April 6, 2020
Do You Get a Say in Your Partner’s Porn Habits?
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Since we’re trapped at home in isolation, we decided to record an extra episode this week. We talk about a fight we had yesterday and how stress levels are affecting the way we interact. We also spend some time discussing an unrelated user question: “Do I get a say in my partner’s porn use?”. We explore the difference between setting boundaries and dictating behaviour as well as specific communication prompts you can use to talk to your partner about porn. We also consider whether or not you should change your habits to meet your partner’s needs and concerns.
Please see below for a rough transcript of this podcast.
Listener Question: “Do you get a say in your partner’s porn habits?”
You have a say in terms of having the right to speak up about how you feel. You don’t have a right to dictate how they behave. And why would you want to? If they have a desire to engage in a specific behaviour, why do you want to limit them? This isn’t a rhetorical question. Explore your reasonings for wanting to limit their sexual exploration. This may help you to adjust your expectations and/or better communicate your needs and feelings.
Note: If you can’t agree on porn use, it’s likely you’re not sexually compatible. Unless porn is interfering in your daily interactions (e.g. they can’t focus on a conversation or hold a job because they want to run off to their laptop and stroke it), it’s unlikely to be a real problem.
Listener Question: Where is the line between advocating for what I want/setting boundaries and being controlling?
Of course you can tell them if you feel jealous or uncomfortable. And they have a right to express how they feel about using porn (e.g. excited, passionate, entertained). You’re both entitled to your feelings. And you’re also responsible for your own feelings — your partner’s behaviour may affect how you feel, but your emotional response is complex and is influenced by a great number of factors (e.g. your past, sexual values, sexual associations, mood, sleep, previous relationships, your own experiences with porn).
You can ask your partner to take your feelings into consideration and you can ask them to engage in a dialogue about porn. Hopefully they’ll be willing to listen and consider your feelings. This doesn’t mean they have to adjust their behavior to make your feel better; perhaps you need to adjust the way you think to make yourself feel better. Of course, if you’re expressing feelings of vulnerability, I would hope that they’d respond with care, love and reassurance. If, on the other hand, you’re making accusations and directing blame, it’s more likely they’ll respond with defensiveness and/or their own accusations.
Listener Question: What about types of porn? Are some more acceptable than others? What about porn that depicts women as objects?
It’s not uncommon to feel uncomfortable in response to scenes that depict degradation, age play and other taboo sex topics. It’s also not uncommon to be aroused by these scenes. In fact, some people are simultaneously aroused and disgusted. Just because a fantasy makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean that it’s inherently bad — as a fantasy. When actors consent to perform a degradation scene for example, they’re not personally being degraded; they’re actors playing a role for pay with consent.
Listener Question: Should I try to change if my porn use is upsetting my partner?
I suggest you consider their feelings and think about whether you want to change your habits. If you do something because you feel forced to do so, it’s likely you’ll find yourself frustrated and resentful.
Some changes might be more doable (e.g. don’t watch porn in the living room) while others might feel like a violation of your own sexual rights (e.g. don’t watch porn at all).
You might want to ask yourself why you’re uncomfortable with porn in the first place. Dig deep and don’t make excuses. Do you consider the same moral/personal issues when you look at other forms of entertainment (e.g. Hollywood movies, books, music videos) or is your dislike reserved for porn alone? Are you fearful that porn sets a standard with which you can’t compare? Do you feel as though you’re not enough for your partner? Are you jealous that they’re spending more time online than with you? Consider these questions and talk about how you feel — and consider what you can do to adjust your feelings as opposed to solely making demands of your partner.
Read more on how porn can be good for your relationship here.
If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here. As well, you can now record your messages for us! Please record your message/question in a quiet room and use your phone’s headphones with a built-in mic if possible.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Do You Get a Say in Your Partners Porn Habits?
