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April 19, 2017

A Sexologist’s Husband Tells (Almost) All

BRANDON

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This week Jess hosts her husband, Brandon Ware, for a tell-all on being married to a sexologist. He shares his thoughts on nude beaches, sex toys, public sex and more. Sit back and listen as Jess and Brandon walk you through their sexual journey.

Brandon Ware is a founding partner with The WareInToronto Group and is the top sales representative with Private Service Realty. He is passionate about his business and his warm personality, in-depth market knowledge and solid negotiation skills set him apart from others in the field.

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See below for this episode’s transcription…

Dr. Jess: Hi there! This is Jess O’Reilly I am Sex with Dr. Jess, your friendly neighborhood sexologist and shouldn’t every neighborhood have a sexologist? I don’t know, maybe my neighbors would beg to differ. I am here as always to help you cultivate sexual compatibility so that you can a happier, more meaningful, more loving relationship and of course compatibility is something that requires work. It is not about destiny and it’s not about finding the right partner. It is about training your partner and treating yourself, to meet your partner’s needs. It’s that simple! Now today, I’m a little bit nervous and a little bit excited, because I have with me Mister hahah no Mister Sex with Dr. Jess.

Brandon: The man behind the woman.

Dr. Jess: The man behind the woman but really the man who stands beside me, and props me up.

Brandon: You want to be careful with where I’m standing.

Dr. Jess: Yeah. My husband, Brandon Ware, my life partner, the love of my life is with us. Brandon say hi.

Brandon: Hey everybody, how you doing?

Dr. Jess: He’s doing…

Brandon: I’m expecting a response.

Dr. Jess: He’s doing the Barry White voice…

Brandon: It’s White Barry. Are you doing there?

Dr. Jess: Hahah. Definitely Barry White. Hahaha. We are going to talk about our life, because one of the top questions I receive after, ‘hey is it normal that I like to put this up my butt?’ and the answer is yes.

Brandon: Hahah.

Dr. Jess: One of the top questions I received is, ‘what did your husband think about what you do?’ So babe let’s start there, we’re going to be talking about how working in the field of human sexuality impacts our relationship and our sex life. I don’t think we’re going to get too graphic.

Brandon: Nope.

Dr. Jess: But ultimately your life changes when something that is so pleasurable and also so tied your identity becomes your life’s work. So we’ll start with: Brandon and what do you think of my job?

Brandon: I think it’s amazing. The positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Where do I even begin? There are so many things that we’ve been introduced to, exposed to, as a result of your job.

Dr. Jess: That’s good and bad?

Brandon: Um yeah it’s a bit of both.

Dr. Jess: Exposed sounds umm…

Brandon: Exposed isn’t the right word, maybe introduced to is the better terminology. I mean, let’s talk about Desire Resorts. That clothing-optional resort down on the Mayan Riviera.

Dr. Jess: Yeah so I talk about Desire a lot. It’s not just because I work with them, honestly it’s because it was life changing for me. And I’ve talked about how it made the way I’ve felt about my body, but I also know Brandon’s told me that, and I don’t think he’s told me in so many words because the first time we went there we were in our mid-twenties so it’s 11-12 years ago. Hahah Brandon is getting close to 40.

Brandon: Ya the countdown is on!

Dr. Jess: It’s okay you look younger and act younger. Too young. But I know it changed the way you look at women, so maybe you can talk about that, because the chance, the opportunity to go there is something that I think, really I only was confronted or encountered because I’m working in this field. So how does being around naked people and being in a playroom where people are actually having sex change our relationship? The way you look at women, the way you look at me?

Brandon: Being at Desire forced me to reconsider the definition of what sexy is. And what I mean by that is the first time we went down I was terribly nervous. I was, I won’t lie. I was terribly uncomfortable for the first couple of days. Once I got down to my birthday suit…

Dr. Jess: It did not take a few days.

Brandon: Okay it didn’t take me a few days, a few hours. Once I got down to my birthday suit I can tell you that it was liberating. It was very interesting to have a conversation with somebody on the beach when you’re not wearing anything and it changes the dynamic.

Dr. Jess: Eyes up here buddy.

