January 3, 2020
Sexual Values Questionnaire Part II
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Jess & Brandon complete the Sexual Values Questionnaire and continue learning about themselves and one another. They discuss how they feel about the physical, practical, emotional and spiritual components of sex. They also discuss sexual frequency and some of the challenges they personally face.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Sexual Values Questionnaire Part II
00:00:05 – 00:05:15
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight Welcome to the sex with Dr. Just podcasts it’s twenty twenty first podcast of the year. I’m your co host Brandon. Wear here with my love. The other half Dr Jess Pretty Pretty excited for twenty twenty produce cited what what particularly excite you twenty twenty space travel flying cars. It’s twenty twenty twenty. I’m teleporting everywhere. Robots clean my house and make smoothies. I’m pretty sure there are robots that clean the house. Listen I’m just excited for the jetsons. Yes which is what. Let me guess what I watched as a child right well tell me this was the jetsons set in twenty twenty because it seemed like it was set in twenty twenty it. Did they had flying cars. We’re not there other than that. I don’t know anything about the show contrary to what you believe. I did not watch that as a child. They had a robot a dog. They did have a dog. I don’t think it was a robot dog underneath that it was a robots a robot. So anyhow I’m excited for this year it’s the very beginning beginning. We Pretty Nice holiday definitely hope everyone had a good holiday was fairly relaxing. I’m a little still under the whether you’re getting under the weather. This is my fault you in a throw you under the bus on this one. I’m getting sick because of you. Use My toothbrush are you. Somebody’s toothbrush other day. Whose it was probably somebody was cleaning with it? Did you use the cleaning toothbrush. Filled bleach clean done. My New Year morning breath was just a little bit better Vinnie so we had a pretty good holiday feeling. I’ve feeling relaxed. I’m not as refreshed as I would have liked to have been for the start of the year and I know you’re more of a sentimental person like wanting to do things a certain way to set the tone. Interestingly I was reading that the tradition of wanting to be doing being something specific at midnight at the start of the year comes from our shameful pass. So the idea that Oh. I should be spending time with with whomever I love. Or if I’m having a good time at midnight it means I’m going to have a great year. I was reading. This actually comes from the shameful past of slavery That’s no that. Slaves would be families in slavery. Would the extra nervous four January first because because this was the date when their owners could lease them out to another property so this was a time when families became separated from one. Another so something that we see as this you know perhaps positive or sentimental tradition is perhaps related to are sorted history of I. It’s such a weird thing to say to even the the notion of owning people but I think it’s important we talk about it because it wasn’t that long ago because folks we know still have surviving relatives who who who were affected and of course in America we looked at America. Black Americans are still affected by this history and across the world. We we deal with Modern Day slavery and you and I visit places that are modern day. Colonialism where people are working for unacceptably low wages in unacceptably. Dangerous and inhumane. You mean conditions yes. It’s frightening I had no idea that the The history of that idea of what you’re doing on New Year’s Eve stemmed stemmed from that so clearly. A little more edgy education. I need to be Digging into to make sure what’s going on to all of us is just reading one one article. That doesn’t make me anything except somebody who read an article in his repeating it but it’s it’s interesting because this year at midnight I thought about it differently. I was like okay so this has nothing nothing to do with you. Know just good luck or good vibes or anything like that although we we had you know moving from a s a serious and saddened important topic to More light eight one one with more level levity. We had an exciting New Year’s Eve is always. We’re down at Goldeneye in Jamaica and they had some good. Dj’s a good band. I got to dance on my head top if you missed that on instagram. You need to get over there. She danced on her head. Yes and it wouldn’t have happened. Had No one posted on instagram. Think think ought head to do it twice. I know the first time I didn’t catch it right so I actually need a new party trick for twenty twenty because dancing on my head is old. I’ve done it twice already. I told you what to do what splits I can’t do the splits man to work on it. Okay I’m not that flexible though midfield sportsperson running catch a Frisbee. Yeah a running catch a football over the edge of a cliff. Okay okay that that’s the plan for twenty twenty all right we we go to remain this us in Last week we were talking about sexual values and we were working through the sexual values questionnaire together and we talked a lot and we only made it through a few questions so we talked about the messages we received about sex growing up.
