March 1, 2019
Sex-Positive Parenting & How To Talk To Your Kids About Porn
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How do you talk to your kids about porn? How do you teach consent from a young age? How do you have awkward conversations about sex? What does it mean to be a sex-positive parent? Melissa Pintor Carnagey joins Jess and Brandon to share her advice and insights on these topics and more.
You can find Melissa online at sexpositivefamilies.com. They have downloadable guides, resources, podcast episodes and blog posts that offer education to help families raise sexually healthy children. One of their most popular resources is our Sex Positive Families Reading List with over 100 curated books about sexual health topics for children and adults of all ages.
Follow Melissa on…
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Check out Jess’ thoughts on how to talk to your kids about porn below:
The landscape of sex has changed since we were kids with sexting, mobile porn and social media shaping the way young people learn about sex.
With explicit content at their fingertips, talking to our children about sex and porn is more important than ever. And as uncomfortable as a conversation about porn may be, there is no avoiding it if we want to support our children in developing healthy attitudes toward intimacy, sexuality and relationships. While there is no perfect formula for addressing such a sensitive and subjective topic, we have a few tips for making the conversation count:
Ask questions without judgment
Parents often wonder how to start a conversation about sex and it is common to have serious concerns with regard to exactly how much information they should reveal. One of the best ways to address these concerns is to ask questions to help understand what your kids have seen, learned and heard about sex and porn. Ideally, you’ll want to address the topic before your child is exposed to the material, but many young people click on adult content inadvertently.
If your young child has clicked on a porn link accidentally, you might want to ask him what he saw and what he thought of the images, language and content. By remaining neutral in tone, language and facial expressions, you can encourage your child to express himself without fear of judgment.
If you’ve found adult links on your child’s computer, you might ask her what she felt when viewing the videos and emphasize that both positive, negative and conflicting reactions are normal. Other questions to guide your discussion might include:
What do you know about porn/sex?
Do your friends ever talk about porn/sex and if so, what have you heard?
How did you feel about what you saw?
When your child presents you with a question about a sex term or sex act (e.g. What is intercourse?), you can turn the tables and ask him/her what s/he already knows. This is the perfect teachable moment to dispel any misinformation and learn a bit more about your child’s sources of sex information which may range from schoolyard friends and older siblings to the internet and television programs.
Fill in the blanks with age-appropriate information.
Depending on your child’s age and your comfort level, you can fill in as much or as little information as you deem suitable. Sex education is most effective when it is age appropriate; for example, a four year old can understand the basics of reproduction (a man and a woman are needed to create a baby), whereas a 7 year-old can grasp the basic concepts of intercourse (the penis goes in a vagina). Answering your child’s questions about sex and porn from such an early age may seem counterintuitive, but research continues to confirm that learning accurate information about sex (including both positive and negative outcomes) does not lead to an increase sexual activity; accurate sex education, however, does lead to positive sexual interactions and relationships in the future.
Though experts can offer guidelines and tips with regard to how to approach this sensitive topic, as a parent, nobody knows your child as well as you do. You are the ultimate expert, so trust your own instincts and take comfort in knowing that you don’t have to have all the answers.
Draw clear lines between reality and fantasy
Children can differentiate between reality and fantasy from a young age and learn to do so through various media. For instance, they understand that a character in a story is make-believe or that a film-based superhero is just an actor in-costume. This is an important message to be drawn from porn: it is make-believe and the sexual experiences, expressions and actions are simply performances by actors.
Clarify that a range of reactions are normal.
Whether you approve or disapprove of porn, it is possible that your reactions can be at odds with your moral viewpoint. This is an important point to reiterate to your child after s/has has revealed his/her reactions to you. Whether s/he felt scared, upset, anxious, excited or turned on, offer reassurance that many reactions (including a mix of opposing feelings) are normal.
Dispel porn myths without shame
Unfortunately, many young people learn about sex through porn.
The results of utilizing entertainment as education can be disastrous for our conceptions of sexual communication, negotiations and experience. Reminding our children that pornography’s portrayal of gender, sex and pleasure does not reflect the diverse range of real experiences can lay the groundwork for fundamental critical thinking and healthy relationship skills.
