June 18, 2019
Foot Fetishes, Sex Smells, Dating Profiles & Creating Relationship “Distance”
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Why do we develop fetishes and how can you talk to your partner about a fetish? How can you discuss spending time apart with a new partner after you’ve moved in together? Jess and Brandon discuss these topics and share their thoughts on sex smells, gift-giving and more. They’re also joined by Samantha Eitel who has an alternative take on dating profiles and “the best gift ever”.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Foot Fetishes, Sex Smells, Dating Profiles & Creating Relationship Distance
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast, sex, and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr jazz podcast. I am your co host Brandon wear, and I’m still here, your friendly neighborhood sexologist just Riley. Thanks for being here with us. What’s been on my mind lately, babe talk to me feet. Interesting. Hopefully not my feet. Oh, let me tell you. I never think about your feet. No, I don’t have gross feed. Oh, no. I didn’t mean it that way. They’re just feet. My own feet. Aren’t my thing. You have very big feet. I do a triple for them their water skis. That’s the joke. I don’t need water skis. When I go water skiing sometimes will go shopping in markets where people, I suppose tend to have smaller feet and Brennan wants to buy some of their nice handmade sandals. And they laugh at him when he tells them, his first of all, you’re making too on buying sandals, which I’m not doing. I’m buying shoes, and I also don’t have ridiculously large feet, there, actually normal size cave. They’re like twelve which is not ridiculous. But I did stop into a shoe store and the guy laughed at me, and this is in Toronto, and I’m thinking twelve a crazy foot size fair. They’re often thirteen and one guy told you that they don’t carry ridiculous sizes. That was his word. Thinking to myself really man like at twelve is ridiculous. That’s silly. Well, I’m thinking about feet, not because I’ve been thinking about your feet, but because I keep receiving these requests. Asking for pictures of my feet. Nice. And maybe I should be responding asking how much they’re willing to pay. Sure. Maybe they want sponsor the podcast. I’m sure that’s exactly what they want. They want pictures of my feet and I received another Email a couple of days ago, asking why he was so turned on by feet and if anything was wrong with him. So he said that he had a foot fetish and was just concerned about whether or not this was normal, and it’s interesting because the foot is, in fact, one of the most commonly fetish is objects our body parts and a foot fetish simply refers to new strong sexual arousal or desire in response to the feet and fetishes tend to refer to non genital body parts or object based at traction. You might also have a foot fetish MB aroused by foot products like shoes and socks and stockings and boots and people have asked in the in the past. To buy my socks really. Interesting. I wouldn’t I didn’t know that, but you know that I don’t like shopping. I can’t afford to run out of socks because I’d have to go to the store to get more. Maybe I can get them on Amazon these days. Just go online. Yeah. I guess so. But anyhow, I wanted to talk a little bit about fetishes, so the unattractive to an object or to a sexual body part, that is not tend does not tend to be associated with sex and the theories behind, why these fetishes exist. First of all, there’s nothing wrong with you. And one theory suggests that we develop fetishes in response to erotic associations. Oftentimes created when we were younger. So, for example, if you had an early erotic experience that involved feet, your brain and body may have created this lasting erotic association. So it’s sort of like a flow vian response. So, for example, may be your master beating and you know you were using something soft like. Stocking. Or maybe there was an image of a foot early on now. It’s possible that we don’t need a erotic association. It’s just that you find feet very attractive ’cause they’re kinda sexy. Do you like feet are like you’ve got beautiful hands and feet? They don’t get me going. I’ve also seen in perusing porn sites that I have stumbled upon. I’ve seen the whole foot fetish thing taken to the next level where I see a person with Pena’s having there. Their junk, let’s call it, what it is being jerked off with somebody’s feet that you say, let’s call it, what it is. And then you call it junk, yeah. Anyway, I’m trying to be I’m trying to use the right words here with being totally crest. So somebody has their penis jerked off by somebody else’s feet.
