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August 28, 2020

Sex Talk With My Mom: Cougars, Confidence & Grieving The Loss of a Spouse

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Mother-son duo Karen Lee and Cam join Jess and Brandon to share their story of loss, love and podcasting. They chat about:

• Grieving the loss of Karen Lee’s husband and Cam’s dad
• How to have more sex-positive conversations
• How to date with confidence
• Cam’s dating struggles and stories
• How to be more vulnerable with your parents and children
• Leaning into the awkwardness of dating and talking about sex
• How Cam and Karen Lee came together and started this podcast
• How they dealt with the death of Cam’s father together
• How they get over the discomfort and were able to be vulnerable with one another
• How Cam as a young man brought more sensitivity to dating and sex
• Karen Lee’s advice as a single woman, getting past the grief from her late husband

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Sex Talk With My Mom: Cougars, Confidence & Grieving The Loss of a Spouse

00:00:05 – 00:05:00

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess, podcast sacks, and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex, with Dr, Jeff Podcast I’m your co host Brandon wear here with my lovely other half. Dr Jess, how you doing good. Let’s see how lovely. When’s the last time you talked about sex with your mom? Nineteen Ninety Four Sixteen Probably what did they talk about? I’ve said this before it was a one liner don’t come home with a kid. And I also went to a Catholic school even though I’m not Catholic and we’ve learned about the rhythm method. And abstinence what did you learn about the rhythm method? I don’t remember very much which is scary and they just said I mean especially time. To your partners or you know the the person with whom you having sex time there period which essentially. Kind of erodes away any sort of hookup culture or anything like that also. Requires. Quite a bit of communication to understand your partners period. I just wanted somebody to touch my junk. Did you get that no I mean if I count myself. Yeah. All the time but you’re pretty good at it. Right? I was I thought I was excellent. So What if your mom came on the podcast you think she talked sex with us I think she would what would it be like? What would we talk about? I want to say that it would be awkward but I don’t know how awkward it would be and I don’t know what we would talk. We talk about our sex life. We certainly wouldn’t talk about her sex life. Now that wouldn’t be fair. Yeah I mean? I. Don’t know how open my mom would be about having this conversation about what she hasn’t hasn’t done. Well, the reason I bring it up today we’re going to be talking to the host of a podcast mom and son team their podcast. It’s it does very well, it’s called sex talk with my mom. So you’re going to get to talk to mom about sex just not your mom about sex and not my mother. I’m cool. The one day as she get my mum on the PODCAST Lot’s Giggling, she would giggle a lot a lot and then she’d talk and talk and talk and talk. We wouldn’t give her headsets then she wouldn’t be able to hear, right. Before. They join US I want to say thank you to. Let’s get checked dot com. You can check them out for at home testing for a range of options from vitamins to thyroid to iron to Cortisol to Sti Test Ovarian Reserve tests. All of these tests you can do at home including testosterone has they mail you the package you send back the sample and you check online. So it’s let’s get checked dot Com please use code Dr Jess D. R. J. E. S. S. at checkout. Now let’s dive in to the topic at hand sex. Talk with my mom, we are joined by Karen Lee, and Cam. Canley Hosa show called Karen Lee. Love. It’s all about dating sex and cougars, and she created the show after becoming a widow and re entering the singles world. She has also written two books. One is a cougars guide to getting your ass back out there and the other is eff games, date cougars but the you is a little asterix in case anyone’s looking forward and her son is a Chicago Brad E. Base Comedian Cam has appeared on America’s got talent, Silicon Valley and modern. Family. To catch up on those episodes I’ve got to go look for his his role there. He actually graduated from Stanford and then he went to clown school which I wish I had done very cool and then ended up starting this podcast with his mom about sex Karen Lee and Cam are joining us now from afar and were were so fascinated and inspired by your story because they can’t possibly be easy to have a sex talk with your mom twice a week. So you have to tell us how you both got started. Yeah. I don’t know why nude would want to do this actually. Honestly. Know, it actually brought us much closer. It has led to some crazy experiences, but it is not a very traditional path that we’ve taken. Since the path has been taken, we have found that there are a lot of followers. That want to take the same path with us which is great. That is true. So we we get into you like why the hell we’re doing. I mean we were always very open Talking about. Anything personal it came up growing up. The actually start with like private talks that you would have with my sister and I’d be like I want to get in on that. and.

