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The brilliant Dr. Lexx Brown-James joins us to share their insights and answers your sex & relationship questions including:

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Lingerie Humiliation, Sex Sans Erection & Sexual Worthiness

00:00:00 – 00:05:08

You’re listening to the sex with dr. Jazz podcast sex and relationship advice you can you off tonight? Welcome to the sex with dr. Jazz podcast. I’m your co-host Brandon. We’re here with my always thought the other half. Dr. Jess. How are you? Oh, wonderful. It’s going to be 6 with Dr. Lex today. Oh mixing it up. Yeah, but it’s not me playing a role. It’s an actual other person doctor Lex the therapist and we’re going to be answering some of your questions and I have to say we do receive so many questions and we fall behind and I always feel badly that we don’t get to all of them Faithfully. We’re going to power through a few today and I want to open with a question for Brandon. It’s a nice short and sweet one that I received on Instagram before we dive off. In want to say thank you to our October sponsored Cleo Vana. You can learn more at cleveland.com. Cleveland uses sound wave therapy to induce a number of biological responses, like cellular reaction and nerve stimulation and improve blood supply and improve nerve functioning and neovascularization. All of which are intended to lead to be improved orgasms. So cleveland.com check them out. And now let’s dive into Brandon’s thoughts on a short and sweet question. This person says, so I’m single and people say I should lower my standards. I think that is total BS. Do you agree with me or them while they really only gave me two choices there so I don’t ever standard question because is it specific to me? Did you have to lower your standards for me? I don’t know if I had standards when I was dating know honestly. I’m putting it back on you. I know when I am. No, no. No, I don’t know that I had specific standards when we met I was young and I don’t think I was specifically looking for a relationship or not looking for a relationship. I didn’t grow up with much in mind in terms of you know, having a partner or not having a partner had like a boyfriend in high school that I we kind of just fell into it, but it was not one of those people that you know dreamed of my wedding or dreamed of a specific life. I didn’t think that far ahead. So I don’t think that I don’t even want to say you met my standards or exit or you know, exceeded my expectations. I mean, you’re you’re fabulous. I don’t want to I don’t want to say I mean I’m going to save you right now, but by interjecting I blah blah, but I I mean on so many levels you say you you were you exceeded everything I could have possibly hoped for in a partner and I think the more I got The more I’ve gotten to know you over the last almost twenty years the dog Here I feel every single day. So I’m going to start there. I didn’t plant this question to say that but that’s what’s nice this question about having standards my visceral my quick responses. I think that having these standards create sets of sets a bar very high that likely eliminates a lot of people from from the net that you’re trying to you know, you’re throwing out there that you’re casting and by having these these hard-and-fast rules, I think eliminates a lot of other people from consideration and I’ve learned over the over the the last number of years that different people can be sexy different, you know, different conversations intrigue me, and I’m just I don’t like the idea of having these standards that you have to have across all bore across all categories wage. Cuz if you like you’re going to rule a lot of people out. Yeah, so maybe that’s a question to ask yourself. What are these standards? Do they have to do with specific measures like appearance package or income or are they more about shared values? So maybe you want someone who is local maybe you don’t want a long distance relationship. I think that’s a standard that would be realistic for many people. But yeah, I do think that oftentimes their standards are more about how their relationship appears to others as opposed to how we feel in the relationship and my standard question that I ask is. How do you feel about yourself when you’re with this person right not just how do you feel how you feel is important too. But how do you feel about yourself? And if you feel good about yourself and you feel good about life and you feel you know, fulfilled in multiple ways do certain measures the standards that we use in dating. Like I I hear people say, oh they’ve gotta be at home. And they named some arbitrary height or I like people who look this way or I want I hear people say I need someone who earns as much as I do.

