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How important is oral sex? Is it okay to have a crush on a co-worker if I’m married? Are ‘cheating clauses’ healthy for relationships? How do I get over a crush? Why does sex education matter? Jess and Brandon chat sex, love and relationships addressing these questions and many more.
Check out the rough summary notes from the podcast below:
We’re in south Florida this week – I’m working on a new book all about seduction and foreplay along with my co-author Marla Stewart and we are enjoying the sunshine. But it has been a stressful week – with Lido.
And I just found out that I’m shadow banned on Instagram because my account gets reported all the time – I don’t post provocative or even sexy photos. It’s mostly my face, Brandon’s and my pup Lido’s, but because people don’t like that I talk about sex, they report me and Instagram has shadow banned me. Now they can send me harassing messages and Instagram doesn’t do anything about it. I reported a dick pick on FB the other day and FB said that the person’s account doesn’t violate their terms. But somehow because I talk about sex and relationships, none of my hashtags show up in feeds or searches and my content is hidden from many people’s feeds – even those who follow me. So if you follow me on Insta – it’s SexWithDrJess – please take a moment to head over to my account. If you can comment on a photo or two it should help me out – and Insta doesn’t like one word comments because they think they’re bots.
It’s a struggle working in this field because even though we’re here providing education and trying to help people to feel better about themselves, we face judgment and pushback at every turn. We live in a culture that is okay with depictions of gruesome violence or extreme risk taking and dangerous behaviour like shootouts, or high speed car chases, or war, but the mere mention of sex — which by the way is a the life-force that keeps our planet populated — freaks people out. I had a post reported on FB entitled 5 conversations to deepen the bond and connection in your relationship. FB said it violated their community standards. Yet I see posts that promote homophobia, transphobia, racism and misogyny every time I open my feed.
Without sex you wouldn’t be here. Without sex, we wouldn’t have computers, we wouldn’t have surgical developments that save lives, we wouldn’t have the internet that keeps us connected. People developed these technologies and people are here because their parents had sex.
This erotophobia not only affects my day-to-day life – I see it when people judge me when I walk in a room because of my work and I can’t wait until the day I stop caring and speak up, but more importantly our fear of sex affects the health and safety of every one of us. Because we don’t talk about sex with young people, we’re putting their lives at risk.
Because research shows that sex education – talking about sex – is associated with improved academic achievement, greater gender equity, higher school attendance rates.
Research shows that sex education is associated with suicide prevention.
Research shows that sex education can dispel misinformation about sex spread by popular media. Done right, it can address the misogynist, ableist, ageist, classist, racist depictions of sex and relationships we see in popular media.
Research shows that sex education can improve confidence, decrease abuse, and help people to live more fulfilling lives and have happier relationships.
It reduces STI transmission and unplanned pregnancies by increasing the likelihood of delaying sex, using condoms and communicating about what you want and what you don’t want.
But somehow, sex ed is framed as a controversial issue. A divisive issue. A political issue. But it’s not a matter of politics or opinion or religion — sex ed is a matter of life and death.
So please support sex ed. Speak up. Follow and support sex educators. Help us get un-shadow banned. Rant over.
***
Let’s talk about blow jobs.
I was sent an online survey yesterday that collected data from 1,100 European and American men and women to get their take on giving and receiving oral sex — and I wanted to get your take, Brandon. I believe the study is framed in the heterosexual context.
First they asked about how important blow jobs are in a sexual relationship. Most report that they’re “somewhat important” and 30% of men said they’d pick a blow job over P-V.
Next they asked about length of time. How long do you want a blowjob to last?
8:20 is the ideal length for European men.
9:59 is the ideal length for American men.
Brandon (a Canadian) says that 90 seconds is all he wants. They then asked about swallowing. How important is it? Brandon says it’s not important and the survey says…American and European men agree. Jess recommends The Spiderman if swallowing is a bone of contention in your relationship. Check out the Drive Him Wild Online Video Course to learn more.
And more importantly, check out the Drive Her Wild With Pleasure Online Video Course. It’s full of hot techniques to keep you exploring for years to come. The also asked about eye contact during blow jobs. 72% of men and 42% of women want it. Best blowjob advice according to Brandon? Move slowly. It’s not a race.
***
I also want to talk about another topic that has been on my radar this week: Is it okay to have a crush on someone else if you’re married or partnered?
It’s normal to feel intense emotions and focus a great deal of energy on a new crush – even if you’re in a happy relationship.