00:05:02 – 00:10:06

Then, eventually cans WanNa talk late at night. That’s what they wanNA talk tonight and. Mike Eleven o’clock, I’m a night owl so it worked out perfectly. and. Then eventually, my friends got got in on this and they would go to her for like any relationship advice or just to tell her funny stories. So, we had a very open dialogue and then when I was seventeen. My Dad was murdered which kind of flipped our lives upside down. and. That it was it was a moment when we really had to make a decision whether this is going to pull us together not or or whether this is going to be something we can deal with and. Kind of shirk away from on her own. Some decided to do together. Was a pretty immediate choice. You, want to take it from here. Mom. Okay. So I’m about six months later as you might have guessed, I got really horny because I hadn’t had sex in a while and I’m just lightning this up here Jessica. I love it. I love it. All right anyway So. What happened was I started dating again and I thought well, you know what? I need some help need I looked on Youtube. I couldn’t find anything out there. That would help like forty something year old women. who wanted to enter the dating world again and so. I decided well, you know if you can’t beat them join them, I’ll just go ahead and start my own youtube channel. So I decided to start a youtube channel. Four women who wanted to get there s back out there again. Either they’re divorced or day era widow like myself, and so I got very little response. Say I don’t even know what that point women in their forties and fifties at knew how to work youtube. Desire to work youtube anyway at turned out there mostly eighteen to thirty, five year old horn guys that were loving what I was talking about and wanting to. So I started leaning into that and interviewed Porn Stars in sexologists like yourself and and it became a pretty big sensation. So I decided well, I still want to help those women I wrote a book. and. I redefined the word Cougar to be a confident older unique, genuine, assertive, and racy woman, and I wrote a book called a guy to getting your aspect out there. So, here’s where Cam comes into the picture again. Yeah. So This is obviously very traditional upbringing and. I didn’t really know how to deal with all this awkwardness. So I was doing stand up at the time and I was like, why? Why don’t I just start incorporating this into my act and I at first like one joke related to my mom having this. You know sex dating cougar. Youtube Channel, and then eventually it became the whole act. And I was like, okay, there’s something here we should just collaborate. Since we’re talking about the same stuff at this point and we made this podcast five years ago called sex talk with my mom, and then it became like a twice weekly show. And where we our goal now is to just open these conversations around sex and anything you typically wouldn’t talk about the parent. Mainly because we know what it’s like when you lose a parent, you miss out on you. It really puts everything in perspective about. How there’s no reason to live with with such shame when you live such a short period of time, you know talking about it you can really except parts of yourself that you you might shy away from. And you learn all you must. Better. You must understand one another so much more deeply and with so much more vulnerability because you’re talking about a topic that is often. Off Limits. So how how did you get over the discomfort? Of speaking with one another and how other people learn from that. I mean it started simple. We started with like masturbation. And then There was awkward to talk about it. I felt my whole body resisting talking about it. And then slowly became like that became comfortable and there was a new. Level of There was a new boundary created maybe anal and we’re like we’re never going to talk about anal. And then we talked about eight. Here we are now. We don’t just talk. Sax. It’s not. It’s. It’s everything that is to boo everything that you normally wouldn’t talk about with a family member and the more you do the closer you become it’s difficult but and it’s awkward but we found that it really helps.