00:05:16 – 00:10:00
And I think that reflecting upon your past can be helpful but also understanding the part of your partner or partners can also be quite insightful. We talked about the messages that we want to retain from our youth and the ones that we want to reframe and discard. We talked about what sex means to US and how it’s changed over time. We talked about the importance of sex and I think we started to talk about the emotional components of sex. And what we value and so the second half of the sexual values questionnaire involves a a a series of questions that build upon these earlier questions so we begin with what emotional components of sex. Do you value. What physical and practical components of sex do you value? What spiritual components of sex devalue? How often do you want to have sex? How do you want to feel before during and after sex and how do you anticipate sex changing over time? And what are the sexual challenges you currently face and how can can you address them so these are big questions kind of having to do a slightly truncated version otherwise we could be here for hours but we do encourage you to give the sexual values questionnaire. Try It’s on our website at sex doctor just dot com on the podcast page and you can work through one question at a time. When Week? You can sit down and do a couple over over dinner you can work your way through the entire questionnaire you might find that one question leads to a dozen other questions but let’s dive right in rather than you know talking about it. Let’s give it a try ourselves so I wanna go back a little because I think we talked about it a little bit last week but Brandon beginning with you. What emotional emotional components of sex are important to you? Feel like we should do a speed around for this. Said I keep my answer short sweet you go ahead. What emotional could you please repeat the question? What emotional components of sex do you value? I value emotionally jess. You know this is really interesting. Not Not to divert away from the question but I honestly don’t even really know like I emotionally. I like that. We are connected during sex but right now I’m thinking more just about how I feel physically than how I feel emotionally. I think after we have sex. I probably feel more connected to you. Feel more secure with you Those are just the first two that come to mind as we work through these questions. I realize that each person interprets them differently even me having written them. I interpreted differently than you. So when I think about what emotional components of sex I value I think about how sex is an emotional experience and how I feel differently after sex and how for not having sex like if we’re in a dry spell I feel differently and so I think the emotional outcomes of sex which for me are feeling safe and feeling loved. I am feeling satisfied and most importantly feeling relaxed. That’s the big one for me. The and in the past we’ve talked about our core erotic feelings and if you haven’t listened to the podcast I suggest you go back and have a listen your core roddick feeling being the feeling you most. Oh strongly associate with sacs but for me sexist so emotional it’s always emotionally. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a stranger or with a life partner It doesn’t matter if it’s with one person or four people to me. It’s always an emotional experience and I think that’s because I I see every interaction and every experience as emotional I always think about. Why do people get so upset if someone cuts them off on the road? It’s because every every experience produces an emotional reaction. Why are you upset if the Baristas rude to you in the morning because everything’s emotional emotional and then sex because it’s physical because it’s interpersonal because for some people with spiritual it’s the emotion is just so elevated so I see it as so emotional national? I would agree with you. I don’t think I would have attributed the the relaxation feeling as emotional as it would have physiological. We’ll because I definitely feel that way Well all that leads us into the next question which is what physical and practical components components of sex.
