many ways you can do this and i really encourage folks to think about not getting in your head and not feeling like you need to write an essay. Just jotting down some of the things that you feel about other people and i love the context or the framing of the dating profile. And so again. What i recommend is if you have a chance to read the article while you might wanna marry my husband and then jot down notes for a loved ones. Dating profile considering different areas like personality and hobbies and attitudes may be profession. maybe disposition appearance. Maybe some endearing idiosyncrasies or habits or parenting style or community involvement or family rule or anything else that makes them wonderful. Just don’t get hung up on the language just kind of let the words flow and I also wrote my mom’s so i’m going to share that with you now and then i guess forced my mom to listen to the podcast but i just want to thank you so much and the and the knees for hanging and i’m really grateful of course to be here with you both brennan and i.

00:10:03 – 00:15:06

It doesn’t feel like the holidays without being with you. Guys and your dad your dad would be. We would invite the whole family. And but i do want to briefly apologize. There’s a bit of echo in the room. But we’re working with what we’re working with here in jamaica but if we did bring your dad in or your grandma or any there laughing it would just be so. Thank you so much for doing that. Thank you pushing me to do that. Because i don’t think i would have. And i think it was. It was good well. It was a big gift for me. Thank you now. i don’t think my mum nationally listens. Or maybe that’s just what. I convince myself of since we share so much but i’m going to ask her to listen to this episode or maybe send this along in a card. I’m not sure but. I did write my mum’s yesterday and so i want to read it now. Okay so it’s a dating profile. Sorry i’m a little nervous. When it gets personal came bubbly and full of life you can feel the energy sweep into the room and you can hear it which you will love or grow to love the definition of graceful aging always the cutest even though she’s never really trying a really good mom if i ever have a kid i hope they learn as much from me as i have from her. Her pearls of wisdom continued to carry me through life. No ego really comfortable with herself. And this is such a big part of what makes her shine. Ooh this is hard kinda glad. She’s not looking across. Because i’d never if she was here i wouldn’t make it through okay. I’m willing to keep learning and growing as a septuagenarian. She just turned seventy. This really says a lot about how open her mind continues to be and even though she talks a lot when it comes to the serious stuff really willing to listen chinese by heritage jamaican by birth and upbringing. Now a canadian. She blends the best of so many cultures into one. You’ll be thankful for more than just her cooking. But damn can she cook and bake curry for caccia raisin bread lasagna protein balls for brandon. Fish meat veg. She can do it. All you’ll be spoiled in your belly and in your heart and soul. Yeah my mom’s pretty awesome. So i think that sums up and again if you are going to try this you know. I didn’t spend an hour on this or anything. It’s just kind of what came to mind free flowing without overthinking. I’d also like to add that. Your mom is accidentally and inappropriately. Funny oh my god. She’s so inappropriately funny by accident. She wants a shared beaver coach and so she’s yelling at me down the street a few years ago. She wants a sheared beaver. But she hasn’t. It’s free. she’s the charles boyle of brooklyn. I nine she is. Charles boyle of the families only only cooler cooler. I know brandon. And i read ours last year but i wanna read you yours again brennan because it has been a year so this is what i wrote for you years ago. Now two thousand seventeen. And i haven’t made any edits but i think it’s still stance hilarious funny man who can make kids college in a room full of executives and old ladies laugh out loud a like kind and compassionate cares about every soul on this planet even bugs hang on but that giants yesterday i mean. I don’t wanna kill the spider. But i don’t want to be friends with that spider. Okay so i know. I’m prone to hyperbole but spider who was giant giant which okay on total sidebar. There but yeah. I don’t wanna kill that spider. But i i do not want to be friends with you. Couldn’t kill it. You don’t have a shoe big enough. Okay i’ll continue. This is such a big one. Babe will spend every day working to woo and keep you and that’s how i feel You’re always willing to grow and change. The most committed and supportive partner. You can imagine fit handsome dedicated to aging gracefully hardworking ambitious but cares about people more than the bottom line eager to please willing to push his comfort zone for love so humble really has no clue how amazing he is and will continuously inspire you to be a better person.

