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Sex with Dr. Jess


November 1, 2019

Sex & Disability – A Personal Journey

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How do we define disability inclusively? How does disability affect sex and relationships? And why should we consider incontinence a public health issue? Mari Ramsawakh joins Jess and Brandon to reflect upon their personal story — from being bullied as a child to navigating ableism and fetishism to having the most fulfilling sex life imaginable. Have a listen and learn from their insights!

In this episode, Jess & Brandon referenced Mari’s article, Incontinence is a Public Issue – And Why We Need to Talk About It. Read it here.

Follow Mari on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Sex & Disability  A Personal Journey

00:00:05 – 00:05:01

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome onto the sex with Dr Jasser. Podcast I’m your friendly neighborhood sexologist Jessica Riley here with my partner in life partner in crime partner in love. Mr Brandon wear always happy. It’d be here today. We are joined by Mari. Romsey walk you are a model a creator. A writer and your work focuses on social equity and inclusion. And I’ve been reading that you teach workshops about able ism and you recently wrote a piece on incontinence as a public health issue and this this is something not only that is ignored that we don’t talk about but it’s not represented in almost any of the media. We consume except as the butt of jokes. Can you explain why incontinence should be considered a public health issue and share your insights with incontinence It can be a symptom him for a lot of people it can be a complication of of Many different things for a lot of People who get pregnant after childbirth They can experiencing continents Because of the whole experience of childbirth But also for people who experience any kind of paralysis from the waist down really any other kind of issues incontinence can be something that occurs Because of another reason so for myself I’ve SPINA bifida partial paralysis from the waist down so I- experiencing continents Because of my nerves. Don’t all make it to everywhere where they need to be And as you mentioned it’s off we are often the butt of the joke. I remember being a workshop and the workshop facilitator. We’re talking was doing a thought exercise. Where you’re like imagining yourself on the bus? And then they made a joke about They’re being like the one. PC It on. I’m not see that nobody wants to sit in and as someone who experienced and continents and has experienced incontinence on public transit it was one of those moments that really took me out at the moment And made me feel really bad and I kind of felt really awful for the rest of the day and This was kind of before I ever really talked about incontinence publicly so I didn’t really know what to do or how to feel And that’s why I ended up writing that article. It was just like being an aunt in an anti impression workshop and coming away from it feeling like that was definitely something that didn’t feel great. And so when we think about incontinence I think a a lot of people think of as you said postpartum continents but people live with incontinence their entire lives and this affects relationships that affects whether or not you can work. It affects your social interactions How how have you coped with this? What’s coping strategies? Do you use them. What do you want people to understand about your experience with for me? It was a very like I have lived within incontinence my whole life And it was something that was very difficult for me to cope with When I was younger I wore those like a pull ups diapers Um Well into elementary school until I started to get mocked and bullied And that’s when I started to Stop wearing them and try to cope without them. Those first few years were really Almost traumatic for me because it was very difficult to manage those To manage the incontinence continents without the kind of safety net of of those diapers. But I really just didn’t want to be singled out anymore by my peers. I WanNa feel different and Also because of the incontinence I was also kind of relegated to the accessible bathroom at school which involved old getting a key From the office in order to go to the bathroom. And then you gotta take the key back and then so if you’re doing it on break or something that’s your whole recess gone right there And so I didn’t really have a chance to really actually spend time with my peers even at recess sir lunch or something because I was spending ten fifteen minutes. Just going to the bathroom coming back After that it just became the kind of concept of trial and error. But it’s still difficult. There are times when I’ve had to Leave work Because I had about incontinence I wasn’t expecting because of coffee or my period came or you know anything like there’s so many things that can affect your your bladder and your bowels and so no matter how much preparation you do no matter how much you prepare. There’s it’s not always controllable controllable and I think that’s the thing I want.