00:10:00 – 00:15:17
Do you value. Well I certainly enjoy the relaxation response that is elicited by sex. I I also enjoy. I enjoy the anticipation of sex really but it but it’s changed like initially when we first got together. Who is the idea of? When are we going to have sex right? And as it’s evolved over the last almost two two decades now twenty twenty. I’m GonNa say Twenty Twenty so much twenty twenty but now the anticipation is just too much for me. A much shorter our time. Frame like the anticipation of sex. Me Be between the period of which I get naked and you know we start having sex so that anticipation segment is very short but still kind of appreciate that feeling leading up to knowing I’m going to have hopefully some good sex that is going to be relaxing and is going to Result a release of that some of that stress if I have any pent up. So you know the anticipation element roles in for me as well. What about the physical like? Where do you WanNa feel during sex in particular parts of my body or you just want someone? I’m GonNa Touch your penis and you’re left novel Cook Okay It’s true though Yup I did you want me to say something different Anyway moving on Um and tell me what physical components of sex are important to you. Will I mean I. I almost fuel ridiculous answering this because I feel like my answers are deep enough. I want the physical side. I WanNa feel good. I want that physical sensation of of release The pleasure element. I don’t know what other maybe I’m thinking too. Big Picture or just big sensations in stations. I don’t know what other physical feelings I really want to get out of a of a of of sex so I I want an orgasm. Okay if I needed to lead with that yes that’s also what I’m hoping for. No I always want an orgasm because you know I know some people love to have sex and it doesn’t matter it necessarily to them. If they have an orgasm I am greedy and always want my orgasm. I like to feel physically soclean overwhelmed. I like it to be so physically overwhelming that I’m not worried about like who hears us or where we are or what I have to do after or if I’m late or if I’ve just gotten ready am about to go out and you mess up my makeup what’s up. It’s like you ready to go and then I am. Let’s do this. Yeah I want to not care. I want to be so physically in the moment. Present is basically at and that. I’m not worried about anything else and I think that I let myself go like that’s a willingness to let yourself go and I think that you don’t let yourself go maybe as easily that you’re you’re always kind of thinking about like can anyone hear us Do we have to be careful. What’s it’s happening and I I physically and practically for me? I need all of that to be out of the equation. I would agree. I I’m very aware I am in hyper aware of what’s going on around me so in that sense I don’t ever completely let go. I would agree with your statements that your greedy that you want to have an orgasm. I’m happy to try and get you there. The don’t worry I got it. You don’t really need me The e you’re you’re spot on I am very aware of what’s going on around me so in that sense. I don’t know that I am completely present. Isn’t tonight have to dig a little depressed too. Why I care so much about other people hearing or other? I guess other distractions. That could come into play but are those things just not important to you like. I think I’m just wondering if we’re different ’cause like I like to get so indeed the experience and it’s not for long. It’s not like this. You Know Three Hour Long Sting Contra you know marathon. I just like a couple of minutes of not caring about anything else in the world. I think I like the idea of that but trying to get to that point for me is just very difficult. It’s maybe it comes from an upbringing comes from the idea that sex is something that no one else should here right like if I did a little bit deeper no one else should should know. It’s something private I just did. Air quotes there It’s private but you’re sharing it with everyone exactly on the podcast. But but all of these things might lead me down this path where you just never completely disconnect from the what’s going on around you just in case somebody he does come in or just in case I don’t know you know something arises where I mean really in the sense.
00:15:17 – 00:20:02
It stops you from being present with what you’re experiencing so for. You is being present that important or do not really care. ’cause you just just feels good either way. I would agree that it feels good. I don’t know I think I’d have to really try and work at being present where it it didn’t matter that’s what I think do you want to. Of course I want to take my mindful sex course I listen. I’ve I’ve watched in your courses. I’ve watched those exercises. I do make an effort. It’s once again. It’s being more proactive. In doing the things that I need to due to be in the moment into really just learned not to care and to relax and until let go yeah. That’s a practice. It’s not just something you are so now is it’s time to plug my mindful sex. Course you folks should check out happier couples DOT COM. But I I think it’s really for me. It’s really helpful even creating the course. I’m going through. The exercises does and we went through a few of them Brennan together. But we’ve you haven’t done the whole course and to begin with breathing and to begin with mindfulness and to begin with visualization nation. And then work your way up with different touch exercises for me Is was really life changing. Because I feel like we’re not as present it could be. I don’t know that I agree that we are not as present as we could be. I think I would take