Create an open dialogue
Talking about sex can be tricky and it’s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable with the topic. But the more comfortable you become, the more likely your child will come to you with questions and concerns. To increase your comfort with the subject and language, practice saying sex terms (e.g. orgasm, penis, vagina) over and over again in the mirror or with your partner. You’ll probably feel silly at first, but it will make the tough conversations that much easier when they do arise.
If your child comes to you with questions for which you don’t have the answers, fear not. Use this opportunity to admit that you’re not omniscient and look for reliable resources online that both you and your child can use in the future. You may want to start with SexualityU.ca as an adult resource that offers guidelines, suggestions and even sex and porn-related parenting scenarios.
Follow-up
Gone are the days of having the talk with your kids about sex, porn and other nerve-wracking issues. With technology changing the ways in which we learn, interact, date and hook-up, discussions related to sex need to be ongoing. If the topic of porn comes up in conversation, be sure to follow-up at a later date to ask if your child has learned anything new or had any further interactions with adult material.
By keeping the lines of communication open an an ongoing basis, you’re more likely to have conversations about sex, porn and other difficult topics before problems arise. Accordingly, these discussions are more likely to be constructive as opposed to reactionary, as you’ll have time to prepare for and shape the dialogue as you see fit. Whatever approach you embrace, know that you can always revisit the conversation and don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t have to cover everything in one sitting and you’re already a great parent for even considering the sensitive and awkward topic of porn and parenting.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Sex-Positive Parenting & How To Talk To Your Kids About Porn
00:00:05 – 00:05:01
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sex and relationship advice, you can use tonight. Hey, hey, this is just so Riley your friendly neighborhood sexologist here with my partner Brendan wear and I want to say thank you to you for tuning in. And of course, before we get started a big, thanks to desire resorts, check them out. Get naked have good Sime rusher. Now, you don’t have to get naked. But you can get naked them. Once. You’ve swam songs bikini. You are not gonna wanna swim in swimsuit again with marina bikini, feels really good. You don’t even know what it’s like Brennan. So afraid that fissure going to bite his junk Datta freaks one time. Something did by nipple for real. That was me. No. It was not you. There’s no proof. That officials is nipple. How do you get proved or have to they have to draw blood? I want to see fish bite marks. Today. We’re going to be talking about sex positive parenting in raising kids who are sexually aware who understand consent who are kind and empathetic and prepared to be in happy relationships as they get older, and I come from a teaching background. I am in this field because I was a high school teacher. I saw firsthand the cost of education system that was not meeting the needs of our young people. So I had students coming to me with reports of sexual assaults. I had students coming to me with unplanned, pregnancies many of them at students coming asking where to get the morning after pill talking about the condom breaking had students who because I was teaching teenagers were living with partners already or in abusive relationships, if you don’t live that reality, you don’t realize how prevalent it. I’m not. A teacher, and I never have been. And I feel like you’re you’re insular in terms of your network, and who you hang out with and because those people don’t share that. They don’t come to you often. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen occasionally. But to hear this regular occurrence from you about students and young adults. It’s surprising. How frequent in common? I think it really is. Right. And it was every week. It wasn’t like a one off thing. Now when you were kid when you are teen. Did you ask anyone questions really ask anybody questions? I mean, my experience growing up was an I’m not old, man. I’m forty one. But I’m not young. Thanks feel good. But the the reality is that I predate access to you porn or any other porn hub and seeing porn. I remember friend of mine who he found this like vault of porn. I just parents, and it was mind blowing and it was just evolves. It was great. How you show your only forty one. It was. Yeah. Okay. It wasn’t a vault. But it was many filing cabinets full of porn. And we were like what it was like hitting the jackpot, and how old were you probably like beef bean. Would you do with it? We consumed hours of porn, and I probably had to mentally store things to take home with me to to self pleasure later on. But it was like listen, I watched the squiggly late at night, man. No one knows what that is. Except for like a few dozen people were at one o’clock in the morning. On cable television. They used to put porn would come on on channel light ninety seven or one o two. And every now, and then you’d see like a squiggly nipple through and you hear the actors in the background getting it on. You’re like. Oh, yeah. Every now, and then you get the jackpot there. And you’d get a free video. It was mind blowing the satellites would align. Nasa would mess stars with alignment getting me, call it the squids. Well, it was a d scrambled from a sad thing when that happened or yet, watch fashion television just to see a net three maybe an apple and just didn’t have access to anything. Now. It’s ubiquitous ubiquitous it’s everywhere. You can’t I searched like properties for sale in Toronto. And somehow a porn site pops up. Well, that sounds like a lie. You get what I’m saying? I do I do. And so young people have access to porn and people are very concerned about this access, and that’s why sex education and talking about porn matters more than ever because young people have access to more images more video more data than they ever have in human history. And what they require is context, and they need conversation. And so we’re here to talk about it.
