August 7, 2020
Brandon Answers Your Sex & Relationship Questions
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We’ve compiled some of your questions for Brandon and he weighs in sharing his personal experiences in response to the following:
- You’ve opened up about some heavy feelings on the podcast and talked about the benefits of being more vulnerable. How can I get my boyfriend to open up and be more vulnerable?
- My husband is often too tired for sex. When we have it, he’s full of energy, but I feel like he says no at least 50% of the time. Should I be worried?
- Last week, you said you have no game and that you would never have gotten together with Jess if it had been up to you. I don’t want to let my moment pass me by, so how do I work on my game and my confidence. You’ve also talked about how your confidence has increased over time, so any tips would help.
- My GF listens to your podcast and follows Dr. Jess. She wants to follow in her footsteps, but the idea of her talking about sex with strangers and travelling all around the world doesn’t feel great for me. I don’t want to hold her back. How do I get over it?
- Can you explain why men want to have anal sex so badly? Like what’s the appeal?
- You talked about a toy called the Pivot, but you didn’t describe what it feels like. Can you elaborate?
- How curious are you about Jess’ past? I know you’ve been together a while, but lately I’m more curious about my wife’s past and specifically why she had one night stands. Should I be so curious or just get over it?
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Brandon Answers Your Sex & Relationship Questions
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr, Jess podcast sacks, and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey Hey your friendly neighborhood sexologist here. Jessica. Riley. With my lovely other have brandon wear are looked locally. Feel so good you can. You can tell I was mocking you I know you were mocking me but I’m GonNa roll with it listen babe. This episode is all about you finally if it’s the Brandon episode. Because nothing’s ever about me. I’m just going to hand over the MIC to you go. I’m GONNA pull my candid Silence so I receive many questions for the podcast from listeners and many folks are curious about you brandon and what your perspective so I’ve been compiling some of the questions directed at you. He shaking his head through people don’t want to know what’s going on inside my mind. They do frightening in their people. Let me be clear I get questions for you. I, never get criticism level that you always at me. Here we go. This is your debut. Debut. Here we. So, let’s dive right in. This person asks how curious are you about justice past I know you’ve been together a while but lately, I’m more curious about my wife’s past and specifically why she had one night stands I don’t care what the sex was like. I just WanNa know why she had them. Should I be so curious or just get over it. I am curious about your past only about your experiences I am not curious about how many partners. How good or bad it was I mean I’m open to listening but I I’m not really that interested. In it. It wasn’t that interesting either was not well, it could have been listen I think when we first got together and I was a lot younger I was uncomfortable with the idea. That the partner that I was with was more let’s call it experienced than I was because if I had to be brutally honest I wasn’t particularly experience, but you had used your right hand and your left hand. Just didn’t know you have sexual partner had had partners but. I didn’t know how many you had had and I think the thought that you’d had more partners made me feel uncomfortable and I’ve learned over the years that that’s on me number one it’s pretty gendered. Wouldn’t you say? We gendered are you kidding me and why does it matter like why? Like from and again I’m speaking about my own experience I have just come to realize that it doesn’t matter and that now I feel more confident knowing that. That that experience I mean listen I could look at it and say. Even though you had that experience, you’re still with me and that’s great. And it’s also that experience helped you formulate. And understand what you liked. So why not I don’t WanNa? Say celebrate that. But why not just that everyone goes through. And Not Accept But that process allows them to understand a bit more about themselves and the fact that they’ve come to you and gotten to you means that you are at this point, the person that they want to be with like how awesome is that? I think that. Talking about your sexual history can help you to better understand your partner’s needs or boundaries or desires. So I think if you’re curious and you’re just genuinely curious without judgment. It’s okay to ask folks who are going to judge our ultimately you know. Judging themselves. So if your intention isn’t to judge your partner. Then I think go ahead and have the conversation. If you think there’s some insight to be gained. Maybe. Before having the conversation, think about how you will feel or you will respond when you hear when your partner answers like, how are you going to feel if? They’ve had more partners than you or better experiences than you. He said he’s not interested in that. He just wants to know why she had one night stance but I’m just saying when the your partner response to you maybe think about in advance if the answer isn’t something that makes you comfortable, how are you going to respond and how are you? What are you going to say because I don’t think the goal is ever to make somebody else feel. Badly about what they’ve experienced if you’re just generally curious and I think it’s natural to be curious.
