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February 21, 2020

How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship

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The toll of intimate partner violence struck close to home this week and with this weighing on her mind, Jess discusses nine strategies for supporting a loved one who is dealing with an abusive partner. This isn’t a private issue, it’s a public health crisis and we have to do more to protect those at risk.

Content warning: I will be talking about violence and the death of someone in my community.

I will be reading some of the details of a recent death, so if you don’t feel comfortable hearing about intimate partner violence and death, please stop this podcast now. This may not be for you.

Last weekend Dr. Amie Harwick, a marriage and family therapist who focused on relationships and sex was killed. She was killed in her home and was found below a third floor balcony with evidence of manual strangulation according to news reports. Her ex has been charged with murder.

According to reports from court documents from 2011 & 2012, her ex choked, suffocated, pushed, kicked, slammed her head into the ground and refused to get help. He pushed her out of a car. He broke into her housing complex, smashed ten picture frames against her door, left 4 dozen flowers taped to her door and left a note warning that things would get worse.

A restraining order was enacted against him. It expired two weeks prior to her death.

I don’t know why restraining orders expire. I’m not an expert in legal protections against violent partners and exes. But my intuition is that they shouldn’t expire.

There is now a petition on change.org called Justice 4 Amie. The creator, suggests that some changes to protect those dealing with a violent or abusive partner begin with:

1. No expiration date or a longer protection term and to not be lifted until victim requests it to be cancelled. (In reference to restraining orders.)

2. Mandatory long-term counselling for the stalker/abuser. If they are deemed a harm to the victim or society, then institutionalization may be ordered.

3. Victims should not have to testify in a courtroom close to their abuser/stalker. There should be an option to live stream in a safe space in a satellite location for the hearing with the judge. It’s a traumatic experience that the victim is already dealing with and should not be subjected to it again if they do not feel they can. That is why many abusers get away with their actions: many victims back out of trial due to fear of facing their perpetrator.

Amie ran into this ex at an industry event a few weeks before her death.

According to a friend who is quoted in several news outlets, the ex went ballistic and was abusive and threatening. Amie said she was scared he would show up at her home. She went to the police, but they did not take it seriously.

You may have read headlines about Amie’s death or seen photos of her with celebrity comedian Drew Carey because they also used to date.

I want to read a message from a close mutual friend, Dr. Hernando Chaves that sums up what I’m thinking because I think he says it better than I will right now:

“She did everything she could do to protect herself, and this person still sought her out and was violent toward her,” Chaves said. “That is what people I hope are going to see — not the sensationalism of her dating Drew Carey or being a ‘Hollywood sex therapist’… but that our system is not protecting women.”

I’ve been really anxious since I heard the news. I’m angry. I’m so sad. I’m sad obviously for Amie and her family and loved ones who were closer to her than I was, but I’m also sad that in a world where we take so many precautions to protect the public, we still aren’t doing what it takes to protect those at risk of violence from their partners.

Amie and I had a lot in common. We were supposed to meet on Tuesday in Hollywood. She was so smart. I interviewed her for my podcast a few years ago and she helped me to manage some of my people pleasing tendencies on the air. I remember being in Kelowna, B.C. when we recorded and I recall that I was struck by how insightful she was – personally and professionally.

Amie also wrote the companion book to my book, The New Sex Bible. Her book was entitled The New Sex Bible for Women.

Amie was also a therapist to whom I referred friends and clients when it was a good fit. They raved about how much she helped them. The therapist and sex educator community are struggling with her death. And her clients, of course, are struggling too.

I find that I can’t get it out of my mind. I’ve woken up in the night thinking about it since I heard the news. I think it’s the gruesomeness of it. I heard that he broke into her home and was lying in wait, so I find myself feeling afraid. And I’m pissed that the law and our entire society doesn’t do more to protect people – and women, in particular against this type of violence.

Research tells us that women are far more likely to be killed by an intimate acquaintance or spouse than by a stranger. The most dangerous place in terms of threat of murder, is the home.

And so I want to talk today about ways to support those who are in abusive relationships. I’ve been thinking about it since Amie’s death and reading about it and so I thought I’d share some specific strategies that you that we can all use to support, love and help those who may be dealing with an abusive partner.

I want to be very clear that I’m talking about this because I feel personally affected – emotionally. This is just weighing heavily on my mind and the mind and hearts of so many folks I love and work with in this field. And it sucks. I’m processing. I’m not going to talk about all of my complicated feelings here and now. Instead I want to talk about ways we can support those who are dealing with an abusive partner.