00:10:06 – 00:15:01

Our relationship but the rest of our families relationships. So I, I have an older. Daughter and a younger son. And more all extremely close I’m very comfortable talking about any issue because I think in part of this podcast. Well, and I think you know having uncomfortable conversations shows you that if you have an uncomfortable conversation, you will survive the relationship will survive I. Think oftentimes, we avoid it because we’re afraid of a consequence. The negative consequence that they that we fear his is so irrational. So when you talk about, you know speaking about other topics, you talk about you know sensitive approaches. So Cam I was reading that you know you’re not into hookup culture and so I think that when people hear, Oh, I host a podcast on sex with my mom and we talk about anal and we talk about master. Clock with my mom. A lot of be sex talk with my mom and I’m like, no, it’s not sex with my mom at sex talk with mom. Sex. Talk with my mom that’s a whole other topic sex but that’s not what you’re doing. You’re just doing the talk, but you know you say you’re not into hookup culture a difficult as a young man to bring more sensitivity to dating and sex and has this conversation help to help you to find you know your own sexual values. I think it has I mean. I’ve always thought of myself an anomaly because I would compare myself to friends in college who are just like. Effing for sport basically whoever you know whoever they could possibly have sex with they’ll do and and I was always like this feels. So effing weird because emotions get involved and their emotions are involved inevitably it’s like hurting people I mean I was really confused by it. Honestly I still am confused by it. and. I think that having these conversations like with or five years like interviewing people like every week we interview one guest in just hearing where they’re coming from in the type of sex they’re enjoying or the relationships they’re engaging. It gives me a perspective that I might not be the strangest person out there that I’m not just the ugly duckling. Now, we found that a lot of people relate to cam who who initially thought they were going to relate to me, and then we’re actually switched to they relate to camp. That’s a really I think that’s a really beautiful outcome because it shows that we’re so multi-dimensional right now I can have all the demographics in common with one of you but my my approach emotionally might be like the person who I’m far different from an e Cam when you talk about emotions and sex my approach is that no human interaction none whether. You’re walking down the street and passing somebody or driving in the car, and you’re trying to cut them off or having sex. No human experience is devoid of emotion. Now, that doesn’t mean that we have to always tie sex to love and romance and long term commitment. But there, there are always emotions involved in a mole is worried that in hookup culture which by. The way I fully support, of course, people should be allowed to just hookup casually but even within casual sex emotions are involved. You know it’s the reason I was talking about ordering a coffee and if you go order a coffee and the Baristas route to you, you have an emotional reaction, right? No Matt, and if they’re really kind to you, you have an. Emotional reaction and so sex. Of course, any interaction with another person can’t be without emotion. So how have you tapped into your emotions? Have you found way to better express your feelings as a young man who is often prescribed emotional I don’t WanNa say ineptitude but emotional almost like a blank slate you’re not supposed to feel so much. How have you found your language? I Yeah I mean I pick the PODCAST has definitely helped in that way like. I’m able to talk about uncomfortable things that my mom. I could definitely have an uncomfortable discussion with someone I’m dating like I just told someone very recently like it was our first or second date, and that was like it really scares me to date you. In for a variety of reasons, but you know I it is there’s a if there’s A. Like a disparity between what like my penis wants in what my my brain is telling me like. I really want to have sex with this person but at the same time I, don’t know if we’re going to be a long term relationship, it could really create attention there. I think I’m more comfortable saying that now than I ever been, but it’s still a scary conversation tell someone. That’s a really powerful statement to say you know this scares me I think that North Americans in particular don’t like to. Admit Vulnerability.

