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Sex with Dr. Jess


November 15, 2019

How the “Passion Interview” Can Improve Your Relationship

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The Passion Interview is a tool used for couples to spark passion, improve understanding, and deepen intimacy. It’s designed to shift the conversation away from the mundane to the exploratory. Jess uses this exercise with couples in-session and in the 50 video online Master Class. In this week’s episode Jess and Brandon work through the questions together and discuss a range of topics: childhood memories, racial justice, privilege, the Obamas, retirement, routine, travel, regrets, physical affection and expressions of love.

You can download the passion interview here.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How the Passion Interview Can Improve Your Relationship

00:00:05 – 00:05:02

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Just podcast. I’m your co host Brandon. Wear here with my lovely other. Half Dr Jess Hey. Hey folks. Today we are going to be sharing a tool with you and Brennan thinks the word tool is very funny and this is a tool that I use news with couples to guide a conversation. That’s intended to enhance understanding and deepen intimacy and boost passion and this is called the passion interview. Now you’ve probably heard me talk about the fact that the death of passion in relationships occurs when your conversations become reduced to the mundane so specifically I talk about the three passion perils when it comes to communication your kids your work and your schedules now of course yes you have to talk about your kids and your family and you do have to talk about your work and your schedules. And there are people who derive a great deal of fulfillment and excitement from these three areas of our lives. But if all we talk about is kids and family work and what you’re GonNa do tomorrow it can lead to too much predictability too much practicality Too Little Room for exploring and dreaming together either so I really want to underline that. I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk about these three things. They will be a big part of your conversation. But you don’t want your conversation to be reduced exclusively to these topics alone and when you think about when you first meet. Part of the initial attraction is related to who all of the sharing and learning. You’re doing together when you learn something new or surprising about someone. They become more alluring. And so it follows that you wanNA keep these revelations coming you want to create opportunities to to surprise your partner with something they don’t know whipple you even if you’ve been together five ten fifteen twenty plus years because there is always something new to learn and this this passion interview is meant to shift the conversation away from them in Dane but also to get you talking about things that are just more exciting and so this is an exercise. I use in session at some of my couple’s retreats I I’ll talk about the science of passion and what the research research says and how interesting conversations are actually essential to attraction and desire and then I have the couples go off on their own for thirty to forty five minutes and they complete this activity and this is also part of our fifty video core so this masterclass for couples so so you can take that online as well but this is an excerpt from that course and what I do. Is I ask you to answer each question. So that you both answer each question and and you take turns with WHO goes first for each one and so today. My plan is for Brandon. I I to actually go through this interview and I’m going to give us about thirty minutes. So we may or may not get through the whole thing we might have to do a slightly abridged version and and we actually haven’t done this. Version of the passion interviewed together before. I don’t think at least uh so. I’m excited to hear Brandon. I’m excited to hear your thoughts and your answers and learn a bit more and you can follow along and try this with your partner. But we’re also going to put the passion Shen interview on our website for download so you can get those questions as well. So shall we dive right in. Let’s do it okay. Yeah so so I’LL GO I. Actually I have the interview questions in front of me and you don’t so I’ll read them but we can still take turns a little nervous go head. Should I go in order. Do you want me to skip around. Mix it up. Okay what is your fondest memory. ooh Aw being put on the spot I can think of a number there’s one that resonates the most with me. I think I’ve mentioned it before. One one of the very first trips that we took overseas we were in Italy. We were sitting in this Bianca. Nothing fancy with the exception of it was probably a thousand years.

