May 10, 2019
Why We All Seek Attention & Feel Insecure: The Ayesha & Steph Curry Case
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Do you have a partner who craves attention? Do you love getting attention? How do you feel when your partner gets attention from outside sources? Jess and Brandon discuss the Ayesha and Steph Curry case and share their experience with managing insecurity, neediness, attention-seeking and more.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Why We All Seek Attention & Feel Insecure: The Ayesha & Steph Curry Case
00:00:05 – 00:05:01
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sacks. And relationship advice. You can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr Jess podcast. I am Brandon wear here with my lovely partner. Dr. Jess, hey, hey, I’m in a very good mood today was a well. I’m playing in an ultimate frisbee tournament this weekend. Rigo ultimate frisbee. It’s an all women’s team that I love and we do a big cookout after what are they called? We are the joy Huck club. We’re mostly Asian women. And we did have one girl on the team. She didn’t get it. You know, the Joy Luck Club. Right. I know it now because I had to ask about it. You did. Yeah. I did. I didn’t watch movies in the eighty s it was a book. They’re exactly it was also a movie, but Landa good mood because of that. I’m also in a good mood because this week all week long from late late Sunday night when I came home to midday Saturday, Brandon, and I have our house all to ourselves. And for those of you who don’t know why that so exciting Justice father lives in our house and has lived with us for about the last ten years, but he is on a tour of the holy land this week. I hope he’s having a good time. I do too. ’cause I am having a good time. Having a house to myself walking around in the nude. I’m breaking all the rules that I set. Yeah. I mean, I don’t think we have a ton of rules to begin with. I do have a lot of rules in the house. You know, I do know computers at the table. No newspapers at the table. I have a lot of rules. No, Fox News on the main floor, Fox News period. Yeah. Well, that that’s on my dad’s computer, so yeah, we’re enjoying the week loan. And I’m also in a really good mood because the Toronto Raptors are still in the play offs. And I bring up the wraps not only because we’re Toronto fan. So we’ve the north and all that jazz. But also because today, I wanna talk about a USA. Hurry. And I show is a cookbook author. She’s a television host and personality, and she is also. The wife of NBA star Steph curry who has a reputation for being just a super nice guy any specifically has a reputation for not cheating on his wife, which is somehow lauded to get a biscuit for not cheating on your partner. Apparently, if you’re a superstar and show was on red table talk recently, and she opened up about her insecurities in this is what she said. She says something that really bothers me. And honestly has given me a sense of a little bit of insecurity is the fact that. Yeah, there are all these women like throwing themselves at him. But me for the last ten years. I don’t have any of that. I have zero and this might sound weird. But I have I don’t have male attention. And so then I begin to internalize it and unlike is something wrong with me. There’s a lot when package there. I don’t I don’t know much about the curry family. I don’t follow along. So I can’t comment on ISSA career. But I’ll be honest, I like getting attention and I hear where she’s coming from. Yeah. Well, viewers and tweeter and other armchair commentators. They clapped hard clapback hard being highly critical of I you chef for saying that she wants attention. They are calling her some nasty names, they are accusing her of being an attention whore. They are calling her ugly. They are going at her for everything to do with her body to her face to her weight. They are accusing her specifically of being very unappreciative of the fact that her husband is a multi-million multimillionaire star. Now, she’s also a multimillionaire, that’s the meaning of marriage, and she’s had three kids, and I’m like you. I don’t know much about this couple beyond what I’ve been reading today. But I’m with you babe, it is normal to one attention. It is normal to enjoy it. It is especially normal to one attention when the people around you like your husband.
