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April 5, 2019

Sex Q&A: Anal, Hot-Wifing, Sexless Marriages & Much More

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Jess and Brandon answer your questions: Is it normal to want your wife to be a hot-wife? Should I use an enema before anal? What should I do if I can’t get it in? Can a sexless marriage work? Can a couple really recover after cheating? How do I know if I should call it quits on a relationship? And many, many more.

Please see a rough transcript below.

Thank you to Desire Resorts & Desire Cruises for their support. Be sure to check them out because they offer a clothing-optional couples experience that is unlike any other.

To celebrate our 100th episode, we started answering 100 of your questions last week and we continue this week:

39. Is there really a way to move past a cheating partner?

Yes. If the one who cheated is not making excuses and is willing to do the work. And if the one who didn’t cheat agrees that they’ll be vulnerable and honest about what they feel AND not use the cheating as a weapon moving forward (e.g. in arguments unrelated to cheating).

40. How can you introduce compromise to a partner who always believes their way is the right way?

You compromise first. It’s disarming. If you take an issue that you’re fighting about and say mea culpa – I need to change. The angriest, most stubborn person will likely follow suit.

41. How do you know enough is enough, and you’re just running your own race?

If your partner isn’t willing to put in effort to make the relationship work – this might be a sign that you’re not able to become compatible. Having said that, just because they won’t put in the same type of effort you put in doesn’t mean it’s on them to conform to your expectations. But if you’ve tried to work on the relationship from multiple angles – by talking, by arguing, by going to therapy, by completing self-help programs together, by carving time out and you’ve tried a variety of approaches and asked them how they’d like to work on it AND they’re open to none of them, you’re in a relationship with yourself. Try asking them: do you want to work on this relationship and make it better? If they say yes, ask them how they’d like to work on it.

42. Can a man’s semen stink if they drink beer? Is there something that causes women to have a funny smell?

Yes. We don’t have scientific evidence that what you eat and drink changes your taste or smell, but we have so many anecdotal reports that I simply can’t ignore. Diets high in fruits and veggies and supposed to increase sweetness and preservatives, smoking and alcohol have been said to change the taste so that it’s more bitter. And when someone ejaculates inside of you, it can absolutely change the way you smell, but the self-cleaning oven will clean it out. And again, always get tested — regardless of whether or not you’re using condoms.

43. How tall are you?

5’4″

44. How do you get brave enough to try new things in the bedroom?

Start slow and small. Try it next to the bed instead of in the bed. Then move to the shower and add silicone based lube because you’ll need it in there. Try whispering a few words right before orgasm when your inhibitions are lower. When you get more turned on, the chemical shifts in your body help you to be less self conscious and more confident. And don’t feel pressure to do everything. The tiniest change can have the biggest impact.

45. Can sex still be healthy if it is quick, under 15 minutes all the time?

That’s way longer than average. Porn sex lasts so long that our expectations become unrealistic. But if it’s not long enough for you, think about other things you can do – with your hands, your mouth, your toys. Don’t get hung up on intercourse. There is a reason lesbian women have more orgasms that straight women – they’re not hung up on the D.

46. How can you tell if your husband’s sex drive is going down?

Ask them! And be supportive. It’s okay if your interest in sex declines. It’s normal. You often have to get in the mood for sex rather than wait for the mood to strike you. Talking about sexual frequency is a really important conversation, so rather than trying to read between the lines or read their mind, try having a straightforward conversation.

47. Is going to bed at the same time good for a relationship?

I’m guessing this is coming from someone who wants their partner to come to bed with them. Of course going to bed together can be good for the relationship because you can snuggle and maybe even have sex. But going to bed separately can also be good for the relationship because you have to prioritize sex and affection.

48. Can working out boost your sex drive? How about working out together?

Yes. A wealth of data suggests that exercise frequency and sex frequency are positively correlated. We don’t know if more sex leads to more exercise or if it’s the other way around, but I do find with my clients that because exercise improves mood, energy, sleep and stress, it also makes for better, more frequent sex.

49. How long is too long to not have sex?

It just depends on the person. Some people – some asexual folks, for example, never want it and they’re perfectly healthy. Some people feel like it’s too long after a day or two.

50. How tall are you, Brandon?

6 feet tall.

51. Brandon, what’s the hardest part about being married to a sexologist? I’m getting married and going into the field…

52. How to deal with a jealous colleague?

• Be kind and be mindful of their jealousy. If the jealousy relates to money, be sure to plan activities that are accessible and inclusive.
• Bear in mind that jealousy is related to both feelings of insecurity and loneliness, so check in to make sure they feel supported.
• One study found that jealousy leads to increased brain activity in areas associated with social pain and pair bonding in monogamous monkeys, so try to view their jealousy through a lens of empathy for their pain instead of focusing on the inconvenience or irritation it causes you.
• Show your own vulnerability; oftentimes a jealous colleague believes that your life is perfect and when you open up about your own struggles, they may see you as more human.

53. What’s your favourite position?

54. How old are you both?

55. How do you know when your partner is into role play?

Ask them. And if you don’t want to blurt it out over dinner, ask them while you’re watching a show or a movie that depicts role play or makes a joke of it even. Sometimes you can learn through dirty talk. You can just say…Would you like it if I dressed up as a teacher?

56. How do we get out of a sex rut? We like sex, we’re just not in the mood for it.

Understand that sex doesn’t happen on its own. If you wait until you’re in the mood for sex, you might never have it. Like going to the gym, you often have to put yourself in the mood. I’m sure I’ve talked about responsive versus spontaneous desire before, but it’s important to remember that we don’t necessarily walk around horny.

57. What’s a good resource for talking to my 9 ½ year-old about sex?

Amaze has a video series on YouTube. It’s free. Also follow Sex Positive Families for tips and answers to common and varied questions and resources.