00:05:02 – 00:10:01
I gotta tell from coordination perspective. I would love to just try that aren’t concerned about the possibility for error, and how I could end up with a heel in my sack and how painful that would be. I think people have pretty good control over their feet. Dave, I don’t then because I would kick somebody right in the junk, well, your feet or too big jerk appeal. But I would like to see you try to foot jerk your own penis. I would just, you know, if I had to do that, first of all, I don’t see why would ever have to do that. But if I had to do that, I would just kick somebody in the nuts. Yeah. You would definitely I do not have the fine motor skills to do that. Let alone even the prospect of doing that to myself, I would I not even close to that flexibility, three hernias share. Oh, you’re just be bad for everybody. Then I’d have to explain it to people. How’d you hurt yourself three hernia minimum? So there’s nothing wrong with being jerked off with your feet. I can see it being kind of hot there’s another theory that suggests that a foot fetish can have more to do with overcoming, the subversive, or specifically overcoming disgust. So as you’re arousal levels, heighten your disgust response, or instinct becomes less sharp and your. You are no longer likely to respond strongly with disgust to even things that normally kinda gross you out, so feed aren’t particularly disgusting. But some people consider feet dirty and this altered state of perception allows you to engage sexually with objects that you might normally find off putting so like your feet. So the taboo element of this theory falls in line with dominant, cultural messages around sex. It’s not it’s dirty. It’s shameful. And a foot fetish can be one outlet through which you reconcile the conflict between your own experience of sexual pleasure. And then these negative sexual messages. So you’re turning something that may be was not erotic into something Roddick and for some people that can help to let go of sexual shame. So the, you know, a couple of different theories, you might just like feet because they’re kind of powerful, the heap as grounded there, something sexy like that, man for some people, they wouldn’t even consider it a fetish, it’s just. Just one of many variations with regard to turn on, you know, you can be attracted to feed and the foot has a long history of these erotic associations. You think of the Cinderella story, talks about her perfect small pretty little foot fitting into the glass slipper and several cultures have histories as we know of emphasizing foot size, as a sign of sexual prowess or attractiveness. And if you have foot fetish, it doesn’t mean you necessarily want to have sex with feet. So, for example, Brandon talked-about rubbing his feet on genitals, but some people do want to do that. And that’s totally cool. But a lot of people many people with foot fetishes have no desire to actually connect the foot to the penis, or the Volvo, or your genitals, a foot fetish might just involve admiring kissing worshiping feed. Sajjan feed washing feet, photographing them smelling them. Licking them, sucking them, you can make out with them even submitting to your feet. So there’s a lot of kind of the D S dominance submission play here. Begging for your feet being stepped on being tickled or tickling your feet. So there’s all these different ways you can play with feet. It’s not necessarily what you see in porn, which is just rubbing rubbing went off their lots of ways. And if you do have a foot fetish, or any sort of fetish or anything you want to try out, you might while, for example, with the feet, you could start by just complementing your partners feed offer them a foot massage. Let them know that using their feeder beautiful, and that, you know, you find them exciting that touching them makes you feel relaxed and sensual, and then you can tell them eventually what it is. You wanna do to their feet, and even if they’re not into it, even if there had been on comfortable, a partner with whom you’re sexually compatible won’t judge you. They’ll try and understand your needs. And hopefully together you can find ways to negotiate. You know, some sort of balance of working out your desires into your sexual repertoire. I think you look fantastic. Apparently, shoes, your shes. No, not my shoes. That just looks comical. Yeah. When you have on really nice heels, and I see your feet. I think they look great unthinking of a photo right now that Dave Laos took, and your legs and your feet. Look hot interesting. So maybe you’re more in defeat than you realize. Nope. No. Maybe you’re in denial. That’s it.
