April 18, 2019
Defensive Partners, Toxic Relationships, Shrinkage and Porn Habits
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How do you deal with a defensive partner? How do you manage a partner who lashes out in arguments? Is shrinkage real? What are some signs of a toxic relationship? Do I get a say in my partner’s porn habits? Jess and Brandon answer your questions in another rapid fire round.
Please see a rough list of the questions that were addressed on this episode:
I followed your 3-step approach on how to have difficult conversations with your partner, but I have some follow-up questions.
78. What if your partner gets defensive?
79. Lashes out?
80. Or simply withdraw or refuses to talk?
81. What if they refuse to go to therapy?
82. I want to go one of those nude beaches you talk about, but I’m afraid I will get a woody. Brandon, has this happened to you?
83. Can you make my penis bigger?
84. Is shrinkage real?
85. Does my partner get a say in my porn habits?
86. Is it your right to tell your partner that you’d prefer they didn’t watch porn if it makes you jealous or you aren’t comfortable with it?
87. Where is the line for advocating for what you want, and being controlling?
88. What about telling them not to watch certain kinds of porn that you’re ethically opposed to? Like free porn which is often exploitative, or porn scenes that are degrading towards women?
89. If your partner has an issue with your porn habits, would you change them or tell them it’s your choice?
90. Does Brandon have a brother?
91. What if my wife has a small clitoris?
92. Why does my penis keep dripping after I pee?
93. Can semen clog your drain?
94. How do they know it’s semen, did they have to clean out their pipes?
95. I just started dating since graduating college and being with a not-so-great boyfriend for four years. I’m not sure what a healthy relationship should really look like. Can you tell me some signs of a toxic relationship? I want to know what to look for, to make sure it’s not an unhealthy situation.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Defensive Partners, Toxic Relationships, Shrinkage and Porn Habits
00:00:05 – 00:05:01
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sex and relationship advice, you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr just podcast. I’m your unofficial sexologist. Brandon wear, and I suppose I’m the official sexologist title that I will never be able to escape Jessore eilly here before we get started a big thank you to desire resorts, they have clothing optional paradises on the Mayan Rivera as well as clothing optional. Couples only cruises. We are heading to Europe to the south of France Italy Spain, I know we’re going to my arc. Baby. Valencia. Are you taking me on the next round and taking guess guest? Your plus one I’m taking a plus one. Are you coming? I would love to come. I just hope that it’s me that’s on the ticket. You’re good bag carrier. I am very good at carrying bags. I don’t know. What else? I’m very good. At you. Bring a lot to the Taylor a friend, and I will be on their upcoming cruise and be sure to check out their resorts at desire experience show. Let’s jump right into the questions. Two hundred episodes one hundred. Questions where did we leave off? I think we left off at seventy six or something like that. We had to take a break last week. We had a little bit of a rough week last week. If you follow on Instagram, you know, that our puppy passed away after eleven good years. And so we didn’t answer any of the questions we still produced episode, but we didn’t get to the question. So we’re getting back at them today an upcoming episode. I wanna talk a little bit about grief and relationships because we’re dealing with that first hand, and I don’t think we’re fully back to our selves. I don’t think I’ve ready yet to to do it on air like concertedly, you talk to a therapist or counselor off air, but to share it. I’m not quite there yet. But in a couple of weeks, I think it might be a discussion worth having because it’s something that we all face at some point in our lives while it was a really rough week. Yeah. I think when it first hit it was a little surreal and then the twenty four to forty eight hours immediately after were probably to the most difficult days. That I’ve ever experienced yon. It’s interesting because I thought about it a little bit beforehand. Should we actually talk about this because I don’t think people tune in to necessarily here specifically about our lives, and I never wanna really feel like a Downer. But it is a part of what we’re going through in. It’s part of our relationship. And you know, I can definitely say I’m not not back to normal yet. But but getting there, and so without further do we’re gonna dive into these questions work is a nice distraction because we actually enjoy it very much. So we’re gonna get going with number. I guess seventy seven. Yes. So here’s the question. I followed your three step three step approach to start difficult conversations. But I have follow up question. What if your partner gets defensive lashes out or simply withdraws and refuses to talk would if they refused to go to therapy. Oh, that’s gonna count as more than one question. Okay. So if they get defensive first and foremost. Don’t react to the way, they’re reacting rather than worrying about how they’re reacting or being critical of their reaction. If you find that they are getting defensive probably the most disarming than you can do is to take responsibility. I so when you say they get defensive let’s say, for example, you’ve asked them away. I want to kiss me more though, say I kissed you all the time. I’m always the one being affectionate or you never do. Okay. So we know what defensiveness looks like if they’re being defensive. It’s usually because they don’t wanna take responsibility for their actions or for a specific situation. So the best thing I think you can do is to highlight your role in the