Crushes are alluring and powerful because intense chemicals are at play when you first meet and experience attraction: serotonin, adrenaline, dopamine. This cascade of hormones can result in feeling a degree of obsession and idealization of a new partner. You can’t stop thinking about them. You just want to touch them, see them, be with them, kiss them, tear their clothes off, and more…
But rest assured that this feeling won’t last. Because eventually, you’ll get to know them.
Feelings of obsessive love tend to go hand-in-hand with the idealization of a new love/sex interest — because you really don’t know them. And because you like them, your mind fills in all of the (many) blanks with perfection. In short, you’ve created a dream partner/lover in your mind that doesn’t exist. Once you get to know them, you may still really like them (and love them), but you’ll have a more realistic picture of them as a complete, imperfect person.
Tips for managing these intense crushes/emotions:
- Know that it’s normal and that this too shall pass (for the reasons stated above).
- Accept that your feelings are a matter of the chemicals associated with novelty and the unknown — they’re not a matter of having found “the one”.
- Engage in physical activity (exercise or masturbation) to calm your nerves.
- Make a list of all the things you love about them. And make a list of all the things you don’t know about them (everything from how they speak to their siblings to how they fold their laundry). You’ll find that the latter is much longer than the former.
- Talk about how you’re feeling with someone you trust. The secrecy of a crush itself can intensify its allure.
Tips for managing a crush on someone you spend time with (e.g. a coworker):
- If you’re worried about your feelings, limit the amount of time you spend communicating online after work; you don’t need to stay connected all night long.
- Introduce your partner to your crush; you may be crushing on this person as a form of escape from your lived (predictable) reality, so bridge those two worlds (fantasy and reality) to help put things in perspective, so that you think more realistically.
- Flirting with other people may be acceptable to you and your partner; it’s up to each couple to determine what boundaries work for them and flirtation varies from culture to culture and individual to individual. However, you do want to be aware of how your crush responds to your flirtation. Are you leading them on? Or can you be clear that you’re just being playful verbally and don’t want it to go any further?
Should you tell your partner about your crush?
I think it depends on your relationship. Some people are very open about attraction — sexual and emotional — and others consider all outside sources of excitation a threat to the relationship. Some people find that talking about a crush to their partner serves to cool the feelings of desire and attraction, as they’re no longer as taboo or forbidden.
If you have a crush, you might consider talking to your partner about some of the related feelings. For example, did this crush develop in response to the attention the crush was paying to you? If so, perhaps you want to talk to your partner about how they can pay attention to you in a way that you find attractive and validating. Did the crush develop because you’ve been able to share vulnerable emotions and have deep conversations with this person? If so, perhaps you want to look for ways to do the same with your partner.
On the other hand, some people see crushes as totally harmless. Not everything that draws your attention represents a threat to your relationship. And feeling excited by, or attracted to someone else doesn’t mean that there is something missing in your relationship. One partner cannot possibly fulfill every single one of your needs — from the practical to the sexual – so it’s common to look for other sources of both excitement and fulfilment.
It is also perfectly normal to fantasize about people other than the love of your life and we often switch between lovers in our dreams and fantasies. One study out of the University of Vermont revealed that 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women have fantasized about someone other than their current partner in the past two months. They also found that these fantasies increase as the relationship progresses. The ambience of a fantasy can be elemental to our enjoyment and using unrealistic images, themes and settings is part of what makes sexual fantasy so powerful. However, it’s important to be able to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Fantasies may range from brief fleeting thoughts to elaborate and repetitive daydreams and for the most part, we remain satisfied with fantasies as distinct from reality. That is, we indulge in fantasies for pleasure without the need or desire to live them out in real life.
***
I also want to talk about cheating clauses, because I got a Twitter message this week from let’s call her Mary: My husband and I both travel for work and we have an agreement that if we’re apart for more than a week, it’s okay if we flirt and mess around on the road. No sex – no oral – just flirting, kissing and touching over the clothes. And never with the same person twice. We have a bunch of rules. We don’t do it often, but when we do it’s always hot to talk about it when we get home. I told my sister and she thinks I’m crazy and I’m putting my marriage at risk – she calls it a cheating clause -, but we’ve been happily married for 16 years and it works for us. Both she and her husband have cheated and they’re struggling to rebuild so she doesn’t want me to go through the same thing. Is she right?”
I know many couples who do agree to sexual loopholes if a number of specific conditions are met. I wouldn’t (and they certainly wouldn’t) consider it cheating since their arrangements preclude deception, but onlookers like your sister might classify it as such.
You know I’m going to say…Please do what works for you and let your sister worry about her own relationship. It seems her energy might be better invested in her own marriage.