00:05:02 – 00:10:00
Are getting a ton of attention. And it’s interesting because online you’ll see people saying that, oh if staff or another guy said that he wanted attention from women he’d be labeled a dog that no woman would put up with that. And I’d like to say. The not only would I put up with it. I welcome it. Now, Brandon isn’t Steph curry. I got no game. He’s not as famous. He’s not as rich. You don’t get nearly as much attention. But you you do get some attention Allegra. This is going. So you’re not gonna basketball you have tens if not hundreds of millions of dollars. You don’t have people throwing themselves that you all are very true. But but you do get some attention because you are ridiculously good looking and charming and successful. I’m really really really ridiculously good. Look Dow’s you’ll ender thing for those of you who don’t know me. And don’t think I’m totally vein here, but you get attention. And I love it. I actually loved that you get attention. I love that other people men and women want you and for most heterosexual guys, you never get the experience of being wanted and admired and design. Fired beyond what you get from your intimate partner. And that’s not the experience from most women many women get attention from their friends from strangers from their partners from other suitors. We tell each other when we think another person looks good, we lay on the compliments, you know, if if my friend walks in, and I I love the way she looks. I’ll probably say something, but your friend won’t do the same. No. My buds don’t kinda Haller comments at me. And tell me how good I’m looking. But I did start to experience it when I was a bar back working in the nightclubs. I remember specifically somebody the the first set of compliments that I receive about my physical appearance when I was bussing tables in a nightclub and that it felt good. It did. And then it actually. From there. I ended up becoming up our tender. I bartended in Toronto at some of the gay clubs, and I received some complements there too. And over the last ten or fifteen years. I don’t know. Why I I mean, I get it. People are more vocal about how you look maybe there’s more of an emphasis on physical appearance. These days. Maybe I’m paying more attention to it. But I have had some compliments about the way. I look at and it feels good it does when somebody validates you in that way. It does feel nice feeling of of being admired and desired can be exciting. It can be affirming can even be arousing. I also feel silly for maybe this is my own upbringing. I feel silly for feeling good. When somebody does complement me. Like, I have a hard time. I always wanted downplay it, I never wanna a relish in the feeling, and I’m sure that’s a whole other podcast at a topic that we could dive into, but I’ve been taught to not accept those compliments to not really enjoy somebody complementing the way you look physically, which is kind of weird too. Learning to accept a compliment with grace is. I think it’s a challenge for all of us because we wanna feel good about ourselves. But we also don’t wanna come across as cocky. I’m not sure why feel that way. But it is. I also grew up. Going to the nightclubs women didn’t often approach me or maybe again, I didn’t pay attention to it. Did you did which was awesome? But I didn’t get that those compliments growing up. It’s a little more than compliments, right? A tension is a little different than compliments, I think. Okay. Yes. You I had that experience when we were working in the nightclub and the bar back job. He’s talking about are the busboy job. He’s talking about is exactly where I met him and picked him up, and then you moved on to work in the gay clubs, and that was a whole other experience because you’re dealing with men and men tend to be more forward than women with their sexual desires and intent they were very clump complementary, but I mean, regardless of sexual orientation men are socialized that they have to go out there and get what they want and women are socialized to sit here and use our beautiful feathers to attract and. I think there’s actually something in that.
00:10:00 – 00:15:04
With regard to the Irish curry story because I don’t think that women need to derive our sense of self confidence from male attention. Of course, not. But I want to be fair to I show because she didn’t create this world. She’s living in it. And I think about her at thirty years old with three kids having been with her husband since she was a teenager. They were high school sweethearts. Yeah. Just Google that it can be hard to only be known as someone’s wife as someone’s mother, and she’s thirty three kids. She’s been with the super famous husband since high school. Of course, she’s built a brand on her own as well or aside as part of this. But I’ve heard this from others before that the moment they knew they needed to step back from motherhood and take back their own life was when people started saying, oh that Sarah’s mother that’s. Shan’s mother that so and so’s mother, and they didn’t even know their name. And they said, you know, what I had a life before this. I was a person before this. And I want to be that person again, and I can be a mother. And so I think she’s in a very more unique situation being the mother of three children, even though she she runs her brand as well. But I think the important message here is that not only is feeling desired and wanted invalidated in, you know, getting attention part of an evolutionary holdover because we’ve needed it to survive as social beings. But it just feels good and it’s universal. And I think it’s so ridiculous that everyone is piling onto this woman. I’m not saying that everyone wants attention from outside sources. But if you do, that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you. And I’m often asked about whether I think monogamy or consensual non monogamy or open relationships, which is better. And I always say that. It’s a matter of personal preference. It’s a matter of personality. Monogamy works for some people and consensual non monogamy works for others. There is no universal better. But when I see stuff like this when I see people suggesting that if you’re in a happy relationship, you appreciate your partner so much that you can’t possibly enjoy or crave. Attention from other people. Oh, I start to think that monogamy sounds really unrealistic. I think the notion that one person can fulfill all of your needs is damaging to relationships. It puts too much pressure on you. And it puts too much pressure on your partner. I think as soon as you say that though people assume that you’re implying that you