undesirable situation. So take responsibility. I and you’ll probably find that they become disarmed because your expressing your own vulnerability. And it might open them up to do the same as well. Now, I see seen this with couples. I’ve seen this in my own life. That the moment. I let my guard down other people who seem like they’re digging in or being defensive will also let their guard down. So that’s the first part. What to do if they’re being defensive if you find they’re lashing out? So people lash out if you ask something of them, they might say, oh, you’re never happy. I don’t know what your problem is nothing. I do is never good enough. The first thing you can do to someone who’s getting aggressive like that is to really let them know that you hear them and offer reassurance. So I know you’re gonna wanna react to what they’re saying. So if they say nothing I do is ever good enough. You want to reply by saying by saying you? Oh, yeah.
00:05:01 – 00:10:08
Nothing. You do is good enough. You always say that. But rather than that approach? Why not give them the reassurance? They need and say, you know, what I’m that sexier feeling that way. I don’t wanna make you feel that way you are more than enough. I love you. I just want to work on this. One issue. And then I think remind them that you share the same goal. I wanna be a better partner to you. I wanna keep the relationship strong. And I think that usually when someone’s lashing out they need a little bit of love they need a little bit of reassurance. And then I think the third part was about withdrawing or refusing to talk. So this can be really hard, first and foremost, you have to accept the fact that not everybody’s ready to engage when you’re ready to engage, and you can’t force someone to engage who isn’t ready to hopefully, you know, in half an hour an hour tomorrow, they come around. And when you do have the opportunity to speak to them, I suggest that you try clarifying. What it is. You’re actually looking for focus on solutions and ask questions to better understand them. So offer them the option of talking about it later when perhaps the mood is a little bit lighter. And really remember that their withdrawal is not something that you need to take personally. It’s not necessarily. A matter of they’re not carrying it might be a matter of it being self preservation strategy. They might be withdrawing in order to avoid conflict or avoid loss. They’re afraid that fighting with you could lead to something bad. So they might also need reassurance. That you’re working toward the same goal. So whether I know this supposed to be rapid fire, but these are big questions, whether they withdraw or they lash out or they get defensive what you have to do is remember that you can’t control the way they respond at you can only the control you can only control the manner in which you respond to their response. So if you find that you’re blaming your partner exclusively for an inability to resolve issues or you’re blaming your partner for a communication breakdown in the relationship. It’s probably time to take a step back and consider your role in their response. If you spoke differently, if you chose different words, if you approached in another way or wait. For more appropriate or opportune time, they might respond differently. We tend to get hung up on how our partners communicate in what they do in. Why do they respond to me like this and forget that there is another person that is helping to elicit this response. And that’s you. And and so I hope that helps just a little because those are three relief challenging responses defensiveness lashing out withdrawal to say that I’m pretty sure that I responded in each one of those ways or all of those ways at once. And when I hear you talk about, you know, trying to be aware and trying to think about how you control your behavior and not somebody else’s from my own experience. It’s really hard in the heat of the moment to to kind of think constructively about how your trying to fix the problem. I find that. I even I wanna get defensive. Sometimes I want to withdraw. I want to do all those things. So it’s hard for me. Even when we’re having these arguments or these. Discussions to be like, okay, I’ve got to be Gulf goal oriented. I’ve got a focus on what the problem is. And try to get to the root issue. So it’s I think it’s really easy to look at them and be like overwhelming even trying to think about all this, but a little baby steps along the way you will get there. Right. And we’re all defensive and we all withdraw and we all attack. It’s not you or this person’s partner, we all do this. Of course. I I wanted to fend myself. It’s a matter of self preservation. But I have to ask myself is this useful to the conversation? Right. Like, am I leading with love is this going to move along the relationship now, let me be clear just having this information doesn’t always work for me. Right. Sometimes I’m just pissed off. Sometimes just moody. Sometimes I just I don’t wanna talk. And I you know, I have to cut myself some slack. Just like you have to cut your partner some slack here. Because people do not in the heat of the moment arguments behave as the best version of themselves. We have you know, you have to forgive when they screw up. So I think that was four questions in one. So I’m going to skip forward. This is question number where let’s call it eighty one. So little later. I wanna go to one of those nude beaches you talk about, but I’m afraid I’ll get a Woody Brandon has this happened to you. So no is the short answer did. Always. Listen sometimes called outside. And if you go swimming, you know, it’s thing, right? So it’s never happened to me. But it’s probably happened to a lot of other people. And I think it depends on the environment that you’re in. So, you know, if this were to happen at say, a nude beach where Sex’s not the focal point like no one’s at a new like at a what is it? An actress nature.