00:05:01 – 00:10:00
Joining us today to talk about raising sexually healthy kids. How to talk to your kids about sex is the founder of sex positive families, Melissa Pinter Carnegie, and I have been following your work admiring your work learning from your insights for quite some time. Now, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. And can you tell us your story, you are a sex educator, your social worker, how did you get into this field specifically? Yeah. So it’s been a journey of a little over a decade. I started out. It was from a draw a hat really in my undergraduate so short class which was about twelve years ago now, and I had to do a paper that had to do the certain population. And I drew from the hat of the population of HIV aids. So what services were available in our area for that? I’d already grown up without realizing it with just a real interest in HIV community grew up during a time. When movies were coming out in books coming out about the HIV virus in. So it just it was a good fit in that respect. But what I learned when I researched what was going on in our particular area, which just how disproportionately the black community is impacted by HIV, of course, myself being a black individual color, very much was drawn to one of those reasons, and how can I how? Be a part of of change in what what could possibly make things different. And so then that catapulted me into internship with aids service organization than work in. So that was really how I got into sexual health, and it centered adults in so I did that for decade in the nonprofit sector in state government as consultant, and then I just kinda hit a wall. You know? Working a lot more in cubicle environments and doing some travelling across the state of Texas, but I felt like I just had an inch that Mike creativity. And the impact that I wanted to have inserting folks around sexual health was was greater than what was what was kind of filling limited to and so I took a brave step of stepping out of that and stepping toward a working with families because another big part of my story is that apparent in apparent for twenty years. Now, I was young parent into raising children to within attention to their sexual health is been something personally that has been poured to me because I grew up like many of us adults today without great sex education with very silenced culture at home around talking about sex. And so I knew that I wanted to make sure that my children had more information more support around that. So that’s really where I might transition to working with families focusing on children in supporting parents has been able to marry my professional experience as a social worker in the field of sexual health in seeing how sexual health impacts quality of life, and then my personal experience of raising children firsthand to be sexually healthy. That’s that’s really how sex positive families has been born. You talk about your children. How old are your children in? How would you say you are raising them differently than people perhaps who don’t have the same background that you you know, that you have the privilege to have learned from. Yeah. So my oldest will be twenty next month, actually, which is wild tangles fire early fast out of the woods. You know, I am her senior European school. I kind of had like this this moment. Russ like, oh, I could could have been free. It’s just a mix of motions anyone who has a child it’s transitioning out of high school in that was one of the thoughts because I also have a mine year old nine year old son, and then my partner, and I have a bone. I have a bonus son who’s five years old. So were kind of all over the place in terms of the ages in the stages, and with my daughter in particular, she’s girl identified, and I knew that it was just so important that she understood her body, and that she understood her rights to pleasure. And so in her earlier years, we read a lot of books at centered body awareness and back, then it was you know, it’s not the store was the popular in.