58. Is it normal to want your wife to be a hot-wife?

Hot-wifing tends to refer to a husband wanting his wife to have sex with another man. He might enjoy watching and it can work out if she also enjoys this type of experience. There are many reasons you might enjoy this and though hot-wifing is a gendered term, folks of all genders can enjoy watching their partner with another lover. Some are thrilled by the taboo element – taking risks together and coming out feeling more connected can be hot. Others are excited by the empowerment it brings to both partners – for some, it can be a representation of how strong your bond is in the relationship. Evolutionary theorists will suggest that it has to do with sperm competition for men. It can feed your egos in a good way – one partner is validated by being wanted by another lover and the other partner is validated because in the end, their partner still comes home to them. It’s the ‘Save the Last Dance for Me’ theory. So yes – it can be normal, and it can be hot as long as you’re both into it free from pressure.

59. How does a senior keep up with younger partners in bed?

I’m not sure you have to keep up. You might be setting the pace as the rabbit. One thing we know about sex and aging is that it changes for the better. You’re less hung up on one sex act and more likely to use all the tools at your disposal – fingers, tongues, toys, furniture, dirty talk, role play and more. So my best advice is to see sex as multiple acts – it makes it more fulfilling regardless of age.

60. You’ve travelled everywhere, what’s your favourite place to visit?

61. Was Brandon in the Woody’s ads?

62. I met a great guy online, we’ve been on a few dates and he’s really nice to me. But, he’s rude to the waiters and the people behind the counter at the coffee shop. How do I react?

The way they speak to and about their friends and family matters, but so do their daily interactions. If they believe they’re better than others, it’s likely they’re sizing you up to determine whether or not you’re good enough for them too — this isn’t a health foundation for any relationship, so be weary. Moments of fleeting intimacy with strangers (like service staff) can be good for our health too, so they’re missing out on valuable social opportunities by being rude or dismissive; chances are they’ll expect the same of you and you likely want more meaningful interactions in your life — whether single or partnered.

63. Where do you take all those photos in Jamaica on the paddle boards?

64. Should the guy still pay on the first date?

No. Pay if you want to. Split it if you want to. Don’t decide who pays the bill based on what’s hanging between your legs.

65. Can a sexless marriage work?

It can work if you both want it to be sexless. If one wants sex and the other doesn’t, you’ll likely need to open it up into a consensually non-monogamous relationship. In that case, it would be sexless between the two of you, but not sexless altogether because one of you would be having sex with another partner or partners. What doesn’t work is asking your partner to be monogamous and unilaterally declaring that you no longer want sex – either verbally or behaviourally. You absolutely should not feel pressure to have sex if you don’t want to, but you also can’t demand sexual celibacy from a partner and make no attempt to meet one another’s sexual needs.

I’m a lesbian girl. My girlfriend and I tend to have anal love making for the first time. Although we are both STI free, we are afraid of any other disease that may be created from contacting each other’s anus’. So here are our inquiries…

66. What are the hygienic procedures that should be done before anal sex?

Whatever makes you comfortable – you can shower if you’d like in advance. And you can clean the area with water and mild soap on the outside only.

67. Should we evacuate our bowels right before the encounter?

Many people feel more comfortable if they go to the bathroom first, but it’s up to you.

68. My partner suggests an enema before we start, is that a must?

An enema, involves pumping water or saline into the rectum to dissolve any stool that’s hanging out in there. It is a matter of choice and it’s not necessary. If you continue to use enemas there are risks related to muscle function and an imbalance of the electrolytes. I don’t generally believe they’re necessary.

69. I suggest we can use hand sanitizer or wet wipes to clean the anus hole area around and inside, is that okay?

I’d stay away from hand sanitizer and wet wipes because they tend to contain alcohol. Just use water and a mild, un-fragranced soap.

70. Should we defecate after anal?

You don’t need to poo after anal the way you should pee after vaginal intercourse.

71. Will our posterior holes remain wide or will they be wider when practicing anal play? If the answer is yes, how do we avoid it?

It will remain expanded for a few minutes and then go back to normal. Just as it can expand to allow poo to be expelled and then go back to normal when you’re done.

72. Could she kiss me or I kiss her deeply in the mouth after analingus?

Don’t kiss in the mouth after licking a butt hole. You can transfer bacteria. You can also use a dental dam or latex glove for analingus.

73. Can we use whip cream or yogurt inside the anus hole the same way we would lick ice cream?

I would avoid whipped cream and yogurt and ice cream on the inside, but you can use it around the outside.

74. How far should we go inside (the anus) with my fingers, tongue or toys?

That’s up to you! You probably want to start with a small object like a finger and then work your way up to larger toys with flared bases. Please check out my anal sex podcast #72 – All About Anal.

75. Can we do it vaginally if we do it anally, and which one should come first?

Vaginal first and then anal because of the bacterial risk. You can also use new condoms.

76. Do we need to tell our gynaecologists?

That’s a good question. The more info your doctor has, the better, so please do tell them.

77. What if we can’t get it in the hole?

You don’t have to. You can just play on the outside. And most of us learn best if we try it on ourselves first and really get comfortable with penetration. Take a few slow, deep breaths and play with yourself or your lover in a way that is more familiar and relaxing. When you’re nervous, anxious or uncomfortable, your muscles contract making penetration next to impossible.

Once you’re a bit more relaxed and aroused, use your hands to spread your butt cheeks and add some extra lube to your pucker. Push outwards as though you’re trying to go to the bathroom as you slide a small object (like a finger or the tip of a butt plug) inside. It may seem counterintuitive, but as you bear down with your anal muscles, you’ll actually facilitate entry as your muscles expand to open your pucker around the inserted object.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Sex Q&A: Anal, Hot-Wifing, Sexless Marriages & Much More

