October 2, 2012
Stuck In A Sex Slump?
Sex is a vital component of a healthy relationship. Aside from the (hopefully) mutual enjoyment it provides, sex also releases a flood of powerful neurochemicals that cause you to feel closer to your partner. Great sex can relieve stress, break tension, and facilitate recovery after a big fight.
It’s easy to have frequent, passionate sex early on, but what about when sex dries up a bit as the relationship becomes long term?
Running errands, catching up on work, and other activities that are part of the daily grind can interfere with time normally reserved for romance. This often leaves women feeling neglected and men feeling sexually frustrated, although these feelings are by no means gender exclusive.
I frequently receive emails from guys who can’t explain the sexual slump they’re in. Women reach out and tell me they don’t quite know why, but they don’t feel the same passion, the same spark they used to feel.
It boils down to a case of he-says-she-says. He says she’s neglecting his sexual needs, while she says he’s not putting effort into the relationship. These people range from mildly frustrated to those on the verge of separation or even having an affair.
Fear not – there are solutions to this relationship conundrum.
Guys – stop focusing so much on the physical. Although you might be good to go if you catch a glimpse of her lace panties, she needs a bit more than that. If you’re not getting any, ask yourself how many times in the last week you did something to make her feel special, beautiful, or appreciated, and be honest!
Men often make the mistake of dating backwards. They start the relationship with extravagant dates and expensive dinners, and gradually reduce their effort as the relationship ages. Why would she blow your mind in the bedroom if she’s getting less effort for more commitment?
If you used to bring her flowers, leave her love notes, or surprise her with breakfast in bed, try working those things back into your relationship. Mix it up a bit and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Ladies – as much as we would love to one day unlock the mysteries of the female psyche and know exactly what you want at any given moment, it doesn’t seem like this will happen anytime soon. Just for fun, assume we can’t read your mind, and that we won’t be able to guess what’s going on in your head unless you tell us.
Being overly blunt can backfire, so use the following method to get your man to clue in without putting him on the defensive. The key is to make him think your suggestion is at least partly his idea, so he doesn’t feel like you’re spoon feeding him – start subtle, and work your way up.
Casually mention a new show you want to go see, and ask if he knows anything about it. If he’s not the socially intelligent type and doesn’t get the hint, be a bit more aggressive and mention there’s a new show you’ve heard great things about and you’d really like to go see it. If it’s still going over his head at this point, don’t hesitate to rub his shoulders and tell him you’d love to have a romantic night out with him followed by a bottle of wine at home.
Talking to your partner about how you’re feeling and what you want doesn’t have to be a chore. Wrap it in the form of a suggestion and commit to making time for both of you to spend together, and you’ll both reap the rewards.
Dr Jess is thrilled to have Ryan Jakolijevic contributing to our community!
About The Author
Ryan is a very passionate and talented Edmonton-based life and dating coach with over five years of experience. Ryan works with both individuals and couples, providing life coaching and relationship and dating advice.