Brandon: Yeah eyes up, eyes up. No, it was great. What it changed for me was the idea of what sexy is. So we’re taught to look at fitness models, look at supermodels and assume that is the epitome of sexy. And when you go down there and you see somebody with a different body, somebody who’s bigger, but who carries themselves with confidence. It’s amazing how that makes them sexy, and that really changed my perspective and helped me understand what it was that I did and didn’t like. Like very much.

Dr. Jess: Yeah so I often talk about like magazine sexy versus innately human sexy. So everybody feels, or most people feel the pressure to look like the cover of a magazine. And we also feel pressure to find a partner who looks like that. We think if we can get that partner, we can get that partner, but I think if you look at what we’re naturally attracted to it’s a little bit different. And I saw your natural attraction blossom in a different way.

Brandon: And it changed too in terms of body types, age, everything. Confidence is king.

Dr. Jess: Yeah and that sounds cliché.

Brandon: And comfort is king too. When you’re comfortable in your own skin. It’s such a hard thing for us to learn. And I am guilty of it too. Where you want to look a certain way because you are taught that is the definition of sexiness.

Dr. Jess: Yeah and that was certainly life-changing. Something that has to do with being a sexologist, you probably would have been exposed to that if I wasn’t working in this field. We also have as we sit here in the home office, unlimited sex toys, we got a cupboard full of We-Vibes. Unlimited lube. Unlimited sex books. So that changes our lives. But also, you’d agree with this – the way people interact with us has changed. So when you used to go to a cocktail party and they ask about what you do and Brandon’s in real estate so they might ask him about the market and projections or big developments. Now, they just want to talk about the sex.

Brandon: I joke around that when we go to dinner parties, I tell people that they don’t want to listen to what I have to say and I introduce you as the sexologist and then that leaves me alone with all the food and all the drink, because no one gives two hoots about what I have to say when they know you’re the sexologist. They can pour their heart into you, but what it did do was – some people started in front of me disclosing to you some of their stories and problems, and we have launched a project once I don’t know if you remember.

Dr. Jess: Yeah I do.

Brandon: One of my old business partners started to tell us stories about some iconic individuals in the what would you say…

Dr. Jess: Adult field.

Brandon: Yeah of adult film and magazines.

Dr. Jess: Yeah so this is an investment event. A pretty formal, I’d say uptight, not the most fun business party I’ve ever been to, and this guy, probably in his late sixties, one of their investors, one of their business partners, starts talking to me about all these orgies he used to have back in the 70s. Group sex, filming himself and Brandon here just walked away.

Brandon: No I listened for a few minutes, and then I walked away and then I came back and listen to little bit more. So what’s interesting again about how your job is changed our sex life is how it introduces you again to what other people have and haven’t done. And even then, that normalizes behavior. And I think when you hear these stories and you understand other people’s perspectives and in what they’ve experienced, it again normalizes and it creates comfort in an industry that, otherwise generally we’re taught is somewhat uncomfortable.

Dr. Jess: Right yeah so because we hear so many different stories, we are not particularly shocked. Although, I was shocked when the pregnant lady asked me what position to use for DP.

Brandon: For DP yeah.

Dr. Jess: And I didn’t even know what she was talking about because I was looking at this woman who was eight and a half months pregnant, but yes she meant DP – double penetration. And I thought well, we are going to have to do some sort of a physical manipulation here to see what would work because everybody’s bellies are different. Anyhow, so we certainly are exposed to new things. People tell us their stories and that changes our sex life, but it also I think there is this flip side where if you were exposed to all these things everyday, they lose their luster and the taboo element dissipates. So sometimes it’s just not as exciting, I don’t know if you find that. A dozen years in.

Brandon: Yeah I would agree that some of the stories, and some of the activities lose their luster, and I think because the topic can be or has been so taboo to discuss, when people don’t have an opportunity to normally discuss get in an environment where they can discuss it, they’re excited and I’m not saying that I’m not excited to listen to your stories.

Dr. Jess: But he’s not hahaha.

Brandon: But there are times when I don’t want to always talk about it, and I think because of that sometimes it loses a little bit of its luster. And there’s also the pressure component of that where people expect you, me, or us for that matter, but me in particular in this case to have discussions about how we always have mind-blowing sex life and all the incredible things that we’ve done. And to be completely candid, there are times when I don’t want to do anything. You’ve been away for three weeks or eight weeks traveling for work, I’ve launched a project or have been extremely busy and don’t really feel like having a discussion about some crazy new sex club or…

Dr. Jess: You just want to cuddle? Hahaha.