00:00:05 – 00:05:04

You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sex and relationship advice, you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr just podcast. I’m Brandon, and we are continuing to celebrate the hundred episode threshold that we passed last week. So this would be episode number one. Oh one and we were trying to get through one hundred questions, and maybe we need to up down to one hundred one to the we celebrate that hundred three hundred and first let’s just see if we can get through all of these. Well, it would be great to get through and power through all these questions because we have so many to get through. Yeah. And that’s not something I’m making up people send me so many questions. I don’t think they’re all four the podcast of them come on on social media as well. But we do appreciate your questions. And of course, I can’t answer every single one privately because then I go into a loop typing with follow up questions and so on but we’re doing our best here. And before we dive right in picking up where we left off last week. I want to say a big thank you to desire resorts and desire cruises for their continued support. Sure to check them out because they have these adults only clothing optional experiences. Like, none other. So let’s jump in. Then questions answers banter. I’m going to do my best to answer. All these words. So where we are is questionable thirty eight. Is there really a way to move past cheating partner? Or I mean that probably depends on who the partners are now. I think if you were to speak for yourself. That’s how you would feel. I would I would have a difficult time. I mean, I would have difficulty with period. But I also think that the social component would be really challenging because there’s judgment. I don’t know why. But I mean, I do know why. But there’s constant judgment from every angle because they all have perfect relationships while I mean, look at Instagram everyone’s relationship in life is is perfect at all times. Yeah. So okay question number thirty nine how can you introduce compromise to a partner who has never had to who believes that their way is the right way in won’t budge. My short answer. Is that you compromise. I you show them what you are willing to do you show them that you are willing to make some sort of compromise on your own end because it’s disarming. And if you if you take an issue that you’re fighting about and just say may culpa, I need to change I’m willing to work on this. I think even the most angry stubborn person will follow suit. And when you’re asking this question. I also think it’s important to always consider what you’re projecting about your own behavior as well. So do you struggle with compromises well? Moving on. How do you know when enough is enough and you’re just running your own race? And I’m assuming this is in reference to relationships this question. So just a reminder that this is a lightning round. So I’m going to give you my short short hand version. You know, if your partner isn’t willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work, I’d say this is the sign that maybe you’re you’re not able to become compatible. Now having said that just because they won’t put in the same type of effort that you put in doesn’t mean that it’s on them to conform to your expectations. So what I mean by this is if you’ve tried to work on the relationship from multiple angles in multiple ways, maybe you try talking you try arguing you try therapy. Maybe you go through some self help programs or books, maybe you carve out time. And if you’ve tried a wide variety of coaches approaches, and you’ve asked them how they would like to work on it. And they’re not open to any of them. I’d say you’re in a relationship with yourself and enough is enough. So I would start with asking them. Do you wanna work this out? Do you want to work on this relationship in make it better? If they say, no. Oh, you have your answer. If they say, yes. I would ask them. Okay. How do you want to work on it? How do you propose we work on it? Because it’s not working right now. I think people have the DEA that the perfect relationship or the relationship with your, quote, unquote, soul mate is easy at all times. And that they don’t and they shouldn’t have to invest into the relationship when it’s the perfect soulmate. But I’ve actually found the opposite. It’s a willingness and desire to work on it that actually makes the relationship so much better you, and I often talk about how relationship takes work and number of people don’t like that language, and I think that has to do with our actual work our business work because we love our work. I really do. Enjoy the work. I do I know you really enjoy the work. You do I think that we don’t see work as a pejorative or as something negative.

00:05:04 – 00:10:03

So maybe if that language doesn’t work for you. Then it’s alterly- about effort. And so if they’re not putting in the effort. Yeah. Perhaps enough is enough and not every relationship is intended to last forever relationships can be hard. But they can also be very very fruitful when you can reap the rewards of satisfying relationship. Okay. Next question is commands semen stink. If they drink beer or whatever. And is something that causes women to have a funny smell that. I hope I read that crap that question correctly. I think they mean if the semen doesn’t smell good can affect the smell of the woman’s vagina. He Jackie interesting. Okay. I did not interpret that the way it should have. So so yes, we don’t have scientific evidence that what you eat and drink changes, your taste or smell. But we have so many anecdotal reports, and I simply can’t ignore them. And so what we hear from people who consider themselves semen or vaginal fluids, super tasters. So people who have had sex with multiple partners people who have sex for a living who are sex workers porn stars. They’ll tell you that diets high in fruits. Veggies are supposed to increase the sweetness. And if you have a diet, high, in preservatives, or you’re smoking cigarettes or consuming alcohol that has been said to change the taste. So that it’s more bitter and win someone Jackie -letes inside of you. It can absolutely change the way you smell. But if we’re talking about of Jonah here, it’s a self cleaning oven it will clean itself out. So yes, not gonna last long again, always get tested. If somebody is Jack leading inside of you if you’re having sex without condoms, regardless actually, regardless even if you are using condoms makes you get tested that is part of safer. Sex fueling the super taster angle. There is so different. You know, are you super taster OEM? I am in what semen. Yeah. And how do you get that moniker? And how do you also get jobs? I don’t think it goes on your resume. Okay. Just like I don’t tell any potential client that I’m a super Tuscan super taster. Yeah. I don’t talk about wine and interviews they probably don’t talk about semen or next question is eat. Easy. How taller you me? Yeah. That’s I’m assuming it’s for you. Not for me. Oh, I’m I think about five five five four if I wear heels I’m six three four I look much taller than I am. How do you brave enough to try new things in the bedroom? I’m so uneducated in ways keep it fun that the advice scares me. Okay. I think that’s fair and probably a common experience. Sawyer say starts slow in small if you want to change locations, don’t go straight for the laundry room or the car. Try it next to the bed instead of in the bed, then maybe move into the shower, and maybe you because you’re having sex in the shower you add a silicone based lube because you’re going to need it in there. So it’s little bit set a time. You don’t have to do everything all at once anything in life and in business. That’s why many of us fail because we wanna do everything all at once. I see people doing this with diet. They say, oh, I’m cutting out meat and sugar and carbs, and gluten and all of these things all at once. And so I asked why not just cut one thing. And don’t let it be gluten I love my gluten baby steps baby steps. So, you know, try whispering. A few words in there year right before Oregon’s umn. And if it’s right before orgasm. You’ll find that your inhibitions are lower because of the adrenaline and oxytocin flooding, your your body, and you’ll be less self conscious more confident, and and don’t feel pressure to do everything just tiny little changes have a big impact. So in terms of being brave, maybe even turn down the lights, you might be more comfortable, whispering when it’s dark or maybe give them some sort of sensory deprivation cover their ears or cover there is when you try something new so you feel self conscious. So for the next time for us to spice it up. I’m gonna whisper something in year just before you’re going to want to get some goals do bagels. I do love bagels. We have we’ve had a hard week this week our dog if you’ve been listening as you know, has been on chemotherapy and she had her third treatment of this round scheduled for yesterday. But unfortunately, we went into the vet. And they said that the tumors have spread too much, so they’re no longer gonna do chemo. So it was already palliative. But now, we’re at the very end. End of it all and making some big decisions. But after the bad news from the vet Brennan said to me, do you wanna go get grasp a goals and whispered it to get some look gripes bagels gripes is an institution here in Toronto. And it’s so good. And I said, you know, we’ve got sad news. But at least we’ve got a lot of gluten. I also bought I bought a bag of pizza. Big eight six bagels that day. I ate the entire bag pizza bagels. Our next question can a sex life still be healthy. If it is quick like under fifteen minutes every time. Can I answer that fifteen minutes is a long time? It depends what you’re doing.

