September 25, 2020
“I Love You, Man.” Tantra, Emotional Expression & Opening Up
Emeka Menakaya joins Jess & Brandon to talk about how his studies in tantra have opened him up to improved relationships all around. He shares his insights on how cis men can be more vulnerable and open with one another and discusses his spiritual, emotional and sexual journey.
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I Love You, Man. Tantra, Emotional Expression & Opening Up
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess, podcast sacks, and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr Jasser podcast. I’m your co host Brandon where here with my lovely other half Dr Jess Hey. Hey. How’s it going today? I’m good. How are you? I’m alright. I’m having a I’m having a day. I had I had such a great night last night because I saw a baby owl. I mean a tiny little baby our shorter than your fist bigger than my fist. But shorter than your fist, and this is maybe this comes you know I’m a city slicker I get it we live downtown. We give some context here. We don’t live anywhere where you normally see our indefinitely not baby. They’re so cute. So had this great night last night, but then I also. Made. The mistake of looking at facebook late at night, and of course, you know we tell people to digitally detox every night at the end of the night which I didn’t do and a news article came up about A. Who had who passed away two years ago right now This week and he’s been on my mind it’s weird like I didn’t really think about the Dayton it and I don’t think I even commemorated the date in any way consciously. But subconsciously he’s been on my mind and I brought him up to you a few days ago, and then this article came up that his death is suspicious and they posted pictures of people in the news that they were looking for in in his death and in a an associated robbery with his death. And I couldn’t get the pictures out of my head of these people. So I stayed up all night. really couldn’t fall asleep I probably did sleep for a couple of hours. So all that being said feeling tired and I feel anxious today and my anxieties been higher I wouldn’t say I’m a particular like I wouldn’t say I’m particularly anxious person but since some this big shift in in life and in the news and in what’s going on in the world, I, felt a lot more anxious and as I feel more anxious I notice i. Feel. More frustrated like soul frustrated. So easily little tiny things that I would never. Ever be set off by are just pushing my buttons and I feel like the idea and frustration being connected, and also you know the stuff that’s going on in the world You know obviously Kobe and then all the racist stuff and the awful news that that we’re seeing and they just racial injustice being brought to the forefront obviously weighs heavily on me. It’s you know this topic that I’ve been privately talking about with friends for so many years and that’s been on my mind to I’ve been thinking about how this is like dear diary. I’ve been thinking about how? Over the years I’ve had all these different discussions and debates and I’d say arguments with friends with white friends about racial justice with about white fragility about white privilege about racism and you know we’ve always argued and then six months ago. The mean stream media started talking about these concepts in a new way always been covered in media that I consume and they’ve always been spoken about in circles of people of color and I think about, hey, this is kind of long. Let me get this I think about the fact that I had these arguments with my friends and now they’re smart people right people maybe I don’t. See a ton of like not. I’m not talking about my best best friends but chums, white friends, and now they understand these concepts because obviously you writers and bloggers and podcasters have done a better job expressing themselves and explaining these concepts than I might at the bar while we’re having a drink or over over Genera when I’m you know having a glass of wine and so now. I see some of them kind of coming back to me and wanting to reopen these discussions. And I do want to have these discussions and I feel like as a as a mix person as somebody who is sometimes read as more weight I should have these discussions with white people. But I also like I’m finding it really exhausting. So you asked me how I’m feeling anxious I’m feeling tired and I’m feeling like a little bit frustrated I’m also feeling happy. which is weird to right like I I’m excited because we’re going to go for a hike today and a friend gave a reservation at this winery called Promo said where you can pretty much never get in and the food is fabulous. So yes, all this conflict of finding joy. And really loving life. But also feeling anxious and I’m not. You know I, have to do more work I’m realizing all the things I.