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jasser podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Hey Hey just Riley here with my lovely partner. Brendan wear feel like that was established me. It was definitely a mockery staff. Just joking it’s all good sounded great. You’ll know when I’m stabbing Yes for. I’m stabbing when I go. Hey Girl Hey how you doing? I think you have a radio voice. Actually I have a face for radio. You have the feet for radio so we are just finishing up our third week of isolation together and in the last episode we spoke about. Hauer managing a couple. What’s working what’s not what I’m doing to irritate you. Yeah there’s only you know it’s a short list is growing every day but it’s a short list. Have you ever watched Brooklyn nine nine? When jae-kun Charles Boiler in A confined space for short period of time. The list grows real quick. They’re on a stakeout. Stay out and they’re on their best friends. But then the list of annoying habits starts to grow. We should actually. Should we write ours down Redo Whiteboard? I don’t feel like you have many annoying habits. One thing. That’s really nice. We’ve been home because I do think little treats and indulgences make a big difference when we’re feeling stressed out you make me a a core tato every morning and a really good Cortott. Oh and it’s it’s so weird because if it doesn’t appear on like where’s my Firkin Court. Tato I’m not paying for this kind of service. No just kidding yes so You know we’re we’re functioning okay. But I wanted to talk today not about quarantine not a bad isolation and not about the emotional challenges but just take a question and so. I’ve received a series of questions about whether or not you get a say in your partners porn habits. So what do you think? I don’t know you’re putting me on the spot. My Gut response. What do you think it’s what you think it’s not right or wrong. I don’t know why I mean if it’s no I don’t see why you would need to have a say in your partners porn habits in terms of what they’re watching. I mean unless it’s something really bad in the sense of like is it is it. I don’t know I’m I’m you’re putting me on the spot and that’s just how my first response? Well that’s that’s interesting that you bring that up because I think it’s normal to feel uncomfortable with maybe scenes that depict to degradation or each player. Misogyny or other taboo topics It’s okay to be uncomfortable with that. But it’s also common to be aroused by it right and so you can be simultaneously aroused and discussed it just because a fantasy or depiction makes you uncomfortable. Doesn’t mean that it’s inherently bad as a fantasy now if if your partner I guess is watching these scenes and then expecting to play them out with you or demanding or pressuring. And that’s not what you’re into you then I could see it being an issue but we have to remember when actors consent to perform a degradation seen for example. They’re not personally being degraded there actors playing a role for pay with consent for example if you take a Hollywood movie or any many of these scenes on net flicks actors consent to playing out rape scenes for example that doesn’t mean that they are being raped and so. I don’t think we can assume that just because somebody’s watching something or being turned on by something that they necessarily want to do it in real life war that they even want to act it out in fantasy so you give us your short answer which was no you. Don’t get a say. Also think that I’m envisioning somebody stumbling into their partner watching porn and being upset with what they see on the screen or on the TV as opposed to having a conversation about it about what they do and don’t like and understanding like you said that this is acting. This isn’t real life. Everybody consented to it. And then as long as you’re not expecting your partner to take on that role in play that scene by default with maybe having a conversation That that was just kind of where I went initially. And I’m not trying to backtrack. What I said makes sense to me. I think listen. It’s normal to feel what you feel. And if I walk in and you’re watching something and it feels upsetting to me. I do think that you have a right to speak up about how you feel. I don’t think you have a right to dictate how your partner behaves.
00:05:02 – 00:10:01
And I I wonder why do we want to? Why do I want to tell you what you can like? What can turn you on. How you can indulge when it’s not with me I mean I feel as though if you have a desire to engage in a specific behaviors specific behavior. I want you to be able to engage in that behaviour. I don’t want to set limits on what you can and can’t do. I do think though when you’re in a relationship and you and a partner can’t agree on porn use. I do think that’s an issue of sexual compatibility and here’s the thing about porn so unless porn is interfering in your daily interactions in your daily life. For example you can’t focus on a conversation or hold a job or gopher drinks with friends because you just want to run off to your laptop and stroke it off which is not what we’re seeing in most in almost any case right porn isn’t actually the problem. I think sometimes porn is the symptom of sexual incompatibility or porn is a symptom of a lack of communication. And I think you hit the nail on the head. This is really about talking about how you feel. So if if you’re watching porn and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just something that it’s a scene that makes me feel like. Wow that’s so different than what we do I feel like I can’t fulfil your fantasies. I feel insecure if I could talk about those feelings instead of shutting down and saying you know you’re a pervert or don’t watch that or you know were you we to mutually consent because we are in a monogamous relationship. I think we just need to have the conversations about how we’re feeling so it’s important to tell your partner. Okay I feel jealous or I feel uncomfortable and I have a right to say that. And they also have a right to express how they feel about this porn. Maybe it makes them feel excited or entertained passionate or curious or gives them a sense of escape from reality and you’re both or all parties are entitled to their feelings. And here’s the other piece that I think we don’t always recognize. Were