February 8, 2019
What should you do if your partner says one thing, but does another? How do you talk about the fact that they’re avoiding sex? How do you address social media behaviour that makes you uncomfortable? Jess and Brandon talk to Canadian dater, Katrina, about her dating dilemmas.
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00:00:05 – 00:05:01
You’re listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sex and relationship advice, you can use tonight. Hey, hey, this is just a Riley your friendly neighborhood sexologist here with my much better half. Brennan wear blue. And we are here in Vancouver today. We’re in town for the taboo, naughty, but nice show down at the Vancouver convention center. And I’m going to be here all weekend with vibe, I’m hoping to do. Some love interviews. Onsite may be with the people from the king stage. Maybe with some of the folks teaching bondage if you’re in Vancouver come on down. It’s running Friday Saturday Sunday at Vancouver convention center. And today’s the day I’m gonna good mood because I got to fly on a seven eight seven nine the Dreamliner this morning. I had a great flight, babe. How was your flight with was okay? I was flying with the dog and comfortable ship walking all over my see. Crawling on me. So. Yeah. In between napping working in watching a show. It was in. Interesting flights. I had a smooth flight. I was all snuggled up by myself stretched out. So I love airplanes, and the Dreamliner is my favorite airplane. People. Ask me why. And it’s because they pressurize the cabin two thousand feet lower than regular airplane. So you don’t have the same effects and jet lag that you have another planes. They also keep the humidity higher because of the material in the plane and the air flow is better end, the windows are the best because they are the push button windows. You don’t have to slide. The blinds down just press a button to adjust the lighting of your window are like the Dreamliner now because I feel like I’m not on a boss. Yeah. Yeah. It’s true. You don’t even feel really going up and down. It’s great plain doesn’t suck. It’s quite nice. Hashtag not sponsored. They definitely didn’t give me any money. Speaking of sponsors. I have to say a big thank you to desire resorts in cruises. Please check them out. We’re getting ready for our crews coming up in the fall in the red carpet crews for the cons film festival and f one in Monaco next year in may and. You get to be naked. If you want to add the one not the F one you can be pretty close to naked at the F lawn. I’m sure everybody just you could you know, what I’m calling it at one. It isn’t even as it isn’t the grand prix. Oh, man. I thought it was f one racing. I’m not I’m not. We’re embarrassing ourselves as manses. Some Americans are going to call the correct us for shoes like hockey with real. All right. We are going to die right in today. I receive many emails from people, and my inbox is generally full of unsolicited messages from men, which I lead in don’t even look at and people looking for advice on their dating and relationship lives. I can’t answer everyone. But we do try and answer some of them on the podcast and today, we’re going to be talking about what to do. When someone says they’re into you. But they don’t wanna have sex. They seem interested in other people online. So we could tailor swift song. I don’t know any Taylor of songs in. We’d ain’t discard Koldo didn’t. I know I know Dalla kit. No getting that wrong yacht completely. I think you dislike hummed delicate happy birthday or something. But she has song that she does. And she doesn’t sink party in the USA different way person shorter. It’s Miley Miley Miley Cyrus those me on wrecking ball. Is that Taylor? No. That’s were not doing well here. Anyhow, Brandon still friends with Adam LeVine. I don’t like him post Super Bowl don’t look for friends anymore. Can we talk about that the fact that he’s allowed to take his nipples out? You know, what I don’t know what to say about at beans nipples? First of all, I think Adam has the right to free his nipple. But I would like to see Janet be allowed to show her nipples to also if we go way back to Janet Jackson. I wanna know why Justin Timberlake didn’t take a big part of the heat because he was the one who pulled it off her my, correct. Those a whole lot of violations going on there that he should have been called out for. Yeah. And also, Adam Levine’s performance was not exciting to me. Anyway, we’re not talking about that today. Right. Foale other series of episodes. Yes. I hate Adam LeVine. Sorry, baby. Today.