00:05:02 – 00:10:12
Just other people do to assuage their anxiety because I’ve always been a fairly low anxiety person maybe that’s not the right way to put it because my anxiety has always been fairly low I haven’t had to maybe engaged. With as many of the strategies like the deep breathing and the body scans and the you know sitting in moments of gratitude, which is what I ended up doing last night to finally get to sleep get those images out of my mind. So who I know house a lot how are you feeling for real though I mean after listening to you I think. It’s clear that well I also think that some of these items hit very close to home I mean the friend who passed away. He wasn’t an older gentleman he was. He was a professional athlete So I think that that really brought brought back to the forefront not to mention. Everything that’s happening in the world, with Krona, virus as you said in and all the racism and all the you know the protests and and the exhaust an exhausting fight for racial justice, and these are things that I’ve heard you comment on before. And you’re right now there is this toll that’s being taken because I know that these conversations are traumatic to bring them back up again to for people of Color, to be forced into these conversations that honestly I can’t even imagine where it’s like I’ve been talking about this my entire life, and then as a white person I’m like Oh but I, WanNa talk about it now because it’s in the news and then you’re all of a sudden forced to have these conversations that are exhausting and here’s maybe the piece I missed it was in my mind, but it probably didn’t come out of my mouth is that Friends are coming back and bringing up these issues and almost wanting to prove to me that they aren’t racist or that they don’t hold racial bias I. saw him the other day. There’s no such thing as not racist. There’s only anti-racist and I think about like my own internalized racism and how I how I felt about being Chinese when I was younger and how you wanted to reject it in every possible way just so I could fit in and so you can be a person of color living with racial discrimination and still be racist and so yeah I feel like these friends are sort of coming back and saying. Can. I get a cookie ’cause I’m I’m good and you know I’m not giving those. I mean I. Don’t feel like you should anybody should be giving them out I mean I think that. It’s something that we should be doing every white people and this is something I should be doing more of every day I. Mean I make efforts to read up and pay more attention and Yuna speaking out but I don’t speak out enough I mean I’m I’m I’m in real estate, and in the last week, I can think of three instances where people have made blatant racist comments to me about tenants the kind of tenants they won in school districts. These things that I need to speak out against the school district is more latent racism rightly gets coded like language to say, Oh, we don’t will not wear the poor or not whether black or not whether Brown or not whether to Asian and. You know I know this is GonNa. Make people feel a lot of things just hearing me say this you can say all know it’s about the outcomes but why do those outcomes exist like why? Well we know, for example. So candidate slightly different because we don’t have A. Tax Specific funding model in our school district. So it’s not like if you pay more taxes and the region has more money, your district gets more funding. That’s not the way it works I know in many parts of the states that is how it works I don’t think that’s how it works all over the states and I’m certainly not an expert in that but that cofide language and I think. You I know you’ve been talking about learning how how to respond to those things how to say like that’s not cool. Man How to say you know like all tenants like if somebody says something but certain tenants smelling like you know all tenants can be messy. All tenants can creates like it’s not just one type of food. It’s not just one type tenant like I. Remember you showing me picture. Of An apartment with three young white women perfection crush with high paying jobs. That was the dirtiest place I’ve ever seen I couldn’t believe how they lived. It was like living in a dump. You couldn’t open the door because the skis were blocking you from the. Through the door with your big. But this is I wish I had a mask that I warned then going into that place and it was like ten years ago. And it’s not about young white women professionals being dirty. This is about the fact that no one will ever attach that stereotype to them. Known I mean other more blatant obvious things I mean as a as a white guy I mean other white people take liberties in assuming that the reason that they. That they have that that I have to be making comments had somebody the other day say well, you know are there are a lot of Muslim people that live in this neighborhood and I’m like why that’s racist like why not let let’s just let’s sit in that comment for a minute.
