September 4, 2020
Jeannie Mai On Forgiveness & Living Happily Ever After
- What it’s like to live your life and share your love with millions of fans.
- How to build a happily-ever-after relationship.
- How to forgive family, friends and partner after heartache and trauma.
- The importance of creating a shared vision as a couple.
- Her personal formula for self-love.
- How her upbringing affects her relationships.
- How to better manage arguments and deal with triggers.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Jeannie Mai On Forgiveness & Living Happily Ever After
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess, podcast sacks, and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr Just podcast. I’m your co host Brandon. Wear here with my lovely other have Dr Jess Hey. Hey. How’s it going? Good Gin on digging the sound of Your Voice because I’m an audio person and folks who know my co Author Marlene? Stewart she talks about the fact that. You are learning style whether you’re more of a visual learner or an audio learner or a kinesthetic learner affects your sexual and seduction style, and so people who learn better by listening and through words and through reading tend to be really Dronne to sounds and voices the pitch, the tone, the volume, the speed at which you speak and I’m I’m such an audio person I love the sound of your voice first of all. I I find it hot like I’m probably more attracted to people. Based on the way they talk than the way they look. You’ve always said that you’ve always said that the sound of someone’s voice is the first thing that attracts you to somebody. It really is, and I recognize voices more than faces. I don’t know if I’ve spoken about this here before but I have difficult difficulty recognizing faces so much so that I think I might be able to be diagnosed because I, really really struggle to recognize faces I, remember names I, remember details all even remember the sound of voice but I struggle with faces I’ve mistaken you for multiple people know I’ve I’ve mistaken other people for you in the past. So it’s all about the voice for me. And so that makes me excited to bring on our new sponsor FEM to see. So Feminazi is this streaming platform that has short erotic audio stories and they’re read by different voice I don’t call them actors they read by different people, different themes they get into like setting the scene, but also into the raw sexual acts and yeah, I’m just I’m a fan a new fan of to see was really excited when they called because just voices do everything for me not just sexually but emotionally like even to help me relax the sound of your voice is really what does it and I wonder if it’s been enhanced by the fact that for years. We were separated oftentimes because I was overseas for work and you you would talk to me on the phone and so I think that I found a lot of comfort in that but every night your use your voice? To to help soothe me to sleep. I. Think my next job will be reading stories for people to fall asleep because when I when I tell you some story that I’ve made up, it takes you thirty seconds for me to calm you down and just hope you. Fall rate. Asleep, I don’t even think you tell a story because you you fill me like kick. You know when you kick because you’ve just fallen asleep twitch twitch and you’re like, Oh, I’m don all I had to do was once upon a time, it always starts with like once upon a time, there was an animal and then one day the animal did something and I fall asleep after. Just saying words later even make any sense. So back to him to see, I really encourage people to check them out. It is all audio, no advertising, no visual designed founded by women for women but I think people of all genders are couples and couples are GonNa love it. So instead of fantasy, it’s Fem to see you can check them out. And you can use code jess if you want discount but they also have a free trial. So thank you to them for for their new support, and now we get into the fun staff because today we have a really exciting guest I mean all of our guests are incredible but this this one’s like a little extra special to me. Jeannie my host of the daytime talk show the real who’s very funny very real, very raw and also the host of the Listen Hannay podcast. Is your to join us. All right. Welcome. We’re so excited to have you so excited for your engagement. Big. Congrats your way. Thank you. You know it’s really obvious that you’re madly in. Love. So share that secret sauce share the love. What is the secret of this happy relationship? The secret is being grown. It’s being grown up in a I mean that in so many facets of the word. So being grown for me means that you are self aware that you know what your challenges are. You know what your strengths are your worth is. A you also what your triggers are like. You can actually have a relationship where you say early on.
