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Sex with Dr. Jess


April 5, 2019

Sex Q&A: Anal, Hot-Wifing, Sexless Marriages & Much More

Episode 101

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Jess and Brandon answer your questions: Is it normal to want your wife to be a hot-wife? Should I use an enema before anal? What should I do if I can’t get it in? Can a sexless marriage work? Can a couple really recover after cheating? How do I know if I should call it quits on a relationship? And many, many more.

Please see a rough transcript below.

Thank you to Desire Resorts & Desire Cruises for their support. Be sure to check them out because they offer a clothing-optional couples experience that is unlike any other.

To celebrate our 100th episode, we started answering 100 of your questions last week and we continue this week:

39. Is there really a way to move past a cheating partner?

Yes. If the one who cheated is not making excuses and is willing to do the work. And if the one who didn’t cheat agrees that they’ll be vulnerable and honest about what they feel AND not use the cheating as a weapon moving forward (e.g. in arguments unrelated to cheating).

40. How can you introduce compromise to a partner who always believes their way is the right way?

You compromise first. It’s disarming. If you take an issue that you’re fighting about and say mea culpa – I need to change. The angriest, most stubborn person will likely follow suit.

41. How do you know enough is enough, and you’re just running your own race?

If your partner isn’t willing to put in effort to make the relationship work – this might be a sign that you’re not able to become compatible. Having said that, just because they won’t put in the same type of effort you put in doesn’t mean it’s on them to conform to your expectations. But if you’ve tried to work on the relationship from multiple angles – by talking, by arguing, by going to therapy, by completing self-help programs together, by carving time out and you’ve tried a variety of approaches and asked them how they’d like to work on it AND they’re open to none of them, you’re in a relationship with yourself. Try asking them: do you want to work on this relationship and make it better? If they say yes, ask them how they’d like to work on it.

42. Can a man’s semen stink if they drink beer? Is there something that causes women to have a funny smell?

Yes. We don’t have scientific evidence that what you eat and drink changes your taste or smell, but we have so many anecdotal reports that I simply can’t ignore. Diets high in fruits and veggies and supposed to increase sweetness and preservatives, smoking and alcohol have been said to change the taste so that it’s more bitter. And when someone ejaculates inside of you, it can absolutely change the way you smell, but the self-cleaning oven will clean it out. And again, always get tested — regardless of whether or not you’re using condoms.

43. How tall are you?


44. How do you get brave enough to try new things in the bedroom?

Start slow and small. Try it next to the bed instead of in the bed. Then move to the shower and add silicone based lube because you’ll need it in there. Try whispering a few words right before orgasm when your inhibitions are lower. When you get more turned on, the chemical shifts in your body help you to be less self conscious and more confident. And don’t feel pressure to do everything. The tiniest change can have the biggest impact.

45. Can sex still be healthy if it is quick, under 15 minutes all the time?

That’s way longer than average. Porn sex lasts so long that our expectations become unrealistic. But if it’s not long enough for you, think about other things you can do – with your hands, your mouth, your toys. Don’t get hung up on intercourse. There is a reason lesbian women have more orgasms that straight women – they’re not hung up on the D.

46. How can you tell if your husband’s sex drive is going down?

Ask them! And be supportive. It’s okay if your interest in sex declines. It’s normal. You often have to get in the mood for sex rather than wait for the mood to strike you. Talking about sexual frequency is a really important conversation, so rather than trying to read between the lines or read their mind, try having a straightforward conversation.

47. Is going to bed at the same time good for a relationship?

I’m guessing this is coming from someone who wants their partner to come to bed with them. Of course going to bed together can be good for the relationship because you can snuggle and maybe even have sex. But going to bed separately can also be good for the relationship because you have to prioritize sex and affection.

48. Can working out boost your sex drive? How about working out together?

Yes. A wealth of data suggests that exercise frequency and sex frequency are positively correlated. We don’t know if more sex leads to more exercise or if it’s the other way around, but I do find with my clients that because exercise improves mood, energy, sleep and stress, it also makes for better, more frequent sex.

49. How long is too long to not have sex?

It just depends on the person. Some people – some asexual folks, for example, never want it and they’re perfectly healthy. Some people feel like it’s too long after a day or two.

50. How tall are you, Brandon?

6 feet tall.

51. Brandon, what’s the hardest part about being married to a sexologist? I’m getting married and going into the field…

52. How to deal with a jealous colleague?

  • Be kind and be mindful of their jealousy. If the jealousy relates to money, be sure to plan activities that are accessible and inclusive.
  • Bear in mind that jealousy is related to both feelings of insecurity and loneliness, so check in to make sure they feel supported.
  • One study found that jealousy leads to increased brain activity in areas associated with social pain and pair bonding in monogamous monkeys, so try to view their jealousy through a lens of empathy for their pain instead of focusing on the inconvenience or irritation it causes you.
  • Show your own vulnerability; oftentimes a jealous colleague believes that your life is perfect and when you open up about your own struggles, they may see you as more human.

53. What’s your favourite position?

54. How old are you both?

55. How do you know when your partner is into role play?

Ask them. And if you don’t want to blurt it out over dinner, ask them while you’re watching a show or a movie that depicts role play or makes a joke of it even. Sometimes you can learn through dirty talk. You can just say…Would you like it if I dressed up as a teacher?

56. How do we get out of a sex rut? We like sex, we’re just not in the mood for it.

Understand that sex doesn’t happen on its own. If you wait until you’re in the mood for sex, you might never have it. Like going to the gym, you often have to put yourself in the mood. I’m sure I’ve talked about responsive versus spontaneous desire before, but it’s important to remember that we don’t necessarily walk around horny.

57. What’s a good resource for talking to my 9 ½ year-old about sex?

Amaze has a video series on YouTube. It’s free. Also follow Sex Positive Families for tips and answers to common and varied questions and resources.