Brandon: I want to be the big spoon. I just want to be the big spoon.

Dr. Jess: I want to be the big spoon.

Brandon: I want to Netflix and chill. I want to Netflix and chill.

Dr. Jess: You know what chill means eh?

Brandon: Yeah I know what the means.

Dr. Jess: Brandon is not a millennial like me hahaha.

Brandon: I’m not 90, thank you though.

Dr. Jess: Yes, I think it’s so true. So you know when we’re not in the mood for sex, there is this pressure, because we’re supposed to always have this crazy wild hot sex life. And sometimes it really is, there has been points in our relationship. We’re sixteen years in. We’re coming up on sixteen years on Saturday. No, no is it in a few weeks? I don’t know the anniversary date! Brandon’s better at those things than me.

Brandon: Oh good one. Yeah.

Dr. Jess: But ultimately there is a pressure. There’s pressure for you as a guy.

Brandon: Yeah I think people expect me to talk about mind-blowing sex at every turn. And the truth is, it’s great, but there are points when it’s not. And people are surprised when I talk about insecurities, when I talk about a lack of confidence. Some of these things that I think most men experience, but are afraid to talk about and they are for some reason surprised when I disclose to them or to group of men, or men and women, that this is how I feel. And I guess the word is surprising, they are just surprised that at every turn our sex life sex life isn’t mind-blowing swinging from the chandeliers.

Dr. Jess: Well yeah, I think they are also surprised that we fight. We definitely fight.

Brandon: Yeah we’ve had a few differences.

Dr. Jess: I guess I don’t always talk about the specifics of the fights. And I’m trying to think if there’s one I can share right now, but certainly something you said to me last night.

Brandon: Oh I think it was the one where I was right?

Dr. Jess: Hahaha. Yeah one thing is I am passionately in love with Brandon. I just love him, I think he’s the greatest thing ever, but when I’m mad at him, I never want to see him again.

Brandon: That’s pretty short-sighted. It’s all or nothing.

Dr. Jess: That’s what you said to me last night.

Brandon: That’s what I said, I did.

Dr. Jess: What did you say?

Brandon: I said that in the heat of the moment, you’re extremely short-sighted. And not that I am not the same, but we each have our faults.

Dr. Jess: But I’m worse.

Brandon: You’re very short-sighted when we get into arguments. And I have, it sounds terrible, but I need to control my emotions when we get into an argument. I get to a certain boiling point, and at which point if the argument hasn’t been resolved I kind of flip a switch. So I have to be cognizant of where I’m at, and I guess just how I’m feeling at the moment so I don’t kind of fall over the edge.

Dr. Jess: Yeah and I guess you’re right. It’s funny because last night we were just chatting and we were in a good mood, Brandon had said something about me being one of the emotional extremes and he said, ‘yeah you can be short-sighted in a fight.’ And I thought ‘oh yeah that’s interesting’ it’s really helpful to me now that I’m not pissed at you.

Brandon: Hahaha.

Dr. Jess: No it’s a learning moment right? To say okay so I can offer some constructive criticism when we’re not in the heat of a moment. Now if you had said that to me when we’re in a fight, when I’m mad?

Brandon: Hey you’re being short-sighted.

Dr. Jess: Oh my gosh.

Brandon: Yeah I think that would go over really well.

Dr. Jess: Yeah I would grab this can of lube right here and just toss it across the room. Yeah so to get back to it, there is some pressure and we need to overcome that pressure. And there is a little, I don’t want to say boredom, but there’s this luster that loses its intensity overtime when you’re exposed to these things all day, everyday. Like sometimes at a dinner party, I think: Can I just be a dentist? And someone asks me about their teeth? Because if they ask me one more question about our sex life and that’s the other thing, people intrude into our sex life don’t think?

Brandon: Yeah because of what you do I think that there is the belief that nothing is off limits.

Dr. Jess: Like I’m not allowed to get uncomfortable.

Brandon: Yeah or that you always want to talk about it and I know that you’re very passionate and I know that you enjoy helping people and the biggest thing for me is normalizing behaviors when you start, when you have the ability or the opportunity to speak to somebody and to say to someone what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, what you’re fantasizing about isn’t unnatural or isn’t un-normal. Then all of the sudden, people feel more comfortable.