00:10:08 – 00:15:04
Sorry, natural nature wrist resort. I mean sex, it’s not an erotic environment. If you’re an environment where it is more Roddick, perhaps a Woody is not inappropriate. But I think if I’m making reference to desire. No, I’ve never had an erection on the beach. I’ve seen other men who have had like they do that probably some people pointed it in certain directions. I think I don’t I can’t remember exactly what they did with it. But I think this person’s talking they’ll getting when when they don’t wanna get one on. All you do is just sit. On your cherry. You can throw a towel over and it will subside. I mean, if if you want you can wrap a towel around yourself if you wanna walk away and go to your room and take care of it. You can do that too. So I’m sure it happens to lots of people, and I don’t think it’s it’s a huge deal. No fuel coming on get out of there. If you’re really that worried damn U N arby’s. Oh, you can feel it coming on the blood flows. So usually, there’s a sensation. Like, all of a sudden, you got a hard on the Jala, no reason, I don’t know it can happen pretty quickly. But I’m just saying if you even if you have ten or fifteen seconds, if you get real quick hard ons, you can wrap a towel around yourself at your fast runner too. I’m a really fast runner sprint somewhere. Okay. Next question actually wanna to go back because we missed the last part of that other person’s question they asked what to do if their partner won’t go to therapy. And I hear this a lot people will say I want to work on the relationship, but my partner won’t go to therapy. If your partner won’t go to. Therapy. Go by yourself, please don’t let their refusal to seek help being excused for your own refusal to do the same. Because that’s on you at your therapist. Is there to help you with your own behavior with managing your own emotions with dealing with your own reactions therapist is not there to change your partner’s behavior and the only behavior you can change as your own. So please go to therapy on your own if your partner won’t, go grit answer. Okay. Moving on question. Number eighty two here. Very personal. Can you make my penis bigger? No. I can’t I probably could. But it would be temporary. There are pills and creams and machines that advertise that you can they can make your penis bigger. But for the most part, they don’t work. They do say that a little bit of weight loss can make it look bigger, but it’s not actually bigger some people resort to surgery. They overwhelmingly though are not satisfied with the results. So we don’t tend to recommend surgery. I’ll just say that your penis is amazing. It’s fine. It’s lovely. I’m sure it’s big enough. So please don’t worry the tra- McGrath around the tree. So that it looks bigger, right? That’s another option shave down. No that lawn mowing the lawn. Okay. Great next question is shrinkage real you just referred to this shrinkage Israel. So what happens is the muscles in the penis contract. When they’re exposed to cold temperatures in this causes a flaccid penis to appear Schneider. But don’t worry. It’s a it’s a function of the sympathetic nervous system, and it’s super temporary. The Pena’s will come back. You will head Pocono. What’s what’s that saying? I’m grower. Not a show her. Well, that’s true. Some people are growers in some people are shores. So some people are larger when they’re flaccid, and they don’t grow quite as much when they get racked. And some people are smaller when they’re flaccid. And then when they get in a wreck Shen the change or the growth is more significant whatever you are just say that you’re a girl or notice show. No matter. Why motor what okay does my partner a say in my porn habits? And a parents a whole bunch of follow up questions to that question. Okay. So does your partner he to San your porn habits? Okay. I see two sides to this. You have a say in terms of having the right to speak up about how you feel. You don’t have a right to dictate how your partner behaves, and I’m not sure you would want to. So if they have a desire to engage in a specific behavior. Hopefully, you want them to be able to indulge. And if you can’t agree on porn you. Use. I would say that might be a sign that you’re potentially sexually incompatible. But I would say that overall as long as porn isn’t interfering in your daily interactions. So for example, you can’t go to work. You can’t hold a conversation. You can’t have a job. You can’t have relationships porn isn’t generally, a real problem for most people. So to say, do you get us say sure, I mean, you you can contribute your feelings and desires, but it doesn’t mean that your partner has to oblige all of them. So I know they have a bunch of questions on this one. So the follow up question is is it your right to tell your partner, you’d prefer.