00:10:12 – 00:15:23
Well, but and I heard you actually heard you on the phone system the I live in this neighborhood and like some of my neighbors are Muslim some of them are Christian, but we don’t actually ask them when they purchase like. In. I know that you can’t always say, Hey, dude, you’re being slam phobic I I I know that maybe that doesn’t roll off your tongue but just making them uncomfortable which you did will maybe make them second guess themselves the next time they say that and I am sorry we went off on this dancers. In my dear diary and feeling a lot better law I’m glad you’re feeling better I’m feeling worse now that I think about everything that’s going on. But no I mean this this just kind of contributes in exacerbates probably that anxiety that I’m feeling and I’m an assumed that you’re feeling too and I’m I’m guessing that everyone is feeling well, I was actually talking to my therapist yesterday and she have a new therapist which and I’m really liking her already she Arabian Yeah, and she’s toronto-based and. She said that you know these that have haunted you and have weighed on you for years that you may not have had the language to articulate They are at the forefront of everyone’s minds, and so there is more anger and there is more sadness I feel sad I woke. I’ve been meeting a cry. And I think a lot of people are feeling that you know he met with someone yesterday who is talking about something and then all of a sudden burst out crying because we’re just we’re holding so much tension. she’s also a woman of color. Anyhow. This isn’t what we are talking about today I guess I should think everyone listening as a therapist. It feels good though to open up, it feels good to not just always be up right been giving a lot of speeches and when you know when I make these online virtual speeches and you’re trying to get the audience excited and you’re being positive and you know you never showing any of your own feelings except your enthusiasm for the topic and that in itself at the end of the day can be tiring and so it feels good to just. Talk it out in it. Maybe it’s a reminder to that you and I aren’t like sitting down and talking as much as we could be I’m sure we will once the weather cools and I stopped going outside. It. We got a warm day yesterday went for nearly thirty k. combs thirty. Am European say rollerblade but today. Should bring it back. That’s my job, right? So. WE’RE GONNA be talking to a friend of mine who has been studying contra for years and has seen the ways in which contra has taught him to. Open up emotionally and relational. and just sexually because I think entre is. oftentimes bastardized into this thing where it’s like all, you can have sex forever like sting, but he’s going to come come on and talk to us about his experience learning is coming on. Not. He’s too busy. He’s In forty hour. A forty hours excessive before before I welcome on him on. I WANNA give a shout out to Fem to see. So fantasy like fantasy but fem to see an online platform of erotic audio stories. So everything from the romantic and the sensual to Kinky and risque all in audio format no video ads no pop up. So if you’re an audio person like me, this is right up your alley at you can try it for free for a week and you can use code jess for twenty percent discount off the annual membership if that works for us to check them out, Feminazi, I’m already fan. and. So. With all of that being said, let’s welcome our guest actor Entrepreneur Podcasters, student of personal development and friend a Mecca Manica welcome a Mecca. Thanks so much for being here to share your story. It’s a S- thanks so much for having me. I appreciate it. So you are a longtime student of Contra and when we were chatting on your show, the hustlers corner podcast not so long ago. You mentioned that contras important part of your life. So I’d love to get your story what drew you to the practice in the first place. Sure absolutely or you know what? For me was first introduced me. About maybe three years ago I was in a past relationship at the time. And initially, I was a bit hesitant because I really didn’t understand what Tantrum was about And based on what I had heard from side conversation. It was that Tantrum was this This big sex orgy thing where it’s all about you know how long you can stay hard and in a just really eagle driven as opposed to what Contra truly is about But as I started to become more familiar with Tantrum, it’s connection to spirituality my interest in intrigue grew more as I realized that it was you know it was compliments in my own personal development journey.
00:15:24 – 00:20:18
and growth in my rowdy I began I started to become more drawn to it and understanding that it’s really more about in a like a deeper connection with the spirit with your partner with your body and Really about love really it’s not just it’s not some Eagle, driven bingo physical thing where it’s all about you know sex sex sex sex as as. As maybe social media or or add add add companies. In poetry sex to beat or sex cells as they said, everything sex sells everything but it’s really more about you know a deeper connection with the spiritual partner with your body as well. Well, then have to ask, did you consider yourself spiritual prior to encountering Tatra at raised with with Jim with spirituality I? Think you were raised in in Nigeria you’ve lived in in the states in now in Canada what’s what’s your background prior to? Approaching, Contra. Vergara question yes. So I was raised Osborne rousselet Julia in a Christian home and Like like most like most cultures sex wasn’t really you know that compensation at the dinner table or really anywhere in the household to be honest. My parents, we never had a conversation about sex in school and never. taught sex at all the only. Exposure for such that I that I had growing up. Like A teenager was watching porn and stuff like that but Going to Nigeria just and there was this shame or blasts music. You could say that that was that surrounded sex like you know if. I. I grew up in a household of where four boys and my mom was very She was very strict the very protective which you know looking back