00:05:02 – 00:10:05
Absolutely. Can I drop the MIC now and walkaway? More questions. Okay this one says very clearly dear Doctor Jazz. I want guys perspective. So this is more for brandon than you. My husband is often too tired for sex. When we have it, he’s full of energy. It’s great but I feel like he says, no, almost fifty percent at the time should I be worried? You definitely should not be worried. In this relationship open book Brandon here as you get a t shirt that says that in this relationship, I have found that there have been more instances at least. This is what I perceive where I want sex less than you want sex, and although that does change from day to week two months a year year over year. I think I’ve felt that you were more. Interested in. Sex. Than I was and just contradicts what is stereotypically these gender norm. norms where you know the man always wants sex. So I had to start thinking like, is there something wrong with me because I don’t think I want sex as much as you and I realized on my own? No. First of all they don’t think there’s anything wrong with me and it fluctuates impact in fact perfect. Fantastic. But no, it just changes depending on what I’m experiencing and. My stress levels like how do I feel am I really worked up over work or is there something that I can be doing to to? You know put myself more in the mood said, this person’s asking if they should be worried like, is it on them? So I mean I guess I could worry about that. But I, don’t because I think A. Question more. no I. think that some. No. What you said make sense it’s I got to interrupt you though and say perspective is so interesting because I always feel like you want more than me. The it’s it’s that exercise that you have encouraged some of your clients to partake in where you write down how often you think your partner wants to have sex and how often you think and how often you WanNa have sex, and then you exchange it with each other is really interesting because. The perception is that your partner always wants or depends on what you perceive your apartment it’d be wanting, right do you think they always want sex and what do they actually want? Do you feel like I want sex more often than you these days? No. Not these days. I think that there is so much happening in our lives in in the world and You know just for no I don’t but I think that my overall in the course of their relationship I think it’s early on I wanted it more. That’s what it was about two days early on impressions. Listen when we first got together I was like this is great you on it all the time, and then my desire to have sex as frequently as we did started to taper off, and that’s when I started wondering and feeling insecure because I was like. Is there something wrong with me and it was just that? The Libido levels at the time were different and to think that two people over the course of we’ve been together for almost twenty years. To constantly have. Low interest in sex at the exact same level over those twenty years is I think very going to be very difficult to achieve. I. Think we also have to realize that You know saying no, it’s of course always okay to say no, and it’s also okay to say I’m not in the mood but let’s see if we can get me in the mood because again, if you wait until you’re spontaneously in the mood for sex, you’re probably going to have it. Less frequently, which for some people is fine but it might be a good opportunity to have a conversation about how he needs to feel in order to have sex because you mentioned that he’s too tired. But when you do have sexiest full of energy, so you know he may want to and he may not, but he may want to address some of the. Energy deficits and say, okay how can I have more energy for this because some people leave for example me if I’m half asleep I, don’t mind having sex for other people they want to have all the energy in the world of asleep I’m full asleep. You’re only one or the other. So yeah I think that’s an important conversation to perhaps half. Okay, another question for you. Last, week, you said that you have no game and that you would never have gotten together with just if it had been up to you, I don’t WanNa let my Mona’s moment pass me by. So how do I work on my game and my confidence? You’ve also talked a number of times about how your confidence has increased over time. So how do I get more of that? Wow. How does your confidence increase over time for me? My confidence changed when I started to care less about what other people thought. I know that that’s a really you know after school special thing to say where you just doing care less what other people say. But when I started thinking about what mattered most to me that helped me with confidence.