00:10:00 – 00:15:06
This was before the great books that Corey Silverberg has other more inclusive. But just normalizing getting to know her body and making sure that she had a confidence around talking about these topics. We’ve just progressed as she’s grown up through different stages. Just our conversations having volved the ways in which I meet her curiosities and the different experiences that she has just being a support being an ear end. Allowing her the space to explore how she navigates the world as it relates to her her body autonomy and her sexuality, and you use the word words, right to pleasure. And I think when some parents hear the word pleasure. It’s scary to them because when we think of old school sex education, it was all scare tactics. But why do you see pleasure as integral to raising actually healthy kids who will? Grow into adults who can have sexually healthy relationships. Why is pleasure? So important. Yeah. This great question. So when we know what’s pleasurable to us as human beings, we are able to then also identify. What’s not pleasurable to us and that really runs up against, you know, safety and consent. And so making sure that children have that space to explorer, what their body tells them in moments that will have nothing to do with sex. You know early on in. That’s that’s the challenge that a lot of parents may have is there if they’re acquainting adult sexuality or rata schism to the concept of pleasure, but pleasure Israeli something that should be accessible to everyone knows a human right? And that it is something that is experienced even in the womb. And and then as in infancy often. That’s realized through attachment that a caregiver will have with an infant, and then just progresses in when it gets to something like masturbation, which you can feel like a a sensitive, touchy or awkward topic. Maybe for some parents, which would be totally normal because our societies definitely really over sexualize and. In make sex eight taboo, shame based topic. But really sexuality is life span in. So when you see that that way that it’s not something that you age into you know, where that is just for teens adults that sexuality is something that that is evolving in exists at a very early age. And so parents being able to help support that is supporting safety. So that children grow to have healthy satisfying consensual pleasurable sex lives. And I think there’s a fear for many parents that their child will ever be sexual soya. Appreciate that reminder that this is a life span experience as opposed to something that is a a debut debut at a certain it, and you talk about pleasure being inherent to understanding consent. And I’ve heard you talk in the past about building a culture of consent at home and as a sex educator. I know that people think we’re always talking about sex. When in fact were often talking about communication boundaries bodily Atanas autonomy. Speaking up speaking when you like something when you don’t like something, and I often talk about cultivating. Foundational skills that have nothing to do with sex that you eventually transition into sexual relationships. So when you say building, a culture of consented home, what do you mean by that? What’s a specific way, you can build a culture of consent that may not in fact have to do with sex from the onset. So one rule that we have in our home is that no one has to ever say the words, no or stop or anything that setting boundary more than once. So no matter what if someone sets boundary, then that’s respected in listen to there’s no such thing. As like, oh, come on. You know there. There’s none of that kind of manipulation that happens. And again that has nothing to do with sex in very much just about body Valerie’s. Another one is that we ask permission for things like hugs or forms of affection kisses. So may I give you a hug is something that I say every day. My child says every day. My son in this. This is how we understand that. Our bodies are hours, and we don’t have the right to other people’s bodies.
00:15:06 – 00:20:03
No one has the right to our bodies in such like little little things like that in like at the dinner table when when he’s had enough or if he wants more of a certain food or meal, then he has a boys in he has the right to communicate that, and then that’s again that communication piece if if there are limits around how much food or anything that’s a discussion that we have otherwise he he feels able and entitled to have that voice to communicate what his body is telling him at any given time. So we’re not forcing him to eat anymore, or we’re not restricting, you know, things to the point where he’s not. He’s feeling like his body is being directed by someone else. I love the. I love the idea that, you know, building a culture of consent at home, but I can picture people right now rolling their eyes about apparent asking their child if I can hug them. So how did you introduce this just because I’m like a lot of people there that, you know, do not do this at home may think how am I gonna even begin this process, and I think some people feel entitled to their today? Yes. So how how do you even confront that entitlement within yourself? If you are somebody, for instance, listening who thinks well, we’re taking this too far, you feel that it’s it’s a bit of an old guard because I could see for instance, people in my family responding that way, and I would be willing to go up against them. But how do we introduce this in a way that people might be open to considering this new perspective? Yeah. So one thing that has really come up in in this work. I mean, it it centers parents in caregivers, but something that has been extrordinary to see especially to the social media platforms is how many adults who don’t even have children or see themselves as caregivers of children are saying. Wow. These concepts are really taking me back to my childhood, and some experiences that I had on tickling is one of the topics that really does that for people where they see that there were specific moments specific ways in which they were they grew up in. They were forced to to be in positions of touch with other people that they really truly in their gut in their own instincts didn’t feel safe or comfortable or desired desire to do that. And so what I have found effective. Is when people can really take a look at their own journey their own history around these different things in what that’s looked like in more often than not people can identify some early experiences that they had where they truly didn’t get to have a voice around their body, and again may have had nothing to do with sex. I think this is where we see the me too movement right now with our current generation of adults being so prevalent, so many people impacted by this across all gender identities because they’re just has not been that emphasis early on that foundation. That sends the message that children are not toys. They’re not play things. They’re not for others to to director have ownership over that. They truly are separate in whole individuals. Yes for parenting caregiving role. We. We will be positioned to provide levels of care for them until they can independently do so, but they they are separate in whole. And if we really want to prepare them to keep them safer and physician them for safety in safer interactions with others in our being able to help them practice. Those skills in practice the communication at home. Starting early is is the best most effective way to do that. So we really have to take ego out of that as parents, and and create the space that allows our young people to really shine and feel confident within their theirselves. Talking about introducing these concepts and sex education at home with your children. I mean, we don’t have children I can only reflect on my own personal experience growing up. I went to a Catholic high school. I’m not Catholic. We were we were literally taught the rhythm method. My parents at home were and if you’re not familiar with the rhythm method, obviously not you necessarily, but people at there. It was like time it around the women’s ministration cycle and being fifteen learning. That was crazy. And that certainly doesn’t account for other concerns like STI transmission? Yeah.