00:10:01 – 00:15:01
If you are a foot fetish ist own it, don’t apologize. Don’t be embarrassed. You’re perfectly normal. You don’t have to apologize. You shouldn’t have to convince your partner of anything, but you can present them with options. And, you know, you wanna find a compatible partner and compatibility, of course, is about being similarly, open-minded. It’s not about having the same desires, but about respecting one another’s desires and making an effort to meet one another’s needs. So if your partner judges, you and isn’t willing to work through this judgment, and it’s their job to work through their own judgment, not yours. Maybe you know they’re not the most sexually compatible partner for you. And if you are single and you have a foot fetish, get online don’t send me messages asking for my foot pictures, unless you wanna name a specific figure, it’s going to be a big one. But there, there are really supportive communities and sharing sites designed just for you. So go ahead, indulge in and let your mind, wander moving on from feet. I wanna talk about a topic that we covered in a previous episode not so long ago. Back in December, we shared an episode called the best gift ever in which you and Brandon, we talked about a free gift, you can make or create for your partner for the holidays or for any occasion or non occasion. And this gift alternately involved, writing your partners dating profile as a reminder to yourself, and as a declaration to them of just how great they are, what a catch, they are and Brennan. And I if you listen, you’ll recall that we shared hours with one another. And with you back in episode eighty nine and I know many of you tried it at home, because I received your messages with many things and it really is a moving activity. So if you haven’t tried it, yet, go back. Listen to episode eighty nine to get some background on the article that inspired the exercise get some instructions on how to do it. And of course to hear are. Reactions. Now we’re talking about this dating profile exercise, exercise today, because one of our listeners Samantha, who I know because she’s a producer with global television’s, the morning show. She had an alternative experience with it. Her boyfriend, Mark didn’t just write her dating profile to show her how much he appreciates her. He actually posted it online on a dating site. Plenty of fish. Yes. Okay. Tell us why he did this. How they he did this your reactions. He claims it’s because he didn’t understand the exercise. And when I said, we’re making a chatter dating profiles, he thought he was actually gonna make dating profile. So I made him a fake tender account. It was just on a piece of paper and it looked like tender, and he made me, a plenty of fish account, which I guess is free and very easy to do. So I actually have it. Hear what he wrote and. I was a bit baffled at first, because we were receiving a lot of messages from people and it was, it was very interesting because I’ve never done online dating before. So this was a new world, for me and some of the messages, were, you know, hey, let’s get together tonight and then others were taking things from my bio and at OAC have account. And I also like cats and they were very personalized. So is a very interesting in that sense. But then I also felt bad for these people who are maybe messaging me, and I was not gonna message them back because I am in a committed relationship. So I felt bad. So I said, you gotta take this down right away had my picture on it, and everything I’m like an my name, so people could find me very easily on the internet. So let’s take it down. Pantley you can’t take down a plenty of fish profile unless you’ve had it for twenty four hours. So we had to wait until twenty four hours were up before he could take. Get down. I don’t even know if it’s taken down yet to be honest. He could still be getting all these messages, and enjoying all the messages that he’s getting, I don’t know why he found it so funny. I’d like to show to Mark right now because he took things the next level. Some credit, come on, man. Like he took it to the next level. I think I like Mark dude naturally. Everybody does. And he does naturally funny things like this all the time, like I said he claims, you know, it was an accident. I didn’t understand the exercise but he knew exactly what he was doing. He was just trying to be funny. And, and it was quite funny. It’s funny now that, that it’s past the point of all the photos at a use for your profile one pitcher. He’s this one. Obviously, it’s a nice picture of me group it again. Now my name and my picture on dating websites, which I never gave consent to.