00:15:04 – 00:20:11
They didn’t want porn if it makes you jealous or if you’re comfortable with with it. I think they mean watch points or watch porn opposed to is it your right to tell your partner, you’d prefer. They didn’t watch porn if it makes you jealous or you aren’t comfortable with it. And where is the line between advocating for what you? Want and being controlling well. Of course, you can tell them you feel jealous. You can tell them you feel uncomfortable. You have a right to express how you feel and they have a right to express how they feel about using porn. You might say. When you watch that porn. I feel jealous. I feel uncomfortable. Because I feel like I’m not as hot as those people or as talented or as flexible or a can’t take nine inches in my mouth, and they can say will. I actually really like using porn because it’s exciting. It makes me feel passionate entertains me, and you’re both entitled to your feelings. And you’re also responsible for your own feelings. So your partners behavior can affect how you feel but your emotional response is more complex than that. It’s influenced by so many different factors, including your past your sexual values, your sexual associations your mood. Your sleep your previous relationships your own experiences with porn, it’s not all on your partner. It’s not as simple as a leads to be. She he watches porn. Therefore, I feel terrible about myself. It’s a little bit more complex than that. So I think you can ask your partner to take your feelings into consideration. And you can ask them to engage in dialogue about porn use. And hopefully, they’ll be willing to listen and consider and validate your feelings. But this doesn’t mean that they have to adjust their behaviour to suit your needs or to make you feel better. Maybe you need to adjust the way you think to make yourself feel better. It’s not all on them. And of course, you know, if you’re expressing feelings of owner ability, I would hope that they’d respond with care and love and reassurance. If on the other hand, you’re making accusations and directing blame and saying, oh, you’re disgusting. You watch porn or you’re obsessed with that something’s wrong with you. It’s unlikely that they’re going to respond with love and support. They’re probably going to get defensive and come at you with their own acusations. So the way you approach these topics matters. What about telling them not to watch certain kinds of porn that you’re ethically opposed to like free porn, which is often exploitive exploitative or porn scenes that are degrading to women. Will I would say it’s not uncommon to feel uncomfortable. In response to seems that depict certain acts or experiences, for example, degradation or age play or other sex topics that you consider taboo, but it’s also not uncommon to be roused by these scenes. And in fact, some people are simultaneously aroused and disgusted and that can be quite an intense experience and just because of Hennessy makes you uncomfortable. Doesn’t mean that it’s inherently bad because it’s just a fantasy being depicted. I think it’s important to remember that when actors in porn can sent to performing a degradation seen, for example. They’re not personally being degraded there actors playing a role for pay with consent. So we tend to look at sexual depictions. Differently than we look at other fictional depiction. So if there’s a movie where an actor gets shot up, and they’re bleeding or their dismembered or something like that. We don’t see those bodies as being degraded. We see it as an actor playing a role in exchange for pay. And I think we should afford the same agency and respect to porn actors as well. They are consenting to playing a role. If your partner has an issue with your porn habits, should you change them. Or should you tell them? It’s your choice. A lots of questions about this. So I would always suggest that you consider your partner’s feelings. Okay. And think about whether you want to change your habits if you do something because you feel forced to do. So it’s unlikely that you’ll follow through, and it’s more likely that you’ll find yourself frustrated and feeling resentful and going back to those habits. I think that some changes might more be more doable. So maybe they don’t want you to watch porn at the dinner table. And then others might feel like a violation of your own sexual rights. If they say, no, I don’t want you watching porn at all. So I think you might want to ask yourself this person. Who’s asking the questions, I’m not sure which side they’re on. But why are you uncomfortable with porn uncomfortable with porn in the first place? Do you consider the same moral personal issues when you look at other forms of entertainment, like I referenced a Hollywood movie were music video or is your dislike really just reserved for porn alone.