00:10:03 – 00:15:06

So if you’re talking about intercourse that’s way longer than average. But I know that in porn sexual intercourse lasts so long that our expectations become on realistic. Now, that’s just intercourse of sex itself can last longer, and if it’s not long enough for you think about other things you can do with your hands with your mouth with toys. Don’t get hung up on intercourse and just remember there’s a reason that lesbian women have more orgasms than straight women. It’s because they’re not hung up on the they’re doing other things. All right. Great answer next question. How can you tell if your husband’s sex drive is going down? Ask them and be supportive. It’s okay. If you’re interested in sex declines, it’s normal. You often have to get in the mood for sex rather than waiting for the mood to strike you and talking about sexual frequency as a really important conversation. And I know that there are some strong gender norms around who is supposed to want it more. So rather than trying to read between the lines or read their mind. Try having a straightforward conversation. Almost feel like I’ve questioned my own sex drive points in this relationship and society tells us you should want it all the time twenty four seven, and because I don’t feel that way I’ve questioned whether or not there’s been something wrong with me. You’ve just we’ve been told. I mean men I find are told you should want it twenty four seven. And if you don’t there’s something wrong with you and the truth is, I don’t I I love you. I think you’re hot, and I definitely want dit. But at the same time sometimes there’s just a lot of other things going on that consume the bandwidth. For sex. So how do you reconcile those social norms that make you feel a masculine with what you actually know having that conversation with you in expressing to you is the first step that made me feel normal about it just getting it off my chest, and and expressing it really helped. And then after that, I think it was recognizing that a lot of other people probably feel this way. Just don’t bring it up ever. Because it’s not something that I talk about with my friends. I don’t talk about my sex drive. And I think because you don’t you’re selected, and what are you gonna do? You’re gonna Google the answer and try to find what everybody else is doing on the regular. I don’t think you’re gonna get the answers that you want and not only do not talk about it with your friends. There’s a performance element to within male relationships to act like you’re so sexual right to show. How heterosexual you are? And so I think you probably are not surrounded with people who fall into those norms. Right. You probably. Selective with the people you’re around. I would agree. Having said that you still play sports with people who with whom you’re probably not best friends, but you socialize yet. And it does depend on the group. Absolutely agree that performance of element plays in more. When I am playing hockey, or in group settings with other men, and although I don’t I find myself taking a step back and not engaging. Just because I have started to realize that I am I’m performing I’m performing I’m playing into that need to show masculinity within a group of men when the truth is doesn’t matter. Like why with that group of men? Yeah. And what am I trying to accomplish like proving to them that I do it a whole lot? A why why do men care so much about letting other men know how masculine they are? I’m not sure I mean, it’s a great question. I don’t know if it’s even hierarchical within that group setting that perhaps there is something subconscious there intern. Of a ranking. I don’t know. I’m speculating right now. Right. I think Evelyn canary theorists would suggest that it has to do with competition with sperm competition, for example. But I think that it’s Altima tely a matter of having no outlets. No, no relationships other than your intimate one where you actually get to express yourself around sexuality there. There aren’t a lot of there. Not many safe spaces for men to talk about sex. So talk to your partner and one of the challenges with that. And I’m sure this is come up in previous episodes is when men don’t talk to their friends heterosexual men about emotional issues, sexual issues relational issues. What happens is the burden falls all on their intimate partner. So in the case of hetero Manit falls on a woman where we are your we are expected to act in the capacity of therapist emotional support of best friend, and we’re not qualified nor do we have the bandwidth to do all of that. So start talking to each other. People tried it up. Okay. Next question. We have a lot of questions. Let’s go is going to bed at the same time. Good for relationship. I’m guessing that this is coming from someone who wants their partner to come to bed with them. Of course, going to bed together can be good for the relationship because you can snuggle and be closed, and maybe even have sex but going to bed. Separately can also be good for the relationship because you have to prioritize sex and affection and actually go out of your way to seek it.