00:05:01 – 00:10:10

People to understand is that It’s not always something you can manage is not always something that you can really deal with and until we’re talking about it until where being open and honest about it Things like this. They’RE GONNA keep happening to people experiencing continents a because it is very difficult to be the person wearing diapers into adulthood Especially when you hear adult diapers either as like a Kink Joke Gore. You know As a way to kind of put down Disabled or elderly people You know you only really hear of adult diapers something to kind of dread needing later in life or something like that on or it’s like something kinky people do and does not. It doesn’t always have to deal with that x and those two things can sometimes become erroneously conflicted because I was reading your piece and you had a healthcare practitioner. Can you tell us that story story how they conflicted your lived reality with someone else’s sexual kink and fetish is you and your own your own health breath. Yeah so When I first started to become sexually active I was experiencing incontinence during sexual activities and it was very embarrassing? Even though at the time I had a very understanding partner And so when I went into one of my checkups I had one of those moments where they shoot my mom out of the room and they were like if you WanNa talk about anything You know you don’t want your mom to know about now’s the time inside like okay. Well I’m experiencing incontinence during sex and it’s really awkward and uncomfortable and you know. I wish there was something that we could do about it and basically said That other than just making sure I go to the bathroom. I there was nothing I could really do. And then she just kind of made the offhand remark like but you know there are people who are into that kind of thing and I was like That’s not really reassuring like in those moments. I don’t feel sexy and I don’t feel like it doesn’t get me hot. It doesn’t get me turned on in so to kind of tell someone while your options for sex to find someone who’s into that didn’t didn’t really comfort me at all. It didn’t provide any solutions and they didn’t offer any solutions and that was the hardest part was their only solution was to just to find someone who thinks my lived experiences hot and While there are times where that can be helpful Most of the time when that that kind of thing happens I just need someone to comfort me and take care of me not turn it into a sexual experience for themselves. Because that’s actually not really about you. Yeah and you you talk about disability you are a disabled model or a model with a disability. And do you find that this fetish is ation of disability. Is something that you’ve run into either personally or professionally professionally not so much just because I only do the modeling part time. It’s very difficult to find work Being four foot eleven and disabled As well as Chan so finding roles roles where I’m not kind of relegated to kind of identify myself as a woman Having all three of those things lineup can be very difficult but personally personally in terms of disability I found that Once I became more open about my disability I found even in like the a sex positive community and the queer community That more people were responding to me with this over enthusiasm while at the same time My dating prospects went down it. Was this really weird experience. Where suddenly everyone was interested in me when I would show up at parties hardee’s with McCain and things like that and they wanna ask me questions and and tell me a lot of things but at the end of the day they were all going home with other people and to you know when you’re going out to two parties you’re going for the social aspect or not going to educate people and you know sometimes at the end of the day I do just want to you know get get somebody’s phone number or you know go on a date or go home with somebody and I definitely found that as soon as my disability became more visible The actual dating prospects went down. But everybody’s interested in me right. You’re expected to be this resource that speaks for all people with disabilities and of course even when I think about the question to ask you. I don’t want to put you in that position. Having said that you’re also sharing information with people so I do want to ask about your work around disability because I’ve been reading through your twitter feed and you recently posted a brow about the broad nature of disability and what is included under disability disability.

00:10:10 – 00:15:00

So would you mind helping us to understand how you define disability in an inclusive way so I think disability is something that Um mm-hmm you kind of have to self identify with I think putting disability onto other people can be very problematic Especially because there are some identities that I don’t necessarily identify disability like the deaf community doesn’t necessarily consider themselves disabled They’re just deaf the whole or hard of hearing and yet they have their own language. They of Their own ways of communicating. And that also comes with their own culture mm-hmm and there are some kind of factions of the autistic community. Who Don’t like to identifies disabled because they just View their differences as just differences and not necessarily something that impairs limits them more. Broadly but not being said I feel like a lot of things. We label as disabilities also kind of experienced that You know wheelchair users find that it’s It’s not necessarily. We need the wheelchair that’s there that limits them. It’s society at large so there’s kind of a very broad aspect aspect to it but when I talk about disability talk about pretty much anything that can be under the umbrella which includes disabilities related to mental health So things like depression anxiety. PTSD or things like a letter. Niro divergence so autism. ADHD Which I also have the HD has was physical sensory and there’s just a whole broad spectrum and and As well as people with chronic illnesses they may not necessarily identify as having a disability but their experiences are very important in those conversations because a lot of those experiences do overlap. And I think it’s interesting that you talk about. The disability not always being what affects or creates impediments impediments that You know adversely affect relationships or sex or life in general but often. It’s the able ISM right. It’s a it’s a culture that doesn’t create accessible hassle spaces it’s a culture that maybe doesn’t know how to use language or is even afraid to speak. I know I find myself. Always wanting to be mindful of the language people use and language is always changing and so finding the balance between asking what you prefer in terms of language but also not assuming that what you prefer is what somebody somebody else prefers right. Not speaking of people who have disabilities as a monolith in terms of your dating experience how has able ism affected dating relationships and sex so for me able ISM is affected Sykes and relationships for me. in that I can’t always do what everybody else around me can do socially So I can’t do you know parties every weekend Go out clubbing or or anything like that. That a lot of People my own age often do when they’re going to meet people In often I think it kind of makes people think that I’m boring or something because you know when they’re asked me like what did you do and I’m like. I watched like eight hours of Netflix. Over the weekend like like I have so much to talk about boring just to interject. What do you watch Oh so much right now we me and my my partner have started Murdoch mysteries from the beginning So we’re only on season two but we’re having a blast but yeah like A lot of if people don’t find that to be kind of what people might be doing when they’re out having fun and things like that But dealing with chronic pain alive alive. I just often can’t go out especially living in a very inaccessible apartment. It’s the only apartment I could afford. But it’s a fourth floor walkup so yeah even coming here. I was like one flight of stairs. It’s fine like I do four times that on my way home so Yeah Sadler to just go out and come back to. My home can be a quite an ordeal for me So a lot of the time. I’m just not as active in social as people think I should be an a lot of the time I think people also take that to mean that I’m not interested in being a social official with them specifically Like even my mom will be like I only see you once a month and like you know like like we. We only ever talk on the phone.