00:05:02 – 00:10:04

Old Sun was shining. It was setting. We were having a drink overlooking the fountain watching people and I felt very serene and very calm and reflecting on that. I think it was because I wasn’t as connected as I am today with. You know like like everything on my phone so it was just very relaxing and I remember feeling very at peace and that was something that has always really resonated with me. There are others that I could share but that was the first one that came to mind. Are you talking about when we were in trustee very Rome or Rebelo and I probably mispronounced that. Sorry I’m thinking was in Denver. I remember that yeah. We were drinking Well drivers I think I was having a screwdriver. And you were having an orange juice screwdriver. I remember that that’s one. I mean I a few others that pop into my head as well. They do just so many great experiences experiences. I mean even the day that we got married that that evening when we were All of our friends arrived again. The Sun was setting. We were in the water. Just hanging out on the Jamaica Jamaica and it was just again very calm very chill that matter where the water. It wasn’t moving still so we were in Negril. Which is the westernmost point of Jamaica and we are in an area called Bloody Bay and the water was so still? We get obviously gorgeous sunsets because it’s the western tip of the island and yeah all of our friends had just arrived and we were throwing a Frisbee but an Arab in the water. And you see you could see a sparkle in your nail Polish. That’s how clear the water was in my nail Polish. You don’t wear no politics but you could. Yeah I remember the serenity of the moment clearly. That’s the commonality between between these points is the serenity. So what about you so my fondest memory. The first thing that came to mind was actually that night at the beach at sunset Our wedding day isn’t my fondest memory not because it’s not meaningful not because it wasn’t super fun but I don’t remember it that well it felt to move it felt as though it moved very quickly. we’re lucky because we didn’t have a huge wedding. We only had about one hundred people. I didn’t have to go around and talk to everyone. I didn’t wait to eat. Lost eight I so it was a fun night but it’s not up there and I’m trying to think what would come after that day at the beach at there was the day in Ravelo which is on the Amalfi Coast where we rented a scooter to drive the Amalfi coast. Well we were young and not so smart about it and you know if you know the Amalfi coast. The the roads are winding and drivers are the best the craziest drivers and their trucks everywhere. And we’re on this little tiny scooter. The two of us with these little buckets on our head that are barely you know barely actual actual helmets and we wrote up to this town called Ravelo and it was very quiet. I think it was a place maybe where they host classical music and we were just sitting there having in a drink and I remember the sea looks so calm and actually. Do you know what I remember about. That trip was that my phone didn’t work so as many years ago and I I. I can’t remember if I think it was rogers. I was with and I was so mad because my phone wasn’t working. But in retrospect it was an absolute blessing so it was a fun memory for me again disconnected connected. So what does that tell us really. So it’s interesting so this interview is giving you a chance to to reflect It’s possible that your fundus moment won’t be something you shared together and that’s okay too but then there’s also the piece around okay. What are the lessons important messages here? Just learning them now at break your phone all right. Let’s move. On whom do you admire. Most and why and I’m supposed to go first this time so I am very shortsighted as you know. I tend to not remember things too far in the past unless they really stand out to me and I can get really stuck in what I’m consuming right now and I think it’s because I I have to read a lot. I’m always consuming data. I’m always reading new studies. I’m always coming up with kind of new content and so whatever I’ve been working on for the last week is what kind of gets stuck in my head and so given that the one person I really admire. Is Kenny Ortho. You’re GONNA say Kenny. I did actually so Kenny. I don’t know what he goes by As his formal last name Brown Kenny Brian. Of course sorry. ’cause no you’re right. It’s Kenny. Brian and Kenny is a friend. An old friend not a close friend from our nightclub days when we were bartending.