00:15:06 – 00:20:02

So listen, I think you should do what you’re comfortable with. I don’t think you should force your partner to go to bed at the same time as you. We all have different needs, different schedules. And I think the less pressure you put on a partner the more inclined. They will be too sometimes come and join you can working out boost your sex drive. Yes. So we have a wealth of data suggesting that exercising is good for sex in exercise frequency and sex. Frequency are positively correlated. We don’t really know if more sex leads to more exercise, or if it’s the other way around, but I do find that my clients. Find that exercise really improves their mood improves their energy their sleep their stress and that all of those things make for better more frequent sex. How about working together a bit too that boosts sex drive? There is research actually, not only on the fact that it’s good for your sex life, but your relationship and you’re more likely to follow through with fitness goals. If you do it with a partner, whether that’s an intimate partner or front that’d be hot though for real. I could see that getting the Motorola and working out together. I mean, maybe not if you’re I don’t know what if your stinky. Well, yeah, that’s what I meant like maybe keep a little distance. But like watching you work. It will be hot. Really? Yes. He may work out. I’ve seen you workout like once right? Hi. Hi, how long is too long too for not having to not have sex. Oh, it just depends on the person some people a sexual folks, for example, never want sex in their perfectly healthy some people feel like it’s too long after a day or two. And if you can’t find perfect compatibility with your partner, which is normal, and you can still have a happy relationship. Give yourself a hound hand. You know, you can have sex with yourself. So go for it. Problem solve trade. Okay. Next question. How tall are you Brandon? I am six feet tall that questions about. How tall I always get messages on Instagram about my shoe size. That’s that’s yeah. That’s further reasons. Probably end requesting pictures of my feet, I’m gonna post a picture of my feet tomorrow. Because I have a picture of Lido with my heel, Brandon. What’s the hardest part of being married to a sexologist? I’m going into the field. And I’m worried about dating and finding a partner. I think in the past. I would have said there’s nothing really difficult about being married or having a partner who’s the sexologist. However, is it my personality makes it the. I I do believe that it. It’s been incredible to be married to to have a partner who’s a sexologist. We talk more. We are open to having more conversations doing more things experiencing new things, and that really has added spice to the relationship that I don’t think I would have known how to do had. We I mean had you not studied in this field. I mean, you’ve been in this field as long as I’ve known you for over eighteen years that being said what I find most difficult is the constant sexual harassment. I’m blown away at how people of all genders, but primarily men people with a penis feel compelled or entitled to send dick picks or even more graphic images to you and to scream and showed it you into sent hate messages to you. I wanna lash out. I want to. I mean, I want to respond in the same way, which really probably isn’t going to accomplish much. But at the same time, I’m just blown away at how people think it’s appropriate. I I’m blown away at how you could even send graphic images like that. I know you’ve said that before and yesterday I received some graphic images they were actually gifts, and I was thinking and actually posted this on Twitter hoping that an ethicist would weigh in. If someone sends me an unsolicited dick pic, so someone. I don’t know. Well, nobody release ends me dick pics. But I don’t I don’t know who this person is can I start sending dick pics back is unethical. Didn’t somebody do that years ago? Wasn’t there? A woman who received dick pic from like, Tinder, something like that. She sent them back and then the person freaked out. Yeah. So I’m just wondering what the ethics are around that. I’m not very edgy in that way. But I did want to send some dick pics back. All right next question. How do I deal with a jealous colleague we talked about this on the morning show this week be really kind and mindful of their jealousy? You know, oftentimes with jealousy. We lash out at the person we get irritated by them. We get critical of them. But ultimately, they’re suffering, right? When jealousy is related to feelings of insecurity, and loneliness and feeling unworthy.

00:20:02 – 00:25:01

So check in make sure they feel supported. I remember reading a study that found that jealousy. Leads to increased brain activity in the areas associated with social pain and pair bonding in monogamous monkeys so Tryon view their jealousy through a lens of empathy for their pain instead of focusing on the inconvenience or irritation at causes you the other thing is to help kind of break down there. Jealousy. See if there are ways for you to show your own vulnerability. I think oftentimes a a jealous colleague believes that your life is perfect. And when you open up about your own struggles, they might see you as more human and be a little bit less jealous. I know that it can be very frustrating because when people are jealous, they don’t always act in the kindest of ways. But just remember that, you know, they’re suffering in this is the this applies to Gela siblings and jealous friends, and and chose partners is a different discussion. You know, you wanna support your partner if they’re feeling jealous. You also don’t wanna tolerate someone who’s trying to control your baby. All right next question. What’s your favorite position? Is this for me? It didn’t say Brandon at the end of it till you answer first. I don’t know that I have a favor position or like a to depends, which one of the three do you prefer? Kinda go with the flow. It could vary based on the sex the sex. I like to lie on my stomach. Yeah. We know that not everybody knows that they all do now. I tend to enjoy whatever you’re really into those hurting me. I’m usually pretty into it hurt you. Yeah. There’ve been a few inches around. Like, okay. We gotta stop this. This is painful. Okay. Next question. How old are you? Both. You wanna go first being in his forty one. Yeah. And that’s it next question right now. I don’t care. I’m not sensitive about major. I’m thirty nine. And I can’t wait to be forty. Even though I just turned thirty nine I’m excited to be forty because I think people treat me like, I’m younger, and I’m excited to say, I’m forty why are you shaking my head because forty is not all it’s cracked up to be. Forties. Great. But I don’t know. I keep thinking that every year gets a little better. And I do I generally feel that way, you know, people who look back on their lives, and the I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of people that feel like, oh, this was my day. This was the best. I really do feel with few exceptions that every year gets a little better. Maybe I’m just happy to be here. I feel the same way. Life gets a little bit more exciting. I like my work a little bit more. I think I’m what I’m really working on. And I’m hoping we’ll come with age is saying bit more what I want as opposed to doing what I feel I need to do. ’cause I do a lot of things that have commitment. I have trouble saying no to things and I’m hoping that when I turned forty that magic pill. We’ll just help me be more sort of. Well, my magic pill didn’t work out. And I, but I will say that there are ups and downs along the way. But generally speaking, I do feel like the trajectory is heading up. And I hope that it continues. I do. Well, our next question. How do you know if your partner is into role play, and I’m laughing because I’m thinking you just show up with Cape and a mask one day. You’ve got that question. I leave it with you. That’s done. Just come come home in Cape come home into Batman Cape. And like Spiderman mask don’t be cross pollinating don’t superhero. No, no. No. All right. I mean alternately ask them if you don’t want to blurt it out over dinner. You don’t wanna show up in a Cape ask them while you’re watching a show where a movie that depicts role play or make jokes of it. Even some of you can learn through dirty talk. You can just say, oh, would you like it? If I dressed up as a teacher or a hybrid of Spiderman, and I don’t know another superhero iron, man, good guy or bad guy. Who’s a Thor show with a giant hammer door? There you go. I don’t know who Horace she’s got a hammer. Like, a us a superhero? Okay. He’s that guy. Pretty handsome pretty ripped. Yeah. I heard of that giant hammer the Asian. No. I think he’s white guy, isn’t he? Oh, man. I hope I didn’t just stick my foot. But now, I don’t know anyway. All right Masumi. He’s asian. I don’t know why how do we get rid of a sex read we like sex, but we just don’t get in the mood as often as we’d like to. Well, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again understand that sex doesn’t happen on its own. If you wait until you’re in the mood for sex. You might never have it like going to the gym you often have to put yourself in the mood, and I’m sure I’ve talked about responsive versus spontaneous desire before. But it’s important to remember that we don’t necessarily walk around horny and in the mood for sex. You don’t go to work all day, come home dinner help with the chores put the kids to bed maybe on the phone with your mom for a while. And then say, oh, yeah. You know, what I’m in the mood for I’m the mood for the sacks.