now light I appreciate. Her Disciplinary. Techniques I guess but she was very strict where were not allowed to have. Female visitors in house were not allowed to. You know she was very strict about that because those this fear I guess that you know. I. Could get you know we could get somebody pregnant somebody can get pregnant at a very young age and there’s a lot of shame that comes with that where it’s like. You know you’re you’re not married and you already know you have to go pregnancy Ed. Almost seen as a castaway. So sexy was. Just wasn’t something right hours view the exposed to your compensation was had at home but in my past relationship Will about three years ago when I was introduced to it it at I just kinda because it was something new I was a bit hesitant but as I started to take the courses and really started to understand. The connection with spirituality and empowerment that it it brings. It just starts to make more and more sense to me to me tantrums really like the real sex ED. So to speak, but in the absence of every other type of sack set. So you talk about shame not on the shame around sex but the shame around I guess the social piece like if were to get someone pregnant, it would bring in shame to the family and so those messages I, presume get you know inter- intertwined with your ideas about sex. So how did you overcome sexual shame was was contra apart of that or was that journey started A Long Time Ago Tom was definitely a part of that I mean growing up. As a as a male as a guy going up you know it’s amongst your friends when sex comes up, it’s about Oh. You Know How many? How many girls can you know like? Did you sleep with her? Did you it was really ego driven so the shame didn’t really. Come from that per se but as I started to. You know take the courses in contra and you start to become more vulnerable and because when you will with instructors, it’s all about what are you looking to? What are you looking to get out of this course? Like some people take contra for several reasons THEY WANNA, you know try to jet riddle blockages blocks they may have in letting go false narratives and judgments and Shimmer on sexuality or if you’re looking to just you know strike or have a deeper connection with their partner or how to convey their emotions, how to communicate more.
00:20:19 – 00:25:13
It all depends on what? You know individuals looking to get out of time. for me surroundings. Shame it was. The third stick, the course started go more more vulnerable it only certain triggers childhood surrounding sexuality would come up. When you’re told you know don’t do this. Don’t do that or if I ever see girl in this house, it’s going to be this is going to be that And just really confronting those those their typical. What’s the word I’m looking for? Just you know stereotypes like that where? Set West Sexuality was never talked about it was almost blasphemous. Can I the certain interrupt? Can I ask you what the courses that you took the because I think we you know have not having had taken a contra course myself like a formal course. What’s what does it entail? Exactly? So I So I’ve taken three different courses on three different instructors My first experience was hearing GTA Mississauga. It was a small group where the instructor she was actually have in hosted. A male class was teaching a male class and a female class upstairs downstairs in her in her. In her place different age ranges and you know within within the male group like a year other guys talk about their experience to talk for their vulnerabilities, what they’re looking to gain from the course Tundra really provide that. Safe Space. For what you’re looking to achieve or gain from from Tatra you know what is a deeper connection with my partner deep understanding of my sexuality be more expressive. Towards my partner my emotions and like I said earlier, remove any blockages. Second experience that I had was. was wallows in Pash relationship in Thailand was with a couple who travel the world and Taught Tundra and You know. While they’re course was more tailored towards couples. ’cause we gone for you can be single ticket entrepreneurs. You can be a relationship with take a contra tantrum course. You don’t have to necessarily be relationship you can be settled on so taken. So that course was the one in Thailand was a heavy focus on like different breathing techniques, meditations, and are an affirmation with your partner as well as touch. But and I was owes exposed to different. You know different concepts and terms I’d never heard before Or for example, Yoni I’d never heard of it before you only use another term for. For. For China. Lingam. I never that before wrestler the term forward for the peanuts. And different breeding techniques like the like the tantrums system where they have would have different pillars that. Best Focus around meditation. Movements Connection Pleasure. As, well as. Other techniques so for example. Technical to color breathing. Meditation which really helps those on your breathing and helps you be presence. is a different type of meditation called the Fire Meditation, where has to do with breathing holding your breath contracting release in. Also pulsing and unlike a lot of pelvic movements Colder kiss meditation where you’re sitting directly from your partner and you have your right hand on your. Heart. So to speak and you’re breathing in almost at the same time slowly being presence looking at your partner I I Really, being vulnerable and for for someone who? You know. would. Of Myself Bustle. Folks who man I’ve never done stuff like that floor or have. Somebody now I, just really allow yourself to be vulnerable. It can be it can be a bit weird. Oh. You know so to speak but it’s it’s truly amazing. That my third experience. was was an online course that I took with The late saw is the door took that course on Mine Valley and. Her course just had a lot to do with like sort of like eight different modules. Modules for couples for singles acid, for example, like like the seven levels of intimacy which are tied selected about seven chocolate systems was a module on sacred sexuality where it really goes into deeper.