00:15:02 – 00:20:06
So that was a bit freaky. So as soon as I found, I made them take down the pitcher and take down my real name. And so do you have the profile he wrote for you do? Yeah. Yeah, it’s quite sweet. I mean it starts off. You know, Snape nonsmoker athletic body type which was nice. I guess, education, some college. Intense Sammy wants to find someone to marry. Okay. And then he wrote Hello. I’m a beautiful woman looking for someone who will be great company on life’s adventures would also like to meet someone to have a meaningful thought provoking conversation with quite nice. And then there’s a list of things that he believes I am smart. Fun loving hilarious kind affectionate thoughtful, family oriented. And then there’s a couple of paragraphs here that I like hanging out with my friends, I make friends with random strangers because I’m so easy going. I like to have a quite time with a nice book, but I’m always up for a game of Colin call of duty. And then it goes on to talk about my easygoing attitude. How much I love my family, and then my cat peppy after he posted this and got through the laughs of the first twenty four hours or perhaps all the messages. How did you feel about what he did about writing this, or that he put it on an online, both? Well, the message was very sweet. I mean it was a really good exercise to do with each other. Because sometimes we don’t tell each other, you know how he really truly feel about each other. So it was really nice exercise. And I find it hilarious that he did that. It’s it’s totally him. And that is why with them because he always makes me laugh. So it’s just something that he would do and that I, I should have expected it, but I didn’t. And because it happened. It’s just totally him to do something like that. Now you’ve been together eight years, you’re getting married in just a couple of months. Yes. Down in Mexico and. Do you write his profile? I did do you have a copy? Or did you? I couldn’t he, he couldn’t find his I found mine. I keep everything because what we do instead of gifts is we give each other handmade cards. It’s just a thing we’ve done since I think the first or second year we started dating. So we, we always read each other cards. And I’ve kept all of mine because I love them sold on the gifts. You don’t do gift. We don’t do guests, no birthday, Christmas Valentine’s, nothing. What prompted a bad move. I think the first year we were together, he didn’t give me a Valentine’s data and I thought I was like I thought you were a romantic guy, and he’s he said, no, I’m not, I’m not very romantic, ’cause I was confusing traditional with romance, romance. I thought you were gonna say, I was confusing it with someone else. No. Quite now quite so he said, I just don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day, and I said, well, I do. And, you know, I would like a gift and so the next year he didn’t he went all out balloons chocolates, everything a nice gift, and I got it. And it was sweet nice. But I thought you know, there’s how much heart is in this, if it’s kind of forced, and so something, my dad always said it is, I don’t wanna gift, I want you to make me something. So I think there’s just so much more heart in, you know, making me a card, and writing it out yourself handwritten, there’s something so special. And I just feel like there’s more heart in it. You know, when I make things for Jess, she’s like, oh, look a five year old. Best wife, every time that you only wear when you walk in the door for your kids. That’s what I do for Brennan. We actually don’t do gifts either. And I’m not sure how it happened. But I do remember our first Christmas together because my family was very into Christmas and gifts. And I bought Brandon’s shirts and Cologne and probably some jewelry, and gift cards and went all out and, and I’m trying to think what else I got you. I got you a spa package Gulf. Oh, I bought you golf clo- out. Yeah. I was over the top I was young. And I was a bartender, so I had cashed below. And no real bills to pay Brandon bought me. Hang on. I’m pretty sure you’ve bought me an Adam Sandler diva. Yep. I don’t I’m trying to think of some way to it, and I got nothing also a bottle of Baileys, very important important right on. For the kicker. Wait for the kicker ’cause don’t you remember the gift that I gave you? That was many years later, he gave me anti-aging cream. It was the most expensive thing. I could buy at I went to, and I was like, honestly, just give me the most expensive cream you half mart is version of CVS or Walgreens, only, it’s a little nicer. It was expensive men and how about the year that I surprised you with a massaging device. Oh, he bought me a coup, massaging glove, not intended to be sexual in any way.