00:25:01 – 00:30:04

I even wanna get on top. No, you have to do something to put yourself in the mood. So maybe you need to touch yourself or use a toy or tell your partner what you need and get turned on before you actually want sex because if you wait for it, it might not ever happen times when I’ve again going back to that question earlier, I haven’t felt like a wanted to have sex. But once I kind of get myself going, I find it’s a lot easier to to get into that rut if you. You’re willing to get yourself going. Can you also just finish yourself off? Newsflash. I have. Okay. Okay. Okay. Next question is what’s good resource for talking to my nine and a half year old about sex. You can start on YouTube. There is a video series. That’s free called a maze. AMA’s at e. So check that out and then also follow sex positive parenting for tips, and they do a lot of QNA’s on their Instagram. They answer not only common questions, but really specific and varied questions and they have a ton of resources so checkout sex positive parenting and the amaze sex Ed video series. Okay. Is it normal to won’t your wife to be a hot wife and hot wife being one word? Yes. So right. So hot Weifeng tends to refer to a husband or a male partner wanting his wife to have sex with another man, and we did do an episode, but Justin les Miller on cocooning. So this person might enjoy watching his wife have sex with somebody else. And it only really works out if she also wants to do it. There are many reasons why you might enjoy this. And even the hot wiping is such a gender term folks of all genders can really enjoy watching their partner with another lover. And I think some are really thrilled by the taboo element taking risks together. And then getting through that risky situation. Coming out on the other side. Feeling more connected can be really hot. But also really affirming for the relationship. I think others are into hot Weifeng because they’re excited by the empowerment, it brings to both partners. So it can be a representation of how strong your bond is with your partner. Earlier I spoke about sperm competition for men, and I think Evelyn therapist would suggest that this is a matter of sperm competition if she has sex with someone else I’m going to have more sex with her thrust harder. My sperm are going to outswim. There’s you know, I’m gonna last longer. I’m going to have a shorter. Refractory period. I think that may be a little overstated I think that hot Weifeng can really feed your egos in a good way. If you’re both into it. So one partner is validated by being wanted by another lover and the other partner is validated. Because in the end, even though the partner is with other lovers. They still come home to them. It’s the. The song save the last dance theory. Right. So you always come back to me. So yes, it can be normal. It can be hot as long as you’re both into it with enthusiasm free from pressure. How does a senior keep up with younger partners in bed? Hell I’m not sure you have to keep up. You might be setting the pace you might be the race rabbits. One thing we know about sex in aging is that sex changes for the better, if you’re still having it, and you tend to become less hung up on one specific sex act and more likely to use all the tools at your disposal. Whether it’s your fingers your tongues. Your toys furniture, dirty talk role play the emotional connection and so much more. So my best advice is to make sure you view sex as a range of accent interactions because it just makes it more fulfilling regardless of age. You’ve traveled everywhere. What’s your favorite place to visit? Oh, well, I certainly haven’t been everywhere. There are a lot of places many places on my list, I like to go back to Jamaica where my mother’s from. It’s where my my cousins and my family are so the north coast rocket best. And you know, I I really liked to stumble at like to go back to east tumble Mexico City. Those are places visited already I’m want to return to how do you feel? I mean, we’ve been so lucky to have had traveled Rome and Florence retu- of my favorites history. There was incredible. Yeah. It was spectacular. Pretentious to say. I’m gonna love Lawrence at agree time in Mexico City. Even though we were a little under the weather and would love to go back there. And I had a great time in Jordan. I thought that was incredible. I was so impressed with just everything tolliday. We were in Amman Jordan for a wedding when a Brennan’s clients who became a friend, and we went down to Petra, and it really is spectacular.

00:30:04 – 00:35:16

We went to the Dead Sea. That’s true. Jordan was really an interesting place. Our next question Gilo personal for me was Brandon in the Woodies ads. Oh, so would woody’s is a bar on church street a gay bar in Toronto. And it was quite famous because it was featured in queer as folk for many years the television series, and Brandon I was I was in the ads on the side of the establishment. Oh, you are also inside the establishment was they got their money’s worth from those photos those photos. Well, I mean, I tried to bartend there. But couldn’t couldn’t get a job there. You weren’t as good looking as the guy on the wall. There were some good looking men there. And I did not rank high no doubt that yes. Oh, Brennan was in the Witty’s ads. When did you take those photos almost twenty years ago, they were running them up until probably five years ago? Nobody really recognize me. Yes. Still few years. I changed a fair amount. No. You look a lot. Like, there’s one particular. Ad where he’s in boxing, shorts and boxing gloves. And are you grabbing your junk? Maybe have fists. I don’t know. I can’t remember the tagline is cookie. And that was my favorite one of all of them. So yeah, I was our next question moving. I met a great guy online. We’ve been on a few dates, and he’s really nice to me, but he’s rude to waiters and the folks behind the counter at the coffee shop, should I be concerned. I mean, that’s up to you. But I’d be concerned. I think the way you speak about your friends and family matters but soda your daily interactions in. So if this person believes they’re better than others. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re also likely sizing you up to Termine whether or not you’re good enough for them to. And I don’t think this is a great foundation for a relationship. So I’d be a little wary. Moments of fleeting intimacy with strangers like waiters or service staff. They can actually be good for a health too. So they’re missing out on valuable social opportunities by being rude or bay being dismissive. And chances are they might expect you to act the same way. So I’m not saying you should cut this relationship off. But I’d be mindful of it. And I I would even ask them. Why are you speaking to that person that way, I find it so embarrassing if we go out for dinner and people are rude to the service staff? I’ve I’ve been around people who’ve been rude to wait staffer cleaners. Anyone I’m if you interact with people that way, I don’t I don’t wanna be friends with you. I don’t I don’t wanna I don’t wanna be. I don’t wanna go out with you. I think you should be treating people the way that you wanna be treated a matter. What position they hold or what they do? I don’t I don’t care, and we were bartenders for so many years. You know, we we bought our first house from bartending. I was a bar back. Right. So my my ranking if you wanna look at it that way was much much lower and people definitely interacted with me much differently than they did you or the people that worked security at the nightclub like short of the cleaning staff we were lowest on the totem pole. Again, if you wanted to rank things, and it was interesting to see how people interacted with me then and how I was upset about it. But again you move on. And you know, so be at what I did remember out of all that is that I would never treat somebody that way. So I also think that everybody could learn from working in a restaurant from being in service. I think there are a lot of really important life lessons that I learned working in the night clubs in bars and restaurants that I couldn’t have learned in any other environment. Okay. Where do you take all those photos in Jamaica on the paddle boards? Oh, I just mentioned that place. It’s a racket Besse on the north coast. It’s about thirty five minutes west of Ochiai west of Ocho Rios, and it’s a place called GoldenEye. And it’s the place where Ian Fleming had his old house and conceived of the JAMES BOND character and his old villa is still there, and yeah, we play around on the lagoons. Apparently, they’re going to be shooting the last JAMES BOND movie there. I hope it doesn’t take too long gone. ’cause then the film crew will be there. It’s a very quiet place. Yeah. Ceautiful should the guy still pay for the first date? I well what if there’s two guys on a date because that happens to know pay if you want to treat them if you want to split it. If you want to don’t decide who pays the bills based on what’s hanging or not hanging or hanging out between your legs. Please. Okay. Can sexless marriage work. A sexless marriage can work if you both want it to be sexist, so you can have a happy marriage and decide not to have sex, but if one person wants sex in the other doesn’t you likely need to make some changes, you might need to open it up into a consensual non monogamous relationship in in that case, it would be sexless between the two of you, but not sexless altogether.