on a lot of that responsibility that my inability to be completely present impacts your ability to be to be in the moment now. I don’t put it on you. I honestly don’t think it’s no. I don’t think it’s you think it’s interesting that you say that Our Wing. I think you do blame yourself first. And you’re really good at taking responsibility sponsor ability which is good but it’s not I don’t think it’s you like my feelings are my own right where my mind goes is on me. It’s so easy to say like. Oh it’s my partner or if my partner is not present then I’m not present yet that can affect you but ultimately you’re responsible for yourself meaning. I’m responsible for myself. I don’t find your when you’re distracted. It doesn’t really make me distracted and if it does it’s because I let it I would agree with that. I just recall and I’m not trying to be the hero by saying. Oh it’s my fault. I I just know that there have been instances where my destruction has affected. You and I think because of that I attribute my inability to be completely absolutely president with a distraction for you with the other thing is when I’m distracted because like you know I have my days and I have my work stuff. And I have my stresses I noticed that you work really hard to bring me into the moment and I don’t think that I do the same for you so I think that’s something I could work on. I know that we’ve Kinda veered off on a different path here to question eleven but I do think that when I need you to put me in the moment or need your help getting in the mood. You’re really good at doing that. Not For me I and I do wonder if it has to do with gender roles and the notion that like a man is tasked with putting a woman in the mood in the hetero context whereas as as a woman maybe. I don’t feel as motivated to do that and I think I could be better at it. I don’t think like I know what I can do to relax you. I know that you’re definitely a very physical person. Then you like to be touched You like to be close to me. You seem to like the feel of my skin up against you I’m a little different. Where I’m more audio? I like to hear things like you to say certain things but I don’t think I work hard enough not hard enough but I think I put in more effort physically to put you. You don’t want to say in the mood. ’cause you’re in the mood but to put you in the moment I will take you up on whatever it is. It’s your offering happily but I also think that I- good at you’re right. I think I’m good at coming onto you and doing what you need to be in the moment but but I also know that there are certain things that you need to hear that I’m not good at and again not taking not trying to be the hero emotional sexually. I think I think there are certain things that I know. You like to hear that I am not. I am not good with the words. I joke around about not being very eloquent and not being very very smooth and Silky with what I’m trying to say And sometimes we’re about to have sex or for having sex. I almost feel ridiculous. Ridiculous saying the things that I think you need to hear. Or perhaps it’s because of what I think too need to hear whereas the physical side head of things whether it’s touching holding grabbing.
00:20:02 – 00:25:00
I feel like I feel confident doing what you need going back to me. I do think that there are certain things that you could do to help me get in the mood a bit more but I almost feel like I need to sit down and ask myself what what those are because even those change from month to month date day to day year to year. Like what I want now is different than what I wanted a year ago or even in two years ago I actually one of the components in the fifty video courses a seduction interview. And I know you and I have done that together but I don’t know that we’ve done it on. The podcast cast in seduction can be one of the most challenging components of sex in long term relationships. I actually have a book coming out about it. The ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay with Marlene Stewart. And MARLA talks about how your learning style affects your seduction styles l.. So if you’re a very audio person. She gives tips on how to seduce that type of partner. If you’re more visual person if you’re more of a kinesthetic learner her so You know we’re we’re actually in Florida right now and that’s where Marla is based although she jumps all over the world so maybe we’ll try and get her on the podcast to talk about the learning styles. Because I think it’s a really unique interesting and practical approach to seducing your partner because you know my my ideal seduction might light be totally different than Brandon’s and so I might do something to him like I might come onto him really aggressively embedded in over in grab heaven that might not be his thing and so we have off to learn one another’s seduction styles and learning styles. Just like we learn one another’s love languages when you said that. I thought I thought to myself. When did it till you want to be bent over grabbed like that? I don’t recall saying that. Maybe I did but no I’m saying I would want and so then I do that to you. I found myself saying things to you that I think I think you would want to hear. And then you’re like no that don’t work well and that’s the thing I mean you can listen to us talk and you. You can certainly gain insights from hearing other people’s stories but the only way you can really understand your partner is to talk to that partner because something Brennan says might resonate with view or resonate with your partner or somebody might say. Oh you know what everything Brennan says so much of what Brennan says really resonates with me. I think