00:20:06 – 00:25:03
And a really I didn’t really think about it like that. Until I realized after what I had bought and we had opened up in front of everyone on Christmas morning. Do you not remember my dad put it on? Yeah. I got super weird weird like real quick. Now, did he know what it was? He loved it now. He wouldn’t have. No, no, no. So I can see why you don’t give each other gifts them. You’d better go with the five year old age something gift. I think it’s been about probably ten years since we’ve purchased to give in fact, it was our industry our wedding anniversary this week and graduation things I think we sort of forgot about it because we, we’ve had a lot a lot going on. But I think we’re good without the gifts. I’m okay with I find. I find I embarrassed myself less when I don’t buy just takes off so much pressure. Absolutely. And so you already live with your partner, and you had mentioned that you took a big step that you think is actually bigger than marriage. Yes. So when we purchased a home together, we put all of our money together into one account, so that even now if we are to buy gifts, it would be like I’m buying myself against, you know what I mean. I make my own money. So if I want something I’ll just go buy for myself. I don’t need him to buy it for me. And I don’t need his permission to go buy anything for myself. We’re very good that way in the sense that, you know. With money. We, we connect very well with that. So we know like, if we, if he wants to buy something he’ll ask me, you know, I need this drill. I need this. I need that. I’ll just say. Yeah. For final problem. And if I wanna go buy something for the house, or clothes, or anything else, I can go do that myself. So kind of by other gifts. We buy our selves gifts. Right. And put it that way. So do you think you’re better prepared for marriage because you’ve already had these financial discussions because you already share all of your finances a hundred percent. Yeah. I’ve, we feel like moving into the house and putting our money together was a bigger step than take then getting married. So the weddings just a party a how, yeah the week long party in Mexico. Yeah. Sounds pretty good young. Well awesome. Thank you so much for talking with us. I wish we’d had Mark here. And if Mark fines his profile that you wrote for him in his underwear, jor anytime soon, Senate into us, and we’ll read it out. I will. Okay. Thank you so much. Guys. Chatting with Sam was really a good reminder that it’s time to pull back out our dating profiles, and maybe even rewrite them. And of course, I hope you’ll consider this exercise on your own, right? You’re partners. Dating profile share it with them to let them know how much you appreciate them and do not posted online, unless they have a very good sense of humor, like Sam, and, or really unless you have their consent. And now I wanna talk a little about sex smells because we received some feedback from a listener. And I think, you know, I just wanna clear the air because one of our listeners recently posted about the show and I think they’re post merits a response. And brandon. I know you haven’t read this yet, but I’m gonna let you read what they had to say. I have noticed in a couple of episodes. You talk about being concerned with your smell prior to engaging with a partner sexually. It was addressed in deface sitting episode that you should shower before playing, and then in a recent episode you and your man, I guess that’s me talked about hooking up after being at the gym, but only if no one smells, does your partner find when your body’s natural faira moans fill his nostrils unpleasant, is the idea of smelling something other than axe body, spray and perfume on someone you’re attracted to really that repulsive. I find it triggers a very animalistic energy that taps into something very primal. It’s hard to trust any person who claims to love, women, but doesn’t bow down and worship. Everything about their perfectly amazing holiest of all holes. It’s perfect. In any condition, the holiest of whole, so I wanted to respond to this, because some people love the smell and the feel of sweat, and some people like, but sweat, and some people don’t, and I think we’re all okay. You know, I’m one of those people that’s really sensitive to smell. I, I don’t know what axe body spray smells, like I don’t imagine. I love it. I don’t I don’t really wear perfume very often and I do like a little sweat, but I can tell you, for instance Brennan, I don’t like the way you smell after hockey. I don’t like that equipment, and I’m not trying to shame you, but I also have personal preferences, and I wanna be even though I’m speaking in public, I won’t be entitled perfect personal preferences.