I’m not using Amie’s death as an opportunity to seek any sort of profit. I won’t be taking sponsorship money for this episode. Instead, I’ve made a donation to RockToRecovery.org – This is a charity that that brings the healing power of music to people in treatment for addiction, trauma, and mental health concerns and I know Amie was a supporter of their work.

My hope is that someone will use some of the suggestions I’m about to share to find support or support a loved one.

To be clear, as Hernando said, Amie did everything right.

This is not on her. This is not on her friends or loved ones. This was an ex. From a decade ago as I understand it. She had a restraining order. She had security at her house. She had a roommate and friends who were aware of the situation. I want to underscore that as I share some strategies for supporting a friend or loved one who is in an abusive relationship, I’m not specifically relating this to Amie or her friends, who I know were supportive.

I’m choosing to talk about this now because I’m mad. I’m so sad. I’m anxious. So please let me be very clear that I’m not suggesting that Amie’s friends or loved ones didn’t do these things. I’m not suggesting that what I’m going to talk about now specifically relates to Amie and I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting that anyone other than the perpetrator and a system that continues to allow intimate partner violence to exist at alarming rates is to blame.

I’m choosing to talk about this now because I’m upset and I don’t really want to talk about anything else. So here we go. This is relevant to every last one of us because we can always offers some type of support.

I want to begin by reviewing the World Health Organization‘s definition of Intimate Partner Violence:

“Any behaviour within an intimate relationship that causes physical, psychological or sexual harm to those in the relationship. Examples of types of behaviour are listed below. Acts of physical violence, such as slapping, hitting, kicking and beating. Sexual violence, including forced sexual intercourse and other forms of sexual coercion. Emotional (psychological) abuse, such as insults, belittling, constant humiliation, intimidation (e.g. destroying things), threats of harm, threats to take away children. Controlling behaviours, including isolating a person from family and friends; monitoring their movements; and restricting access to financial resources, employment, education or medical care.”

Intimate partner violence (IPV) may include physical violence, sexual coercion, emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. Each of these factors has been shown to adversely affect the abused partner’s mental and physical health in a manner that persists long after the violence stops. IPV, which is most commonly perpetrated by men against women is also tied to negative outcomes for the couple’s children including anxiety, depression, poor academic performance and adverse healthy consequences.

If you believe someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, consider the following guidelines to offer effective and caring support:

1. Set up a time to talk. If possible, find a private time and place so that you won’t be interrupted. If this isn’t possible, be creative and consider slipping away to the restroom or another private space knowing that an abusive partner is often watching closely and you don’t want to do anything to further incite them.
2. Be straightforward and supportive. You might say something as simple as “I’ve noticed _________ (e.g. bruises on your arm, that you seem afraid in their presence, that they try to control what you say) and I’m concerned. What can I do to help?” You can offer assurance that you’ll keep your conversations private and ask them what they require in order to feel safe.
3. Offer specific help. Can you assist with housing, child care, transportation, daily logistics and/or financial aid? Be specific so that they can make a plan that works for them. Ask them how you can help. If they ask you to do something that you cannot do, be honest and seek out additional sources of support (e.g. other friends, family members or local agencies) who may be able to assist.
4. Whether they decide to leave their partner or remain in the relationship, continue to offer support. Don’t give up. Reach out regularly. Continue to ask if you can be of assistance without judgment.
5. Offer support unconditionally. Do not place conditions upon your offer of support (i.e. offer money only if they promise to leave within a set period of time). You may think you’re helping, but being supportive means allowing them to generate a plan that works specifically for them — not for you.
6. Let your concerns about rejection and personal discomfort take a back seat to your concerns for their safety. Oftentimes, intimate partner abuse is ignored as a private problem and friends, family and other potential sources of support avoid important conversations out of fear of interfering in so-called private matters. These fears facilitate abuse in the domestic sphere and further intensify the isolation in which abuse festers; if you’re concerned, speak up. Your discomfort pales in comparison to their fear of shouldering abuse in isolation.
7. Be prepared. Connect with resources in your community in advance. Call the hotlines, contact housing support resources and reach out to potential allies in advance so that you can provide accurate and updated information. You may want to begin with the resources listed below. They may not be able to even search on their computer.
8. Listen and believe what they tell you. You may have dozens of solutions in mind, but your first job is to listen and trust that the information they provide you with is accurate. They are the ultimate experts in their own experience. Support them in cultivating whatever skills they feel are required to cope/leave. Be patient and don’t expect them to embrace your idea of the appropriate solution/action.
9. Validate their feelings and offer support to counteract victim-blaming. Remind them that they are not responsible for their partner’s abuse. Abusers are skilled at manipulation and reinforcing victim-blaming rhetoric, so if you’re given the opportunity to dismantle these beliefs, do so in a caring way. For example, you might simply say “It’s not your fault” or “You’re not to blame”. Do not further reinforce victim-blaming by shaming or judging them for staying in the relationship.

