May 31, 2019
Help! I Can’t Orgasm With My Partner
Jess and Brandon respond to a listener who can orgasm on her own, but not with her partner. They share tips, insights, personal stories as well as practical mindfulness strategies you can try tonight.
Please find a rough transcript of this podcast below…
Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast.
We’re going to talk about orgasms today. We have a question from a listener.
“I have been having trouble orgasming with a partner, but by myself, it’s extremely easy. I have tried to add sex toys when I’m with my partner (which is the usual way I orgasm on my own), but that didn’t even work. He feels insecure since he can’t make me orgasm and I’m embarrassed.”
First – you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your orgasm is for you. It’s not about your partner — unless you’re playing with that fantasy specifically — often in a kinky way. You might allow your partner to take control of your orgasm.
One example might involve orgasm denial. It can be — with consent.
Orgasm denial is often practiced as BDSM and it involves maintaining arousal without allow orgasm to follow. You might bring your partner to the brink and then pull back and stop altogether. And then you can continue to repeat. You might use your hands or body or you might use chastity belts or cock cages to prevent simulation of the genitals.
Some people create a whole scene or experience around orgasm denial and others simply play with it in passing. They might tease their partner that they’re going to pull back and not let them orgasm.
But back to the question.
Let’s begin with the basics. Your partner doesn’t really give you an orgasm. They might be a part of the process, but your body — with your brain at the helm — gives you an orgasm. They can physically and mentally be a part of the stimulation process, but ultimately, it’s your nerve endings that communicate with the brain and it’s your brain that fires in multiple regions. And then at orgasm, your brain’s center of reason and behavior (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex just behind your left eye) actually shuts down momentarily allowing your animalistic needs to overpower any reservations or preoccupations.
When you can orgasm on your own, but not with a partner, oftentimes it’s because you do something physically different on your own. You use toys, you use your hands, you rub on the outside, you contort your body in a natural way, you breathe differently when you’re on your own and it facilitates orgasm easily. But then when you get with a partner, you change it up. You’re more focused on penetration, you move your body for their pleasure, you control your body at different angles, you hold your breath, you hold back or exaggerate your sounds and all of those physical activities simply don’t lead to orgasm.
If this is the case, you’ll want to bring your masturbation practices — the angles, the toys, the techniques into your partnered play and replicate them. And this will likely lead to orgasm.
In your case, however, you use toys to orgasm and you’ve already tried bringing them in to partnered play, so you likely need to consider another angle: And that’s performance pressure.
If you’re doing the exact same things with your partner as you do when you’re alone and you still can’t enjoy an orgasm when your partner is present, it’s likely a matter of mindset, mood and pressure.
So first — I want you to remove the physical barriers to orgasm. Is is the way you’re positioned? Move into the position you use when you masturbate most often and have your partner work around you. Is it the setting? Try to replicate the setting in terms of location, lighting, temperature, what you’re wearing. Again, have your partner work around you. Is it the physical sensations? When you use a toy alone, how do you do it? Can you show your partner with your hand? If you’re using the toy that always leads to orgasm, is there something else they’re doing that you find distracting? Maybe they’re flicking your nipples or looking you in the eye or kissing you in a way that detracts from the sensations. Show them what you like. Tell them what you like. And don’t worry about your orgasm yet. Just focus on your pleasure.
Then — you need to rid yourself of performance pressure. If you’re hung up on having on an orgasm, you become focused on the goal and it draws your mind away from the present. If you’re thinking about whether or not you’ll orgasm, you can’t think about the way their hands, lips or a toy feel against your body. If you’re worried about what they’re thinking, you can’t possibly enjoy the pleasure sensations.
Similarly, if you’re thinking about how you look, worried about what they’re thinking, preoccupied with how you sound — all of these elements detract from presence. And you will not enjoy sex to its full extent and you’re unlikely to orgasm if you’re not present. Remember that in order for the the lateral orbitofrontal cortex to shut down, you have to let go. You have to allow your brain and body to do their thing, but if you’re putting pressure on your body to perform, it simply cannot.
It’s easy to say, don’t think about orgasm – just enjoy the pleasure. But it’s not always easy to do. But you have to learn because when you worry about orgasm and then you don’t orgasm, you create a negative feedback loop and the worry and distress probably increases each time.