This type of arrangement, in fact, more common than you might imagine. Every couple has its own sets of rules.
Some people may judge these arrangements and others may meet them with disbelief. I believe that both of these reactions are rooted in fear (and projections) as opposed to the claims of morality with which they’re conveyed. The reality is that every couple creates their own perfect recipe for a happy, satisfying relationship and no two couples can adhere to the exact same sets of rules. Just as you may not be able to imagine sharing your partner with another lover, some couples can’t imagine limiting their partner to themselves alone. Just because something works for one couple (whether that formula involves monogamy or a wide open relationship), doesn’t mean that it will work for another. Before you judge, take a deep breath, dig deep and think about what you really fear about a particular relationship arrangement — your judgment is likely rooted in how this arrangement might threaten your own and your reaction might even reveal more about your own relationship than anyone else’s.
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Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Blow Jobs, Crushes, Sex Education & Cheating Clauses
00:00:05 – 00:05:02
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sex and relationship advice, you can use tonight. Hey, this is just Riley here. Your friendly neighborhood sexologist here with the love of my life. My partner in crime my way, better half. He’s terribly good looking with those baby blues. Brandon wear. I love that intro. Great because you wrote it. If I did it would’ve been much longer and a whole lot funnier today, we’re going to be talking about sex. Ed blowjobs crushes and cheating clauses. Cheating causes a we’re going to get to that. I thought you I thought you were going to say what’s a blowjob. No, you remember those right? Remember, those thank you very much to desire resorts for your ongoing. Support of this podcast folks, check out desire experience, they’ve got cruises clothing. Optional resorts one of my favorite places to visit in the world. Let loose relax and religious let that sexual energy flow. Now, we are in sunny, south Florida this week I’m down here working on a video series working on a new book that is due very soon with Marla Renee Stewart, it’s all about seduction. It’s the ultimate guide to seduction and four play. And we’re enjoying our sunshine. It’s been a little bit of a stressful week because. Lido our dog, as you know, if you listen, I hope you listen was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago, and we’ve just been kind of scrambling to take care of her. And this is the first week where it’s kind of settled in that we don’t have too much time left with her. No, I think we should probably not talk about that keep things light and breezy light. Well, I’m gonna talk about something that maybe is not so light and breezy. But it’s on my mind because I just found out this morning that I am shadow band on Instagram because my account gets reported all the time, I don’t produce I don’t post provocative photos or even sexy photos. It’s mostly my face Brennan’s face and the lido’s face and her little pause. But because people don’t like that I talk about sex. They report me and Instagram has shadow banned me. So these people who report me they can send me harassing messages. An Instagram doesn’t really do anything about it. It’s interesting. I reported a guy who is sending me dick pics on Facebook the other day and Facebook, I think the message said something like this account doesn’t violate our. Terms of use. So this guy’s allowed to send dick picks. But somehow because I talk about sex and relationships. Even though my account. I didn’t think violated their terms. None of my hashtags are showing up, and my pictures aren’t showing up in certain people’s feeds and searches and all of my content is hidden from the hashtag if you know anything about hashtags it helps people to find your photos. So even people who follow me, often, don’t see my photos or my video. So if you follow me on Instagram or and if you don’t it’s sex with Dr Jess if you have a minute head over to my account if you can comment on a photo or two it should help me out. I think insta- thinks that I have bought s- commenting on my photos or that. I’m bought it’s hard to figure it out. But one word comments aren’t as good as as a couple of words for some reason. So it’s interesting I was thinking that it’s really a struggle to work in this field as much fun as his because even though I’m here, and we’re here trying to provide education and trying to help people to feel better about. Themselves we face judgment and push back at every turn because we live in a culture that is totally okay. With depictions of violence of torture of risk taking in dangerous behavior like like shootouts or high speed car chases and war, but the mere mention of sex sex, which by the way is the life force that keeps our planet populated the MIR mentioned freaks people out, and I had a head of post reporting on reported on Facebook entitled something like five conversations to deepen the bond and connection with your partner, somebody reported at multiple people because Facebook said it violated their community standards yet I see posts online every day that promote homophobia racism trans-phobia, misogyny, every time I open my field feed and just want to remind people said we’re gonna start with sex.