open the door, and it’s no no holds barred. You can do whatever you want. But that’s not what you’re saying. At all. You’re just saying if I understand correctly that you can be you can you can enjoy the somebody else thinks that your partner is attractive. You can enjoy the idea of even just fantasies. It doesn’t mean you have to do anything. It’s just being open to. The idea of it. And maybe you’re not comfortable, but maybe you’re open to having that discussion. Well with you. I mean, how do you feel about men in particular hitting on me? I feel threatened. I feel insecure about it. I know that it happens. I know that other people find you attractive, and I know that you are hit on. I know that you travel the world speaking about a topic that is considered taboo, and I’ve had to, you know, first of all have to trust you. And I think that that is a huge comfort and security for me that no matter where you go. No matter what you do. I think that the way you, speak and interact with others. You would do it with me in the room or with me not in the room? So I have that security a lot of jokes about you behind your. I’m sure you do you know what I would be in the room at probably not laughing at them because they not funny. But I feel confident that wherever you are you conduct yourself in a way that whether I was there or not doesn’t matter. So that probably makes me feel a bit better. It still doesn’t mean that at times, I don’t feel uncomfortable. And I think that I make an effort to try and have that discussion with you when I can it’s not not perfect at it. Some. Times. It comes up at other times. And let’s be clear, I ain’t no Steph curry either. But I see where this woman you should curry is coming from. I hear people talk in long term relationships in and sometime more. So with women that they feel invisible after a certain age that they don’t get the attention that they received when they were younger, and perhaps perhaps before they had children or before they became somebody’s wife or the mother of. And I can only imagine that getting that attention for five ten fifteen twenty years to the not receiving it would be very difficult compounded upon that is that your partner in this case is in the spotlight super successful.
00:15:04 – 00:20:04
I mean he’s called goat. Yeah. And and he incredibly wealthy and probably has people throwing themselves at him a lot, and it would be difficult to be in that situation. So all those haters that are out there throwing. Slinging mud at her. Maybe should take a step back and think about what she’s saying she’s not saying I want to go out and be with fifteen other people at once or anything like that. She’s just saying I got a lot of attention. I’m insecure. And I’m owning this feeling. Let’s talk about that. Because it is also normal to feel insecure this notion that the world is divided into secure folks and insecure folks is entirely aronie s human emotions are universal. You should get insecure. I get insecure Brennan you get insecure. You get insecure an opening up about it like this woman has done to me says that she is probably better equipped to manage this, insecurity. Then those who feign unwavering confidence I would imagine that their relationship is stronger if she’s able to have that kind of converse. Station in public. I hope and I would imagine that the conversations that she’s having with her partner with Steph curry behind the scenes are even more impactful and strengthened their relationship to a level that none of us are the average person probably can’t compete with. Well, that’s the other piece is that these two are living their lives in the public eye, and that is an entirely different experience than what we deal with the rest of us. This is an added layer of pressure criticism and straight up hatred. This is just hate, and I’m sure you know, if I had to deal with that extra layer pressure. It would be really hard for me. I mean, I’m in the public eye to tiny little degree. But you know, I and Steph can walk into any restaurant and get any table they want. We don’t we don’t have that that cloud. We will walk in places where people might know us. I mean, especially in a city like Toronto where everybody knows everybody some. You know at the airport or something somebody will know who I am. But it’s this tiny little zero point zero zero zero zero one percent of what what these two are dealing with. I think our dog more notice. That’s true. I think people recognized as because of our palm. But here’s the other piece. Some people are being critical of of icy curry for being insecure because her husband is known for not cheating. He is known as not being a cheater. Uh-huh. Okay. As though the fact that he’s a star. And he doesn’t cheat is something she should appreciate as opposed to something. She deserves. That’s kinda crazy the idea that he should get again that biscuit for being the gold star for not doing what he agreed to. If that is what they agreed to from the onset. The how is that an accomplishment in any way? And would it be regarded in the same way? If the. Role reversal existed in that relationship. Right. So if wanting attention is normal and the desire to be desired is normal. And sometimes we we will enjoy it from outside sources, how do you navigate that in your relationship? So for example, I can say I don’t like attention because sometimes I find the attention bothersome. But you’re right that when that attention goes away, as I get older, it will probably, you know, I’ll probably receive less of it, which is one of the challenges for women because for men sometimes as you get older, you get even more attention. Like, I think you just you keep getting more and more attractive? Appreciate that. And and you know, what I think that? The the focus is on youth. And in particular with women you are seeing I would assume that you are seen as most attractive when you are what like eighteen through twenty five or twenty eight. And then I don’t know. I think that you align with cultural beauty standards most between those ages, but I don’t necessarily find eighteen to twenty five year olds the most attractive for any gender. I think again a attractiveness also is with how you carry yourself. So with time if you become more confident and more secure with your your person, you’re being it does come across in. How you communicate how you interact with other people. I mean, there are men and women who remain sexy well into their old age just because of the way they carry themselves. Doesn’t mean you want to have sex with somebody who’s eighty and your twenty, but they can still be an attractive human being and some people do.