00:15:02 – 00:20:02

We feign vulnerability in a Lotta ways in many ways, but we don’t really say like this is really scary for me. How do people that you’re dating respond when they find out that you host? podcast with your mom when you talk about sex and your relationships knowing that you know, is there the concern that this is going to be the the subject never future podcasts? They’re probably like, Oh, you gotta take me home to meet Mama. They WanNa meet her. So badly, this has been like an issue There’s a lot of there’s a lot of interconnectedness to that. Yeah, it is a really tricky situation. In You know I tried so many different approaches to this I’ve I’ve tried you know just talking about my perspective and trying to leave them out as much as possible inevitably. Sharing about something intimate that I you know. I wasn’t comfortable with. Like, okay. What if I tell you about all everything we’re GonNa talk about on the show and like okay you could do that. Then I do that and they’re like Yo lead to. Way More challenging conversations sometimes for the better sometimes, it would lead to conversations that open things up. But AMC getting to the point now where it’s like, it’s just not worth it. If like talk about a relationship, you had a year ago just leave everything current out of it just because. Inevitably. Affects the relationship at hand. which I don’t really want. And are people intimidated by the fact that you that you are talking about sex with your mom like are they? I don’t know do they get intimidated by the notion that maybe you have a closer more vulnerable relationship with one another then you might have with them. I think that might be that definitely might be true. But I don’t think they’re comfortable sharing that with me. Yeah. The vulnerability piece of having to say they feel insecure and then there’s the. There’s also the western notion that you knew the person with whom you’re in an intimate relationship that has to be the closest, and that’s certainly not the case for many people I hear so many people especially straight girls will say that a straight women will say, Oh, you know I wish I could marry my best friend meaning they feel closer and more emotionally connected to their best friend with whom they have a platonic or non sexual relationship but there’s nothing wrong with that. You know people fulfill one another’s needs in different ways and that’s why I’m so. You know And really admire the way the two of you will talk and and be close and not be threatened by breaking taboos because this is a real this. Yeah. This is such a taboo and like you said people saying sex with my mom or you know people do the same thing with me they just say sex with just and you know. And and I get it that they’re just people are uncomfortable with sex. So they have to make jokes about Saxon and that’s fine. I. Mean you’re a comedian. So hopefully you’re you’re good at making. Jokes about sex and anchoring lease. So you are you self identify as a cougar. I do because I when I became single I was trying to figure out like not that I needed a label but I people would say, are you a melts? You know what? What what’s going on here and I’m like you know I would like to identify with something but I the only thing I can think of is the word Cougar if I was going to have to choose one minute sounded like a mature woman is like a hat ma’am it just nothing really like rang true. So I Use. That term and use the Acronym and just said. Would define myself as a competent. It’s basically a confident woman. With experience and it just the phenomenon of younger men like being so attracted to older women is fascinating to me. I was I was I mean I? I became newly single forty eight something like that and Nine Times out of ten, the guys walking up to my table at a bar would be when we can walk up to people bar Younger, guys I was like, wow they got some Paul’s walking up to me. You know that takes a lot of nerve. Right and there there’s a big appeal I mean you’ve probably seen the data about milk porn and how commonly searched and. I’ve actually talked to some some porn actors who have said that they they don’t even like the term myself not because they don’t embrace it but because it just sucks for women after a certain age automatically considered a mom so you’re either virgin or the horror but. Some of the desire from porn isn’t necessarily about mothering. It’s really about the ability to nurture or sexual mastery. Or some expectation of dominance and teaching. So there are all these different layers to it. Yeah. Now is that something that you WanNa take on? Is that too much pressure. So if you have experienced with large age gap relationships with a young person, a younger date, you might feel like it could be fun to teach them but is there a point at which it becomes burdensome? While for one thing I am living with a man, I’m younger considerably younger than me and we’ve been very committed monogamous relationship for twelve years.

00:20:02 – 00:25:02

So I I don’t. Date younger guys anymore in terms of new new younger guys and for another thing. I did just complete and and published a book called Eff Games, day cougars, which you know is a compiler of all like texts or comments and questions and answers over the years of doing this Youtube Channel for young and all the other social platforms obviously for younger guys that are checked older women and vice versa. and. The viability of a relationship like mine you know I. It’s possible and there’s plenty of people out there doing it. And do you think there are lessons to be learned? You know when you say Eff Games, date cougars do you think older older daters are older people and listen I use that term huge amount of subjectivity. Some people to some people I’m much older data to other people you much younger person Do you think there’s something to be learned? Are Folks who are older more honest? Are they less likely to play games? I would love to see people of all ages embracing this and not playing gas the one hundred percent that is the main. That’s why I called Eff Games. It’s. F Star ck just in case anyone wants to find it on Amazon a little plug for the book but I think that there’s such a huge attraction to that aspect of the the no nonsense no-hold-bars no game playing I mean relative related I’m sure there’s some game plan but for the most part, the the comments are all over the years like where can I find this older woman because it’s so attractive to have someone who doesn’t play games as a straight shooter who they can learn from you know notches sexually but and like you said and also nurture. On that person as well there’s a lot of benefits and it over the years I’ve gotten so many thousands I mean. Thousands of people. On Youtube Channel because of that attraction all over the world and so cam, what have you learned most from from your mother Hack good question. She’s like get your list out. I I was just thinking about the other day. She so I grew. This year I’ve grown the most. Not with regard to my sex life in talking with my mom but actually with regard to running a business with my mom. In. One of the things that she’s taught me in that way is that. Just don’t be scared to. Ask for exactly what you want. So often will have an idea of like, oh this is an interesting way to improve the podcast. Maybe we can get that guest, and then I’ll see my initial reaction is now they’re never gonna WanNa do this or that person way we can’t do that that it would be inappropriate and she’d be like on just do it. You, have to lose. Is. Like that mentality is something that I’m hoping to. Emulate in my life to. The nth degree and currently have you always been of that mindset. So you know I’m like you Cam a little bit hesitant I’m definitely a people pleaser. Embracing the fear of rejection currently is this something that you’ve grown into because I do think so many women are taught to. Make, other people happy and you know maybe that makes us take fewer risks. So is this party personality or is this something that you’ve learned over time? I would say initially in that, of course, is in my book as well. I was very introverted and shy, and I wouldn’t let like my my parents used to talk about how I let the kids on the playground take my San Pale away from I kind of like A. Girl I don’t know when this transformation happened but I I would say happened maybe when I went to college and I went during. The. Late seventies and it was kind of a free for all sexually and became much more confident my sexuality then. I. I ended up marrying my college sweetheart We had an incredibly strong communicative relationship for twenty four years. So I. Really I felt like I felt really good about myself and and luckily I was never put in a position where I didn’t feel good about myself. And I think it Kinda like I got the nickname of of a bulldog basically, but I follow I follow. You know other people that. Have a similar mindset. The five second rule by Mel Robbins. Five seconds before your brain tells you not to make that decision and. I follow it. I just let it literally like five, four, three, two on walk up to that person and talk to them.