00:15:00 – 00:20:34

I’m like I see you more often than I see. My friends like once a month is amazing for a lot of people who know me and I think a lot of people don’t realized that so when they don’t hear from me for a few months they’re like Oh you don’t want to hang out anymore. I’m like I would love to if I could. If it wasn’t going to cause me a lot of pain so you have to be really clear about what your relationships not just intimate relationships but friendships and all sorts of relationships will look like which to me is a lesson that we all Paul can take because regardless of whether you have a disability or you don’t have a disability are needs for socializing or so different definitely especially as someone woman who very introverted as well Big Group settings can often be very overwhelming for me But I also see it with people who work multiple jobs or you know have long commutes to or from work if they’re coming from outside the city or something like that You know there’s lots of reasons why people can’t just be as active as they WANNA be And it doesn’t mean that they’re boring or not interesting. It just means that they have a lot going on in their lives. It’s easy to feel like a bad friend though. Yeah I do struggle with that Just because of work because I’m out of town so often that I’m just not feeling very social when I get home right. I just want to sit on my blue couch and do nothing and so this comes back to I guess a reminder that I need to communicate to the people that I do care I do have interest in seeing you. It may be won’t be in the volume that it used to be or the volume that it is with your other friends right. We may not see each other as often. But that doesn’t mean I care less than so that do do you feel as though that’s a burden. Where the onus of communicating that falls on you or do you feel like it’s a blessing saying in that you are more clear about your desires and boundaries and leads to better relationships? I think it’s a bit of both being disabled. It has taught taught me that I do need to communicate more About my own needs into that firm boundaries into very firm with them In the people around me and letting getting them no like hey I would love to see but I just will be in so much pain if I go out tonight But on the other hand as you said it it does put a lot of the onus on me and a lot of people think that Because I don’t make plans very often that I’ll reach out to them when I have time when that’s not necessarily true. I don’t know when I’ll have the time. I don’t know what I’ll be feeling and so often making plans for me. Is You know I’m I’m very reluctant. I didn’t do it because I often have to cancel last minute or things like that and when you’re the ones making the plan it feels even worse So do you prefer last minute plans then the opportunity because you you know how you’re feeling right now you know if you’re going to be up for this do you. Do you find that’s helpful. Yeah usually like a days. Notice is really good because then I can kind of schedule out my day. to kind of make sure that there’s time around it but I also have a better idea of how I’m feeling being How how the rest of the week has gone so far? Sometimes I make plans at the start of the week and by the time That day rolls around. I’m like I did not realize that at five meetings. We’re GONNA pop up this week or this and that and it’s It’s definitely difficult making plans I don’t think that there is a perfect time time to do it I think I just want people understand that when cancer last minute has nothing to do with them and it doesn’t have anything to do with my reliability. It just has to do with how I’m feeling and but my body is doing. I think reading your article the it was in them them. Yeah I read your article last night and I felt so many things after reading it I was. I was angry at the kid. Who taunted you in the third grade? I felt I was much more aware of my privilege after having read it and I was more educated. Not being aware of how you have to go at your day. Hey how you go about your how you’ve lived your life. I I was legit upset. I won’t lie. I was tearing up and I don’t think that was the point of your article. I I think just to be like this is my lived experience but I felt like it helped me on so many levels even just being aware of what other people people are dealing with and now speaking with you understanding that how this impacts your friendships and your relationships and how you need to be very probably Lee selective with the people that you’re connecting with so that they understand when you cancel something last minute. It’s not because you don’t care about them. It’s because there’s something else going on so I don’t know that I had a question or anything other than I wish that everyone could read the article that you wrote because I found it so So so informative like it was just it was great you you can tell them clearly out a bit of a loss for words here but do you find that you are very selective with friends and relationships like at what point do do you disclose what your lived experiences.