00:10:05 – 00:15:06
I had a number of things. That I had achieved. That I thought would give me. you know whether it was worker personal that I thought would make me feel better that you know once I achieve them they didn’t and that caused me to reflect on. Going back to you know what’s important to me to give me that confidence level and then finally having had experienced. Loss Reminded me that. A you do need to take those chances those calculated. Chances and to put yourself out there and to be willing to be vulnerable. Because those moments of vulnerability when they’re met by somebody who is a good human being Can turn into wonderful experiences even if it’s even if you take shot and you approach somebody. If you’re sincere and passionate and. Again that element of vulnerability if another person is a good person, even if they’re not interested. It will happen in a way where both parties come out and feel positive about the experience like it doesn’t have to be where you approach him on. They just shoot you down they can do it in a way. That demonstrates that the appreciate it. But they’re not interested and both parties leave. What do you think that I have to show appreciation though like I can’t I show respect without I I’m just speaking from my perspective of you know people. Hitting on me when I don’t WanNa be hit on on a plane in an airport lounge while you’re in the bathroom. Where was the other day? I was so irradiated. Oh, I went to get a coffee. You went to one coffee shop and I went to the other and somebody who’s bothering me while I was just trying to get a Bagel and this maybe I’m maybe my attitude is is a bit of a turn off I think that you have to. Read People’s interest right. If my head down down in my phone I probably don’t WanNa talk to you So you know on one hand I want to say what you have to lose like the worst somebody says is no thank you. Write him never dick about it but there does come a point where you also want to read what? Is Interested in especially when you think about like gender power dynamics I, don’t know the gender of of these folks here. In this question I shouldn’t have used the word I think respect it’s not that you need the person on the receiving end needs to be appreciative of the person who’s approached them. But I think when there’s an element of respect when the person approaching respectful and the person who is receiving even if they’re declining is respectful that both parties can move forward knowing that it was an. Perceived opportunity to connect that just didn’t work out. And somebody doesn’t have to be beat up somebody doesn’t have to be harassed either yeah. Well, I think rejection is something that we’ve been taught to avoid and I was thinking about your work and how in your work and my work as well. Anyone who works for themselves you face rejection and it’s good practice like you get rejected and then something else goes well and you get rejection rejected and you still go home to the same person who loves you or your the still the same person I think about you like do like yourself. I do like myself. I like. Myself. I do like myself and it’s something that I’ve had to work on because I grew up with this attitude that there’s always a fault because if you can find the fault, you can fix the fault and you could become a better version of yourself. But I think it’s the idea that. You know when you’re met with rejection like with the work when I meet rejection, it’s an opportunity for me to reflect on why I was rejected and what I might be able to do better the next time to minimize the possibility of being rejected. Right. So if I if in a dating sensor in a in a in a relationship or connection sense if I approach somebody and they turned me down, it’s a terrible experience. Why what did I do? That may have resulted in that and I’m taking my work experience and applying it to a personal. Situation but I, think it’s worth considering. Rejections just part of life if you if you try and avoid it, you’re always going to live in fear I mean I think. Them. It doesn’t matter if you’re powerful, you’re also weak if you’re. Strong. You also feel soft at time. So I think you know the most powerful or successful or admirable people have faced rejection and actually continued to embrace it every day, and maybe this is you know we need a more nuanced discussion of. Reading People’s body language if somebody’s at the gym and they have headphones on, please don’t approach them. If somebody’s sitting in a coffee shop with their head down, they probably don’t want to be approached and you also want to just be mindful for some of us.