also responsible for our own feelings. So your partner the you Brennan. Let’s say you’re watching something in it. Upsets me. It’s not necessarily just the fact that you were watching it. That upsets me. It’s my emotional. Response is complex is influenced by so many factors my past my sexual values my sexual associations my mood my sleep previous relationships my own experience with porn so. I can’t say when you watch that it made me feel okay. It may have precipitated that feeling but many other complex factors built toward that feeling in my life. So I can say to you. I want you to take my feelings into consideration and I want to have a dialogue about porn. And hopefully you’re both willing to listen and consider one another’s feelings but this doesn’t mean that you have to adjust your behavior to make me feel better. Maybe I need to change the way. I think what was feel better? That’s where I wanted to go with. This too. Was just what you’re saying is that it’s the assumption that the person who is uncomfortable expresses that but it’s on both parties to communicate because just because you say you tell me that you’re not comfortable with something. I think as long as there’s a willingness for you to listen to what I have to say as well then that communication that dialogue will continue and great things can come from these conversations that are really awkward and uncomfortable to have I mean yesterday. We got into an argument here at home and Horse Porn. You’re really I don’t remember that but yeah sure maybe all. The days are blurred these days. Wow this is getting real real quick but in all seriousness. We got into an argument. And I think my normal response would have been to my normal but over the years I’ve learned to okay. Just take a deep breath. Think about you know the root cause and the rude issue here and listen. Just listen and you doing that. Allowed me to understand your perspective also understand my own perspective and convenient you properly how I was feeling but also understand how you were feeling so at the end I came out feeling a lot better or at least better than I thought it would have. After that argument about porn it was a vote and was unrelated to say what it was about. It sounds so ridiculous but it was really about going for a walk so yesterday I was cleaning out. I wanted to clean up the pantry in the basement and I ended up finding A little bit of mold at the bottom of it and the mold had gone through to the wall so we had to remove this pantry and actually we had to decide. We have to discard of it because we couldn’t get the mold off and so it was really frustrated and trying to find a home for all of our canned goods. That were in this pantry. Welcome to our world very exciting right. Nothing swinging from the Chandeliers here all day that we’re supposed to be in Rome today. I know I was a fortieth celebration.
00:10:02 – 00:15:01
It’s a bit delete. I turned forty in February. But we were supposed to fly to Rome last night a with fourteen universe of our closest friends and family for like our Dream Party and we supposed to not Rome. Sorry we’re yeah. We’re going to Rome for a few days. And then a very good friend of ours invited us to his his place in Chino. So if you’re a Branillo drinker you’ll be familiar with until Chino and then yeah. We had this week long party planned for Florence so major. I Bro Problems. I’m not I’m like a little bit disappointed but I I didn’t really get that upset about it because I get that. My situation is better than most people in the world right now and we’ll do it another time but so yeah I think I was. Maybe on edge too because it was supposed to be this big party that we’ve been planning for six months and so instead I’m cleaning mold out of the pantry this season but and then you wanted to go for a walk and I was just so fixated on finishing this pantry right finishing figuring out where the hell Oh. My stuff was going to go now that I lost my pantry to mold so and you asked me twice and I was really irritated and I was like. You’re bothering me. And then you said something along the lines of you know you need to be open to other people’s perspectives. And that really set me off. Because I felt that you were saying that I’m not open when in fact you’re right. I was not open yesterday at that time. It wasn’t just that I was fixating on the fixated on the Pantry was also waiting for my liquor delivery to arrive. Getting real here man layers. I ordered some some case of wine. So this is a new routine of Saturday’s even even listening to you dissect. The conversation last night is already making me. Think about some of these other issues. That are present in the moment. I couldn’t think about because I was too wrapped up emotionally in what was happening. So it’s really hard for me to take a step back in the midst of everything and to be able to think logically about okay. Why am I thinking this way? Why am I feeling this way? And my still able to have this conversation and also brandon shut up. And just listen when somebody else’s speaking so that you can understand their perspective rather than knee-jerk and go back to what’s bothering me. How I’m thinking how I’m feeling. It’s like okay sure. This is a two way street. Communication effective communication requires listening more. So probably than speaking you said something that really resonates with me and it reminds me of Chamara Howard. Who’s a fellow sex therapist? She says you need to listen to understand. And she said you can. You don’t agree to disagree. You agree to understand and so even if you disagree there has to be understanding. And he’ll you said really I need to listen to try and understand and I think you’re really good at that. You really good at sitting back and listening or at least your silent. I don’t know if you’ve just silent I was thinking. Here’s how I saw and I don’t know if you see it differently. I know we didn’t plan on talking about this but you saw that. I was frustrated. I was irradiated. And you wanted to fix it and you wanted to fix it by having me go for a walk and I felt like you were fixated on like if we go for a walk. She’ll be better. I need to solve her problem and for me. Sometimes that sets me off. Because I’m like no can I just be frustrated? I just want to be. I just want to be pissy for an hour. You don’t have