00:20:34 – 00:25:04

Because it’s not something that’s Incontinence is not something that is visible people. Generally speaking I wouldn’t I would argue generally so at what point. Do you feel comfortable disclosing to someone. this fact act. It’s something that I’ve really struggled with disclosing especially having been bullied in my childhood as little as side you might be Slightly comforted to know that That particular bully was dealt with by my brother When he threw a bike? That’s wrong on kid to throw a bike. Say That’s a very makes me feel a little bit better because I thought you were GonNa say something G. Rated Disney whereas like everything came full circle and this and that but it’s like my brother just through like he was a big bully. AILSA bullied one of my brothers friends and After my brother found out What he said about me and How he was making me feel because it was a discussion that ended up coming up at dinner one night and when my brother found out he was what excuse me And then the next day The incident with the bike happen And then for and that particular bully disappeared from my school And he moved away and so I didn’t did he had fully ever again pot of gold. I think it’s interesting that your brother has an incident with a bike because Brandon’s brother also has an incident student with the bike which involved copious amounts of wine bicycle helmet and McDonald’s and a twenty four kilometer run and no bike to be found. And if you ever meet me in person at a bar I will tell you that story. It’s a good one but we’ll bring it back to tomorrow. Him Brandon was asking. If you’re more selective I also wonder her if the quality of your relationships. If you feel they’re they’re becoming richer the better you understand yourself and the more you dollars how different components of your identity need to be clearly conveyed to other people definitely. I definitely found that The more that I understand my own identities the more I accept my own identities yes Especially when it comes to disability. My friendships have grown stronger. I mean have as many friendships as I did before disclosed I but I’ve found that the friendships that I do have are incredibly fulfilling and loving and they just bring so much Hope and so much joy And getting a little teary But Yeah I’ve definitely found that the people that I’m connected to now have changed my life for the better. They’re all the all the people that I connect with. Now they understand me in terms of my gender the understand me in terms of my cultural background and they understand me in terms of my disability and having friends that you know when I have to cancel last minute. Tell me please take care of yourself. I want arrest up and you know what we can meet up any other time. You know shoot me a message if you need anything I’ve had friends offer to buy me dinner when I been to you When I’ve been struggling with finding work because of my disability I’ve had people you know send me money to help with bills like it’s just such an incredible community that I’ve bill and I’m just so incredibly grateful for them because it’s really changed and my mind and it has definitely changed the quality of my life in a way I didn’t forsee Definitely early before all of these. These changes started coming to light for other people I felt much much more unhappy. Happy And I didn’t realize it at the time how unhappy I really was Until now now I look back and I’m like how was. was I living like that for for all those years and I had this dark cloud that was hanging over my head and I was constantly you know afraid of telling people about got my disability For a really long time it was invisible and so I think you you asked earlier. Like how do I decide when and to disclose and The answer was for a very long time.