00:25:16 – 00:30:04
Deeper description. On Sacred Sexuality for example, soul sex where you know you’re really being presence at releasing your five senses to magnify experience with a partner. Sir, did. You find that initially the the the difference to your sex life was noticeable like after one or your intro course. Did it immediately change your sex life. I felt like for me did in a sense that. Let me step back for a second because. Once I started to. Get some the concepts on the signing of of tantric sex. I realized that actually experienced like that before. In a past relationship it’s really more about a deep connection with your partner as opposed to just something physical and not much connection, but having gained the knowledge. After taking the first course. I noticed that sexual experience was even more if more pleasurable, it was even more. Stronger with my partner. I. It wasn’t anything. It wasn’t just wasn’t anything physical. It was just pure pure love pure bliss I definitely notice a huge difference with them. And we know that in the West entre gets kind of reduced to sex itself to something. As you said, more ego driven more goal oriented. I think that sting talking about he lost however many hours I can’t even remember you know or having bigger orgasms but. What I’m curious about is how the study of Contra has actually changed the way you move through the world and the way you relate to others as well. good question because Even with so like with with my third course that I took online on tonsure with the late psalmist door, one of the one of the modules talks about sex beyond bedroom tantrum on the bedroom where you actually take that into the world and you’re having this tantric experienced everywhere you go and that really has a lot to do with being present. and. Master in your energy. Tights seven chocolate systems as well where we be mastering energy being. Present. one of you walk into a room solemn big fill, your energy, your presence It’s it’s all tied to. Hate I. Sound redundant but it’s all types really being present in the moments and I just letting herself be and connection in a free flow with with everyone around you because well, because we’re all spiritual beans right moral. Spiritual beings. So you can you can feel the energy you know within the room or with someone if you need song for the first time, there’s this energy you can feel you know depending if it’s reciprocated but. Haven’t been exposed to trust. It allowed me to take that into the world where I’m hundred percent president would’ve ongoing. where? You know you say you don’t want to sound redundant with being present or mindful but that is I don’t WanNa. Say That’s everything. But. That’s what lets us. Be and move through life and we live in a world where we really do move through mindlessly right where we’re thinking about the next thing were watching a show but we’re also on our phone we’re having a conversation, but we’re thinking about what comes next. And it seems to me that practices like Contra. And there are many different approaches to this, allow you to kind of be in your body. As you said, focusing on the five senses be with yourself or be with another person. And do it without judgment, right? I imagine that’s a big part of it and and you talk about vulnerability and I’m curious about how? Any of your instructors, whoever did it most effectively encouraged you to be vulnerable because it’s easy to say, Hey, be vulnerable or express your vulnerable feelings. But how do we actually how do we actually facilitate that process effectively I’m thinking about, for example, the men’s group that you attended how do you get people to open up when we live in a world that tells men or people in particular man that you don’t you don’t say that you’re feeling scared you don’t feel that you’re saying you don’t say that you’re feeling apprehensive. Yeah. No. You’re absolutely right because. Again, just going back to the way I was raised in a culture where you’re not.