00:05:01 – 00:10:04
We are speaking with a Canadian daler, Katrina and Katrina emailed me last week asking for some inside on her dating dilemma with a guy who is ultimately sending mixed signals. And her story resonated with me because I hear it so often so while Katrina how you doing? I am great. How are you? Good. Thanks for being here at at love for you to relay your story to everyone else listening what thanks so much for having me here today. So my story we my partner, but I’ve been with we haven’t actually been, you know, serious together for all that long. So that’s why at this point. It’s a little bit more alarming when things like this kind of happened in the beginning as opposed to you know, years in fear relationship, so just a little bit of background, you know, he’s been kind of dealing with some pretty stressful. Ml life situations. And you know, I understand like a lot of stress can kind of take its toll on people, you know, both male and female, but it’s kinda gotten to a point where you know, just found that I’ve been getting a lot of words and no actions matching that if you know what I mean where you know, he’ll tell me about how he feels about me how much she loves me. You know, how amazing I am. But he doesn’t actually make the effort to come and see me or spend time with me claiming that because of stress, and, you know, unfortunately, he’s been completely not interested in, you know, anything physical so the sex like been really non existent, and you know, I understand that, you know, things happen and people go search stressful situations, but then, you know, not to not to want to be that jealous girl. But when I noticed that you know, he’s been kind of all over his Instagram and is following and constantly late. Taking photos of these half-naked Instagram models. It it kinda makes me feel like I’m almost inadequate at that makes sense. You know, where my my partner who claims to be completely all about me doesn’t want to have anything to do with me yet seems to have, you know, all the drive and interest and liking me half, naked photos of Instagram girls. And so it was kinda not really sure how should be handling this. But this is something that would be maybe just a phase or this is something like maybe I feel like I’m good enough. Or if I should just kinda cut ties and let him you know, kinda deal with his situation. She’s been pretty dependent on me to to help him out a lot with you know, taking on a lot of stress and whatnot. So there’s a lot there. Yeah. I know I should shave you ear fall. No. That’s that’s perfect because every situation is so unique and all the smaller details play a role, first and foremost have you had sex with him. Okay. So you have had sex at some point. So I was gonna say I wonder if he wants to wait, and in this culture, where it seems to be expected that you have sex if you’re dating I think it’s hard for people to speak up about the fact that maybe they wanna wait. Maybe they wanna be committed. Maybe they wanna be living together. Maybe they want to be married, but that’s not the case for him. It sounds pretty straightforward on one hand stress is Abon her killer all sorts of owners clitoral Boehner’s Pena Alborz. And so it sounds like it’s the stress, but the part that I would want to address with you is this business of not feeling wanted or not feeling good enough and the liking of Instagram photos suggesting one thing, and then his action suggesting another I think the most important piece here is that it’s probably not about you. Right. If you know he’s really stressed out. He wants to be sexual, but maybe he feels to stress to be sexual in a physical in-person way. But he’s able to perform his sexuality and that performance performance of masculinity by being on Instagram saying, yes, I’m a man, I’m r red blooded male. I’m into women, and obviously that’s going to take a toll on you. Because he’s not communicating with you. I’m assuming well. Yeah. And I’m not someone who’s insecure, and I’ve never felt. Like, you know, I was in competition with other women or ever had to worry about that before. And it only kind of started to come up when you know, you get that feeling of so you’ll ignore me. Or you know, you might not even write me back my messages for texting but you’re sitting on Instagram with these girls. And that’s kinda where you know. I kinda start to wonder like something with news this maybe something with him or a my is it, you know, really related to kinda stressful situation.