00:35:16 – 00:40:00

Because one of you would be having sex with another partner or partners. What doesn’t work in terms of sexless marriages involves asking your partner to be monogamous and unilaterally declaring that you no longer wants sex whether you declare that verbally or behaviorally, you absolutely should never feel pressure to have sex. If you don’t want to, but you also can’t demand sexual celibacy from partner because when you enter into if you want monogamous relationship, for example, you have to make an attempt to meet one another’s sexual needs. Okay. So now we have a series of anal sex questions. And so this person says. I’m a lesbian girl, my girlfriend and I intend to do anal lovemaking for the first time, although we are both SD STI free. We are afraid of any other disease that may be created from contacting each other’s Amos’s. So here are our inquiries. What what is or what are the hygienic procedures that should be done before lesbian anal sex? So regardless of whether you’re lesbian or any other gender combination. Whatever makes you comfortable. So you can shower if you’d like to in advance, you can clean the outer area with water and mild, soap if that makes you more comfortable, should we evacuate our bowels rape before the encounter. Many people feel more comfortable if they go to the bathroom I but it’s up to you. And you don’t need to force it. So if you don’t need to go, you don’t need to go. You shouldn’t force anything ever. Apparently. You’re not supposed to push don’t push men. Okay. My partner suggests an enema before we start is that a most so an enema for for those listening involves pumping water or saline into the rectum to dissolve any stool that’s hanging out in there. It’s a matter of choice, and it’s not necessary. If you continue to use Animas regularly, there are certainly risks related to muscle function and an imbalance of electrolytes. So I wouldn’t consider them necessity. I suggest we can use hand sanitizer or web wet wipes to clean the whole area. Around an inside before we start is that okay? I would stay away from hand sanitizer and any wet wipes that contain alcohol there might be some wipes on the market that are specifically intended for this. There is a brand called sweet spot, which is more formulated for the vaginal area in terms of its ph. But they haven’t unscented wipe that would be fine. But I wouldn’t just use a regular disinfectant wipe because likely contains some harsh chemicals so just use water. And again, a mild on fragrance soap only on the outside should make a joke about our question number sixty nine. No, okay. Should we defecate after anal? Oh, you don’t you don’t need to after an all the way you should be after vaginal intercourse poker? Next question. Do our posterior holes. Sorry, do our plus dear holes or whether it be wider by practicing anal play. If yes, what is wrong with that? And how would we avoid it? Okay. So the area will remain a little expanded for a few minutes after penetration. I depends what you’re putting in the as well and the size of it. And then they’ll go back to normal just as you know, the area can expand to allow feces to be expelled. Then it goes back to normal when you’re done to apply to male penises if you had to put a penis inside. How do you make it much bigger much? No, I can’t help you there. I can make shrivel up. Okay. Sorry for that quiz surfer. The question. Could she kiss me or I kiss her deeply in the mouth after ailing Guinness? Oh, no. So you don’t wanna kiss in the mouse mouth after you’ve had your tongue your lips looking around or inside the butthole, you can transfer ‘Bacterial you so what I would suggest is either you kiss first, and then moved to the Innis or you can also use a dental dam or a latex glove with sim lube for analysts Inc. Links to reduce the risk of infection. Transmission or like that we got all women clinical to in the butthole. Okay. Can we use whipped cream or yogurt or ice cream inside the anal whole the same way, we use it in the mouth kissing or vulva licking I really liked the idea of kissing with ice cream. I would kiss you more. If you had more ice cream in your mouth by had bagels in my mouth.

