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Sex with Dr. Jess


December 7, 2018

Touch-Workshops, Couples “Cruising” and an Alternative View of Swinging

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They sold everything and moved to Mexico. They’ve touched over 6000 people. And they’ve been swingers from the start. Lauren and Richard, from the Room 77 Podcast, chat with Jess and Brandon about their relationship, unique lifestyle and their sexual experiences.

Have a listen via the link above and check out the summary of this episode’s key messages below:

1. Don’t wait to talk about what you want. If something is important to you, speak up from the onset. You don’t have to wait until the 5th or 50th date to open up, as dating rules are relics of the past. If you’re hoping to lure someone in before disclosing important information about your preferences and desires, it will likely cause more damage to the relationship in the long-run.

2. Selfish lovers can be the best lovers. Almost everyone is turned on by their partner’s pleasure and arousal, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want! If you have trouble receiving pleasure or want to overcome performance pressure, you may want to consider mindfulness approaches to enhance your experience — and your partner’s.

3. You don’t have to want the same things to be compatible, but you do need to be open to learning about your partner’s desires without judgment. You can always find common ground — if you have an open mind.

4. Swinging can be about friendship, but for some people it’s just about sex and that’s okay. You don’t have to fit your sexual lifestyle into hetero-normative, monogamous-normative versions of love and sex. We don’t need hierarchies of relationships — in or out of the lifestyle.

5. If you have the opportunity to watch live sex (with consent), it can be a moving and revolutionary experience. In the absence of comprehensive sex education, most people turn to porn to learn about sex, but it’s not intended as an educational tool. Porn is intended to titillate and entertain and many of the messages

6. Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure. If you get hung up on a goal (e.g. orgasm), it is likely to detract from the experience. Lauren’s advice: just relax and have fun. If you have an orgasm — great! If not, hopefully you experience pleasure, connection or another benefit of touching and exploring with a partner.

7. If you’re going to make a statement about sex remember that it’s based on your experience — not expertise. Just because something applies in your case or your relationship doesn’t mean it can be generalized to the masses.

8. Mutual masturbation may be intimidating, but it’s powerful experience. If you feel awkward, you’re not alone, as masturbation is likely something you’ve done in private for your entire life. Many of us were also raised to do so with shame and secrecy for fear of being “caught”. Some strategies to overcome your awkwardness:

  • Try it on the phone first. Describe what you’re doing to ease yourself in to being watched in person
  • Do it in the dark or under the covers; it can be hot to be watched, but you may not want to be studied, as this makes many people feel self-conscious.
  • Touch one another while you’re touching yourselves. Even a hand on the thigh or a few warm kisses can help you to feel connected and safe during any sex act.
  • Don’t feel the need to “get off”; you can engage in masturbation without the goal of orgasm.

9. Check out the work of other great sex educators Jess met at Sex Down South:

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.