00:10:04 – 00:15:06
And so that’s where it was been kinda tough. I’ve the girl and kinda how it makes you feel the woman when your partner doesn’t wanna come near you. But you know, we’ll we’ll be liking those kind of photos. Right. And I don’t think it’s you. You’ve just added another piece though that shows me the navy. He’s not being respectful or mindful of your feelings in terms of not responding to your tax. And of course, everybody has different expectations. And there’s no universal set of rules. But I think it’s. Fair to say, you know, if we’re in the middle of a conversation, I don’t expect you to walk away. And so my first inclination was to say, okay. This man is very very stressed. So stressed in fact that he’s lost interest in sex. He may be avoiding new because the physical contact feels too intimidating in light of his stressful situation because stress interferes not only with our libido, but also with our sexual response. So he may feel like perhaps he can’t again erection or have a certain type of sex because of the stress the Instagram liking to me suggests that he still interested in sex, but not the physical kind because the stress is just taking toll. But this added layer of, you know, not necessarily being respectful of your time or communicating in a way that makes you feel important. That’s a little more troublesome to me and Richard thing. I know how extract can take a major toll on on the kind of thing. So would you suggest that I may be big to him about it or? I have a question if you don’t wanna ask you you said that your relationship it’s pretty it’s fairly early on. Yeah. I love that. You guys are also communicating clearly your willingness to have this to try and find a solution is admirable does it’s early on. Does he feel the same way about a desire to work on the relationship the way that you want to? Well, that funny thing about that is he was the one who kinda came out wanting to moving forward and wanting us to get closer, and you know, work on things with me before I’d ever set it. So that that was a good thing at least. So I knew that we were kind of on the same page. I would definitely think so have you have you communicated? This the way you feel to him directly or has it just been something that has started started to come about. And you don’t really know where to go to hold them. How you feel about this? I’m not entirely yet. I kinda wanted to wait and assess the situation and kind of figure out like how should I handle it, which should I do before moving forward? And but it’s been going on for a couple of weeks now. Okay. So I think straightforward chat is warranted. I also think that you have to be mindful of the fact that in our culture, we expect men to be hyper sexual to be raring to go. And so when a man doesn’t fall into that stereotype and many men do not about a quarter of men in some in some research suggests that a quarter of them experience Los extra to the point that it’s distressful. There’s an added layer of coming out without low sex drive for men because it defies the cultural norms right around men being hyper sexual toast, without I mean, they’re points in this relationship where our relationship where I’ve felt like my sex drive has been less than just as sex drive in. It’s been an awkward feeling for me to have. Because I think I’m taught I’m supposed to want it all the time, and that was difficult for me to come to terms with and then through conversation like having this communication. I really I felt okay. With the other thing that was a bit of a a an awakening for me was when Jessica breast at one time how she really felt about something. When I when she said it in words, I immediately was empty and assured her that whatever, you know, this thing that she was worried about Jade absolutely nothing to worry about. But I didn’t know like I had no idea to begin with. So maybe that’s a good starting or jumping off point yacky. Maybe kind of communicating how a hand just being open and honest that would be a good way to kind of tackle for instead of just walking away. Yes. I mean, I’d have the conversation. And also, you know, you wanna give him permission to express what he feels. So if what he feels is I want you like you attracted to you. I just can’t get in the mood for sex right now. Or I want you I like you attracted to you. I just don’t want sex. Generally. I think he needs permission to be able. To say that because we do live in a culture that is so prescriptive and demanding and narrow in I think what’s Laird around sexuality, particularly for straight, man. And makes a lot of sense that makes what he’s actually supposed to be a coming Qasimi tonight.
00:15:06 – 00:20:13
Hopefully, we can maybe have like an actual conversation around it. Yeah. And I think it’s so important to not, you know. Fellowship your partner. I think sometimes it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with them. But it’s not necessarily that something is wrong with him. The only thing here is a bit of a communication gap. Now if he’s opened to hearing what you have to say an offering reassurance. I’d say that’s a really good sign. I also understand that it may not be easy for him to to admit this, right? I think I mean, Brandon you can speak to the fact that it can feel emasculating minutes before it’s a difficult conversation to have. And it’s difficult thing to have to reflect on. And then be like, yeah. This is the way that it is. And the other thing that plays a big role. You had brought up Katrina the very stressed at the moment. Like, there are things that happen. There have been things in in my life that have happened where I’m like men Sex’s a last thing thinking of right now, and I don’t know what’s going on with him. But again a couple of weeks a couple of months. I mean, we all have needs needs. Be communicated, but at the same time what what else is happening that might be affecting him in the other pieces. Some people just don’t want sex that may not be the case in this case could you have sex with him, but just like it’s normal to want sex twice a day. It can be normal to not want sex at all. And so you have to communicate. So that you don’t run into incompatibility and end up at an at an impasse. I do think that Instagram model liking is in a shoe had want to address, and I know that’s a tricky one because when we admit to feeling jealous or threatened what we’re looking for from our partner is reassurance. And oftentimes what our partners respond with is defensiveness because they feel they’ve done something wrong. And so in that that defense defensiveness often comes across as criticising you right old. You’re just jealous. And I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. We are all jealous. We all get jealous. We all get insecure. It is a state of being that fluctuates. It’s not something you are all the time. And so I would hope that he’d be open to in reassuring you, and I mean, you have to tell them what