00:25:02 – 00:30:07

Don’t be shy. It’s you’re gonNA miss every shot you don’t take. My philosophy is pretty pretty strong about just being That being the person that I said people should try to emulate the positive strong. You know independent woman that unfortunately a lot of women are taught opposite and I wanna I want retrain their brain. Yeah. I’m I’m working on that now you mentioned that you married. The love of your life and This project much of your work was born out of that grief. Do you have any thoughts for folks who are dealing with grief in terms of building relationships finding yourself on maintaining relationships? You’ve done it in a very creative way creating project together as mother and son, but you have other kids with whom you don’t have these type of projects. So you probably have some general advice on you know moving through grief. Moving to grieve as tough. There’s no question about it and grief doesn’t go winner Linda linearly It’s not a straight line up to the you know comfort level that you want to be. It’s going to be like a roller coaster. And I would say just make sure to take care of yourself Pamper Yourself Don’t accept any shit from anybody don’t settle. You don’t need to have a boyfriend. You don’t to have a girlfriend you you. You can just be who you WANNA be. Take it, take it slow and just be just follow your gut. I’m a big believer. If there’s a billboard out there I would write follow your gut on that billboard. Just I think that you’re GONNA learn so much more from your mistakes than from your successes and I think it’s important to just really believe in yourself and don’t take any shit from anybody. And just take the risks I mean life is short. I. Love It I. Love It. Now, you obviously started this podcast also to help people and so what parting words of you know advice or insight would you offer based on all of the learnings because you know having interviewed hundreds of people over the last five years you’ve you must have learned so much about sex and relationships that you didn’t begin with. So what would you leave folks with to kind of shift the way they think or behave with regard to relationships either apparent child or intimate relationships? Communication Communication Communication. It’s all I can say, don’t be scared to speak up you know listen to that voice inside and communicate and listen. There’s the thought that would be my well. I mean cam interested to see what your take is but I think this is what we’ve learned from so many. Like you said so many interviews learning from. Like Yourself, Jessica and. I don’t know if you don’t you don’t listen to your inner gotten you’ll let people walk all over you. You’re going to be a doormat. So just communicate. Yeah. I. I definitely. Agree with that it sometimes I like to think of like. You know the outcome in which you don’t share what you’re currently feeling, and you just kind of suppress it. That sometimes can help me make take the risk because. It’s either like it’s going to manifest in the future in a way that is way less controllable and pleasant. It in then you put yourself in their shoes and you’re like, okay. Would if I were in their shoes, someone with doesn’t want to be with me or they you know they have something challenging to tell me. I’d rather they just tell me and as opposed to like muscled their way through hanging out with me or something like that. I took the negative approach but like. Basically. You know. It’s way better just to say what’s on your mind and inside of you that just holding vacuum and that usually can lead to good things. It’s all really insightful and I I think it’s applicable. Mike questions a little later. was there an episode going back through all your podcasts that really went into direction that both of you were like Whoa you know what I mean if people were going to go back and listen to one wizard one that you both were like. Wow generally mean in any direction. There’s a lot of. Wow. was. was there one that stands out the most for each of you? Man. Yes okay. I’ll go first. This, happen pretty early on. A. Phone sex operator on the show out. Meals. Are you. He is. So I she mentioned Dur- The interview it was going along really well, she’s tells about her life but how she got into the whole thing and she mentioned that when she’s pod kiss.