00:05:02 – 00:10:06
Ed, we’re starting with sex, Ed. Because without sex. We wouldn’t be here without sex. We wouldn’t have computers we wouldn’t have surgical developments that save lives. We wouldn’t have the internet that keeps us connected because people developed these technologies, and these people are here because of sex, we treat this thing that is required in order for our species to survive. Like it something scary. And this erotic phobia it not only affects my day to day life. Right. I see when I walk into a room and people judge me, they judge me because of my work, and I’ll tell you I can’t wait to the day that I’m older and don’t care, and I speak up, but more importantly, forget about me our fear of sex affects the health safety, the livelihood of every single one of us because when we don’t talk about sex when we don’t talk about sex with young people in particular were poor. Putting their lives at risk will where do you want them to learn do you want them to learn from the Google do you want to? I mean young people today they’re gonna find it one way or the other. So why not have healthy sources of information? I mean, that’s the thing that kind of always blows my mind is I’m like where do you think your kids are gonna learn, and I I know I’m walking to fine line here. But absolutely if you don’t answer questions, they will turn to YouTube and YouTube leads down other rabbit holes multiple holes. So you know, what we know is that research shows that sex education talking about sex is associated with improved academic achievement greater gender equality higher. School attendance rates. We know that sex Ed is associated with suicide prevention sex Ed can dispel misinformation about sex that is spread by popular media dun-rite sex. Ed can address the misogyny the able ISM ageism the classes on the. Racism, and these depictions that we see in popular media, we know that sex. Ed, improves confidence it decreases abuse. It helps people to live more fulfilling lives with happier. Relationships it reduces. Sti transmission reduces the risk of unplanned pregnancy. And it does this by increasing the likelihood that young people will either delay sex use condoms, and or communicate about what they want and what they don’t want, but somehow sex Ed is framed as a controversial issue, a divisive issue, a political issue, but sex Ed is not a matter of politics or Pinon or religion. It is a matter of life and death. And so I’ve come here from my shadow ban. But this all is interconnected. So please, I implore you support sex Ed speak up follow in support and engage with sex educators. Help us get shadow band. Rant over. Let’s talk about blow jobs. Good. All right. So I was sent an online survey yesterday that collected data from eleven hundred European and American folks to get their take on giving and receiving below jobs. Now, I talk a lot more about going down on the pussy. But this one’s about blow jobs and Brennan I wanted to get your take because you’ve had a blowjob before. Right right at you like him, I’m a fan. And so I think this this research survey just so you know, is framed within the heterosexual sexual contact. So I they asked about how important blow jobs are in a sexual relationship. I answering these questions you’re going to. So do you consider a blowjob in terms of importance not at all important, slightly important somewhat important, moderately important or extremely important. You can you can say that or you can give me a a scale of one to ten how important. Is a blow job in a sexual relationship. Important is BJ. I don’t know, man. I mean, I like a b j I don’t think it’s super important. Unlike a five maybe six all right? So you think you fall in line with the average? So thirty five percent of men the biggest group of men in in this surveys. Redid it a somewhat important only sixteen percent said it’s extremely important and nine percent said it’s not an not at all important interesting. I think I offered you one yesterday, and you shoot me away was in a bad mood, man. He was in a bad mood. Jonah bad mood. Terry crews. All right. So it sounds like you’re in line with the average. And that’s what you’ve always wanted to be in life. The thirty percent of men however said they might pick a blow job over a penis vagina intercourse on the other way around.
00:10:07 – 00:15:01
Yeah. I know. Yeah. Thanks sorry about that. Because you can lie on your back for the Peavey. Sex can’t really light while you can line your back. But that’s a whole other thing that is the draft position where you lie on your back on the edge of the bed. Your head falls off the edge of the bed the person with the penis standing on the floor shimmy over toward you and gently slides it inside. That’s the draft position. Now next. They asked about how long a blowjob should lost. Do I have options? Now, just picking number Spiga number personally. I don’t like I like it as four play. But I don’t want it to last too long because I want to get to business business. I’m a business, man. Okay. Okay. So like, I I don’t know giving you a time frame ninety seconds, Heindi seconds. I know it’s a long time. Time that is way below what European men say they’d like it to last eight minutes and twenty seconds. American men, say just under ten minutes, nine minutes and fifty nine seconds. Now Wim women hold on hold on nine minutes. Fifty nine seconds who who who comes up with this? They have no concept of time. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, interestingly European women. So in this case, presumably they’re giving because it looks like it’s very hetero study said it should last nine minutes and fourteen seconds. That’s just because of feels like forever guys. Like, I’ve been down here for a term of down here for a presidential term is over and American women said, eleven minutes and six seconds. I’m just straight to business. Okay. They also asked about swallowing. How important is swelling to you? No, not that important. So fifty percent of men say it’s not at all important and only four percent say it’s extremely important four percent or quite passionate. But how they feel. Well, it’s interesting because if you if you watch I don’t know some of you may be by accident have have seen porn this poor new and important. They’re always taking it in their mouth and swishing it around. And so I think there’s this pressure that we should all like this. When in fact, it seems that some people like it and some people don’t, and I I often talk about swallowing, and, you know, my advice, of course, is if you