to talk to me. You go for a walk but I WANNA BE PISSY IN MY PANTRY. GonNa say something else but yeah no. I think that I in the past tended to be very solution focused and more so solution focused on the problem which I perceive there to be when in reality I perceived a problem. That may not have been a problem but all of this is so difficult. I think when you’re first getting started with the decision to change or to improve yourself. I think back to how it used to respond to arguments and fights ten fifteen almost twenty years ago since we first moved in together and that that evolution takes time it takes a willingness. And I think in the heat of the moment when you’re like I’m going to become a better fighter. Meaning like a better arguer a better understood you’re willing to improve ender stander it. It takes time and I think that it takes a concerted effort in in the moment when you first get started and through this process of trying to become a better deal for me trying to become a better human being in in all respects takes time and I think it takes a real effort to think about what’s happening in the heat of the moment when you’re when you’re pissed off when you’re frustrated when you’re engaging in some degree of conflict you’re not going to be your best self like. I can tell you. I know I wasn’t my best self yesterday and I can also admit that over the last three weeks being kind of feeling trapped in the House and not knowing what the outcome of this will be.
00:15:02 – 00:20:05
I’m not as patient as I normally am. I notice that I’m feeling frustrated really easily and then I’ll get frustrated that I’m frustrated you know. That’s a secondary emotion meaning merger. I feel a primary emotion which is frustration I’m probably not actually feeling frustrated. I’m probably feeling scared or something else but I’m feeling frustrated because it’s the easiest. Most aggressive kind of anger and frustration are easy to go to but then I get mad at myself for being frustrated instead of being a better version of myself. I feel that secondary emotion which is a feeling in response to the first fuelling and I noticed that yesterday I just was like no. I need you to stop and apologize and I know that I wasn’t backing down and I need to. I don’t want to say get better at that. Because I was better known regressive I do feel like the the intensity of the whole situation is making me not my best self and sometimes I am like for example. My perspective on things is still very good. I think like I you know I’m not upset about not getting to go on this dream trip like I really don’t mind at all. I really do feel grateful forgetting to be home and safe and I don’t have to convince myself of that like I just I feel it but then yeah when I’m reacting to you I’m just I’m a little bit more I WANNA say reactive. But it’s worse than that. I’m I’m Pissy pissy faster. Yeah and all of those things are fair and I think it’s hard to really understand the you know the root issues behind things unless you really sit down and can reflect on yourself so like for instance. I’m upset right now over. You know it’s coming up on a year since our dog died. I’m upset about that. I’m upset about the trip that we aren’t going on and again these may sound silly to people who have real problems in their lives but all of these things contribute to how. I responded to you. Well an emotional response is real regardless of I always use this example regardless of whether or not somebody who serve you coffee as rude or someone you really love is demeaning toward you. Those feelings of rejection are real and the way you know your body responds and your mind to rejection are real. Whether it’s something really intense or something that in the grand scheme when you sit back is rather innocuous but it really is the. It’s emotional pain and its rejection and we need to work on that even more if you go back there is an episode with Karen. B K Chan. Yeah on emotional literacy and managing rejection. I’d love to do a part to with them because they were really amazing. But if we go back so we. We went off on your own off a tangent talking about a conflict. We had yesterday that. I’m you know I’m glad we had the other thing we have to remember. Is that sometimes? These small conflicts are away to relieve tension and when you relieve tension through small conflicts that are fairly easily resolvable. It can help to stave off the building of tension that could result in a in a bigger fight or argument that is more difficult to resolve so we came to this from the discussion of different perspective on Porn. And whether or not you get a say in your partners porn habits and I think what’s most important is that you consider your partner’s feelings anything about whether or not you want to change your habits because if you do something because you feel forced to do so you’re just GonNa get frustrated and resentful so you might be able to make some changes like for example. Maybe I don’t watch porn in the liver him. I don’t know at the dinner table. Refrain or maybe you know we watch it together or maybe just keep doing whatever feels good for ourselves. Maybe some people don’t agree with us. You don’t have to agree with me. I’m not right okay. Just have some ideas I keep doing what I’m doing. You keep doing what you’re doing but we talk about it more right and maybe we need to start by talking to ourselves about if you’re uncomfortable with your partners porn habits. Can you dig deep? Can you not make excuses? Can you really think about what bothers you about porn because sometimes people talk about what you brought up initially which is misogyny or specific depictions? But do you consider same moral or personal issues when you look at other forms of entertainment like Hollywood movies and books and music videos because they are no more honoring of the female Porn Forum. For example. They are no more better. There are no better at offering a wide array of depictions and body type so is dislike reserved for porn alone. And if that so what are the sexual hang ups and sexual shames and personal? Shame around those feelings because we do. We scapegoat porn and we say or woods degrading of women or it’s only one body type. Okay first of all there’s good porn out there there’s ethical porn and you can go back and listen to the episode jet-setting.