00:20:11 – 00:25:05
Or are you fearful that porn sets the standard to which you can’t compared you feel as though you’re not enough for your partner. Are you jealous that there are spending more time online than with you? And that is that really with porn or are they doing other things? So I think it’s important to consider all of these questions talk about how you feel and consider also what you can do to adjust your feelings as opposed to solely making demands on your partner. So you know, there were number question. In that series overall. I hope you’re both considering one another’s needs and feelings, and hopefully, you can find some common ground. I would say that for instance, if I love porn, and you feel that porn is something that should never be in a relationship. I think we’re gonna run into an impasse. That is ultimately going to amount to an insurmountable compatibility issue. You can’t you can’t be with everyone. I I always say that you can, cultivate, compatibility with many people, but you have to be willing to and you know, there’s certain values that perhaps you’re not willing to compromise on. Well, let’s lighten up the next question. Does Brandon have a brother? Oh, Brennan has a brother do his name’s Jonathan wear his address it. Good, dude. He is he we’re very different. My brother has four children. So his time is limited your dimes limited. My time is limited to all all agree with that. My brother is very creative, very artistic. Yeah. He’s the opposite of you. I can’t draw beans he’s my age. So he’s to two years younger than me Bandon, and he’s getting married in the south of France is in a month. Yeah. Looking forward to that. I won’t give his Instagram handle. No. So I’m guessing that person was interested in drama them. But Jonathan’s marrying an are lovely sister-in-law. So no dice on that one. That’s what you are asking our next question. If my wife has a small clitoris, can she still have orgasms? Oh, yes. I don’t know of any evidence suggesting that the size of sexual organs impacts experience of pleasure. And the thing with the clitoris is you can’t see most of it. Right. Most of the parts of the clitoris are buried beneath the skin. So when you say she has a small clitoris, and that’s my Canadian accent? By the way, I know many of you say clitoris, but I say, Taurus, you might not be able to tell how big her tauruses, I’m guessing that you’re talking specifically just about the head of the clitoris or the glands it might be difficult to see because sometimes retracts beneath the hood of the Taurus, or what we also call the foreskin. So it looks smaller. But as she becomes more turned on her co Torres, actually swells and becomes Iraq. So the internal legs and the balls and shaft and all those lovely parts aren’t visible to you. So just rubbing the entire Volva can feel really good. And if she is having trouble having orgasms, it’s probably not because of the size of the head of her clitoris, try other things try rubbing the entire Volvo with your hands. Try using your mouth try vibrator. I don’t think it has to do with size. It’s kind of like the male shrinkage question retraction, not the question. But just you made reference to how the clitoris the clitoris when it didn’t learn grosses with blood that it actually protrudes, you know, what I’m saying the shrinkage element. Yeah. But but interestingly, Brandon as you become more aroused, sometimes the head of the Taurus will actually hide back under the foreskin at because it becomes two cents to make things more difficult for men or for the person that’s pleasing. Now. It doesn’t make it more difficult. It’s because you’re annoying us and pressing it like doorbell doing away from you. But that is for men and women who do that. They know better. Okay. Next question. What is my penis? Keep dripping after I p o we hear about this from so many men, and there’s just a an anatomical explanation, the internal your reachable finger. So the muscle that basically pinches the. P whole closed is several inches from the tip of your penis. So some urine gets trapped on the other side the outside. So there’s some stuff that can come out of there in few shakes can just help to empty it out or you can run your finger along the underside from base to tip to get the rest of the liquid out be careful. Shakes to shakes his Opole. Joke around about that you’d be at the urinal finishing up. And there’s always that one person who’s giving like eighteen shakes. It’s like, you know, kind of borderline man, do you know what I saw on Facebook today. I saw post for a university dorm that offered a warning that you are not allowed to masturbate in the shower.