00:10:04 – 00:15:01

And he was a promoter and we weren’t really friends at the time but we’ve become friends on facebook because we we share a lot of the same political values and I probably GonNa cry because I’m having a super emotional tae so right now. There is a lot going on online in Canada with the firing of Don Cherry who is a hockey commentator. WHO has a history of making sexist racist assists homophobic misogyny misogynist at remarks and he’s finally been been let go or step down? I don’t know what’s what’s really happening brandin posted on facebook You know his views on Don Cherry’s racism and so of course a number of people have chimed in insisting that he’s he’s not racist and that it’s white people are suffering and so I’ll be really clear where I stand right now so I’m a woman of Color Brennan can speak for himself but I see him resin ally. I have zero tolerance and call out racism and I know there are people who might stop listening because of that and I’m also okay with that. I think it’s really important to examine our own privilege. And I know that I live with a lot of it So I’ll just put that out there now but Kenny is one of those people that is always standing up and fighting the good fight and one thing I really admire about. Kenny is that he’ll engage with people and I really admire that he lets his anger show. And he’s he’s a black man and I think there’s a lot of tone policing of everyone but specifically of black people where you have to communicate your needs that are anti oppression in software in a gentle way in a polite way and the reality is you don’t always have to be polite and I read somewhere and I don’t know who wrote this but you can be kind and not always be nice and you don’t always have to be nice and protect other people’s feelings anyhow brandon. Put this post on facebook. This whole kind of storm from of nonsense erupted Kenney stepped in and did a bunch of emotional labor and educating that he didn’t have to do. Because if you want to learn about privilege you can go look up on your own right. You don’t need somebody if you’re talking about racial privilege white privilege for example. You don’t need a black person to explain it to you there. Many resources online in fact Brennan shared one the route which is very accessible very mainstream. It’s not like hidden on the one hundred fortieth page of Google but Kenny’s one of those people that always always stands up. Always engages does work that he’s not required to do and so yeah. I’m thankful to have Kenny in my life in this small way. And he’s someone I admire fire right now and I gotTa stop talking because I’m feeling pretty emotional about Not Not specifically about Kenny. Although I really appreciate and admire him but just about this whole storm. I’m on facebook and seeing You know the arguments obviously have taken left and right turns and people are conflicting one issue with another and and making false equivalency false comparisons and it can be very difficult obviously to engage with that and I’m disengaged I’m I’ve stepped out of the conversation I don’t I don’t want to say I don’t care but I just can’t take take anymore so that was a very long winded answer Kenny. Brian is somebody that you admire. So whom do you admire most Ny. While I feel like I need more than a few minutes to think about this because for me. There’s so many levels to this question it’s like do I know enough. The boat you to really admire you So right off the top of my head yet. Listen I appreciate Kenny. Brian’s willingness to to share his experience his knowledge everything that he shared. So I do I do respect. It admire him. The the first person that came to mind and I know I’m going to sound super cheesy but as you and and I’m not just saying I think because I know you so well but ah but okay so I I can say you know somebody else that I admire. I really admire. I really admire you. Want me to keep focusing on you like no no please continue. I do think that you’ve really pushed me to consider other people’s position other people’s slid experienced. You’ve challenged me when I’ve needed to be challenged and I I really i. I appreciate that because it’s really hard it that fragility elements is there man. And I’ve really had to check myself and reading Kenny’s comments at first I was like. Oh wow that’s deep that cuts and then you know when I let it simmer for an hour or two. I agreed with what he everything had to say on this. Feed on this thread that we we had so anyway. I appreciate you for you know for challenging. I think anybody that challenges you in a positive way somebody that while anybody the challenges me is somebody that I admire.