00:20:04 – 00:25:04
Yep. What that whatever. So we bring it back to you know, the takeaway, how do you navigate this? If your partner is getting a lot more attention than you. So I mean, I think that would be our case I would be the one getting more attention, partly because of my gender probably partly because I’m more out there. And I think that I’ve had to learn to be okay with that. And when I’m not okay with it. It goes back to that. That point that you’ve brought up time and time again, which is having conversations people when you voice your concern to your partner, you let your partner know, how you feel and when they can understand how you’re feeling they can assuage those concerns that you have if I just kept everything bottled up, you would have to be a mind reader to know how I feeling and why I’m lashing out. And I’m going to challenge you because I can’t think of you coming to me and saying that you know, you felt in secure. I can’t even think if you talking about being jealous. I disagree. I feel like I’ve brought that up a few times recently are now not so much recently. I would say the last time might have been a handful of years ago. I can’t remember the exact moment. But I remember having the conversation saying that I felt uncomfortable in. I think it was a really hard thing to have to admit to. Now, the the insecurities are just different that I have they don’t deal so much with physical appearances, they do with other feelings as you as you relationship of alz. Do you feel more secure now? They has the security. How do I say this has the security increased kinda steadily overtime or does it go up and down? It’s fluid. I think generally it’s it’s been an upward or improving direction. But there are days where and I’m sure everybody feels this. I don’t feel good. I’m sure you feel the same. Or maybe you do. Maybe you don’t fare. Me I find it’s really around my menstrual cycle. I find that I feel most needy and I use needy in a positive way. Because again, I think that if you’re seen as needing something it’s viewed as a deficit or vulnerability, but I see it as as neutral or positive like meeting. Love is not does not mean something’s wrong with me. But I need more attention. I want more attention. I won’t more love, and I want more physical affection right before I get my period. I don’t I don’t have that. No. But I really notice it, but I’m able to ask for it. Yeah. And for me, I think my insecurities fluctuate more around probably where you’re going or or what you’re doing not so much recently. But in years gone by especially when you first started traveling extensively with work and speaking to these sea level executives about sex in the relationships, you’re having conversations with people at events. Where you let your mind run amok. And when I think it’s like, googling when you think there’s something wrong with you. It’s the worst thing you can do and let your mind wander when you have an insecurity as opposed to trying to address it in a positive manner with your partner are two very different things. I let my mind go freak out. I had the discussion with you. Hopefully, it gets better. Yeah. And I think sometimes you can do preventative work with your partner as well. Where and I notice you do this babe. And I’m sure I do it too. Without really, realizing it you offer reassurance. Just in the way, you talk bite, you drop little things to let your partner know that. I’m telling a story about someone that I met that is really fabulous and really impressive and lives the exciting life, and I can see that something like that make you wonder, oh, do you want that life? Are you interested in that person? And then you drop I’ll drop something that lets you know that you have nothing to worry about do. Do you find that you do that? Or I do that. I think so I also think that I I can tell you with absolute sincerity that there is no person that I would want to switch places with that. I am so appreciative of the life that I have and the things that I have had. And I also incorporate I. Want to incorporate you into the things that I’m experiencing the stories that I’m telling and I think that when I do that it also conveys it reinforces this idea to me how important you are to me, and it reinforces to other people. How important you are to me? It’s interesting. They say that what you say when your partner isn’t listening can be as important as what you say to them. And I know that anytime I meet a new friend of yours or a client or anyone you work with. They so often say Brandon talk so much about you Braden speak.