So, you have many options to let go of performance pressure. The practice of mindfulness with physical exercises and sensations is probably your best bet. You can go back and listen to the episode on Tantra with Amina Peterson she walks you through a body scan.
You can practice mindfulness with an app like Headspace. You can take my online course on Mindful Sex which focuses on the emotional elements of presence, the sensations of presence as well as touch activities you can do that are non-sensual to help you connect with your body.
And these partnered activities — like the hand caress and the face caress — can help prime your body to be at ease not only with itself, but with your partner. I’ll give you a summary — take ten minutes and get comfortable. Clear the room of distractions. And close your eyes. Have your partner touch your hands and forearms gently for sensual pleasure. It’s not sexual — it’s about developing physical connections and learning to take pleasure. All you do is sit there, breathe and enjoy the sensations. Notice the texture, the temperature, the rhythm, the pressure, the movement, the sounds, the energy. Take note of what you feel in your body as you breathe deeply and indulge in taking pleasure. When your mind wanders or if you feel pressure or self consciousness, notice the experience or distraction and simply bring your mind back to the present moment and tune into the sensations.
Exercises like this aren’t going to give you an orgasm — unless you have very sensitive hands — but it can be helpful to learn to be mindful of emotions and physical sensations outside of the bedroom before you try to transfer these practices into the bedroom.
By practicing a hand caress, you’re training your partner to touch you for touch’s sake — as opposed to touching you with a specific goal in mind. They’re touching you for your pleasure — not for their own achievement. And you’re learning to feel the sensations in your body. You’ll learn to redirect your thoughts to your body’s experience instead of worrying about your body’s performance.
In our Mindful Sex course, we walk you through breathing exercises, visualizations, sensual touch activities, emotional presence activities and sexual touch approaches with videos, audio guides and worksheets. The goal isn’t just to have hotter sex, but to shift the way you move through life and the way you approach your partners. These exercises are calming, they’re grounding and they can help to address feelings of worry and anxiety on a daily basis.
You can find the course at HappierCouples.com.
And if you’re not interested, that’s okay too. But try the hand caress to begin with. Most of us don’t sit still and receive pleasure for ten minutes without feeling the need to reciprocate, so it’s good practice and of course, it feels good too.
Taking us back to orgasming with a partner, it’s likely that you’ll need to learn to be more in the moment and enjoy pleasure in your body without pressure. Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure and if your partner is putting pressure on you to orgasm, not only are they decreasing the chances of it actually happening, but they’re likely detracting from their own pleasure as well.
There is also a flip side to honing in on the sensations of the present moment in order to increase your chance of having an orgasm: Some people find that when they fantasize, they feel more present.
This may sound like a contradiction to everything I’ve just said, but some people find that they can tune into their bodies more intensely when they allow their mind to escape from reality. In other words, they take their mind away to some hot, sexual fantasy land and this gets them really aroused. Once they’re really aroused – the oxytocin and adrenaline floods their body, their inhibitions drop, performance pressure is assuaged and they can feel the physical sensations more intensely. So they take their mind away first in order to be able to bring it back to the present. I’ve heard some people call this approach a crutch, but if it works for you, don’t worry about categorizing it. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you experience pleasure. It doesn’t matter how you orgasm. Just do what feels good for you.
So I wish you luck. Hopefully you can:
- Change what you’re doing physically to match what you do on your own
- Practice mindfulness to reduce the performance pressure
- Or fantasize to escape from reality momentarily and this too can reduce performance pressure and allow you to really enjoy the moment.
I think you’ve got this.