00:05:02 – 00:10:02
So, here are a couple of things that I’m still working on I may not have the best reactions to, but if you could help me to just be sensitive around those areas were good and to ask that in return, what are your triggers you know for me and and and my relationship now j. you know. I. I didn’t realize that. Walking away can be seemed really rude to some people for me. I was taught in my early years that if you walk away from a problem, that’s when you’re like, okay, I I don’t WanNA engage anymore. I’m walking away like a fight you know like your teachers tell you walk away walk away don’t get into a fight. So I thought that but for him, that’s a trigger that’s very, very rude and disrespectful for him and if I walked away, he’s kind of like okay. Now, you just took this to level ten because you won’t finish this with me and you won’t give me the respect to have this conversation with me and my hitting. Hitting it to close on the on the head or you. Sent for me. Yeah. No I. If you I agree with you that if you if somebody walks away, it really is. A symbol that you just don’t want to deal with it. You don’t want anything to do and it. It does it’s a trigger it takes to the next level is to me it’s a degree of disrespect that’s how I interpreted. Yeah one hundred percent so. That’s just one example of knowing what your triggers are so that you can set the other person up to win right You’ve heard the analogy that if you’re really on team, you should always be on the same side of the court, right? It’s you against them the second it’s you against each other than you guys have lost. So for us, it’s always us against the problem. It’s US against the outside public is us against. It doesn’t it doesn’t mean that it has to be. Animosity it just means that it has to be where a lying we’re on the same unit. We got each other’s back you. You can rest and sleep well with both eyes closed knowing that someone loves you as much as you do love yourself to and that they’ve got you covered. What are you pointing at? Just for I’m just I’m just pointing it. Yes. Because years ago she said the same thing we have to be aligned. On these on these items and even if we disagree you can do so. We’ve had disagreements after the fact, but we’ve confronted it as a unified force and that was really important and one thing with brandon I mean anyone who listens knows brandon but you don’t you don’t know Brandon I know he has my back clicking know he has my back no matter what I do it’s been. We met when we were kids like it’s been I think nineteen or twenty years we’ve been living together and I know mountain no matter what this guy’s got my back now you also talk about, shared, vision. And so what does that mean to you to have a shared vision? I think having a shared vision means participating in each other’s. Future in participating in each other’s endeavors. So I used to be in a relationship where he was great and he was independent and he had her his dream and I wasn’t really a part of it and I was okay with that and I had my dream and I was okay with that. But. You have to find something that aligns you so that you’re both. Working at it together learning from it together you’re learning from witnessing the other person taking strides in it and the other person’s watching you iron sharpens iron. You take things on one person takes a break and all those things happen, and that’s why a lot of couples have kids and I may I’m very careful to say you’ve got to have a shared vision, but it doesn’t always have. To be children, you just have to have some type of purpose together and it can be business endeavors. It can be both of Y’all want to work as hard as you can to eventually build your own house or move to a different country or whatever it may be but you’ve got to see yourself contributing to the bowl together you know and that can be a very humbling and very. Sharpening experience and it makes you hotter on your partner when you see them working at your goal together with you. I feel like I’m hitting it on the head again for you guys is this where you guys are at to its life’s good man and you know you’re talking about children. So we are actually child free and people don’t get it because they’re like you’re madly in love you have this relationship. You have a really Nice Life I. Love Kids. We were I was a teacher were good with kids. Love me, I mean. Like I try and get away from them and they’re always coming toward me but it’s something as a woman that I mean I know you far worse than me because you’re far more in the public I had to you know defend and explain at I. Wonder we actually have not talked about this in on the podcast when we’re going to get to a point where we stop harassing women about how we use our uteruses. or You’d awry is a you awry. Utilizing. Yeah. We’re not feel so utilize. Never been asked I’ve never been asked.