00:25:03 – 00:30:00
And I think the face sitting episode when we talked about, washing before you face sit before you sit on someone’s face. We’re actually talking about washing your but for hygiene and for some people for odor. And again, some people like the smell. Of a but and some people like the smell of, but after you’ve gone to the bathroom, and that’s okay. And others like me, don’t like the smell of, but after you’ve gone to the bathroom, and let me tell you, I, I’ve been around so many sex parties and shoots at been in the room, when face sitting has gone awry, because of the, but it wasn’t about the Jonah it was because someone didn’t wipe up properly after they went, new Moto dose and no one, I’m serious. And the whole room reacted. It’s sort of the same as your breath. Sometimes your breath, smells good. And sometimes it’s doesn’t smell that good. You know, I noticed for me certain times of the month. I’m really sensitive to smell. I can walk into a room and be really put off by a smell or a specific body. Order like when I come home to my house, and somebody’s in it working for example, I can walk in and I can smell the unfamiliar sent in mmediately and sometimes it bothers me so much. I’m not trying to be judgmental. It’s, it’s just not to my taste, and this becomes a challenge for me when I’m hosting a show like this, and, you know, I you know, most of my job involves talking about data and interpreting research, but then, you know, here I opened up about my personal preferences. And it’s actually kind of intimidating to talk about my own preferences, because I always need to be clear that my preferences are not the gold star standard, and they don’t have to be your preferences. And with regard to, you know, worshiping the Jonah I think it’s great to love the smell of China or a mouth or a scrotal sac or but for that matter, and obviously, I really wanna reduce any shame and stigma around bodies, but it’s also okay to not always love the way you smell, and I do notice for instance, my smell, we’ll change with my cycle, not just my sense of smell. But the way I smell and it changes with my sleep with my diet. So I wanna be really clear. I want you to. Feel great about your body. I hope we help you to feel good about your body and you don’t have to smell one specific way to be attractive. But I also want to just me as Jess be allowed to have my preferences without being judged without making you feel as though your preferences need to align with mine, and vice versa. I would agree that it sucks to be judged listening to that person’s commentary. It’s clear that. I don’t wanna say that. They have any issues, but they’re projecting. Because I’m here on this show on this podcast sharing my personal experience and being somewhat open invulnerable about what I’ve seen in what, you know, how I feel and to assume that I wear axe body spray, and that it’s offensive to you. I mean, I don’t if somebody else wants to then good for them. This is what I like I don’t like the smell of a butthole when if we were having sex, it doesn’t do it for me if it does it for you. Great. Sometimes about whole doesn’t have much of small. No, I’m just so I’m assuming that butthole has a smell, and in this particular case, because we’re talking about odors, showering, I and showering I it’s just not my jam and Kate, it, totally have sex without showing. It’s not like we have to hop in the shower. Anyhow, I and I want to be clear that know actually, I really appreciate this feedback because I think it’s kind of neat. That lots of different people listen and I think it’s okay that we maybe don’t agree all the time. In fact, if you were to agree with us on everything. This would be pretty boring. I don’t have a problem with somebody enjoying the odors of other people, that’s just the same way you might not agree with what I like I’m not agree with what you like. And that’s the wonderful thing we can share our collective experiences because there are going to be a lot of people out there who, who, like that who enjoy as that. This listener said the animalistic component associated with those odors. So I got that because I do like like a little bit of sweat the only time I don’t like it as, if you’re like if you’ve just come from hockey. It’s a hockey thing, and I don’t mean to offend you are anything but I know you love the way your hockey equipment, smells. I was just gonna say that like to his point, or to her point, I do, I like the way my hockey quit smells, but I also know that you don’t like the stank of my hockey equipment. Yeah. Why? So proud of your hockey equipments what it is. It’s an astrologer. I like the smell because I spent so much time playing hockey that it I I like it and I also know that it’s tank it don’t smell good.