we have a similar seduction style. Or we have a similar core Roddick feeling. But that doesn’t mean that everything about Brennan Aligns with your partner so you have to really you know if you want to have the sex you have to talk about sex with the person with whom you have the sex now We have to move on to the next question and I know Brennan you and I could keep talking about this personally forever. One of the next question is interesting to me. What spiritual components of sex do you value? Can you start with that one Sharon so so. I think if you’d asked me this six months ago I would have said I don’t really see sex as a spiritual experience but then I went due to a conference called us now in Hamilton Ontario. A couple of months ago and this is a conference by and for women men of color and there was a session. Several sessions on spirituality that I think broadened my horizons so I was raised as a Catholic. I am not a Catholic. I I think a lot of the Catholic teaching some of them resonate with me Around doing good and many of them don’t and especially the way Catholicism has intersected with politics has put me at odds with not just Catholicism but with religion on the whole and so because in my teenage years I came to reject organized religion and have carried that with me into my adulthood I I think I’ve conflated spirituality and religiosity and at this conference and I’m not going to be able to do it justice but with the way. The speakers opened my eyes to spirituality being more broad than religion and more about a feeling you have of that is beyond just yourself now. It’s made me think that I should explore what spirituality means to me and I’ll be totally liane honest. I just don’t know what it means to me. I haven’t spent enough time on it. I went to this conference. I thought Oh man I need to think about this more. I made a couple of notes and my notebook. They’re actually in my purse right now and I haven’t delved any deeper you know. Of course you have all these to eat better exercise more get up earlier get more sleep. have one less trink Work on your spirituality and a few of those things haven’t been checked off the list so I think that when I think about spirituality and sex I feel like there’s something there that I having explored.
00:25:01 – 00:30:23
I’m a little bit lost. I don’t know where I stand and I think if you came back and asked me in six months I hope that I will have explored it just a little little bit more of course being an abstract concept. I don’t think I’m ever going to have the answers right and I think that’s what appeals to people about organized religion and I honor and I do respect thought what is that they give you more. Solid answers rightly you can take okay. Here’s the Vatican stance on this specific issue and you can consider it and and weigh it against your own values and say okay. This is how I feel about that When you’re not a member of organized religion when you know you’ve spent decades like I have rejecting organized organized religion I think things just become a little more confusing so that was a long winded answer. I’m sorry the bottom line is I don’t know what spiritual components of sex I value you but I wish I would like to take some more time to explore that. I’m really glad that you said that. You can fleet religion and spirituality together because I think I do the same and once again. You said it much more eloquently than I could have. I don’t know enough about my own spirituality to feel you’ll like it intersects with my sexuality right now so I’m going to have to shirk any responsibility for this question and and say let’s revisit it in six months okay. All right Yeah that’s an interesting one. Oh okay these ones a little more simple number eight. How often do you want to have of sex right now? I WANNA have sex three to four times a week. I wanted every other day but I’d have it every day if I didn’t didn’t have to do like any of the work I think if I could just be the pillow princess who lies on my stomach thing pillow princess well pillow princess means different. Things is two different people so like there are some people who would consider a pillow princess. Somebody for instance me. If I have sex with women they go down on me but I don’t bother going down on them and then and for other people pillow. Princess’s someone who lies there Goldman at twelve on say while is a starfish or just to star. Yeah so yeah I. It’s funny me. We’re kind of aligned. But I don’t think that we necessarily Follow through with that. I would agree with that statement and I also think that my desire to have sex. Let’s say three three to four times a week. Sometimes that’s going to be real quick like not. I think when when if you were to ask me what I think about you know sex when I think about the process. I think we default to this thirty to sixty minute ordeal. Where there’s foreplay every time and that’s don’t you you think people think what is that way sixty minutes? I’m just saying when people think about having sex what stop’s them from having the sex. That’s top boy boy. I know IT IS A. It’s a great show episodes of Brooklyn nine nine. But don’t you think that people use it as a reason to not have sex because it takes too along. Oh that’s a great point. Yeah I do think that we avoid sex because we think it always needs to be drawn out affair and listen everybody’s experiences different. Some people can get in the mood and get off in a minute or two other. People do require more time to get in the mood and so I think this is why we have to expand our definitions of sex right. So many people think about sex as a penis and a vagina Or Lips on a penis or lips on