00:10:03 – 00:15:02
Know put pressure on me. When you having a child, what are you doing it? Like? That’s just not something that I’m presented with or my worth isn’t defined by yeah. But whereas for me, it’s always about how like life isn’t going to be completed or I only have so much time or you know I’m going to regret it when I’m older and I just keep getting older every year. and not feeling so much regret you know. I also think about just being in the eye you have to answer all these questions, but I do want to ask about your relationship in the public eye because all relationships are challenging even the happiest ones and having this public view looking in adds another layer. So what do you wish people knew about celebrity relationships like yours and the pressure of being in the public eye like how can we make it easier for you to just deal with your own life? I. I think the first thing we have to do is Be. Extra communicated with our boundaries we HA-. I have to know his boundaries you know I have to know what he’s careful careful about I have a life that’s very exposed I. I’m on a daily talk show we talk about our daily lives. And he’s not he’s very private. So even when it comes to down to say his his his his house, you know I’m really careful about bringing their you know sometimes I have to get Glam made up and and I’m very very trustworthy about who I bring if I even think that that person’s Kinda Gossipy, I’m not going to bring that person into my loved one space you know. So being very acutely aware of his boundaries is important and these are things he has not told me this is just things I know when you see somebody move and you looked with them, you can see their personal about this and. I’m not I noticed my house is a swinging door. You know I have different. Glam. Come in all the time different people and friends and staff members for my youtube show and my podcast. But. I have to mind that for him and I think I think he knows that and he respects and he does the same for me. So you have to protect one another. So then when it comes to media speculation when you’ve become this area of security and safety for one another, you really don’t care about what other people say because you already got the best type of protection you have, which is one another you don’t. You don’t care about the naysayers because they have no idea what you guys have going on because yours is even it’s become a neat it’s become it’s become. Just how you breathe and live for one another. So it’s kind of like your kids you if you were a mom and I’m not one but I know as a daughter how protective my mom was on me. She had very unorthodox ways of raising the very anti-asian. You know I was coloring my hair and permeate at three years old. I was wearing full blown makeup foundation and everything when I was five and I was playing I was very, very comfortable with my feminity and other people would say, Oh, my God she’s wearing make up too early. She’s going to become a horror and I’m like, what’s wrong with that? No just kidding. But? I. Was like, Hey, no seriously like. In this house. Or good were. There’s nothing that equates being free as a child with becoming a bad human being, and by the way becoming you know becoming open sexually does not mean you’re also bad person. So all these things my mom was very against those separate rule. So again, because she had that safety and she understood her boundaries as a mother, you couldn’t tell her shit you know and I think that that’s a cool confidence to have within couples. Well I’ve seen your mom and I see that your mom has her own fan base now and she’s not going to let you get away with not knowing it. And you you’ve really special relationship with her to I really sit in admiration of that and you have you’ve talked about the fact that you didn’t talk for so many years. So I. wanted to ask you about not about that. Specifically, people can go watch the hallo honey youtube channel and you know check that be sure to do that. But. Forgiveness, you made a list in one of your youtube videos of all the things you wanted in a relationship that have all the you have now. So this was prior to find out what you found every single I. Love It, and one of that, one of the items on that list was the capacity to forgive, and that’s a skill that you have Why is forgiveness so important and how do you even begin to? Begin to forgive when you’re hurting. Right forgiveness is so underrated. It’s the ultimate end. All be all it really is I. Think There’s a reason why? Even if you’re Christian, you know when you look to the story of. Jesus his ultimate challenge was to forgive the people that did him the most strong. People. That scorned him burnt him at the tour at the Cross. Lied into space. And in real life we as human beings.