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This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Help! I Cant Orgasm With My Partner
00:00:05 – 00:05:13
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast, sex, and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr just podcast. I’m your co host Brandon wear, and I’m still here, your friendly neighborhood, sexologist jus-. Oh riley. And today, we are going to talk about orgasms daylight those. I’m a fan. I’m a fan. How will you describe your orgasm? Orgasmic. I don’t know. How do you describe it as like feels like a release? Very pleasurable on the pleasure. Scale one to ten the most pleasurable thing you’ve ever felt being ten. The lease pleasurable being one where to orgasm set. Rate up at the top. I’m not a super expressive person. What that’s not true. I don’t remember things. Well, that’s my problem. So if you were to ask me, how my last orgasm, I couldn’t tell you, I know it felt real good. That was about the best. I’m able to express the sensation of my orgasm is there anything that feels as good as orgasm to you. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. I know you don’t like food as much as me. Have you ever had a meal that no not even close? What about wine or beer watch? And it’s not as though. I’m this one dimensional person who’s just like orgasms or bust. I can’t think of anything that has the same physiological sensation like an orgasm and some are a lot better than others. But I have this, I my whole body just tenses. So I think because I’m such a tense person to begin with that the relax Asian, that follows the orgasm is the reason why it stands out such a human experience. So it’s your version of progressive relaxations during progressive relaxation, you’ll tense up part of your body, just so that you can relax it. Because if you tell somebody to relax their body. It can be a real challenge. But if you let them tense up first, then they can experience the contrast since Asians. So that’s what you do you get super super tents and then experience a real release only without thinking about. From a scientific perspective. I’m Bo to engage him. Progressive relaxation right now. I think that’s what ruins it if you start thinking about it. And that’s, that’s actually what we’re going to be talking about today. I don’t have that problem. I don’t think that much about things while I’m in the moment. Well, that’s a good thing. But you do deal with interest of thought symbol, talk about that I definitely deal with intrusive, thoughts. So our question from our listener is I have been having trouble orgasms with a partner, but by myself, it’s really easy. I have tried to add sex toys, when I’m with my partner, which is the usual way. I orgasm on my own, but that didn’t even work he feels insecure since he can’t make me orgasm and I’m embarrassed. Well, I you definitely don’t have anything to be barest about your orgasm is for you. It’s not about your partner unless you’re playing with that specific fantasy in kinky way you might actually allow your partner to take control of your orgasm would have to interrupt. What do you mean by that? Exactly. Of course. I took us off topic. I was thinking about orgasm denial. Okay. I don’t know if I tell me more because I don’t like idea of somebody denying me, an orgasm. Well, we’re Gazza denial is it’s often practiced as part of Bedia Sam, so bondage discipline dominance submission SADO masochism. So kinky sex ended involves maintaining arousal off in a high level arousal of arousal, without allowing orgasm to follow. So you might bring your partner to the brink of orgasm, and then pull back or stop altogether. And then you might continue you might repeat it. You might use your hands or your body toys, but you might also use chastity belts, or Caucasians to prevent stimulation of the genitals talk about bringing somebody to the brink of Gaza, but not orgasm eight. And I learned about this last week while I was edging during a volunteer event. If you remember I was using this, this, what is a shovel and gardening at a senior’s home with my real estate company, and with Justice company and I’m edging. Around this planter around this plant and Jess, of course, comes over and says, oh, your edging, and I said, yes, I am edging and then she kind of giggles and laughs and is like, do you know what that is, and I said to her clearly, not, because I’m here with a bunch of elderly folks, and this has become somehow sexual edging often involves bringing yourself to the brink of orgasm in pulling yourself back.