the Labia or lips on the CL. It and you know I said something earlier that I’m sure we’ll be at odds with how other people feel. I said that the for sex for me. I want to have an orgasm like I pretty much always have an orgasm i. It’s very rare that I don’t have an orgasm awesome but for other people they can really enjoy sex without having an orgasm so I want to be really clear that when I share my personal experience it is not a gold star standard. It is not how so it should be. It may not apply to you may not resonate with you. And that’s perfectly okay and you can have a far more satisfying sex life than me. Even if you’re not having sex the way yeah I do it. So that’s always my reticence to share my personal experience as a so called expert. I’m an expert in that I look at the data. I read the studies but that doesn’t mean gene that it all comes out in my sex life. It doesn’t mean that my sex life is better than your sex life. In fact oftentimes I think my work detracts from our sex life. And that’s something we could talk about about another time so I just I just want to kind of reiterate that You know if you can have sex really quickly. That’s fine if you avoid sex because because sex tastes a lot longer that’s okay too. Because frequency of sex is not the determining factor in sexual satisfaction. Now there is some data suggesting adjusting that more. Frequent sex is positively correlated with greater sexual and relational satisfaction. If you have more sex. You’re happier in your relationship but the data also suggests that the relationship between those two things sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction is what we call curve a linear meaning it maxes out and it maxes out at around once per week so you might find that more sex leads to you know happier relationship or greater sexual satisfaction.
00:30:23 – 00:35:01
Or you might find that it won’t it doesn’t so you have to figure out what works for you and have these conversations with yourself with your partners partners rather than worrying about what. We’re doing the reason we’re doing. This is because we find helpful for ourselves and because I think it can be interesting to hear what other people are thinking i. I wish I had ten other couples here or throttles having this conversation because I would learn from each and every one of them so if we move on from sexual frequency because we do need to wrap this up is a big question. How do you WanNa feel before during and after sex? Let’s start with before. How do you want to feel before sex in a perfect world? I’d WanNa feel completely relaxed and I’d WanNa feel overwhelmingly unle desired. How do you want to feel during sex? I would love to be completely. The engrossed in the physical sensations and not worried about what else is or could happen around me. I would like to feel. I think I mentioned it earlier. I like to feel overwhelmed And that helps to feel when I feel physically overwhelmed I feel more present. Join to just start adding like just making some comments during sexy to overwhelm you now. Okay and how do you want to feel after sex after sex. I want to feel I wanNA feel tired though I wanna be I wanNA feel a sense of relief as those stress has been lifted from my body and after sex. I Wanna I feel really loved. I WANNA feel a lot of loving affection like I WANNA be hugged. I WANNA be kissed. I want you to pay attention to me. I want you to tell me like in that validation. I just WanNa feel close to you but don’t you think that that also changes from because the way I feel right now it sounds. He’s like all I want is a stress relief but there are times where I feel completely different about what I want to feel before during after sex so I think it just depends is on how. I’m feeling yeah one thing. You didn’t bring up. That comes up in our sex life. Is You WanNa feel very desired. Oh yeah like everyone wants you everyone everything I haven’t. That’s certainly an element that I enjoy most definitely yeah. I think that’s something. We could talk about another time to that feeling of being desired and the fact that so many men and particularly straight man. That’s an experience that many people never get to live out because of because of gender stereotypes and because of the onus of sexual sexual initiation often falling on on men in the Hetero context and on one partner in same-sex context as well okay. I wish we could spend more time on that but we gotta move on. How do you anticipate sex changing over time? Who that’s a big question? I hope that that it continues to get better as we dive into greater understanding of what we want and need and enjoy. Can you be more specific. I think you hear people saying that as they get older their sex lives change and my default position and I making a blanket. Statement here is just as you get older Sex can become can become more difficult less frequent And you know you do hear stories about people who as they age really start to enjoy sex more but I hear a lot of people and I think I you know friends and people that are just a bit older than me who who also said that. It becomes less frequent because of the distractions of everyday life. And what I think that really boils down to. Is You know children changing. You know your body changes inches as you get older. I mean listen babe. You’re almost forty. I’m almost forty. You almost fifty always giving me an extra a decade on you But you know as you get older. Your body does change in things change in our new experiences that maybe aren’t always always positive that that that happened and I think that is those happened. You have to learn to accept them and change injure sex life accordingly.