00:15:03 – 00:20:00
We. Find It. Forgiveness can be. The hardest people will die with their hands clutched around their hearts. People will die with their hard their hearts hardened from resentment and bitterness. They’ll choose that because forgiveness is that hard. But for me what I’ve learned, it did take me years. We’re not talking about like ten years. Twenty years I mean took me like thirty years. But it. forgiveness. Made me, free. I’m not thinking about freeing the other person who felt so bad for having wrong me. It made me free to get into that genuine point where you’re like, you know what? You don’t equal my happiness, your situation, and that memory with you does not equal my life and my pain and my suffering. If I’m going to write a story about my pain and suffering, it’s not going to have your name in it. That’s too easy. It’s going to be about real things that I let myself down and part of that would be not forgiving you if I don’t forgive somebody that’s letting myself down that spending one ounce of my energy somewhere where it. Doesn’t deserve. So when you really look at that again, going back to what your self worth is if you really were the yourself and you really see all of the atoms that make you who you are with your dream and your insight and your capabilities nobody not even one bad memory, not one bad x not one traumatic experience can hold that down. So you really have to understand that and see it, and when it pops, you take off your wings soar you know and. I think I think there are two parts in life. and. I’ll use this analogy that kind of explain it. But you know how? Like when a bird lands on a branch That bird just kind of like when it lands on a branch, it’s very confident. And it just it’ll perch there for a bit and that it may talk take off. Now the thing is that bird doesn’t land on the branch because it’s confident that the branch isn’t GonNa let it down. It doesn’t even have an idea of where the branch is coming from. It doesn’t know if the tree is Sturdier doesn’t even know if that branch could break but. The bird lands there because it’s confident in its wings, it knows for Damn shirt that branch breaks my wings I’m good I’m fine there’s no problem and I think that’s two parts to life one is pre branch and then one is post branch one is when you are like okay is everything okay. Here is this relationship going to be steady? Is He gonNA stay with me Is this job going to be okay. Is this house going to make me finally feel secure? We’re so on the branch of these things in life to make sure that we feel confident. But then there’s this one day and and a Lotta Times women talk about this being in your forty s and I think it’s because it’s that wisdom. That, after getting through a lot of pain and. Dramatic things that you’re just like man you’re always GonNa have these effing branches. It doesn’t matter. It’s your wings, but you have to get to that point. I love that and you you talk about this like self love self confidence self esteem and I was listening to another of your videos where you talk about the fact that like you are the person, you are going to spend the rest of your life with. So I’m GONNA take the time to love me I. can you tell us before we let you go just your journey of self love how can people begin to love themselves I because sometimes when we’re forgiving other people sometimes we have to figure ourselves I. I would say the journey to self love. Is actually going back to what we just talked about is forgiveness you have to forgive yourself. For any areas of shame. So shame is like the heaviest weighted thing in your in your. In your being And some people are so narcissistic they can go on right not knowing about shame. So the second thing I would say which pertains to them is self awareness. So number one is forgiving yourself. whether you were means yourself as a kid whether you. were. Judgmental about your body judgmental about your smarts, any of those things you have to get to a place where you’re like, you know what I was young no. What are you doing about it? Now what are you doing about it now to fix those things? Okay. So that’s the first step. The second would be to be self aware. To be software to say you know what? I’m not the most confident person. I need to work on my confidence in my thighs I need to be confident about the money I have in my bank. I need be confident about the fact that I’m single and I’ve been single for the last blink years when you own the shit that hides you the shit that hides, you doesn’t own you and that’s the first step to self confidence and self love. You’re just free about it, and then here’s the great thing when you’re genuinely place your whole aura starts to change in your swag and just the way you carry yourself, it gives off this Ramon that screams at men to be attracted to you. It screams men because men look at you and they’re like. Yo What is which you? GotTa get down what what, what are you have? What’s going on they WANNA. Be They want this men don’t fall on insecure women they prey on insecure women that’s the whole situation that happens sometimes when you see.