00:05:13 – 00:10:09
You might if orgasm is a ten you might go up to a six and then back down to a two than up to a seven then back down to two than up to an eight Tim back down to three up to a nine whatever pattern works for you, and it can be fun, so it can be a part of or similar to orgasm denial, and with orgasm denial. Some people will create a whole scene, or sexual experience around the denial of orgasm and others. I think we’ve done this you kind of play with it in passing. So I might tease you that if you’re not good. I’m going to pull back and not let you finish. And so we might make just a part of a small injection into our sex play. You don’t look amused. No, I, I, I think that we have done it without really thinking about it. And maybe more I’m more aware of the, of the term in playing and having fun with it like I mean, we have done it. So I think we should go back to the question because I totally took us. Yes. Someplace out my planter talk, what I was saying, is that, you know, you you’re more responsible for your orgasms. So your partner doesn’t really give you an orgasm, they might be a part of the process, but your body with your brain at the helm is, what really produces the orgasms. So your partner can physically and mentally be a part of the stimulation. But ultimately, it’s your nerve endings that communicate with the brain, and it’s your brain that fires in multiple regions, and then there’s a reflex, response, and then right at orgasm. Your brain’s center of reason and behavior. So the lateral orbital frontal cortex that’s the area just behind the left. I it actually shuts down momentarily. And this allows your sexual or animalistic needs to overpower any preoccupations, or reservations. I might look a little stupid. When you have an orgasm could some shuts down near my potentially that you’re Otis. But in this case, if you can orgasm on your own, but not with a partner oftentimes. It’s because you do something physically different on your own. So maybe you use your hands use toys, you rub on the outside. You can tort your body in a way that feels good for you. You breathe differently when you’re on your own, and you do the things that naturally, make orgasm arrive. But when you get with your partner, you tend to change it up, you might be more focused on penetration. You might move your body for their pleasure. You might control your body at different angles depending on what you think they wanna see you might hold your breath. You might change the, the sound you make you might hold the back, you might exaggerate them. And all of these physical activities tend to detract from orgasm because you’re doing something for somebody else, or you’re doing something based on perceived expectation in. In of this is the case. It’s a more simple fix you. You wanna bring your masturbation practices, the angles, the toys the positions techniques into your partner play and replicate them, and this will likely lead to orgasm. Now in your case, however, you say you use toys orgasm and you’ve already tried bringing them into partner play. So you might also need to consider another angle. The first was the physical. What are you doing physically different and the second relates to performance pressure? If you are doing the exact same things physically with your partner as you do when you’re alone, and you still can’t enjoy an orgasm when they’re in the room, it’s likely a matter of your mindset your mood, and of course pressure. So, so I, I want you to remove the physical barriers to orgasm. Is it the way your positioned move into the position you use? When you masturbate most often. And have your partner work around? You is it the setting try to replicate the setting in terms of location in lighting temperature and what you’re wearing, maybe you’re more comfortable physically just because of the way the location is set up when you’re by yourself again. Have your partner work around, you is it the physical sensations. When you use these toys on your own. How’d you do it? Can you show your partner with your hand, and if you’re using the toy that always leads to orgasm? Is there something else? They’re doing that you find distracting. Is it are? They flicking your nipples. Are they looking you in the eye and you’re not comfortable are they kissing you in a way that detracts from the good, physical sensations? So show them what you like, tell them what you want.
00:10:09 – 00:15:03
And don’t even worry about your Azam, yet, just focus on your physical pleasure. And then when we. Got the physical taking care of we need to address that performance pressure. If you’re hung up on having an orgasm you become focused on the goal, and it draws your mind away from the present. If, if you’re thinking about whether or not, you’ll orgasm, you can’t think about the way their hands their lips. Or the toy even feel against your body. You can’t think about both of those things. And if you’re worried about what they’re thinking if you worried about their security. You can’t possibly enjoy the pleasure. So part of what I’m telling you is to be more selfish. Be more focused on yourself have an orgasm because it feels good. Don’t have an orgasm because it helps to boost your partners, egos, it, you know, if you’re thinking about how you look or you’re worried about what they’re thinking. If you’re preoccupied with how you sound all of these elements detract from presence, and you will not enjoy sex to its full extent, and. Unlikely to orgasm. If you’re not present. There’s so many things that you said there that I’m sitting here, listening and thinking about them, because it’s got to be really hard, whether you’re in a long-term relationship, or just hooking up with someone tr-, hoping that you both orgasm at the exact same time, like, you know, show or a movie or something like that. Like that’s got to be the performance of angle really hurt. Right. One person needs to orgasmic. Exact same time as the other person. And I think I’ve been preoccupied with that I have been even in the past, and you forget that just because you finish doesn’t mean that you can’t help your partner finish and it doesn’t have to be penetrative sex. And I think the other thing that really resonates with me because I learned so much every time we do these podcasts. Also that the all of this really boils down to communication, if you can’t convey to your partner, what works for you that. Has nothing actually completely outside of the realm of sex, you’re not even having sex you should just be able to express them. I enjoy having sex, but I need to do differently. And if you can’t