00:15:01 – 00:20:18

You know somebody else admire I admire. I Admire Luigi your Stepdad. I admire him. I mean there’s so many people admire your mom I admire you know but but Luigi somebody else that comes to mind. I mean the guy just gives and gives and gives he doesn’t he never smacktalk anybody He you you know. He’s just an eternal he’s a giver admire. Luigi was that because he knows he doesn’t talk a lot and I talked too much. Oh my gosh I feel the same way I that quiet quiet that that wisdom that comes from somebody who doesn’t speak when they don’t me too because they know what they need to say and when to say it so those those are few people that I I’d say that I admire it’s off top of my head. They’re really people in our lives. I admire my friend and my neighbor shelley because because I feel like she has such a good outlook on life. She’s not one of those people who runs around at one hundred percent like super positive. That’s not what I mean. She just has a has an overwhelmingly positive outlook on life. And it’s real. I think that she’s really figured out how to just be herself. And that’s why everyone unlikes her and I guess when we run through this list Brennan you also came to mind for me and I’m not just saying that because no I think it takes a really strong person to look at their own facility to acknowledge their own privilege to and to be an ally and speak out in a time. When you know you’re GonNa get backlash you know? These are people you went to junior school with arguing with you. Getting mad at you Speaking Pretty disparagingly about you actually even if it’s rhetorically you know oh I think that’s a brave thing so were what I what I’m saying is I think we’re really lucky in our lives to have so many people not just who we care about and not just who we have a great time with but who we deeply admire and that’s a this is a good reminder for us. Yeah I’m I’m just emotional so I’m crying uh-huh why don’t you just give you the next question let me ramble on thank you oh this is interesting. What did you daydream about as a child? And what do you daydream about. Now I feel like I can’t remember anything from before I was about ten years old. I don’t know nothing nothing. Nothing traumatic that I can remember happen. I just have a hard time really. It’s probably not. It’s probably about like seven or eight so I can’t think or recall hall what I daydream devote as child. I didn’t think about what I wanted to be. I think I was probably more present as a child than I am. Today I was interested interested in having fun and going to school playing with friends doing that. SORTA stuff as I became a teenager. I’m sure things shifted but but again maybe having sex one day it was like that’s what I did. You vote until it happened and then I still did during the better for a little bit. And now I tend to daydream a lot about the ability to I mean lately because of what’s been happening ability to speak my mind all the time and and speaking my mind all the time I associate with having the financial means to not not jeopardize my lifestyle so it’s this conflicting position that I’m in where I have to once again check my privilege and also be willing to sacrifice some of what I have to tell other people what I really think and to give you a bit of context when you posted misted your position on facebook you had clients message you and you lost clients and you didn’t seem phased by that. No I wasn’t phased by IT I. It’s unfortunate fortunate but if we don’t have similar principles than perhaps working together is not a right fit anyways. Well it’s interesting because some people will say Ooh you know you have to work with people who are different than yourself. And that’s entirely true and sometimes we have to agree to disagree but when the disagreement threatens the livelihood safety bodies of people mostly people who are forced to the margins. I don’t know that I can just agree. Agree to disagree like. I’m not suggesting that I can convince you of anything but I can choose whether I really want to spend my time and energy on you From Financial Perspective one thing I think about is I can choose where to spend money and where to support and redundant over the last ten years and you mentioned Just to kind of bring it Back Act Together for folks in case they’re not meeting case. The connection wasn’t clear. You WanNA speak your mind and you need the financial freedom to do so on what you mean by that is you can speak your mind and still lose clients and still be okay. Yep Yeah and to some degree that sort of chew. It’s not like you know we’re not swimming in a river a money where we’re retired or anything but you can’t afford to cut ties if it’s affecting your either your mental health or you don’t want to have those conversations and it’s it’s interesting ’cause because you’re white you hear people say casually racist things all the time and because I’m passing I actually hear about half while I’m sometimes passing.

00:20:19 – 00:25:01

I hear to a lot of people. Assume that because I’m white that I share their beliefs and their their their opinions when I don’t and again it’s being you know may be having that awkward conversation where you tell somebody you don’t agree with them and it’s is also just realizing that you need to have it is really eye-opening right well. You’re you’re in real estate so you wouldn’t think race would come up all the time. But there’s a lot of CO defied language in real estate around neighborhoods and school districts that are very often tied not in every case but often tied to race in in common living in Toronto again to provide a little more. Context is a little bit different than I would say a lot of cities in the United States so for example where we live there are folks who own their homes right here and literally across the street we have folks who are living in coop rent geared to income housing and the kids go to school together. So let me not paint this as a utopia. They’re certainly only more. They’re still stratification economically and racially there are still neighborhoods. That people desire more than ours for example but we love our neighborhood and we love the people on and I think all of the parents in the neighborhood see great value in their kids going to school with children from different backgrounds whether that be culturally ethnically nation of origin religiously religiously and financially but people will say not just co defied things to you but straight up Asians in that building. WHO’s there’s there are blatant comments? That have been made over the years and I can. I can remember them. It’s awkward so I we’re getting off topic because I guess it’s what’s been on our mind. They go back to the fashion questions. What do you dream about now? You said you dream about being able to speak your mind so for me. What did I treat daydream about as a child? Oh Man. I daydream about going to Canada’s wonderland which is like A. It’s a theme park like six flags. They got some epic rollercoasters. There so I get it. Yeah is really fun and I think I just daydream about fund. which again speaks to the fact that I guess I had a pretty good childhood? I do remember that as a kid. I was very afraid of being in trouble and so I would daydream about not being in trouble and like for example. My parents not being mad at me for something small but I wanna be clear. I’m not putting that on my parents France. It was actually something in me where I’m I’m sensitive to criticism or what I perceive as criticism and I’ve had to work on that my whole life if this idea that you need to be perfect and I wouldn’t put that on my parents. It’s obviously a confluence of factors that led me there and I’m still stuck there in some cases chases so every daydream about everything being okay And now I- i- daydream about a lot of different things. Oh I WANNA go back to. When I was a child I would daydream about being a pro sports star? Like I remember even when I wanted to play hockey. I thought about being the first girl all to play pro did you. You’re playing pro ultimate Frisbee. Shut up definitely not and I’m sure there are people who would argue there such a thing but let’s get into that I yeah I would dream about being some sort of a sports star and now I do dream sometimes about business accomplishments Daydream about just being alone on this cove of a beach. Where or no one is around and just being naked with you? Like no one’s around. Do you have your phone. No I mean I might but I never think about my phone. Yeah I think about Oh just being someplace in slowing down and being disconnected and I think that you and I have been talking for years about taking some time mm out because we go hard and we go hard about three hundred and sixty days a year and I know that we travel a lot and I know that we also have a lot of fun. And our downtime isn’t necessarily physically emotionally and practically What’s the word? I don’t WanNa say relaxing because it is in a way but we’re still doing a lot of things you just. It’s very active. Yes so I have trouble sitting still so you know even even if I were to have a beach day I’ll be out on the board paddling or I’ll be swimming across the bay or something like you absolutely have to have like something to do Anna Anna.