00:20:03 – 00:25:05
Definitely my parents would say, and I’m not faulting them because they were likely extremely uncomfortable. But they said to me this was the sex. Ed, don’t come home with the kid. It wasn’t about S T. Is it wasn’t anything else? It wasn’t about comfort. Pleasure. Any of those concepts? It was don’t come home with kit. And that’s funny. ’cause I still say that you don’t don’t come home with. So when you talk about introducing pleasure that was it. I don’t think it was ever on the radar for my parents. So at what point do you start? Introducing these concepts because I think this red flag goes off with a lot of friends that I have that have young children were there is this fear that oh my gosh, the sex sex. Ed curriculum is changing and now they’re teaching my kindergarten child about anal sex and the pleasure associated with at or about all of these topics in. It’s a fear of the unknown. So how do you go about? Introducing these concepts at different ages with children. Yeah. So it definitely is progressed conversation. You know? The example, for example, like anal sex and kindergarten that those things wouldn’t so much matchup. Definitely within the earlier years of preschool kindergarten. First second grade, those are more of those foundations of you know, what to healthy relationships friendships. What are those things look like what do unhealthy friendships relationships of like what our body parts? Right. What are their functions with really isn’t at the earlier at earlier ages about sex, Ed as people might see it around the topic of sex, but it then progresses into that. And yes, you talk about as moves through you talk about things like menstruation in those particular puberty in body changes in again, gender gender identity. Hell those hell those things are shaped within the world gender messaging and stereotypes on. But one thing that I. I I think many parents when you put it into this context, it really can’t be disputed that the world around us is not waiting. You know when it comes to two children. So lots of children these growing up with devices, cell, phones, and pads and YouTube and access to things at their fingertips. And so it’s so critical that me are setting open conversations space. That’s not rooted in shame or fear. I’m so that they come to us. They feel comfortable coming to us as their as their primary sex educators, essentially, and as people that if something were to happen to them that was unsafe for comfortable, or if they were to see something online or through a phone in even if it’s phone of peers, if they’re going to school outside of the home, you may have the best restrictions at home. Right. The most effective restrictions. But if they’re leaving your home in there going. Two family members homes, or they’re going to school writing school buses, all of those things rest assured that they’re going to be exposed to television and devices, and we know that porn, you know, mainstream porn, porn hub is is just a click away for for young people. And so how are we preparing them to understand the things that they’re seeing that they may hear from their peers? So that they’re not learning incorrect or toxic messaging around these things. That’s right. So when a young person has a question hooves us to answer that question because if we do not answer that question they are not going to the encyclopedia Britannica on your shelf. They are going to we know for instance, in Canada, the number one site for young people is YouTube. They are going to YouTube Facebook and Google, and they may not find the answers that you would like them to find their in fact, there are going to be. Many distractions, and I can tell you even in my work as a sexologist sometimes I will Google something looking for articles and the images and videos that pop up are safe for my work. So. Not necessarily appropriate for a young person. And I want to finish by talking to you about porn because I appreciate the way you break things down in terms of how to have a conversation with young people. A we know that young people are encountering porn, we know that in the absence of effective comprehensive sex education, young people and adults alike are turning to pornography as a form of sex education. So how do we talk to young people about porn? And when do we start? So something that that people may not know suicide from kind of a history working sexual health doing sex positive families in having kids that I raised.