00:35:02 – 00:40:05
Yeah I think oftentimes the changes we associate with aging so if you think about some of the physiological changes You know the things that make you less comfortable. So for instance when you hit paramedic pause and you have thinning of the vaginal walls and less lubrication and certain types of sex sleep penetration and Kim become uncomfortable or erection takes longer to come or even a Jackie takes longer to produce. I think that those Physiological changes are problematic. If you only see sex as one specific act the couples that I talked to who who are having hotter sex in their fifties in their sixties in their seventies and beyond realize that those so-called challenges is actually lead to exploration of other types of sex that are in fact more satisfying. Lately we talked about it all the time sticking something in the vagina is probably not not going to produce a mind blowing orgasm in and of itself but the rubbing and the grinding in the touching and the licking and the sucking in the vibe and the things that you know for example Queer folks folks are already doing those sex acts that are considered corollary as opposed to consider sex itself when it they are sects. Those are more likely to lead to orgasm anyway. So I’ll tell you I’m overall I’m really excited about aging You know I’m afraid of death but I’m excited sated about. I don’t know just getting older and loving life even more because I I am really lucky. I feel like every year gets better and even though you know there are different challenges we face with Lawson with grief and life obviously doesn’t last forever. I’m excited for life. And so I you know me I’m digressing of course and so because of her life. I’m excited for this relationship. I’m excited for sex and I’m excited to see how it changes I. I don’t know how it’s going to change inch I imagine just based on what other people have told me. We’re going to broaden our horizons even more and that that I don’t know it seems exciting to me I would. I agree with you. I think the listening to the stories and what people especially queer folk as you had mentioned who are already kind of exploring different ways. He’s to have sex and like me. I told you I could. You know you can keep your penis in the next room for all. I care but when you when you take the time to focus on different ways to get into the mood to get to kind of build up that anticipation. The sex is so much better better. I again I’m just thinking about those times where we’ve taken the time to build up and to play and to and to explore who use good. It was really good so yeah I’m excited about getting older too and everything that comes along with it. All right last question Let’s keep this brief. We’ve talked about a little bit already. What sexual challenges do you face? And how are you looking to address awesome. So as you’ve mentioned already talked about it for me it’s being It’s not being present as I could be in being focused on on. What else is happening? How could I work on that I can work on that. By focusing on being more present not caring what else is happening around me and probably taking your mindful sex course again learning how to focus. You didn’t do the whole thing though. No I didn’t do the whole thing. I did a few of the videos and like everything. I find that I spend time investing in to. I always get something great out of it even watching you speak having heard your speech is hundreds of times. I always feel like I’m reminded of something new that You know that that’s going to benefit me as funny because when I give a speech I’m always reminded of something the thing that I do. I’m like Hey y’all do this and I’m Michael who I need to work on that too. Yeah so what I phase right now is i. I feel that. I don’t prioritize sex as much as I could. I feel like I don’t prioritize myself and you as much as I could Because I work a lot and I do really love work because my work requires so much trouble because I travel a lot personally as well. I don’t like to be in the winter in Toronto and I’m lucky enough that I don’t have to be And the travel can be very tiring and I think also Super Social Riley Guy. I like like to be out. I like to be doing things. I don’t like to miss anything. I have a serious case of foam. Oh I don’t think that I make enough time to take the time. Mm for sex that we could take For example over this holiday break.
