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August 10, 2018

How to Talk About Sex, Sex Webcams & More!

Episode 70

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Jess & Brandon model a “how-to-talk-about-sex” conversation in response to a listener’s question — they share their unprepared responses on the spot. They also weigh in on spicing up date night, watching web-cam models, sex clubs, sleeping after sex & how long to wait before having sex with a new partner.

Please find a rough summary of the podcast below. We are working on providing full transcripts for all podcasts.

Welcome to the SexWithDrJess Podcast. I’m Jessica O’Reilly, your friendly neighbourhood sexologist and I’m here with my better half, Brandon Ware.

Today, we’ll be answering listener questions about sex and relationships.

Before we get started, I’d like to thank Desire Resorts for their support and remind you that we’ll be facilitating workshops at both properties in Mexico on October 24-25, 2018. More details can be found here.

Question: I listened to your podcast on sex clubs and we’ve talked about going, but I’m just not there yet. I’m fine with watching porn, but the idea of real live people freaks me out. My girlfriend really wants to go and you always say to take baby steps, so is there something we can try in the meantime until I’m ready?

Just talk about going and play around with the idea. Go to dinner and drive by a club without going in — make out in the car instead. Or talk about all the naughty things you’ll do at a club while having sex at home — with no pressure to follow through in real life.

Not everyone likes sex clubs and you certainly don’t have to visit one if you’re not into it.

Another option…

Sign into an adult webcam room featuring another couple.

This may be a little risque, but more couples are joining in on the fun from the safety of their own bedrooms. Webcam models perform live and you can even make requests if you’d like. The couples I’ve met who visit webcams (often for special occasions) say that they like the spontaneity and the fact that they’re not overproduced like porn. If you’re considering this option, talk to your partner ahead of time to discuss your concerns and desires. Some questions you might want to address:

1. If we do this together, does it mean we can do it alone? Set boundaries and agree on what is acceptable within the confines of your relationship. Don’t worry about what others (including experts) have to say. You decide what is dis/allowed in your own relationship as a team.

2. Are we willing to interact (chat) with the models or just watch?

3. Are you nervous about the experience? What makes you nervous? What can your partner do to assuage your concerns?

4. If you feel uncomfortable at any point, how will you address this? Will you close the computer? Take a break? Use a sign to communicate your discomfort?

5. If you’re using a pay site (many offer free access), what spending limit do you want to set?

Be honest about your desires and boundaries. You are not a prude if you’re not into adult webcams. You don’t have to do everything to have a happy relationship and satisfying sex life.

Question: I saw your story about UberEats as date night and I voted yes on both accounts and I’m wondering what you and Brandon do for date night cuz you look so happy together.

Question: I saw your post on Instagram about having intense conversations. Can you give me some examples of questions I can ask my husband? You say talk about sex, but what questions should I ask?

What was the first thing you noticed about me? What is your favorite aspect of our sex life? What element of our sex life would you like to improve? What did you fantasize about the last time you masturbated? How do you like to be touched during orgasm?

Question: I just got divorced and I’m in my late 30s. I feel like everything has changed in dating and I have a ton of questions for you, but the main one is how long should I wait to have sex with a new guy?

Have sex whenever you feel like it. If you want to do it before the entrees arrive, go ahead. If you’d rather wait until you’ve said “I love you”, that’s fine too. And if you want to wait until marriage, you’ll be just fine in the long run.

What’s most important when deciding when to have sex for the first time with a new partner, is that you’re both on board. You don’t want to pressure a partner and you don’t want to play a game to make your partner wait. Compatibility matters and sexual compatibility should be addressed from the onset. If you want sex right away because you see it as a primal act void of emotion and your partner wants to wait until you’re committed or ready to move in together, it’s likely that you’re not sexually compatible. Though sexual compatibility is something that you cultivate (as opposed to something you simply find in a partner), some people’s sexual values are simply too divergent. You’re lucky to discover this early on so that you can decide to move on or work on it right away.

Question: I hate that my husband just falls asleep after sex. How can I get him to stay awake and spend some quality time with me?

Many people pass out after sex and French researchers believe they have uncovered the reason behind this phenomenon. The cerebral cortex shuts off during orgasm and the cingulate cortex and the amygdala send messages to other parts of the brain signaling the need to quash all sexual desire. This results in the release of slumber-inducing chemicals like serotonin and opioids that lull you into a relaxed, drowsy state.

And though snuggling and some post-lovin’ chatter might be on your radar, his beauty rest might actually be good for your relationship. Researchers have also found that those who are sleep deprived are more likely to misread non-verbal signals and overestimate women’s interest in sex. Just as consuming alcohol inhibits frontal lobe functioning, so too does missing out on a good night’s sleep.

So it might be best to have sex earlier in the day…or just let him sleep:)

Thank you to Desire Resorts for their support of this podcast!