00:05:08 – 00:10:01

I need someone who can give me the life. I give myself. I don’t even really know what that means and I’m not listen. Maybe I’m not mocking honestly cuz I do know that, you know income plays a role for many people and certain factors of Lifestyle. I hear of that and as Brandon said I would challenge you to open and kind of broaden your horizons and I don’t consider that lowering your standards just being willing to at least have that like reflecting on those questions. I think might shed a whole new, you know shed new light on different people that you’d be willing to at least have discussions with go on dates with wage and create that fulfillment that you’re looking for. Mhm. Yeah, and I know everybody wants different things out of relationships, you know, companionship means different things to different people. I had a fraud And say to me, you know that he doesn’t mind this relationship where someone’s not treating him so well because he just wants a partner and you know as a friend I’m here to listen and know that you know, first of all, they’re not looking for my advice they’re looking for my support. So yeah relationships mean different things to different people and in terms of I wouldn’t call it lowering your standards, I would say let’s just expand our Horizons and I said Brandon would answer but then I was like no no, I’m chiming in we both got we both got a saint that so today we’re going to be offering many more questions with licensed marriage and family therapist doctor Lex who works from a systemic and emotionally focused position. Thursday are also a certified sex educator a best-selling author keynote speaker curriculum designer Grand rounds lecturer, and I’m just generally a big fan well, To the program doctor Lex. I’m such a fan of your work. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. I’m a fan of your work to know you work with folks who are singles couples on issues around sex family relationships letting go of shame. How did you get into this field? I told question and I decided I didn’t suck at school. So I have a background in physics and math and pre-med and my senior year of college second semester when I was supposed to graduate. I. Didn’t want to put people in Ways and forms cuz I wanted to be a reconstructive surgeon and a plastic surgeon to do trans surgeries affirmation surgeries, and I didn’t want to have to do like breast augmentations and rhinoplasty his nose jobs that told people who look like me that were ugly right identify as a black fat previously nursing parent home and I wanted to heal people from inside out instead of from outside in and people who do that or therapist. So I ended up here and I really like talking about all of the things and sexuality took a sex therapist made the most sense for me. I love it. So you still a doctor but the fun kind right? Most days most days do you ever think about going back to med school? God no, no never. Well. I’m so glad you’re here and we have so many questions from listeners. And so I want to Dive Right In because there are you sure we’re not going to get through all of them. And the first one’s a little bit long. So bear with me as I read through it for you. All right? Yep. All right. So this person rates last night. I wore my lingerie underneath my clothes to dinner and when we got back to my boyfriend’s place, he took off my shirt discovered the Lacy bodysuit. I was so excited to show off. He said he liked it and then we were making out ten minutes go by birth and all we’re doing is still making out. He starts to take his shirt off and I ripped it off of him five more minutes go by and he gets up from the bed turns off the light gets back in a bed and I asked is something wrong and what he said is that he got soft and I was like, excuse me how to which he responded? I don’t know maybe Thursday. Making out for 15 minutes, or maybe it’s the beer but he only has three beers. So that doesn’t check out for me. So I went into the bathroom and cried because I really put myself out there and then I decided I was just going to go home because I was so embarrassed and he was asking me no, no, no, please don’t go home, but he didn’t say sorry or anything else. So a little more context wearing the lingerie was really hard for me because I’ve had body confidence issues for the last little while after gaining weight. I’ve also only worn it twice before and the both times that I wore.

00:10:01 – 00:15:04

Lingerie the guys broke up with me soon after so now I’m nervous about it happening again. So after he told me I should stay I broke down in tears and it was the first time he saw me cry. I told him how much it took for me to put myself back into lingerie and feel confident and that I felt really humiliated that he lost his boner. I brought up how I’ve been dealing with feeling unsexy and birth. Fact that he hasn’t really called me hot since the fourth time we had sex. So he said that I’m right that he hasn’t called me hot, but he didn’t apologize and I’m absolutely humiliated and upset and I don’t know what to do. Should I bring it up again? So he realizes how hurt I am or should I just let it fester in hopefully eventually all get over it. So there’s a lot going on here. There are so many facets. This person’s ability to remember specific detail as well is uncanny and amazing genius-level. Oh my goodness bless her heart her therefore Heart Another pronouns, but oh my goodness that’s such a such a disappointment and let down and of course heartbreaking. Absolutely and I think a lot of people are afraid to put themselves out there whether it’s initiating sex or putting on lingerie or trying something new or introducing dirty talk anytime something feels new. I think we all feel a little bit intimidated and in doing so we also get our we got our hopes up, right and she has this other association with feelings or you know associating wearing lingerie with also precipitating a break up. I don’t know if you want to start there. So actually when I go back a little bit, right so the I’m going to feel fancy for myself. I’m gonna put honestly see bodysuit. I’m going to surprise my lover. It’s really exciting and arousing and intimacy building because they’re taking a risk, right? What we did find out though is that that risk didn’t necessarily bring out to build more intimacy vulnerability connection all of those things quite the opposite now, they’re afraid that I can end. I want to change the responsibilities that I’m here. I’m here in the question, right? So that person’s erection is not the responsibility of the lingerie where to maintain Right. So it is the person who has the erection and who knows what’s going on with that person and that person might have felt virus that they lost their Direction. They might have felt sexually overwhelmed which is exactly what happened when this happened to me. I had a similar similar experience where I actually got laughed at in my experience and my lover walked back out the room and woke up and started watching TV and I was like what just happened and and we had to have a conversation but I’m hearing that the laundry where once that validation of do you find me attractive? Can you confirm that you find me attractive that’s really important for me and what I’m hearing is I want the apology and we also need to know what the behavior changes that you want. So it’s easy to find that I’m attractive. Will you share that with me? I would really love to hear it really does help me feel connected and bonded with you. It makes me feel so much better as somebody who gets erections I can dead. I should comment on you know, the pressure sometimes that accompanies that that that expectation that oh I’ve done this and because of that you should respond this way because this is the way you’re supposed to respond which is getting an erection getting a boner and then, you know having I’ve gotten in my head before. Okay, you’ve got my head before where you know, I’ve been aroused by something and then you start thinking to yourself. I’ve gotten into my own head where I’m like, well maybe I’m not as aroused as I should be and then I go down this snowballing a pathway where I’m like, oh my God what happens if it doesn’t work out or what happens if things change in the middle of and it’s almost like I’m taking on this whole problem that doesn’t exist and making it a problem and having you know, your partner expect that of you can be very again. I’m just commenting on my own experience here but judging Having your partner expect that of you can be a really just another layer of pressure. Oh and and so the vulva does like pressure the G-Spot likes pressure penis is not so much right that missile pressure is like so my gosh am I supposed to perform to a whole different level now? What is this look like and I keep up is this person better at sex than I am. So all of that stuff and I want to make room for that person stuff as well.