00:15:06 – 00:20:06
When you approach it, it can feel physically intimidating so. I don’t want to take away from us the word game I think we we need more like char more you know being charming or being attractive or being in a positive way seductive. I think I’ve glossed over that and I’m glad that you brought it up because I think you have to be respectful of people’s personal space you no I don’t think you glossed over it. I think anything you do a good job explaining. How sometimes the things we think we need to achieve in order to have confidence are just. Almost. holograms right in and confidence is something you can experience as opposed to a state of being right. So you can be confident at times and you can second guess yourself at times and if you’re second guessing yourself today or in the you can feel more confident or self-assured tomorrow but definitely working on overall self esteem you know through gratitude through hanging out with people who bring. Positive reinforcement into your life. If you’re dealing with issues of of oppression, you know looking at ways that you can help to dismantle address or work through some of the trauma associated with that. Maybe. That’s not what they were looking for gestured shut up because this was for brandon. Okay. next one. Oh, this is fun because it can tie in. Nicely. So you talked about the toy called the pivot, but you didn’t describe what it feels like either time. So I guess you spoke about several times so can in it says, can you elaborate? I don’t know if this person just wants a description of what it feels against against your penis but the pivot is a penis ring and it’s worn at the base of the penis and it’s vibrating and it’s by we vibe. So if you VIBE DOT com, you can get a couple of dollars off with code Doctor Jess. So this question makes me happy a Dr J. E. S. S. WE’VE I’ve DOT COM and the pivot is brandon’s favourite toys so I’ll at Brennan take it away. The vibrations are intense. The. When you finish the vibrations, make it so. It really heightens the sensations when you finish. You can literally pivot the device so that if you’re a person with a penis it. Really. Feels great on your balls or light. Balls because you’re going to be honest it feels a little uncomfortable talking about what exactly feels so great about it and why so you pivot that the head part you pivot ahead your balls vibrating answer balls and it vibrates down to the pair NEOM and inbetween up towards but. It also, if you want to please your partner and if they have a Volva. That you know it rotates up and pushes against their clint. Why are you laughing at me? ’cause you’re like sweating. I don’t know exactly how to say this with. Just, like the you use the word Volvo over. Yeah. Making sure use the correct terminology. I’ve taken it off and used it on my hands to please you. You slide it on your fingers I, put it on my fingers may have to use a couple of fingers. Dick Finger. Thank you I. Thank you very much. Fingers. So why don’t you tell people what Dick Fingers. Me Than Picturing Brennan. Having five penises on the end of his palm. Now that’s what it is. That’s it. No I have regular. Thank you do you think people actually think you have Dick Picturing Brandon with tech ten Dick Fingers into his people would have heard of you. I’d be a millionaire because the magic fingers you travel around the world and just show. Real Estate’s Brendan’s Dick Finger Man. Well, you couldn’t sign a contract. No I couldn’t. I could please many people at once. So yeah, that’s pivot and it’s it’s designed to be worn during into chorus, but you could wear it during oral. Brennan really likes it. I like his description I thought you were going to say, I don’t it’s like ten thousand little buzzing insects buzzing against audience against their junk. Feels like a bunch of ants crawling on Penis That’s not at all what it feels. It feels lovely and I also to say that in contrast to the other toys that I’ve tried it doesn’t it’s a great quality. Luggage is not garbage like it’s a really good high quality toy So check it out. This is not meant to be an ad, but let’s promote them five. To. Be Matt from Dick Fingers. No. If you WANNA, see stick fingers my pay pal is. You know what I want. I would like all the requests for pictures of my feet to now turn into requests for pictures of Brennan’s dig fingers I’m just he’s he just has big hands they don’t ejaculate. Shook we’ve I been not Brandon’s Dick Finger hand.
00:20:06 – 00:25:16
So we VIBE DOT COM and it’s the pivot, but they have all these other cool toys and the code is Dr Jess. All right. Okay. Next Question Brandon, can you explain why men want to have anal sex? So badly like what’s the appeal? I don’t know what the appeal is. For most men honestly do you have anal sex very badly? No I don’t I I wonder if it’s a proforma thing if people say it just to say it I, mean sure having sex if you want to have anal sex. But I don’t know what the fixation is. I wonder if it is something that you just some people aren’t comfortable having so you want habit. So if this is from a like a woman I think you’re talking about you putting your penis. What’s what’s now men having anal sex in their own butts I can see the appeal because you’re you’ve got your prostate stimulated through there but I think this question based on yeah. Based on this message I think is about why a man wants to put? His. Penis in a in a woman’s. But in the Strait since you’re I, mean I’m GonNa assume that it’s something that not everyone is comfortable. Doing. So perhaps, there’s desire to do something that not everyone will let you do. A tabby wellman. Tub who element there clearly is a there can be a difference in terms of sensation because it feels tighter could feel tighter. Yeah definitely. Drier. Yeah. So We have a whole episode on how to have anal as well. Yeah. But I mean I think asking that question is is a great starting point. Why do you want to do this? What is the appeal? The appeal I always say to people if you can dig a little deeper and say you know if we do this, whatever it is, you’re proposing anal sex, a threesome fantasy sex in a forest with the deer watching, what is it that appeals to you physically emotionally. Practically what are the benefits you’re seeking because let’s say you your partner doesn’t want to do the deer. For Sex scene, maybe you can pull out extrapolate some of the other elements, the other associated benefits without doing the full scene. Also going back to your statement, which is before you do it to somebody else how? `Bout you experience it on your own. Sure if you’re going to your genus in