This is not an exhaustive list of ways to support someone dealing with a violent partner, but I believe it’s a start.

And if you’re looking for Intimate Partner Violence Resources and Hotlines, consider:

National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA) 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) and you can chat live online 24/7 on their website, thehotline.org.

I was reading through their site and you can call anytime. They take calls from those who are dealing with intimate partner violence and they’ll also take your call if you’ve been abusive. They offer supports on both sides all with the goal of reducing intimate partner violence.

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. In Canada, you can find more info at ShelterSafe.ca, and internationally there’s the International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies. I also found a site HotPeachPages.net that offers an international directory of supports in over 110 languages.

We were talking about this last night and although men can be both perpetrators and victims of intimate partner violence, how can they speak up and offer support? All of the other ways I’ve outlined are in no way gender-specific, but the other piece of dismantling misogyny and address behaviours and norms that reinforce and uphold patriarchal standards. And so, this has to do with not laughing at sexist jokes or speaking up when you hear a rape joke. Let’s dismantle gender norms related to both masculinity and femininity that are binary and toxic, and force people into roles that aren’t healthy and limit our self-expression.

Upcoming, I’d like to talk to someone about that. I was thinking about Dr. Hernando Chaves who is a fellow sex therapist and also a marriage and family therapist, I know he was close to Aime and is personally dealing with this right now, so now is not a good time. I would like to have that discussion in the future, about not only supporting people who are in abusive relationships, but dismantling the structures that uphold, reinforce and facilitate the acts of perpetrators.

This was preventable and really scary, anything to do with mortality is difficult to process. The reminder that we don’t have all the time in the world, and that we don’t know when our time on this Earth will come to an end. And of course, the trauma of it being such a violent, and preventable, and inexcusable death. I’m sure some of you may have known Aime as well, because I know there are folks in the community that tune in, and I appreciate that. So I encourage you to share this, share the resources as well. Speak up and know that you don’t have to be perfect. I know folks who counsel on domestic abuse don’t have the answers. There is no perfect formula, recipe, there is no bible because every situation is different. I think if we can let our voices be heard, and elevate these voices, folks will know we have their backs and they’re not to blame. Maybe we can see people supported more effectively than they are right now.

And once again, a reminder I’m not talking about people who were are not supporting Aime. I know she had a network of support around her and no one is to blame except the perpetrator and the system that allows for these things to happen. So I’m going to stop right there. I’m feeling a little tense, and a little awkward today, but perhaps some of these strategies will come in handy and that you’ll share them with a friend or reach out to a friend that may be in need.

So thanks again. I hope you’re well this weekend. If you are feeling alone, if you are feeling shaken and need a little love, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I think that’s something we struggle with, and I think I see that change in younger folks. I’m hopeful for the future, I’m hopeful you are feeling safe and loved and that you have all the support around you today and everyday.

I will leave it at that, I will be back next Friday with a new episode. Wherever you’re at, I hope you have a great one.

If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here. As well, you can now record your messages for us! Please record your message/question in a quiet room and use your phone’s headphones with a built-in mic if possible.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship

00:00:05 – 00:05:04

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jasser podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey this is just a Riley and today I’m going to be talking about a topic that could be upsetting to some people. We’re going to be talking about some violence and death of someone in my community. I’ll be reading some of the details of a recent death so if you don’t feel comfortable hearing about intimate partner violence and ultimately death. Please stop this podcast now. This may not be for you last weekend. Dr Amy Horwick Marriage and family therapist who focused on relationships and sex was killed. She was killed in her home and was found below a third floor. Balcony with evidence of strangulation. According to news reports and her ex has been charged with murder. I knew amy and have been reading the reports and according to court documents from two thousand eleven and two thousand twelve this same acts who has been charged in her murder choked. Suffocated pushed kicked slammed her head into the ground and refused to get help for his behavior. He pushed out of a car. He broke into her housing complex. He smashed picture frames against her door. He left flowers. Dozens of flowers taped to her door. He left a note warning that things would get worse and these docs are from almost ten years ago. In a restraining order was put in place against him and this restraining order expired two weeks before she died. And I don’t know why restraining orders expire. I’m not an expert in legal protections against violent partners in excess. Of course. My intuition is that they shouldn’t expire There is now a petition on Change Dot Org called justice for amy and the creator of friend of Amy’s suggests that we need to make some changes to protect those dealing with a violent or abusive partner. And I’ll read you. Some of the changes that are suggested first and foremost they suggest no expiration date or a longer protection term for restraining orders. And that they shouldn’t be lifted until victims requested to be cancelled. She also suggests mandatory long-term counseling for the person who is stalking or abusing. And if they’re deemed harm to the victim or society than institutionalization may be ordered. A another suggestion is that victims should not have to testify in a courtroom close to or in front of their abuser or stocker. There should be the option to livestream in a safe space in a satellite location for the hearing with the judge. It’s traumatic. She writes that. It’s a traumatic experience that the victim is already dealing with and should not be subjected to again. If they do not feel they can. And this is why many abusers get away with their actions many victims backout of trial due to fear of facing their perpetrator. Now Amy. She ran into this axe. The same Aksu has been charged in her murder. She ran into him at an industry event ashes actually with a mutual friend and according to another friend who is quoted across several news outlets. This acts this man went ballistic. He was abusive. He was threatening. Amy told her that she was scared. And she said she was scared he would show up at her home. Im- you went to the police. But they didn’t take it seriously. And this friend describes this guy as obsessive and controlling now you may have read headlines about. Amy’s death or seen photos of her with the celebrity comedian drew Carrey because they also used to date and I want to read a message that was published in a number of pieces from a close mutual friend of ours Dr Hernandez Shevess that I think sums up what I’m thinking because I think it says it better than I will right now in reference to Amy Hernandez says she did everything she could to protect herself. And this person’s still sought her out and was violent toward her. This is what I hope. People are going to see not the sensationalism sensationalism of her dating drew Carey or the fact that she was a Hollywood sex therapist.

00:05:04 – 00:10:00

But that our system is not protecting women now Hernandez message me to tell me about amy’s death. He didn’t want me to read about it on TMZ Unfortunately other people had already texted me. The articles a couple of days ago the morning after she was killed. And since then I’ve I’ve been feeling really anxious since I read this news. I’m angry I’m sad I’m sad. Obviously for amy and her family and her loved ones who were closer to her than I was. But I’m also sad than in a world where we take so many precautions to protect the public. We still aren’t doing what it takes to protect those at risk of violence from their partners and amy and I had a lot in common in fact we were supposed to meet on Tuesday in Hollywood. She she’s supposed to be on my podcast. She was really really smart. I interviewed her on this podcast a few years ago and she actually helped me to work through and manage some of my people pleasing tendencies on air which is a tough thing for someone in the public eye to want to be a people pleaser. Because I’m setting myself up for failure and I remember when I interviewed Amy Being in Colona BC so the west coast of Canada. And I remember when we recorded I recall being really struck by how insightful she was. How smart How’re ticket and you had just her insights personally and professionally? Were really helpful to me. Amy and I shared a bunch in common. She wrote the New Sex Bible for women. Which was the companion book to my last book. The new sex Bible She was a therapist of very talented therapist. To whom I referred friends and clients when it was a good fit when there was no conflict and they raised about how much she helped them. I knew right now. The therapist and sex educator community are are struggling with her death I knew her clients of course are struggling to and me personally I just. I can’t get it out of my mind. I’ve woken up in the night thinking about it since I heard the news every night. I don’t know if it’s the gruesome of it. I read ever had so many reports. I don’t know how to keep it all straight but I read that he broke into her home and was lying in. Wait so I find myself feeling at even at this moment. A little shaky. I feel afraid sort of in a irrational way angry. I’m really pissed that the law and our society doesn’t do more to protect people and women in particular against this type of violence because we know that the data says that women are far more likely to be killed by an intimate acquaintance or a spouse than by a stranger and so that makes the most dangerous place in terms of threat of murder. The home for women and so today. I WanNa talk about ways to support those who are in abusive relationships. I’ve been thinking about it since Amy’s death and reading about it and so I thought what I do. Today is share some specific strategies. The you that we can all use to support love and and help those who may be dealing with an abusive partner. And before I go on. I want to be very clear that I’m talking about this because honestly because I feel shaken feel personally affected This is just weighing heavily on my mind and on the mind hearts of so many folks that I know and that I love and that I work within this field and you know it sucks. I’m I’m processing. Were all processing. I’m not GonNa talk about all of my complicated feelings here now but I do want to talk about ways. We can support those who might be dealing with an abusive partner and Before I get started I want to reiterate I’m not using amy’s death as as an opportunity to seek profit I won’t be taking sponsorship money for this episode instead. I’ve making a donation to rock to recovery DOT ORG. This is a charity that amy supported. Apparently it brings the healing power of music to people in treatment for addiction trauma and mental health concerns. And I remember that. Amy was always at their fundraisers and parties and my hope is that somebody will use some of the suggestions. I’m about to share to find support or to support a loved one end to be very very clear as my friend. Hernandez said amy did everything right. This is not on her. This is not on her friends or loved ones. This was an axe from around a decade ago. As I understand it she had a restraining order. She had security at her house.