00:25:01 – 00:30:22

Your cousin has to be there that you can do acrobatics on the paddle board or something like a child to follow me around and keep up with me. So yeah those Sir My daydreams. So what’s the next question am I I. I think I’m I ooh If you could change change one thing about your teenage years what would it be. Probably my frosted hair tip now. That’s what I would shake guy that it was awesome for me. I would have had a better attitude toward school and in fact I think for that to have worked because I really didn’t fit in and my school was not not a good fit for me. I would have changed schools. I would have been at a school. That was a little bit more diverse. That was a little bit more aligned with my background and my values and I would have put put more effort. I think into friendships because I just kind of had a had a boyfriend and that was it and didn’t really spend time with friends and fellow not out fellow but apart from friends because I was always just with a guy. So that’s what I would do differently. What would change about my teenage years? I mean once again I think back and I was busy. I played a lot of sports. I was involved. School was the biggest part I worked so I can’t really we think how I would change my behavior or things like that but I think that how I was wasn’t teenagers is how I needed to be to get to where I am today. I think that the perspective that I was given like work experience life experience. Help shape who I am so I don’t know I know that I could say I wish I change this or that. Well that’s interesting because you remind me that I also wish had played more sports because I played every sport word up until around fourteen or fifteen. I played basketball. I played soccer man. I did shotput. I did track and field cross country I played every report there was available to me and then I kind of let it fall off in high school so I wish I had kept that up because I went back to sports and I have you know some natural inclination toward but what I don’t have is the confidence that I had when I was younger in sports really helped to instill a lot of confidence in me. In fact I think even today some of the confidence that I have comes from sport I do think that I wish I would have read more. I wish I read more books because I think that that book not a magazine. No I didn’t read very much other than what I was forced to read in school and I think I think that that did impact how much I read now and although I do enjoy it I think that I would have had more of a of a kind of ingrained habit to read. ’cause I think is very important to read. I think it’s important to note too that this is a question that suggests there’s some sort of regret or at least some sort critical reflection and I think it’s a good reminder that we can also change those things today right like I go play more sports today. You can read more or get more magazines. ’cause you get more magazines with picture. Oh baby all right next one. When do you feel most loved? I feel most loved when I’m relaxed when I’m surrounded by people who share the same ideas and values is me. I know that this is very vague When I’m certainly when I’m when I’m with you and I’m relaxed? That’s when I feel most most content most fulfilled and another. Those are different but for me. That’s what I think about when I feel you kind of just most at ease and cared for. Can I ask a follow up question. That isn’t on the list. Because it’s my podcast. Shoot what can I do to make you feel left who. I don’t know that there is anything that I would ask you to you. Do more of or to do differently already do so that I understand because I probably do a Lotta things that I think show you love but maybe not all of them are perceived as strongly. I mean Love Language Anguish Physical affection touch so for me. That’s a big thing to help me feel. I mean that contributes to a physiological state of relaxation for me lowering that heart rate getting into a good mindset where I’m not flooded with emotion and can rationally always helps so I mean if doc ask something of you and again I I don’t need it but that would make it. Perhaps me feel more loved mark more touch more touch show and you so I feel most loved. I’ll tell you the truth. I feel loved all the time I feel as though you do things for me every day that make me feel loved loved whether it’s making me Thi this morning when I wasn’t feeling well or just putting your warm warm hand on my cold cold body in the morning or running downstairs and getting more toilet paper because I ran out this morning And you’re driving me to the airport early early the five am wakeup sway.