00:15:04 – 00:20:16

But still Central Missouri where of one your direction is not your responsibility. Neither is maintaining their arousal that’s on them you though feeling good about yourself and feeling confident and feeling sexy is the priority here and you can ask your partner for support in that behavior change and that’s probably going to be the best way to bring it out. Please don’t let it Fester that leads to bitterness that leads to breakups that leads to distance. So instead of saying you remember that incident where you lost your boner and I felt horrible that cried right? So Maybe not that way but Sane I’m realizing I’m realizing how important it is for me to feel wanted by my lover and I’ve been missing some of that especially it sounds like this is a newer relationship. Yes, the first time that they seen you cry, right you’ve been able to count how many times you’ve had sex if this point so it’s like I really do need in significant relationships with some of that external validation because sometimes they have a hard time generating it for myself and really Center that I language and then also ask for what you need. Best dream doesn’t do anything good for anybody. Yeah. I love that. I I thought it was interesting that she they included fester in this in the letter itself. And I love the way you’re breaking it down. So number one. I need I want you to show me that you want me here’s how you can make me feel wanted and then I would also maybe and I don’t I don’t know if you’d agree doctor Lex offer and offer a challenge for you to also work on, you know feeling great about yourself wage. Looking at that kind of internal validation as well while you’re asking or in tandem with asking for that external validation. So and and the erection piece really jumped out at me that well. I think that in our culture we look at erection as a sign of arousal as a sign of Desire when in fact, you know, you can get a boner from riding the bus home and you you can be surrounded by eight of your, you know, ideal lovers catering to your every need and not get a boner. And so we do I think all needs to remind ourselves and decenter the erection the penile erection cuz clitoris is get erections to we just can’t see them right much everything about what you just said is absolutely right and wrong sexual pleasure doesn’t have to hinge on whether there’s a hard or not hard penis right just because the person lost their phone or it doesn’t mean that their fingers tongue mouths recipe. Body part toes I don’t really care what you do with what body parts you have like the stuff doesn’t stop working just because this penis right now doesn’t have an erection and the erection have more than likely is it going to be the last direction for the rest of your life these things can come back and they wax and they way they change and hardness and firmness so stick out just because there’s not a hard penis present doesn’t mean that sexual play and sex. However, you want to Define. It can’t happen. Absolutely. I really appreciate that and I know the penis sitting across from me right now appreciates that I mean, I think I’m definitely nodding along here and I would agree I think you know, you can maybe not respond the way that your partner in this case wants to but if I if I were to take on the onus of responsibility of pleasing my partner maybe things will change for me maybe, you know in five or ten minutes later. I’m aroused again and I will get an erection home. Maybe you just not even worried about your partner, but explore your own bodies pleasure because obviously bodies regardless of genitals and regardless of gender we can we can explore explore pleasure of the body right from the shoulder blades to the collarbone to the thighs and that’s when sex gets really hot. Anyway. So I really appreciate doctor Lex you emphasizing the I language so, you know, what I need is and what I’m feeling is and what I would love to request of you is so thank you for for that. I think is there anything else you want to add before I move on to our next listener? Yeah, just a little bit about the weight gain, right so being a fat person that exists in the world and I’m a small to medium fat person and I don’t know what size this listener is off being that doesn’t necessarily equate to being unsexy or unattractive and that is some programming that we often times have to just get out of our heads. It’s not necessarily a true narrative. And also with the more weight that you’re carrying with the changes in your body. We can also look at it as we’re surface area for pleasure. So now he’s out your butts a little bit wider but like that’s more but kisses and cuddles you get so let’s see what this new skin might feel like let’s see what this nipples on your on your little fupa might feel like or let’s see what it feels like to have that grabbed on while you’re engaging in type of sexual play because we can use some of that in our bodies our whole bodies for that same Pleasure P.

