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March 14, 2017

What To Do When Your Kids Walk In On You Having Sex!

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Have your kids ever walked in on you in the heat of the moment? Did you ever catch your parents gettin’ busy when you were younger? Dr. Jess’ Facebook followers shared their views on this topic a few months back. Here’s what they had to say…

“Why is it ok for children to see violence, yet any source of affection or lovemaking is frowned upon?” – Todd

“You didn’t mean to have an orgy in front of your child. You do what you can do to ensure you and your partner are alone. But is it really that awful to have a child walk in on you?” – Chantal

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“I walked in on my parents and years later after their divorce I walked in on my mother and her boyfriend too. Not exactly what I wanted to see and wouldn’t recommend to others, but it wasn’t devastating and hell bounding. Didn’t make me need a shrink. The fighting in the home did though.” – Bob

“I think we raise better quality individuals when we share respect and honor our flesh. Make it normal and beautiful works of art. That our bodies are not to be shameful about, nor how they work. That we work and function. It’s just skin. There is nothing but pride and respect to had.

So I raise my daughter with the same principle. Naked bodies are nothing to focus shame on. It’s just a person’s body. Unless the body is behaving sexual, it is not sexual. Because our bodies are beautiful like that. It has many purposes. With that, we teach that bodies are special and need to have respect for it. From ourselves and others, and we do the same other people’s bodies too.

So when my daughter walked in on her father and I in the middle of the night. I jumped up more worried about the reason she came in for and not that we were having sex. Because sex happens, bad dreams shouldn’t.

I might not be able to be understood for other people, but I can assure you my child’s therapy will not entail her walking in on her father and I having sex” – Tonia

“Mine have walked in a few times. A simple “what do you want/need?” works well. We just tell them that mommy and daddy love each other and need special time together. They usually just turn around and go back to bed.” – Kym

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“Make sure they are ok and if they ask questions say you are having a romantic time. Then get them to go back to bed.” – Tinna

“No. We don’t have sex if they are with us. We sleep in PJ’s and aren’t overly romantic (kissing, holding hands, hugging etc.) when they are around.” – Ash

“What are you doing…..get off me?” – Bill

I had a chance to weigh-in on this topic with Hamilton’s AM900. Check it the full article here and see a summary of my advice below:

  • If you react with shame, your child will react with shame. If you react with embarrassment, your child will react with embarrassment. It is unlikely that a young child will respond negatively to the sex act itself; their problematic reaction is more likely to be in response to your emotional state.
  • For younger kids, it’s important to use this as a teachable moment regarding boundaries. They need to learn to knock before coming in because your bedroom is a “private space”.
  • Ask them if they have any questions or concerns. Note that if you don’t answer their questions, they’ll go straight to Google and YouTube.
  • Promote a general dialogue around sex. If you can talk to them about poop, you should be able to talk to them about sex.
  • Consider approaching the situation with humour for older children who are embarrassed: Aren’t you glad we still like each other?

Images courtesy of Women’s Day and Chatelaine