Dr. Jess: Yeah but I don’t always want to do that. Sometimes, I just want to talk about the wine and the steak. Or tofu, we go to tofu parties.

Brandon: Yeah we do. Yeah so we’re getting off topic, but what I was going to say is the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. Our sex life is great. We go through the same ups and downs that I think everybody else goes through.

Dr. Jess: Yeah and it’s not always great.

Brandon: No, but I’m saying…

Dr. Jess: Sometimes you suck right? Haha no I suck.

Brandon: I don’t know about that, but yeah definitely I have my moments where I am consumed with work or I’m consumed with other things that distract me and there are times when it is challenging, but I think those are the same challenges that most people experience. But when do you hear about them? You don’t talk to your best friend (or maybe you do) but most people I don’t think have discussions with large groups of people about, ‘hey we’re going through some ups and downs and right now we’re going through a series of downs and is this normal?’ Right? All you hear about it are the people who learn great sexual techniques that will blow your mind and those are great. Those are important.

Dr. Jess: And people always tell you when they get laid. They don’t tell you when they don’t get laid.

Brandon: No or when, ‘last night I had sex and it was a 3 out of 10.’

Dr. Jess: Yeah.

Brandon: Right? Like no you don’t hear about that.

Dr. Jess: 3? I thought it was at least a 6? Haha.

Brandon: Yeah it was a 7! Haha.

Dr. Jess: I think Brandon summed it up really nicely. Most of the challenges we face are similar to what any couple faces. We struggle with making sex happen sometimes, because we both lead busy lifestyles and I think both of us have to do some small mindfulness activities when we get into bed. What I do to relax involves cloud breathing. So I picture a cloud, I don’t know if it sounds cheesy to you, but it really helps for me and takes like 2 minutes. So I picture a cloud and I breath in and the cloud gets smaller, and then I breathe out slowly in the cloud gets bigger. And just visualizing that for me is centering and it takes me away from all the stuff I’m talking about all day. I hear a lot of people’s problems and it can be pretty emotionally taxing and I can come home and I’m in a bad mood. So mindfulness helps. And then also, you have probably all heard of my Ted Talk – the monogamish approach. I think that to keep things exciting we definitely look at other people and we talk about other people and fantasize and make that more about our more monogamous sex play. So we’re just with each other, but we are thinking about other things sometimes and sharing in each other’s pleasure. And I think that ability to say, ‘hey Brandon is a 10.’ It’s so annoying actually. Brandon is actually an 11. It’s so annoying and he wakes up like this. You guys see pictures of me on Instagram but that is a lot of filtering and make up. Brandon just wakes up like this. But I’ve also seen him thousands and thousands of times. So there are things that are exciting because they are new.

Brandon: Yeah, I mean I appreciate that you think that I look that way as oppose to all those times where you said I wake up and look like…

Dr. Jess: Shrek! Hahaha.

Brandon: I was going to say the guy in ‘The Wedding Singer’ with the swollen face.

Dr. Jess: Yeah you do look like that guy too.

Brandon: Yeah, but.

Dr. Jess: I mean I will post a picture of Brandon or just go to my Instagram – @SexWithDrJess and you’ll know what I’m talking about. The man doesn’t need a filter. We are out of time. That wasn’t as bad as Brandon thought it would be.

Brandon: No it was a lot of fun I’m just not the expert that you are so I’m getting my anecdotal experience and advice if anyone wants to take my advice, probably better not to.

Dr. Jess: You guys can follow Brandon on Instagram. Give them your Instagram too.

Brandon: Yeah I’m @WareInTorontoBrandon.

Dr. Jess: Yeah Ware is W-A-R-E. That’s his last name so you can stalk that guy. Folks, I have to go this is Sex with Dr. Jess. Thanks so much for tuning in to this, definitely special episode let’s see if it makes it to air.

Brandon: Yeah, I would mic drop and walk away but it doesn’t have the same effect on a podcast. Haha.

Dr. Jess: Yeah plus I had to pay for this mic, so I don’t need this mic dropped. Folks follow along @SexWithDrJess. Thank you so much wherever you are in your relationship, in your sex life, feel good about it no apologies no need to meet anybody else’s standard. You are beautiful, you rock, I will talk to you next week.