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Sex with Dr. Jess


May 13, 2009

The Female Orgasm: What’s Taking So Long?

What's taking so long?

This post contains explicit material and is intended for those over the age of 18. Please visit if you are not yet 18.

I hear about this concern from both men and women: “It takes her forever to come!”

A well-intentioned male client recently complained to me that despite forty or fifty minutes of hard penile thrusting (ouch!), his wife struggles to reach orgasm. Another friend mentioned that she used to reach orgasm so quickly with her super-hot partner, but lately is taking longer to reach her Niagara Falls-like moment of bliss. Neither of these situations is uncommon.

Lots of women require relaxed, prolonged and varied stimulation to get to the point of no return. And vaginal stimulation is often not enough. Do not be mistaken — there are also women who reach orgasm in a matter of seconds – some without any genital stimulation at all, and they’re the ones wishing their partners would hurry up already. But there seems to be undue pressure on women to reach the heights of ecstasy within a short period of time.

Ladies: whatever your ambitions (faster orgasms, more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms), please make them your own and focus on your own pleasure – not on performance. Just like a tasty recipe of double-chocolate, butterscotch liqueur bars can sometimes produce a less-than-perfect, still-delicious batch, we don’t have earth-shattering orgasms each and every time. Our orgasms are not porn-gasms for the purposes of male arousal; they are our-gasms and we define the ways in which we love, experience and relish in them.

Having said that, if orgasms are something you enjoy experiencing and would like to experiment with ways to intensify, increase or accelerate sexual response, consider the following:

  1. Spend more time on foreplay (vulva kissing, breast caress, erotic massage, sexy talk, etc.) so that you’re already at the third stage of sexual response (Plateau) before you engage in the main event (however you choose to define it).
  2. Penile-vaginal penetration alone is not usually enough; if you really want to stick with this one activity, consider rubbing your clitoral glans and hood against your partner’s pelvic bone as you thrust away. This may be facilitated by closing your legs tightly between your partner’s so that you squeeze his shaft against your clitoral glans.
  3. Try using your hands to play with the clitoral hood or glans while engaging in other sexual activities (intercourse, oral sex, etc.); you can pull up and down on the hood by manipulating the skin on the pubic mound.
  4. Consider playing with the g-spot: insert your index finger into the vagina and gently gesture in a come-hither motion until you feel a ridge-like area on the upper/abdominal side of the vaginal wall. This area activates the powerful pelvic nerve which is associated with gusher orgasms/female ejaculation.
  5. Practice your kegels three times per day. After a few weeks, you will likely notice a significant increase in sexual response (lubrication, blood flow, orgasmic contractions). Encourage your partner to do the same.
  6. For women who have sex with men: try sitting upright on top of him with his penis inside your vagina; press your pelvis forward and ask him to perform a Kegel to apply pressure to your g-spot as you rock back and forth. As you approach orgasm, he can perform Kegels at 0.8 second intervals to mimic orgasmic contractions. The pressure will be most intense if he practices Kegels regularly and has strong PC muscles.
  7. Fantasize! Think about the pizza delivery-person, the new receptionist, the mile-high club, sex on the beach, group orgies, circus clowns, dungeons and dragons, bondage, the 1970s, star trek, infomercials, a hot threesome or whatever floats your boat.
  8. Play with running water over your clitoris. Many women experience their first orgasms experimenting with the hand-held shower head.
  9. During penile-vaginal sex, ease up on the depth of penetration. The majority of nerve endings in the vagina are located in the outer 1/3 of the vaginal canal.
  10. If you have a male partner, try the CAT (Coital-Alignment-Technique): the male partner lies on top and inserts his penis into the vagina and moves his body up a little so that his pelvic bone or penis base presses against the clitoris. He should allow his weight to fall against her clitoris and she can wrap her feet around his legs as they rock back and forth to maintain clitoral stimulation.

This is a very broad topic and this one little post only scratches the surface. Seriously. There are an infinite number of ways to reach/enhance sexual arousal and orgasm. For now, keep experimenting and take your time if you can. Have fun and always practice safer sex!

Note: this post primarily addresses women who have sex with men, as this is an issue that has been repeatedly echoed by opposite-sex couples.