even have that conversation, you’re another one of you or at least one of you is not ever going to achieve what they’re hoping to achieve, which is an orgasm. And if you think about the lateral or frontal cortex, shutting down at Mark asset that means you have to let go you have to let go of your thoughts, you have to let go of your preoccupations. You have to allow your brain and body to do their thing. But if you put pressure on your body to perform, it’s not going to this, I struggle with that I definitely struggle with being in the moment, and we’ve had sex, where intrusive thoughts have killed my vibe and something I really struggled with, whether it’s worker other things in life that are going on. Sometimes it’s really hard to push those out of your mind. And and again, as a guy, you’re, I know that society paints, a lot of us as just focused on sex, soon as you have it. It’s good, no matter what. And sometimes for me, I have this really weird pattern where I start thinking about something else when it’s happen. And then I think something’s wrong with me for not for having these intrusive, thoughts and being distracted in that snowballs and it gets worse. And then you can’t finish at while not that you can’t finish it’s harder to or maybe you can’t, but it’s harder to finish or it’s hard to stay in the moment. And so do you know what would you do? When you have intrusive thought like we’re gonna be having sex. And then you think about something you have to do at work tomorrow, that that happens or what have to immediately after. I mean, are you asking me what I’ve done? I can’t really remember. I certainly know that I tried to continue. I don’t let that thought this is what works for me. Not for others. I try to refocus on something specifically that I’m feeling in the moment, whether that is touch a site, a sound smell something to try and bring myself back to the moment as opposed to fixating on how I need to send out an Email, or vacuum or fix something in the house, and I can’t fix much. Let’s just go back to Email thing. So that’s exactly what people will advise you to do which is to tune into one specific sensation focus on the way your partners fingers against you.
00:15:03 – 00:20:01
Tune into the temperature close your eyes and think about the sound listen to your partners breath. Tune into your own breath, anything you can do that is focused on one of the five. Senses is going to bring you back to the moment because you can’t you can’t feel physical touch in the past or in the future. You can only feel it right now. Similarly, you can’t here in the past you can’t hear into the future. You can only here right now. So that’s a good strategy. You brought something else up, which is you get frustrated with yourself or you judge yourself for having an intrusive thought you think will what’s wrong with me. And so we all have intrusive thoughts, you can be enjoying the most immersive pleasurable satisfying intimate connection of your life and something pops into your mind. And, and that’s okay. So what we recommend you do. Is you knowledge the thought without judgment? And then you let it float away hope perhaps, by focusing in on one specific since Asian. But if you take that fought and you judge yourself for that thought, so you’re feeling distracted or stressed about something. And then you become even more stressed because you’re mad at yourself. For ruining the moment, we often call that a secondary emotion, right emotion. That’s in response to the original emotion it becomes harder to overcome. So I think it’s important to know that this happens to all of us I mean, I certainly have days where I say, babe, it’s not just going to happen, and sometimes I’m happy to have sex without orgasm earlier. Tertiary thoughts were you get mad over getting mad over getting mad share? Layer upon layer. So, you know, you, it’s easy to say, hey, don’t worry about orgasm. Don’t think about it. Just enjoy the pleasure. But it’s not always easy to do because, but you have to learn right? You have to actually take steps because when you worry about orgasm, and then you don’t orgasm you create a negative feedback loop, and the worry and distress probably increase each time incrementally of what you were describing. So you have you have so many options in terms of letting go of performance pressure, not even thinking about the orgasm, I would say the practice of mindfulness with both emotional practical, breathing and physical exercises in sensation. Exercise is the best way to go. You can go back actually and listen to the episode on taunt tra- with Amina Peterson. I think it was episode seventy five and she walks, you through a body scan which can help you to be more present. But in your body, you can also practice mindfulness with an app. Like head space. You were using head space and Pacifica, used Pacifica, thought it was great did some of the exercises there, whether it was breathing. Or relax Asian response was really helpful. Is there an exercise? You liked that resonated with you, one of the exercises that I know has been talked about a lot. But our chiropractor walked us through a body scan. And the way that she did the body scan with breathing starting off with sixty breaths to change to help change your state just relax to begin with. And then, you know, visualizing the scan I’ve used that repeatedly over the last probably six months, that’s Dr Varsha Tripathi. So I should ask her to create a body scan audio for us. Yeah. Let it up for everyone to use really good. So you have these app options, you can do it on your own. I also have an online course on mindful sex, which you can check out, and it focuses on the emotional elements of presence, the sensations of being mindful as well as partnered touch activities, you can do that are non-sexual to help you connect with your body and. These partnered activities like the hand caress and the face caress can really help to, to prime your body so that you’re more at ease with yourself. But also at ease with your partner because if you’re feeling performance pressure with your partner during sex, leading to orgasm, it’s likely you feel that performance pressure leading up to it as well in other areas. So give you a summary, for example of one of the exercises from the course and we walk through it with an audio guide. But if, if, for example, tonight, you can just take ten minutes and get comfortable clear, the room of distractions close your eyes start breathing and have your partner, just touch your hands caress, your for arms, gently, and slowly end curiously for sensual not sexual pleasure.