you need in order to feel reassured. But I couldn’t see that. If I feel like if Brennan wasn’t interested in me, and he was just looking at models online. I could see that he was liking all of their photos. And of course, I’m never gonna measure up to those models because in real life, those models don’t even measure up to their and Sagres. I mean, let’s I mean, if you were to say that to me, if you’re hey communicating that it makes you feel insecure of owner bolo just not great that that I’m doing that. I guess how how how do you anticipate him responding to that inquiry and in I would want him to say. I don’t know. So I guess I’d want to have to think about this. I’d want him to say something like, you know, you don’t have anything to worry about. I admire you, I want you. I wouldn’t want him to pretend that I’m the only attractive girl in the world. I mean, Katrina, maybe you can answer what you’re hoping for. It would just be nice. He would kinda give that reassurance. That it you know, that it’s not it’s not like that. I don’t have to feel like I’m in competition. And that I’m still, you know, the person that he wants to be what I mean, the only thing close to that that I’d ever asked him in the last couple of weeks was I asked him, you know, like are you actually into me? And his response was, you know, tell me like, of course, why would you think that you’re such a hot amazing woman? Why wouldn’t I be into? But then, you know, you kinda see the behavior continue, and it kind of it kind of makes you wonder like, honestly, it just makes the girl feel awful. Yes. And I think even just looking at those photos in themselves can make everybody feel awful experience. I know that from the data, but I really think if you start this conversation with the assurance that you are committed to working on the relationship. So you underscore. That and you lead with love and give him permission to be vulnerable to be on s to defy gender norms around sexuality, and when it comes to the Instagram piece. It’s not an accusation you speak about your own feelings as opposed to his specific behavior. You can talk about your response to his behavior. How it makes you feel? I would hope and I would -ticipant that if peace committed to this too. You’re going to have a fruitful conversation. But the good suggestion in a really good way to handle it. When I do bring it up because it it’s kind of a tricky subject, you know, not wanting to come across as the the jealous girlfriend who’s just getting upset about the Instagram likes kind of more focused on you know, when we’re going through this.
00:20:13 – 00:25:13
Then we’re in the situation, but you’re still, you know, doing exercise Ed that’s how it kind of makes me feel vulnerability component for you stooge as soon as just says something we’re she’s like, I’m not a cues ING angry. I want to have a conversation. I want you to know how I feel to me. I am mmediately. It breaks on the wall. You don’t even my first to is to listen to understand. Hopefully, it is I’m not like getting defensive and then to hear what she has to say to assure her so leading like you said like just said that way to me is is a great way to get the conversation rolling in Iowa think that some of the most powerful words, you can express to anyone are I am struggling with. So you’re making about your own struggle and your emotional reaction. And I think that can be really disarming. And let’s be honest. It doesn’t mean on the spot. You’re going to have a perfect conversation. Will he get a little defensive maybe because he’s Uman? But hopefully, you know, you’re you’re able to manage that roadblock. I can try. I think that really good advice and definitely starting off with, you know, making sure that he he feels like he’s allowed to be vulnerable and making sure he kinda feels you know, like say, and like I’m not attacking him and just trying to accuse them things. Definitely the best way to start. And then kind of thing how slow from there. Yeah. So I think I think you’re right for this conversation. I wanted to have this conversation because so many people go through multiple components of your story. One partner not being interested in sex one partner, avoiding the other because they don’t want to confront the experience and have a real conversation. One partner perhaps responding to the others social media behavior. So if anyone listening is going through this hopefully Katrina story will if nothing else inspire you to talk to your partner in a constructive way. I hope so to all the ladies out there that are you know, they things similar similar situations. ’cause there’s no way I’m the only one nab -solutely. And so if you’re talking to him tonight, maybe we’ll check back in with us. And let us know how it goes. Absolutely. Allow send you an Email and kind of fill you in on. How everything went? Good. Yeah. We’re wishing you the best of luck. And it sounds like you’re, you know, you’re already quipped, and you just needed to flush this out a little. Little bit. And plus, you know, being being the girl sometimes you kind of wonder and feel a little insecure at moments, you know, is it means not me. But thank you so much. I think this it actually helps a lot to kind of. Secure that I’m not it’s not definitely something wrong with me. And it’s kinda more revolting what he’s going through. Right. Yeah. They’re wrong with Yang nothing wrong. With either of you, it’s situational. And as much as you’re feeling insecure. He’s probably feeling insecure too because he’s human and we all go through this. So good luck tonight, in what way to check in with you next week book, ANC you so much you guys. I really appreciate it. Paying you. I believe Katrina situation involves a really important discussion. And I think there are some important lessons to be drawn from her story her experience in obviously hoping for the best tonight in her conversations. And I hope Katrina that you’re feeling well, I one foremost, it’s reminder that we really need more space for gender fluidity when it comes to well, everything, but especially sexual emotional expression. If you have a partner who’s baseline doesn’t align with gender norms. It’s important that you go out of your way to reassure them. And really give them permission and space to be themselves. Whether it’s sexually emotionally or practically, and I can see the Katrina already there. But you know, we’re all afraid of rejection. Especially when that rejection has to do with a social norm because as humans, we have relied on social support throughout our history on this planet to survive. So when you experience social rejection, it can actually activate the fight or flight response because historically rejection could put you at physical risk. And so when you fear your partner rejecting you though, you can get that cortisol spike, you can become a little bit less rational, you can be more focused on your own survival and not on compassionate collaboration.