00:20:16 – 00:25:02

Really love that. I love the idea that there’s new stuff to love. I think about other body changes we go through, you know, whether it’s having stretch marks and how having your stretch marks touched or caressed off Vibes against your kissed can feel really good and I’m actually not sure you may know cuz you’re you did Med, but I don’t know if that’s physiological or if it’s the psychological component of loving an area that we’ve perhaps harbored shame around for for some time. Yeah, I think it actually goes into both. Right so sensitive skin and sensitive skin parts and then parts that we’re not usually touching unless it’s a utility. So we’re washing it off ocean on it. We’re dressing it, but we’re not really touching it out of tenderness and purposeful pleasure. So those things can be like, oh, I I only really sponge at my belly when I went to be tucked it into something, you know, if I’m trying to hide it what would it be? Like if I was really sensual and soft with my belly. How does that type of touch feel would you kisses feel like here? What does a vibrator feel like your life is a warm compact or massage oil or a hot candle or Fire play feel like here, right? Let’s talk about all of those things. And where does pleasure come in at? I love it. I love it. Well, thank you and we wish you the best, you know, the the headline or the subject line in this email was lingerie humiliation, and I hope that you’re able to work through that humiliation and you know. All grade in your body and feel good with your partner and feel equipped to have these conversations and I think dr. Lexus given you some some language with which you can start these conversations. Yes, so first of all, I just I love the way you described it even just the way you’re describing touching all types of bodies feel so good to me. I’m kind of I’m owning the way I do when I eat something delicious. She reads does to like sitting at a table and and I’m like clearly you enjoy whatever it is you’re eating right now because everyone knows everyone around us knows maybe alone. So we have another question a short one this person and indicates. I’m assist gender woman my husband never initiates sex unless he has turned me down the night before and then when he initiates in the morning, I feel like it’s just in genuis like he’s only coming on to me because he feels bad about the night before. How do we break this pattern? That doesn’t feel good? Okay, so is interesting and also I don’t know the age range is here. So as she is identified that it feels weird for her right like her husband’s trying to make money. For this deficit, I think there’s some talks around expectations around what sexual play needs to look like again sex doesn’t always have to be penetrated full-on intercourse. It can be a bunch of variety and a myriad of things. It might look like mutual masturbation. It might look like just one person being really pleased sexually. It might look like well, I’m going to spend some time in some solo said and talking about what variations they really like and then some of that initiation giving your your husband permission and also validation. So when your husband’s like, oh, I don’t really feel like it, you know, thank you for taking care of yourself. I don’t want you to do things that are uncomfortable and not fun for you too. So let’s try something else. What is another way that we can spend some time together or I really grub this one out. I’m going to take some private time and then I’m gonna come back and we can hang right so you have some options there and then that next morning of he’s trying to make up. He was really trying to take care of you age. So sweet and also not particularly useful for you cuz it doesn’t feel good. Now becomes kind of obligatory or an option and you’re just like I don’t want to be the option. I want to be the priority. So I think giving them permission of saying babe. It’s okay. If you don’t want to have sex right now, right? What are some ways that you find it hot that I can initiate or I can bring sex to you the sex always have to look like this this that that could we try to mix it up. What should I reference while what are some things that could be fun to try? And then also hey I need some personal time, especially if we should have wavering types of desires. So if somebody has a really high sex drive and somebody has a really really low sex drive maybe a compromise is they get in some personal time some so long time and then they come together with their partner a little less frequently body-wise than they would have solo sex. That’s absolutely okay to mix in every sexual thing doesn’t have to be together wage. A couple preached to that thank goodness.