00:20:01 – 00:25:04
Know Faulty relationships where they prey on each other because they become codependent. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about when Mencia dynamic woman who owns who she is. She’s not perfect and she’s not confident in all areas, but she just owns it and that’s fun. Guys are about about vibes and I think and and women to like. The women are drawn to you too. And I love that you’re bringing up perfection because you know are you hard on yourself? Are you the type of person to get motivated because you’re hard on yourself? I’m I’m I’m hard on myself. Yes but. I’m understanding to I, think like Mirow my assistant. She would know this side of myself like there’s parts of me where I’m hard on myself where I’m like no I know I could do better. This is where I need to be my best and Hold me accountable to that tell me about these areas so I can show up and then there’s areas where I can be like you know what? That’s not. That’s not that important. So I, know my priorities I know where I’m like this is where Jeannie Aces. This is why I need to be all me and then there’s areas where a million somebody else does that that’s not my forte you know. So you have to have that communist because otherwise when you’re too hard on yourself and you expel that energy to be perfect everywhere girls tiring that is so tiring and also immature be good at what you’re great at and let other people excel where you don’t. Yeah and you know you’re right that if if you aim for perfectionism. Often in the West talk about perfectionism like this great thing we should all be. The death of you emotionally mentally. Psychologically Relational -I sexually. There is no perfect. I Know Brandon you’re you’re Kinda hard on yourself. So I was asking that question for you. How do you be less hard on yourself I think the biggest thing that you said that resonates with me is being aware once you know who you are. You’re so much more comfortable and I think at speaking. From my own experience I, know that that forgiveness element as a guy requires vulnerability and I think that that’s not seen as a generally in Western society as a positive element like the you know those that are perceived as. Some degree of weakness in leading things go but like you said once you’ve let it go. You’re so much more powerful because of that. It’s so true. Once you let an and that’s what you said. Again, self-awareness is everything not everybody has it you’ve got to have. Really. Good Group of friends or family that are. Truthful with you to tell you number one and number two, you’ve got to be receiving of it I. We know narcissism is like the biggest thing that we hear about most people will have right. You always find out your ex boyfriend or your ex girlfriend had was a narcissist and then you find out later like get sucked into that. But If you yourself. Are Open to. Bettering yourself to the point that you lead in just a few people that you trust enough to take their criticism of you with a grain of salt to not to not let it beat you up to not. Have it change you for the worst but to actually go okay I could see from that. You know like I have a brother who’s very critical of me very and. I also noticed in his daily habits he’s critical about everything. So might be critical about the food we eat. You might be critical about the restaurant. We just went to the the book just read so I know that that’s in his nature, but when we have had you know. Like some confrontations one of the things he said about me is how I can you know about maybe when I have an argue with him, I can meticulous about certain words and I get on him about that even though maybe he’s just saying it to be He’s just saying that facetiously but I’m like, what do you mean exactly by that word you know and? and. So there’s things he’ll tell me about my habits that I’ll take just from that and go. Okay. So this is a guy who’s very overcritical but number two, he cares about me his my brother number three he’s been right about those places that restaurant wasn’t that great and that book wasn’t that great but it wasn’t like it would change it would ruin my experience it. Just tells me okay he he knows his stuff. So now that I argue with him, let me just sit back and listen more than to be so meticulous about his choice of words and then we can get to communicating resolving faster. So that’s an idea like how Howell take little pieces with a grain of salt and again that’s also part of that self love for you. and. That inner circle matters so much. You’re really close with your family and I think we’re we’re lucky if we have that inner circle who will love us up and have our backs but also call us oh, and it doesn’t always have to be your family. If you don’t have family around, you can build that with good solid friends but you have to be that for friends I don’t expect to just have that everywhere you go with with different random people. But if you offer that first and foremost, always be the type of friend and the relationship that you would want for yourself always. And sure you might get some people who don’t appreciate you but you also might find some life long friendships.
00:25:05 – 00:26:15
And love it I love it. Well, you sound like you’re in the best place I’m so we’re both so happy for you. Thank you for joining us. Now everyone can find you on your podcast. Listen honey. You’re easy to find. Obviously you’re on on a daily talk show the real anything else you WanNa plug before we let you go I just WanNa see the women out there. Don’t ever let somebody treat you like free salsa you were GUAC. Seventy five cent upgrade I. Love It. Thank you so much for joining us. All right. Thank you. Thanks to you too brandon. Take Care of you guys. Oh, that was great. So thank you so much genie for being here. Thank you. You Brandon for being here. You couldn’t get away I was always happy to be here and thanks to you for listening, and of course, thanks to Fem to see be sure to check them out and if you like this podcast, please follow subscribe leave us your feedback, and if you have questions, be sure to reach out wherever you’re at have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jasser, podcast improve your sex life improve your life.