00:40:05 – 00:45:02
We were supposed to do this. Massage course together so Somebody sent me a massage. Course to try out is like an online touch course and we’re supposed to do it so I don’t know I think today’s as good a day as any to start. We didn’t start when we we were down in Jamaica and I honestly I I was sick and then my family came down. We had what two days alone together about that two and a half day and then the family came and and my cousin Annabella and I needed to play on the SUP boards and do head stands and dance and enjoy. What Years Twenty Twenty Uh Oh twenty twenty is just Bella. Bella is the year of Ebola Jr.. It’s Eh now yes I was playing with my family messing around too much and so yeah I think that the challenge is just prioritizing and people will say like how do you do that. Do you have any hacks and yeah there are things you can do. You can put a reminder in your phone you can look at your schedule at the beginning of the week and cut one thing for from it so that you can prioritize your own health or your own you know sanity or your own mental health. Author your own spirituality or your own sex life but ultimately you just have to decide that it’s a priority and so one thing I’ve learned one thing I learned in twenty nineteen Was To stop saying that. I don’t have time because the bottom line is I don’t make time ’cause I have the exact same amount of time as everyone else. In fact I I in some ways I probably have more because I have more privilege right so I’m not working. Even though I work a lot I work for myself and I have a comfortable life and so if I don’t have time for something it’s because I’m not making time for something and that’s something something that mid year I realized I’M GONNA stay. I would stop saying I don’t have time and so if I want more sex are better sack cer- slower sachs x which I think Brennan would enjoy I think I need to make the time I need to just decided it’s funny too because oftentimes we think that women men want sex to last forever and men just want it get it in and sometimes we fall into that opposite where I want it really quickly mostly because I want to go to bed. Yeah and sometimes I I would agree. I sometimes I I wanted to last longer but not always. That’s for sure. Sometimes it’s just we gotta get it in like just not that like I mean the time you get it in. Yeah we know that the house is empty for eight minutes. Yes we have a Very short window. Let’s capitalize he get it done exactly. Well I know that we rambled a little bit and talked about a range of topics that were veering. Just a little bit away from the sexual values questionnaire but I think that’s also the point of these question. Prompts is to remind people that God dan there is so much to talk about when it comes to sex and relationships. There’s so much talk about period and I think these questions or even even some of the other questioners that you have that we’ve used in the past have been so interesting because so much else spins off from any one question anytime we’ve taken the time to invest into Knowing more about our relationship or better sex delay play for anything I feel generally that some other super positive conversation has erupted where I’ve felt more connected to you. I felt more invested into this relationship. And certainly it’s also helped me It’s reminded me of how important this is. So then we get into an argument humint dispute something like that. It’s easy for me to reflect back on why this is so important and why I want to invest the time and effort for it to succeed and we do have of course coming out and it has fifty different components. And they’re different exercises questionnaires and conversations about everything. I’m from Miami to kids to passionate intimacy to seduction to relational values. So this was the sexual values conversation. The relational values went to me is even more interesting and and I would say more challenging. Because it’s it’s a bigger topic sex itself actually is rick can be relatively straightforward forward. It’s the relational components personal components the spiritual components all of those facets that that make it more nuanced and and more complex and of course I these are not one time conversation. So do you consider using them. Obviously these are not the perfect prompts for you if you want to change them a little bit if you WanNa reward them. That’s perfectly fine. If you interpret them differently than Brandon and I do. That’s totally cool. There is no one right way I don’t have the Gospel. I don’t have the answers I have you know. Perhaps some insights and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and researching but it doesn’t mean being that this is this is set in stone.
00:45:02 – 00:45:56
I I think if I were to revisit these in a year or two. I’ll probably watch them all. And Change and edit and so of course you can do that because because you know better what you need than I do I love going back and revisiting these questions because they do change interesting to hear a to see how they change and like anything when the conversation flows once again the the relationship stands to benefit. Well thanks for doing this babe thank you. Yeah and thanks for listening folks It is twenty twenty and I hope the years off to a good start if it is good for you keep it going. If it hasn’t been a good couple of days no stress. It can get better. We don’t have to be too sentimental about it so wherever you’re at I hope you have a great one and you’re listening to the sex with Dr Jazz podcast improve your sex life improve your life.