00:30:04 – 00:35:11
Supposed sex presser emotions or feelings you’re not supposed to. Be Seen as well as if you experts your emotions or feelings, you’re seen as weak. which is completely ridiculous because best you know there’s a lot of masks with masculinity I mean. Men or manage human beings. We can’t. We can’t be this strong fieger hundred percent of the time. We feel things where we should be able to express ourselves and how we feel especially was apartment. So within in my in my first haunts recourse, where was you know she had the different groups yet the male and a female groups within the male groups just here in the other guy speak ’cause away guys we know from different ages and different backgrounds. Those guys was like sixty or seventy, and he was talking about the expense retiring has taken to four. X. Amount of years and and the other guys some folks were new to it as well. But just Erin other men speak about this kind of allowed me to sort of just be grounded and to growl myself and just allow myself to. Anal to express my feelings at how how I feel about certain situations how I feel about you know any type of blockages that you know. Men Go through whatever it’s E. D. or anything like that traumas from the past you know. Sexual traumas from their past those those gentlemen who was explaining or telling his story where he had He had. been sexually abused at a young age and put. A dense in his In his perception of sex, his interest in sex. So even here in a guy talk about that, it’s not something that most men you know. At a table share and beers just talk about you know that’s something that we try to keep within could be seen a shameful. Or and were self judging ourselves. So for me and also the time. Before that I hadn’t always been. I never really express myself emotionally and it’s something that I continued to practice to to you know to practice doing to be able to just express yourself how you feel. If you love someone out. At, the you know have the will have the strength who expresses tell the person will how you feel about the person but growing up just because I was never exposed to that. and. I carried that into my adult but with contra it’s is helping each chip that away slowly. I love that and I hope that it’s also helping you to to express those feelings beyond intimate relationships because one thing that you know we observe is that in the heterosexual context, men will talk to a female partner about how they’re feeling and there’ll be may vulnerable with that one person. But then the onus of emotional receipt and emotional energy falls on that one person and so I love the idea of you know group of Manner Group of anybody but particularly men, I. Think are stymied in in the capacity or in the permission to talk about their feelings that the idea of being able to sit with your friends and talk about how you’re feeling. Tell a friend how much you care about them to let them know that the relationship matters and it doesn’t have to be in one specific way like it doesn’t have to be in the kind of Western clinical. You know I really appreciate this relationship. There’s lots of ways to show appreciation. And so do you find you are more open to having those conversations with your friends as well? Obviously I. Am I do I even to encourage you know some of my friends who have not been exposed to tonsure or any flight all not even not even with Tom for just having those conversations, you don’t necessarily need to be exposed to talk expression sold for how you feel or even to tell another guy, another male front Joe Meant I. Love You. Thank you so much for being there for me. You know what I love. You know life is short. You know giving giving you flowers right now so you can have. Absolutely. I. Have these conversations with my friends these days and just try to get them to. In. Oh. Lawyer Guard that it’s okay. It’s okay. No one is coming to get you. It’s okay. How did your friends initially respond when you opened up that way for the first time because I think a lot of I mean I’m not going to speak about a lot of men but I think my own experiences that when I first started having those conversations with the very select few friends that I felt I could it really changed the way that I just the way that I felt in general so how did you have that? How did you kind of jump into that with your friends? How did you open up like that? I think so those are conversations with.
00:35:12 – 00:40:01
A relationship that had ended and ended in a way that I was really really feeling hurt about situation and just trying to talk to some of our friends about it. And they didn’t really understand. Why you know, why am I? Feeling this lull or hanging onto this feeling for so long. and. Just trying to have a conversation with them expensive I look man. You feel the way you feel you also have felt this way before you may not have the strength to speak up or talk about it. But that’s why I’m having this conversation right now as brothers men listen if you’re ever feeling down if you’re ever feeling goal, you need to talk I’m here. So I’m just extended his hand to is just knowing that I just. So you know that I’m here for you if you ever in a situation like this. You know we can talk about it. I’m letting you guys know my situation what I was going through what at the time what else going through and? A mere few. Let’s talk about this because outside of even six al-Qaeda sexuality whether it’s dealing with. Depression or mental illness. Any anything really where there’s a stigma around, you know showing the stigler rounded. This week if we talk about it just trying to encourage those conversations with my friends and slowly they actually became more and more receptive and appreciative of that because sometimes it takes one person to speak up and for everyone else to be like. Thank you for doing that. Yeah. That that expression of vulnerability from one person can be so disarming especially when sociocultural norms are saying, hey, you can’t do this when somebody does it it gives everyone else permission and I think back to an event that and made spoken about this before for for folks listening in Jamaica many many years ago I ended up with too many people in my group and I ended up splitting the groups. And Brandon ended up being with this group of guys and the topic was jealousy. And you know I would say this was a fairly performed group. It was a group of people what we call in the lifestyle. Also I know some people don’t use this language anymore but like basically swingers primarily American, all in Male female relationships. most of the guys would identify a straight. And When Brandon started talking about you know his first experiences with jealousy all of a sudden the guys who were