00:25:04 – 00:30:03
So highly about you, and it is really affirming, and it’s not that I’m worried, and maybe I never get worried because I’m always hearing those type of messages, I also think that our relationship we keep we we’re always trying to be the best versions of ourselves. It doesn’t always work out that way, but we always are making the effort. So the stories that I tell often involve you because. We’re going on in adventure or were going out for dinner or were doing something exciting that I wanna share with other people so that constant desire to improve and better and to enjoy life together means that the stories do involve you. I’m only talk like this. I I don’t want to communicate that things are perfect because. Not perfect two nights ago was not a good night for us. No. I mean, we got into a doozy of an argument and that happens with us. I notice we very rarely get to be alone in our house. This is five and a half days alone. And I can’t remember it’s been years since we’ve had five and a half days alone. And I do notice though, if we do get a couple of days alone, we tend to fight, and I think that it has to do with the release of tension ’cause we’re holding back, and we need to be more mindful of that and do a little bit better. Not hold it in, and we do it because we just don’t have the space or the privacy to engage in some of the little conversations oftentimes we will sit in the car in the garage sometimes to talk to say the arguments were let’s go into the car in the garage to turn it on. And the sound proofing of our car. Have is we have an argument. But you’re right. We do we got into a fight the other day and argument, and it was weird to have that argument at a normal voice level in our house because we often are suppressing that whispering. Yeah. And when you’re doing something physiological to your body when you’re dealing with a distressful emotion, whether it’s anger frustration or jealousy, or insecurity, or whatever. It is. I’m feeling when you physio logically alter your natural response. It makes it hard to really processed the emotions as well. So if we were to take it back to I shook hurry, we started talking about this. Because I wanted to talk about how normal it is to feel insecure. It is a universal experience to want to feel desired. And of course, everybody’s desire for how they experience being wanted or receiving affirmation is different. So some of you will say, well, I don’t need attention from other men. That’s cool. She saying that’s what she’s like. Okay. So she’s different than you. And when we judge other people were ultimately judging ourselves, I think that people who spend time criticizing other people’s relationships are oftentimes avoiding looking in their own closet. But I’m sure you should isn’t listening. But if she were I just wanted to know that I have her back Brennan has your back, and I think our listeners have her back to so. Yeah, I think it’s an important message for all of us that no matter what you’re feeling. It’s okay. You’re human best life, and she’s owning it. I bet you bitchy. They’ve got they’ve had some great conversations. Right. And there are Brandon thousands and thousands of mean tweets and memes making fun of her making fun of her being desperate for attention. And many of these are rooted in the misogyny, and I think the jealousy. I think for men it can be very difficult that you’ve never got to feel desired because it feels good to be desired. Whether it’s for your mind for your power for your success for your personality for your body for your sexual prowess. And we’ve created this culture in which women are supposed to be sexually desired. But then when we had mitt that we enjoy it which has ties for it in that that self is is rooted in the misogyny of our culture. So let’s let’s tear it down. I wish people that were tweeting those and making those comments took a step back for just a moment. And thought about that, you know what? In fact, I think it’s important to think about celebrities as human beings, Mike cousin may favorite cousin. Anna went to school with the son of an NBA player, and I won’t bother mentioning the name a different NBA player big big name as well. Someone who I’ve in fact been a fan of since he played in college college basketball when I was in probably high school at the time. And so Anna went to school with the sun, and I guess the mom cheated on the debt, and so they’re celebrities. So it was in the newspaper, and I’m sure it was on every program all over the Twitter verse and whatnot. And I don’t know how it came up. I think we actually saw the woman at a restaurant maybe last month and Anna was saying that it was hard for the kid as a teenager like being a teenager isn’t hard enough. F- that everybody knew their family business and felt entitled to talk about it because they’re celebrities.
00:30:03 – 00:31:33
So these are human beings where there are many human beings impacted by this somebody talking smack about one of your parents online, and and being privy to that information garbage man, it’s already hard enough to be in high school. It’s already hard enough to deal with your own family’s drama and politics and challenges. But to be a superstar that’s another level. They are a billion light years away in many ways, and we don’t get it. So we need to have a little bit more empathy all around maybe the next time before you tweet or comment and make that nasty mentioned about not person take a moment to think about the impact that that might have on not just that person. But everybody else that’s involved in their lives. And I I don’t think you listening are doing that. I think that we just need to spread that message for everyone else to be just a little a little more kind a little bit more empathetic. And we’ll leave it at that. I show we got your back, folks. Thank you for listening. And thank you to desire resorts in cruises for your support. You know, desire resort changed my life way back in two thousand six I think it’s a really interesting experience for couples to explore. So check them out on social media at desire experience. Thanks for chatting with me, babe. Awesome. Have great week, folks. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.