00:25:05 – 00:30:12
I also teach every single week. I’m teaching currently six seventh in twelfth graders sex education. And so the beautiful thing with that is that I am privy than to all of their great curiosities in all tell you porn is something that comes up very regularly in not just a porn. But a lot of the associated messages that porn can’t mainstream porn can send. Because a lot of young people are turning to this like you’re saying in order to get information in gaining perceptive perspectives receptions about what bodies should look like about what sex should look like, we know. Oh that horse. Mainstream porn doesn’t do a good job of showing any kind of safety practices around, you know, sex in terms of SEI or pregnancy prevention in so the messaging really has to start early in when I say early if you’re giving a device or a child has access to a device independent access to time with television or any of those things than it’s a good time to talk with them in terms of responsibility in terms of what images or messages that? They may see at any given time. So you’re earlier conversations may be when they’re around, you know, seven eight nine may not directly relate to porn, you know, you may not necessarily be a introducing that. But sexually explicit media is another term. So that that we tend to use? And so what messages are they seeing what images are they seeing around your body’s around nudity in all of that stuff. And so so really. It again as evolving conversation. So that it’s it’s less likely to be awkward because they see you already someone that they can come to intern to so being able to kind of just open up that space to talk about it. So saying, you know, online the other day and something popped up, you know. And it was it was a naked image of of a person. And it just really made me think that wasn’t something I was searching for, but it really made me think about that time that you might be online has that ever happened to you love to talk about that in. So if you just like, you know, how you can frame it. So that it becomes like a safe in just really genuinely curious way of approaching what have they seen already? Or what might they see you’d be surprised how much they may share with you? If you’ve created that open space about that. And it can lead to them sharing Owen, my friend. So, and so, you know, had this on their phone, and it just gives you that door that opens up to the. Their world. I appreciate that. You’re asking what they have seen what they know or how they feel because that’s a dialogue as opposed to don’t. You dare don’t you look at that? That’s for adults. That might be a part of the message that yes, it certainly attended a intended for adults, but the dialogue is is so important. And so I think if you’re letting the groundwork from young age, you’re already on the right path if perhaps you’ve been more tended to more nervous, and you haven’t started from younger age, maybe your child is a little bit older. Now, how can you open that conversation? What specific language would you suggest if either you believe your child is watching porn or you’ve seen them watching porn? How might you respond to that? When they’re no let’s say twelve thirteen years old. I always say honesty, honesty, invulnerability are two things. You wanna keep in your tool kit. When it comes to parenting. Thing certainly parenting in a sex positive way. So if you realize that you might have been creating a home culture that hasn’t been so open around these topics. It’s children really understand in contempt into embassy in such just a moment where you’re feeling compelled to to bring this up just come to them in make sure that this that it’s at a time in space where you’re not distracted you or not distracted on with any other things or on the defensive and to say, you know, what I really wanted to talk to you about something. I realized that we may not have done the best job of talking together about some topics, and I really want to to do better with that. I also tell parents that storytelling can be really powerful. And so if for example, because a lot of times parents are operating from their own narrative, if they’re feeling really really afraid to open up these conversations, not sure how. Many times that may because they grew up with really repressive or restrictive home cultures around talking about these things so sharing with the with the child of the team just saying, you know, what I’ve struggled to talk to you about these things because when I was growing up your grandparents, I didn’t have a home that we could talk about this.
00:30:12 – 00:35:03
But I’d like to do differently. I wanna make sure that you’re prepared for the things that you might see or for your future when you decide to, you know, step into sex with other people in so just kind of starting from a really vulnerable place. So that again, it’s dialogue. It’s a conversation. Invent winning it up to you know, I really wanna talk to you about porn. What what do you already know about four and then silence? Let them speak in. If it’s been household where this has not been something open. It would not be unusual that the child may not give a lot initially because they’ve already adapted to environment with these things aren’t. Safe to talk about. But that’s just feedback. That doesn’t mean you stop there or that this is to neared instead say, I get it that this probably is gonna feel maybe a little uncomfortable at first because we haven’t talked about this. But I love I try and say, well, you know, here’s I wanna make sure we’re on the same page. Here’s what porn is appointed entertainment. It’s not sex education. And I wanna make sure that you get some facts around porn in open up that conversation. And even if that first time you talk about it. There’s more silence on their end, you’ve planted a seed, and so rest assured, if you keep kind of finding those opportunities in this teachable moments that they’ll be more likely to come back to you and kinda test engage you as a support. I really appreciate that. Because it’s not a one time conversation when we were kids, you know, they used to joke about having the talk, but this is an ongoing converstation end it applies similarly to relationships sometimes to work through an ad. Adult relationship any issue, whether it’s sexual or otherwise, it is not a one shot conversation. So we can’t afford to give up because we’re uncomfortable that first time top that you make reference to awkward conversations. Like, how many times have we had on comfortable conversations and so much positive has come out of it? But again, it’s it’s it’s starting this earlier sounds like it’s the best thing that you can do or early as possible. In fact, I saw an Instagram post of yours, no sex positive families has a huge community in active community. I know you have