00:30:22 – 00:35:01

I feel really loved over. I feel overwhelmingly loved is my answer but if I I had to choose something lately it’s the physical touch it’s the connection and I was always a words of affirmation Persson not that you can’t be one another. I mean. It’s not Gospel spall but I lately I think because I’ve been a little under the weather Just the physical touch feels released soothing. And of course there’s all this research on on how touch from a loved one can lower your heart rate can reduce pain and I feel like I’m getting a lot of that from you lately. I know you just want my physical touch. That’s because it’s the winter here you’re cold. I’m warm I know it. I can’t wear them up. There’s nothing I can do other than use your body. Okay when we retire. How do you want to spend our days? I think it’s might her book ago but I think we might be on board. I WANNA travel. They WANNA travel and see new things and I wanNA keep volunteering as we travel and and I don’t know what our life is going to look like as we get older and I guess it kind of creeps up on you and I don’t even know who I wanna be surrounded by specifically I mean I can think of people but I know how I wanNA feel and I wanNA feel at ease and I want to be around people I admire. Yeah I think I share much the same travel as the first thing that comes to mind. I’m surprised say travel somewhere. Warm warm travel I like the the idea of being active. Being healthy is a paramount importance with my health. I have nothing so being healthy Being able to move to the people that I admire the most as they are getting older or the ones who I feel. Have this wonderful balanced where they are active enough that they you don’t have to hit the gym every single day to maintain mobility so healthy active. Yes volunteering and staying connected to people. I think is very important where I don’t. I don’t want to have a narrow mind set as I get older. I want actually do the exact opposite opposite. I WANNA I WANNA be challenged. I WANNA keep printing out and seeing other people’s perspectives. Even if I don’t always agree with them I think it’s important to understand them so the people that surround themselves that I see in retirement. That column out are well. Thalia Thalia Mike. So that’s my failure. Who Runs Island Grill Real? Look them up. Island Grill in Jamaica. I think they have nineteen restaurants in nine hundred employees. And she’s seventy something and she’s fabulous. I can’t keep up with them and I’m not. It’s not speaking an exaggeration. There are two events a night six nights a week should they love it but her partner. Mike Big Mike he was on our podcast. You can go back together since they were teenagers but they have this wonderful symbiotic relationship where he supports but he also stay Kinda just hangs in the background choices for the very active connecting with their staff. RAFF probably gives them very interesting perspective on different people in different situations and she does a lot of charity work in addition into a well they both do. The whole family does in addition to running this company she is ahead of the. NCB Foundation which is big Jamaican Bank. And they give one percent of their prophets this bank to the foundation that different work across the island and be is. You know you’ve probably heard of Mike Weekly Chin. If you’re Canadian who’s a Chinese Jamaican as well and so she’s part of the ANC foundation the ARACA Bay Foundation Mustard seed seed and. It’s interesting when we think about people we admire because Thalia is way up that list for me. Both Ilia and Mike and their kids Mike and Denise and their grandkids and Matt these are people who are really important in our lives and I know for some people. You’re not going to who that is but if you follow me on instagram you probably know who who so these people are so yeah I look forward to retirement not in so much. I won’t work because I kind of like I like working but just continuing to enjoy life. I also don’t want retirement to happen too quickly because I have to remember that a big part of my life will have had passed when I retire.