00:20:03 – 00:25:06
It’s really about developing physical, physical connection in learning to take pleasure. Because all you do is sit there. You sit you breathe. You enjoy the sensations. You notice the, the texture the temperature rhythm the pressure the movement. The sound of their breath energy between you and your job is to just enjoy take note of what you feel in your body, as you breathe, deeply and indulge in taking pleasure. And if your mind wanders off, or if you feel pressure or any self consciousness, that’s okay, just notice. What you’re feeling. Let go of the distraction, and bring your mind back to the present moment by focusing on what your partner’s skin feels against yours. How do their fingertips feels and exercises like this. I mean they’re not gonna. Give you an orgasm. Unless you have very sensitive hands, but they can be really helpful to help you train your body to be mindful of both emotions and the physical sensations outside of the bedroom. In this, non sexual way before you try to transfer these practices into the bedroom. And by practicing hand caress, for example, you train in your partner to touch, you for touches sake as opposed to touching you with a specific goal in mind. They’re touching for your pleasure. Not for their own achievement and you on the other hand, you’re learning to feel the sensations in your body. You learn to redirect your thoughts to your body’s experience, instead of worrying about it’s suppose performance, and in the mindful sex. Course we walk you through breathing exercises visualization activities. These central touchback titties, we do some emotional presence activities in than we do some sexual touch approaches eventually end, it’s a series of videos, and audio guides worksheets and the goal when we created this wasn’t just to have people having better sex, but to really shift the way you move through life. And the way you approach your partners because these ex. Sizes that build upon one another. They’re calming their grounding, and they can help to address feelings of worry anxiety and pressure. Just on a daily basis outside of sex. One of the challenges that I had was committing to the time to do them. Because in theory, it sounds great, you’re, you’re thinking. Oh, amazing. I’m going to spend five ten twenty minutes doing this, but I don’t have five ten or twenty minutes. But then I started making a conscious decision to allocate that time. And we still I would say, I’m not guilty of doing it anof. But when we have taken the time and are willing to invest, it really does make a big difference. It sounds so hokey at first when you think about it until you practice. And it makes such a difference. And sometimes, you know, you and I do truncated versions. Yeah. We just take two minutes instead of ten I was gonna say sixty seconds, right, sixty seconds. If you can invest sixty seconds a day in this, it’s better than nothing. And the sixty six isn’t necessarily sexual. It could just be that sixty seconds of sex ounce pervert. Oh, you’re going to do a hand. Chris of my genitals. You can do online. If the course isn’t for you. That’s totally okay. But go ahead and try the hand caress to begin with, because most of us, don’t sit still and receive pleasure for ten minutes without feeling the need to reciprocate without worrying about what our partner is feeling. So it’s really good practice. And of course, it feels good to if you wanna learn more about the course or other courses we have online, it’s happier couples dot com. Now, if we take this back to orgasm with a partner, it’s also. Yes. It’s likely that you need to learn to be more in the moment, and enjoy pleasure in your body, without pressure, because pressure is the tip assist a pleasure. And if your partner is putting pressure on you to work Adam, you got we need to speak up to them because not only are they decreasing the chances of orgasm actually happening, but they’re likely detracting from their own pleasure as well. But what about that? Can you play retired K about at the beginning? That’s a little bit different that doesn’t have to do with having trouble orgasms. So I probably shouldn’t conflict, the to what I was saying, in, in my opening was that your orgasm, isn’t your partners responsibility. It’s not on them unless you handed over time. That’s the thing that I think is different is the idea like, I’ve never looked at an orgasm is something I give to somebody else.