00:25:02 – 00:30:22

Right? Absolutely. Absolutely. And do you run into this a lot in your practice with complaints around one partner doing all the same dating? I do I usually see it kind of quite the opposite and also I see it more so in my queer couples, I see a lot of black queer couples where people aren’t taught in the sheet in my heterosexual couples. It’s one person the way the initiate irks the hell out of the other person. It’s like I don’t want you to slap my booty stop doing that. I don’t like it off right but that’s how they know or they’re using sex as a tool to like Bond and get close with after an argument or after a disappointment and it’s like no I’m still in my feelings. We have them process anything but I don’t I don’t want to have sex with you and the person’s not recognizing that this is the repair attempt of like I know we’ve been distant. I know we’ve been disappointed. I know we had conflict. I’m trying to come back together with you song. And use my body in this way and the other person’s like I just want your words. I want to explore your mind. Don’t touch me. I’m not in the mood. That’s not how we come back together. So I see more of those discrepancies wage and the lack of ability to say, I really like it to initiate this way versus please don’t just like grab my left boob and say Hong Kong and let’s go like that’s not that’s not fun for me. I don’t enjoy that and people feel like they kind of have to just go along with it. Can I tell you how many clients I’ve seen where there was a complaint about the grabbing the boobs and saying Hulk. I think that it’s a singular case, but it’s common. Dr. Lex tell the people. It’s like just like no that’s not that’s not the way it happened. There are there are great touches or even aggressive questions that can initiate sex, but the honk honk is so far across the board. Nobody has been like yes Hong Kong my boobs. I’m sure that it works really gets me going home. I’m sure that it works for some one and some people but I’m just in seven billion. Yeah, but I’m just thinking about that like, you know two ships passing in the night and one person just getting to reaches out and does a car horn honk let’s do it. Yeah, here’s the problem doctor Lexus helping the people but maybe causing damage in my relationship cuz now I feel like I’m getting all these new seduction techniques like grape just going to mix it up. But you know what humor works for me. So just the I think you’re a very funny person for an it’s a big part of what attracted me to you. And so am I think that maybe once in a while like one time just once so if we’re going to be together for another 60 years of Our Lives 68 years, that’s my calculation calculation. Yeah, then I’m 68 years. You you can plan that, the one honking time between now what I’m going to make it epic. I’m going to make it epic. I want to yeah, hang on though. It’s going to be when I’m home. Like ninety something like 7 you’re going to have to bend down to get my boo. So I’m going to bend down probably pass gas give you the boob hog, and then off we go. It’s getting you know, we’re laughing and I do just want to say that of course if there’s anything you’re into whether it’s honking the boobs or getting off on laughing or passing gas whatever you are into its own judgment part of our laughter is because it’s it’s either funny to us or we’re uncomfortable with it. But I want to really emphasize no judgment, wherever you are. I do want to go back doctor Lex back to using sex as a as a repair mechanism and how that plays out in the cases that you see because as you said often times, it’s one partner who sees sex as a way of expressing love and affection wage and the other wants to use words or non-sexual physical affection. So I’d love to hear your thoughts on sex as as a repair mechanism. Yeah, so I mostly see this with men, right and it doesn’t matter their age range. I work with a group of prostate cancer prostate cancer survivors who are struggling with lots of intimacy because they feel like they can’t just use sex for all of their emotions anymore, especially after surgery and I see this with younger Generations as well. One of my favorite color is actually a mix generation couple where the woman is much older than the man in the relationship and she’s like, he’s trying to hop on me after these arguments and I don’t understand why that’s why and the first victim of patriarchy is boys boys are taught to castrate themselves of emotions, right and you’re supposed to man up with your quote unquote supposed to want sex all the time. And that is some reason the only reason your way you’re taught to be able to communicate connectedness and feelings and it’s okay to show those wage. Aliens to show that you want someone and it’s not necessarily the only way right we know that you can show your inside Parts whatever they might be for you ideally in an intimate relationship of say like actually I was quite disappointed or I’m afraid that you’re still mad at me and this is where my Truth Versus honesty piece comes in Iraq, people are truthful quite frequently with their lovers.