00:30:01 – 00:35:14
Do you like the smell of other people’s hockey or just your own brand? Not just my just my jam just like my own brand brew my brew. Yeah. Yeah. I, I hope people feel good about their bodies. I definitely don’t want people to feel bad about the way they smell, I do get a lot of questions about smells because some people don’t like the way they smell or they’re off put, by the way they’re partner smells. And I do think some of it is, is cultural like a lot of women folks with Jonah’s told that we don’t smell it. And I don’t feel that way. I do. Like the way I smell, I don’t feel as, though I need to shower before we have sex or anything like that. So I think when we’ve joked about showering after we work out, it’s often the sweat, and some people love it. Some people love sweaty sweaty sex. And that’s totally cool, too. So I think the bottom line is with everything we do you know about figuring out what you’re into and finding a balance between you and your partner, or your partner’s. And I do welcome the feedback honestly, and I appreciate people who take the time to, to write a comment or send us a note, even if they are just asking for foot pitch. Hey, I have an idea. I wonder if anyone. Brandin foot picks to no one picks. My big ridiculously sized feet as per that shoe salesperson. They will come on legal size paper. Now, I also have a question here from someone about spending time apart. And she says, I’ve heard you talk about spending time apart and how it’s good for your relationship. But how do I even bring this up with my boyfriend? We’ve been living together for six months, and I feel like the walls are closing in, and we’re attached at the hip, even though were super busy and happy together any advice on how to start the conversation about spending time apart. And I guess we’re in a special boat because we’re forced to spend time apart when I travel for work, so that’s not necessarily an option. But I would say, first and foremost, be really specific about what you’re asking. So when you come to your partner with something broad with a broad statement. Like, oh, I need space that can be very confusing, and that can make them worry about why you wanna spend time apart and probably won’t won’t go over as well as something more specific, for example. Oh, I wanna spend an afternoon with my sister, or I want to invest more time in the studio working on my music project, or I wanna spend more time with my family. So explain the specific change. You’re looking for and also highlight why you wanna make this change. So it’s not that you don’t want to be around them. It’s just that you want to be mindful of your time, you might say, I miss going out with my, my sister, my friends, so we’re going to have drinks together on Thursday night. I always feel so great. When I hang out with her, so you’re not saying, I don’t want to hang with you. You’re just explaining that you’re going to engage in an activity without them. And if they do seem off put or nervous just reinforced your commitment to the relationship. When you talk about spending time, apart, make sure. You’re really clear that you like hanging out with them, and make sure you’re spending quality time with them. Because if you’ve just moved in six months ago, your time spent together may not be of the highest quality, you might just be chilling or running errands, or watching movies. And unless that’s your quality time, which is fine. But you might just find yourselves in the room together, but not actually spending time together so make plans for the two of you as well. View of, of taking a hobby. I think that I mean finding something constructive that you can do on your own. And like you said, bringing that up in a constructive way with your partner is probably grit way to say, I’m gonna sign up for course I’m gonna sign for this. I mean, I’ve done that recently it wasn’t to spend time apart from you, but it’s given me a few hours on my own once a week to go and you’re gonna you’re gonna fanned fend as an y’all spaniel says. The most Mattis. See, he’s in Spanish. Then bien let’s, let’s have this conversation in about five weeks, and then we’ll see how how it sounds. Yeah. That’s a great idea. Sign up for course. Register for team you’ll meet new people and, you know, you won’t be able to self isolate, which is what a lot of couples do when they sign up for an activity euro-workshop, or a team or a course. Yes, they go out together, but they tend to just stick together. But if you do it on your own, you’re more likely to integrate into the group and, you know, you can encourage your partner do the same. What are they passionate about? Are they into hockey or they into art or fitness or yoga? So can you buy them a class as a gift and the other thing is, if you have trouble carving out time apart, see if you can tack on some alone time or just time apart onto something you already do without your partner? So maybe you tend to maybe Ardy go.