silence started speaking up because it was like Oh this this guy who seems fairly Alpha seems to be in this happy relationship. His wife is clearly you know a a leader because I was leading the group. He’s comfortable saying Hey, I’ve struggled with this and then they were them I remember sitting at breakfast the next morning and guys come up up and being like chess you know your doctor just but that Brandon. Brandon really helped us to open up and it’s just the sharing of your your truth. You talked about something with regard to kind of letting judgment go the relinquishment of judgment allows you to be present in the moment and say what you’re feeling as opposed to worrying about like how is someone else going to react to what I have to say and and maybe with the understanding that their reaction is their own like I I don’t have to worry about judgment because it’s actually not about me. I. Remember that I do remember that presentation and you said a few words that resonate it was being vulnerable and I was the first person to obviously start sharing my insecurities. And I was surprised that other people. Realize that I was insecure about certain things and I was just like listen. This is just my experience. You can judge me if you WANNA judge me no one did. I was vulnerable I was real and it like you said as soon as I opened up, everybody else opened up and it created this really nice environment where we started sharing experiences and That everything changed with like two lines right and as soon as we started down that path, it was it was a real A weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know that I had. Which I thought was really interesting like this is just my experience and how I feel and then when I said it was like wow I feel really good after having had said that even though I didn’t know I needed to and then everybody else started doing the same thing and then you know forty five minutes later. The conversation kind of wound to a close and everyone was like that was a lot deeper than I think we thought it was going to be. Great she gives some context we were at hedonism. So people are there for you know a good time.
00:40:01 – 00:45:15
Not necessarily. I. Think you know emotional vulnerability, but it’s interesting. You say it that way brandon about a weight being lifted and I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through life ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years never getting to say, Hey, I’m sad or I feel weak or I feel scared I feel intimidated or I feel unworthy or I feel lonely and that’s not an experienced that’s unique to men but I do think that men are assigned a role, a singular role of strength and actually that’s one of my criticisms of. Of the language of Tom Tra- least the way it’s used in the West with masculine and Feminine Energy I’ve seen a shift in some of the decolonizing tonsure conversations to focus on the specific qualities talking about whether that’s strengthened assertion or softness in vulnerability and not have a need to assign a binary gender to you know if this, if you’re feeling strong, it’s tapping into your male energy. If you’re feeling weak or vulnerable, it’s tapping into your female. Why can’t we just call them what they are as opposed to dividing into, which is exactly what we’re trying to undo yet were reinforcing it with his language and I just I love the Mecca where you’ve. Taken this conversation It’s really not just about sex and of course, sexist better if you’re able to be vulnerable but that’s only one of the crawler benefits. So I have to ask you before we let you go if you have any insights for folks who have trouble being vulnerable or have trouble opening these conversations and I count myself in there because I’m really good at opening up with some people and with other people in my life who really do love I put up walls. So like I mean I know the abstract of lack of judgment and be in the moment but what can I do? What can we do in a concrete way to to cultivate this? And Connection and presence by by being more vulnerable like what language what I don’t know what Physical Act did you learn or you know have you picked up along the way? Well you know first of all, I’ll just say to Brandon Kudos to you for speaking up at that At that retreat at because I think that was just powerful. I also Kudos to you for doing that. Thank you. Absolutely absolutely what’s requested question I. Think. For A lot of people full folks that are listening right now men women and speaks amend specifically here. There is strength. And vulnerability the notion that if you you know allow yourself to to be seen for who you are is a sign of weakness is is a very false narrative. It’s really all about self love. You know owning yourself owning you. Are you know? You are. You’re imperfectly perfect. There’s no such thing as As Perfection Nelson Narrative about trying to be being strong willed time or holding things in being hard and rigid. It’s It’s it’s it’s not a happy life. Truly No, you’re not happy like. I. I read Bruni Brown’s book the power of vulnerability and really helped expose. more ex you know at that really exposed me to just being. T to finding the strength and being vulnerable loving myself and my entirety you know. And letting go of self judgments and in doing. So judgment of others because if I look at somebody and I’m judging person I’m really judging myself it’s really a reflection of how I think about how I feel about myself mind securities So I think it starts with self love and allowing yourself to slowly it’s definitely going to happen overnight it’s practice life lifelong practice by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and Knowing that there is. Strength Invulnerability. Nobody can take that away from me I love that and I appreciate the you know focus on not having to be perfect because you you’re you know you’re talking about this mindset right now and I know you spend a lot of time on the hustlers corner talking about mindset and overcoming fears and facing fears and hardship But also you know you have your days where you are gonNA be self judging and we’re GONNA catch yourself judging I notice I have what I call right now the the Cova Tude where I’m just like. Oh you’ve got some. I definitely have so we’re, and then I have these moments of lucidity where I feel a lot of love for everyone and I actually physically. Visualize moving from my heart lake moving toward people from my chest like I’m touching it now and feeling it now, and it’s just that that for me for some people like we all have different grounding techniques whether it’s taking some deep breaths or using some of the breathing techniques you talked about or meditation breathing me I just visualize.