00:30:22 – 00:35:09

Ideally there. There are some people who aren’t but I really push people to be honest and so truth is like, yeah, I really really want to have sex with you off honesty is I’m so afraid that you’re going to leave me that if we have physical connection right now. It reassures me that you want to stay. Oh those two things are completely different, right you’ll get a hard part doing the honesty part and specifically folks who are like if they have sex with me. They want to be with me. It’s validation. It means that they still want me it means that they all suck. Give me and that’s not necessarily always true. Right and that’s a really interesting way of looking at it truth versus honesty sort of what I want versus why I want it and it is an easier to say I want this not I want this because it fills a specific need or address as a specific void and you’re what you’re really talking about is, you know, being able to access our language around emotion and you know, you mentioned earlier that you know, expanding definitions of sex is one way to adjust both of the cases we’ve discussed today and now he’s probably a third that’s coming up. And so if we could expand definitions of sex and eradicate gender roles so much of our work would just be either eliminate her easier. So much because we just all of us even a therapist right? We were trained in certain ways. We were raised in certain ways. I’m still not taking out the trash as a southerner. It’s just one thing. I just thought was absolutely necessary. It’s not my job or yard work, but I just got to those gender roles the it’s all just made up. Somebody just made it up. It was like this is what to do. Now. Let’s go for it. And it just doesn’t do us a service in our relationships and people are really out here suffering. Your listeners are like, oh this sucks. I don’t want to do this anymore. But I really care about this person and it’s I want to be closely connected with this person and I just don’t know how and there’s also I am so scared that this person is going to reject me. Once they see all of my flaws. It’s going to be a fatal flaw and they’re just going to reject me and I’m not going to be wanted or I’m unlovable and people walk around with that in their heads all of the song. I am and it definitely informs our behaviors right especially at the you know, more subconscious level when you think about men expressing love and seeking love through sex, which is perfectly fine. But when it’s the only way we can be emotionally close to someone the only way we can seek intimacy and when we run into inevitably sexual mismatches or challenging or issues with compatibility then how do we work through those emotions that we have previously used sex to address. So I always think about you know, I was an English teachers always think about just the language of getting people to be able to say all the things you’ve said multiple times. Now. I am scared that I am nervous that I feel worried about. I feel insecure. I feel jealous. I feel unsure, you know in this world today. Like I think a lot of us are feeling very very anxious and if we could just access that vocab. Yep. Right, we would have a lot more of what you’re describing which is honesty in which maybe I call emotional literacy, but I like honesty a lot better because it’s a concept that you know, we were all raised down to write to Value right emotional literacy sounds like fancified. So I really appreciate that. And and so how do you how do you address that when one partner or both Partners see sex as the only means to connect or feel emotionally intimate? Well, then I usually ask is that what they want? And is that good enough for them? Okay, cuz if it’s good enough for them, then I don’t have no work in that department. Like if it works for you go for it. Like what are you paying my fee for? What are we talking about? Let’s go if it doesn’t work, which is more when you know, we see the people like this isn’t really hitting for me or the sex has stopped right the sexist option just like if we haven’t had sex in months and we’re not okay with that that’s when people usually land in my office or they’re looking at this podcast or they’re trying to figure out what’s going to work for them. So with those folks when I give them permission to feel all their feelings looking at Social location how people identify intersectionality you’d be surprised how many people haven’t had permission to express all the array of feelings.

00:35:09 – 00:40:03

They’ve just had to be happy or okay. Maybe angry on occasion but not too angry because for some folks specifically like black identified folks example that can be dangerous right to be angry and public to be dangerous so long I give them permission to be like, hey, you’re going to feel in chart. Let’s look through it and they’re like, there’s all these words for feelings and like yes, yep all of them and you can access all of them. They’re like 500 and then we built safety. So what is safety look like in a relationship? So for the lingerie, we’re for the husband who is initiating out of guilt and maybe even some a shame cuz who knows what his programming has been around what he was supposed to be like and how much he’s supposed to want his wife and how much he’s supposed to respect right? So that shame of I’m a bad husband she comes out because I didn’t please my wife sexually or I’m a bad man comes up because I didn’t want sex this time all of that stuff. We start to make it a little bit safer for them to share and get some validation page. And empathy from their lover. So it’s like I don’t think you’re bad. If you don’t want sex. I think you’re taking care of yourself. I would really like to have some type of affectionate play at least two times a week. What does that look like for you? Can we meet is there a compromise and we start to work out that way so giving them the language and then the permission to say I’m not going to stop on your vulnerable Parts. I like to see your innards. I think they’re adorable. I love them whatever the flaws whatever the greatness they might be. And I want you to be able to share them with me freely. So that’s the work we do in office. I love that and really giving specific language for folks to start these conversations. So some folks will will book to see you and I’ll just plug your website right now, which is Lex sex.com with two x’s. Well, I guess there are three jobs, but we’ll be moving in a show notes and some people will I think just use this to start a new conversation right now. And actually I think a great way to start a conversation is to Simply say I was listening with this podcast with Dr. Lex and they said that you know, this is true or that this is sometimes true and what do you think of that right? You can just simply be an inquiry. So I really appreciate that now I have one more question if you have time, okay, it’s a little bit longer to I used to paraphrase them. But I feel like it’s nice to hear the whole story. So this person writes. In fact, I’m writing you today because I’m in dire need of your help both my boyfriend and I are 28 years old. We’ve been together almost four years and it’s safe to say our sex life has been quite dull and I’m pretty sure it’s my fault. I’m your typical woman who almost never initiates sex, but I will never say no to it. I enjoy sex. I don’t know why I have so much anxiety toward putting myself out there or initiating set sex, especially when I know my boyfriend won’t reject me. So why am I like this? How can I change this thinking and behavior? And I’m just going to go on with a little more context than I’ve recently been waking up and finding lube and lotion beside the toilet seat in the morning. So it’s obvious. He’s been jerking off which in and of itself is no big deal. I know masturbation is healthy and normal birth. The fact that he’s been choosing his hand over me really hurts, especially when we haven’t been intimate much at all. I feel like I’m not enough not worthy. Not sexy and boring. I hate that. I’m shy especially when that is not the type of person. I am until it comes to the bedroom. Like I want to be a freak in the sheets and not be shy to tell or show my boyfriend what I want and what I want to do a gym, both of us are not very good at communicating our wants and needs either. So that’s another thing I struggle with. How do I talk about these things with him and bring them up? I’m also on the pill which God knows it it can affect my hormones because I will say that I definitely have a low libido. I’ll just throw that out there any advice appreciated. I love this man with everything I’ve got. I just wish I could get rid of my head and get over this anxiety. Oh, I love love. Oh my goodness. That’s so hard. Yeah. Okay. So quite a few factors there. It’s clear that you both went to have some type of intimacy and inform. Well now I’m wondering if we can start with some of those low stakes stuff. So what would it be like 1 to check with your birth control and see what the side effects are if that is like affecting your hormones may be a shift might be helpful. Just talking to your doctor and your OB-GYN about what works for you and what could work for you? And then too I was really start by taking sex off the table, right? So talk to your lover about doing something fun.