00:25:06 – 00:30:03
I always assumed that it’s hell to one I’ve never given. No, I, I don’t know. I mean maybe one day. Well, no. But the idea that I’m giving you that I really think that I may be able to facilitate or help. But ultimately, you are the one responsible for knowing what works for you. It’s true. You’re just a prop. I I’m, I’m a pylon. I’m literally here for no reason. Right. You’re right there. And I don’t think it’s always the sway, but I do think in hetero relationship. Sometimes there is pressure from men to have orgasms when they’ll ask pressure from men on women, they’ll say, like did you come yet? Did you come yet? Did you come yet and that that, you know, for many of us that crushes vibe? To total mood destroyer. Right. I think listen it’s normal to wanna be feel validated. It’s normal to want to know that your partners enjoying themselves. But I don’t think that we want the standard of sexual pleasure to only be orgasm because sometimes we’re not gonna have an orgasm. Sometimes we don’t wanna let go with our brain. And we also don’t want to be told to let go sometimes you can have sex for the sake of sex for the intimate touch for the connection for the feeling of being next year body, your partner’s body. There are lots of reasons to have sex other than orgasm, and it’s also okay to not have an orgasm, and there’s also a flipside to what I just talked about in terms of mindfulness because what what we’re saying here is fixed the physical part do what you do when you masturbate. Secondly, let go performance pressure in one of the best ways to do that as mindfulness. But the flip side is that some people find that when they fantasize and take themselves to a far off land, that’s a way to. Themself back to the present. So that might sound like a contradiction to everything we’ve just said. But really some people find that they can tune into their bodies more intensely when they allow their mind to escape from reality. And in other words, they take their mind away to some hot sexual fantasy land, and this gets them really aroused. And once they’re really aroused, the oxytocin and adrenaline, floods their body. And we know that their inhibitions drop distraction, decreases performance pressure is a swathed, and then and then only then can they feel the physical sensations more intensely? So in order to be present, they, I take their mind away. And so they take it away and then they bring it back to the present. And I’ve heard some people say, oh, no. This approach is crutch. You need to be present. You need to be mindful. But, you know, man, if it works for you don’t worry about categorizing it in the end, it doesn’t matter. Her. How you experience pleasure. It doesn’t matter how you orgasm. Just do what feels good for you. I agree wholeheartedly. I think that the performance of element of it is something that I’ve been guilty of or sorry. Not so much the performance of element as it is the idea that I, I need you or I need that validation. And I think that once I strip away and I understand that you know that validation, if I throw it out the window and just focus on my own pleasure. And then your pleasure or whatever’s most important to me. I guess I meant everyone else should focus pleasure. I not my partner I should continue to. Once you, you poll use stripped, back, those elements, and really understand. I think it will be a lot easier for both people to, to enjoy an again, just because you don’t both come to climax at the same time is doesn’t mean it has to end when one person finishes. I mean, we never have orgasms simultaneously, almost never, I would agree. I not I’ve never felt that pressure to come at the same time. No, usually I’m done. Well in advance, you’re done before you come in the room. That’s how it works. He’s like, I’m good. Unlike good because I’m tired man going to sleep which will I fall asleep then take care of it works for me. So, basically whatever works for you. And I also want to just add one quick note because this is someone who identifies as a woman with a male partner, but it’s not only women who have difficulty reaching orgasm. I’ve been there. Do I need to share my story? Yeah. Do you want to or no I’ve faked? I have faked on medication once and I just could not finish so it in your hand on the back. I didn’t go that far. But thanks. You’re giving me ideas. No man, I was on some meds, and I was probably an my Ruta Lee early twenty and I just couldn’t I just couldn’t finish.