00:45:15 – 00:49:50
Kind of when I’m really mad at someone like let’s say there’s someone in my family really pissing me off and then you know you go into a hole where everything they do pisses you off and you’re angry and I think about how short life is and how you know what family means to me, and how they’re going to be in my life forever for as long as I’m here, which is hopefully a long time and I literally. It keeps saying literally, but I visualize my heart moving toward them and maybe when I put it in words, it sounds really weird to other people. But for me I think about the do I, love that person? Do I WANNA move with love or do I want to move with anger and it doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel angry at times but I had a a little I. Guess Moment of Enlightenment a week ago on a hike. because I think I was holding onto some anger for a couple of people in our families and I. Just I don’t know why it just kind of dissipated and It came from being vulnerable came from saying. I can be angry about what I perceive as their actions or. What I’m really feeling here right which is truthfully right now I’m feeling frustrated over the situation that we’re living in. I’ve feeling scared I’m feeling uncertain I’m feeling conflicted and I’ve mentioned this before on the podcast that I you know I know that I have a good life and that I’m grateful and this is just an inconvenience to me whereas for other people this is life and death. So I feel conflicted by being you know having that secondary emotion of like. Actually be so upset because life is good and so. Yeah, I just really appreciate that you’ve opened up conversations for yourself for your friends from me right I’m spewing now. To Express. Ourselves. Because I knew I hold a lot of feelings in and as Brandon said, it’s it’s a weight that we walk around with. I I love the idea just just saying just starting like be the one for me. It was be the one to be vulnerable with your friends. Put yourself out there. Say something I’m not feeling good i. m feeling good I. I love you like you’re my friend and I want you to know that life is short. I do I love you kind of out of the blue. And to somebody who hasn’t heard that from you before. Can Be Really. can be an amazing experience. So I mean for me, that’s what I I you know something I I took it of what you said here is just not vulnerability element that I’ve always believed in, and then it’s just taking that leap and making that statement. Out Thank you so so much a mecca predate your insights. Thanks for Your Time Today folks can find you on your hustlers corner podcast. I believe you all also just recently. Put out a book. Can you tell us a little bit about that and where they can find? or Yes sure absolutely I’m obviously a book it’s titled The hustlers Mindset a guide to help cultivate your mind and personal beliefs to achieve your goals and dreams. It’s available on Amazon right now and what I. Did was just partner up with big sisters where I’m donating the proceeds from the sales of the book to their youth. Development Program it’s it’s a book for anyone who has In the face of adversity going through a rough patch and you just need some quick tips to help. Motivate you to keep you going. It’s a book also dedicated to the Youth to to you today who feel. Insecure or feel like they’re not good enough for worthy and it’s just It’s it’s. It’s it’s that I created just to help empower. Empower people and and do an and a world as well. So yeah. I love it the hustlers mindset and I’ll put the link in the show notes I’m going to buy that right now. Happy to hear your supporting big brothers. Big Sisters again for your time today. Absolutely. Thanksgiving meal pursuit. And thank you to you for joining US I. Hope You have someone in your life to whom you can express love in action’s or physical affection or with quality time or gifts or. And of course, in words, you know even if they aren’t ready to express love in the same way, your authentic expression, I think we’ll ultimately just enrich the relationship. So Babe I, Love You love you to appreciate you and I appreciate y’all. So wherever you’re at, I hope you’re feeling loved today and every single day. You’re listening to the sex with Dr, Jess podcast improve your sex life improve your life.