wanna swallow swallow, and if you don’t wanna swallow don’t swallow, and if your partner gives you a hard time about swallowing, I prescribe the Spiderman. You catch it, and you fling it back at them. Yeah. You like that? I was get some confused looks on that one. Okay. In blowjobs. How much does icon tact matter to you want contact during a blowjob? A little bit. We’re not sure Cemex it up. Seventy two percent, man. Say it’s important to end. Forty two percent of women who say seventy two percents important and forty two percent. It’s not which case the is not add up real good good with a mathematician. So you’re not a blow job expert. Hold on though. No, I’m not I have never given one. Now, I have received one. So I can only comment on fifty percent of what’s your best blowjob advice for you. We can only talk about your own penis. Don’t talk about other people’s being my own. I’m just I don’t really I don’t know have any advice. Like for me. Go slow. I guess. This is not a race. Man. This slow job the slow job. Sure. If you don’t know what the slow job is. I might mention this before you are moving your lips over the head down the shaft millimeter by millimeter. Doom. No, what millimeters are think. So it’s like one thirty second of an inch at a time, and you are moving so slowly. And it makes this thing feel like it is the length of a python. The width of a fire hydrant? I don’t know why really anybody wants that in their mouth. But it’s just this really powerful experience if you can ever try a slow job. And if you want more blowjob techniques complement your partner. Oh, I was gonna say check out my Dr Kim pleasure. Video course, which does also reinforce complementing your partner to. Yeah. So I have a series of video courses available online. So you can watch them. Learn from home more important than the blow job one is the drive her wild. With pleasure course, where I walk you through a series of techniques a model demonstrates on a piece of fruit and you practice at home. So please go check him out.
00:15:01 – 00:20:00
Checkout there on my website or you can go to happier couples dot com, and you can watch these courses over and over again, and there’s just so much to learn even when I review my own techniques. I’m like, oh, yeah. Man. I remember that one going to go back to it. All right. Ineffable blowjobs. I wanna talk about another topic that has been on my radar this week. I had a young young couple wondering is it. Okay. To have a crush on someone else if you are married or partner. So Brandon do do get crushes on people crush guy. I think I was when I was like nine. So lately, I’m not much, but I do. I wanna like I will see somebody want to have sex with them. Yep. But I don’t get crushes. I don’t know why. I’m just not maybe I’m just not open to it. Do you get crushes? I have in the past. I haven’t had one in a while. So unlike you, I don’t just see someone and wanna have sex with them I have to like that person. And so part of the sexual attraction for me involves getting a little crush where I like them a little bit. So I don’t dream of being with them. But I do find that I really have to like someone to experience not just attraction but like excitement and so in the past. Yeah, I can think of the people I’ve had crushes on. Not sure I wanna go into it right now. I think I would be nervous about you having a crush just because you’ve never talked about it. But I also, you know, me I kinda like the nervous feeling be more. There’s more emotional investment with crush, right because you get to know the person with me, and my thoughts of having fleeting moments of fleeting thoughts of having sex with someone. I don’t talk to them. I don’t know anything about them just physically attracted to the person. I’m sure that once they start to talk to me, my mind may actually change as to whether or not I want to have sex with them. Well, actually, that’s the summary of what a crush is. Like a crushes so alluring because you’ve got all these intense chemicals at play when you first meet, right? You’ve got this shift in serotonin, this bump in Trenton dopamine, and all of these hormonal shifts have to do with not knowing them, right? Like this cascade of hormones results in you feeling kind of obsessed with them because you’re idealising them. And it’s because as you said, you don’t really know them, and because you like them your mind fills in all the blanks with perfection, so what you’ve really done with a crush as you’ve created a dream partner like you ideal lover in your mind, and they don’t actually exist. So once you get to know them, you might still like them, but you usually have a more realistic picture of. Them as a complete person and an imperfect person, and they tend to lose their alerts. So when you are first of all, it’s okay to have a crush. It’s very common to have a crush, it’s normal and it will pass. But I think it’s important to understand that these these overwhelming feelings, you’re experiencing have to do with the novelty, and the unknown sometimes we get crush. And it’s so powerful that we think oh my gosh. Like on my missing out on something is this person, the one of my with the wrong partner because I don’t feel that way about my partner, but the allure is in in the novelty and the risk. And so you actually had clients come and say, I don’t know what to do it don’t how to let go of this person really value, my marriage to talk to them more exactly get to know them. And then I also say make a list of all the things you love about them. And all the things you don’t know about them. And the reality is that second list is going to be. Much longer ’cause you just don’t know much about them. The other piece is simply talking about it when we have feelings that we associate with shame or guilt. We keep them secret and win something secret. It becomes all the more exciting all the more enticing. So you might just tell a friend about it. You know, of course, if it’s someone you work with because that’s usually who we get crushes on some over working with on the day to day, you can limit the amount of time you spend with them communicating because it’s one thing to be together all day in the workplace. But can you not be texting, you know, joking around online at night. Can we go back to the whole work partner? Like work husband, work wife. You know, this whole do you think that people use the crush, and then kind of go that wrote to validate? Their feelings or two to play into them a little bit more. Yeah. That’s a question because we’ve talked about the work spouse.