00:10:00 – 00:15:03

She had a roommate and friends. Who were aware of the situation and and I want to underscore that as I’m about to share strategies for supporting a friend or a loved one who is in an abusive relationship. I’m not specifically relating this to amy or or her friends in suggesting that that they weren’t support. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m choosing to talk about this now because a mad of sad and anxious so I just really want to reiterate. I’m not suggesting that Amy’s friends or loved ones didn’t do these things. I’m not suggesting that what I’m going to talk about specifically relates to amy. I’m not suggesting that anyone other than the perpetrator and a system that continues to allow intimate partner violence to exist and flourish at alarming rates. That is what’s to blame. Who and what It’s not about anybody else. And I’m I’m choosing to talk about this now. Just ’cause I’m upset and I don’t really WanNa talk about anything else. So I’ve been doing some reading about intimate partner. Violence and looking at definitions in the world. Health Organization defines intimate partner violence as any behavior within an intimate relationship that causes physical psychological or sexual harm to those in the relationship. This could include acts of physical violence like slapping hitting kicking and beating it could involve sexual violence including forced sexual acts or intercourse any form of sexual coercion. emotional or psychological abuse like insults. Belittling constant humiliation intimidation destroying things threats of harm threats to take away children. It could involve controlling behaviors including isolated person from family and friends monitoring their movements restricting access to financial resources employment education medical care and intimate partner violence can include physical violence sexual coercion emotional abuse controlling behavior. Eg’s factors has been shown to adversely affect the abused partners mental and physical health in a manner that persists long after the violence stops it is primarily perpetrated by men against women and it’s tied to negative outcomes for the couple’s children if they have children including anxiety depression poor academic performance and adverse health consequences. So this comes from the World Health Organization and so I want to talk about what you can do. If you observe that someone you care about is in a an abusive relationship in any of these ways and so share some of the guidelines that I’ve garnered from the people I’ve worked with in my research so that you can offer effective and carrying support so I’ve kind of just put these into steps. Number one is that you need to set up a time to talk and if possible you wanNA find a private time and a place so you won’t be interrupted. And if this isn’t possible because the monitoring behavior of the abusive partner inhibits this get creative. Consider slipping away to the bathroom or another private space and being mindful that an abusive partners often watching closely. And you don’t WanNa do anything to further incite them. Be Aware of if you taxed or message. Someone is this abusive partner potentially reading their messages. And once you’ve found this time to talk you WanNa be straightforward and supportive. So you might want to say something as simple as what you’ve noticed so you might say I’ve noticed that you seem afraid or nervous when they’re here or I notice that they try and limit what you say or I’ve noticed that they don’t seem to want you to connect with your friends and family without supervision or noticed the bruises on your arms and I’m concerned so if you can use the language of I’ve noticed make your observation and I’m concerned followed by. What can I do for help? What can I do to help? So I’ve noticed this. I’m concerned about it. What can I do to help you? And you WanNa always offer reassurance that you’re going to keep your conversations private because sadly shame still this for the victim victim blaming is persistent have seen it in the comments. Online directed at. Amy was heartbreaking for her for her family We saw comedian. I think her name is I. Don’t even know even call her comedian talk show host. Who isn’t funny at all? Wendy Williams make a joke about amy’s death because she used to date.