00:40:03 – 00:45:07

And I swear to you my couples hate this done it myself off the I rules we get when we tell people. All right. No sex. We’re not working on sex. They hate us. Oh my goodness. I’ve had people be like, so does this go off? When we leave session or do I have children and do I get my money back please? Right, right. So it takes off the table cuz it’s adding some pressure right off and we don’t need pressure here. So say like hey babe, let’s try something fun and also gives you a chance to flirt and build up sexual desire and waiting. I know people hate to say like, oh we plan 6 or so boring. It’s in our planners. I plan to X. I have these pleasure time planner stickers I have for my practice and I put the pleasure time clock up on Thursday. Like we planned to like stop abstaining on this day. And so looking at that every day was like, okay we’re getting excited. We’re getting closer to the date when we’re going to allow our bodies to do this thing and come together in this way. That could be a really fun way to be like, I don’t have to initiate we both know it’s going to happen on this day and when we’re both off of work or done doing whatever we’re doing in these times and that can be a fun wage. Another way, I love love love is we use a pleasure wheel as sexuality expert. Dr. Alvin Akio came up with the Sexes Pizza ideology. So everybody has different toppings, but it’s really a circle. I like to call it the Wheel of Fortune of sexual pleasure because everybody’s grandma made them watch that show at least one time in their lives. That’s how you parse out the wedges, like think of wedges of a pizza and you can put different sexual things in that pizza. So it’s kissing it’s fingering. It’s toe sucking it’s breaking up but I don’t really care but you do one your lover does one and then you bring them together and you’re like, ooh, I didn’t know you wanted to try this. He’ll know. I’m never doing this month. Maybe this can look like fun tell me more and it’s a fun way to generate new ideas around what your inner course could look like. So that way it takes some of that pressure off of saying like I need to come up with something a day at a time set a mood and initiate. Let’s just take the pressure off and let’s just have some fun. Let’s just make out for 5 minutes. Let’s do body rubs for 15 minutes and then see how that starts to build your arousal. And of course always a solo sexual play and you can even do something fun when you say hey babe. Can I send you a not-safe-for-work text message and it’s like, yes, you can no babe. This is my work phone. Please consent and back pain. It’s like well, I’m going to other room thinking about you and it can just be flirty. It doesn’t necessarily have to be overtly sexual and that can just be enough to cuz you are absolutely enough to justify you are I’m glad you’re saying that because the line that really stands out for me is you know, I feel like I’m not enough not worthy not sexy and boring and I doubt that your partner views you that way. It sounds like your job. Having sex even if it’s not as often as you would like to and I really appreciate dr. Lex the gamification of things and we if we could have just play more games with sex and not worry about it ending in a specific way. I think that well first of all, we we’d make more time for it this whole scheduling sex thing is such an interesting concept because we have this notion that sex is life sometimes unscheduled and that’s very very rarely the case kind of nothing happens in life. Unless you carve out the time for it right like you don’t spontaneously go on a vacation very few people know that goes on any vacations these days but you know, these are things that you you carve out the time for even when you were first dating you set time aside you did the things to groom that made you feel comfortable. If you were going to get naked you might have washed your sheets you might have, you know, told your friends you’re going on a date you probably didn’t answer a phone call from your mother or a sibling. I mean unless your mother checks in on you on your day off. Is nice too. And so that was carving out of time. But we have this idea that it’s spontaneous and the beginning but in fact, you know, it can be a mix of spontaneous and playful like you described as well as long scheduled and it doesn’t have to go in your eye kalar in your calendar. It’s just you know, you make time for some sort of play an intimacy and pleasure. So I’d love I love that gamification. I’d love to come up with more games off around 6 as well. And so I’ll think about that for the future. Oh, I’m looking forward to the the sex with dr. Jess board games do it. I feel like that’s something brand new age and put together and you would be a boring game if I put it together. So I no no, I mean, I’m the least creative of the three of us who we know that if anyone’s ever read my writing likes, you know, Marla right doctor likes, you know, Marla.