00:20:00 – 00:25:08
So to give you a bit of context, and I was actually talking about this on global television last week. Some people will joke that they have a work wife or a work husband or a work spouse and Brennan, you’ve you’ve experienced this. Yeah. Didn’t like it. Somebody called me that no totally did not got actually quite passionate passionately against the whole idea. Not to not to their face. It pissed you off it did I have a partner. I don’t need a partner at work. I have a partner that I’ve chosen to be with and whether I’m at work or not you’re not my work partner. You’re not I don’t know you got your backup. Because I think you felt it invalidated everything we have to use that type also need to just let it go. Right. There wasn’t. I don’t think it was necessarily any harm. I think it was done jokingly, but I can see how dropping that to somebody who you do have a crush on. And if they reciprocate how that could escalate into something else. Right. So you’re putting yourself on a risky playground. Also think you kind of testing the waters with testing the waters. Right. Yeah. And I think that sometimes we use that tape language because we want special treatment. Like, it’s the idea that he’ll get me a coffee or show. Bring me lunch, and you can engage in these kind gestures without there being a sexual or romantic connection or having a title, right, right? Yeah. No. I know you don’t like the work spouse joke zone. And I mean, this is just me personally. I don’t know if you’ve had anyone call you. I mean, you you run your company. So I definitely don’t know one who works with me wants to be my works. Best. So I again, you know, we’re talking about our perspectives. If your perspective is different. Of course. That’s okay. Another thing you can do if you have a crush is to introduce your partner to them because you might be crushing on this person as a form of escape from your kind of lived predictable reality, and when you bridge those two worlds of fantasy and reality it can help to put things in perspective. And I think dull the sheen of that fantasy does that make sense to you? I would agree. I mean, I also think to your point the less, you know, about somebody the more it becomes a fantasy and fantasy is is exciting. I mean for me, the less, I know about somebody the more could fantasize about them sexually. Yeah. Because I think. Like, you said you can fill in the gaps wants somebody you get to know them. And they start falling short in some some area. I think immediately you’re you know, the the fantasy becomes less enticing. Yeah. I I’m I have a different balance than you because I do need to know them and like them a little bit. And then. Yeah, if I push over that hump and really get to know them inevitably they become less attractive. I know some of the people that you have had crushes on since we’ve been together. And I think. You know, at the moment in the moment when you first find out about it. I mean, it is a little unnerving. I think if you haven’t had this discussion before or if you aren’t comfortable with it. But once like for me once I understood that it was just that. I mean, it’s it’s a crush. It’s fleeting. It fades is also isn’t something that you wanted to pursue. You know, maybe you can have fun with it. Maybe you could you know, you learn to let it go. If if it’s really bothering again having that conversation, I think really helped make me feel more comfortable anyways. Well, that’s interesting because this young couple was asking at one of them was asking should I even tell my partner? And I think I think ultimately depends on your relationship. I think some people are very open about attraction, whether it be sexual or emotional and others really consider all outside sources of of exciting a threat to the relationship. So I think for some of us talking about a crash. Can not only help to cool the feelings of desire attraction, but it can be hot because it’s a bit taboo, forbidden and for others. It can be a problem. And then you also have to think. Okay. Are you flirting with this person? Because. For me flirting is is quite acceptable in this relationship. It’s up to us to really decided what our decide what are boundaries are. But you do have to be aware of how your crush is responding to your flirtation like are you leading them on. Are you being dishonest? Or are you being clear that this is just playful banter, and you don’t intimate it going any further. Yeah. I mean, I think it depends on the individual’s relationship. I don’t think you can really make a comment that applies to all people. I think you have to look at your own relationship and in even within your own relationship. I think it depends on how you’re feeling like what I was comfortable with. Eighteen years ago versus ten years ago versus today are very different and may be different tomorrow to it depends on the source the person my goodness ya? I couldn’t agree more like if I had a crush on.