00:25:13 – 00:30:09
And so as involved humans, we were no longer in the wild. It’s not a saber to tire out to get us. We have to learn how to manage rejection. We have to train ourselves to better understand that rejection isn’t about you. It’s not about you. It’s often about your partner is often about. The circumstances. It doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be left in the cold in a cave vulnerable to attack. And I wanna talk more about this on upcoming podcast. I’d love to bring in a psychologist who specializes in research around rejection because it is our big fear in relationships. It’s what holds us back from expressing our expectations. It’s what holds us back from pushing our comfort zone and it holds us back from communicating with our partners. Either we fear rejection for ourselves or we fear that they’re going to feel rejected. And then we say nothing cold oh by soda that you care about really sucks. Speaking from personal experience when that happens is the worst in my inclination is to get my backup defensive make excuses. But I had to learn to listen. And when I learned to to listen take ownership that was a big game changer for maybe you talked about gender fluidity. And it’s really interesting because we were speaking to a I was speaking to a gentleman the other day, and he specifically said to me he said, I’m not into sports, and I’m not really into like UFC and things like that. I’m more feminine. And it was interesting to me that he said sports, and like USC and not being a man as a result of that. I’m like how messed up is it that he feels he feels insecure because he doesn’t like those things and just just screwed up right in. He should feel great about himself. And it’s interesting the word feminine because I think people look at me, and I present very feminine John new through a sick spiral. Right. Which can be feminine, of course, can be masculine. And you know, I’m very sports. And I guess I grew up with the privilege to express myself with a good degree of fluidity. Like, I’m into sports. But I also like to cook I like to wear high heels, I don’t like to go shopping and. I think really we just need to remind ourselves that we need to make more space for people to express themselves. This is Katrina example, is is a very specific example. But overall young people would be happier. People would find more fulfilling relationships, we’d feel more confident we create space for more representation in in the workplace, for example, if we were open to more fluidity in every arena, it’s funny because I grew up in the exact opposite environment where it was very much about expressing your masculinity. And now, I’m at a completely different environment in honestly, it feels way better. Just like what you like don’t like what you don’t like an own nen. I imagine it’s it’s very liberating. No. I mean, I don’t feel one hundred percent comfortable in my skin. I still feel pressure in certain environments to conform. So do I of course, not completely comfortable. But certainly a lot more comfortable. Than I did before. Yeah. So we ultimately we hope the same for you. We hope this discussion. You know, his is a reminder that maybe you can be a little bit more open to your own desires a little bit more supportive of your partner and approach them with sensitivity. It’s not that. I feel like oh, you have to be more careful with men because you don’t want to emasculate them. But it’s for anybody who is not conforming to agenda role in any way, it can feel really daunting, and that fear of rejection is is a really intense fear. So we’re gonna leave at that for now. It was cool talking to Katrina. You know, we’re relatively new to podcasting. And we haven’t taken a lot of just regular colors. So that was that was cool. We’ll do it again, if you have questions or you wanna chat where if you have a story, you wanna share we’d love to hear from you because your stories and your encounters in your anecdotes, obviously are are more valuable than just the two of us. So thank you for listening. Spain for being here. You know? That was great. I really hope things for Katrina. I feel like she’s on the right path. Agreed. Agreed. And thank you desire resorts wherever you’re at have a wonderful weekend. If you come to the Vancouver, taboo, naughty, but nice show, and you are podcast listener, make sure you come say. Hi, Brandon likes to be recognized. Have a great week, folks. You’re listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast, improve your sex life, improve your life.