00:20:05 – 00:24:52
Jasmine who produces ethical porn? But really I think we need to dig deeper. Are you afraid that porn sets a standard? You know with which you can’t compare you feel as though you’re not enough for your partner. Are you jealous that they’re spending more time online than with you? So is it actually not about porn. Maybe it’s more about their digital habits. So can you consider some of these questions? Think about them for yourself. Then talk about how you feel and then really. I do. Think that when we’re feeling something we need to consider what we can do. What can I do to adjust my feelings as opposed to solely making demands of my partner? I’m not saying that my partner is not going to be open and willing to listen and consider my perspective and I hope that they take my feelings into consideration. I would hope that if you express feelings of vulnerability that they are responding with care and love and reassurance. But let’s just remember if you go at them with accusations and blame en judgment you are not going to get the love and care as a response you’re going to get defensiveness or withdrawal or counter-accusations. So yeah I mean. There’s no right answer. Because some people will agree that porn is a part of monogamy and so maybe we only watch together. And if that works for you so be it. I my personal perspective. Not In a professional capacity whatsoever and not based in research might my perspective. Is that if something is appealing to you. I’m really curious to explore it. And if something is appealing to you and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really WANNA be the one who setting limits for you. I want you to get to explore and feel good and maybe we have to remember that. That’s underpinned by the fact that I always know that that you put this relationship I in that I’m a value in that you love and honor and respect me and so because we have that foundation and because I do feel that foundation is so strong that I might be more open to certain things because I don’t really feel that I don’t feel that porn is GonNa shake that foundation for example. Yeah I feel like you’ve said so much that you know Little Bite. Size pieces are great. Starting points like even just thinking about having the conversation with your partner like what do they like and before you do anything she think about. How do you feel about that like if you were to tell me what you liked before I even to you? Just take a moment and think about how does that make me feel and how like. How am I going to engage with you about that late before making that quick snap response I just think okay? That’s how do I feel and how do I? How do I move forward? I think it’s hard sometimes though to figure what you feel on the spot I think sometimes we just need a moment. We need to take a B two and say okay maybe in my mind. I have to remind myself. I should be thankful that you shared that with me and I want to remain curious right now. I want to punch you but I’m thankful that no. What do you think I’m watching that you want to punch not at all no? I’m just saying that people feel It can feel really bad especially if somebody is really into something that seems the opposite of you. I’m I definitely see that differently because I love that. You’re in the things that are the opposite of me because it let’s me see a different dimension. I’m like Oh Brennan’s not just the man he is with me. He’s this man in a very different way in a potentially different scenario that I mean that’s something to further explore. It also like to talk if I have time. I’d like to do some of these quickey episodes with this was supposed to be shorter episode but then we started talking back pantry and the Pantry But I’d like to talk a little bit about porn addiction and what the research says around Porn Addiction. And how it’s. Iho genyk meaning that the diagnosis itself causes the symptoms. And look at some of the evidence against it and look at the ways. We Scapegoat Porn. I I should have somebody who’s more learned in the field. Perhaps than me. Or just do a quickie on it so I think we can stop their brandon. Thanks for chatting. Thank you great. Yeah given the. We’re given the fact that we’re at home. More not on the run perhaps released a few shorter episodes in between our regular Friday. So thank you to you for tuning in. Thanks for chatting with me. Babe always I know. I don’t listen to these back before released them because I might be like. Oh do I really WANNA share that story about our fight. Maybe some idiot. We’re GONNA leave it as be wherever you out folks. Hope you’re having a great one. Hang in there thirties. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.