00:35:01 – 00:40:07

And there’s different ways to retire one of my friends. He was a actuary and he just stop working early so that he could spend some time time with his kids and I think he might go back at some points and we might have a I in a second retirement. Lots of different ways to design your life all right baby. Let’s let’s move onto the next one. I think this is for you. I how would you describe an ideal day in the context of your current life. Some creature habit routine is something that I enjoy very much so an ideal day in given in my current Working situation is that what you mean like at work or is on a holiday day the reason I wrote in the context of your current life. It’s like I’m not on the planet Mars floating through space like something somewhat realistic for you so I would wake up. I have this routine eighteen where I make coffee but I would make coffee. Eat My date bars because I love me some rx bars and then probably have an hour to killen. Read a little bit before I jumped into work then. I think I would do a couple of hours of work. Nothing would be too stressful. There’d be no fires to put out then I’d I probably go and be physically active like maybe go to the gym or if we were somewhere warm I would do something outside. And then maybe again do some more work than call today. workwise at a reasonable hour. Have some dinner. Maybe all of these things are woven woven with you like I tend to check in a lot with you and I’m also interested in Your Business Co.. So throughout the day we’re just checking and seeing what’s going on Maybe meeting up for coffee again and then having dinner relaxing and if your house somebody may very well knock on our door and come over for a drink think hang out on our on our patio hang on and then while I continue hanging out with a drink you do a brandon. Just Houdini go and disappear and go to bed. We have a term in our neighborhood. It’s called doing a brandon where you just leave and he’s gone pretty much amazing and just Houdini my way out the situation who. It’s interesting that you describe your day that way and you emphasize the desire for routine because as I think you already know. I don’t love routine and I love disruption and that’s probably why we balance each other out loud. Don’t get me wrong. I do need routine and I do crave it because I notice the very few things that I have in my life and in my business that are routine are very important to me. I just don’t need the routine daily. I can have. It perhaps. Weekly Lee or even monthly or biweekly. When so my ideal day in the context of my current life would involve waking up for not a seven seven? AM flight like a nice reasonable hour. Flight like ten. AM and. I don’t mind getting up early but I don’t WanNA get up at four thirty so getting up. Let’s say I get up at six thirty eighty you make me a coffee because God damn you make a good core Tato We eat something because I like to have a meal deeper. No not at this gusting date bar like some with something very carb heavy and protein heavy. I like food food. Not Bird Food and then we fly somewhere and you come with me and we’re on a cool plane we’re on a seven eight seven or does like refi reminder like seventy eight seventy nine and when when we get there we have lunch and working and I work on the plane because I really do love my work and then we have some time to chill and then and I have to give a not have to give a speech or workshop that night and then we have the next day. I know folding into the next day but we have time to explore this new or different place this so I like the disruption. I liked the travel. I wanted to ask you. Actually what stops you from living your ideal day day or do you feel you live your ideal day. Think I live a portion of my ideal day I find with my work. I ended up getting pulled sideways a lot and the things that I want want to get done. I don’t get done or somethings. I’ll procrastinate and not get finished which kind of frustrates me. And then I get angry over being angry and whole other slew of emotions. But I’d say most days I I live a good part of my ideal day. You don’t read for an hour Absolutely don’t read for an hour for pleasure is your says that’s something you want to try and implement maybe not an hour but fifteen minutes fifteen twenty minutes to be a good start and for my ideal day. I mean that’s not my every day so another day would be different. I can’t fly someplace every single day and you can’t come all the time but I guess we’re pretty lucky it’s a good reminder that we’re sort of close to our ideal day now we’re running out of time because Brennan has to go so we have quite a few questions laugh so maybe we can do a bit more rapid fire.