00:35:14 – 00:40:00
Fitness class on Tuesday nights. So maybe after that, timeframe, you can just stretch it a little farther and go for a coffee either on your own or have a tea with someone from class. So if there’s already a small amount of time, you spend part, just extend that time so that it occurs more naturally when you do talk to your partner about this. It’s okay if you disagree, you don’t have to avoid conflict. It’s normal. So just be honest about how you feel in don’t take it personally, if you don’t always agree. Neither of you is necessarily right or wrong. And we I was watching a, a couple very recently disagree on, on something in their relationship. And the real issue was that they both believed that their way was right. And the bottom line is neither way was right. Or wrong. It was right. Or wrong for that specific person. I think we also encourage each other. That’s something that I, I, I like about a relationship is that when you’ve wanted to go and do something, I’m usually supportive of it. And I find or feel like you’re the same for me. So when I have that encouragement and that support I know that I’m I reciprocate that and I want you to go into your thing, too. I never feel like you don’t want me to go out with friends or go do things I do feel as though, however you on more nervous to go do things you’re always kind of checking in with me, telling me, how long you’re going to be telling me when you’re gonna go back to you feel nervous. Like I need you here. Or is it just just you’re used to telling me where you’re at no think it’s more out of habit? I don’t really feel the responsibility to tell you. I mean, I do think that it’s fair for me to say, I’m I mean, I play hockey. I don’t play very much anymore. But if I played I played once a week, I’m gonna play hockey on Monday nights gonna do Spanish. Take Spanish collections on Tuesday. I feel like maybe I am telling you to check, but I also think that that’s a fair request of your partner to when you have other commitments like we don’t have children. But if we had a child or children, I would want to run that by you, first to make sure that our schedules align. So if I was taking a course, on Tuesday, maybe Thursday, that’s when you’re doing your thing, so that our children are taking care of absolutely. No. It’s a whole different ballgame. When children are in the equation. But I don’t generally feel like I’m seeking your approval. I think I’m I do a lot of debriefing with you throughout the day. Yeah. Maybe you’re just telling me because you have to walk yourself through your schedule. So you say out loud to you do that. You’ll be like you’ll tell me, okay? So I’ve got this at nine this at eleven this at twelve this at one this, too, and unlike not really listening. Just guiding. Yeah. Nobody I think that’s true. You’re just kind of making plans or debriefing at the end of the day. I think that if there is something every now and then you remind me we have this event tonight and it’s good that you interject, tell me that because then I’m like, oh, yeah, so I’ll make sure that I am clear. My schedule for this or for that. So I think what’s really important is that you do have these conversations and you have them from the onset. I’m glad you’re having these conversations just six minutes in after moving in together because you do not want to create a couple cocoon, you do not want to create a cocoon where you don’t let other people in you want to enrich relationships with other people with yourself with your friends with your family. Because when you have healthy relationships with other people in your lives, not only does it ease the pressure on your partner to fulfill all of your needs. But you’re coupled relationship. Is also enhanced because the more sources of love and support and pleasure. And joy and excitement, you have the more you bring all of those wonderful positive elements into the relationship. So encourage you to go have that conversation now and it’s, it’s not a bad. It shouldn’t be a battle. And again, if there is a little bit of disagreement, you’ll, you’ll find the common ground. So we’re gonna stop there. Thank you for the questions. And thank you for the feedback. We really do appreciate it. Even if you know, you’re, you’re giving constructive criticism or you simply disagree. It’s helpful for us. So please keep sending it in follow along on Instagram. Brandon is Verity, Brandon and I’m sex. Doctor jazz, probably easy to find him off of my profile. Because I’m always posting pictures of him handsome, dude, we need to say a big, thank you to desire resorts for their ongoing support of this podcast, desire has to clothing optional couples only resorts on the Mayan river.
00:40:00 – 00:40:37
Era. Just a few minutes south of the Cancun airport as well as multiple cruises leaving out of Europe. Check out the red carpet crews next may leaving from cons during the international film festival. Check them out on Instagram at desire experience. Thank you to you for listening. Thanks for being here. We’ll be back next Friday and every Friday morning with a new episode have a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr jazz podcast improve your sex life. Improve your life.