00:30:08 – 00:35:05

She tends to have an orgasm. In so we’re getting toward the end of the podcast. and. There was no orches-. By the way we weren’t in the same. Separate locations. Right. It was actually very similar to this where I was able to see my mom but I couldn’t see her because she wanted to remain anonymous. So I I mentioned that you know what’s going on with orgasm. and. She’s like Oh you wanNA. Hear me orgasm and it was like sure it’s so she came on the show and it was so intense in. I was just looking at my mom. By far the most awkward. Thing you can do. It was really paying. uncomfortable. For a while too it wasn’t just like it was not faked either there was definitely some. Squeaking and Oh my God it was. It was what? I love that and I think that’s an Kerley. You want to add a different episode Oh yeah. Well, we’d had a million There’s been incredible comedian so we will after I asked us off and we we play a game called Maradona. Wait let’s say game call. Mom Doda? Don’t ask that we only play it every week and I can’t remember it. Well we pick out. Questions normally. A mother would never ask their kid. So we’ve interviewed some unbelievable comedians and have come up with these craziest stories but thing that I guess if I would recommend one right now and it is a crazy one we would I’m sure you’ve heard of this it’s a do it. Yourself Kit called Clone Willie Yeah, will you make it a replica silicone replica, cover your penis or your vulva. And So we sent a kit I was boyfriend and Cam was living with his brother. And We decided to each record, our own versions, of us, making these kits, and then we’ll come together. Right, we we had to do it by certain deadline because they were sponsoring us and we were recording ads for them, and we had to test it out before recording the ED. And I did not have someone to test it out with so. I. I it’s a two person job. It’s just you and your brother. I had my brother there who’s Dating thing in the kitchen is trying to get the bathroom. Asked him. Is this. What do you think of my size of my Dick and? used. To answer that question I mean it was I. Plead the fifth. It’s lovely. It’s lovely. It is such a hilarious episode because you hear myself and my boyfriend doing, which is also hilarious and then you hear calendars. flirty. Yeah and then you hear my brother just having to stay in the kitchen. Hold a permit. But anyway. That struck when you said is there one that made you uncomfortable yet hilariously funny. I would say that was that was definitely one of them. Go back and listen to those two for sure and we encourage everybody else to as well. So it’s sex talk with my mom. I, took a quick peek. So you’ve got the phone sex operator with live orgasm that’s episode Twenty and twenty two. So from your early archives and then folks can go from there to the clue once they know you a little bit better they can make it a family affair with the brother in the kitchen I picture him around. Right now anyway, I picture your brother around a cauldron sort of and there’s like smoke coming out how? How old was he like twenty two claiming he was a young kid. I love it. I love it. So folks highly recommend you go check them out sex talk with mom as well as Karen Book Eff Games date cougars, and from there you’ll find all of their personal handles as well. I understand your comedian cam looking forward to getting to know more of your work and I really appreciate your time today folks. Much. U. S extremely insightful question Chaska. Really thank you on the show. Awesome. So next time we’ll get me get the rest of the family here. Got Store. Stories I’m not sure they’re going to want to be out of the. Story. All right. Thank you so much. This is such an important conversation among families and I wonder how much we leave out of potential connection because we leave out parts of ourselves we we feel we can’t talk about our sex lives. Our relationships are the way we party the way we hang with our friends, and this is what the people with whom we oftentimes have the longest and most meaningful relationships.