00:25:09 – 00:30:00
I don’t know somebody that I had to travel with for weeks on end, and who also kind of triggered all of the things I felt insecure boat, right right leg if they were. I don’t know if it’s an again, this is just my own securities. But if it’s like, if this person, you know, owns, you know, a number of super successful companies in flies jets all day, and is shredded and does all the things, you know, is in and is a professional chef. And I’d be like, oh, man. Hot. Come on. He can cook to cook. Not like cereal like I cook. Which I know is a big deal. Actually, I just wanna say that Brandon made his first meal a mic drop in right now he made his first meal from scratch last night, a big boy, and what I loved is that one of the recipes is Chinese recipes. So it’s salmon with soya, Honey, garlic, ginger and green onion. So that’s like the base for all of our food, garlic, ginger soy. And then Honey. And then he so that was from my mom’s side, and then my stepdad Luigi makes just the plain garlic parsley butter pasta. So that was on the side, and then something of his own he she she’d peppers Huber. Awesome chargesheet oh pepper the easiest thing to make three minutes in a pan man, little salt and oil. I love I love the guy who’s made one meal is professing listen, which is the easiest meal to me. Is you TV called? They said they wanted to show. I said, okay. Okay. That’s not even the food. Work, whatever. Yeah. That’s right. Good call. What is eight? I guess. Mcgurn this guys. So to to go back to the crush conversation. I think it’s important to remember that one partner one person cannot possibly fulfil every single one of your needs from the practical to the emotional to the passionate to the sexual. So it is perfectly normal. To look for other sources of excitement and fulfilment. And so you have to figure out what boundaries work for you. You have to discuss those with your partner, and you have to also sometimes except that you’re not going to be on the perfectly same page at all time. So these are conversations you wanna have. And I think it’s interesting because I’ll tell you, I think I’d have trouble. If you kinda came to me and told me you had a crush. But I’d also want you to tell me because I like those feelings of trouble jealousy. I always feel like I can use them in a in a constructive way. Even if they make me uncomfortable, and that’s something that I’ve had to grow into over time. Because I know after all these years that you’re totally committed to me in the past. I would have appreciated not knowing and now today, I could at least. Listen and understand and gauge how I feel so I think the other thing to note is that it’s normal to fantasize about other people, obviously there was a study out of the university of Mont that revealed that ninety eight percent of men and eighty percent of women have fantasized about someone other than their current partner in the past two months. So this. No, the vast majority of people and these fantasies tend to increase as the relationship progresses because humans we seek a balance of comfort and novelty, and so you find comfort with your partner, and you can create novelty with your partner. In fact, I think you can you can learn from crushes I think that does this does a crush develop in response to attention that this person is paying to you. If that’s the case may be you wanna talk to your partner about how they can pay attention to you in a way that you find attractive validating exciting if the crush develops because maybe you’ve been able to share some vulnerable information with this person and have deep conversations if this is the case, maybe you wanna look for ways to do. So with your partner, I’m not suggesting that every crush arises in response to a relationship deficit. However, I do think a crush offers a good opportunity to learn more about what? You want and to share this perspective and insight with your partner. All right. I also wanna talk about cheating clauses. I have all these different topics that received this week from from listeners from followers on Instagram like a contract in your inserting cheating clause or something. Well, this is interesting because I received a Twitter message this week from let’s call her Mary. And so she says okay bunch of messages. She says my husband, and I travel for work, and we have an agreement that if we’re apart from more than a week. It’s okay.