58. Is it normal to want your wife to be a hot-wife?

Hot-wifing tends to refer to a husband wanting his wife to have sex with another man. He might enjoy watching and it can work out if she also enjoys this type of experience. There are many reasons you might enjoy this and though hot-wifing is a gendered term, folks of all genders can enjoy watching their partner with another lover. Some are thrilled by the taboo element – taking risks together and coming out feeling more connected can be hot. Others are excited by the empowerment it brings to both partners – for some, it can be a representation of how strong your bond is in the relationship. Evolutionary theorists will suggest that it has to do with sperm competition for men. It can feed your egos in a good way – one partner is validated by being wanted by another lover and the other partner is validated because in the end, their partner still comes home to them. It’s the ‘Save the Last Dance for Me’ theory. So yes – it can be normal, and it can be hot as long as you’re both into it free from pressure.

59. How does a senior keep up with younger partners in bed?

I’m not sure you have to keep up. You might be setting the pace as the rabbit. One thing we know about sex and aging is that it changes for the better. You’re less hung up on one sex act and more likely to use all the tools at your disposal – fingers, tongues, toys, furniture, dirty talk, role play and more. So my best advice is to see sex as multiple acts – it makes it more fulfilling regardless of age.

60. You’ve travelled everywhere, what’s your favourite place to visit?

61. Was Brandon in the Woody’s ads?

62. I met a great guy online, we’ve been on a few dates and he’s really nice to me. But, he’s rude to the waiters and the people behind the counter at the coffee shop. How do I react?

The way they speak to and about their friends and family matters, but so do their daily interactions. If they believe they’re better than others, it’s likely they’re sizing you up to determine whether or not you’re good enough for them too — this isn’t a health foundation for any relationship, so be weary. Moments of fleeting intimacy with strangers (like service staff) can be good for our health too, so they’re missing out on valuable social opportunities by being rude or dismissive; chances are they’ll expect the same of you and you likely want more meaningful interactions in your life — whether single or partnered.

63. Where do you take all those photos in Jamaica on the paddle boards?

64. Should the guy still pay on the first date?

No. Pay if you want to. Split it if you want to. Don’t decide who pays the bill based on what’s hanging between your legs.

65. Can a sexless marriage work?

It can work if you both want it to be sexless. If one wants sex and the other doesn’t, you’ll likely need to open it up into a consensually non-monogamous relationship. In that case, it would be sexless between the two of you, but not sexless altogether because one of you would be having sex with another partner or partners. What doesn’t work is asking your partner to be monogamous and unilaterally declaring that you no longer want sex – either verbally or behaviourally. You absolutely should not feel pressure to have sex if you don’t want to, but you also can’t demand sexual celibacy from a partner and make no attempt to meet one another’s sexual needs.

I’m a lesbian girl. My girlfriend and I tend to have anal love making for the first time. Although we are both STI free, we are afraid of any other disease that may be created from contacting each other’s anus’. So here are our inquiries…

66. What are the hygienic procedures that should be done before anal sex?

Whatever makes you comfortable – you can shower if you’d like in advance. And you can clean the area with water and mild soap on the outside only.

67. Should we evacuate our bowels right before the encounter?

Many people feel more comfortable if they go to the bathroom first, but it’s up to you.

68. My partner suggests an enema before we start, is that a must?

An enema, involves pumping water or saline into the rectum to dissolve any stool that’s hanging out in there. It is a matter of choice and it’s not necessary. If you continue to use enemas there are risks related to muscle function and an imbalance of the electrolytes. I don’t generally believe they’re necessary.

69. I suggest we can use hand sanitizer or wet wipes to clean the anus hole area around and inside, is that okay?

I’d stay away from hand sanitizer and wet wipes because they tend to contain alcohol. Just use water and a mild, un-fragranced soap.

70. Should we defecate after anal?

You don’t need to poo after anal the way you should pee after vaginal intercourse.

71. Will our posterior holes remain wide or will they be wider when practicing anal play? If the answer is yes, how do we avoid it?

It will remain expanded for a few minutes and then go back to normal. Just as it can expand to allow poo to be expelled and then go back to normal when you’re done.

72. Could she kiss me or I kiss her deeply in the mouth after analingus?

Don’t kiss in the mouth after licking a butt hole. You can transfer bacteria. You can also use a dental dam or latex glove for analingus.

73. Can we use whip cream or yogurt inside the anus hole the same way we would lick ice cream?

I would avoid whipped cream and yogurt and ice cream on the inside, but you can use it around the outside.

74. How far should we go inside (the anus) with my fingers, tongue or toys?

That’s up to you! You probably want to start with a small object like a finger and then work your way up to larger toys with flared bases. Please check out my anal sex podcast #72 – All About Anal.

75. Can we do it vaginally if we do it anally, and which one should come first?

Vaginal first and then anal because of the bacterial risk. You can also use new condoms.

76. Do we need to tell our gynaecologists?

That’s a good question. The more info your doctor has, the better, so please do tell them.

77. What if we can’t get it in the hole?

You don’t have to. You can just play on the outside. And most of us learn best if we try it on ourselves first and really get comfortable with penetration. Take a few slow, deep breaths and play with yourself or your lover in a way that is more familiar and relaxing. When you’re nervous, anxious or uncomfortable, your muscles contract making penetration next to impossible.

Once you’re a bit more relaxed and aroused, use your hands to spread your butt cheeks and add some extra lube to your pucker. Push outwards as though you’re trying to go to the bathroom as you slide a small object (like a finger or the tip of a butt plug) inside. It may seem counterintuitive, but as you bear down with your anal muscles, you’ll actually facilitate entry as your muscles expand to open your pucker around the inserted object.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

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