00:15:04 – 00:20:03

Also the prices rice hosts price is right host. Ju- Kerry sorry. I’m a little shaky today. I’m not Hitting all my words I think the way maybe I normally do or maybe I’m always like this and so there’s you know there’s no humor in this and because they’re shame for the victims. You WanNa really reminded this person that you’re not gonNa tell anyone and ask them what they need in order to feel safe so say what you’ve noticed. Let them know you’re concerned? Ask what you can do to help. Assure them that you’ll keep this private and really ask them what they need at this moment in time to feel safe and when it comes to offering help be really specific about what help you can offer. Can you help with housing with child care with transportation with logistics? Can you help financially be really specific but what you can and can’t do so that they can make a plan that works for them if they ask you to do something that you can’t do be honest and help them to find another source of support. Maybe it’s another friend. Family member a local agency. Who’s able to assist? Don’t tell them you can do something that you can’t do. And a reminder to reserve judgment whether they decide to leave their partner or remain in the relationship keep offering support. Don’t give up reach out regularly. Continue to ask if you can be without judgment and when you offer report please offer that support unconditionally. I think this might be the most important piece. Do not place conditions upon your offer of support for example if you can give them money. Don’t say you only give the money. If they promised to leave this person within a set period of time you may think you’re helping but being supportive means allowing them to generate a plan that works specifically for them not for you because they are the experts in the situation you are not and to force yourself to have this conversation you may need to let your concerns about rejection and your personal discomfort. Take a back seat to your concerns for their safety because oftentimes with intimate partner abuse. It’s ignored as a private problem and friends and families in other potential sources of support. Avoid these important conversations out of fear of interfering in so-called private matters but these fears facilitate abuse in the domestic sphere and they further intensify the isolation in which abuse fester so. If you’re concerned speak up. Your discomfort pales in comparison to their fear of having to manage in shoulder this abuse isolation and before you go to them. Please be prepared. Call connect do your research with resources in your community in advance call. The hotlines asked the questions. Contact Housing support resources reach out to potential allies in advance so that you can provide accurate and updated information. You want to begin with the resources so that they have them in hand if they’re able to take them with them you know. These people might not even be able to search on their computer. Your friends might be limited in what they can access if their partner is monitoring and controlling their behavior. So do your research come a equipped with resources in hand. Maybe they can’t take them but maybe they can memorize a number or maybe they can write it down kind of in a hidden place and when they talk to you when they respond. Listen and believe what they tell you. Listen you might have dozen solutions in mind. It might seem like a clear path to safety for you but your first job is to listen and trust that the information they provide you with his accurate because they are the ultimate experts in their own experience. Support them in Kabul cultivating whatever skills they feel are required to cope or to leave. So you’re GONNA have to be patient and don’t expect them to embrace your idea of the appropriate solution or action. You might see a clear path but at night might not be as clear given their own financial or familial or just personal situation and when they share with you make sure you have the language to validate their feelings and offer support to counteract victim blaming. Remind them that they’re not responsible for their partners abuse because abusers are really skilled at manipulation and reinforcing this kind of victim blaming rhetoric. So if you’re given the opportunity to dismantle these beliefs do it in a caring way.