someone’s but puts them on your own, but and then once you’ve done that and if your partner is comfortable with you doing it, then you can proceed accordingly because you know how fast or slow. You need to go when you’re doing it. Okay. This person says, my girlfriend listens to your podcast and follows Dr Jess she wants to follow in her footsteps but the idea of her talking about sex with strangers and traveling all around the world doesn’t feel great for me. Is that what people think I do? I. Don’t want to hold her back. How do I get over it I never felt like I had to get over it with you. It was something that. I knew you were passionate about doing. So one, we’re going on airplanes going on airplanes and traveling but no, in all in all seriousness want I had to question I questioned myself as to why is it? I’m uncomfortable with my partner traveling speaking about something. That like what makes me uncomfortable? I didn’t feel like I had to ever overcome that with you. It was something that you wanted to do and my approach was, why would I stop you from doing something that you’re passionate about that you and that you did so well and there are so many kind of collateral benefits. For for me that come with. You doing what you do I mean think about it like travel I can. I can come and visit you and your traveling different places like they’ve just been. So naked sex parties expert is the I mean even the topics that we have discussed as a result of your work stream and our relationship. I I mean I. Every time we do a podcast I learned something new every day I’m I’m presented with a new topic or new person who’s Sharing Information and insight that I can learn from. So there’s so many other benefits that they just outweighed any potential negative that. I guess from my perspective that might exist I. Think one of the concerns you know the idea of her talking about sex with strangers. Can feel intimidating. Maybe if you’re not having those conversations yourself to begin with and also you know our own hangups around sex, you don’t want to hold your partner back not only in terms of their career but also in terms of their own sexual exploration, I think one of the concerns also though has to do with being sexualize D- right when I talk about sex does it entirely Aronie Asli give people the impression that they can sexualize me or that they can say anything to me or harass me and I mean that I have to say.
00:25:17 – 00:30:03
that. That doesn’t happen that often to me not in at in person events like people don’t tend to harass me but I think maybe this person is concerned that if their partner gets up on stage and is talking about these explicit subjects that it could be a uncomfortable for her or a threat to the relationship. So I think that whatever you’re feeling these are good conversations to open up but also with I. Think with the Lens that Brandon’s emphasizing which is you don’t want to hold her back and use you even say that in your email here. So you’ve seemed to phrase it in a fair way that you have to get over it. I also trust you wholeheartedly. And that. Really gives me comfort when you’re traveling when you’re speaking that I know that this relationship is very important to you. It doesn’t mean that it’s going to stop other people from doing and saying those things but I know at the end of the day that if you were attracted to somebody else if there was something that you wanted to discuss that we would that conversation first before. You got to a point where it was uncomfortable and I also should add that you know. Traveling around the world and talking about sex with strangers. That’s not the only way to do this career, right? That’s what I do. Most people don’t travel this much some like to many don’t want to and so you know this happened by accident for me right I didn’t set out and say, Oh, here’s somebody doing this. Let me follow in their footsteps. Let me try to emulate this. The traveling just can happened. And I got for me personally I got lucky ’cause I love it I. Don’t think most people would love it at the pace that I do. I couldn’t keep up with the pace that you keep no trouble speaking it’s like fly one day speak that night fly the next day but I happen to love it so not everybody would love it. So that’s something to think about too. Okay finally to wrap up. The Brandon wear podcast fueled distorted strong I don’t know if I’m. Wrong here sex with brandon wear This pro. You actually spoke with a little bit about vulnerability a few minutes ago, and this person’s as I’ve heard, you open up and be very vulnerable talk about all these feelings even cry how do I get my boyfriend up and be more vulnerable? While I. Again personal experience my vulnerability that I’m willing to express or that I’ve that. I now feel like I have is something that. I’ve created or I’ve allowed myself to feel over years in part of it comes with confidence and I think that the more confident become more comfortable and being vulnerable when I want to be. And I don’t know that you can. necessarily. It’s it’s something that I think somebody has to feel comfortable with on their own and I do believe that the conversations. Will help. I mean, they certainly helped me become more comfortable and confident. So. Through sometimes difficult sometimes long conversations I’ve become more confident and then I’ve become more vulnerable. So I think it’s just. When you say confident sometimes people differentiate between confidence and self esteem like self-esteem how you feel about yourself confidence like your belief in your abilities you kind of mean, both of those things. Yeah I do I feel like I. I. grew up with a real lack of self confidence. I think it was surprising to me when people found out even you know five ten years ago that I was I felt like, I, lacked. self-confidence doesn’t mean that I lack self confidence in all aspects of my life but in certain aspects of my life, I feel like I lack confidence but that willingness to acknowledge that I lack confidence allows me to. Improve. In those areas and that vulnerability that comes. Came with an understanding of how I felt. So I don’t know if that really answers the question. So I mean being willing to admit that. There’s something you can work on or that there’s some sort of perceived deficit and also I, don’t you think that kind of cultivating spaces and relationships where you can be feel safe because. So many of us continue to. Nurture seek out relationships. The don’t create space for vulnerability Riley. We are only friends with or do business with people. With whom we share interest but not necessarily values.