over thirty thousand parents and adults who are really committed to the cause. But I saw post about all the body parts. So penis Lova Gress and all the language around it and one of the best things I remember from another sex educator, when I was in school being taught that if you can practicing those words while you’re changing them when they’re. Maybe they don’t even understand you. It’s not so much for them as it is for you. Because you can’t talk about how. Well, it’s your head your shoulders, your knees. Your toes? This have to be able to say penis penis penis when I trained teachers we sit in the classroom, and we say penis and vulva over and over again until they get their giggles out. So everything you’re saying really resonates with me, I’m such a fan of the work that you’re doing I know that you have a guide to raising sexually healthy children across every age and stage on your website. So encouraged people to go to sex positive families dot com, we’ll be sure to Lincoln all our social media. But before I let you go. If there’s one thing that a parent can do today to improve the conversation to deepen the connection so that they are reasoning sex positive children where should they wear might. They begin. I say just start. So today think about again kids from different ages. And so that connection. And may start in look differently. But as parents these days, we can be really busy. We can be really preoccupied in considering other directions. But all of this work is rooted in connection. And so, you know, thinking about how can you open up space in that can happen in a moment every single day to wear that connection has a safe place to land in so asking questions staying curious getting to hear listen in prioritize what they have to say what’s going on with their day. What’s going on at any time with their body and end, just creating that connected culture at home. That’s that’s a huge part of it. And so can it may not have anything to do with sex right now or today? But that’s that connection is what is going to make it safe for them to bring curiosities your way or for you to initiate a new conversation every day.
00:35:04 – 00:40:03
I really appreciate that night. I like that you said just asking them how they’re feeling, but because those vulnerable conversations are good for everyone. They’re laying the groundwork for healthy relationships as they grow into adults and I’ll keep following along and encourage everybody to follow along as well sex, positive families dot com. Really appreciate your time. And your insights, I know that Brennan was sitting here. Nodding the entire time. A lot of notes I will lie. Much but still named don’t bring a kid home. Don’t kid home. That was the lesson. They make like Lido. Yes. Yes. Lido is our pup and she’s sitting right next to us. Thank you again. And where can people find you decide sex positive families dot com? Yes. On Instagram sex, positive underscore families. Are we have a Facebook page Facebook dot com slash sex positive families in like, you said a really active engaged community of people ready to raise sexually healthy children. Thank you again for being here. Thank you. I love the way Melissa’s work focuses on how empathy plays a role in every time. I read her posts or listen to her speak. I’m reminded that the principles of of sex positive parenting, apply in relationship of all sorts to her advice really resonates with me as a non parent because oftentimes when we avoid a conversation, whether it’s with a child or with a partner or with a friend or with ourselves our avoidance and our discomfort is rooted in our own shame our own upbringing own experiences. So if something feels awkward usually we need to look inward to consider how we’re holding ourselves back is it is at our own pain our own shame our own ego. And until we address this. We can’t really have open conversations. Whether it’s with a child or with the partner, I was hanging out with friends recently and their own discomfort should see discomfort with their. Own inability to have these conversations with their children was really I opening because they wanted to. And it was only when they learned about how the information was being disseminated to their children that they felt even more comfortable and empowered by what was being taught to their children. Right. So this is the couple who is nervous about what was being taught in sex, Ed, but then they went into the school, and they they clarified it criminal through super progressive. And yet he’s got such a healthy relationship with their children. And as soon as they were were informed as to what was being taught. They felt even better because I think it’s like Melissa was saying it’s really difficult to have those conversations if you don’t know how to start right? And you know, when it comes to parenting, it’s quite a task to be a sex educator, if you know sex education yourself, it’s difficult to talk about sex with your child, if you’re uncomfortable even talking to your partner, and it’s hard to talk about safer instance, bodily consent. If you’re not. Not really comfortable standing up for your own. And so I think sometimes people’s objections or trepidation with regard to comprehensive sex education are really rooted in in our own personal hangups is not necessarily about politics. But I wanna talk about sex education across across the lifespan because it starts from day one. It’s not about sex. It’s about the body and safety and communication and the skills. Your child develops in kindergarten may have nothing to do with sex. But their foundational when they learned to stand up for themselves and be assertive. They’ll know how to better communicate boundaries to a partner as they get older when they learned to say, yes, and no to hugs, for example, or kisses from an enter they’ll have the language to say, yes, or no to sexual advantages and pleasure as they age, and when they learned to manage conflict with friend. Ends because starts at four years old or even younger when they learned to manage these conflicts using their words and see positive outcomes they’ll be better equipped to negotiate relationship expectations as teams in his adults. And when they do eventually learn about sex from safer sex to the fact that people do have sex proposer, they won’t be rushing out into the streets to have it. I mean, a wealth of research confirms that talking about sex via comprehensive sex education does not hasten the onset of sexual activity. It can however increase the likelihood that young people will actually enact behaviors that promote positive outcomes. So for example, like speaking up to speaking up with regard to boundaries and using condoms and using other barrier methods, and I am yet to encounter a parent who regrets talking to their child about sex and relationships, even if you’re.