00:25:05 – 00:30:02
The public shower it contravenes their rules of conduct and then which makes sense to me. And I’m glad that the reminding people to masturbate in their dorm rooms. But the funny thing was this is why I’m not sure if it’s real or not it also stated that semen is a major cost to clogging the drain. So my question is first of all how do they know it seaman did they reach in there and say, oh, this substance is definitely seminal fluid. I’m I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. I’m trying to I’m thinking of some grossness right now somebody cleaning the pipes and being like this cemon. That’s a problem after cleaned out there. Dad joke real. Here’s the thing. Though. I don’t believe that semen is actually clogging the drains, I’m more interested. How this came about? Because if it’s a communal shower, you hearing somebody first thing in the morning midday afternoon, lathering up, and then you hear that. How’d you do that? Do you really need me to explain everybody? Dude again. Put you away. That was really rapid to shake suppo- got to do quickly. Yeah. So I don’t believe that the semen is clogging the drains, by the way, I think hair would be more of a problem. They just don’t want you masturbating in the shower, folks reading your room. Yeah. But you know, what? Sometimes you have roommates. Aren’t people in the communal shower while I’m guessing that the showers also have stalls. So you don’t see anyone we’re kinda stalls though, because the nineteen eighties bathroom stall where there’s a four inch gap between the door and the wall, you can pretty much whoever’s in the stall, I’ve never been in those really I can’t remember those. Anyway, anyhow, go masturbate in your room in Ryan, it there you go. Okay. Next question. Just started dating since graduating college and being with a not so great boyfriend for four years starting line there. I’m not sure what a healthy relationship should really look like can you? Tell me some signs of a toxic relationship. I wanna know what to look for to make sure it’s not an unhealthy situation. Oh, well, I hope that you can trust your own intuition. I guess you could see specific signs that your relationship is unhealthy. But you may also just want to consider more generally how a new partner, and how new relationship affects your sense of self more on in a general way. So how do you feel about yourself within the context of your relationship because I think this can be an indicator of the relationship quality in satisfaction. Do you like yourself when you’re with your partner? Do you feel confident and you feel light and cared for when you’re in their presence? Do you feel free to really be yourself? And if you find that you feel more confident when you’re apart or when you’re on your own it might be a sign that the relationship is taking a toll on your self worth. So I guess if you really want signs of toxic relationship, I would say number one if you feel as though you’re walking on eggshells with. Your partner. If you’re nervous that almost anything in Oculus that you say or do may result in there, you know, hurt feelings or unnecessary conflict. If you find that you have to adjust your behavior to suit their needs without really considering your own needs. You may also find that you start to adjust the way you speak, you might hide private communication with friends or family, maybe feel pressure to change the way you dress or behave. I think that would be a sign that it’s not so healthy. In terms of the way, you communicate in the way your fight the way you fight sometimes in an unhealthy situation. Somebody will hold a prior act or transgression over your head and sort of use it like a weapon in arguments or use it to manipulate conversations. So for example, if you forgot their birthday last year does this new partner constantly bring it up with you. When you disagree in order to get their way in order to make you feel badly in if they’re really hung up on something. From the past. I think it’s important to sit down and address the topics you can both move on and not allow these past issues to shape the future. And then I suppose from a more broad based perspective, if you find that you feel more critical than positive or complementary that might be a sign that it’s not so healthy, you know, in a happy relationship, you likely have far more positive interactions than negative ones. But if you find that you’re critical of one another more on a daily basis, you might wanna check in discuss how you’re feeling, and maybe there’s an underlying issue you need to address, you know, you asked specifically for signs, and I don’t think that there are ever surefire signs, but those are some things that you might look for.
00:30:02 – 00:30:53
But again overall, I think relationship quality is often measured by how you feel about yourself within the context of that relationship Gruden, sir. Sure. Thanks bay. Well, we’re going to have to stop there because it is the long weekend. We are running out of time wherever you’re at. We hope you have a lovely weekend. Hopefully, don’t work too hard. We’re going to be working, but we’re going to be enjoying some sunshine. So no complaints here. Again, big. Thank you to you for listening. Thank you to desire resorts desire cruises for your ongoing support. Thanks for doing this, babe. Thanks for interviewing me, providing expert answer have a great one, folks. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.