00:30:00 – 00:35:00
If we flirt and mess around on the road, no sex. No oral just flirting kissing touching over the clothes and not in a bedroom. And never with the same person twice. We have a whole bunch of rules. We don’t do it often. But when we do it’s always hot to talk about when we come home. So I told my sister she thinks I’m crazy. And she says I’m putting my marriage at risk. She calls this cheating claw. Ause, but we’ve been happily married for sixteen years, and it it it’s working for us. Both my sister and her husband have cheated on one another and they’re struggling to rebuild their relationship. So she doesn’t want me to go through the same thing is she right? Okay. So I’ll start by saying, I know so many couples who agree to sexual rules and loopholes if a specific number of conditions are met, and I wouldn’t and I don’t think they would consider it cheating because they’re arrangement ultimately precludes deception. And you know, I think all lookers like your sister might classify it as cheating, but that’s not how they see it. And the only thing that matters is how they see their own relationship. So I think you know, what I’m going to say. And that is please do what works for you. And let your sister worry about her own relationship because it seems like her energy might be better invested in her own marriage, and this type of arrangement with specific rules is I think far more common than people want to admit. I mean every couple has a set of rules, and yeah, I think some people are. Mental. And I think some people are so judgmental that they will not believe you when you say that it works for you. And I think that their judgment is rooted in fear and projections end, maybe it’s a claim of morality, but the reality is that every couple creates their own recipe for a happy satisfying relationship and not couples can endeared the exact same set of rules. Maybe she’s jealous. I feel like I’d have a hard time with that rule. Just personally because I feel like for me sex, excuse me, is is very much. Unlike a I’m snowball in here, where the the more we engage the more. I wanna do it. So the idea of like kissing and touching and be like, okay. I’m out have a good night would be hard. I don’t know. Do you know what I mean by that? Yes. She said, they don’t do it in the room. So I’m assuming it’s like, I don’t know a bar. I think I think too much of the practical side. I’m like what if you’re there with work people would if somebody sees you, and then they’re judging you, well, that’s actually a big part of why people in consensually non monogamous relationships. And I’m not suggesting that that’s how Mary identifies but a big part of the challenge isn’t the consensual non monogamy. It’s the social stigma and judgment attached to relationship arrangements that are different from the norm. Yeah. I mean, I think it would just be very difficult. If people were judging you clearly this is why Mary is keeping it quiet because even her own sister is judging her and more portly. Why does your sister care? Sorry, man. But like her sister has a relationship that’s struggling on its own, but she wants to judge somebody else. Who’s relationship seems to be going just fine? Given these rules that they have because she’s afraid of what’s happened to her. I understand. I do see her perspective. What if it escalates? What if? Turns into something else. But it sounds like Marian her partner have open lines of communication and have had some very difficult or some very deep conversations to get to this point where they are comfortable with one another. So I don’t know there’s a whole lot going on there. But very interesting. Yeah. I think we’re just uncomfortable with a reality that’s different than our own. And I think it’s important to remember that. Just just because you are not able to imagine sharing your partner with someone else. You have to remember that some folks can’t imagine limiting their partner to themselves alone. And it’s because something that works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for another. So I think if we were to leave it at that for everyone out there before you judge I think it’s important to take a deep breath dig a little deeper and think about what you really fear about a particular relationship arrangement because your judgment is likely rooted in hell this arrangement might threaten your own relationship, and your reaction might even reveal more about your relationship than about anybody else’s.
00:35:00 – 00:37:37
And I think this might be the case, you know, with your sister here lovable these case studies, if you will is that I hope that they get people talking. I hope if nothing else if you’re listening to this. And then you go home, and you’re having a discussion with your partner, you can talk about this sort of scenario to see how you both feel about it. Because I think having these conversations or any opportunity to have a conversation deepens that connection that you have with your partner that understanding with your partner. Yeah. I think it staves off tension and conflict finish future. And we don’t have the answers. There is no right answer. So yeah. What Brennan said, I I really think our job is to start conversations because you can listen to our insights, but our insights pale in comparison to your own. I mean, we’re only speaking from the from the standpoint of the perspective of our own relationship. I mean, we’re looking at. I mean, I’m looking at data as well. But data is can be totally irrelevant. Even if something occurs in ninety nine cases or nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine out of ten thousand if you’re the exception than you are the exception. If you feel. L something your emotional reaction is perfectly. Valid alert law today. Yeah. I learned that my expectations of the length of a of a BJ are significantly less average. I learned that. I only have to do it for ninety seconds. Seriously. I learned g so much that I don’t like being called a work spouse. We already knew that. But we knew that. And I think it’s always a good reminder because we we tend to see relationships as specifically either dichotomies into monogamous and consensually non monogamous. But there is there exists so many shades of grey, and Mary’s example, is just one that for example, you can have rules that only apply in very specific scenarios and that can work for you. So wherever you’re at. I hope you’re feeling good. I hope you’re willing to have some uncomfortable converse. Sations either with yourself with a friend with your partner, we’re gonna leave it at that say, thank you so much to you for listening. Thank you to desire resorts for your ongoing support and thanks Brandon for being here. Great have a great week. We’ll be back next Friday and every Friday morning with a new episode. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.