00:25:04 – 00:30:15

I just didn’t I had a best I’d known for three years at one point who did not know about my disability at all and we talked about everything else and I know it seems strange like how do you avoid that but it was something I learned how to do from a very young young age to protect yourself. I’m sure yeah and it was also because my Extended family wasn’t as accepting they didn’t say anything or do anything specifically but it was definitely something we never really talked about and they never got involved with. It was something that was you know my I parent style with it and that was it. They didn’t really ask questions. They didn’t try to help out Things like when I was a baby maybe I had to be categorized and That was something that my my mother knew how to do and I had a nurse do it but the rest of my family. We didn’t really want to know how to do it. So when the rest of my cousins were having sleepovers and getting to know the rest of their family. I would always have to go home at the end of the night because I would either have to have my parents Catherine me or a nurse and that was something my family didn’t want to to be involved in Talk about and so I was taught from a very young age. You don’t talk about it. It’s something you hide and if you can try to act as normal as possible. That’s the way you did that. Create feelings of shame definitely around disability. And can you tell me how. How do you begin to overcome that type of shame? It’s process and it’s one that I’m still going through Actually speaking so openly about it is part of my kind of coping. It’s how I’ve been kind of coming to terms with some aspects of myself and Putting out there and having people respond to it has been kind of the biggest factor for me In in kind of relinquishing. That shame I no longer feel like these are things I have to keep hidden. Because they’ve been so many people who reached out to me after her They incontinence article and some other other posts. I’ve I’ve written Where people from the disabled community have reached out to me and been like? Thank you talking about this. I thought I was alone. it makes me feel so much better to know that there are other young people who are facing these things as well And that really helped me because has It made me feel like I was doing something important and no matter how I feel about my identities. They’ve contributed something important written to the world. I like the way you’re talking about the joy you derive from relationships and I think that one of the challenges for folks without disabilities Because of a lack lack of exposure because able ism is our norm in our culture and so dominant there. Is this drive or tendency to to move toward people who have disabilities with with either pity with fear with celebration like I think of these. These campaigns is that portray anybody who lives with a disability as a hero and for most folks with disabilities. That’s not how you want to be approached with. You don’t need people to feel sorry for you and you don’t need someone to champion you. I think about those ads of I think it was a six kids campaign versus right where there and there’s a language around that got the inspiration point. Yes yeah you’re talking what inspiration porn So inspiration porn. Is this kind of portrayal of disabled people as people overcome their disability and If they just pull up their bootstraps hard enough they. Can you know Do everything like a normal person And a lot of the Times. The purpose of these stories is to say to able bodied people. Were they can do it so can you. You just have to work hard enough. That’s not always true. there are definitely a lot of disabilities You know there are a lot of disabled people who will say yeah. There are things that I definitely cannot not do no matter how hard I try And for a lot of them they just don’t see the point in trying that hard to do something just because that’s that’s what you know quote unquote normal people do It’s definitely been a problem. I mean I know that especially. We’ll share users. They get a lot of. Oh you’re so brave or you’re so inspirational just for being on the street you know. Just getting from point A. TO POINT B. and for them They’re just getting to work or going to visit family or whatever it is that they’re doing they’re just going about their day. They’re not seeing themselves as inspirational or doing something brave. It’s just doing what they have to do. So just doing something differently. It doesn’t have to be better or worse it’s just different sort But I WANNA go back to your the the campaign you’re not saying anything disparaging about that versus campaign like it’s great to bring awareness An I’ve also but I do think some folks disability were critical of that campaign.

00:30:15 – 00:35:10

And if we’re not censoring the voices of people with disability. But we’re using their images to raise money honey. I think there’s something to be said so so. Many people who are disabled were critical of that campaign is that for sure I definitely saw a huge response bonds and a huge backlash to that campaign when it came out from the disabled community specifically And as the kids patient or former kids patient It was kind of weird for me to I think a lot of times. We think this Superhero Angle Is Helpful for are disabled. Kids and things like that Because there’s a lot of talk about representation and you know we don’t have a lot of disabled superheroes or if we do I’m very normative in other ways. You know if you think of daredevil he still a white cisgender heterosexual man What’s his disability from someone who doesn’t know anything talking about Comex he’s blind? Yeah Okay but but I think I’m confused then because maybe I thought the sick kid campaign was about so i. I’m wrong totally that it was trying to raise funds for young children with cancers. It wasn’t so I’m thinking of a completely different the campaign. What is for They’re raising money to build like a new sick kids hospital But they’re using the images of of these children as kind of superheroes Battling their condition and Mess kind of the the images and the the narrative they’ve presented for these these ads Like when I think the most recent one has All the kids kind of like running into this big open law starting to lay down bricks and things like that And it’s just like a very weird image that one. I always found kind of weird because it’s like like we are literally building the hospital And I was like I don’t know better than some builders. Yeah yeah that’s exactly what that’s all about. Well I think When we think about nothing about us without us if you’re going to use the images images of any person in a campaign I think it’s important that the voices are also hurt right. So it’s and we see this. For instance around race the trope of a strong black woman for example and the pressure that puts on black women to not be vulnerable to not speak emotionally or on men right men always having to be tough always having to be strong always having to be sexual the pressure that that puts puts on so I think you know in some ways inspiration porn is aligned with these really limited scopes or notions of what a person can be based on one one singular element of their identity. And that doesn’t mean that there’s not gonna be a person with a disability who who appreciates that campaign and who likes to feel that that would be represented that way but again no one person can speak with for an entire group and part of why I really appreciate To Go back to your conversations about your friendships friendships and the relationships you have in the joy they bring is that quality of life is important regardless of whether you have a disability or don’t have a disability and there is this again. There’s a belief that you’re lucky to have made it or you’re just you’re you’re struggling to survive but relationships and sex can be important to folks with them without disabilities. So can you tell us a little bit. About how sex plays into your life and How managing sex or how you approach coach sex differently with your disability so for me Sex says something. My sex drive is something that I kinda goes up and down depending on how my body’s feeling like recently I’ve been experiencing A lot of pain and fatigue. Because I just started working full-time I’ve been kind of pushing myself a little bit in trying to work as much in the office as possible because it’s a huge learning opportunity for me But by the time the weekend rolls around or by the time I get home at the end the day In you know I’m not necessarily feeling sexy I’m just feeling tired and exhausted. I just WanNa sleep there definitely been times when and Like it hasn’t gone rid of my sex drive you know I’ve had my disability my whole life and I’ve had a very fulfilling sex life In that time You know there was a point in my life where I felt like all I was doing less having sex days and and And Yeah and I feel like it’s it’s not actually that different than when people just stop having as much sex just as like age you know priorities change range.