00:30:03 – 00:35:09
But again, looking back now I needed. I felt that, that vow I needed to validate. I needed that my partner to feel comfortable, so I didn’t know how to like, I’m just not gonna finish. This is not going to work. So I was like, oh, yeah. So good. Oh, yeah. And I probably like, gyrated a bunch, and then was saying something to the effect of. Thanks. That was great. Yeah. Mazing kanda. Yes. Okay. So then you didn’t have to have the visual not that a jocular orgasm or the same thing, but they tend to occur simultaneous. I didn’t have to do what you said, what was it? Spitting everywhere. Did you spend their hand and then throw it on their back just? Yeah. No. I didn’t do that Spiderman it spider manning. But I did I didn’t, and I didn’t know how to convey to them communicate to them that I couldn’t. And then on top of that. I don’t think I let that person know that I was on medication that that was hindering me from there’s so many layers there that I was probably uncomfortable. I didn’t want to have the conversation or wasn’t comfortable having it. So there were a lot of variables at play. And when we first met, I think there was a time. You said you weren’t gonna finish the it was probably on the same meds. Right. But you just told me and I was like, well I’m not really here for us. Well, good. You’re glad we had this chat. Now, let’s get back to business. So I yeah, it’s not necessarily a matter of gender or genitalia. And even today, babe do you have days where you have more difficulty? Finishing or were you feel more distracted? Is this the Brandon bears all show you what it is? I’m just messing around. I completely have intrusive thoughts. Most of them have over over the years have been about work, or other stresses in my life. And then I did I do snowball or have that I just know ball. The fact where I think something’s wrong. And then I think maybe there’s a bigger issue at play when in reality is just stress and some days, it’s like that you don’t have to have sex all the time. It doesn’t always have to be a ten and if it doesn’t work out in the way that you expected it to work out. It’s just not a big deal. I agree. And then again, it just because I’m just because I’ve experienced that or if one person is experiencing, it doesn’t mean that the other partner has to be. Restricted or hindered from if that’s the goal also experiencing an orgasm on their end. Yeah, I do find that since we created the mindfulness course it’s forced me to make sure that I’m practicing more of what I preach. So I sleep better. I can get more into the mood even if I’m not in the mood immediately, I have my strategies to get myself there to bring myself back to the president, and I find it really helps but I’ve definitely struggled over the last couple of months are for those of you that follow are follow. Jess in her Instagram or mine are dog passed away. And she was really, really special and important to me. And I’ve really struggled. I’m sure with a right now thinking about it. Having sit making that statement and for the first couple of weeks after she left us. I really struggled and getting in the moment for just about anything was hard and you wear this this, there’s this facade. Saw that you carry or that I carried around interacting with others, and that definitely translated or carried itself over into our relationship in on into into Sachs’s as well. And I found those intrusive thoughts were really, really hard and they still are at times. I remember feeling guilty because she passed on Wednesday and then we had sex on a Friday morning. And I don’t know if we talked about this yet, but I remember feeling as though should we be doing this right now? Should I still be morning her because we are quite devastated. And I think I felt guilty enjoying pleasure. While I was also grieving, and I mean, I’m still grieving still pretty pretty bad. But I do remember feeling really conflicted on that Friday because it felt too soon, and we were sort of half asleep, when we did it, which is amazing. Sleet. The best of both worlds for you. You love your sleep at you love affects a hamburger in bed, the trifecta. Burger or steak, even French properly food in your hands and a little bit of sex have the food like maybe half chewed for. Ruminating animals anyhow, let’s go back to to this question. So I really believe you’re not gonna have an issue learning to orgasm more consistently when you’re with your partner. Hopefully, you can change what you’re doing physically to match what you do, when you’re by yourself because you obviously know, your body, hopefully, you can also practice some mindfulness exercises to reduce the poor performance pressure.
00:35:09 – 00:36:13
Or maybe you can just fantasize to escape from reality momentarily, and this, too can reduce performance pressure and allow you to really enjoy the moment. I think you’ve got this are so we’re gonna leave it at that say a big thank you to desire resort. Check them out at desire experience for their ongoing support. We are heading to desire, probably in the summer, and then, of course, we’re heading on their cruise to the south of France Spain and it Lee in September, and then they have the red carpet crews coming up in may. So please check that out at desire experience. Thanks for doing this, babe. Thanks for Sharon. Open book, Brandon I now I can see in your eyes that you weren’t expecting it. I was not. But I always enjoy sharing with all of your listeners. Expos wherever you’re at a great one. You’re listening to the sex with Dr jazz podcast improve your sex life. Improve your life.