00:40:03 – 00:44:38
Purpose as Melissa says use this nervousness as an opening to show vulnerability and let your kids know that. It’s okay to lean into uncomfortable feelings, if you avoid these conversations you’re conveying to them that if something’s uncomfortable of oil it through a bit keeps popping up, and we’ve talked about it for years where it’s having these uncomfortable or seemingly uncomfortable conversations results in oftentimes positive outcomes and her piece of advice at the very end, which was just start doesn’t matter. If your children are three or four years old or if they’re fourteen or eighteen years old, but you have to start somewhere. I thought that was great. They just start as awkward as uncomfortable as it may seem to be. I’m sure it will be a much more awkward or uncomfortable conversation. When you find out that your child has contracted an STI or has it child or has been abused or didn’t know the boundaries and consent and has them violated. Or is the violator and this not a with such an extreme outcome as as those examples you given up, but I do hope to that. You talk to your kids about porn because there are a few messages that I like to convey when it comes to porn. So usually to ask students like, what do you think? Right. How do you feel what do you already know put the, you know, we call it student centered learning in the classroom, but put the ball in their court. And then remind them that it’s it’s normal to perhaps be attracted to these things. It’s normal to find it arousing or till leading even though it’s not intended for your eyes. It’s intended for an eighteen plus audience, and then please remind them that those are actors those are sexual athletes, those are the Cirque du Soleil performers of sex because in real life. That’s not always or even often what sex looks like and young people can differentiate between fantasy and reality from a very young age. In fact, I think young people. Are better at differentiating between fantasy and reality when it comes to consuming media than adults are when it comes to consuming porn. So they can watch Spiderman and know that they can’t scale a building they can watch NASCAR. And know that you know, mommy, and daddy. Daddy, any parent of any gender can’t drive like that. Shaken bake Brennan, if you haven’t if you don’t know the reference, it’s Talladega nights highbrow humor. Nothing but the best. If you’re not first you’re last. So so I think it’s just really important to convey to them that no matter how you feel about this. We just want you to know that in real life. This may not be what sex looks like if you have these expectations. They may not be realistic that may not be realistic in terms of activities and herbs of body types. In terms of sounds in terms of interactions. I talk all the time about the lack of realism of just delivering a pizza throwing down bending them over and letting your pizza get cold what kind of monster. Let’s pizza get that cold. I really like my thin crust pizza, but usually sex involves some sort of conversation. So you do wanna be talking to young people about porn asking them what they know not with judgment. If you just disallow, you know, that’s going to create an allure an attraction that ease is even more intense for young, folks. So I encourage you to continue following the work of sex positive families. I find that they’re Instagram account interface. But community really offers practical how to advice that is is manageable, and you know, encapsulated in short form. So it offers the shorthand for people looking for quick advice to to to common questions because if you’re running into it with your child other people are running into it too. It’s not like you have the one deviant. They’re a bunch of deviants. So I’m gonna stop there with a big thank you to you for listening. Thanks for joining in today. It was really great. Thank you to Melissa from sex positive families and to desire resorts wherever you’re at hope you have a wonderful week. I hope whether you’re a parent of a young child older child or no child at all that some of the some of the insights shared resonate with. You have a lovely week will be back next Friday with a new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Dr jazz podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.