00:35:05 – 00:40:10

Our lives and and everyone that we speak to and what you’ve been saying for the longest time is communication opens so many doors and strengthens in law lot of instances strengthens and his so much to so much benefit to maybe we need to celebrate awkwardness maybe we need to. Just encourage more. Not Feigned but real awkward encounters because I sometimes get asked about Oh. How do you take the awkwardness out of the first date and I remind people awkwardness is the fun of it. But do you agree with that when people are on like if you’re concerned about how people will think of you or like are you concerned about like different political views when it comes to to sex like I’m just thinking if I had a conversation with my parents about what you know I’ve done or we’ve done I, don’t necessarily know how they would feel. But at the same time, I would feel better just getting it off not getting off my chest but you’re talking about it. You feel good telling your parents about our sex life. I don’t know that it would feel good. It wouldn’t bother me this because this is who I am. This is what I’ve done, and if you want to know part of me is it’s not that I don’t care but this is this is how identify and. Rather. Know what you think because if I value this relationship I don’t. Know that I want to be judged negatively you’re not I mean to be fair. You’re not really open about many things with your parents, but would you say that’s accurate must be listening to this podcast? Yes well, it’s interesting because I think about. Also the privilege. So we’re a couple that we’ve been together a long time. We’ve got this really good relationship. So if we were to share with people like family that we’ve done things that seem edgy or that many people would be judged for or that might even be considered risky to some people because we’ve got this long term relationship and couples privilege I think we might get less judged. But let’s say we were to break up then they turn to those subversive then they turn to those edgy experiences and say, well, they did this. But because we’re together and we’re probably GONNA stay together it’s just let’s hope so. I think we’ve got something really good or maybe they would turn the tables and blow our minds and be like with stuff they did. Club been there eighteen times been there sixteen Juno Steve I was there last Friday tell him I said, what’s up Steve while I was just thinking about in this conversation how we can open up more sex positive conversations between parent and child and I do think it it is. It begins at a young age, but it’s never too late and I think about some of the specific ways we can be more positive more open in our communication around sex, and some of them are very simple ways for example. Using the names of body parts and not trying to shroud them in shame and secrecy from a young age being more positive about our bodies and body image to begin with. Because when we’re negative about our bodies, it can be. Really contagious for the young people in our lives you know if we treat our bodies with love and respect, they’re more likely to as well and you know we can use less judgmental language around relationships. You know I think of someone. In our family. Okay. It was in your family and they said I remember them. On a slut and I was like, really it’s just honestly it was a supermodel. So I don’t even know how they know that she’s a slut. But just the negative language reminds me that I’m not gonNA. Open up about things to you because I don’t WanNa be judged in that way and we we do it we and you know if I think about parents, for example, talking about other people’s relationships with judgment or in kind of. Remarks and how that affects your kids willingness to open up to you whether they’re twelve years old or forty years old. And you know teaching young people about atonomy over their body and giving them permission to experience pleasure whatever that is right I even I think about food brandon. And York is that the statements? That’s the whole thing but I think about you know my Mama was taught me to eat with the Queen. So they’re from Jamaica they had the British influence Very Racist Lens over what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. But one thing is that you choose silently you chew with your mouth full and I was thinking what if we gave permission to people to just eat their food in a way that frigging feels good for them like how I eat a crab just gonNa say I hear you moaning when you think You like it could be crab, it could be a desert and you just like On they just give her a minute just she needs a minute and it doesn’t matter where we are restaurant home friend’s house the MON is coming.

00:40:10 – 00:42:36

So mom I can eat with the clean, but sometimes, I don’t want to eat with the queen. Maybe the Queen’s that was honestly do you think the Queen’s food? Is that good anyways? That’s some blanchet. I’m I’m a British in. Yeah I’m. Like come on just put some garlic ginger in it, and then we can talk about your kitchen stuff. caramelized onions at least. So yeah I just think we need to give people more permission to experience pleasure and give our kids and our family members the space for that and I think those you know obviously cam and Karen Lear doing it on the next level and you know all the power to them. So I’m glad we had this conversation I. Think it’s a reminder that I should have my mom on the podcast. We’ve heard your uncle big Mike. Go back and listen to that episode with Uncle Mike. He’s been with my anti failure for it’s got to be more than fifty years sixty years they were teenagers. Yeah and he’s just amazing and he talks about what makes what makes it work for them and it wouldn’t necessarily work for us. But it works for them. So no K plans go back and listen to Uncle Mike’s podcast have my mom on the podcast in the future and we’ll leave it at that. So folks if you’re in the market for STI testing and you should be if you’re sexually active if you want testosterone test thyroid tasks, a Lime Disease Test Omega three tests they’ve got them all on. Let’s get checked I have unique. You are try L. G., C. DOT com slash Dr Jess that’s tough. Just go to let’s get checked dot com and use the code Dr Jess Dr J. E. S. S. to save at checkout. Interesting conversation. Brandon. If I bring my mom on the podcast would you bring your mom on the podcast? Sure seem podcasts. No I only have three Mike’s. I’m sticking by that story I only have three months. That’s it one. At a time folks thanks so much for listening. Please subscribe share hang out follow us on social media. I’m at sex with Dr Jefferson this guy is. Very, brandon why did you pull away? You know. I I like to follow you. I think you’re you post some great stuff. It’s his real estate profile profile, but still it’s mostly topless l. fees. How I sell real. I wish it was. All right we’re out. Have a great week folks. You’re listening to the sex with. Dr podcast improve your sex life improve your life.