00:40:08 – 00:45:10

Let’s do it. What is your first memory of when we met first memory I saw you standing behind the bar in a sparkly top bikinis probably Bikini and I remember being like Whoa? That was the first meeting at least that I saw. So you the first actual meeting when I explained a little bit about one of my classes. And in retrospect it probably sounded like a goof. But that’s it. Do you remember talking about the when squirrels attack. Yes I remember that too because we’re far when you get home you can’t go to sleep because you’re all wired at three or four in the morning and there’s nothing on and so you watch the weirdest things things at I remember. We were both watching separately. We didn’t even know each other when squirrels attack and I came in and was talking about it. And you’re like oh my gosh. I saw that too just because says I would still watch when squirrels attack because that sounds like an amazing show okay. Let’s move on so we’ll wrap this up. I promise if you could have a drink with anyone in the world whom would you choose and why for fun laps. I’d have a drink with will ferrell feel that that would be funny really really feel like I get a laugh out of that for interesting conversation. Probably everyone wants to actually be Barack Obama and Adam grant oh interesting from The the Book Given Take Adam Grant has authored a few books and does a lot of research on how giving leads two more benefits than receiving. He’s believe the youngest warton professor in history and he has a new book out right now. The name escapes me. Because I haven’t read it yet. That’s interesting thing so I’ve always said I’d love to sit down with the OBAMAS but what I want is a truth serum. I WANNA know what they’ve really saying. I want to know what really happened. I don’t want the political look. Yeah version I want to know okay. Do you have time for one more honey. All right when was the last time you felt really excited. That’s a really hard question for me because the last and I’m not trying to be negative. The the last seven months had been hard since our dog died. And you’re not to be negative night. I get that I also don’t want to be unappreciative of what I have right now. But the excitement part of my life has been really dampened by the fact that she’s not here and that I miss her so so when I think about feeling really excited I I used to think about we’re going on an actual holiday. She’s coming it’s going to be fun. We’re GONNA have a great time so everything that we’ve done over. The last seven months has been fantastic. Fun Exciting but feeling really excited was probably when we went. Can’t we go three of us. She was diagnosed before she was diagnosed with a city. Was it Mexico City to Mexico City. I know so that was a great trip and we went on before that we went to Spain with her. Can I just say something really quickly about that Mexico City trip so I love food conversely and there’s a restaurant there called poodle and it’s a tasting menu but not expensive and it’s fabulous and it’s in the most gorgeous building and you can’t can’t get a reservation there. It’s very difficult but for some reason at three o’clock that day I looked on open table open table of all places. I wouldn’t expect to see a poodle reservation there. And and for some reason they were two tables to available at six fifteen and six thirty because there were four of us and I got it on open table and it was one of the most memorable meals of my life and so I would never check open table. I don’t even know how I ended up on open table. But there’s a little lesson for you. If you love food you might get lucky and unexpected place Okay do you have to go with the need to go okay so I just. I’m going to tell people tell you the rest of the questions on the list so what. We didn’t get it to our name to things that you love to do. That don’t cost much money or any money. I know Brennan’s GonNa say Masturbate. No I wasn’t I was actually going to say coffee and paddle boarding but yes gluco okay. Well paddle boarding costs a little bit. Yeah those didn’t come free if you had one wish what would would it be and you can’t ask for more wishes. What are we did? When was the last time you felt really excited? And I didn’t Answer that sorry I was excited last week. Week when we went to Jamaica because there are all these parties because my Auntie Thalia was getting a bunch of awards and I love parties and I especially love Jamaican parties because Jamaicans liked to dress up. And I like to dress up and I’d like to pose and get in the paper make on the social pages so that was really exciting trip for me the end we were working the whole time and it was still so much fun and then finally the one we didn’t get to is what global issues concern you.

00:45:10 – 00:46:44

You and you can probably tell from Brandon’s conversations from our conversation. What’s on our mind as of late and that’s social justice issues around folks who don’t have the same pillaged we have so? I really encourage you to give this interview a try. You can download it from our website or you can just talk while while the podcast is playing and give it pause. Have a little chat It’s interesting Brandon having these discussions with you because we’re not we have no notes we haven’t plea preplanned. There’s no rehearsal. We’re not editing though. None of that and so I definitely feel as though I learned something about you but more more importantly I feel as though these are conversations that can take us away from what we usually distract ourselves with and help us to feel connected but also to have to gain some insights on what we want in life and there’s some obvious things that I’d like to change for myself and I don’t know if you feel the same way definitely I do. Well thank you so much. Thank you knows fun was it and thanks for listening and thank you to desire resorts for your ongoing support. You know we love them at desire. Experience make sure you check him out. If you’re into this podcast please share and subscribe and we’ll be back again next Friday and every Friday with a new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Dr After Jesse podcast improve your sex life improve your life.