00:40:00 – 00:45:07

This is true anything lieutnant. So so back to the question. No, I I wouldn’t use whipped cream or yogurt or ice cream inside you can use it on the outside. So you can put it like around on the but cheeks and around in the region, but you’re not going to be putting stuff inside. I like whip cream. I get cream sweet dessert yogurt though leagues that. Oh, you don’t know. This question is actually from Terry crews to recruit man nine and the other thing I’m thinking right now is how messy that would be just yogurt everywhere. All over the bed as just yeah. You know, what you need? No, wet spot blanket. Well, almost no more wets mumbling. Yeah. So this is a barrier fleece blanket and there are multiple brands, but you put it down and no liquid goes through its you can throw it on your bed. And at the trade shows where I see this blanket on display they run it as a fountain all weekend long and no water goes through magic. Or back to the anal questions. How far should we go inside out by fingers tongue or toys that’s really up to you? You probably want to start with a small object like a finger and then slowly over time work your way up to larger toys and make sure your toys has a flared base. What that means is that it should have a base that stops the toy from going all the way inside the anus. So for example, something that’s the shape of a lipstick tube. Or a pen. That doesn’t have a flared base that could get sucked sucked up in there and get stuck you want something that has almost like a stopper at the end. That’s too big to go inside. And I’m gonna really suggest that you check out my anal sex podcast. It’s all about anal and it’s episode number seventy two but flared boosting you don’t wanna be that person at the local hospital some went in and didn’t come out. Did I ever tell you about that group doctors, and they were saying that no. No matter what when someone comes in with something lodged up there. But they always say they fell on it did number and they said without fail. I fell on the coke bottle. I fell on the candlestick. I’ve fell on this eggplant. Why am I know? Remembering a story. Maybe it was a TV episode or something where there was reclining chairs the old ones have like a handle lever a lever. And somebody that starts like come on, man. Maybe I’m maybe it was just a TV show slipped and fell on the reclining handle. Whoops. And it was naked and had lube and it went, but that would be really hard to fall on because it’s so close to the side of the chair. Yeah. You’d have to really try. Okay. Next question. So could we do I’m assuming this is in reference to inserting fingers tongue toys could we do it? Vaginal after Ainley or vice versa is better. Please do vaginal insertion first and then anal because of the bacterial transfer risk. So you can put something in the Jonah, and then in the anus, but you don’t do it the other way around because you’d be could be transferring ‘Bacterial that could be harmful, and you can also use new condoms every time you use new office. That’s a a good way to get around. It. And you can use condoms, of course, on anything. You can use them on a toy you could use gloves on your hands. And so those barrier methods work work, regardless of what you’re using next question. Do we need to tell her gynecologists? That’s a good question. I would say that the more info your doctor has the better. So y’all go ahead and tell them I don’t know if it’s a requirement will have to ask gynecologist about that. This is a great question. What if we can’t get it in the hole, and I don’t think this is specific to lesbians having sex just could be anybody. I don’t think any of these questions in factor specific to lesbians. So you don’t have to put it in the hole, you can just play on the outside. There’s no reason anal sex has to be penetrative. I think we have this idea from porn that all lesbian sex mimics hetero. Sex, for example, you must wear a strap on and that’s not necessarily what all lesbian people want to do some do. Some don’t I would say most of us. Learn how to penetrate penetrate and insert objects into our. But if we try it on ourselves first. So if you go back to that podcast that I mentioned podcast number seventy two will talk a little bit about how to get it inside. If you feel like you’re in the mood, you relaxed. You have experience, you know, how to put a finger in your own, but already, but it was not going in at this moment in time. Take a few slow deep breaths. Play with yourself in another way, get more and more turned on the more aroused. You are the more. You’ll probably relax in the region. When you’re uncomfortable or anxious or nervous your muscles tend to contract making penetration. Either uncomfortable or next to impossible. But once you’re bit more relaxed and aroused use your hands to spread your cheeks add lots and lots of lube to your whole.

00:45:07 – 00:49:44

And then let’s say put your finger on the butt hole. And then push outwards as though you’re actually trying to push something out of your bum. Like, you’re going to the bathroom, and as you push outwards. It sounds kind of counter intuitive. But that bearing down with those muscles will actually facilitate entry because your muscles will expand to open up almost feel like it’s getting gently sucked in. But there’s a lot more info in that anal all about anal podcast things. I wouldn’t have known before a listened to that podcast. Really? Yeah. For sure did you. Learn to put a finger in your. But is that something you’ve earned on your own did not I think I learned when I give myself a suppository that’s not quite as pleasurable not at all. Or maybe it was the first time a doctor had to check something that was not fun either. But you should get your prostate checked people. I’m totally in agreement on that. But it was unexpected. The first time it happened and not intended to be fun. Let’s talk that for a minute though, before we go with physicians. Don’t you wish they would really explain to you? What is happening to put you at ease as opposed to just doing it. I recently had I had a I had a to. I was missing a tooth missing it for years. It was molar, and I decided to have one put in and they had to do surgery to put in a post and all that stuff and the surgeon who did the the the drilling into my jaw explained everything he was doing as he did it because I was awake during it. And it was much more not enjoyable, but I was much more relaxed and I felt much more comfortable. And the dentists that I see does the exact same thing. And I love that. He does it because I know what to expect and what he’s doing. And I wish most people would explain what they’re doing when they’re doing it. And why because I think that the more information we have the more comfortable, we can be if we understand the process when you think about doctors, for example, physicians some are very comfortable with sexuality and some are not and so their own hangups can hold them back from communicating effectively with you in putting you at ease. And so in an ideal world, there would be more training in medical school and ongoing curricular training to ensure that they are comfortable with these topics and at the same time, we know that that’s not the reality. So I would encourage you to stand up for yourself and assert this is what would make me more comfortable. So I think back to my first Pap smear when I was a teenager. And it was so uncomfortable the metal specula- m- was really really cold. They didn’t warm it up for me. And then you’re not gonna believe this. So she. Puts it inside. She doesn’t explain to me. What’s happening? I’m tense. I’m so scared. She says, oh, I forgot a screw. I’m not joking. And then she pulled it out put the screw back on and put it back in so two insertions. I’m just a teenager. I’m so nervous in you know, when you’re nervous that pelvic floor can just tense up. It was it wasn’t just uncomfortable. It felt painful because it was so cold. And now that I’m older I have in the past asked first of all not only have I had to ask for Pap smear because I don’t know the doctors don’t seem to to suggest that I have one. But I’ve said can you please warm that up just run it under some warm water? So do not putting a freezing cold specula- m- into my vagina. And so I do hope that you can stand up and say, this is what would make me more more comfortable. Could you explain to me what’s happening because I’m very nervous? And of course, as a teenager. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I I didn’t even tell my friends. I was going certainly didn’t tell my parents. I was going where lucky here in in Canada. You can go and get healthcare without your parents knowledge, because it’s it’s covered by single payer system. Thank goodness. Because. Was important that I had that Pap smear. So we’re gonna stop there. We’re pretty close to finishing up these questions we’re going to bring in a guest next week. So that we can go back to our regularly scheduled programing and will save a segment for finishing off these hundred questions of yours as well. That was fun very informative for you to absolutely sound. Well, thank you so much to you for listening. Thanks for being here. Victor letting me host and thank you to desire resorts wherever you’re at have a lovely week. If you like the podcast, please do share subscribe. And if you have questions, send them our way, I am at sex with Dr Jess on Instagram, and Brandon is out Verity, Brandon, right? And have a great one, folks. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.