00:20:03 – 00:25:03

You might simply say you know. It’s not your fault you’re absolutely not to blame Do not reinforce victim blaming by shaming or judging them for staying in the relationship because not everyone has the tools skills the supports to leave at any moment in time People living in abuse live in fear and we have evidence data but also just firsthand with what’s going on in our community that you can live in fear for years to come in the law and the world and culture and society just may not be set up to protect you so you know just to kind of recap. You’re setting up a private time to talk you being really straightforward with your language. Your offering very specific help. Tell them exactly what you can and can’t do You’re offering support and not giving up and reaching out regularly if they decide to stay in the relationship. You’re making that support unconditional. If there’s anything you can do to support this person do it. Not on the contingency that they behave in specific way. But just unconditional Put Your concerns about rejection and district aside. I know this seems like a private matter. But it’s not this person can use your help Be prepared have all the resources in hand. Believe what they tell you trusted. They’re the experts validate their feelings counteract victim blaming. And of course you know. This isn’t an exhaustive list of ways to support someone dealing with violent partner. I think it’s a start. I hope it’s helpful to you to some people. I hope you know. In some cases it’ll encourage people to speak up. I think also just looking at the broader definition of abuse is really important because sometimes we think abuse is just physical but of course abuse comes in many forms and the manipulation. The emotional the psychological can take as intense and in some cases more intensive a toll on people’s wellbeing and if you’re looking for intimate partner violence resources and hotlines. There is the national domestic violence hotline in the states and their phone number is one eight hundred seven nine nine safe one. Eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three three and they have a ty number as wall which is one eight hundred seventy seven three two two four. You can also go to their website. Which is the hotline dot? Org The hotline dot. Org and you can chat online. Live twenty four seven with someone to offer. Support knows reading through their site. And it’s twenty four seven three sixty five and they take calls from those who were dealing with intimate partner violence as well as people who are looking for supports for their friends and loved ones. But I think it’s important to note that they’ll also take your call if you have been abusive if you have abused your partner. And you’re looking for supports to change this behavior. And so they offer supports on both sides all with the goal of reducing intimate partner violence. And of course. If you’re in immediate danger please call nine one one in Canada you can find more INFO at shelter safe dot ca and internationally. There is the international directory of domestic violence agencies. And I found this other page called hot peach pages dot net hot peach peaches in the fruit hot peach pages dot net and they offer an international directory of supports around the world in over a believe. It’s over one hundred and ten languages and Brennan. I were talking about this last night. And he asked the question you know. How can how can men speak up? How can men offer support? And of course all of the ways I just outlined her in no way gender-specific but they’re the other piece of of dismantling misogyny and addressing behaviors norms that reinforce uphold patriarchal standards. And so this has to do with you. Know not laughing at sexist jokes and speaking up when you hear a rape joke at or a joke related abuse and Just dismantling gender norms related to both masculinity and femininity that are binary and and toxic and force people into roles that that aren’t healthy that limit our self expression. That stymie are emotional literacy and so- upcoming I’d like to talk to someone about that I was thinking of Dr Hernandez Chavez.

00:25:03 – 00:28:35

Who is a fellow marriage and family therapist a fellow sex therapist and also a marriage and family therapist? I know he was close to amy and is personally dealing with this right now. So now’s probably not gonna be a good time But I I would like to have that discussion in the future. About not only supporting. It’s not just about supporting people who are in abusive relationships. But about dismantling the structures that uphold reinforce and facilitate the acts of perpetrators. The small stuff that normalizes it and then the bigger stuff that new policy based and doesn’t offer the protections that folks like. Amy Deserve this. This is preventable and really scary and You can probably tell I’m shaken by naming. I weren’t weren’t super close at all We as I said we were supposed to meet on Tuesday. That won’t be happening so of course anything to do. With mortality is I think difficult to process the reminder that we don’t have all the time in the world and we don’t know when our time on this earth will come to an end and then of course the the trauma of it being such a violent and preventable and inexcusable death. So I’m sure some of you may have known amy as well because I know that they’re folks in the in the community who who tune in and I appreciate that appreciate that you think I might have some insights that can help you either personally professionally and so encourage you to share this. Share the resources as well. The hotline dot org and hot peach pages dot net and yet speak up and know that you don’t have to be perfect. I mean I don’t I don’t have the answers. Even folks who who counsel people on domestic abuse don’t have the answers. There is no perfect formula. There’s no recipe. There’s no Bible Because every situation is different. But I think that if we can let our voices be heard and elevate these voices so that folks know that we’ve got their backs and They’re not to blame Maybe we can see. People supported more effectively than they are right now and and once again a reminder that. I’m not talking about people not supporting amy I know. She had a network of support around her and no one is to blame except the perpetrator in the system. That allows for these things to happen. So I’m GonNa stop there feeling a little tense and a little awkward today but hoping that perhaps some of these strategies will come in handy in the you’ll share them with a friend or reach out to a friend who may be a need so thank you for listening. I hope you’re doing well this weekend. I hope that if this is a difficult topic for you that you have the supports and love around you that you need and if and if you are feeling alone or you are feeling shaken or you need a little love. Please reach out. Don’t be afraid to reach out and say I need help. I think that’s something we struggle with and I I think I see that changing with younger folks so as you know. I’m hopeful hopeful for the future and Hopeful that you you’re feeling good and feeling safe and feeling loved and that you have all the support around you today and everyday. I’ll leave it at that. I’ll be back next Friday with a new episode Wherever you’re at hope you have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jasser. Podcast improve your sex life improve your life.