00:45:07 – 00:49:51

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so morally and I wrote a book together and our writing styles are just so different cuz Marla rights as she speaks and it. Who’s so naturally and beautifully and I write like a robot and so it was actually so helpful for me to see her writing style and put it together. It’s always this learning process sometimes get that. What’s that? What I read it I didn’t get that. I didn’t get robotic at all. Oh, but that’s because I had Marla’s influence like that. She could just read my first cuz we put it all together, you know writing a book as a team as a really interesting process, but you kind of we rewrote ours into one style as opposed to if we had written a sections it would have been so obvious here is Marla is really fun and practical stuff in here is Justice really boring. But if you dig deep it’s actually really useful to have to work. I’m not real hard on myself. It’s just the truth. I have other skills. I can juggle I can do a headstand. Well, I don’t jump out very well better juggler than I am. Let’s just leave it there and me off. It’s like I have a I have a deep fear of having my butt over my head. I have a really big butt and I’m just like all I see is myself like dying. You’re going to put my obituary that like she died by her ass off you guys. So what do we have any skills? My friends sounds like not a bad way to go. Well, I’ve taken up so much of your time and change so many more questions. So I hope that perhaps we can have you back another time because I really appreciate your insights your practicality also clearly your empathy and inclusivity and the way in which you approach people’s challenges so I know folks can learn more at Lex sex. Can you tell us what else you have on your plate what people should check out and follow and support and buy Yeah. Yeah, so I’m going to be having a Black Friday sale the same planner stickers. There are two versions one is kind of plain. It’s a clock that says pleasure time and the other ones are specific days off the upcoming, you know, the year is going to turn over. It’s going to be the end of 2020. Thank goodness. Yes, but it talks about cupcake and cunnilingus day. There’s a steak and BJ day International Airport week so you can just put your planner sticker in there and forget about it. Also up coming this November. So November is November and my vulva and me I am in a book chapter where I’m talking about really being accepted and the valuation of what I put on my vulva and how that really knocked me on my butt because it wasn’t true in the way that I thought it was true and last but not least. Ideally I’m going to finish up a workbook and have it coming out at the end of November as well, which is the black girl’s guide to couples in fact. See and so it’s a workbook that talks about all of the things that we’ve talked about today and really equivalent you with tools to start to get to know your lover. If you’re really fun worksheets that you’re going to work through together. So those are the upcoming things. You can get them on my website plex.com or you can follow me on social media, which I am Lex l e w x sex sex. I’m I’m like sex. Across all social media too. I love it. And I love these stickers. I’m on your site looking at Steak and BJ day. I love it so much awesome. And you also have some free resources that people can walk out on your website. So a transgender microaggression reparative response model as well as the racial microaggressions reparative response models that are certainly important. So we really thank you for for putting those out there and making them accessible and thank you for the work. You do really appreciate your time today. Thanks for having me. I love being here. Y’all have a great rest of your podcast Journey for the day. Thank you. I’m here always learning and I learn from dr. Lexus via social media all the time, but it’s a a treat to get to listen in and hear about specific questions in cases in person from afar and so highly encourage you to follow along with Dr. Like syndrome, really really thankful to have had them on the program. So thank you to you for listening. Thank you to Brandon. And of course, thank you to Cleo Vana for their ongoing support page to check them out at Clay Oven, and wherever you’re at. Hope you have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with dr. Jazz podcast improve your sex life improve your life.