00:35:10 – 00:40:00

As circumstances change you know issue loose levels change exactly But they’re definitely been times where I’ve used my disability to my advantage Sort of like getting massages from my partner and Having more kind of touchy feely moments like that aren’t necessarily about penetration or the kind of conventional sex But I can still get a lot of pleasure out of And that can often lead to other types of sex Because at that point I’m more relaxed. I can enjoy things more KAZ. If you know. My pain has been massaged. I can actually get in the moment and enjoy the sensations I’m experiencing I remember that we had interviewed a gentleman corny brain and he and his instagram handles. H on my chest and podcast is called something positive. A positive people were people because it was such an interesting podcast because he highlighted that his relationships After disclosing like you commented were much more relationships that he maintained were so much more fulfilling and I think it goes back to tie that into the sex component. It’s this idea that when I think of sex or at least when I used to think about sex it was penetrative sex when there is so much more about what can be enjoyed if you if that’s not your only focus and if it does result in the ad if that’s your goal penetrative sex sex that even that initial build up can make it so much better if you get to that point. But you don’t have to. It’s again reframing. The idea of what sex is and it doesn’t have to just be one thing for sure. So you talked a little a little bit about your sex drive whether it’s up or down. What what about communicating with partners or new partner around sex? How do you approach that Now that I am more open and honest honest I just tell people straight out like I may not be up for sex. All the time Nothing to do with you. I may be in pain or I may just be tired and it kind goes into the same things with just having the time and energy You know I’m not seeing people in person often There’s not often as much the pressure to have sex. Because you’re you’re not in person you’re you’re not having to kind of follow the same social scripts And so sometimes that can lead to Like sexting or phone sex or you know things like that Our other times. It just means that I experienced a different kind of relationship with people I definitely found that before I disclosed my disability ability and before I kind of put my my body’s needs first before my sexual needs I felt a lot of pressure to have sex. It’s kind of right from the start and I found that A lot of my relationships with people were very sex-based You know I was hooking up with people pool and you know once the making out stopped are kind of relationship stopped But now now my relationships are all kind of based on That initial connection actually communicating and talking. And what we can bring to the relationship aside from sex and so the sex just gets to be this awesome bonus. I have with people bull with some people in you know I don’t have with other people and It stopped taking priority. But that doesn’t mean that I stop enjoying it right so what people get wrong about sex and disability. What do you want people to know Disability will affect everybody’s sex life differently depending on what your disability is For some people The sensation of touch can just be too much if they experienced sensory overload or You know They they may not be able to do certain positions or things like that. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t WanNa have sex or they can’t have sex Or that there isn’t work arounds to everything there’s a lot of misinformation around wheelchair users especially paralyzed wheelchair users users Having sex and people think like oh you know like men with penises or people with penises. Can’t get erections or can’t have sex if they’re paralyzed and that’s not true for everybody might be true for some people but not true for everybody. I know lots of wheelchair users who have great awesome sex and you you know it.

00:40:00 – 00:40:37

They never really once they found partners. who were willing to accommodate them and work with them and figure out what works best for the both of them you you know? I’ve never heard complaints about their sex life so I think that’s that’s all that I really want people to know is that everybody’s different Regardless of whether you have a disability ability or not and you just gotTa work with what you have and you got to accommodate each other and you know insects. It should be about everyone’s anyone’s pleasure in so you should be figuring out how both of you can get the most pleasure you can out of it. Excellent thank