00:15:07 – 00:20:17

All of those things bait. So we’ve heard denise says my mom’s yours and are just encourage people to consider trying this out for yourself even if you never give it to the person i think it can be really really grounding and remind us what matters when many of us are feeling pretty frustrated right now Many of us are feeling very anxious. I will say that writing these out really soothed my anxiety even just sharing them here right now. It’s funny because listening to it was hard for me. I mean even so much so that my heart was racing listening. And it’s not that. I don’t remember what you said but it’s also difficult for me to listen to compliments So hearing it from somebody. Who’s you know who cares about you is is nice. I mean it’s grounding it’s a reminder of how people see you when you might not see that in yourself okay. Why does your heart race. Do you think. I think i’m nervous of. I think i’m nervous of how i’m gonna react even on this podcast to people listening. Are it’s hard. I think everybody’s feeling really emotional right now and anna and denise are two people that were really really close with so we’re comfortable. I think feeling vulnerable and giving ourselves that space that we don’t always create ourselves so i’m really really thankful to have them in my life as well as in his dad. Michael who is amazing and maybe in the next couple of weeks he’ll come on the podcast and just share some of his life perspective because he’s a really interesting person a really loving persons such a thoughtful person. Actually i wanna shout out something. I saw last night so we were downstairs and denise went up to bed because she goes to bed early and gets up very early and when he noticed she was up there he was like. Oh better go up to close up for her. Because there’s these big finish shutter doors but he’s just so thoughtful with her and that’s after i don’t know matt’s what twenty-three so they’ve been married together. Actually i don’t know how long okay i was fourteen when they got married But i know they’ve been together since they were like twenty one years old and i’m just going to out them and say they’re both over fifty so they’ve been together really longtime but he’s just so thoughtful and if you listen to old episode with my uncle mike. That’s his father. He’s also super thoughtful so he got a little He he’s building a boat here like a smaller powerboat. And i mentioned that. Oh we could go water skiing so today he’s like i’m gonna call my friend and see if we can borrow some water skis everything you say. They’re just so attuned to and being around them makes me more like that. Because i don’t think that that’s how i naturally am really think that model behavior is also nice to see like i don’t know if you noticed the other day. His mom was feeling a little just off and she was coughing. A little bit during i think she just eight something. Something didn’t sit right so he went got up didn’t wasn’t waiting for her to ask and got her a glass of water and it’s these little things that he does all the time and he’s he reminds me a little bit of luigi your stepfather. Who isn’t looking for the the the headline act where somebody acknowledges the things that he’s done. He does them not expecting praise or acknowledgment. It’s because he cares. Yeah off the cuff. I could say so much about mike or right his dating profile but he’s hilarious. He laughs out loud constantly mostly at his own jokes. He is thoughtful beyond anything i’ve ever seen. I actually noticed that gesture at the table the other night when he got his mom. The water just really. Such a us introspective. Yes he you know what it is and he. We need to bring him on early because they feel like. He has these nuggets of wisdom early in the day but he always wants to be better. That’s the thing he. He said it to me this morning where he was like what i’m doing is in an effort to be a better human being you know and he benefits from that personally and those around him benefit from that as well because when he’s trying to be the best version of himself he you know i see him take care of those around him and i would have to assume that those those actions rub off and then the person who is given a glass of water without asking wants to reciprocate that gesture and passes along that that the yes and i just want to apologize for that wild noise in the background.

00:20:17 – 00:25:00

There’s there’s some drilling going on next to us but it’s worth it because it’s going to be even more beautiful here where we are. You know we talk often about intergenerational trauma but there’s also the positive side. Because i see it in big mike i see it in mike junior and i see it in his son matthew. Who’s not here right now. He’s in the states working but yeah we just turned into a family gush session and i i i don’t know feels good but you can hear that you know. I feel a little nervous. You know when you’re talking about your own family but we’re very very grateful For so many folks in our lives and we have a huge family so as my mom says you can pick choose and review But this these are the group that we are super super close with. And i hope that you wherever you are. I know that the holidays aren’t the most positive time for everybody. And i also know that these holidays. Twenty twenty in particular are different than ever before so moving into the holidays. I just want to. You know kind of send out some love and appreciation for you for supporting us and listening and contributing so many people send us messages and emails but their perspective with their stories but their questions. So thank you for being part of this process and leading brandon. I you know. Really learn alongside you. I i find this this podcast very therapeutic at times especially when i get to just chat with you babe I couldn’t agree more. I mean learned so much from all the guests that have come on and every single one of them. There’s just so much wisdom in what they’ve shared. I feel like i benefit the most from from this. But i feel i get so much from you. I feel you always bring this practical human. No clinical perspective. Just you know so. I yeah i really appreciate it. So all stop gushing now and say say thanks once again. Thanks babe thanks folks who are listening. Brennan’s making a face at me. What’s up. I supposed to read mine or are we passing You read it last year. I think people can do on rita. Sure not sure. I’ll read it again. I mean fine. We’ll go out on a high with my dating profile. Fine go go straight up. I’m probably not going to get through this without tearing up so if you hear me. Choke and stop. It’s just because that’s who i am so i think i’m gonna i’m gonna start by changing the very first one of the first words so here. We go a dangerously smart funny and adventurous woman in search of a partner who absolutely loves life. She wakes every day with a smile on her face and goes to bed reluctantly for fear of missing out on a party with excitement. For what the next day will bring her. Athleticism will impress you and even more so when she throws a thirty yard tight spiral while rocking five inch heels and address. She’s an absolute knockout. Every curve perfectly created skin smooth a silk deep brown is that will captivate that will captivate you and express a sense of empathy and care for others that cannot be matched by. She is a giver whether food whether food or drink babe. I can’t cry so much. I have to go live on camera at ten. Okay so i’ll push through food or drink clothing gifts or the last bite of a cease chocolate be prepared to always warm her hands and feet because she even gives away the heat her body produces almost underway. Did i mention that she can cook. And bake you’ll learn to savor and enjoy every bite of food and life if you’re lucky enough to call her your partner. She’ll teach you about empathy and how to challenge societal norms. Schilling inspire you to work hard and to enjoy every dollar that you earn show plan for you. Take a show plan for you.

00:25:00 – 00:26:59

Take care of you. Tend to you and work with you to schedule an exciting life. You never dreamed possible. Okay this really is the end. You’ll fall deeply in love with her and you won’t be able to picture your life without her. You’ll learn that if only every person could feel as important cared for as she does the world would be a better place. You’ll live your life fearful of the day you’ll be you’ll live your life fearful of the day you’ll be eternally apart. Because without her nothing else matters. I was going to cut it off before that. So thank you. I think i’m going to just wrap that up there and say thank you once again ’cause i’m in tears one more time. Please forgive please. Forgive the background noise. We just moved into the space in jamaica. Where we’re going to be semi permanently so we will figure out the sound for next week. Because i know people go on itunes and get mad about this. So we’ll we’ll fix this baby. You’re the sweetest you make me feel so appreciated Another time i would like to talk about why it is so hard to hear all these positive things about ourselves and probably the trauma response involved in that but for now just really wish everyone A peaceful and healthy and hopefully relaxing holiday season. That is now upon us. So thank you again for a decent twenty twenty. We made it and all the best for twenty twenty one to be even happier and healthier. You’re listening to the sex with dr jasser. Podcast improve your sex life improve your life.