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Sex with Dr. Jess

Blog

March 20, 2019

How to Prepare for Your First Orgy or Sex Party

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As a sexologist, I’ve attended my share of sex parties, sex clubs, sex resorts and orgies — it’s all in a day’s work! And I’ve learned so much from attending these events, as seeing real live sex in-the-flesh is a life-changer.

Observing real people engage in genuine connections — physical and emotional — changed the way I felt about sex, my body, pleasure and even aging.

I feel more confident in my skin having seen people of all ages and body types enjoying unfiltered pleasure.

I feel more comfortable with my body’s natural responses (and sometimes non-response), as I’ve seen that a very wide variety of acts and approaches can produce pleasure.

And I feel excited to continue to age, as I’ve spoken to hundreds of couples in their sixties and seventies who continue to experience meaningful connection and intense pleasure.

I was recently interviewed about orgies and sex parties and have included the notes from this interview below.

1) Why might someone / a couple choose to attend an orgy? 

Watching or participating in a sex orgy is a common fantasy, so it’s no surprise that people want to explore the possibility in real life. Some people opt to attend as voyeurs (with permission) and others opt to join in.

You can participate in many different ways — you might choose to play with only one person in the orgy and simply derive pleasure from the sexual energy in the room. Alternatively, you might play with multiple consenting partners. Your play could range from kissing and snuggling to manual, oral and penetrative sex. You might use toys, film the experience, integrate elements of BDSM, wear a blindfold and/or play the role of conductor/orchestrator — all with consent of all parties. The possibilities are endless.

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2) What sort of planning might someone do before attending an orgy (in terms of setting limits and/or rules)? 

You’ll want to consider many questions before attending an orgy. And if you have a partner, you’ll likely want to discuss your rules, boundaries and expectations in advance.

Some questions to consider include:

  • Why do I want to attend an orgy?
  • What am I hoping to get out of the experience?
  • Do I want to watch or participate verbally and/or physically?
  • Am I comfortable playing with new partners or only with the partner with whom I attend?
  • Am I comfortable playing with people I’ve just met or only people with whom I have an existing relationship/friendship?
  • What sex acts do I hope to engage in?
  • Which sex acts are off limits?
  • What safer sex practices will I use?
  • If I’m attending with a partner, how will we check in with one another?
  • How can my partner support me to feel safe, loved and respected in a public play space?
  • How can I support my partner to feel safe, loved and respected during the orgy?
  • What will I do if I’m feeling uncomfortable? If I have a partner, how will I communicate my needs? (“We can read each other” isn’t usually enough. Oftentimes, couples believe they can pick up on body language and facial expressions, but during exciting and tense situations, they’re unable to do so.)
  • What type of flirting and conversation am I comfortable with?
  • What conversation topics are off-limits?

This list in not exhaustive and you’ll want to keep the conversation going — whether it’s your first time or your fifty-fifth.

3) What sort of safety considerations might arise while at an orgy?

In terms of physical safety, you’ll want to discuss safer sex practices ahead of time. Do you plan on using barrier methods for all types of sex — manual, toys, oral, intercourse?

If you’ll be playing with multiple partners, bring extra condoms and dental dams to change barriers in between users.

via GIPHY

4) How can people manage emotional safety while at an orgy?

All sex involves some emotional reaction and whether you’re playing by yourself, with a partner or with multiple partners, you want to prioritize your emotional health. The best treatment is prevention, so learning to be emotionally honest (with yourself and your partner) is an essential life and relationship skill. Prior to attending an orgy, consider a range of scenarios and interactions that might occur and think (and talk) about how you might respond emotionally.

Check out our online course, Mindful Sex, here.

5) What sorts of emotions (and/or other psychological considerations) might arise after attending an orgy?

A range of emotions are possible and valid. Some people feel euphoric and others feel let down. Some feel wired and others are exhausted. Other valid and common emotional responses include: fear, jealousy, elation, excitement, motivation, anxiety, satisfaction, disappointment, fulfilment, confusion, discomfort, confidence, serenity and even regret.

6) How can people manage any emotions (and/or other psychological considerations) that arise afterwards?

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. There is no right way to respond to any sexual experience and you’ll likely find that your feelings shift over time. If you’re uncomfortable with a specific feeling, spend some time considering the source of the feeling — was it in response to something you did, something someone else did, societal norms around sex, the way your partner reacted, expectations not being met, or another factor? Once you identify the source, you can look at accepting and/or reconciling the feeling.

Listen to our podcast on sex clubs here.

And remember that there is no rush — the orgy will still be there tomorrow and the next day, so take your time to ensure that you’re feeling confident and prepared.

You don’t have to attend an orgy or visit a sex club and you’re not a prude if they’re simply not your cup of tea. It’s up to you to decide what works for you and you should never feel pressure from a partner to do anything you don’t want to do. Just because I’ve had positive experiences doesn’t mean that your experience will be positive too, so trust yourself first. You are the ultimate expert in your own needs and boundaries.

XOXO
Jess