00:30:04 – 00:34:11
I do you know what I’m saying by that or definitely know what you’re saying I think that people everyone aspires to be the most confident version of themselves like when I think. Most people think about successful individuals. It’s people who are uber confident, right and I don’t feel that way. But I see how it’s like to be super successful. You just need to have confidence in absolutely anything that you approach and I think that acknowledging that you’re not always going to have that confidence because you’re not always going to be great at everything you do the first time you do it but if you’re willing to acknowledge that maybe didn’t do it while the first second time, but you’re working on it. Creates. More. Opportunity for growth and I think that with that that opportunity for growth, there is an element of vulnerability in listen. There’s so many benefits to being vulnerable that I’ve learned about two and the, and you also can’t be good at everything like you say that maybe you’re not good on your first try you might not be going on your twentieth trion. That’s why like to differentiate between like. Belief in yourself and whether or not you like yourself like I think once you like yourself and trust yourself and also have you know people around you who really like you? Right who like you for who you are not just because you can play a sport together or you can talk about one specific topic together. But who really really like you for who you are your essence like your values, your core beliefs where you’re not faking it with those people when you’re around those people you’re being who you really are and when you feel that way you can. Address some of those underlying. Issues are things that you want to improve yen. I think we are finding more and more and more of that in our lives as we get older more relationships like that where we can be more intimate and more vulnerable among friends we’re seeing this even you know with people we work with and I think it’s pretty neat and then one other way to to get your partner to be vulnerable is for you to be vulnerable to right if you demand hey, I want you to open up and be vulnerable with me That’s a both big and a fairly abstract request whereas if you start to open up more about you know your fears, your insecurities, your concerns, your. Feelings that maybe aren’t the most desirable at the time you might find that you know that modeling behavior. Shows your partner that it’s a safe space in which to do. So I felt that we’re that when you’ve expressed something to me that I deem to be vulnerable I respond with vulnerability and a desire to try and make you not feel bad or vulnerable like. I associate vulnerability with You know insecurity and I’m like I don’t want you to feel that way. So like you just said when you approach might the th the first way I responded? Oh my gosh like what can I do to make you feel better and that expression of vulnerability is disarming and can encourage someone to do the same. But you also I don’t think we want to manufacture vulnerability like I think it really just comes down to the if we continue to be honest. We have happier relationships. So I- hogged the Mike more than I had planned not at all. I feel like graded safe from Dr. Jason. Brennan spoke. Thanks so much brandon wear no problem and I guess. I’ll plug we and remind people if you’re looking for some really amazing toys, really innovative stuff. The pivot is great but they’ve got their new Nova to coming out as well. So use code doctor just to save a few dollars and thanks so much to all of you for being here. Thanks of course to our very honored guest. Would we say it down the speeches in Jamaica to all of our esteemed colleagues are honored guest and then we list them all but all all we got his brandon. That’s it. Well, thank you very much. Have a great one folks. Days you’re listening to the sex with Dr Jasser podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.